Unlock the Path to Repairing Your Relationship Through Proven Scientific Methods for Recovering from an Affair.
Navigating an affair is no easy feat. It requires immense courage and emotional openness from all parties involved. To this end, renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed the Trust Revival Method - a three-tiered process of Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment – that has been proven to help couples rebuild trust after infidelity in clinical trials.
Over the years, I have had a front-row seat to hundreds of couples improving their relationships through this method. Through my observations, I've gained invaluable insights into what makes for an effective treatment plan. To provide clarity, let’s use names: Jen and Sal are married, and Jen had an affair with Adam.
Seek couples therapy, not just individual counseling
Building trust back-up is essential for any couple looking to reconcile. However, if both spouses are ready and willing to repair their relationship then seeking help from a couples therapist can be immensely beneficial. Keeping secrets any longer would only make the healing process more difficult. Turning to individual therapy is not enough, we need to learn how to rebuild trust and foster healthy relationships. Even if Jen is talking about the love she had for Adam, it’s important that Sal regain his role as confidante, and it’s even more important that Jen be completely transparent about what happened.
Those who have been involved in an affair often struggle to open up about their difficulty letting go of the other partner with their spouse. The most critical factor here? For Sal to progress, he must earnestly accept and trust that Jen is committed to choosing him and their marriage.
Understand that the "truth" doesn't always unravel all at once; instead, it often takes time.
This is a hard situation to manage. Often, people who have been involved in an affair are reluctant to fully disclose the details at first—whether they've been caught or if they willingly confess. In this situation, Jen will be conflicted-- guilt-ridden and highly protective of both Sal's feelings and Adam.
Sal may be irritated by the latter reason; however, it is an integral part of the procedure. Despite Sal's desire to have the entire truth laid out in front of them, Jen may not be able to deliver it all at once. The "story" often comes about gradually over time. Don't forget, she has now promised to the marriage and is likely afraid of Sal's response. That "too much too soon" could backfire on her terribly. When this happens, it is easy for the wounded partner to feel that the deceit was intentional, which many people who have been betrayed find just as painful and difficult to move past as any sexual or emotional betrayal. The therapist must maneuver skillfully through the betrayer's complex layers of defense and guilt, while giving a safe space for the betrayed to express their grief, anger, and fear in response to hearing "the absolute truth." It is imperative that both parties feel respected throughout this journey. Within the Atonement stage, it is essential to maneuver through emotions such as fear, guilt, anger and embarrassment with caution and transparency. This experience can be likened to walking a delicate tightrope that calls for exceptional care.
The affair itself was not a result of issues in the relationship, it is critical to address issues for lasting change.
There is little doubt that Jen bears full responsibility for her decision to seek satisfaction outside of the marriage, yet it's important to remember that these types of situations do not occur in a vacuum. It must be acknowledged that this affair took place within the context of Jen and Sal's marital relationship.
Sal and Jen should strive to craft a new, invigorated connection where both can pledge anew and abandon the former relationship that was proving unsuccessful. To revive their marriage and create a better, healthier relationship, both partners need to acquire new skills and methods of communication. This is not about resetting the clock; it's about creating an entirely new journey -- Marriage #2!
If Jen only places blame on the marriage, that's a warning sign of marital troubles ahead. According to Gottman's teachings, if she was unable or unwilling to recognize the issues in her marriage, it would be comparable to being stuck with the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Similarly, if Sal refused to admit that there were any problems within his relationship, he too would remain entrenched in defensiveness and contempt - thus preventing any progress from occurring.
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, discussing the context of marriage should be done during the "Attunement" phase of treatment rather than in "Atonement." This can sound simpler than it actually is; I've found that clear boundaries are needed to ensure nothing within the marriage enticed betrayal--both topics may then be discussed separately. To help aid this process, keeping them separate from each other can work even better.
Structure is crucial to communication effectively about the affair
In her book "Not Just Friends," Dr. Shirley Glass explains that the betrayed partner in an affair can often display signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, with emotional stability immensely compromised and a feeling of security vanishing from the marriage entirely. As the betrayed journeys through their healing, it is essential to provide a structured sessions that can assist them in working through possible trauma symptoms like hypervigilance, nightmares and flashbacks at an appropriate pace.
For the betrayer, the process of healing and repentance needs to happen swiftly; for those who have been betrayed, it can feel like time stands still.
Jen's task is clear: she must break off her relationship with Adam and provide Sal whatever information he needs to begin healing. As a result, many people come armed with pages of inquiries in search of answers.
If Jen hesitates to openly share private details, such as cell phone or social media passwords, that could be a sign that the painful effects of the affair are still not fully comprehended. Or it may simply suggest that she has not yet taken full accountability for her actions. At this juncture, it is essential to focus on the betrayer and attempt to comprehend their resistance (whether stemming from issues pertaining to the affair or a different characteristic such as an issue with authority) in order for healing progress.
To ensure that both individuals have time to process their thoughts and feelings, it is best if the couple can abstain from discussing the affair out of therapy sessions. However, for those who cannot keep quiet about it until meeting with a therapist, we advise limiting topics related to the infidelity through scheduling specific times when they talk about it. To ensure that healing can take place and to de-escalate potential emotional explosions, both parties must be willing to commit to avoiding the four horsemen of communication during dialogue. By adhering to this structure, it not only helps prevent further pain but also allows for a sense of control over an already powerful affair.
Unsurprisingly, the affair will be continuously on your collective thoughts. However, it is essential to contain and compartmentalize that aspect of reality in order to keep looking ahead. Commence exploring new information as a tool for recommitment and reunion!
As Sal, and others in similar positions, may be tempted to search for every detail about the affair such as if Jen loved Adam or why she was attracted to him, this can further re-traumatize them according to Dr. Glass’ PTSD warnings; thus it is advisable that they are careful when seeking out intimate details of where the affair happened and what their sexual encounters were like. John & Julie Gottman would encourage Sal not become lost in those particulars. His inquisitiveness can become compulsive, seeking far too many details. However, failing to be well-informed on a matter may lead to future distress.
Sal pondered for what felt like an eternity, asking himself the question: "What do I really want out of this?" He soon realized that there was nothing else he could ask. Now content with not having any immediate answers to his questions and accepting that it was all right to remain in a state of uncertainty, Sal eventually gave himself permission to accept his current situation.
Realize the need for trust goes both ways
Jen doesn't want to think about the fact that, in 10 or 15 years' time, Sal might express his unforgiveness and resentment towards her affair by saying "I never really forgave you for that affair. I want a divorce." Alternatively, he may simply distance himself and act passive-aggressively without ever verbally expressing it.
That's very unfortunate. I have witnessed couples returning to me years after undergoing therapy for an affair, yet without having achieved the "Attachment" milestone that Drs. John and Julie Gottman recommend as a true state of reconciliation. The unforgiving spouse may appear outwardly docile but still holds resentment deep inside while their partner feels inexplicable loneliness due to the underlying distrust, fault-finding, or rage that remains unaddressed despite appearances suggesting all is well between them.
Sal should show Jen that their trust is growing by reassuring her in meaningful ways. He could say, “The thought of you being out of town last night caused me to want to text and ask for a picture, but then I realized that wasn't necessary anymore; it's clear our relationship has advanced beyond such inquiries."
Without being provided with the necessary information, Jen can feel discouraged and as if her efforts go unnoticed. To create a new connection that is even better than before, both need to comprehend and trust that they are devoted to staying together, determined to make this relationship work.
Recovering from an affair is a journey that will take time. Like all forms of grief, it can feel like both Jen and Sal are being taken on an emotional rollercoaster—one day you may think the incident occurred ages ago, while the next could bring about feelings that are more raw than ever before .Over time and with effort, you can develop essential skills for communicating about conflict, re-establishing trust within a relationship, reigniting physical/sexual intimacy in your partnership, and providing attention to how the issues have impacted children or other family members.
The possibilities of what affair recovery could look like are seemingly endless and often complex, but the good news is that it can absolutely be done. With dedication to creating a stronger partnership than before, you will find yourself in an even deeper relationship as opposed one just created by the affair. This doesn't mean your union won’t have its issues; rather, it means that with commitment from both partners these difficulties can become opportunities for growth and understanding.
Book with seasoned affair and trauma informed psychotherapist, Elizabeth Mahaney, to help you recover from infidelity! https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake
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