LOVE IS NOT OUT OF OUR CONTROL: The Science of Love and the Power of Intimacy
Popular culture and mass media’s influence on how we conceptualize love creates a grossly unrealistic expectation. We’re all too familiar with the cliché Disney princess or Hallmark protagonist “happening” upon their soul mate. Their connection is portrayed as an intangible energetic exchange that cannot be explained. Not only are these stories idealistic, but they tend to only display heteronormative relationships and fail to represent diversity in relationships. These tales suggest we ought to just to sit on our hands and wait for love to happen to us. Finally, these narratives assume love is an instantaneous “love at first sight.” Feelings of attraction, affection, and desire can certainly occurs instantly but for anyone who has experienced true intimacy they know that tending to the garden of love takes time. Maria Popova’s article The Science of Love, poses alternative ideas about what love really is. Following is a summary of her key points, but I encourage you to read the full article as it might just enhance your love life.
Popova acknowledges that Love is an emotion, as it is inherently pleasurable and can feel like a comforting hug for the heart. Like other emotions, love literally changes the brain. Love, however, is distinct from other emotions because it is relationally shared. It is created by connection having less to do with a private feeling but more so the interchange between you and the other. For example, you can say “I am afraid” and that feeling solely belongs to you, but this is not the case with love. Popova says:
“Love expands your awareness of your surroundings, even your sense of self. The boundaries between you and not-you — what lies beyond your skin — relax and become more permeable. While infused with love you see fewer distinctions between you and others. Indeed, your ability to see others — really see them, wholeheartedly — springs open. Love can even give you a palpable sense of oneness and connection, a transcendence that makes you feel part of something far larger than yourself.”
Popova explains that love is a unique emotion. It can transcend self and make one feel connected to something bigger and more meaningful, but these micro-moments of love can be fleeting! What do we do then when we aren’t “infused with love” and the feeling fades? What is the love that we have the power to create and can weather the storms of life? INTIMACY.
“The hallmark feature of intimacy is mutual responsiveness, that reassuring sense that you and your lover — or you and your best friend — really ‘get’ each other. This means that you come to your interactions with a well-developed understanding of each other’s inner workings, and you use that privileged knowledge thoughtfully, for each other’s benefit. Intimacy is that safe and comforting feeling you get when you can bask in the knowledge that this other person truly understands and appreciates you. You can relax in this person’s presence and let your guard down. Your mutual sense of trust, perhaps reinforced by your commitments of loyalty to each other, allows each of you to be more open with each other than either of you would be elsewhere.”
Who doesn’t long for that? But developing intimacy takes time. It grows over time from intentional actions, active listening, and attunement to the needs of you and your partner. Humans are wired to crave instant gratification and quick fixes so it’s not always easy. It is completely understandable that we become dissatisfied when the sparks fade, and the honeymoon period ends. It can feel impossible to muster the motivation to build (or rebuild) intimacy especially in cases of betrayal or chronic exhaustion from constant arguing over finances...the kids…household duties… etc. Sometimes, it doesn’t seem worth the trouble, but humans are also wired for connection and love. Research suggest that remaining in an unhappy partnership can increase health risks, depression, and cause other adverse effects. Choosing to stay stagnant is costly, yet there is hope for true intimacy.
We have learned that love is not out of our control or merely a fleeting feeling, it is something we can create. Every hour a couple spends in therapy or working on their relationship is an hour closer to the benefits of love and intimacy (and the benefits are many). Therapy provides a safe space to learn how to change dysfunctional patters, explore your partner, and gain effective tools to use throughout the week. The therapist acts as a mediator and guide skillfully directing the conversation towards healing rather than repeating the cycle of blame and misunderstanding. It is completely possible, over time, to become friends and lovers once again. It is possible to heal relational wounds and truly forgive one another. Imagine what it would be like to no longer feel completely unseen, alone, and like a victim. Imagine waking up with hope and anticipation for your partner. Spend some time meditating, journaling, or even just imagining what you want in your relationship. If you and your partner choose to begin the journey towards intimacy the pleasurable feelings of love will return: like a warm hug for the heart.
Shaundra McGuire
Shaundra is a compassionate supervised therapist providing skilled counseling to teens and adults with various diagnosis. She has provided trauma counseling to survivors of sexual violence and is experienced in treating eating disorders as well as facilitating marriage and family therapy. Using a multidimensional approach Shaundra’s passion is to join hands with her clients in achieving health and healing. Both In-Person sessions (Mondays and Tuesdays) and Virtual sessions are available.
Shaundra McGuire, MFTI 813-298-8905 Shaundra1@usf.edu PsychologyToday Profile: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/shaundra-mcguire-tampa-fl/930496 Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI Virtual Visits: https://doxy.me/shaundra