Manage Conflict: The Art of Compromise & Why You Need To Accept Your Partner's Core Needs

We’ve all been in the middle of an argument that we know we cannot win, understanding that our frustration has overwhelmed all sense of perspective. Spent and shattered, we would do well to remember the old saying: “It is better to bend than to break!” And this is just what Dr. Gottman’s countless research studies have shown.

When you are caught in the heat of an argument, you are in a state of crisis, which is defined as “a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger” from the Greek krisis. In times where you experience crisis, what you yearn for most of all is to feel safe. If you do not feel safe (emotionally or physically), there is no way for you to reach a state of compromise with your partner.

Dr. Gottman’s further findings may not seem so intuitive: If your goal is to reach a state of compromise, you must first focus on yourself. Define your core needs in the area of your problems, do not relinquish anything that you feel is absolutely essential, and understand that you must be willing to accept influence.

His advice, based on more than four decades years of research, is the following:

Remember, you can only be influential if you accept influence. Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something. The important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams.

If you feel like this is an incredibly tall order, you are not alone. Luckily, the following exercise may be of comfort. Featured in the couples workshop that Dr. Gottman presents with his wife and collaborator, Dr. Julie Gottman, this exercise will help you and your partner to make headway into the perpetually gridlocked problems you face in your relationship. We hope that it will provide welcome relief in this critical first step towards easing the many stresses of conflict:

The Art of Compromise

Step 1: Consider an area of conflict in which you and your partner have been stuck in perpetual gridlock. Draw two ovals, one within the other. The one on the inside is yourInflexible Area, and the one on the outside is your Flexible Area.

Step 2: Think of the inside oval containing the ideas, needs, and values you absolutely cannot compromise on, and the outside oval containing the ideas, needs, and values that you feel more flexible with in this area. Make two lists.

Step 3: Discuss the following questions with your partner, in the way that feels most comfortable and natural for the two of you:

• Can you help me to understand why your “inflexible” needs or values are so important to you?

• What are your guiding feelings here?

• What feelings and goals do we have in common? How might these goals be accomplished?

• Help me to understand your flexible areas. Let’s see which ones we have in common.

• How can I help you to meet your core needs?

• What temporary compromise can we reach on this problem?

Designed as an activity for the two of you, this exercise should not be approached in the midst of a stressful discussion. It will be most helpful if undertaken in peacetime, perhaps in the evening or on a weekend. It should take you and your partner approximately thirty minutes. Remember, this activity is not a magical pill that the two of you can pop, causing your problems to disappear forever! It is the beginning of a series of what will likely prove to be long, honest, fruitful, and fulfilling discussions.

If this all still feels intimidating, don’t be discouraged. It probably means that this is important to you. And that is your greatest power – motivation to overcome these very real difficulties. In the words of Virginia Woolf, “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” The differences between us all are very real.

Remember, those of us who love someone have a real gift – having seen the unique beauty of the one we love, in all of its strengths and weaknesses, complexities and depths, we share the will to build bridges between our souls.

The first time contempt showed up in my marriage it was quiet, condescending, and it came from me.

I’d made plans with my friends and was calling my husband to wish him a good day when he asked, “When will I hear from you?”

That one question rattled every independent bone in my body.

What did he mean “When would I hear from you?” He was hearing from me now. I was going to be with my friends later. That was the whole point of me calling!

I wasn’t expecting to talk to him again until the following day.

“What do you mean we’re not talking until tomorrow?” he asked. “I thought since we aren’t seeing each other later, we’d be talking tonight.”

And that’s when I said it. “Really?”

I simply did not understand his notion of checking in, keeping in touch, or staying emotionally connected while apart. I was single for years before meeting him. I wasn’t used to staying in touch with someone and I didn’t see that as a reflection of how I felt about him.

I could be in love with him and still not need to talk to him multiple times per day.

However, that wasn’t his style. He needed to connect regularly.

Our core needs are not negotiable

Successful relationships come down to basic questions about our core needs:

• What do I need in a relationship in order to feel loved, happy, fulfilled, and secure?

• What do you need in a relationship to feel the same?

• Are you willing to meet my needs in this relationship?

• Am I willing to meet yours?

If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.

It didn’t matter whether or not my husband’s need for regular connection challenged my sense of independence. It didn’t matter whether or not I believed it to be a worthwhile need. It only mattered whether or not I was willing to give him what he needed.

If his needs challenged my own, if I couldn’t give him what he needed, or if I simply didn’t want to give him what he needed, I needed to take the door.

I loved him more than I cared about having to check in.

At the end of the day, I loved him more than I was challenged by regular connection. I was willing to meet his need in order for our relationship to succeed.

How our needs get met is negotiable

When I met my husband and we were first working this stuff out, I was working a crazy job with crazy hours. I couldn’t guarantee much in terms of regular or consist contact. However, I was able to say:

I love you. You are important to me. I understand you hate feeling like my busy schedule keeps me from thinking of you. I don’t want you to feel that way. I am going to keep in touch and I need you to understand there’s no way I can promise when, for how long, or how often I’ll be able to do so.

Here is the recipe for success:

• Communicate that you understand your partner’s need and why it’s important to them

• Reiterate why tending to this is important to you

• Be clear on your own boundaries and limits in meeting the need

• Communicate what your partner can expect from you going forward

• Check back with your partner that they understand your limits and are ok with them

This is taken from the Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint for managing conflict in committed relationships.

Lasting relationships require flexibility

Working together to meet each other’s needs is a dance that can create a meaningful and lasting relationship.

Successful relationships require a solid friendship, so it helps in the beginning when needs can be met consistently to build trust and security between partners.

When it comes to meeting needs, communication and compromise are a necessity.

While my job is lower key now and less demanding in many ways than when my husband and I first confronted this issue, I still need me time away from my partner.

Communication is crucial:

Babe, I know you like keeping in touch. I am having a “just get in my car and drive” kind of day. I need to clear my head and unplug from everything and everyone. I am heading out for a while but I will call once my head is clear and let you know when I’ll be back. Sound good?

The key here is to take your partner’s needs into account while expressing yours.

If you don’t communicate this, you run the risk of your partner thinking that you stopped caring, that their needs are only a priority when it’s convenient for you, or some other unintended message.

Sometimes, your needs will conflict with one another and you’re going to have to talk about it, negotiate it, and come to a compromise together.

Relationships thrive when needs are met and falter when they’re not. That fact, quite simply, is non-negotiable.