Multiplicity & Self-Leadership in Internal Family Systems (IFS)

In therapy and everyday language, we often say things like, “A part of me feels tired, but another part feels guilty resting.”
In Internal Family Systems (IFS therapy), this isn't metaphor - it’s a compassionate and evidence-based way of understanding the mind.

IFS teaches that we each have many “parts,” and at the core, an inner Self - calm, curious, compassionate, and capable of leading our inner system with clarity and wisdom.

Understanding Multiplicity in IFS Therapy

Many people believe they should have a single, consistent identity - one clear self, always in control.
So when we feel conflicted, anxious, or pulled in different directions, we assume something is wrong.

IFS reframes this truth:

Multiplicity isn’t dysfunction - it’s human.

Just like a family system, our inner world contains many parts, each with its own role:

• Protective parts that try to keep us safe

• Manager parts that strive, push, plan, and perform

• Exiled parts that carry hurt, shame, fear, and past wounds

When we recognize these parts as inner protectors instead of problems, we open the door to self-compassion and emotional safety.

What Is the Self in Internal Family Systems?

IFS believes there is a core Self within each of us - not a part, but the authentic center of who we are.

Qualities of Self include:

• Calmness

• Clarity

• Curiosity

• Compassion

• Confidence

• Connectedness

Self-leadership isn’t something we “achieve.”
It’s something we allow, by gently noticing and caring for the parts inside that are trying to help us survive and belong.

Self-Leadership: Healing Through Compassion

When the Self leads, internal conflict eases. Parts no longer need to shout, numb, defend, or panic to be heard.

In IFS trauma-informed therapy, healing looks like:

• An anxious part softens because it feels seen

• A critical part relaxes when understood as a protector

• A younger hurting part finally receives comfort & connection

We don’t force change - we create inner safety where change becomes possible.

How to Start Practicing IFS in Daily Life

A gentle entry point into Internal Family Systems is language.
Instead of saying “I’m overwhelmed,” try:

“A part of me feels overwhelmed.”

This simple shift:

• Creates emotional space

• Reduces shame

• Helps you access curiosity instead of criticism

Other grounding questions:

• What is this part trying to protect me from?

• What does this part need right now - reassurance, rest, boundaries, care?

• Can I bring kindness to this feeling instead of judgment?

Small moments of self-attunement build powerful internal trust over time.

Why IFS Therapy Matters

When we stop fighting our feelings and begin befriending them, everything shifts:

• Less internal conflict

• Increased emotional resilience

• Healthier boundaries

• Greater intimacy in relationships

• A deeper sense of wholeness

IFS offers a path out of self-criticism and into self-connection and inner safety.

Begin Your Healing Journey

Thank you for reading.
My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level counseling intern at South Tampa Therapy, offering:

• Internal Family Systems-informed therapy

• Attachment-based support

• Trauma-aware counseling

• Self-compassion & somatic grounding work

If you’re seeking IFS-informed therapy in Tampa or want support building inner safety and emotional balance, I’d love to walk with you on your healing journey.

📍 Serving Tampa, FL & all of Florida via secure telehealth
✨ Book a session here: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Caring for Your Exiles: How Compassion Heals More Than Avoidance

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, exiles are the parts of us that hold deep emotional pain - old memories, unmet needs, and feelings we pushed away to survive. These parts carry childhood trauma, shame, fear, sadness, and loneliness. Because those emotions once felt overwhelming, our protective parts learned to distract, numb, control, or shut down.

That survival strategy worked then -
but healing and emotional growth come from gently turning toward those parts with compassion, not avoidance.

This article explores how trauma-informed therapy, self-compassion practices, and IFS inner child work help us reconnect to the exiled parts of ourselves and create emotional safety within.

What Exiles Need Most

Exiles don’t need fixing - they need attunement, patience, and connection.

These parts are often young versions of us, frozen in moments of pain or abandonment. They’ve been waiting for someone to finally say:

“I see you. You make sense. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

In IFS counseling, this is called leading from Self energy - the calm, compassionate, curious core within us.

When exiles feel your presence and safety, real trauma healing begins.

Why Avoidance Makes Sense (and Why It Hurts)

Avoiding emotional pain is a protective reflex.
We build coping patterns like:

• Perfectionism

• Overthinking

• People-pleasing

• Emotional numbing

• Controlling behaviors

These protectors aren’t “bad.” They’re simply trying to protect us from pain.

But buried emotions don’t disappear - they show up as:

• Anxiety or overwhelm

• Emotional reactivity

• Difficulty trusting in relationships

• Feeling disconnected from yourself or others

• Cycles of self-criticism or avoidance

IFS teaches us to listen to these inner parts with empathy, not judgment, allowing us to break old patterns and build secure inner attachment.

How to Start Reconnecting to Exiled Parts

Healing begins with awareness and compassion.

When a reaction feels bigger than the situation - a small comment stings, or you feel suddenly small, scared, or shut down - pause.

Try saying internally:

“A younger part of me is activated right now.”

Then offer self-soothing:

• Breathe deeply

• Place a hand on your heart or belly

• Say, “I’m here with you. You don’t have to hold this alone.”

If it feels overwhelming, honor that. Ask protective parts to soften slowly.
This isn’t about forcing emotion - it’s about building inner safety and trust.

Why Compassion Works Better Than Control

When we meet exiled parts with kindness:

• They soften instead of overwhelming us

• Protective parts feel safe stepping back

• Emotional stability increases

• We feel more connected to ourselves and others

This is the foundation of nervous system healing, shadow work, and secure attachment - not avoiding pain, but befriending it gently.

Healing doesn’t erase your story.
It allows every part of you to feel safe, seen, and accepted.

Thanks for reading

My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor practicing under supervision at South Tampa Therapy. I offer:

✅ IFS-informed therapy
✅ Somatic-based stress and anxiety relief
✅ Attachment-focused counseling
✅ Self-compassion and identity exploration

If you’re seeking trauma-informed therapy in Tampa or want support reconnecting to your inner world with warmth and curiosity, I’d love to work with you.

📍 Serving Tampa, FL & clients across Florida via telehealth
🌿 Book a session here: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Who Is the Real “You”? (IFS)

Who Am I, Really? Understanding Self & Parts Work Through IFS, EFT, & Gottman Method

By Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC | South Tampa Therapy - Tampa, FL

Have you ever paused and asked yourself:
“Who am I, really?”

If you're showing up in relationships, parenting, your career - and still sensing something missing — you may be operating from roles, learned responses, and protective parts, rather than your grounded inner Self.

This is incredibly common.

As a therapist in Tampa, FL specializing in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method couples therapy, and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I help individuals and couples reconnect with their core Self — the calm, clear, compassionate center beneath all survival strategies and emotional reactions.

If you’ve ever felt fragmented, reactive, or unsure which version of you is real…
you’re not broken - you’re human. And you’re in the right place.

🧠 What Is Internal Family Systems (IFS)?

IFS teaches that our inner world is made of parts - emotional states that each have a role and purpose:

• Protectors - manage stress, defend against vulnerability

• Managers - keep life on track, prevent chaos

• Firefighters - try to soothe pain (sometimes impulsively)

• Exiles - hold deep hurt, shame, fear, and early wounds

And beneath all of those is Self - your true essence.

IFS therapy is a powerful tool for:

• Trauma recovery

• Attachment healing

• Emotional regulation

• Relationship repair

• Identity clarity & self-trust

You are not your reactions - you are the one who can turn toward them with compassion.

💛 Recognizing the Parts Within You

Clients often ask:

“I felt angry… then ashamed… then numb. Which one is ‘me’?”

Each emotional wave might be a part stepping forward to protect you.

This is especially visible in relationships - where attachment wounds, nervous system activation, and learned survival patterns show up.

If you say things like:

• “I don’t recognize myself when I get triggered”

• “I shut down without meaning to”

• “I know what I should say but I can’t say it in the moment”

There is nothing wrong with you - a protector part is doing its job.

Couples see this too:
In Gottman Method therapy, it aligns with fight/flight patterns, repair attempts, and emotional safety needs.
In EFT therapy, it reflects attachment strategies trying to protect connection.

🌿 What Is Self-Energy?

Self-Energy is your grounded, wise, calm center.

You feel it when you are:

• Curious instead of defensive

• Present in your body

• Able to breathe through discomfort

• Loving without self-abandonment

• Open, not armored

• Leading - not reacting

In Gottman terms → repair oriented, emotionally available, attuned
In NVC terms → needs-based, not judgment-based

Your parts don’t disappear; they trust your Self to lead.

⭐ Qualities of Self-Energy

The 8 C's

• Calm

• Curiosity

• Compassion

• Confidence

• Courage

• Clarity

• Connectedness

• Creativity

The 5 P’s

• Presence

• Patience

• Playfulness

• Persistence

• Perspective

When we lead from Self, conflict softens, shame loosens, and emotional safety grows — inside ourselves and with others.

💬 You Are Not Your Parts - You Are Your Wholeness

We’re not trying to exile or erase parts.
They are adaptive gifts - shaped by your history, attachment experiences, and trauma responses.

Healing isn’t forcing change - it’s befriending your nervous system and inner world.

When Self leads:

✅ Emotional flooding decreases
✅ Communication becomes safer
✅ Intimacy deepens
✅ Self-trust rebuilds
✅ Relationships become repair-centered

This is where IFS meets Gottman, NVC, attachment science, and somatic work.

🪞 Reflection Prompts: Meeting the Real You

Find quiet, breathe, and explore:

1. Who showed up today?
   List parts: achiever, pleaser, protector, critic, nurturer, etc.

2. What is this part protecting?
   (Fear? Worthiness? Abandonment? Shame?)

3. If Self spoke to this part, what would it say?
   Try compassion rather than control.

4. Where do I feel this in my body?
   Notice sensations — softening begins here.

5. How can I lead with curiosity this week?
   Choose one moment to pause instead of react.

You may discover the real you has been here all along.

🌴 If This Resonates - You Don't Have to Navigate It Alone

At South Tampa Therapy, I help individuals and couples throughout Florida work through:

• Relationship stress & betrayal repair

• Emotional reactivity & shutdown

• Attachment trauma & anxious/avoidant patterns

• Codependency & boundary healing

• Identity confusion & self-doubt

• Nervous system dysregulation

• High-achiever burnout & perfectionism

This is deep work, and also gentle work.

If you're ready to shift from coping to transforming — I’m here.

📍 Located in Tampa, FL
🌐 Serving all of Florida via telehealth
💑 Specializing in couples, marriage, and individual therapy
🔗 Book your first session at: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Borderline Personality Disorder and the Struggle for Identity

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is often misunderstood. It’s frequently reduced to ideas of “emotional chaos” or “intense relationships,” but beneath the surface, many individuals with BPD are grappling with something quieter and more profound: a fragile or fragmented sense of identity.

Who Am I, Really?

From a psychodynamic therapy perspective, identity forms in early life through consistent, attuned, and safe relationships. When those foundations are disrupted, through neglect, unpredictability, or trauma, a stable sense of self may not fully develop. Instead, a person may grow up shape-shifting to fit what others expect of them. Over time, this leaves them feeling unanchored, as if they are many different people depending on the situation.

This isn’t a flaw. It’s a survival strategy. Psychodynamic therapists understand these struggles not as “symptoms to manage” but as natural responses to difficult relational histories.

Splitting and the Search for Safety

A common experience in Borderline Personality Disorder is splitting, seeing people (including oneself) in extremes like “all good” or “all bad.” This is not manipulation. It’s an attempt to create safety and clarity in a world that has felt unsafe or unreliable.

When fears of abandonment or shame feel overwhelming, splitting can become a protective strategy. In therapy, rather than shutting it down, we explore it with curiosity. Often, these reactions come from younger parts of the self trying to stay safe.

The Missing Thread of Self-Compassion

Beneath anger, self-harm, or fears of abandonment lies something many people with BPD never had the chance to learn: self-compassion.

The harsh, critical inner voice often started as a way to survive in environments of rejection, chaos, or neglect. What once helped a child stay alert may now create feelings of shame or brokenness in adulthood.

Psychodynamic and attachment-based therapies work gently to build a more stable inner world. This involves:

• Understanding the origins of the inner critic

• Exploring emotional triggers in close relationships

• Developing a sense of self not defined by shame or others’ reactions

Healing Is Possible

People with Borderline Personality Disorder are often some of the most sensitive, insightful, and emotionally alive individuals. What they have often lacked is a safe container for that sensitivity.

Psychodynamic therapy, attachment-based therapy, and compassionate approaches like Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) provide that safe container. Therapy is not about “fixing” someone—it’s about helping them reconnect with parts of themselves that were left behind, silenced, or never fully formed.

With time, curiosity, and care, a more grounded identity can emerge. One that doesn’t need to cling or push away to feel real. One that embraces complexity, nuance, and worthiness of love.

✨ Thanks for reading.

My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor, practicing at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy rooted in insight, self-compassion, and respect for your lived experience.

👉 If this resonates with you, I invite you to book a session with me here

When Motivation Comes from Shame

Shame and fear can look like motivation. They might be what gets you out of bed in the morning or keeps you pushing when you are tired or overwhelmed. For a while, it can feel like they work.

From a psychodynamic perspective, this kind of drive usually has a history. Often there is a younger part of you that learned to stay safe by being hard on yourself. Maybe you believed you had to be exceptional to be loved. Or that mistakes meant you were a failure. That kind of pressure can feel normal when it is all you have ever known.

But living this way takes a toll.

Your Body Can Feel It

When shame is running the show, the nervous system stays on high alert. You might feel tension in your jaw or shoulders. Your stomach might hurt when you rest, or you may find yourself wired but exhausted. Over time, the stress becomes chronic and your body begins to carry the cost.

On the outside, you may look like you are functioning well. You may even be praised for your achievements. But if your inner world is filled with pressure, urgency, and self-criticism, you are likely suffering far more than others can see.

The Inner Critic Is Trying to Help

Psychodynamic theory views the inner critic as an adaptation. It usually formed in response to something painful or uncertain. It has a job. Most often, it tries to protect you from shame by using shame. And it may not realize there is another way.

That voice can sound convincing. It might feel like the truth. But just because it is loud does not mean it is wise. This is where therapy can help.

Curiosity Changes the Relationship

In therapy, the goal is not to argue with the critic or silence it. The goal is to understand it. Where did it come from? What is it trying to protect? How long has it been working so hard?

When you start to get curious about that part of yourself, something begins to shift. The urgency eases. The shame softens. You begin to realize you are not broken, behind, or bad. You are human. You adapted. You survived.

Motivation Can Come from Care

You can be kind to yourself and still be accountable. You can make changes without punishing yourself into them. When you relate to yourself differently, motivation shifts. It starts to come from something sturdier. Something that does not burn you out in the process.

You deserve that kind of relationship with yourself.

Thanks for reading.
My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor, practicing under supervision at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy rooted in insight, self-compassion, and a deep respect for your lived experience. If this kind of work speaks to you, you can book a session with me here.

After the Degree: Finding Yourself Without a Road Map

You couldn’t wait to be an adult. Freedom, making money, and no more homework sounded like a dream. Instead, that dream has turned into a nightmare, with Indeed, Zillow, and AI keeping you up at night.

Your first 21 years of life were laid out for you: do well enough in school, advance each year, and eventually earn your college degree. All your friends were on the same path, following the same expectations and guidelines.

Now, things are different. You feel lost, confused, and alone. You’re tired of older family members giving advice that doesn’t apply in today’s world. And scrolling through social media only makes it worse, your friends look like they’re “killing it,” while you feel stuck.

What you’re experiencing has a name. Some call it post-grad depression. Many recent graduates describe feeling lost, uncertain about their identity, anxious about the future, or isolated as they step into the job market.

The degree you were told would guarantee a job didn’t deliver. The clarity and purpose you expected after graduation feel like a foreign concept. And the financial stability you imagined? Nowhere to be found.

So how do you move forward? Let’s explore some ways to thrive in this season.

1. Understand That You’re Not Alone

You’re in good company. Over half of recent college graduates are under- or unemployed a year after graduation. In fact:

• 53% of 18–25-year-olds live at home (Fry et al., 2020).

• 61% of adult children receive financial help with housing from parents (Gillespie, 2024).

This transition is disorienting, but it’s also normal. Identity confusion after graduation, and throughout your 20s, is a rite of passage.

2. Focus on Improvement

Graduation resets the playing field. It may feel discouraging, but it’s also an opportunity. This is the perfect time to invest in yourself:

• Improve your physical health.

• Earn a certification.

• Learn a new skill you’ve been putting off.

These small steps build confidence and momentum. Later in life, you won’t have the same freedom to reset, so use this season wisely.

3. Play Your Game

After college, there are no right answers. Life isn’t about grades anymore. Everyone is playing a different game:

• You might be playing Chess.

• Your friend is playing Monopoly.

• Another friend is playing Poker.

So why compare? Your 20s are for experimenting, gaining experience, and discovering which “game” you want to play.

4. Be Useful

Feeling lost doesn’t mean you can’t help others. Volunteering, contributing to your community, or supporting causes you care about can give you a sense of purpose.

Helping others also releases the same “feel-good” chemicals as exercising, laughing, or being creative. Endorphins > Dopamine.

5. Control What You Can Control

Set small, achievable goals that depend only on you:

• Wake up at a certain time.

• Apply for 5 jobs a day.

• Spend 10 minutes learning something new.

Avoid goals that rely on outside circumstances (like “I’ll get a job by X date”). Building confidence comes from keeping the promises you make to yourself.

6. Own Your Story

Two people can be in the same situation, unemployed, living at home, broke, but tell very different stories.

• Person A: “My life sucks.”

• Person B: “This is the tough chapter that makes my success story worth telling.”

You can’t always control circumstances, but you can control the story you tell yourself. You hold the pen.

Final Thoughts

Graduation doesn’t come with a road map. But this season of uncertainty isn’t wasted time, it’s the messy, meaningful part of your story where resilience, identity, and purpose are forged.

If you’re struggling to navigate life after graduation, you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can help you find clarity, build confidence, and create a life that feels meaningful on your own terms.

👉 Struggling to navigate life in your 20s? Reach out today to schedule a consultation with me, Will Tucker, MHCI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/WilliamT

William’s style is direct, relational, and grounded in real-world experience, blending person-centered, CBT, narrative, and existential approaches. He connects deeply with teens, young men, couples and individuals navigating life transitions, identity, and relationships—helping clients clarify values, shift unhelpful self-talk and create meaningful change through honest conversations, clear goals and steady progress toward lasting growth and confidence. As a college baseball coach, he helps men of all ages.

References:

• Fry, R., Passel, J. S., & Cohn, D. (2020). A majority of young adults in the U.S. live with their parents for the first time since the Great Depression. Pew Research Center.

• Gillespie, L. (2024). Survey: 61% of parents with adult children have sacrificed to help their kids financially. Bankrate.

What Are Exiled Parts? Healing the Hidden Parts of Yourself with IFS Therapy in Tampa

Why Listening to Your Inner World is Essential for Emotional Healing

Many people seeking therapy in Tampa or anywhere in Florida share a common experience: feeling weighed down by emotions or memories they can’t quite explain. These hidden pieces, parts of ourselves that hold deep pain, shame, anger, or grief, are often pushed away so we can function in daily life.

In the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy model, these hidden pieces are called exiled parts. Even if you’ve never heard that term, you’ve probably felt their presence:

• A heaviness you can’t put into words

• Anxiety or panic that seems to come from nowhere

• Numbness when you wish you could feel

• Harsh self-criticism that just won’t quiet down

Why Do We Push Away These Parts?

From both an IFS and psychodynamic therapy perspective, we develop protective strategies early in life to feel safe. This might mean hiding emotions like sadness, fear, or need if they once brought disapproval or rejection.

Maybe you were told:

• Don’t cry.

• Don’t be so sensitive.

• Don’t need so much.

The emotions didn’t disappear, they went underground. These exiles often resurface later when a present-day situation triggers old wounds, being left out, feeling unheard, or experiencing a loss of connection. The reaction may feel “too big,” but it makes perfect sense when we realize it’s not just about now, it’s also about then.

How IFS Therapy Helps

One of the most healing shifts we can make in therapy is to stop asking “How do I get rid of this feeling?” and start asking “What is this part of me trying to tell me?”

In Internal Family Systems counseling, we learn to:

• Listen to exiled parts without judgment

• Understand the protective role they play

• Offer compassion instead of shame

• Create space for these parts to unburden and heal

Psychodynamic therapy and IFS counseling both recognize that anxiety, depression, and emotional shutdown are not random symptoms, they’re messages. Instead of silencing them, we get curious:

• Who is this part protecting?

• What does it remember?

• What does it need from me now?

What Healing Can Look Like

Healing is not about erasing your past—it’s about meeting yourself differently in the present. By relating to these hidden parts with compassion, we replace avoidance with presence and self-criticism with understanding.

At South Tampa Therapy, we use a warm, collaborative approach that integrates IFS therapy, psychodynamic counseling, and mindfulness-based tools to help you:

• Build self-awareness

• Heal unresolved wounds

• Improve emotional regulation

• Feel more connected and whole

About Me
I’m Amber, I offer insight-oriented therapy for individuals who want to explore their inner world, release old burdens, and create lasting change.

If this approach resonates with you, I’d be honored to walk with you on your healing journey.
Book a session today and take the first step toward meeting all the parts of yourself with compassion.

When You Don’t Know Who You Are: The Lingering Effects of Emotional Neglect

Some people come to therapy not because something happened, but because something didn’t. There may be no major traumas or dramatic stories to tell, yet there’s still a quiet, persistent sense of confusion, emptiness, or disconnection.

Clients often describe it like this:

• “I don’t really know who I am.”

• “I can’t tell what I want or feel.”

• “I’m good at being what others need, but I don’t know what I need.”

From a psychodynamic perspective, this kind of disconnection often traces back to childhood emotional neglect—not the loud kind of harm, but the kind that happens through absence.

What Is Emotional Neglect?

Emotional neglect isn’t always obvious. It can happen in families that seem loving, stable, and functional on the surface. What’s often missing, though, is emotional presence, someone who notices your inner world, helps you name your feelings, and stays attuned to what’s going on inside you.

When that attunement is absent, children adapt by tuning out their own needs. They may stop expressing emotions, learn not to ask for support, or even lose touch with what they feel, not out of weakness, but as a way to survive in an environment that didn’t reflect their emotional experience.

How Emotional Neglect Affects Identity

Our sense of self is shaped through relationships, especially those where we are seen, mirrored, and emotionally understood. When a caregiver is emotionally present, they help a child build language for their inner world. Over time, that becomes a foundation for knowing who we are.

But if no one helped you reflect on your feelings or made space for your emotional life, it can be hard to develop a clear inner compass. As adults, people who’ve experienced emotional neglect may:

• Struggle to name what they want or feel

• Default to pleasing others

• Feel emotionally flat or uncertain

• Worry there’s nothing authentic underneath the surface

These are not signs of failure. They’re signs of adaptation of surviving a childhood where your emotions weren’t seen or supported.

How Therapy Can Help

Psychodynamic therapy doesn’t just address symptoms, it explores your inner world: how it formed, what roles you learned to play, and which parts of you were silenced along the way.

Together, we ask:

• What emotional messages did you absorb growing up?

• What did you come to believe about feelings, needs, or asking for help?

• What was expected of you—and what parts of you felt off-limits?

Slowly, we begin to make contact with the parts of you that went quiet. Through the therapy relationship itself, you begin to have a new experience—where your emotions are not too much, and your inner life is met with curiosity instead of silence.

Reclaiming the Self

Healing from emotional neglect means learning to turn inward again, even when that feels uncertain or unfamiliar. It’s about building a stronger connection to yourself through compassion, presence, and real emotional attunement.

You are not empty. You adapted.
And the parts of you that had to go underground?
They’re still here—waiting to be seen.

Thanks for reading.
My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor in training, practicing under supervision at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy grounded in insight, self-compassion, and deep respect for your lived experience.

If this kind of work speaks to you, I invite you to book a session with me here

What It Means to Make the Unconscious Conscious

One of the most well-known ideas in psychodynamic therapy is the phrase “making the unconscious

conscious.” But what does that actually mean?

It doesn’t mean uncovering buried secrets or analyzing every dream. It’s about gently shining a light on the parts

of ourselves that we may not fully see—the emotional habits, fears, assumptions, and patterns we repeat

without quite knowing why.

These unconscious patterns are often the root of what brings people to therapy.

What Is the Unconscious?

The unconscious isn’t some mysterious or separate part of the mind. It’s simply made up of the thoughts,

feelings, memories, and emotional experiences we’ve pushed out of awareness—usually because they were

painful, confusing, or overwhelming at the time.

These experiences still live in us. They can shape how we respond to others, how we protect ourselves, how we

feel in relationships, and how we interpret the world. We may not always realize it, but the past can quietly

influence our present in ways that feel automatic or puzzling.

How Unconscious Patterns Show Up

You might notice yourself reacting strongly to a partner or withdrawing when you feel criticized. You might

constantly doubt yourself or sabotage things that are going well. You may feel stuck in patterns you don’t fully

understand.

These moments often have roots in earlier experiences. We may be repeating a familiar emotional script—one

that once helped us cope but no longer serves us.

Therapy as a Process of Discovery

Psychodynamic therapy helps us notice these patterns with curiosity, not judgment. The therapist and client

explore together—paying attention to recurring themes, emotional triggers, and relational dynamics that unfold

both inside and outside the therapy room.

As these unconscious patterns come into awareness, they begin to loosen. What was once automatic becomes

something we can feel, think about, and respond to with more choice and clarity.

Why This Matters

Making the unconscious conscious allows us to step out of survival mode and into a deeper, more authentic

relationship with ourselves. It helps us stop living in reaction to old wounds and begin creating new, more

flexible ways of being.

Insight on its own isn’t everything. But when we pair it with compassion, safety, and emotional connection, it

can be truly transformative.

Thanks for reading.

My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor in training, practicing under supervision

at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy rooted in insight, self-

compassion, and a deep respect for your lived experience. If this kind of work speaks to you, you can book a

session with me here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Amber

From Blame to Collaboration: Shifting the Way You Solve Problems Together

Why Blame Doesn’t Work—And What to Do Instead

When couples face stress—whether it's financial strain, parenting challenges, or emotional disconnection—it’s easy for communication to fall into the blame trap:

“You never help.”
“You always shut down.”
“If you just did what I asked…”

While these statements may offer momentary relief, they tend to create defensiveness, distance, and disconnection over time. Blame erodes trust. It positions one partner as the problem and the other as the judge.

But what if the problem isn’t your partner?
What if it’s the way you’re solving problems together?

Couples don’t thrive by avoiding challenges—they grow stronger when they learn to collaborate. By shifting from blame to partnership, you and your partner can break old cycles and start building something new.

What Is Externalizing the Problem?

In Narrative Therapy, we use a process called externalizing the problem. Instead of:

• “You’re lazy.”

• “You’re too emotional.”

• “You’re impossible to talk to.”

We ask:

• “How is stress affecting how we communicate?”

• “What does overwhelm do to our connection?”

• “How is this pattern getting in the way of us working together?”

The problem becomes something you face together rather than something one of you is doing to the other. This subtle but powerful shift can turn conflict into collaboration.

3 Tools for Team-Based Problem Solving

Gottman-Informed Strategies That Work

The Gottman Method offers evidence-based techniques to help couples communicate more effectively, manage conflict, and strengthen connection.

1. “Us vs. It” — Reframe the Problem

Instead of “you vs. me,” say:

“I think we’re getting stuck in miscommunication. Can we figure out how to understand each other better?”

This invites teamwork rather than defensiveness.

2. Explore the “Dreams Within Conflict”

Underneath most disagreements are deeper needs like autonomy, respect, security, or adventure. Ask:

• “What does this really represent for you?”

• “Is there a value or belief beneath your stance?”

• “How can we honor both perspectives?”

Understanding these core needs fosters empathy and opens the door to true compromise.

3. Have a Stress-Reducing Conversation

Before problem-solving, reconnect emotionally. Try:

• “What’s been weighing on you lately?”

• “How can I support you this week?”

Couples who feel emotionally connected handle conflict with more care and resilience.

Focus on What Works

Inspired by Solution-Oriented Therapy

Rather than analyzing every misstep, look at what’s going right. Ask:

• “When have we handled this better before?”

• “What’s one small thing we could try differently?”

• “What do we want instead of this?”

This helps shift the focus from past mistakes to future success.

Mindset Shifts That Support Collaboration

To move from conflict to cooperation, consider these reframes:

1. From “Fixing You” → “Helping Us”

Your partner isn’t a project to fix—they’re a person to partner with.

2. From “Win/Lose” → “Win/Win”

A strong solution meets both people’s needs—not just one.

3. From “Perfect Outcome” → “Better Process”

You don’t have to get it right every time. Collaboration means learning together.

When to Get Help

If every conversation turns into a fight…
If you're walking on eggshells…
If you feel like you’re talking past each other…

It might be time to bring in a couples therapist.

As a trained Gottman and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) clinician, I can help you:

• Slow down difficult conversations

• Identify patterns that keep you stuck

• Rebuild emotional safety

• Practice new ways of relating

You don’t have to do this alone—and you don’t have to keep fighting the same battles.

You’re on the Same Team

Blame makes enemies. Collaboration builds partners.
When you shift from me vs. you to us vs. the issue, everything begins to change.

You stop cycling in frustration—and start moving forward. Together.

Want Support Navigating Conflict in Your Relationship?

At South Tampa Therapy, we help couples just like you learn how to communicate, collaborate, and reconnect—without blame, shame, or scorekeeping.

📍 Virtual and In-Person Couples Counseling in Florida
💬 Book your consultation https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Nichole

Why We Repeat Old Patterns in Relationships

Have you ever found yourself in a familiar emotional dynamic—feeling rejected, unseen, overly responsible, or

afraid of being too much—even when the people around you are different? It’s a common experience, and

psychodynamic therapy sees it not as a flaw, but as a clue.

We tend to repeat what we know. Not because we want to suffer, but because our emotional templates were

shaped early, and they quietly guide how we interpret and respond to others. These patterns can feel frustrating,

confusing, and hard to break—but they’re also meaningful, and they can be worked with.

Relationships as Emotional Blueprints

Our earliest relationships teach us what to expect from closeness. We learn how safe it is to depend on others,

how to manage disappointment or rejection, and how to regulate emotions with or without support. These

emotional lessons often happen beneath the surface.

As we grow up, we don’t leave those expectations behind. We carry them with us—into friendships, romantic

partnerships, even the therapy relationship. We might assume that we’ll be judged, abandoned, smothered, or

overlooked, even if no one has said or done anything yet.

Why We Repeat What Hurts

Sometimes we repeat painful patterns because they feel familiar. Other times, we unconsciously recreate

situations in the hope of mastering them—trying to get a different outcome this time. We may feel drawn to

certain types of people or dynamics, not realizing we’re revisiting an old emotional wound.

Psychodynamic therapy sees these repetitions not as failures, but as attempts to work something out. They’re

signals that a part of us is still seeking understanding, healing, or resolution.

The Role of the Therapy Relationship

One of the unique things about psychodynamic therapy is that it pays close attention to what happens in the

therapy relationship. That’s not because it’s about the therapist—it’s because the emotional patterns we carry

often show up there, too.

If someone fears rejection, they might hold back in therapy. If someone expects to be criticized, they may brace

for it without realizing. These moments are opportunities—not to analyze or correct, but to notice what’s

happening together. Over time, the therapy relationship can offer a new kind of experience: one where

emotional patterns can be explored, felt, and slowly transformed.

Breaking the Cycle with Compassion

Once we begin to see these patterns clearly, we can respond to them differently. We can start to recognize when

we’re caught in something old. We can pause, reflect, and make new choices.

Most importantly, we can bring compassion to the part of us that keeps repeating—not because it’s broken, but

because it learned to survive the best way it could.

Thanks for reading.

My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor in training, practicing under supervision

at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy rooted in insight, self-

compassion, and a deep respect for your lived experience. If this kind of work speaks to you, you can book a

session with me here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Amber

How Erikson’s Theory Helps Us Understand Ourselves~ At Every Age!

Growth doesn’t end when childhood does.

That’s one of the most powerful messages from Erik Erikson’s psychosocial theory of development. Unlike some models that focus only on early life, Erikson believed that every stage of life—infancy to late adulthood—presents us with meaningful emotional tasks. And these tasks continue to shape how we see ourselves and relate to others throughout our lives.

Whether you’re navigating identity in your 20s, intimacy in your 30s, or legacy in your 50s, Erikson’s work offers a helpful roadmap for understanding why certain questions keep surfacing—and what they’re asking of us now.

Life Stages as Emotional Milestones

Erikson outlined eight stages of development, each with a core question or “tension” between two emotional needs:

• Infancy: Trust vs. Mistrust
  Can I rely on others? Is the world safe?

• Early Childhood: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt
  Is it okay to be myself and make choices?

• Adolescence: Identity vs. Role Confusion
  Who am I? Where do I belong?

• Young Adulthood: Intimacy vs. Isolation
  Can I be close to someone without losing myself?

• Middle Adulthood: Generativity vs. Stagnation
  Am I making a meaningful impact?

• Older Adulthood: Integrity vs. Despair
  Did my life matter? Can I accept the journey I’ve lived?

Each stage builds on the one before it. If trust was hard to form early in life, it might ripple into struggles with intimacy or identity later on. But the beauty of Erikson’s model is that it’s never too late to revisit, repair, or explore a developmental task in a new light.

Why This Matters in Therapy

Most people don’t walk into therapy saying, “I’m stuck in the autonomy stage.” But they do say things like:

• “I have a hard time setting boundaries.”

• “I feel like I’ve lost myself in this relationship.”

• “I don’t know what my purpose is anymore.”

These are echoes of emotional tasks we may not have fully completed. In psychodynamic therapy, we don’t just look at behavior—we explore the why beneath it. What emotional needs weren’t met? What patterns are still playing out? What internal questions are still unresolved?

When we understand where these struggles come from, we can stop judging ourselves—and start healing.

You’re Not Behind—You’re Human

Erikson’s stages aren’t a checklist. They’re not a race. Life events like loss, trauma, illness, caregiving, or major transitions can pull us back into emotional territory we thought we’d left behind.

A betrayal might resurface old trust wounds. A divorce might trigger identity confusion. A career change might lead to questions about meaning and legacy. This isn’t regression—it’s being alive.

Therapy can help you re-engage with these stages, not by “fixing” the past, but by creating space to grow in the present.

Growth Is Ongoing—and So Are You

Erikson’s theory reminds us that we are always becoming. Even in adulthood, we’re not finished. We’re still growing, integrating, and shaping who we are. And if you’re struggling with a particular theme—identity, connection, trust, purpose—it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re in the middle of something meaningful.

And that’s where therapy can help.

Thanks for reading.

I’m Amber, a Master’s-level counselor here at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy that honors your story, your complexity, and your capacity for healing—no matter what stage of life you’re in. If this work resonates with you, I’d love to connect.

👉 Book a session with me here. https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Amber

What Psychodynamic Therapy Understands About Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is one of the most emotionally complex—and misunderstood—diagnoses in the mental health world.

Too often, people with this label are reduced to words like "too much," "too emotional," or "too difficult." Many have had painful experiences with therapists or medical providers who treated them as fragile, dramatic, or even manipulative.

But psychodynamic therapy offers a much different lens.

It doesn’t ask: “What’s wrong with you?”

It asks:

• What happened to you?

• What did you have to survive?

• What didn’t you receive that every human being deserves—like consistency, safety, and love?

From this perspective, BPD isn’t a character flaw or life sentence—it’s a pattern of coping that developed in response to very real emotional pain.

A Diagnosis Is a Clue—Not a Conclusion

Psychodynamic therapy doesn’t see BPD as a “disorder to fix,” but as a relational wound—a set of deeply rooted survival strategies that formed early in life.

These patterns might look like:

• Intense fears of abandonment

• Difficulty regulating emotions

• Feeling empty or unsure of who you are

• Rapid shifts in how you feel about others (and yourself)

• A desperate longing for connection that coexists with fear of being hurt

In this framework, these aren’t “symptoms” to pathologize. They’re clues. They tell a story of unmet needs, emotional overwhelm, and relationships that felt unpredictable or unsafe.

The Roots Are Relational

Many people who relate to a BPD diagnosis grew up with inconsistent, critical, or emotionally unavailable caregivers. Sometimes love came with conditions. Sometimes it was there, and then gone. Sometimes you had to become hyper-attuned just to survive the emotional atmosphere around you.

When secure attachment isn’t there, the developing self doesn’t have a solid foundation. The result? A sense of self that feels unstable, an internal world that can be hard to soothe, and a deep fear that people will eventually leave.

Psychodynamic therapy views these patterns not as defects—but as creative adaptations to emotional environments that were never quite safe enough.

What Healing Can Look Like

Healing doesn’t happen by snapping out of behaviors or “thinking differently.” It happens through relationship—one that is safe, steady, and emotionally attuned.

In psychodynamic therapy, the therapeutic relationship itself becomes part of the healing. It’s a space where:

• Your feelings are welcomed and explored, not judged.

• Your patterns are understood in context, not criticized.

• Your past is held with compassion—and your present with curiosity.

The therapist doesn’t just interpret—they stay. They reflect. They gently help you make sense of your emotional world, even when it feels chaotic or shameful. Over time, this process builds emotional regulation, a stronger sense of self, and a new model for what safe connection can feel like.

Beyond the BPD Label

The label “Borderline Personality Disorder” can feel heavy—like a verdict. But in psychodynamic therapy, it’s never the end of the story. It’s just the beginning of an inquiry:

• What am I protecting myself from?

• What have I learned to expect in love—and is there another way?

• What would it feel like to be truly seen and not rejected for it?

These are the questions that invite healing. They help people move from shame to understanding, from fragmentation to wholeness.

Thanks for reading.
My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor in training at Northwestern University, practicing under supervision at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy rooted in curiosity, compassion, and respect for your lived experience. If this resonates with you, I’d be honored to support your journey.

👉 Click here to book a session with me. https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Amber

When One of You Grows and the Other Doesn’t

How to Navigate Change in a Relationship Without Growing Apart

Growth is beautiful—and sometimes scary.
In every long-term relationship, change is inevitable. Maybe one of you starts therapy, shifts careers, deepens your spirituality, or begins setting long-overdue boundaries. Meanwhile, the other partner may feel confused, overwhelmed, or left behind.

Suddenly, what once felt steady begins to wobble.
Disconnection creeps in. Conversations feel harder. The intimacy feels less certain.

So what happens when one partner is growing and the other isn’t?

The Truth About Growing Together

Popular advice says couples should grow together. But in reality, personal growth rarely unfolds at the same pace. One partner may be in a season of healing, discovery, or expansion—while the other is focused on stability, survival, or simply staying afloat.

And that’s not a failure.
It’s part of the natural ebb and flow of long-term relationships.

Tension arises when:

• Growth is judged as “selfish” or “too much”

• Change is misunderstood as “leaving the other behind”

• One partner feels abandoned while the other feels stifled

Navigating these moments with honesty, mutual respect, and curiosity is the key to staying connected.

Deconstructing the “Outgrowing” Narrative

One of the most painful thoughts partners have is:

“I think I’m outgrowing them.”

While this might feel true, Narrative Therapy invites us to examine the story more closely.

Instead of making the relationship a binary of grow-or-go, ask:

• What’s actually changing in me?

• What am I afraid this change will mean for us?

• Is there a way to include my partner in my growth instead of pushing them away?

Often, it’s not about outgrowing each other—it’s about growing differently. And different doesn’t have to mean divided.

The Unconscious Pull Toward Growth

In Imago Relationship Therapy, partners are seen as mirrors and catalysts for one another’s healing. The things that frustrate us in our partner often reflect the very areas we’re being called to grow.

Ask yourself:

• What is my partner’s growth awakening in me?

• Am I resisting this change because it feels unfamiliar—or threatening?

• What unfinished emotional work might be surfacing for me?

Instead of reacting in fear, we can respond with compassion. One person’s growth can be an invitation—not a rejection.

Normalize the Discomfort

It’s common to feel:

• Insecure: “They don’t need me anymore.”

• Judged: “They think they’re better than me.”

• Abandoned: “They’re moving forward without me.”

Instead of suppressing or acting out these fears, name them:

“I support you, but I feel scared too.”
“I’m happy for you, and I’m also trying to understand what this means for us.”

Naming vulnerability builds intimacy. It turns defensiveness into dialogue.

What’s Working? What’s Possible?

Instead of fixating on the changes, solution-oriented therapy invites us to ask:

• What still feels good between us?

• Are we still laughing, supporting, showing up?

• Are we both still committed—even if we express it differently?

Then explore the possibilities:

• Can we learn about each other’s evolving interests?

• Can we make space for individuality and shared connection?

• Can this change actually bring us closer?

How to Create a Growth-Friendly Relationship Culture

Whether you're the one growing or the one adjusting, here are a few principles that help:

1. Ask Instead of Assume

Instead of guessing what your partner thinks, feels, or wants—ask. Be curious, not critical.

2. Celebrate, Don’t Compete

Your partner’s growth isn’t a threat. It’s not a race. Cheer each other on.

3. Update Your Shared Vision

Your goals as a couple may need a refresh. Check in regularly:

“What are we working toward now, together?”

When You're the One Who's Growing

You may feel proud of your progress—and also guilty or lonely.
Invite your partner into the why behind your change. Let them see the fears, hopes, and values underneath it. This helps them feel included, not replaced.

When You’re Feeling Left Behind

It’s easy to feel defensive or shut down. But try to stay emotionally open.
Ask yourself:

• What is this bringing up in me?

• What might I be afraid of losing?

• Is there something I want to explore in my own life?

You don’t have to “catch up.” You just have to stay connected.

Growth Can Strengthen Love—If You Let It

Growth doesn’t have to pull you apart.
In fact, it might be the very thing that deepens your connection.

That might look like:

• One partner exploring spirituality while the other offers support

• One going to therapy while the other reads books to understand better

• Weekly check-ins about what you’re each learning individually and together

The goal isn’t identical evolution—it’s mutual respect and emotional presence.

When to Seek Help

Couples therapy can help if:

• Conversations about change keep turning into conflict

• You feel threatened or resentful about your partner’s growth

• You’re unsure how to stay connected through this shift

• You want to grow together—but feel stuck or scared

Therapy offers a safe space to explore your fears, realign your values, and strengthen your bond.

Growing Together, Differently

Change can feel risky.
It can stir up old wounds, fears, and insecurities. But it can also be the thing that renews your relationship.

You’re allowed to change.
Your partner is allowed to change.
And your relationship can evolve to hold both truths—if you keep showing up with empathy, honesty, and curiosity.

🌀 Interested in navigating change more intentionally in your relationship?
At South Tampa Therapy, we specialize in Gottman Method, EFT, and Narrative Therapy approaches to help couples reconnect, communicate, and grow—together or individually.

📍 In-person & virtual couples therapy available statewide across Florida
💬 Book a session

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Nichole

Why We Use Defense Mechanisms (And Why They’re Not a Bad Thing)

Have you ever noticed yourself cracking a joke when things get serious? Or brushing off a painful experience with, “It wasn’t that big of a deal”? These subtle patterns might not seem like much, but they’re actually doing something important.

They’re protecting you.

In psychodynamic therapy, we call these kinds of responses defense mechanisms—and despite how that might sound, they’re not bad, immature, or wrong. They’re creative, adaptive strategies we develop to cope with stress, pain, and overwhelming emotions. Most of the time, they happen without us even realizing it.

Let’s take a closer look at what defenses really are—and why they deserve our compassion, not our judgment.

What Are Defense Mechanisms?

Defense mechanisms are unconscious ways we protect ourselves from emotional discomfort, internal conflict, or painful memories. They show up as patterns of thinking, behaving, or relating that helped us get through tough moments—especially when we were young and didn’t have better tools yet.

Some are easy to spot. Others are so woven into our daily lives that we hardly recognize them.

Common Defenses You Might Recognize:

• Intellectualizing – staying in your head to avoid feeling what's in your heart

• Minimizing – “It’s fine, I’m fine,” even when it’s really not

• People-pleasing – taking care of others to avoid rejection or conflict

• Sarcasm or humor – using wit to dodge emotional vulnerability

• Withdrawal – shutting down or pulling away when you feel hurt

• Perfectionism – striving for control to avoid shame or failure

These aren’t random habits. They’re protections. And at one point, they worked.

Why We Develop Defenses in the First Place

Most defenses begin in childhood, when we’re still figuring out how to handle big emotions in a world that may not feel safe or validating. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed or your needs were unmet, you learned to adapt.

• A child who felt emotionally unsafe might grow into an adult who avoids closeness.

• A child who feared rejection might become someone who over-gives or self-sacrifices.

• A child who was often blamed might develop a harsh inner critic to stay “one step ahead” of judgment.

This is your nervous system’s way of protecting you. Not dysfunction—survival.

What Therapy Offers

In therapy, we don’t rush to tear down defenses. We get curious about them.

We ask:

What is this defense trying to protect?
When did I first learn to use it?
What might it feel like to lower this guard—just a little?

As we create a space of emotional safety and trust, defenses start to soften—not because we force them away, but because we no longer need them in the same way.

Over time, that allows for more freedom, more authenticity, and a deeper sense of connection—with yourself and others.

Learning to Hold Defenses with Compassion

It’s so easy to beat ourselves up for the very strategies that helped us survive. But self-judgment only keeps us stuck in shame. What we really need is self-compassion and a sense of context.

You weren’t weak for developing defenses. You were wise.

Now, with more support and insight, you get to choose which defenses still serve you—and which ones you’re ready to thank and release.

Ready to Explore This Kind of Work?

Hi, I’m Amber, a Master’s-level counselor at South Tampa Therapy. I specialize in warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy that honors your lived experience and helps you gently explore the “why” behind your patterns—with compassion, not criticism.

If this kind of inner work speaks to you, I’d love to connect.

👉 Book a session with me here.

South Tampa Therapy | Psychodynamic Counseling • Relational Insight • Self-Compassion