Navigating Tranquility: Strategies for Maintaining Mental Health During Life Transitions

Life is a series of transitions, each offering unique opportunities and challenges. Whether you're changing careers, moving to a new city, or embarking on a significant life change, it's essential to prioritize your mental health during these periods of transformation. In this blog post, we'll explore effective strategies to help you manage your mental well-being and navigate the journey to a brighter future.

Acknowledge and Accept Change:

• The first step in managing mental health during a big life transition is to acknowledge the change and accept that it's a natural part of life. Change can be both exciting and daunting, triggering a range of emotions. By acknowledging these feelings, you empower yourself to address them head-on. Understand that it's okay to feel a mix of excitement, anxiety, and uncertainty. Embracing these emotions as part of the process allows you to move forward with greater self-awareness.

Set Realistic Expectations:

• Big life transitions often come with a set of expectations, both internal and external. While it's crucial to have goals and aspirations, setting realistic expectations is equally important. Recognize that not everything will go according to plan, and that's okay. Give yourself the flexibility to adapt and adjust your expectations as needed. Setting realistic goals helps alleviate the pressure and reduces the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.

Build a Support System:

• During times of change, having a strong support system can make a world of difference. Surround yourself with people who understand and support your journey. Share your thoughts and concerns with friends, family, or even seek out support groups related to your specific transition. Having a reliable support system provides an outlet for expressing your feelings and gaining valuable perspectives. It reminds you that you're not alone in your journey.

Prioritize Self-Care:

• Amidst the hustle and bustle of a life transition, self-care often takes a back seat. However, prioritizing self-care is crucial for maintaining mental well-being. Establish routines that include activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it's a daily walk, meditation, or indulging in a hobby, allocate time for self-care. Physical well-being is closely linked to mental health, so ensure you are getting enough sleep, staying active, and nourishing your body with healthy food.

Embrace Flexibility and Adaptability:

• Life transitions rarely unfold exactly as planned. Embracing flexibility and adaptability is key to managing mental health during these times. Be open to adjusting your plans based on evolving circumstances. A rigid mindset can lead to frustration and stress. Instead, view change as an opportunity for growth and learning. The ability to adapt allows you to navigate unexpected challenges with resilience and a positive outlook.

Seek Professional Guidance:

• If the mental toll of a life transition becomes overwhelming, seeking professional guidance can be immensely beneficial. A therapist or counselor can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and a non-judgmental space for you to explore your emotions. Professional support is not a sign of weakness but rather a proactive step towards maintaining and improving your mental health.

Focus on the Present Moment:

It's easy to get caught up in the uncertainties of the future during significant life transitions. However, focusing on the present moment can help alleviate anxiety. Practice mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, to center yourself. By grounding yourself in the present, you can better appreciate the journey and approach challenges with a clear and calm mind.

Conclusion:

• Life transitions are inevitable, but how we navigate them can significantly impact our mental well-being. By acknowledging change, setting realistic expectations, building a support system, prioritizing self-care, embracing flexibility, seeking professional guidance when needed, and focusing on the present moment, you can effectively manage your mental health during big life transitions. Remember, every transition is an opportunity for personal growth and a chance to shape a fulfilling and meaningful future.

By: Kaitlin Lowey

Navigating Transitions from College to the Real World: Coping Strategies for Graduates

Graduating from college is a significant milestone, often accompanied by a mix of excitement, anticipation, and uncertainty. Transitioning from the structured world of academia to the reality of the professional workforce can be challenging. If you're a recent graduate grappling with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, or dissatisfaction with your job, you're not alone. As a mental health professional, I'm here to provide guidance on how to cope with these challenges and find your footing in the real world.

1. Embrace Change with Realistic Expectations

The transition from college to a professional job is a profound change that comes with its own set of challenges. It's essential to approach this period with realistic expectations. Understand that the initial stages of your career may not be as glamorous or fulfilling as you envisioned. You might be starting at an entry-level position or facing a steep learning curve. Give yourself permission to grow and evolve over time.

1. Seek Support and Connection

Loneliness is a common experience during the transition from college to the real world. In college, you were likely surrounded by friends and a supportive community. In the professional world, it's common to feel isolated, especially if you're working remotely or in a new city. To combat loneliness, make an effort to stay connected with friends and family. Consider joining networking groups or social clubs related to your interests to meet like-minded individuals.

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Feelings of inadequacy often stem from comparing yourself to others or holding yourself to unrealistic standards. It's essential to practice self-compassion during this transition. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing similar challenges. Remember that it's okay to make mistakes and that personal and professional growth takes time.

1. Set Realistic Goals

Feeling unfulfilled in your job might be a result of unrealistic expectations or misalignment with your career goals. Take the time to set clear and realistic short-term and long-term goals. Break down your goals into manageable steps, and consider seeking guidance from a career counselor or mentor to help you navigate your career path.

1. Explore New Interests and Hobbies

To combat dissatisfaction with your work, consider exploring new interests and hobbies outside of your job. Engaging in activities you're passionate about can provide a sense of fulfillment and balance in your life. It can also help you meet people with similar interests, potentially alleviating feelings of loneliness.

1. Communicate with Your Employer

If you're unhappy with your job, it's essential to communicate with your employer or supervisor. Constructive feedback can lead to positive changes in your role or work environment. Additionally, discussing your concerns with your employer can help you gain clarity on your career trajectory and whether the company aligns with your long-term goals.

1. Manage Stress

The transition from college to the real world can be stressful. Balancing the demands of a new job, financial responsibilities, and personal life can take a toll on your well-being. Prioritize stress management techniques such as mindfulness, exercise, and relaxation exercises to help you cope with the pressures of this transition.

1. Seek Professional Help

If you find that your feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, or job dissatisfaction persist and significantly impact your daily life, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. A mental health counselor or therapist can work with you to address these challenges, provide coping strategies, and support your emotional well-being.

1. Network and Build Relationships

Networking is a crucial aspect of professional growth and personal satisfaction. Attend industry events, join professional organizations, and seek out mentors who can guide you in your career. Building relationships with colleagues and peers can provide a support system and open up opportunities for career advancement.

1. Embrace Continuous Learning

In the professional world, learning doesn't end with college. Embrace the concept of lifelong learning and invest in your personal and professional development. Pursuing additional courses, certifications, or workshops can help you gain new skills and enhance your job satisfaction.

The transition from college to the real world can be a tumultuous journey filled with challenges and uncertainties. It's important to recognize that struggling with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, or job dissatisfaction is a common experience during this phase. By embracing change with realistic expectations, seeking support, practicing self-compassion, and actively working on your personal and professional growth, you can navigate this transition with resilience and find fulfillment in your professional journey. Remember that you have the strength and potential to thrive in the real world, even when it feels overwhelming.

Harvard Study Reveals Key to Happiness and Health: Meaningful Relationships with Family, Friends, and Community

The Study

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, started in 1938, is the longest study on human life with a mission to uncover the secrets to good health and happiness. The original cohort of 268 student volunteers (including future president John F. Kennedy) has expanded over the years to include their offspring, varying socioeconomic classes, and women. Data collected reveals a surprising truth about us as human beings – our close relationships are what keep us happiest and healthiest throughout our lives.

Every few years, participants of the study have completed questionnaires regarding their health, marriages, careers, success and failures, and much more. They’ve shared their medical records and sat down for in-person interviews. After pouring over data and stories acquired over decades, scientists have discovered that the best predictor of health and happiness in life is having close connections with others. Our relationships are more important to our well-being than money, fame, social class, IQ, and even our genes. In fact, people who have strong, meaningful relationships in their 50s turn out to be the healthiest ones in their 80s. 

The Power of Human Connection

Why is human connection so powerful? Multiple studies reveal the positive impacts of social connections. Strong relationships lead to better mental health, lower rates of anxiety and depression, stronger immune systems, higher self-esteem, greater empathy towards others, improved ability to recover from disease, and can ultimately help us live longer lives. Think about how nice it feels to sit with others and share a piece of ourselves through stories and experiences. We laugh together, which releases endorphins in our body. Endorphins are those “feel good” hormones that give us a sense of well-being and can temporarily relieve pain. And the more we engage in social activities and reap the benefits of their impact, the more people WANT to be with us, thus creating a positive feedback loop of human connectedness.

The Effects of Loneliness

Why is loneliness so detrimental to our health? According to the Harvard study, loneliness is as harmful to us as alcoholism and smoking. In fact, we now know that feeling lonely can negatively impact our immune system, sleep patterns, blood pressure, stress hormones, and mental health. As we age over time, these impacts take a toll on our bodies and minds. And in our later years of life, social connections and support may be even harder to find with limits in mobility and a shrinking social cohort. Nurturing healthy relationships today help buffer the impact of entering our twilight years.

Becoming Connected with Others

How do we incorporate the findings of the Harvard study into our own lives for better health and happiness? How do we make new social connections and nurture the ones we already have? It’s easier than you think. Start with the people who already show up in your life. Set up date night with your partner. Go play with your kids. Reach out to a friend today and get something on the calendar – perhaps a walk along Bayshore Boulevard in the early morning or evening, a stroll through one of the various weekend markets we have in Tampa, a backyard cookout, or just a meaningful conversation on your front porch. It doesn’t need to be an expensive or time-consuming outing – it’s all about the connection.

And don’t forget to seek out opportunities in your community for expanding your social circle. Consider attending church on Sunday, finding a tennis or pickleball clinic, signing up for a cooking class, or mentoring a young person who needs guidance in life. All of these options and more are available to you. With knowledge gained from the Harvard study, we now know the key to a lifetime of happiness and good health – meaningful relationships. Let’s get started.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Why the transition from college athlete to the real world is so hard

The experiences of athletes like Simone Biles and Michael Phelps have shed light on the mental health struggles many athletes face. A topic that has received less attention – but deserves equal standing – is the mental wellbeing of athletes who are transitioning from intense competition into the next phase of their life. 

This period of time can be a difficult one for many reasons. Most athletes end their athletic career in college, which coincides with numerous changes that all college graduates face, including leaving the familiarity of school, entering the workforce, and a general sense of uncertainty that comes with starting a new phase. But for athletes, this period can be even more difficult because it can feel like a large portion of their identity has been lost.

Whereas most college students have the opportunity to test out new identities and “find themselves” in high school and college, athletes’ immense time and energy investment in their sports prevents them from doing the same. Their athletic participation, which usually begins early in life, provides them with athletic purpose, athletic identity, structure, adoration from others, camaraderie with teammates, competition highs, and social status. But this comes at a cost. They miss out on opportunities to explore life outside of athletics, experiment with various roles, and face conflicts that refine one’s sense of self. Ultimately, this can result in what is known as identity foreclosure, which essentially means not having had the opportunity to explore oneself before settling on an identity. In other words, athletes don’t have the opportunity to find out who they are apart from their sport. On top of this, retiring athletes face the loss of being highly skilled at something, the loss of a built-in support network, and the loss of public admiration. If all of this sounds like a lot, that’s because it is!

It’s no wonder that retiring student-athletes often struggle with adjustment difficulties, uncertainty, career problems, financial issues, social problems, and issues with self-esteem, self-concept, well-being, and life direction as they transition from their exclusive athletic identity to an uncertain one. The shift away from athletics has been associated with mental health symptoms including feelings of grief, anxiety, and depression, as well as decreased social support, isolation, declined sense of self-worth, loss of interest in activities, and lack of motivation. Furthermore, athletes who have not developed coping strategies may turn to substance use or unhealthy eating habits, which are common coping mechanisms among student-athletes encountering negative events. 

If you’re an athlete or recently retired athlete, you might be feeling anxious about the transition into the “real world,” or you might be nodding along in recognition of your experience. Thankfully, whether you are planning ahead for the next phase or seeking support during a recent retirement, there are many things you can do to ease the transition. The first is to develop interests and skills outside of your sport. Ideally, you would engage in pre-retirement planning a year or more in advance. However, if you haven’t done that, there are still many ways you can move forward with intention. The key is to consider your values and interests apart from your sport, begin to develop new skills that align with those values and interests, and set goals. These steps can help you develop a sense of identity outside of athletics that you can build on. Ask yourself what lights you up and gets you excited, and go from there. Ultimately, you will be able to take the motivation and hard work you applied to your sport and channel it into finding success in a new pursuit. It may take time, and the beginning may feel overwhelming, but think of it like building a muscle. It might hurt, and it might be slow going, but eventually you will see the results!

Another important step is to process your feelings about stopping your sport. You can explore what being an athlete has contributed to your life, what it is/will be like to no longer identify as an athlete or be part of a team, and what emotions that brings up for you. In addition, you should process through any fears, hopes, and beliefs you have about entering this next life phase. If you have already stopped playing your sport and are going through the grieving process, know that this is normal. It’s okay – actually, necessary – to allow yourself to grieve, and you don’t have to go through it alone. You can do this work with teammates and mentors, in therapy, or as part of a support group. 

Another important factor to consider is continuation of belonging and social support – two major benefits athletes receive from being a part of a team. Again, you don’t have to go through this transition alone! Be intentional about checking in with your team members who are going through the same situation, and make a plan for how to support one another through this time. You should also seek out groups of individuals with similar interests outside of your sports team. For example, you might sign up for intramural sports, take an art or photography class, or get involved in a company with lots of other motivated young people. It’s important to remember that building social relationships outside of sports can take work and take time, and they may look and feel slightly different than the ones you had in college.

The transition from athlete to the “real world” can be a tricky one, so if you are going through it, be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to mourn the loss of your athlete identity. And it’s okay to feel scared or anxious about what lies ahead. At the same time, it’s okay to look forward to how you will learn, grow, and find success – whatever that looks like for you – over the next several decades! There is so much more to you than the title of athlete. And your friends, teammates, and mentors are there to help you along your journey. We are all rooting for you! 

Book with author of this blog post, Kaitlin Lowey, here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

7 Daily Habits for Bettering Your Mental Health

Taking care of our mental health is crucial for overall well-being and happiness. Just as we engage in daily activities to maintain physical health, it's essential to develop habits that promote good mental health. In this blog post, we'll explore seven simple but effective tips for improving your mental well-being on a daily basis. By incorporating these habits into your routine, you can cultivate a positive mindset and lead a more fulfilling life.

1. Practice Mindfulness:

Start your day with mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a few moments to focus on the present moment. Mindfulness helps calm the mind, reduces stress, and enhances self-awareness. It allows you to let go of negative thoughts and cultivate a positive mindset.

2. Establish Healthy Boundaries:

Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining good mental health. Learn to say "no" when necessary, and don't overcommit yourself. Recognize your limits and communicate them effectively. By establishing healthy boundaries, you can reduce stress, prevent burnout, and prioritize self-care.

3. Engage in Physical Exercise:

Regular physical exercise not only benefits your physical health but also has a profound impact on your mental well-being. Engaging in activities like walking, jogging, yoga, or dancing releases endorphins, which are natural mood boosters. Aim for at least 30 minutes of exercise daily to reduce stress, improve sleep quality, and boost your overall mood.

4. Connect with Others:

Human connection is vital for our mental health. Nurture your relationships by spending quality time with loved ones, friends, or participating in group activities. Engage in meaningful conversations, express your emotions, and seek support when needed. Building a strong support system can provide comfort, reduce feelings of isolation, and foster a sense of belonging.

5. Practice Self-Care:

Self-care is essential for maintaining a healthy mind. Dedicate time each day to engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it's reading a book, taking a bath, practicing a hobby, or listening to music, make self-care a priority. Taking care of yourself enables you to recharge, reduce stress, and improve your overall mental well-being.

6. Prioritize Sleep:

A good night's sleep is crucial for mental health. Aim for 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night. Establish a regular sleep schedule, create a soothing bedtime routine, and ensure your sleep environment is comfortable and conducive to rest. Sufficient sleep improves cognitive function, regulates mood, and enhances emotional resilience.

7. Practice Gratitude:

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude has a profound impact on mental health. Each day, take a few moments to reflect on the things you're grateful for. This practice helps shift your focus to the positive aspects of life, promotes optimism, and reduces stress. Consider keeping a gratitude journal or sharing your gratitude with others to enhance its effects.

Improving your mental health doesn't require drastic changes; it starts with small, daily habits that positively impact your overall well-being. By practicing mindfulness, setting boundaries, engaging in regular exercise, nurturing relationships, prioritizing self-care, getting sufficient sleep, and cultivating gratitude, you can transform your mental landscape and lead a more fulfilling life. Remember, taking care of your mental health is a continuous journey, and each small step counts towards a healthier, happier you.

Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

How to overcome social media addiction and do a digital detox

Internet, phone, and social media addiction is a growing concern in today's digital age, with many people finding it hard to disconnect from their devices and online networks. As we explore the psychological reasons behind this phenomenon, it becomes clear that the internet and social media meet certain human needs that are crucial to our well-being. But at what cost?

Last month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to overcome social media addiction and do a digital detox. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.

Doom scrolling on social media can have a negative impact on your health.

Mental Health Counseling Professional, Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy joined Gayle Guyardo, the host of the global health and wellness show, Bloom, to share more about why a digital detox is beneficial for your health.

Using social media and the internet feels good because it meets certain psychological needs in an instant

One of the main psychological needs met is the need for social connection and belonging. People can stay in touch with friends and family, connect with like-minded individuals, and find support and validation. 

Another important one is the need for information and knowledge – and deeper than that, a need for a feeling of control and certainty. The internet provides access to a vast amount of information on any topic, and this accumulation of knowledge can provide a sense of comfort when aspects of our lives feel out of our control. 

While the internet and social media can be beneficial in many ways, excessive use or addiction can have negative effects on mental health

Studies have shown that excessive internet and social media use can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and low self-esteem. The constant stimulation and distraction of the internet and social media can also interfere with sleep, productivity, and overall quality of life.

There are remarkable benefits of taking a break from, or limiting, social media use

Taking a break from social media use is linked to  reduced stress and anxiety, improved self-esteem, and increased productivity. In a 2018 study found that limiting social media use to 30 minutes per day led to significant reductions in depression and loneliness. By disconnecting from the constant barrage of information and stimulation, we can focus on more meaningful activities and relationships, leading to a greater sense of fulfillment and well-being.

To successfully take a break from problematic internet or social media use, the key is to make a plan 

Before starting, track your triggers. What is happening in those moments before you reach for your phone, and how are you feeling? Are you feeling bored? Anxious? Lonely? These feelings are connected to deeper psychological needs, such as the need for connection, certainty, and purpose.

Then, identify coping skills and alternative activities that meet your psychological needs in healthier ways. For example, you can connect with friends and family in person, engage in physical exercise, pursue creative hobbies, or volunteer in your community. Mindfulness-based interventions, such as meditation and mindful breathing, have been effective in reducing social media addiction. It can be helpful and insight-building to journal your thoughts and feelings. You might be surprised by what you learn about yourself. 

Finally, let technology help you! Apps that encourage users to engage in alternative activities, such as exercise and mindfulness, have been shown to be effective in reducing social media addiction. Don’t beat yourself up if you slip. Addictions are hard to beat! Rather, gently notice what happened, ask yourself what you are needing in that moment, and consider other ways you can meet that need using your coping skills.

How to navigate the transition from the 20s to the 30s

This month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to navigate the life stage transition many people undergo during their 30s. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.

20’s are a time of self-discovery and paving your life path, but as many reach their 30’s, that transitions into getting married, having kids, and leaving a legacy.

Mental Health Counseling Professional, Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy joined Gayle Guyardo, the host of the global health and wellness show, Bloom, to share more about transitioning into your 30’s.

Typically at some point in their 30s, individuals move into the middle adulthood stage of their lives. Between ages 18 and up to age 40 in some cases, people work through what famous psychologist Erik Erikson called the intimacy versus isolation stage, which is about finding and forming fulfilling romantic relationships and friendships. This stage can be completed at different times for different people, but the main task associated with intimacy versus isolation is forming close, enduring relationships. 

Erikson called the stage after this generativity versus stagnation, and it’s all about developing a sense of purpose, caring for others, and contributing to the world. In this stage, individuals – having developed strong relationships with others – may focus on their work, raising families, or contributing to their community. While Erikson generally felt this stage should start by age 40, many people begin to shift their focus on these contribution-focused tasks earlier, often in their 30s. 

So, how does one successfully complete the task of learning how to care and contribute to the world in a way that brings them meaning during this phase of life?

1. Developing a sense of purpose: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must find meaning and purpose in their lives beyond their own personal needs and desires. To successfully navigate this transition from intimacy versus isolation, individuals must begin to explore and cultivate their own sense of purpose. This could involve pursuing career goals, volunteering for a cause they care about, or developing a hobby or passion that provides a sense of fulfillment and purpose.

2. Building and maintaining relationships: Intimacy versus isolation is all about developing close relationships with others, and this remains important in generativity versus stagnation. However, the focus shifts from romantic partnerships and friendships to broader social connections, such as their community. To navigate this transition successfully, individuals must continue to invest in their relationships and develop new ones, while also learning to balance their own needs with the needs of others.

3. Leaving a legacy: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must begin to think about the mark they will leave on the world. This could involve having children and raising them well, contributing to their community in meaningful ways, or leaving behind a creative or intellectual legacy. Individuals must begin to think about their impact on the world and take actions that align with their values and goals. This may involve taking risks, trying new things, and stepping outside of their comfort zone in order to make a meaningful contribution to the world around them.

Counseling top tip: Identify your values

One powerful exercise you can do to ensure you are spending their time on meaningful, generative, and purposeful activities during this stage is to identify your values. In order to complete the exercise, find a list of values (there are several values lists online as well as values card decks for purchase). Sort the values into 3 piles: very important to me, kind of important to me, and not important to me. Then, select your top 5 values from the very important to me pile. Map your activities onto these values to determine how closely what you are spending your time on aligns with these values. This enables you to make a better-informed decision about living with intention during the middle adulthood years. Just think: 30 years from now, you’ll be able to look back on this time of your life and know you made the most of it!

7 Rituals for Intentional Relationships

Most of us know that relationships take work, but our busy lives can make it difficult to stay connected. The demands of family life and career often leave couples with little time for themselves. The UCLA Family Resilience Project sought to find out what makes some relationships last while others fall apart, and the results are enlightening.

A romantic couple does not have to be dysfunctional to grow distant over time, as a result of the constant pressures, diversions, and dynamics of modern existence. Long working hours and the demands of parenting can push date night, sex, and romantic trips down the priority list.

Researchers at UCLA observed 30 dual-career couples with young children to understand the daily challenges for finding opportunities to build strong relationships and families. They discovered that these couples: 

1. Spend less than 10% of their time at home with each other and without their children around

2. Are career-focused with long working hours (partner one) and a have a double burden of work and childcare (partner two)

3. Prioritize children and household needs over the needs of their spouse or self

4. Become more like roommates, drifting apart emotionally and physically

5. Miss important opportunities to connect emotionally on a daily basis

We are clearly experiencing difficulties because of our high expectations in our professions and relationships, as well as little guidance on how to make love last. The deliberate couple has the potential to grow their emotional connection over time in order to bond over the years of their relationship.

LEARNING HOW TO STAY IN LOVE

When we are falling in love, we are more deliberate about going on dates, having intimate conversations to learn about each other, and making time for shared activities than married couples might be. It's simple to fall in love; it's much more difficult to maintain love, which necessitates intentionally producing moments of connection and intimacy. Perhaps a look at another realm of life will help us look for an analogous way of thriving.

The majority of successful business owners will tell you that money is not nearly as important as their time and effort. It turns out that how they choose to spend their time and energy contributes significantly to how much money they earn. In other words, the same is true for a person's love life. When we are at home, it's easy to allow autopilot bad habits to form.

I was on my phone recently while my partner was talking about something important. I was skimming all of the videos, articles, and quotations on my Instagram feed for ideas on how to be a better lover. It wasn't until my partner told me, "You aren't paying attention to me!" that I became aware of how mindlessly absorbed I was.

See the irony?

Couples must resist the temptation to go with the easy option of just allowing things to happen in their relationships. The tragic reality of love is that even if we do nothing to improve our romantic relationships, they will deteriorate over time regardless of whether or not we are doing anything harmful. Relationships need constant attention and upkeep.

According to the author of The Intentional Family, we need to focus on two connection killers to make our relationships better: how we spend our time and how we use technology.

1. Many couples are time-poor. Driving kids to soccer practice after a full day of work, only to come home and cook or do the laundry, leaves very little time for oneself and one’s significant other. A busy couple can first focus on improving the quality of their interactions by truly focusing on each other and the relationship during the time that is available.

2. Couples fail to intentionally disconnect with the outside world, missing the opportunity to truly connect with each other’s inner worlds. Our electronic devices are always sending us notifications that can interrupt and distract us from enjoying relationship time. The good news is that just making some minor changes in how devices are used can significantly improve the quality of a couple’s time together.

RITUALIZING DAILY CONNECTIONS

One of the most effective methods to intentionally enhance a connection is to make the everyday actions we already do, as well as create new customs that make each encounter with one another, even when we're crazy busy, more meaningful and connected. A romantic ritual is a recurring, planned, and, most importantly, intentionally meaningful to both partners.

START PRACTICING YOUR INTENTIONS TODAY

In Wired for Dating, Stan Tatkin, PsyD. states that “you can and should be your partner’s best antidepressant and anti-anxiety agent.” The following rituals of connection not only provide us with access to one another, but also relieve the stress we experience on a daily basis.

Sit down with your partner and choose two rituals from the list below that you'd want to try out. Talk about why these rituals will be meaningful to both of you before putting them into action. If any particular memories come to mind during this conversation, such as childhood memories, spend some time describing them in detail. Finally, work the specifics of when you will practice these.

EATING TOGETHER

At mealtime without kids, you may find yourself plopped down on the couch watching the latest Netflix series, or browsing social media while sitting at the dining table.

With kids, conflicting work, school, and extracurricular activity schedules make it tough to find the time to connect with your lover at mealtime, or to have the energy to cook healthy food.

When meals are eaten together in a space that facilitates conversation, couples often feel more connected and as a result, tend to have fewer petty fights.

Here are 4 tips for enhancing your mealtime:

1. Discuss who does what; such as who buys the food, who cooks the food, and who sets the table. One couple I worked with has one partner cook while the other partner sets the table before the kids join. Another couple takes turns cooking their favorite dishes.

2. Think about how you connect. During the cooking process, a few couples would play some light music, pour a glass of wine, and talk to each other before the kids joined for the meal. It’s helpful to consider the environment of where the couple or family eats as well. Does it have a TV playing? Are cell phones allowed? Intentionally think about potential distractions and interruptions and decide in advance which ones both partners are okay with.

3. Consider what the family as a whole might talk about at mealtime to further strengthen the bond. A billionaire’s father used to ask, “What have you failed at this week?” Other families discuss what they appreciate, or something they have accomplished. It’s also helpful to have clear rules around what shouldn’t be discussed, such as marital conflicts.

4. Is the start and end clear? What signals the start of the meal? Is it a specific start time or someone telling the family it’s time for dinner? When does the ritual end? Is this when everyone has finished eating? Does everyone help out with the dishes?

If you struggle to find time for a romantic or family dinner each night, think of opportunities during morning and weekend meals, such as a regular Sunday brunch. Maybe on certain nights you can go out to eat, creating a ritual such as Taco Tuesdays.

WAKING AND SLEEPING TOGETHER

Couples with mismatched sleeping styles, as in the case of an early bird paired with a night owl, can experience instability in the relationship. This can lead to more conflict, less time for shared activities, less sex, and less connecting conversation. 

Tatkin believes that it’s healthy for partners, even those with different sleep styles, to discover ways to begin and end their days together with rituals. Here are some ways to stay in sync:

The Morning:

• Get up early and share a cup of coffee, or return to bed for a 15-minute discussion before going back to sleep.

• Before beginning the day, snuggle for a few moments.

• Tell each other one thing you like about the other person.

• Have breakfast together

The Evening:

• Focus your attention on softening your gaze for a few minutes before falling asleep by looking into each other's eyes.

• Make some soothing tea and chat while relaxing in bed.

• Read to one another every day.

• Express your gratitude to your spouse.

LEAVING FOR THE DAY AND REUNITING AT NIGHT:

It all comes down to where the connection is, and how couples part and reunite.

When you or your partner leave for the day, do you embrace each other? Do you kiss? When you reunite, do you hug and tell your partner you missed them?

This study of 30 couples found that the men who returned home later in the day received no acknowledgment from their distracted family members. Being greeted in a loving way is a fantastic start to an evening at home. Here are some ideas:

Leaving:

• A six-second kiss. Dr. Gottman who has observed thousands of couples for 40 years calls this kiss a “kiss with potential.”

• A genuinely comprehensive embrace that embraces both individuals (not a one-arm hug)

• Asking your partner what are they most excited about today? Or what are they worried about today? Dr. Gottman calls this building a map of your partner’s daily life.

Reuniting:

• Tatkin suggests a “Welcome Home routine.” Greet your partner and give them a long hug and kiss.

• Hugging to relax: Dr. Schnarch, a renowned Couples Therapist, encourages partners to hold each other until they relax. This physical connection can help reduce stress and reconnect the couple. My partner and I often embrace for at least 30 seconds when the last partner gets home.

TALKING DAILY

Falling in love necessitates a lot of one-on-one conversation about the good and unpleasant aspects of each partner's day as well as what is significant to each individual.

According to Dr. Doughty, the author of The Intentional Family, “Few dating couples would get married if they had as little focused conversation as most married couples do.”

Dr. Gottman’s research highlights that after couple’s therapy, the couples who have a daily stress-reducing conversation are less likely to relapse than couples who don’t talk daily.

Intentionally talking with each other one-on-one, even for just 15 minutes, can be good enough for busy couples. Focus on discussing how your daily events made you feel, rather than just talking about the facts of the events that occurred.

One of the best ways to do this is to tie the talking ritual to enjoying a beverage together. Dr. Doughty has coffee with his wife every night after dinner at the dining table. My partner and I have apple cider vinegar and talk while we sit up in bed.

It is far easier to preserve a connection when two partners are able to speak with each other every day. Having a conversation on a daily basis deepens affection for one's partner, boosts emotional and sexual intimacy, and prevents squabbles over little things that often occur in couples who don't have much connection on a daily basis.

EXERCISING TOGETHER

Actively maintaining health together is a great way to stay connected.

• Start or end the day with a walk around the neighborhood

• Go to a gym class together

• Head to and leave the gym together

• Play on a sports team together

Remember, if couples do nothing to actively improve their relationship, even without doing anything that is destructive, the relationship will get worse over time. That’s why it is vital to intentionally cultivate daily rituals that help partners reconnect.

Relationships thrive when couples realize that the seemingly insignificant moments, such as a loving hug and kiss when one partner comes home, are often the most significant of all. By being intentional, couples can transform dull, mindless routines into a source of connection and fun.

1. Campos, B., Graesch, A. P., Repetti, R., Bradbury, T., & Ochs, E. (2009). Opportunity for interaction? A naturalistic observation study of dual-earner families after work and school. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(6), 798-807. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015824

2. Larson, J.H., Crane, D. R., & Smith, C. W. (1991) Morning and night couples: The effect of wake and sleep patterns on marital adjustment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17(1), 53-65. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.1991.tb00864.x

The Stages of Actual Change: There's A Hole In My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson

(Autobiography in Five Chapters, from There's A Hole In My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson)

Chapter One

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost . . . I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in . . . it’s a habit . . . but,

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

Life Balance

Photo by styf22/iStock / Getty Images

It is important to balance aspects of life by taking one step at a time. One of the most important things to remember is to set aside specific times to accomplish tasks. Getting more organized, setting specific times for doing tasks, and achieving a schedule will help individuals attain diminutive tasks throughout every day duties. Learning time management skills is definitely a way to help one accomplish goals.

Many people who claim to be victims of psychological or physiological effects of stress may have been able to deal more efficiently with the stressors by using different coping skills. Because we can not always change and manipulate stress nor our external realities, sometimes changing one’s outlook on life greatly affects the way an individual deals with and views stressors. For example, an individual who has a positive outlook, is physically fit, and in touch with many of the dimensions of her being may be able to make a connection by really listening to her body and focusing what her body may be trying to telling her. It is important that people know the avenues to use while dealing with and preventing stress. Massage therapy, accupuncture, yoga, and meditation may be a few ways to help individuals make the connection to life balance . I’ve learned that I really hold tension in my shoulders. So, when I am stressed out I try and work on releasing the tension in this area of my body. Deep relaxation may be another way to manage stress. I have actually written a few of my own meditations to practice.

The basic difference between constructive and destructive reactions to stress is that destructive reactions are maladaptive and constructive reactions are usually more effective.

Examples of destructive reactions are:

1.      Defensive Behavior, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling 

2.      Using Drugs and Alcohol

3.      Burnout

             Examples of constructive reactions are:

1.      Changing Self Defeating Thoughts and Messages

2.      Acquiring A Sense of Humor

3.      Utilizing Tips for Managing Stress