Holding Space for Others

What Does it Mean to ‘Hold Space’ for Someone Else?

It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. We don’t want to change the way a person feels. We want to understand how they feel and communicate our understanding. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.

Sometimes we find ourselves holding space for people while they hold space for others. It’s virtually impossible to be a strong space holder unless we have others who will hold space for us. Even the strongest therapists, leaders, coaches, nurses, etc., need to know that there are some people with whom they can be vulnerable and weak without fear of being judged.

In my own roles as therapist, agile learning facilitator, co-founder, supervisor, mother, partner, daughter, sister, and friend, etc., I do my best to hold space for other people. It’s not always easy because I have a very human tendency to want to help/ fix people, give them advice, or encourage them for not being further along the path than they are, but I keep trying because I know that it’s important. At the same time, there are people in my life that I trust and they understand what it means to hold space for me including my partner, colleagues, ALC co-facilitators, interns, friends, and family.

To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for). We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes.

Holding space is not something that’s exclusive to therapists, facilitators, coaches, or palliative care nurses. It is something that ALL of us can do for each other–for our partners, children, friends, neighbors, and even strangers who strike up conversations as we’re living daily life.

What I Learned about Holding Space for Others

Here are the lessons I’ve learned from my experiences and from others who have held space for me.

Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom. 

Give people only as much information as they can handle. 

Don’t take their power away–empower them instead. When we take decision-making power out of people’s hands, we leave them feeling useless and incompetent. There may be some times when we need to step in and make hard decisions for other people (ie. when they’re dealing with an addiction and an intervention feels like the only thing that will save them), but in almost every other case, people need the autonomy to make their own choices (even our children). It is important that my clients and others feel empowered in making decisions, and so I offer support but never try to directly pressure or control.

Try to keep your own ego out of it. This is a big one. We all get caught in that trap now and then–when we begin to believe that someone else’s success is dependent on our intervention, or when we think that their failure reflects poorly on us, or when we’re convinced that whatever emotions they choose to unload on us are about us instead of them. It’s a trap I’ve occasionally found myself slipping into when I counsel or teach at the ALC. I can become more concerned about my own success (Do the students or my clients like me? Do their marks or progress reflect on my ability to teach or counsel? Etc.) than about the success of my students or clients. But that doesn’t serve anyone–not even me. To truly support their growth, I need to keep my ego out of it and create the space where they have the opportunity to grow and learn.

Make them feel safe enough to fail. When people are learning, growing, or going through grief or transition, they are bound to make some mistakes along the way. When we, as their space holders, withhold judgement and shame, we offer them the opportunity to reach inside themselves to find the courage to take risks and the resilience to keep going even when they fail. When we let them know that failure is simply a part of the journey and not the end of the world, they’ll spend less time beating themselves up for it and more time learning from their mistakes. Self-empathy and self-compassion are tremendous assets to our lives.

Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness. A wise space holder knows when to withhold guidance (ie. when it makes a person feel foolish and inadequate) and when to offer it gently (ie. when a person asks for it or is too lost to know what to ask for). This is a careful dance that we all must do when we hold space for other people. Recognizing the areas in which they feel most vulnerable and incapable and offering the right kind of help without shaming them takes practice and humility.

Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. When people feel that they are held in a deeper way than they are used to, they feel safe enough to allow complex emotions to surface that might normally remain hidden. Someone who is practiced at holding space knows that this can happen and will be prepared to hold it in a gentle, supportive, and nonjudgmental way.

The space is where people feel safe enough to fall apart without fearing that this will leave them permanently broken or that they will be shamed by others in the room. Someone is always there to offer strength and courage. This is not easy work, and it is work that I continue to learn about as I host increasingly more challenging conversations. We cannot do it if we are overly emotional ourselves, if we haven’t done the hard work of looking into our own shadow, or if we don’t trust the people we are holding space for.

Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. Holding space is about respecting each person’s differences and recognizing that those differences may lead to them making choices that we would not make. Sometimes, for example, they make choices based on cultural norms that we can’t understand from within our own experience. When we hold space, we release control and we honor differences.

Holding space is not something that we can master overnight, or that can be adequately addressed in a list of tips like the ones I’ve just offered. It’s a complex practice that evolves as we practice it, and it is unique to each person and each situation.

Holding space means to be with someone without judgment. To donate your ears and heart without wanting anything back. To practice empathy and compassion. To accept someone’s truth, no matter what they are. To allow and accept. Embrace with two hands instead of pointing with one finger. To come in neutral. Open. For them. Not you. Holding space means to put your needs and opinions aside and allow someone to just be. Her. Self! XxOo :)