The Book~ Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection by Julie and John Gottman
The book Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection by Julie and John Gottman provides a rich foundation for teachable psychoeducation. Here are key points you can use with clients, broken into themes for easy integration into sessions:
1. Conflict Is Inevitable—and Healthy
Teach: Conflict isn’t a sign of a bad relationship—it’s a normal part of intimacy and growth. What matters is how you fight, not if you fight.
2. The Four Horsemen & Their Antidotes
These are signs of unhealthy conflict. Teaching the “antidotes” helps couples shift toward connection.
Criticism → Use Gentle Start-Up: Complain without blame using “I feel… about… and I need…”
Defensiveness → Take Responsibility: Even partial ownership can de-escalate conflict.
Contempt → Build Fondness & Admiration: Share appreciation regularly.
Stonewalling → Practice Self-Soothing: Take breaks when overwhelmed and return to the issue.
3. Emotional Flooding
Teach: When a person is flooded (heart rate over 100 BPM), they lose access to logic, empathy, and communication skills.
Tool: Use physiological self-soothing (e.g., 20-minute break, deep breathing) and check back in.
4. Bids for Connection
Teach: Many arguments are actually missed bids for connection—a fight over dishes might really be about feeling unappreciated.
Tool: Help clients track and respond positively to bids (e.g., “turning toward”).
5. The Power of Repair Attempts
Teach: The ability to make and accept repairs (even clumsy ones) is more important than never fighting.
Examples: Humor, a gentle touch, saying “I’m sorry,” or “Let’s start over.”
6. Make it Safe to Talk
Teach: You can’t connect unless both people feel safe. Emotional safety is the foundation for productive conflict.
Tool: Time-outs, respectful tone, agreements around fighting fair.
7. Don’t Try to Solve All Problems
Teach: 69% of problems are perpetual—they don’t get “solved,” but couples can dialogue about them with empathy.
Tool: Use open-ended questions and active listening to explore underlying dreams or values beneath the conflict.
8. The Importance of Rituals of Connection
Teach: Couples who prioritize connection outside of conflict have more resilience when conflict arises.
Tool: Daily check-ins, weekly rituals, shared meaning.
Here are specific Gottman-informed interventions based on Fight Right that you can use. These are ideal for teaching and practicing conflict skills and building emotional connection.
1. The Gentle Start-Up Intervention
Purpose: Replace criticism with a soft, effective opening to conflict.
Intervention:
Teach the “I feel… about… and I need…” formula.
Role-play a current conflict using gentle start-up.
Homework: Each partner practices 3 gentle start-ups during the week and reflects.
Example Prompt:
“I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is messy after work. I need some help with tidying up in the evenings.”
2. Four Horsemen Self-Assessment & Antidote Practice
Purpose: Increase awareness of destructive communication patterns and apply their antidotes.
Intervention:
Have each partner identify which Horsemen they use most often.
Introduce the antidotes and have them role-play replacements.
Create an “Antidote Action Plan” together.
Example:
Criticism → Gentle Start-Up
Contempt → Appreciation Journal (each writes one appreciation daily for a week)
3. Conflict Recovery Checklist
Purpose: Provide a structured way to repair and reconnect after arguments.
Intervention:
Give clients a Gottman “Aftermath of a Fight” worksheet (or use your own version).
Guide them through each part in session:
What triggered you?
What were your needs and feelings?
What could have helped?
What repair attempts worked or didn’t?
Homework: Use the checklist together after their next disagreement.
4. Stop the Flooding Protocol
Purpose: Prevent escalation and teach physiological self-soothing.
Intervention:
Explain flooding and identify personal signs (heart racing, shutting down, pacing, etc.).
Create a “Time-Out Agreement” with a pre-decided signal (e.g., “I need 20 minutes”).
Practice relaxation techniques in session (guided breathing, grounding).
Homework: Try the protocol once before the next session and journal about how it went.
5. The Dreams Within Conflict Exercise
Purpose: Move from gridlock to understanding by exploring underlying dreams, values, and fears.
Intervention:
Choose a stuck perpetual issue.
Use prompts to uncover deeper meanings:
“What does this mean to you?”
“What values are tied to this?”
“What’s at stake for you?”
Validate each partner’s dreams without rushing to problem-solve.
Tool: Gottman card deck or worksheet: Dreams Within Conflict Dialogue.
6. Bid Awareness and Turning Toward Practice
Purpose: Build emotional connection and reduce unnecessary conflict.
Intervention:
Teach what a “bid” looks like (verbal and nonverbal).
Ask each partner to observe and log 3 bids/day from their partner.
Practice responding with “turning toward” behaviors in session.
Homework: Share daily appreciations + log successful bid responses.
7. Repair Attempt Menu
Purpose: Make repair attempts visible, accessible, and practiced.
Intervention:
Collaboratively create a “Repair Attempt Menu” (e.g., “I need a break,” “That came out wrong,” “Let’s reset”).
Practice using 3 repair phrases in mock conflict.
Hang the menu on the fridge at home.