Rewiring the Brain

For generations, our brains have been wired to think in terms of right and wrong. And, we've been programmed to judge, diagnose, correct, and a myriad of other behaviors that as Marshall says, "prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect emphatically with others."

Practice in NVC includes rewiring our brain so these behaviors are no longer automatic:

• Advising: "I think you should ..."

• Consoling: "You did the best you could ..."

• Correcting: "That's not what I heard ..."

• Educating: "This could really be positive if you would only ..."

• Explaining: "I would have e-mailed but ..."

• Interrogating: "When did you start feeling that way?"

• One-upping: "Well it was worse for me."

• Shutting down: "Don't feel so bad."

• Storytelling: "That reminds me of when ..."

• Sympathizing: "Oh, you poor thing!"

Responses such as these are so ingrained from our cultural and societal upbringing that we must be committed to empathetic listening to bypass the hard wiring in our brain.

It's not to say that any of these behaviors are wrong -- in fact, sometimes advice or sympathy is exactly what's requested. Rather, we need to recognize when our response is automatic, or deliberate and consistent with what's requested. We also need to be forgiving of ourselves as we learn NVC, knowing that the rewards of empathic listening are worth the steep learning curve.

Mindful Practice for the Week

Do you recognize any of the above behaviors as a regular part of your conversation? See if next time you can take a deep breath make a more compassionate choice. Enjoy your week!