Navigating the Storm: Understanding Trauma Responses in the Wake of Infidelity

Introduction:

In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, few challenges rival the seismic impact of infidelity. As a relationship expert, my journey into the heart of healing has unveiled the profound connection between trauma responses and the aftermath of betrayal. Let's embark on an exploration of how understanding trauma can guide us in treating infidelity and fostering resilient relationships.

The Landscape of Trauma Responses:

Infidelity, like an emotional earthquake, can trigger a spectrum of trauma responses. These responses, often rooted in attachment styles and past experiences, can manifest as shock, denial, anger, anxiety, or even dissociation. As a relationship expert, recognizing these responses is crucial for tailoring effective interventions.

1. The Shockwave of Betrayal: Infidelity rocks the very foundation of trust. Partners experiencing betrayal often describe an initial shock, akin to the ground shaking beneath them. Understanding this shockwave allows us to provide a supportive, stabilizing presence in the immediate aftermath.

2. Navigating the Depths of Denial: Denial is a common defense mechanism, a shield against the overwhelming reality of betrayal. Acknowledging and gently challenging denial, while respecting the individual's pace, opens the door for deeper exploration and healing.

3. Unveiling the Flames of Anguish: Anger can be an intense manifestation of pain, serving as a protective mechanism. As a relationship expert, guiding partners in channeling anger constructively and expressing their emotional needs is pivotal in the healing process.

Treating Infidelity through a Trauma-Informed Lens:

1. Creating a Safe Haven: Establishing a safe space is paramount. Infidelity survivors need assurance that their feelings are valid, and this acknowledgment forms the bedrock of the healing journey.

2. Unraveling the Roots: Delving into the roots of trauma responses is essential. Understanding attachment styles, past traumas, and individual coping mechanisms enables tailored therapeutic strategies.

3. Fostering Effective Communication: Infidelity often exposes communication fault lines. As a relationship expert, empowering partners with nonviolent communication tools can pave the way for honest, vulnerable conversations.

4. Rebuilding Trust Brick by Brick: Rebuilding trust is a meticulous process. Small, consistent actions that demonstrate commitment and accountability become the building blocks of a renewed foundation.

Conclusion:

As we navigate the complex aftermath of infidelity, the lens of trauma response offers clarity and guidance. Each relationship is unique, and treating infidelity requires a nuanced, individualized approach. By embracing the transformative power of understanding trauma responses, we, as relationship experts, can contribute to the profound healing and resilience of those traversing this challenging terrain.

Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity: A Guide Using the Gottman Approach and EFT

Infidelity can be one of the most challenging experiences a couple can face. Rebuilding trust in the aftermath of such a breach is a complex process that requires dedication, open communication, and professional guidance. In this blog post, we'll explore how the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can be powerful tools in the journey towards healing and rebuilding trust.

Understanding the Impact of Infidelity

Before embarking on the path of rebuilding trust, it's crucial to acknowledge the profound impact of infidelity on both partners. The betrayed partner often experiences feelings of betrayal, loss, and intense emotional pain. The unfaithful partner may grapple with guilt, shame, and remorse. These emotions are valid and need to be addressed with empathy and understanding.

The Gottman Method: Building a Foundation of Trust

1. Open Communication: The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication. Both partners must be willing to express their feelings, concerns, and needs without fear of judgment or defensiveness.

2. Rebuilding Intimacy: Intimacy is not solely about physical closeness, but also about emotional connection. The Gottman Method encourages partners to engage in activities that foster emotional intimacy, such as sharing dreams, fears, and aspirations.

3. Re-establishing Rituals of Connection: Partners should identify and revive rituals that were once meaningful in their relationship. This could be anything from a weekly date night to morning walks together.

4. Trust-Building Behaviors: The unfaithful partner must demonstrate consistent, trust-building behaviors. This includes transparency, accountability, and a willingness to answer questions about the affair.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Healing Emotional Bonds

1. Creating a Secure Emotional Connection: EFT focuses on creating a safe and secure emotional bond between partners. Through guided conversations, couples learn to express their emotions and needs in a constructive manner.

2. Processing and Validating Emotions: Both partners need to acknowledge and validate each other's emotions. This helps create an environment where both individuals feel heard and understood.

3. Identifying Attachment Patterns: EFT helps couples recognize and understand their attachment patterns, which may contribute to relationship distress. By recognizing and addressing these patterns, couples can forge healthier connections.

4. Forgiveness and Letting Go: EFT assists couples in the process of forgiveness, which is essential for healing. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the infidelity, but rather, it signifies a willingness to move forward without holding onto resentment.

Combining Approaches for Maximum Impact

The power of combining the Gottman Method and EFT lies in their complementary nature. While the Gottman Method focuses on rebuilding trust through concrete actions and behaviors, EFT delves deep into the emotional landscape, facilitating healing from the inside out.

Remember, rebuilding trust after infidelity is a journey that requires time, patience, and professional guidance. Seeking the support of a trained therapist experienced in both the Gottman Method and EFT can provide the necessary tools and insights for a path towards healing, renewed intimacy, and a stronger, more resilient partnership.

An Integrative Approach to Working With Infidelity

The prevalence of infidelity within relationships is difficult to define due to the multiple different definitions of infidelity. Based on the research, anywhere from 15-70% of couples experience infidelity within their relationship; however, what they consider to be infidelity differs (Hertlein et al., 2005).

Infidelity can have a traumatic impact on individuals and relationships, and therefore requires a comprehensive approach to address the complex emotional and relational issues that arise. 

3-Stage Intervention Model: 

1. During the initial crisis phase, the therapist focuses on stabilizing the couple's emotional state and ensuring their safety. This may involve individual therapy sessions to help the betrayed partner process their emotions, as well as couples therapy sessions to address the immediate impact of the infidelity on the relationship.

2. The middle phase of the intervention entails exploring the underlying issues that contributed to the infidelity. A key component of this phase of treatment involves rebuilding trust in the relationship. This stage may involve identifying and addressing unmet needs within the relationship, developing new communication skills, and exploring patterns of behaviors that may have contributed to the infidelity.

3. The final recovery phase focuses on sustaining the progress made in the earlier stages and promoting continued growth and healing in the relationship. This may involve ongoing individual and couples therapy, as well as developing a plan for preventing future infidelity.

Infidelity is difficult to talk about. However, the research points towards the prevalence of infidelity in relationships and a need for a safe space for individuals and couples to open up about their experiences. An integrative approach to working with infidelity offers couples hope for working through any type of infidelity that may come up in a relationship. If you are interested in learning more about working with infidelity in couples therapy, or if you are in need of support, book an appointment today!

Book with: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

References: 

Hertlein, Wetchler, & Piercy (2005). Infidelity, Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 4:2-3, 5-16, DOI: 10.1300/J398v04n02_02

Betrayal and Relational Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds

There is hope!

If you are feeling stuck in trauma bonds, it's important to understand that there is hope. You can heal from this experience and even come out stronger on the other side. But it will require time, patience, and a willingness to do the work.

A tsunami of strong feelings might follow the discovery of your spouse's infidelity. After the initial shock and perplexity, most betrayed spouses battle for some time to regain control over their tumultuous feelings driven by intrusive thoughts and reminders. Infidelity, according to Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the treatment of sexual addiction, can be as traumatic as sexual assault

It's critical to understand how and why the event changes our brain and behavior while recovering from infidelity. Staying curious while discussing what betrayal trauma looks like for both partners, as well as how this shared suffering might lead to harmful patterns in their interactions with one another- these patterns sometimes known as trauma bonds.

What Does Trauma Look Like?

The symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are similar to those caused by betrayal. Trauma causes intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and hyperarousal in individuals with PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts are persistent, unwanted reminders of the traumatic experience, such as flashbacks (reliving the terrible event as if it were happening again) or nightmares about it.

Avoidance can take on a variety of forms, including trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic experience, as well as avoiding places, activities, or people that may remind you of it.

Hyperarousal is characterized by a feeling of distress and anxiety, which can extend to other areas such as difficulty sleeping, being easily startled, sluggish brain function, trouble focusing, and irritability.

Symptoms are frequently changing and varied from person to person. These same symptoms, when combined with detrimental changes in thinking and mood, can result in:

• Negative thoughts about yourself and others.

• Feel hopeless and powerless when the future appears bleak.

• Forgetfulness.

• Detachment from career, family, and friends.

• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed.

• It's difficult to experience pleasant feelings..

• Feeling emotionally flat and numb.

So, What Are the Causes of These Changes?

Betrayal trauma can alter your physiology due to the neurobiological changes that are taking place in your limbic system. Your body enters a fight, flight, or freeze (and sometimes fawn or collapse) reaction as a result of these adjustments.

When our amygdala senses danger, the hypothalamus activates the sympathetic nervous system, which causes epinephrine, also known as adrenaline, to be released. Adrenaline makes our heart beat faster and our lungs breathe more effectively on a good workout or training day. When we're stressed, our body releases hormones such as adrenaline, which help us stay safe and alert. It increases blood flow to the brain and muscles, making our mind more attentive to the situation and boosting blood sugar levels for vitality. When we are emotionally or physically scared, this surge of adrenaline is meant to keep us safe and alive.

When the danger level rises to a certain point, the hippocampus instructs the adrenal glands to produce cortisol. The hippocampus is essential for thinking, learning, memory, and behavioral management. Our brain needs to focus on problem solving during extreme stress, such as betrayal and relational trauma. Because you're overwhelmed with stress, your hippocampus isn't functioning well. The end result is conflict or flight from the stress/threat rather than problem solving in order to resolve it.

All of the same things that I previously stated are going on in a freeze response, with one exception: our subconscious has deemed this stress to be too hazardous. The sympathetic nervous system is no longer solely in command. The dorsal vagus nerve is activated on the back side, and it drags us into a condition of self-protection. When we are in risk of physical or emotional harm, whether real or imagined, we may shut down. We may appear calm but, inside, we are emotionally numb and frozen.

Finally, collapse response is comparable to that of freeze; it's a condition of hypo excitation. The dorsal vagus nerve screams, "This is too much!" and goes quiet. We are no longer seeking for methods to survive (fight or flight) but rather for a way to fall apart physically and emotionally. We may be unable to speak or feel removed or disconnected from our bodies. Our blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate drop dramatically. We might even faint or become unconscious in severe situations.

The fluctuating cycles of cortisol levels are detrimental to your immune system and general health. Even after an affair's initial discovery or disclosure, your brain can be bombarded with reminders that flood it with adrenaline and cortisol. This is one of the reasons why it's so difficult for your brain to accept and process this traumatic event, and subsequently let down its guard. The symptoms of PTSD are caused by this higher level of anxiety and isolation.What Do We Do About It?

You may not be interested in the neuroscience aspect, but you can still be interested in when your brain is offline or online. The Hypo-aroused and Hyper-aroused brains are both "offline." We can reclaim our center by practicing observing what goes on inside us while we're "offline". What do we think about and how are we physiologically feeling, such as our heart rate and breath? Are we hot or cold, sweaty or clammy? Do we feel numbness or strong emotions? Meditation, exercise, yoga, and journaling can help us stay centered.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Every relationship reacts to trauma differently. Both partners are frequently on the fight, flight, fawn or freeze continuum, but they're rarely in the same place at the same time, contributing to the negative cycle that couples dealing with infidelity's trauma find themselves in.

After being a therapist for 20 years, I have seen distorted and adaptive bonds form between partners. Some people call these "trauma bonds". It is crucial to understand your trauma as well as your spouse's, and have a working understanding of what is going on in both of your brains.

Here are a few examples of traumatic bond cycles that aren't helpful:

• For more than 6-9 months after discovery, the victim is fixated on the event, what occurred, and why...

• Between wanting a divorce and wanting to work things out, there's an endless debate.

• You and your spouse are continuing to have abusive debates.

• Keeping your relationship a secret from others who might criticize you for attempting to work it out.

• Breaking commitments to yourself or each other and expecting things to get better.

• Feelings of closeness one minute, followed by painful memories and outbursts the next are typical..

It may be useful to take a step back and examine the cycle of events in which you two escalate when you talk about specifics and reminders. Consider whether the way we are discussing the facts of the affair is pushing us closer to forgiveness or making matters worse. Still, you both need to be curious about this cycle that you are co-creating as you work to reconcile. As a reminder, you are both responsible for the co-creation of a new relationship starting today.

If you find that you and your spouse are in an unhelpful cycle, please don't beat yourself up for it; notice it without any shame and be curious about how you can begin to work through the trauma of infidelity more productively.

I'll be sharing more about this topic in future Free Resources, so stay tuned. In the meantime, if you're looking for more resources on this topic, I recommend reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass (the best book that I have found to help couples recover and heal from infidelity and relational trauma) and The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes.

If you are struggling with infidelity in your relationship, please reach out for help. This is not something that you have to go through alone. I offer individual and couples counseling services and have experience helping people heal from betrayal trauma. You can text me here to set up a consultation. 813-240-3237 or book online:

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

I hope this has been helpful. Please feel free to reach out. Until next time!

The Grief of an Affair (Your partner cheated. Now what? Part 2)

The revelation of a partner’s affair (sexual or emotional) comes as a shock to the hurt partner, even when doubts exist. The loss of trust in a relationship is no different from a physical loss. The closeness of the relationship and the hurt partner’s perception of preventability were identified as predictors of the grieving process’s intensity and duration in a study on human grief by Bugen. The predictors wouldn’t be different in the case of trust loss as well.

The process of grief includes five emotional stages to recovery from loss, as per the Kubler-Ross model. This process is not linear, and the hurt partner can find themselves at any stage throughout varying timelines. The stages of trust loss, applying the grief model to the aftermath of an affair, would be as follows:

DENIAL

The hurt partner struggles to comprehend what happened and is often unaware of the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass betrayal cascade that the betraying partner experienced or is experiencing . The hurt partner tends to minimize the pain of the affair initially and goes through the phase of “something is amiss, and it will be set right.” There is a strong need to confirm with the partner by asking questions in several different ways as they feel that this cannot be happening.

ANGER

The hurt partner starts to piece together the incidents from the past, and the reality gradually emerges. There is apparent anger about the betrayal, hurt for being let down, and sadness about losing the relationship. The anger can be toward oneself for letting this happen, the partner who did this to them, and the liaison who shouldn’t have crossed the boundaries. But then, there is also the fear that the anger may push away the very person they still love. The fear of losing the partner results in suppressing anger, which may erupt abruptly at different points as the entirety of the situation sinks in. There may also be self-doubt about their role in the case, which is overwhelming, given the immense emotional stress already persisting.

BARGAINING

The feelings of confusion, pain, anger, and other emotions seem unbearable and threaten the loss of control. It is a helpless state intensified by powerful emotions and therefore comes a need to regain control. The hurt partner tries to reset the past by exploring different paths, such as “if only I had stopped her that day when I saw her messaging,” “what if the other person had misused the situation and my partner is not at fault,” etc. There is a struggle to heal the pain faster by providing logical explanations and intellectualizing feelings. The hurt partner may try premature closure to postpone experiencing painful emotions.

DEPRESSION 

Here one feels the full impact of losing a trusted relationship. The affair erases everything the hurt partner believed. While the first three stages are more cognitive and solution-oriented, this stage is emotional and experience-oriented. It might involve heaviness and isolation. The hurt partner experiences intense emotions of anger, sadness, and doubts that can feel like there is no more running away. Questions may arise like, “does my partner love me at all?” “I should have given more time and attention before,” “What do I do now?” etc. These questions address the concerns at a deeper level, releasing intense emotions. It is a difficult phase that can feel foggy. Though depression may feel like a comfort zone as the inner conflict lessens, dwelling here indefinitely is unhealthy and would need counseling assistance to move on.

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance comes concerning what happened and what it means in the future. It is not a perfect resolution and permanent closure (with emotions and interpersonal realities) but a transformative stage following a significant change. The hurt partner may start to have thoughts like, “I am aware of what went wrong and can understand the reasons,” “I will be able to forgive and move on,” etc. At this point, the perspective is more on the present moment and future rather than the past. Hope is renewed about the restoration of the relationship. This stage feels different as the outlook towards several aspects of life changes.

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)

Shirley Glass noted that the hurt partner often suffers from a PTSD reaction following an affair’s discovery. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, if the below symptoms persist, then the chances are that the hurt partner is experiencing PTSD. 

1. Recurrent recollections and intrusive visualizations: “Deja vu” events, days, locations, etc., tend to trigger flashbacks of affair specifics. For example, recurring dates of when the hurt partner had found out about the affair trigger memories and related emotions that can induce flooding (stress) and panic attacks.

2. Oscillating moods, confusion, irritability, and outbursts: As the hurt partner struggles between feelings of betrayal and acceptance, there are periods of emotional numbing followed by explosions.

3. Intense emotions of anger, hurt, shame, grief, and frustration: There are ambivalent fears of anger, guilt, self-doubts, etc., that can overwhelm the hurt partner. Empathetic listening goes a long way in healing.

4. Hyper-vigilance and startling: Hurt partners can become startled and vigilant about mundane things like message notifications, phone rings, delay in replies, etc., and may seem to make impossible demands. Compassion and assurance will help.

5. Avoidance, detachment, and seclusion: The overwhelming feelings appear challenging, and isolation may seem like the only option. The betraying partner often misunderstands it as distancing and tends to stay away. It may enhance the feelings of rejection in the hurt partner when what is needed is emotional support.

6. Loss of focus and interest: The depression symptoms of demotivation, loss of interest, lack of energy, irregular sleep, no appetite, low feelings, etc., can persist.

7. Hopelessness about the future: As the world, they know, collapses, there may be hopelessness and helplessness about the relationship.

Although not all partners hurt by an affair will develop PTSD reactions, many will experience grief and depression. Hurt partners may become obsessed with the affair’s details, feel powerless with their emotions, and need therapeutic assistance at such times. It is important to note that these reactions are normal responses and can benefit from couple therapy.

FINAL THOUGHT

An affair shakes everything that the hurt partner believes in their understanding of themselves and the world. Gottman Method Couples Therapy can help a couple learn to atone, attune, and attach as they restore new purpose and meaning together.

Jinashree Rajendrakumar

References:

Bugen, L. A. (1977). Human grief: A model for prediction and intervention. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 47(2), 196–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1977.tb00975.x

Glass, S. (2007). NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017a). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017b). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript,  Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X

Hall, C. (2011). Beyond Kubler-Ross: recent developments in our understanding of grief and bereavement. InPsych: The Bulletin of the Australian Psychological Society Ltd, 33(6), 8.

Holland, K. (2018, September 25). What You Should Know About the Stages of Grief. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief

How Do Affairs Happen? (See the cascade of events that can lead to infidelity) PART 1

WHAT WENT WRONG?

It is hurtful and devastating when an affair shatters a relationship’s trusted stability. It leaves both partners to pick up the pieces before starting all over again, which is painful. One of the questions that plague partners recovering from an affair is “What went wrong?” Even when individuals and relationships are unique, is there a commonality across affairs?

Dr. John Gottman with Dr. Caryl Rusbult and Dr. Shirley Glass explained an affair as a cascade of steps that culminate in a transgression. It all starts with the bid for attention. If it sounds like a simplified excuse for an affair, it is not. When one can’t count on their partner to be available in their time of need, it leads to unfavorable comparisons, emotional distance, and eventual betrayal, if not the demise of love. Based on research, the steps that lead to betrayal (the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass Cascade) are as follows.

TURNING AWAY

Partners can make an emotional bid that is met with turning away or against instead of turning toward. Turning away would include ignoring or being preoccupied with something else while turning against would be a retort or a lash back. When “Would you like to plan for the weekend?” is met with silence or “Can’t you see that I am busy?” the bidding partner feels rejected and hurt. Over time repeated failed bids lead to reiterating the belief that “you are not there for me,” and trust associated with the partner starts to erode gradually. An anticipatory rejection starts to flood (stress) the bidding partner, making them feel vulnerable, insignificant, or unwanted.

NEGATIVITY AND AVOIDANCE

The bidding partner soon enters the negative absorbing state, which is the negative affect from past failed bids building up with every new failed bid. It gets easier to get into the negative state but challenging to exit, resulting in a persistent negative state of mind. Soon unheeded requests turn out to be stressful and pointless arguments. Therefore bidding partner suppresses feelings and needs, leading to avoidance of conflict and self-disclosure.

INVESTING LESS AND COMPARING MORE

When partners favorably evaluate the relationship compared to other alternatives, they are more likely to stay committed to the relationship, as Thibaut and Kelley suggest. Therefore, the unfavorable comparisons propel a relationship towards a lack of commitment and betrayal. The bidding partner starts negatively comparing the partner with a real or imaginary partner who would make them feel cherished. As approaching the partner with an emotional bid is found futile, bidding and investing in the partner reduces, while substituting begins.

FEELING LESS DEPENDENT AND MAKING FEWER SACRIFICES

As Rusbult notes, commitment is a gradual process of making a good comparison level for the relationship within alternatives. Similarly, the opposite process of un-commitment is a gradual process of damaging comparison levels with other options. Commitment leads people to make sacrifices while building interdependency. It also leads to disparaging alternatives in comparison to their partner. As reliability or dependability on the partner lessens, trust reduces. The partner opens up to others and engages in talks (or self-talks) that magnify the relationship’s negative qualities.

TRASHING VS. CHERISHING

As one maximizes the partner’s negative qualities, one also minimizes positive characteristics. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. Dr. Gottman suggests that people committed to their relationship cherish their partner by reminiscing about the positives with gratitude, even when not together. An essential part of a relationship, cherishing and expressing gratitude, is replaced with trash-talking the partner (directly and in front of others).

RESENTMENT AND LONELINESS IN RELATIONSHIP

Gratitude for the partner becomes replaced with bitterness. Resentment seeps in with silent arguments such as feeling the partner is selfish and uncaring. There is loneliness enhanced with unfavorable comparisons like “my ex would have understood me better” or “my colleague is more there for me than my partner.” With loneliness, vulnerability to other relationships increases. The built-up resentment results in low sexual desire and impersonal sex. The refusal to have sex may result in the partner’s blaming, leading to further feelings of rejection, and the affair cascade intensifies.

IDEALIZING ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIPS

There is less dependency on a partner, less reliance on the relationship for meeting essential needs, less investment in the relationship while idealizing alternative relationships, and thinking fewer positive pro-relationship thoughts. Instead, anti-relationship thoughts take over like “maybe we will be better off without each other,” “it may be a relief to let go of the relationship than hold on,” etc. The window between the partners is replaced with a wall, as the window opens up to outsiders. Other harmless liaisons provide the safe house.

SECRETS AND CROSSING BOUNDARIES

Secrets begin with omission. The other patterns such as inconsistencies, lies, confidence violations follow. While in cherishing relationships, interactions with others that hurt the partner are avoided, in denigrating relationships, ties with others are sought to fill the prevailing emotional gaps. As the hiding increases with the partner, there is an active turning toward others, and at a vulnerable moment, boundaries are crossed, and actual betrayal unfolds.

As one partner goes through the cascade of betrayal, the other partner experiences the ground sinking beneath their feet. Trust is broken and, over time, may develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Jinashree Rajendrakumar

References:

Gottman, J. (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript,  Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X

Haan-Rietdijk, S. D., Gottman, J. M., Bergeman, C. S., & Hamaker, E. L. (2016). Get Over It! A Multilevel Threshold Autoregressive Model for State-Dependent Affect Regulation. Psychometrika, 81(1), 217–241. doi: 10.1007/S11336-014-9417-X

Hawkins, M. W., Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M. (2002). Marital Sentiment Override: Does It Influence Couples’ Perceptions? Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(1), 193–201. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00193.x

Ways to Rebuild Trust after an Affair

Low and High Cost Repair Behaviors

The most basic benefit of being in a relationship is the confidence you derive from having a teammate you can rely on to help with the vicissitudes of life. Below is a chart of life:

Life chart

If we have a companion, confidant, and lover along the way, these unexpected dips and turns are easier to manage because you are not going alone. You know and trust that they will have your back through the inevitable pitfalls of life. When you have this trust, a sense of security is created.

Affairs usually occur because one or both partners have gotten squirmy and have started to bail on being teammates in one form or another.

Since the affair has put the foundation of the relationship into question for the hurt partner – much like a rug being pulled out from underneath them – it is up to the unfaithful partner to demonstrate that they are worthy of trust.

Dr. Janis Spring, author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, states that to get to the rebuilding trust phase of a relationship, the hurt partner must first normalization his or her intense feelings and then make a decision to recommit with the unfaithful partner. After this occurs, ways to rebuild trust fall into two categories of behavior.

The first is what she calls low-cost behaviors, and the second is high-cost behaviors.

Below are examples of some low-cost behaviors for the unfaithful partner to begin to rebuild trust.

Remember, it’s your job to continue to demonstrate that you are worthy of trust.

• Leave little up to assumption. For example, give your partner the complete itinerary when you travel.

• Let your partner know if you run into the affair person.

• Check in throughout the day remind your partner you are thinking about them.

• Remind your partner that you love them, and why you picked him or her.

• Tell your partner that you find them attractive.

• Tell your partner how much you appreciate them.

• Leave little up to assumption in regards to your feelings and emotions. Fill your partner in on your emotional landscape, especially if you are not used to doing this.

• Ask what you need from your partner to make the relationship more satisfactory. Do this in a way that does not blame your partner, or justifies your behavior.

• Have patience — you can’t regain trust overnight.

Below are examples of low-cost behaviors for you, the hurt partner.

Remember it is important to positively acknowledge your partner’s efforts to restore your trust.

• Let your partner know specifically what low-cost behaviors you need from them to restore your trust; leave little up to assumption.

• Let your partner know that you appreciate their above efforts – specificity helps.

• Tell them that you are feeling more optimistic about your future together.

• Be open to feedback.

• Demonstrate that you are trying to address his or her dissatisfaction at home.

• If your partner is trying to be more emotionally open, be patient, and appreciate such efforts especially if your partner is new to it.

I highly recommend this book.

These low-cost behaviors are the building blocks for rebuilding trust. They are essential for sharing responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship. Dr. Springs states that low-cost behaviors are not enough.

High-cost behaviors are the bedrock of the trust-building phase that squarely falls on the shoulders of the unfaithful person.

She writes:

“It’s not enough for you to say, ‘Trust me, honey – I’m here to stay.’ You have to back your claim with dramatic gestures that are ‘expensive’ – in other words, that require real sacrifice and will probably make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.”

Examples of high-cost behaviors are:

• Allowing your partner to have your passwords, and bank account information if requested.

• Having a joint bank account, or dividing assets in half.

• Transferring jobs – away from the affair person.

• Moving to a different city.

• Going to drug and alcohol treatment, staying sober, or going to 12-step meetings.

• Going to individual therapy in order to gain more insight into why the affair occurred.

• Going to couple therapy to process the affair, as well as learn ways to prevent future infidelity by transforming the relationship.

• Cutting ties with old friends or social groups.

• Going on a romantic vacation.

The silver lining to such high-cost behaviors for you, the unfaithful person, is that they will make you a better person.

They will force you to be someone who is worthy of trust, someone who has examined his or her self and who now has nothing to hide. You will be a better example for your kids if you have them. Although difficult at first, you may find such integrity and transparency altogether more satisfying.

The good news is, if an affair has occurred and you both wish to remain in the relationship, you can take concrete steps to become teammates again.

You can’t schedule the restoration of trust and most likely it will never return to how it was, but eventually it can be better. With work, strongly committed couples can rebuild the trust and security that is the foundation for a happy relationship.