Most of us know that relationships take work, but our busy lives can make it difficult to stay connected. The demands of family life and career often leave couples with little time for themselves. The UCLA Family Resilience Project sought to find out what makes some relationships last while others fall apart, and the results are enlightening.

A romantic couple does not have to be dysfunctional to grow distant over time, as a result of the constant pressures, diversions, and dynamics of modern existence. Long working hours and the demands of parenting can push date night, sex, and romantic trips down the priority list.

Researchers at UCLA observed 30 dual-career couples with young children to understand the daily challenges for finding opportunities to build strong relationships and families. They discovered that these couples: 

1. Spend less than 10% of their time at home with each other and without their children around

2. Are career-focused with long working hours (partner one) and a have a double burden of work and childcare (partner two)

3. Prioritize children and household needs over the needs of their spouse or self

4. Become more like roommates, drifting apart emotionally and physically

5. Miss important opportunities to connect emotionally on a daily basis

We are clearly experiencing difficulties because of our high expectations in our professions and relationships, as well as little guidance on how to make love last. The deliberate couple has the potential to grow their emotional connection over time in order to bond over the years of their relationship.

LEARNING HOW TO STAY IN LOVE

When we are falling in love, we are more deliberate about going on dates, having intimate conversations to learn about each other, and making time for shared activities than married couples might be. It's simple to fall in love; it's much more difficult to maintain love, which necessitates intentionally producing moments of connection and intimacy. Perhaps a look at another realm of life will help us look for an analogous way of thriving.

The majority of successful business owners will tell you that money is not nearly as important as their time and effort. It turns out that how they choose to spend their time and energy contributes significantly to how much money they earn. In other words, the same is true for a person's love life. When we are at home, it's easy to allow autopilot bad habits to form.

I was on my phone recently while my partner was talking about something important. I was skimming all of the videos, articles, and quotations on my Instagram feed for ideas on how to be a better lover. It wasn't until my partner told me, "You aren't paying attention to me!" that I became aware of how mindlessly absorbed I was.

See the irony?

Couples must resist the temptation to go with the easy option of just allowing things to happen in their relationships. The tragic reality of love is that even if we do nothing to improve our romantic relationships, they will deteriorate over time regardless of whether or not we are doing anything harmful. Relationships need constant attention and upkeep.

According to the author of The Intentional Family, we need to focus on two connection killers to make our relationships better: how we spend our time and how we use technology.

1. Many couples are time-poor. Driving kids to soccer practice after a full day of work, only to come home and cook or do the laundry, leaves very little time for oneself and one’s significant other. A busy couple can first focus on improving the quality of their interactions by truly focusing on each other and the relationship during the time that is available.

2. Couples fail to intentionally disconnect with the outside world, missing the opportunity to truly connect with each other’s inner worlds. Our electronic devices are always sending us notifications that can interrupt and distract us from enjoying relationship time. The good news is that just making some minor changes in how devices are used can significantly improve the quality of a couple’s time together.

RITUALIZING DAILY CONNECTIONS

One of the most effective methods to intentionally enhance a connection is to make the everyday actions we already do, as well as create new customs that make each encounter with one another, even when we're crazy busy, more meaningful and connected. A romantic ritual is a recurring, planned, and, most importantly, intentionally meaningful to both partners.

START PRACTICING YOUR INTENTIONS TODAY

In Wired for Dating, Stan Tatkin, PsyD. states that “you can and should be your partner’s best antidepressant and anti-anxiety agent.” The following rituals of connection not only provide us with access to one another, but also relieve the stress we experience on a daily basis.

Sit down with your partner and choose two rituals from the list below that you'd want to try out. Talk about why these rituals will be meaningful to both of you before putting them into action. If any particular memories come to mind during this conversation, such as childhood memories, spend some time describing them in detail. Finally, work the specifics of when you will practice these.

EATING TOGETHER

At mealtime without kids, you may find yourself plopped down on the couch watching the latest Netflix series, or browsing social media while sitting at the dining table.

With kids, conflicting work, school, and extracurricular activity schedules make it tough to find the time to connect with your lover at mealtime, or to have the energy to cook healthy food.

When meals are eaten together in a space that facilitates conversation, couples often feel more connected and as a result, tend to have fewer petty fights.

Here are 4 tips for enhancing your mealtime:

1. Discuss who does what; such as who buys the food, who cooks the food, and who sets the table. One couple I worked with has one partner cook while the other partner sets the table before the kids join. Another couple takes turns cooking their favorite dishes.

2. Think about how you connect. During the cooking process, a few couples would play some light music, pour a glass of wine, and talk to each other before the kids joined for the meal. It’s helpful to consider the environment of where the couple or family eats as well. Does it have a TV playing? Are cell phones allowed? Intentionally think about potential distractions and interruptions and decide in advance which ones both partners are okay with.

3. Consider what the family as a whole might talk about at mealtime to further strengthen the bond. A billionaire’s father used to ask, “What have you failed at this week?” Other families discuss what they appreciate, or something they have accomplished. It’s also helpful to have clear rules around what shouldn’t be discussed, such as marital conflicts.

4. Is the start and end clear? What signals the start of the meal? Is it a specific start time or someone telling the family it’s time for dinner? When does the ritual end? Is this when everyone has finished eating? Does everyone help out with the dishes?

If you struggle to find time for a romantic or family dinner each night, think of opportunities during morning and weekend meals, such as a regular Sunday brunch. Maybe on certain nights you can go out to eat, creating a ritual such as Taco Tuesdays.

WAKING AND SLEEPING TOGETHER

Couples with mismatched sleeping styles, as in the case of an early bird paired with a night owl, can experience instability in the relationship. This can lead to more conflict, less time for shared activities, less sex, and less connecting conversation. 

Tatkin believes that it’s healthy for partners, even those with different sleep styles, to discover ways to begin and end their days together with rituals. Here are some ways to stay in sync:

The Morning:

• Get up early and share a cup of coffee, or return to bed for a 15-minute discussion before going back to sleep.

• Before beginning the day, snuggle for a few moments.

• Tell each other one thing you like about the other person.

• Have breakfast together

The Evening:

• Focus your attention on softening your gaze for a few minutes before falling asleep by looking into each other's eyes.

• Make some soothing tea and chat while relaxing in bed.

• Read to one another every day.

• Express your gratitude to your spouse.

LEAVING FOR THE DAY AND REUNITING AT NIGHT:

It all comes down to where the connection is, and how couples part and reunite.

When you or your partner leave for the day, do you embrace each other? Do you kiss? When you reunite, do you hug and tell your partner you missed them?

This study of 30 couples found that the men who returned home later in the day received no acknowledgment from their distracted family members. Being greeted in a loving way is a fantastic start to an evening at home. Here are some ideas:

Leaving:

• A six-second kiss. Dr. Gottman who has observed thousands of couples for 40 years calls this kiss a “kiss with potential.”

• A genuinely comprehensive embrace that embraces both individuals (not a one-arm hug)

• Asking your partner what are they most excited about today? Or what are they worried about today? Dr. Gottman calls this building a map of your partner’s daily life.

Reuniting:

• Tatkin suggests a “Welcome Home routine.” Greet your partner and give them a long hug and kiss.

• Hugging to relax: Dr. Schnarch, a renowned Couples Therapist, encourages partners to hold each other until they relax. This physical connection can help reduce stress and reconnect the couple. My partner and I often embrace for at least 30 seconds when the last partner gets home.

TALKING DAILY

Falling in love necessitates a lot of one-on-one conversation about the good and unpleasant aspects of each partner's day as well as what is significant to each individual.

According to Dr. Doughty, the author of The Intentional Family, “Few dating couples would get married if they had as little focused conversation as most married couples do.”

Dr. Gottman’s research highlights that after couple’s therapy, the couples who have a daily stress-reducing conversation are less likely to relapse than couples who don’t talk daily.

Intentionally talking with each other one-on-one, even for just 15 minutes, can be good enough for busy couples. Focus on discussing how your daily events made you feel, rather than just talking about the facts of the events that occurred.

One of the best ways to do this is to tie the talking ritual to enjoying a beverage together. Dr. Doughty has coffee with his wife every night after dinner at the dining table. My partner and I have apple cider vinegar and talk while we sit up in bed.

It is far easier to preserve a connection when two partners are able to speak with each other every day. Having a conversation on a daily basis deepens affection for one's partner, boosts emotional and sexual intimacy, and prevents squabbles over little things that often occur in couples who don't have much connection on a daily basis.

EXERCISING TOGETHER

Actively maintaining health together is a great way to stay connected.

• Start or end the day with a walk around the neighborhood

• Go to a gym class together

• Head to and leave the gym together

• Play on a sports team together

Remember, if couples do nothing to actively improve their relationship, even without doing anything that is destructive, the relationship will get worse over time. That’s why it is vital to intentionally cultivate daily rituals that help partners reconnect.

Relationships thrive when couples realize that the seemingly insignificant moments, such as a loving hug and kiss when one partner comes home, are often the most significant of all. By being intentional, couples can transform dull, mindless routines into a source of connection and fun.

1. Campos, B., Graesch, A. P., Repetti, R., Bradbury, T., & Ochs, E. (2009). Opportunity for interaction? A naturalistic observation study of dual-earner families after work and school. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(6), 798-807. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015824

2. Larson, J.H., Crane, D. R., & Smith, C. W. (1991) Morning and night couples: The effect of wake and sleep patterns on marital adjustment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17(1), 53-65. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.1991.tb00864.x