Anxiety & Uncertainty surrounding the coronavirus (COVID-19)

At South Tampa Therapy my main concern is the well being of my clients. I understand the anxiety and uncertainty you may be experiencing surrounding the coronavirus (COVID-19) and am committed to being responsive to your needs as the situation evolves. 

If you would prefer to change your upcoming in-person appointment to a phone or video session, please text (813) 240-3237, or email me at elizabethmahaney@gmail.com. Sessions can also be rescheduled on-line.

In the meantime, I encourage you to stay educated about the situation through trusted information sites, and by washing your hands frequently. For additional information about COVID-19 visit the Centers for Disease Control at cdc.gov

Start Your Day with a Clear Intention

 Personal Growth Reflections  Intentions Self-Awareness

Starting your day with a clear intention can make all the difference, helping you to stay centered, aware, and focused as the day unfolds. Read on to learn more about the power of intention—and gain valuable tips on how to set specific, clear intentions that will help you fulfill your deepest yearnings and desires.

Peace.

Get grounded.

Connect with my breath.

Be present with my child.

Finish that project.

Meditate for 10 minutes.

Call my mom.

Compassion.

Go for a run.

Practice Yoga.

Drink two glasses of water before breakfast.

Complete two tasks from my to-do list by the end of the day.

Courage.

Do nothing.

Be kind.

You know what it feels like to start the day on the wrong foot. A thoughtless comment from your partner, an inconsolable crying baby, worries about an upcoming deadline, or an anxiety attack upon waking can rock your world and leave you feeling raw or unnerved. When you wake up this way, it can make your day feel impossibly challenging. What if you started your day on a better foot? What if you started your day with purpose? Beginning your day with a clear intention, such as one of those listed above, or one that you develop on your own, can shift your energy toward the positive.

What Is an Intention?

Intentions can guide us. According to teacher and author Mallika Chopra, an intention is like a seed that already contains the essence of what it will eventually become. When you plant your seed of intention and nourish it with your attention, you start to notice all of the people, events, and situations that can guide you to experience greater happiness and well-being.

An intention can be as simple and specific as “get out of bed by 6:30 a.m.” or “meditate each evening for the next week” or “make that doctor’s appointment by noon tomorrow.” Your intention can also be broader, such as a quality you wish to cultivate more of in your life, including present-moment awareness, self-compassion, wholeness, and faith.

If you have taken a yoga class or participated in a guided meditation, then you may be familiar with the teacher asking you to set an intention at the beginning of your practice. This intention can help to guide your practice and positively influence how you experience your time. Similarly, setting an intention at the outset of your day can affect how you experience all the hours that follow.

Starting your day with a clear intention can set the tone for your day ahead. When you have an intention in mind, you may be better able to stay aligned with your values. Then throughout the day, when your values will undoubtedly be tested, you will have better access to them when they are most needed. Consider the example of setting trust as your intention for your day ahead. Then, if you can’t find your keys as you head out the door, or you walk outside to a flat tire, or you miss an important phone call by one minute, you can remember to trust and move forward from there. Tapping back into the intention you set at the beginning of your day can help you remain calm and present as you deal with life’s inevitable upsets.

Here are a few ways to develop your intention, as well as some more tips to prepare yourself to stay on an intentional track throughout the day.

1. Get Clear on Your Values

Maybe you are interested in setting an intention for your day but you are not sure where to begin. Getting clear on your values can be a great place to start. Your values are your principles or standards of belief—your judgment about what is important in life. Vulnerability researcher and author Brené Brown writes that when we live our values, “We walk our talk—we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviors align with those beliefs.” Brown supplies a list of values you can consider for your life. Your intention for your day or week or month or year can be chosen directly from one of your values or it can be an action or goal inspired by one of your values.

2. Get Clear on Your Desires

Maybe you are interested in setting an intention for your day but you are not sure what you want. How can you focus on an intention if you are not clear on what you want and intend? Author and teacher Danielle LaPorte suggests setting goals based on how you want to feel. She writes, “You get to choose how you feel … and shape your reality—it’s the ultimate self-agency. Our feelings inform our thoughts. And our thoughts inform our behavior. Feel. Perceive. Act. Change your feelings, and you could change everything.”

Get clear on how you want to feel in all the aspects of your life, including your health, livelihood, relationships, spirituality, creativity, and community. Then set some solid intentions from there.

3. Set Your Intention Before You Get Out of Bed

The morning soon after you wake is a wonderful time to set an intention. During sleep, your body and brain engage in many activities for repair and renewal, including releasing toxins, regenerating cells, balancing hormones, and consolidating memories. Your body is primed for a new day and while it may be necessary to shake off the inertia of sleep before learning something new or making a big decision, the morning brain is generally receptive.

If the first thing you do upon waking is to listen to the news or scroll through social media, your mind is tuning in to negative images, comparisons, and external messages to focus on first thing. On the other hand, if you set yourself up for some personal reflection, intention setting, or positive awareness at the outset of your day, then you have more agency about where your day will head. As you move through your day, you will be responding to outside stimuli through the lens of your intention rather than simply reacting.

Begin your intention setting practice before you even get out of bed. Upon waking, take several deep breaths and allow yourself a few sweet moments to fully awaken. Place your hands on your body—your heart and belly if that is comfortable for you—and feel your breath. Consider what is present for you this morning. Consider all the demands the day will bring. Carve out these first few minutes of the day for some self-care or positive affirmations. Call in your intention based on what arises for you. If necessary, set an alarm for five minutes before you really need to get up to make this self-care time possible.

Helpful Hint: Set yourself up for success by preparing the night before during your restful sleep routine: put your phone out of reach so you won’t be tempted to reach for it the first thing in the morning, set your journal near your bed for morning intention setting, and prepare to awaken with natural lighting if possible.

4. Stay Focused on Your Intention

But are intentions enough? You’re likely familiar with the aphorism “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” You didn’t mean to hurt your mom’s feelings. You didn’t intend to eat all of the leftovers. You certainly didn’t mean to offend anyone with your ill-timed joke. But you did. According to Yale psychiatry professor John Bargh, despite your values and intentions, you may sometimes “get blown off course by the powerful unconscious motivations and environmental cues that also influence what we do.”

You may set your intention in the morning as healthy eating, but then someone brings donuts to work. You may set your intention as “peace” and then another driver cuts you off, your heart rate immediately increases, and you react with anger. You may set your intention in the morning as “love” and then your partner forgets that you are working late and you feel the irritation rise and the loving feelings dissolve. Indeed, intentions need support to be maintained. This means that even if you wake up with clear, strong intentions, it is crucial to have reminders and tricks to stay on track.

Writing yourself a reminder note in your phone, keeping a little note folded in your wallet, or texting an accountability buddy each morning with your intention can help you stay mindful of your intention throughout the day.

5. Make It Creative and Fun

Here are some other ways to get inspiration for intentions and to make them sustainable throughout your day.

• Draw an oracle card. Ask the cards what you might need to know for your day ahead and let the message or image on the card guide you from there.

• Practice a guided meditation. Allow the message or insight from a guided meditation inspire an intention for your day ahead.

• Be grateful. When in doubt, move forward in your day with the intention to look for as many people and things to be grateful for as possible. You will thank yourself for it.

• Move your body. Integrate your intention into your cells with yoga, running, dancing, or any mindful, meditative movement.

• Make a small note in your phone or set an alarm with a note that reminds you of your intention at certain times throughout the day.

• Write a small note that you carry in your wallet or your pocket and look at it frequently throughout the day.

• Text, email, or call an accountability buddy each morning with your intention. This person may be able to help you stay mindful of your intention throughout the day. Or if you know me, you’d hear me say, “add it to your Trello accountability board”.

Whether your intention is grand or small, personal or professional, set it at the beginning of your day. Starting your day with a clear intention can influence the flow of your day so it may as well be self-determined and nourished with your own positivity. Set your to-do list aside and use your values, core desired feelings, and life goals to inspire your intention for your day. Set your intention first thing and watch your best life unfold before your eyes.

Our Empathy Brain with Sarah Peyton

Often, if we reveal the negative ways we think or speak to ourselves, people respond by saying “You just have to be nicer to yourself.”


This sounds simple, but our friendly advice-giver is not providing any helpful hints about how we actually DO this – how do we actually go about being kinder to ourselves?


Hearing some one telling us to "just be nicer," we might feel a little embarrassed, and we might be stuck promising ourselves yet again not to reveal how much we struggle with self-criticism, self-scorn or even self-loathing.


I am certainly well-acquainted with this pattern.


I lived with it for years, torn between the need for honest expression, the hope for some sort of support, and the recurring embarrassment of being told what to do without any information on how to do it.


Over the years of traveling the world teaching about the brain science of relationships, I have also met a lot of other folks who have heard similar comments, even from their therapists, telling them to be nicer to themselves, without any discussion of how to go about it.


What skills and knowledge can help us be kinder?

(1.) Realize that the critical or cruel internal voice might be trying to serve us.


One way it may try to help is by criticizing us for NOT being the things we "SHOULD" be -- it may tell us we need to be faster, smarter, more graceful, or more good-looking so that people will like us, so that we will belong.


Can you thank you inner voice for it’s desire to support you?


(2.) Let yourself wonder what your critical inner voice wants.


Meeting ourselves with curiosity about our deep underlying longings and needs is one of the skills that is absolutely necessary for self-kindness!


Direct questions like "what do you want" usually do not yield any answers...


(3.) Start to notice that shame makes us smaller, and it may have been really important to stay small in order to survive when you were little.


Perhaps that critical voice is trying to shame us into submission, to keep a low profile so that no one will notice us or attack us, and so that we can survive.


Can you envision your shame as a protective, well-intentioned strategy to help you find belonging or safety?


Gently ask your critical inner voice whether it might be trying to shame you, to make you small. Be gentle and curious, and see what answers you discover.


Why is it essential to learn our patterns of self-criticism?


Because as we begin to take a bird’s eye view of the self, we start to take ourselves less seriously.


We start to understand that our critical inner voice is not actually telling us the truth, as we believed for so many years.


Instead, we start to see that self-criticism is always a strategy for self-management. We just need to learn what the pattern is!


If this has started to engage your curiosity, and you haven’t already ordered a copy of my book Your Resonant Self, it is for you.


Spend the next week in this new kind of dialogue with your inner critic, listening for what it really wants for you, rather than hearing the desire for compliance with insane standards that you have always thought you wanted for yourself.


“Our critical inner voice is not actually telling us the truth – it’s trying to keep us safe.”

How to Have Better Conversations with Your Partner and Others

Do you want to create a richer connection with your partner? To have those conversations that are intimate and meaningful? Are you shutting down opportunities for a deeper relationship with someone you love by the way you talk with them?

Wait, I’m sorry. Let me try those questions again.

How do you connect better with people? Recount a time when you had a meaningful conversation. What kinds of questions elicit a deeper engagement?

We all have conversations with people who are not gifted in connecting, and maybe we struggle to connect in conversations. Connecting through conversation is integral to any relationship, and our questions often determine the quality of that engagement. The key to asking engaging questions may be simpler than you think.

There’s a colloquial expression: it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Although the tone of our questions is important, the actual questions themselves are the key to engaging conversations. Read the first paragraph of this article again. How can someone respond to the questions in this first paragraph? They are all closed-ended questions, which typically prompt simple one-word answers, so what you say does matter.

My favorite Saturday Night Live skit comes from The Chris Farley Show, where he painstakingly struggles to interview his famous guests. He labors through interview questions that all begin with, “Do you remember…?” Leaving the famous interviewee to blandly respond, “Yes. Yes, I do.”

The point of the skit is to show how poor Farley is in interviewing his guests, barraging them with yes-or-no questions that cause the audience to feel the lack of connection or depth. It’s brilliantly hilarious, but also terrifyingly familiar.

All of us have been the one uncomfortably asking questions of the person we want to impress or connect with, only to find ourselves running the conversation into a brick wall. These types of questions narrow down the possible responses to a version of either yes or no. When you ask closed-ended questions, you lead your conversation partner down a path that severely limits opportunity for depth and connection.

So, in what ways are closed-ended questions a part of those conversations? How can we free ourselves from this limited way of speaking?

How to Ask Open-Ended Questions

There is a very simple strategy in how you talk with your loved ones that can enhance your ability to create better conversations—especially with your partner—and that is to ask open-ended questions. The idea of open-ended questions comes from Miller and Rollnick’s Motivational Interviewing, which is a widely accepted form of dialogue that enhances the participant’s motivation to accept change. But open-ended questions are not only good for therapy; they are also key to fostering engaging conversations in our everyday lives.

To better enhance the opportunity for deeper, richer conversation, according to Miller and Rollnick, you have to work on your phrasing of questions. Open-ended means that the questions cannot be appropriately answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Open-ended questions do not begin with “do” or “did,” which generally prompt a simple answer; open-ended types of questions usually begin with these words:

• How did you…

• In what ways…

• Tell me about…

• What’s it like…

If you have a teenage child, imagine asking them this question at the end of the day: “Did you have a good day today?” Do you think that will prompt a thrilling conversation where your teen opens up to you about all their hopes and dreams? Of course it won’t. Instead, you could try: “In what ways did you feel accomplished today?”

Asking open-ended questions encourages the person you’re conversing with to think critically and therefore to be more engaging, because open-ended questions allow the respondent, not the asker, to control the response.

Try reading the second paragraph of this article again, and notice how the paragraph is entirely comprised of open-ended questions that require much more critical thought than the questions in the first paragraph. You are invited to self-reflect and to dive into descriptive answers that are ripe for follow-up questions. In using more open-ended questions in conversation, you invite people to talk with you rather than talk to you. That is the recipe for better conversations.

When it comes to romantic relationships, asking open-ended questions is especially important, and The Gottman Institute’s methods encourage couples to ask open-ended questions of each other on a regular basis to deepen their intimacy. Let’s imagine those moments in a romantic relationship where connection is difficult, where busyness is the norm, yet you long for a rich conversation with your partner like you used to have.

You turn to your partner and ask, “Do you feel happy with our relationship right now?” How does someone begin to answer this question when it might seem so reductive? Let’s reword this question to be more open-ended and see how it evokes conversation: “In what ways do you feel happy with our relationship?” This open-ended example provides a much more constructive setting to better know what is going well in the relationship.

Which brings us to this: better conversation is more vulnerable and more intimate conversation. It is very difficult to share your thoughts and emotions by answering closed-ended questions, but with open-ended questions, the door for deeper connectedness is flung wide open. Granted, you cannot force someone to be open and honest and share their deeper selves, but you can create an atmosphere that invites deeper connection.

Open-ended questions require us to be engaged in what we are saying. And when we are engaged in what we are saying, we create better and more meaningful conversation.

Holding Space for Others

What Does it Mean to ‘Hold Space’ for Someone Else?

It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. We don’t want to change the way a person feels. We want to understand how they feel and communicate our understanding. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.

Sometimes we find ourselves holding space for people while they hold space for others. It’s virtually impossible to be a strong space holder unless we have others who will hold space for us. Even the strongest therapists, leaders, coaches, nurses, etc., need to know that there are some people with whom they can be vulnerable and weak without fear of being judged.

In my own roles as therapist, agile learning facilitator, co-founder, supervisor, mother, partner, daughter, sister, and friend, etc., I do my best to hold space for other people. It’s not always easy because I have a very human tendency to want to help/ fix people, give them advice, or encourage them for not being further along the path than they are, but I keep trying because I know that it’s important. At the same time, there are people in my life that I trust and they understand what it means to hold space for me including my partner, colleagues, ALC co-facilitators, interns, friends, and family.

To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for). We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes.

Holding space is not something that’s exclusive to therapists, facilitators, coaches, or palliative care nurses. It is something that ALL of us can do for each other–for our partners, children, friends, neighbors, and even strangers who strike up conversations as we’re living daily life.

What I Learned about Holding Space for Others

Here are the lessons I’ve learned from my experiences and from others who have held space for me.

Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom. 

Give people only as much information as they can handle. 

Don’t take their power away–empower them instead. When we take decision-making power out of people’s hands, we leave them feeling useless and incompetent. There may be some times when we need to step in and make hard decisions for other people (ie. when they’re dealing with an addiction and an intervention feels like the only thing that will save them), but in almost every other case, people need the autonomy to make their own choices (even our children). It is important that my clients and others feel empowered in making decisions, and so I offer support but never try to directly pressure or control.

Try to keep your own ego out of it. This is a big one. We all get caught in that trap now and then–when we begin to believe that someone else’s success is dependent on our intervention, or when we think that their failure reflects poorly on us, or when we’re convinced that whatever emotions they choose to unload on us are about us instead of them. It’s a trap I’ve occasionally found myself slipping into when I counsel or teach at the ALC. I can become more concerned about my own success (Do the students or my clients like me? Do their marks or progress reflect on my ability to teach or counsel? Etc.) than about the success of my students or clients. But that doesn’t serve anyone–not even me. To truly support their growth, I need to keep my ego out of it and create the space where they have the opportunity to grow and learn.

Make them feel safe enough to fail. When people are learning, growing, or going through grief or transition, they are bound to make some mistakes along the way. When we, as their space holders, withhold judgement and shame, we offer them the opportunity to reach inside themselves to find the courage to take risks and the resilience to keep going even when they fail. When we let them know that failure is simply a part of the journey and not the end of the world, they’ll spend less time beating themselves up for it and more time learning from their mistakes. Self-empathy and self-compassion are tremendous assets to our lives.

Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness. A wise space holder knows when to withhold guidance (ie. when it makes a person feel foolish and inadequate) and when to offer it gently (ie. when a person asks for it or is too lost to know what to ask for). This is a careful dance that we all must do when we hold space for other people. Recognizing the areas in which they feel most vulnerable and incapable and offering the right kind of help without shaming them takes practice and humility.

Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. When people feel that they are held in a deeper way than they are used to, they feel safe enough to allow complex emotions to surface that might normally remain hidden. Someone who is practiced at holding space knows that this can happen and will be prepared to hold it in a gentle, supportive, and nonjudgmental way.

The space is where people feel safe enough to fall apart without fearing that this will leave them permanently broken or that they will be shamed by others in the room. Someone is always there to offer strength and courage. This is not easy work, and it is work that I continue to learn about as I host increasingly more challenging conversations. We cannot do it if we are overly emotional ourselves, if we haven’t done the hard work of looking into our own shadow, or if we don’t trust the people we are holding space for.

Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. Holding space is about respecting each person’s differences and recognizing that those differences may lead to them making choices that we would not make. Sometimes, for example, they make choices based on cultural norms that we can’t understand from within our own experience. When we hold space, we release control and we honor differences.

Holding space is not something that we can master overnight, or that can be adequately addressed in a list of tips like the ones I’ve just offered. It’s a complex practice that evolves as we practice it, and it is unique to each person and each situation.

Holding space means to be with someone without judgment. To donate your ears and heart without wanting anything back. To practice empathy and compassion. To accept someone’s truth, no matter what they are. To allow and accept. Embrace with two hands instead of pointing with one finger. To come in neutral. Open. For them. Not you. Holding space means to put your needs and opinions aside and allow someone to just be. Her. Self! XxOo :)

Own Your Behaviours, Master Your Communication, Determine Your Success | Louise Evans | TEDxGenova

https://youtu.be/4BZuWrdC-9Q

Practical, Science-Based Steps to Heal from an Affair

Working through an affair is tough. It takes tremendous energy and vulnerability on both sides. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have developed the Trust Revival Method, with three defined stages of treatment: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. The effectiveness of this model is being studied in a randomized clinical trial.

I’ve watched hundreds of couples try this method, and I’ve learned a few practical things about effective treatment along the way. To provide clarity, let’s use names: Jennifer and Sam are married, and Jennifer had an affair with Anthony.

Seek couples therapy, not just individual counseling

Trust is an obvious issue, and is vital to regain. But if both partners are committed to reconciling the marriage, or at least to try, then seeing a couples therapist together is most helpful. Individual therapy doesn’t help regain this trust and may only make healing more complicated. Enough secrets have been kept. Even if Jennifer is talking about the love she had for Anthony, it’s important that Sam regain his role as confidante, and it’s even more important that Jennifer be completely transparent about what happened.

Often, people who engage in an affair will balk at the idea of sharing with their spouse their struggles with letting go of their lover. The most important point? To move ahead, Sam needs to actively hear and believe that Jennifer is choosing him and their marriage.

Realize that the “truth” rarely comes out all at once

This is a tough one. Those who have had an affair, whether they’ve been caught or whether they’ve actually come forward, rarely tell the whole story initially. In this case, Jennifer will either feel guilty and extremely protective of Sam, not wanting to hurt him anymore, or she’ll be protective of Anthony. Or both.

The latter reason may likely infuriate Sam. But it’s part of the process. The “story” usually emerges slowly, even though Sam might want the truth and all of the truth right away. Jennifer may not be able to do that. Remember, she’s now committed to the marriage, and more than likely fears Sam’s reaction — that “too much too soon” may blow up in her face.

When this occurs, it’s very easy for the hurt partner to view this as more intentional deceit, which many betrayed people say is just as difficult to work through than any sexual or emotional indiscretion. The therapist needs to guide the couple carefully through the betrayer’s tangle of self-protection or protection of a lover and the defensiveness and shame that comes with it, as well as the betrayed’s desperately wanting and deserving “the absolute truth” and the sadness, rage, and fear that accompanies it.

All of this lies in the Atonement phase — a working through of anger, fear, guilt, and shame. It’s a tightrope that has to be walked very carefully, and with as much openness as possible.

The problems in the relationship did not cause the affair but are important to change

Jennifer is totally responsible for going outside the marriage to get her needs met. That is clear. But affairs happen in contexts. And that context is Jennifer and Sam’s marriage.

Sam and Jennifer will want to create a fresh, enlivened relationship where both can recommit and leave behind the relationship that was not working. The task is to learn new skills and new ways of communicating so both can feel better about their marriage. They’re not going back — they’re going forward. They’re starting marriage #2.

If Jennifer is adamant about blaming the marriage and only the marriage, that’s not a good sign. In Gottman terms, she’d be stuck in the barn with the Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse and not moving forward. The same would be evident if Sam insisted that the marriage had been great with absolutely nothing amiss or broken. Both would be locked in defensiveness and contempt.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman teach that talking about the context of the marriage doesn’t belong in the “Atonement” process, but belongs in the second “Attunement” phase of treatment. This may be easier said than done. I’ve found that as long as distinctions are being made, and very clear boundaries are formed — that nothing happened in the marriage to cause the betrayer to betray — that both can be discussed. However, it’s far better to keep them clear from one another, if possible.

Give structure to communication about the affair

Dr. Shirley Glass points out in her book Not Just Friends that the betrayed partner often fits criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, with their emotional well-being heavily threatened and a sense of safety having disappeared from the marriage. It’s important to structure the sessions to help the betrayed work through that trauma, as slowly as is needed, and not amplify symptoms like hypervigilance, nightmares, or flashbacks.

And, in all seriousness, this process can’t happen quickly enough for the betrayer nor slow enough for the betrayed.

Jennifer’s job is evident. She must cut ties with Anthony. She needs to provide whatever information Sam needs to help him heal. Most people seem to want a lot of information, often coming in with pages of questions.

If Jennifer is reticent to proactively offer openness to what used to be more private choices (cell phone or social media account passwords, for example), that may be a signal that the hurtful impact of the affair is still not understood, or the betrayer has not fully taken responsibility. At that point, work directed at the betrayer, to try to understand their balking — whether it’s an issue still with the affair, or is it some other individual trait, such as a struggle with control — is vital for the therapeutic process to go forward.

It is best if the couple can wait and only talk about the affair in the therapist’s office. But some people just can’t wait, so we would suggest that they limit, perhaps even by strictly scheduling, the time that they talk about it. Each would need to agree that they will refrain from using the four horsemen during those conversations. This structure helps prevent emotional explosions or from the affair gaining any more power than it already has, while also honoring the need for healing.

The affair will be on everyone’s mind. But it’s got to be fenced in to some degree. You are looking for new information to use for recommitment.

People in Sam’s role can sometimes get lost in the details, wanting to know everything about the affair. For example, asking if Jennifer loved Anthony, or why she was attracted to him, may be important details for Sam to know. But Drs. John and Julie Gottman would suggest that he, and others like him, need to be careful, again recalling Dr. Glass’ admonitions concerning PTSD. He runs the risk of becoming re-traumatized by the revelation of intimate details, such as where the affair happened and what the sex was like. He can become obsessive, requesting too much information. Yet if not enough is asked and absorbed, it can lead to later regret.

What’s the goal here? Sam finally says to himself, “You know, I just don’t need to ask that question. I’ve asked all I need to ask. I’m okay with not knowing.”

Realize the need for trust travels in both directions

The last thing that Jennifer wants to realize is that 10 or 15 years down the road, Sam says, “You know, I never really forgave you for that affair. I want a divorce.” Or he might never say those words, and simply act it out passive-aggressively.

That is very sad. Couples have come to me years after doing therapy for an affair. There has been no true stage of reconciliation that Drs. John and Julie Gottman would call “Attachment.” The unforgiving spouse remains bitter, but may try to hide it. The unforgiven feels a loneliness that he or she doesn’t understand; it may be that everything “looks” fine, but underneath there is still distrust, blame, or anger.

Sam should take on the responsibility of giving reassurance to Jennifer that trust is building. He can say things sincerely, such as, “I wanted to text and ask you to take a picture of where you were at 10:00 last night when you were out of town, but I realized I didn’t need to. I’m past that.”

Jennifer can begin to feel hopeless if not given this information, or that her efforts are not being recognized. Both need to deeply understand and believe that the other is on board for a new commitment, that they both have chosen to remain, and are working on a new relationship dynamic that outshines their previous connection.

The process of healing from an affair takes time. Like all grief, it comes in waves. One day, it will seem like it happened a long time ago. The next? Either Jennifer or Sam can get triggered, and emotions will feel once again very raw.

Learning new skills of communicating about conflict, rebuilding trust, rekindling physical and sexual connection, giving time and attention to how the problems have affected the children or other family members — all of that can happen with time and energy.

There are many variations to the above. Such are the complications of being human.

The good news? It can be accomplished, and the commitment can be richer than ever. Not because of the affair, but because of the work done to make marriage #2 better than marriage #1 ever was.

Rewiring the Brain

Rewiring the Brain

For generations, our brains have been wired to think in terms of right and wrong. And, we've been programmed to judge, diagnose, correct, and a myriad of other behaviors that as Marshall says, "prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect emphatically with others."

Practice in NVC includes rewiring our brain so these behaviors are no longer automatic:

• Advising: "I think you should ..."

• Consoling: "You did the best you could ..."

• Correcting: "That's not what I heard ..."

• Educating: "This could really be positive if you would only ..."

• Explaining: "I would have e-mailed but ..."

• Interrogating: "When did you start feeling that way?"

• One-upping: "Well it was worse for me."

• Shutting down: "Don't feel so bad."

• Storytelling: "That reminds me of when ..."

• Sympathizing: "Oh, you poor thing!"

Responses such as these are so ingrained from our cultural and societal upbringing that we must be committed to empathetic listening to bypass the hard wiring in our brain.

It's not to say that any of these behaviors are wrong -- in fact, sometimes advice or sympathy is exactly what's requested. Rather, we need to recognize when our response is automatic, or deliberate and consistent with what's requested. We also need to be forgiving of ourselves as we learn NVC, knowing that the rewards of empathic listening are worth the steep learning curve.

Mindful Practice for the Week

Do you recognize any of the above behaviors as a regular part of your conversation? See if next time you can take a deep breath make a more compassionate choice. Enjoy your week!

Wanting to Contribute

Your friend comes over to tell you about a recent upsetting incident. By the end of the story, with clenched fists and tears in her eyes, she says, "I just don't know what to do!"

Since she's a friend, you probably want to contribute in some way. Isn't that what friendship is about? She did end with "I just don't know what to do!"

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg says, "It's often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or 'fix-it' advice. Believing we have to 'fix' situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present."

To contribute the best gift you can to your friend, remember the components of NVC. Listen for what she observed. Pay attention to body clues and words that offer feelings. Even if she doesn't specifically say what she needs, see if you can find a need inside her words. But most importantly, listen, listen and listen.

When you follow the cues of the person speaking to emphatically connect to their feelings and needs, you'll be surprised how much more of a meaningful contribution your presence can make.

Mindful Practice for the Week

This week, be aware of the times you want to "fix the problem" or make someone "feel better." Take a deep breath and engage in empathic listening instead. Enjoy your week!

Learn A Quick Coherence Technique

What does coherence mean? At the HeartMath Institute (HMI), when we refer to coherence, we are talking about a mental, emotional and physical state – where the mind, heart and nervous system align and function in a higher degree of balance and harmony.

HMI’s scientists have spent years researching the state of coherence. Two of our key findings are found in the answers to two important questions. 

What does coherence mean to you?Each individual’s coherence is tied to the myriad processes that make us who we are – cardiac, brain, nervous, hormonal and immune systems, among others. Although these processes and their subsystems function independently, they do synchronize with each other.

As HMI Director of Research Dr. Rollin McCraty puts it, "Coherence is the energetic alignment and cooperation of all of our systems."

Simply said, when we are in coherence, we perform at our best – athletes might call it being in ‘the zone;’others may refer to it as being in the flow or feeling in sync. When we’re in a coherent state – we feel good and we’re in balance. 

Measuring Your CoherenceYour coherence level typically provides a window into your mental, emotional and physical health. Ask yourself: 

•Is my heart and brain communicating optimally? •How attuned is my intuition? •Do I anger easily and find it hard to move on? •How reliable and effective are my decision-making skills when I need them? 

All of these can be good indicators of your coherence level, but scientists have an even more precise measure: heart rate variability (HRV).

Heart rate variability refers to the beat-to-beat changes in your heart rhythms. By viewing your heart rhythms with an electrocardiograph or other heart-monitoring device such as HeartMath’s coherence-building emWave® technology, you can detect your level of coherence.

Low HRV, typically less ordered or unbalanced heart rhythms, indicates low coherence and probably more negative answers to questions like those above.

High HRV is indicative of more ordered, balanced rhythms and a greater likelihood of optimal heart-brain communication, stronger access to intuition, good energy levels, etc. 

Can you influence your coherence level?YES! The other key finding about coherence is that you can actually raise it – intentionally.

A simple but highly effective method of raising your coherence, one that anyone can learn, is to intentionally replace negative emotions with positive ones. This is called emotion self-regulation.

Positive emotions such as appreciation, caring and compassion generate coherent heart-rhythm patterns and help move us into greater coherence. Using HMI’s simple Quick Coherence Technique, you can move from in-coherence into greater coherence. Click to learn the Quick Coherence® Technique. 

Take care, and happy coherence building!

8 Dates!

THE RESEARCH IS CLEAR: COUPLES WHO GO ON A WEEKLY DATE HAVE BETTER RELATIONSHIPS.…

That’s why John and Julie Gottman wrote Eight Dates. But reading the book isn’t enough on its own. You actually have to go on the dates and have the experiences, conversations, and follow-up sessions.

The Eight Dates Challenge was designed to help you do that.

The challenge includes:

• Eight weekly emails guiding you through each date

• Bonus downloadable handouts

• Text/ Email/ Telehealth/ Virtual Visits also available with Elizabeth Mahaney

It’s more than just a challenge to go on eight dates. It’s a challenge to reclaim date night in your relationship.

Book an appointment and notate EIGHT DATES to start the challenge! www.southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Looking forward to meeting you both!

XxOo Liz

Text or call me: 813-240-3237

John Gottman and Brené Brown on Running Headlong Into Heartbreak

To a seasoned couples therapist, the telltale signs of a relationship in crisis are universal. While every marriage is unique, with distinct memories and stories that capture its essence, how it looks at its core, the anatomy so-to-speak, adheres to certain truths. The bones of love, what builds trust (and breaks it), what fosters connection (and disconnection) we have widely come to understand through the work of Dr. John Gottman.

Gottman, renowned for his research on marital stability and demise, and recognized as one of the ten most influential psychotherapists of the past quarter-century, has at this stage of his career amassed over 40 years of research with 3,000 participants. The quality and breadth of his studies are recognized as some of the finest and most exemplary data we have to date, and serve as an underpinning for how we understand what makes love work.

Enter Brené Brown, a self-described researcher, storyteller, and Texan. She’s gritty and funny, and like Gottman, a formidable researcher. Over the past two decades, Brown has studied shame, vulnerability, courage, and empathy. She’s published five New York Times #1 bestsellers, and over 40 million people have viewed her TED Talk on vulnerability. Her passion for living a wholehearted life is contagious and convincing. Her research has confirmed a core human need to belong and connect, and at a time when many of us are feeling the absence of such, she’s tapping a deep well—inspiring a tribe of the wholehearted, people committed to practicing shame-resilience, Daring Greatly, and embracing vulnerability.

Gottman coined the term “Masters of marriage” to describe the couples in his research whose relationships not only endure, but thrive. These are people who cultivate trust, commitment, responsiveness, and an ability to cherish their partner’s feelings throughout a lifetime. Brown speaks of the “wholehearted” individuals who engage their lives from a place of worthiness. They cultivate courage, compassion, and connection. Both groups, the masters of marriage and the wholehearted, display a host of traits that we now know are associated with health and thriving.

Having had the good fortune to train in both the Gottman Method and The Daring Way® (an experiential methodology based on the research of Brené Brown), I cannot help but wonder, what life would be like if we could take our cues from the masters of marriage and the wholehearted? How might this shape who we are as individuals in a partnership? What might the ripple effects be to our children and society at large if we aspire to love as Gottman and Brown are suggesting?

The implications of following in the footsteps of the masters and the wholehearted are huge. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the most extensive study of its kind, has taught us three things. First, that loneliness can kill as surely as smoking or alcoholism, and that when we are connected, we live longer and healthier lives. Second, the quality of our relationships matter. It’s not the number of friends we have, or whether or not we are in a committed relationship that predicts thriving. Being in a high-conflict marriage is bad for one’s health. It is worse than divorce. Third, good relationships don’t just protect our health. They protect our mind. Memory loss and cognitive decline are more prevalent in lives permeated by conflict and disconnection.

And if that is not compelling enough, Brown’s research on the implications of shame paints a similarly grim picture, depicting shame as correlated with loneliness, depression, suicidality, abuse, trauma, bullying, addiction, and anxiety.

So while love may not heal all wounds, it is undoubtedly a panacea for preventing them.

Gottman and Brown give us a map—a macro perspective of the wilderness of our hearts, and the wildness of love. It’s a rocky path, fraught with challenges and risk. But vulnerability is inherent in any stance that places courage above comfort. And should we decide to follow it, the destination it promises to take us to is nothing short of awe-inspiring.

The paradox of trust 

Gottman, in his book The Science of Trust, astutely asserts that loneliness is (in part) the inability to trust. And sadly, the failure to trust tends to perpetuate itself. For when we don’t trust, over time, we become less able to read other people and deficient in empathy. He states, “Lonely people are caught in a spiral that keeps them away from others, partly because they withdraw to avoid the potential hurt that could occur from trusting the wrong person. So they trust nobody, even the trustworthy.” 

According to both researchers, it’s the small interactions rather than grand gestures that build trust and break it. “Sliding door moments,” as Gottman calls them, are the seemingly inconsequential day-to-day interactions we have over breakfast, while riding in the car, or standing in the kitchen at 9 p.m. Within each act of communication, there is an opportunity to build a connection. And when we don’t seize it, an insidious erosion of trust ensues, slowly overtime.

Our relationships do not die from one swift blow. They die from the thousand tiny cuts that precede it.

But choosing to trust is all about tolerance for risk, and our histories (both in childhood and with our partners) can inform how much we are willing to gamble. Brown speaks to the paradox of trust: we must risk vulnerability in order to build trust, and simultaneously, it is the building of trust that inspires vulnerability. And she recommends cultivating a delicate balance, one where we are generous in our assumptions of others and simultaneously able to set firm boundaries as a means to afford such generosity—being soft and tough at the same time, no small feat. 

When our stories write us

According to Gottman, the final harbinger of a relationship ending is in how couples recall memories and the stories they tell. Memories, it turns out, are not static. They evolve, change, and are a living work-in-progress. When a relationship is nearing its end, at least one person is likely to carry a story inside themselves that no longer recollects the warm feelings they once had for their partner. 

Instead, a new narrative evolves, maximizing their partner’s negative traits, and quite likely, minimizing their own. “Self-righteous indignation” as Gottman aptly refers to it is a subtle form of contempt and is sulfuric acid for love. This story, laced with blame and bad memories, is the strongest indicator of an impending breakup or divorce.

But, as Brown cautions, “We are meaning-making machines wired for survival. Anytime something bad happens, we scramble to make up a story, and our brain does not care if the story is right or wrong, and most likely, it is wrong.” She points out that in research when a story has limited data points, it is a conspiracy, and a lie told honestly is a confabulation. 

In social psychology, this pre-wired bias is referred to as the fundamental attribution error (FAE). The FAE speaks to our tendency to believe that others do bad things because they are bad people, and to ignore evidence to the contrary while simultaneously having a blind spot that allows us to minimize or overlook what our behaviors say about our character. In short, we are partial to giving ourselves a pass while not extending the same generosity to others.

When our minds trick us into believing we know what our partner’s intentions, feelings, and motives are we enter a very dark wood—one where we truly can no longer see the forest for the trees. The ramifications of this are significant because the stories we tell ourselves dictate how we treat people.  

In portraying ourselves as a hero or victim, we no longer ally with the relationship, but rather, armor up and see our partner as the enemy. And if memory is malleable, and we’re prone to spinning conspiracies and confabulations, there is a strong likelihood that we run the risk of hurting ourselves and those we love in assuming this stance.

Acknowledging our tendencies towards mishaps and misperceptions is not easy. It requires a certain humility, grace, and intentionality. But as Stan Tatkin points out in his TED talk, Relationships are Hard, “We are mostly misunderstanding each other much of the time, and if we assume our communication, memory, and perception is the real truth, that is hubris.”

The wholehearted and masters of marriage bypass such hubris and navigate the terrain of relationships differently than those who get lost in the wood. If we want our relationships and quality of life to thrive, it’s essential we take our cues from them and cultivate new habits.

Embracing emotions (and the suck)

To do so, we must first expand our emotional repertoire to include a wide range of feelings, not just our go-to ones. “Emotion-embracing,” as Gottman calls it, is a central building block for healthy relationships. We are aiming for what Pixar’s Inside Out so brilliantly depicts: inviting sadness, joy, anger, disgust, and fear all to the table. 

Put simply, Brown suggests we “embrace the suck,” stating that the wholehearted demonstrate a capacity to recognize when they’re emotionally ensnared and get curious about their feelings and perceptions. 

Both Gottman and Brown draw on the Stone Center’s Strategies of Disconnection, which propose that people respond in one of three ways when hurt: by moving away, moving toward, or moving against that which feels painful. And what I find interesting is that while Gottman advocates for turning toward your partner when injured, and Brown speaks more to leaning into (and getting curious about) our own uncomfortable emotions, both are emotion-embracing and courageous stances that emphasize mutuality over individualism.

Unfortunately, most of us are not taught as children to embrace painful feelings. It’s counterintuitive and goes against our neurobiological wiring. If we have a traumatic history, all the more so. And our society by-and-large is an emotion-dismissing culture. But as Brown cautions, there’s a price to pay when we selectively numb emotions: when we numb our painful feelings, we also numb our positive ones. So, if we want the good things in life (and I think most of us want the good things), then it’s a package deal. 

Running toward heartbreak

If the most significant indicator that a relationship has reached a tipping point is a rewritten story devoid of fond memories, then it stands to reason that a narrative free from blame, interwoven with curiosity and even goodwill is indicative of love that will last. Therefore, one of the central tasks of any healthy relationship is to co-create stories from a lens of “we” versus “me.”

It involves little (and big) reckonings as Brown calls them, sliding door moments where we pause long enough to reflect and ask ourselves (and each other), “What is going on right now?” Together, we cultivate a broader understanding of a disagreement or hurt feelings, one not possible when left alone in our heads to spin narratives that defend our most vulnerable parts and simultaneously ensure that we will go to our grave more swiftly, lonely, and armored.

When I reflect on the lessons of Gottman and Brown, one concept stands out: we must run headlong into heartbreak because there are things far worse than having our hearts broken. Such as the harm we inflict on our loved ones when we disown pain and transmit it onto them. And the legacy of trauma that ripples into our children’s hearts and the generations to come—veiling us in a seemingly impermeable barrier to vulnerability and all the fruits that go with it.

And let us not forget the Harvard Study of Adult Development and the toll that a conflict-laden life combined with emotion-dismissing has on our health.

Yes, running headlong into heartbreak is running directly into vulnerability. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. But, as Brown reminds us, vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. 

Should we choose this path, there will be moments (likely many) where we find ourselves facedown in the dirt because the road to wholeheartedness guarantees we will get our hearts broken—again and again. But, in choosing to embrace heartbreak, we empower ourselves to experience the myriad of ways love manifests itself and the beauty life affords us. In the end, it’s not a question of if we will experience heartbreak but of how.

What will you choose?

https://www.gottman.com/blog/john-gottman-and-brene-brown-on-running-headlong-into-heartbreak/

Ten Steps that Transform Anger into Compassionate Connection

Introduction

Practicing Nonviolent Communication guides us to reframe the way we listen to others and express ourselves by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, needing and what we are requesting to enrich our lives. In this context the word need defines those basic human needs we all share. The following is an abbreviated list of universal human needs as defined in Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (PuddleDancer Press, 1999):

• Autonomy

• Celebration

• Integrity

• Interdependence

• Physical nurturing

• Play

• Spiritual communion

As we learn to focus our attention on how we can meet these needs we can begin to connect at that place within us where we are all essentially the same. This process helps us cultivate deep listening, respect, and empathy, which engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart, and allows our natural compassion to flourish.

The 10 Steps

When we feel angry, three things are happening. 1) We are upset because we are not getting our needs met. 2) We are blaming someone or something else for not getting what we want. 3) We are about to speak or act in such a way that will almost guarantee we will not get what we need, or that we will later regret.

When we are angry, we focus almost completely on what we don't want and our thinking is caught up in images of the wrongness of others that are involved. We have lost sight of what we really do want and need.

Using the following steps you will learn how to change this pattern and connect with the life-serving purpose of anger. You will discover where anger comes from and learn how to express it in ways that meet both your needs and the needs of others. Use these steps for re-focusing your attention during an angry conflict and learn to create outcomes that are satisfying for everyone involved.

Step 1: Think of anger as a red light on your dashboard.

Anger is like a warning light on your car's dashboard and if you attend to it promptly you're more likely to get where you want to go. Remember, when dealing with anger that the goal is not just to "turn off the red light". Anger can be a wonderful wake-up call to help you understand what you need and what you value. Like warning lights and gauges, your emotions and the felt-sense in your body are there to help you understand which of your needs are being met, or are not being met.

So, when tempers flare or violence looms, it helps to remember that you can make life enjoyable for yourself and others if you focus your attention on what you need and put aside any ideas of the other as "wrong" or images of them as the "enemy." Make it your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution so satisfying that everyone involved has their needs met also.

Step 2: Look clearly at what happened.

Have you ever asked people what they are angry about? Most likely, they told you that someone said or did something wrong. One example might be an executive saying, "He's unprofessional! He ruined the presentation! He was disrespectful to everyone in the meeting!" Such statements say very little about what really happened. In this step you want to be like a detective, you want "Just the facts." Notice the difference in the quality of information in the previous statements and the following. The executive might have said, "He arrived twenty minutes later than the scheduled start time, and brought coffee-stained handouts."

In this step you take a clear look at what you are reacting to. When you can objectively describe what happened you are more likely to be clear about what you need. Other people are less likely to respond defensively because they can more easily agree with what you've said. So, the second step in dealing with a charged situation is to be able to state a clear observation of the situation itself.

Statements from an angry spouse such as: "You insulted me!" "You're a control freak!" "You're always trying to manipulate me!" imply wrongness, but they don't describe what actually happened. With the aim of making a clear observation you ask yourself, "What would a video camera have recorded?" With this perspective you might be able to describe the situation very differently. "I heard you say I'm a lazy slob." "You said you wouldn't go out with me unless I wore the red dress." "You said I always wear clothes that are out of style." Once you can clearly describe what you are reacting to, free of your interpretation or evaluation of it, other people are less likely to be defensive when they hear it.

Step 3: Take responsibility for how you feel.

Anger is also a signal that you've been distracted by judgmental or punitive thinking and that some precious need of yours is being ignored. Use your anger to remind yourself to stop, look under your hood and into your heart to find out what needs attention.

When your car's water temperature gauge is in the red, your engine's need for cooling is not being met. When your car's battery warning light is off, your charging system is doing fine. Like these indicators, your emotions and the felt-sense in your body are very powerful and accurate indicators of the conditions under your personal hood. They are designed to tell you very quickly and clearly, in each moment, which of your needs are not being met, or are being met.

Keep in mind that other people's actions can never "make" you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators. Your feelings always result from whether or not your needs are being met. Anger results from focusing your attention on what another person "should" or "shouldn't" do and judging them as "wrong" or "bad." As your attention shifts to identifying which of your needs aren't being satisfied in a situation, your feelings will shift also. When you discover that you didn't receive treatment that met your need for respect, you might feel hurt, or scared, or disappointed - but without "should" thinking and judgments of others as "wrong" you won't feel angry.

When your feelings have served their purpose - when your attention is fully focused on your needs and values - then anger melts away. This transformation is not the same as repression, and it's not the same as "calming down." The emotions you feel when you are in touch with your needs may be intense and may be very painful - but they will be different emotions than anger.

Step 4: "Name the blame" and get clear about what you feel.

In our culture most of us have been trained to ignore our own wants and to discount our needs. We've been called selfish for "wanting" and "needy" when we voice our deepest yearnings. But the fact is, everybody has needs, all the time. Every human being needs respect. Everyone needs nourishment, harmony, self-expression, and love (to name a few basic human needs). The only humans who don't have needs are dead.

When you're angry you are likely to have "blame thinking" going on in your head. Inside of "blame thinking" you have emotions and these are caused by unmet needs. When you can get conscious of your "blame statement" you can begin to explore your feelings and use these feelings to get clear about which of your needs are going unmet.

Every minute, every one of us
is alive with needs and values,
seeking expression.

For example, if your blame statement was, "She's always insulting me!" what emotion or body sense would you feel? Would you feel tense, scared, sad, anxious, confused? Naming our feelings is not as easy as it sounds! As a society we are trained to mix our evaluation with our feelings and this is what gives rise to "blame statements" in the first place. Separating your feelings from your judgment of others is an important part of getting clear about your needs and moving into action to get them met. You can use the feelings inventory in chapter four of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication to develop your vocabulary of feelings and learn how these feelings relate to your needs.

Step 5: Determine your need.

"Wait a minute, my reliability warning light is on!" The executive who thought the employee "ruined the presentation" remembered that his anger was just a warning. When he looked underneath his anger, translated his judgments and discovered his underlying needs, he realized that he values reliability, integrity, and trust very highly. Focusing on these needs brought a shift in the executive's state of mind. His anger dissolved. Instead, once in touch with these unmet needs, the executive felt worry and a pang of disappointment.

Even the harshest labels like "psychopath" are just veiled expressions of unmet needs. When a person calls someone a psychopath, it's tragic expression of his or her needs, possibly for predictability, trust, or safety. Tragic because the very act of calling someone a psychopath almost guarantees that the underlying needs will continue to go undiscovered, unexpressed, and unmet.

The beauty of being able to correctly interpret your feelings as warning signals is that once you discover what you need, you are back in a powerful position to act toward getting your need met! You can use the human needs inventory in chapter five of Nonviolent Communication to develop your vocabulary of needs.

Having named your need, spend a while really noticing how important reliability is to you, how you yearn for it, how much more satisfying life is when that need is satisfied.

You're Half Way There!

In the previous steps you've explored how you are. In Step 2, you took a more accurate look at what the other person did. In Step 3, you took responsibility for your feelings, and in Step 4, you took ownership of your thinking and began looking underneath at your natural feelings and needs. You chose to use your thinking powerfully, as a way to clarify what you value. In Step 5, you experience a fuller sense of self because you've gotten in touch with your needs.

In the following steps you will explore who can do what so everyone's needs will be met. With Step 6, you begin to envision actions that are in harmony with meeting those needs.

Step 6: Find the do behind the don't

When they are angry, people often focus on the behavior that they want the other person to stop. But this is similar to wanting your car to stop overheating. You can want your car to stop overheating but you're stuck with a car that overheats until you identify what needs to be fixed and take the actions needed to fix it.

The executive in the previous example may identify that he needs greater trust and reliability when it comes to presentations being made on time and with materials he enjoys using. If he has been trained the way most of us have, he may be tempted to think he wants to tell the other person, "Don't show up late and don't bring coffee stained handouts." The problem is that the person may not show up at all rather than being late, or show up without handouts rather than soiled ones.

He is much more likely to get his needs met if he can come to an agreement around a "positive" request that states clearly what actions would meet his needs. For example, "Would you agree to call me 30 minutes before the meeting so I know you will be on time and put the handouts in a protective envelope as soon as they are copied?" Place your focus on what you do want, not on what you don't want.

Step 7: Think of a clear action request.

Earlier, you saw that angry people think they're angry because other people made them angry. Now you harness the power to undo this misconception and focus on the power you, and others have - the power to deliberately make life more wonderful through the use of a "present tense" request.

"I want you to be reliable" is not a clear and doable request. In this step, the idea is to envision the other person doing or saying something right now that is in harmony with your desire and likely to meet your need. Ask yourself, "Right now, what could the other person say or do to honor my needs?"

For instance, a man passed over for a long expected promotion was keenly aware of his unmet needs for recognition and respect. He had already gotten clear about how to say what had happened, his feelings about it, and his needs. Only then did he consider making a very clear "positive action" request. He decided that the following would be a good beginning request for the dialogue he wanted to have with his boss: "Would you review at least two projects with me that I completed this year, and that you believe improved the company's market position?"

The man realized that his request was a "future request" and to really stay connected with his boss he wanted to make a "present action" request. To do this the man asked himself what action his boss could take in the moment he made his request.

He figured out two requests that his boss could respond to right now. The first was starting with, "Would you agree to..." This creates an agreement in this moment to do something in the future. It is something the other person can respond to immediately. He also added, "...within the next week". This request creates a definite time period during which the agreed upon action will take place. Now the complete request is positive in action language and in time. "Would you agree to review with me, within the next week, at least two projects that I completed this year, and that you believe improved the company's market position?"

Step 8: Name their feelings and needs.

Just like coins, every situation has at least two sides. If you really want to reliably meet your own needs, it is important to make sure that the other person's needs are met as well. This step is about demonstrating your understanding that your needs can never be fully met at someone else's expense. It is about shining the light of awareness on your own feelings, needs and requests and also shining it on people in your life as well.

Use steps 2 through 7 to guess in your mind what the other person is experiencing. The essential element is to guess without worrying about guessing accurately. This is your best attempt to imagine what the other person desires, what the other person needs when they are acting as they do.

Remember, you haven't started talking yet. You're thinking hard, but you haven't yet spoken to the other person.

So guess at their feelings. Translate the statement, "He's compulsive!" into what you imagine the other person does want. For example, maybe they crave beauty and order (and that's why they're after you to pick up the dirty socks on the floor), or maybe they are yearning to be nurtured, cared for, or loved (and that's why they complain about you spending time with your friends). At this point, even though you are not talking to the other person yet, you are seeing the person differently. You are replacing your "enemy" image of the other person with a vision of something beautiful and sweet - the vision of a human being with needs, who seeks to make life more enjoyable by satisfying those needs.

Step 9: Decide whose need you will talk about first.

Think big. Enjoy imagining that everybody's needs will be understood and honored - no one will "win" at someone else's expense. The process is complete only after both people have been heard and understood and walk away satisfied. You're not yet done when only one person has been heard and understood.

Only one person, however, can be heard at a time. So, now you ask yourself the following questions to determine who will be speak first and who will listen first. Do you want to express how you are and invite the other person's understanding? Or do you want to extend your understanding to the other person first? Who is in the greatest distress? Who has the greatest clarity? Consider what happens when the person with greater clarity chooses to focuses their attention first on hearing the feelings and needs of the person in greatest distress. Being heard in this way the other person will most likely experience relief and clarity, and be more willing to consider your needs.

Either way, you are the one focusing the light of awareness during the conversation. You will be the one who will focus on feelings, needs and values, and determining whose needs to explore first. If you choose to express, you'll be revealing your feelings, needs and requests, which you identified earlier. If you choose to receive, you'll invite the other person to reveal their feelings, needs and requests, which you guessed about in the previous step.

Step 10: Now start talking.

Ask yourself the following questions before you begin talking: Are you clear about what you're reacting to? Are you in touch with your feelings and needs? Do you have a hunch about the other person's feelings, needs and values? Do you know what you want to have happen next? Okay, now's the time to talk! Here are some suggestions about what to say (and what not to say).

First, don't say anything from Step 3. This is the blameful thinking that fueled the anger in the first place. Instead, stick to Step 2 and state a clear observation. ("I have been thinking about how you spend three nights a week with your friends.") Then jump to Step 4 and be open about how you are feeling. Remember to choose a feeling that comes from the heart or a body sensation like, "I feel lonely and sad." Watch out if you start by saying, "I feel that" or "I feel like you?" - remind yourself that what is likely to follow is analyzing or blaming, and that you are unlikely to get what you want by speaking this way. Remember: express emotions and body sensations, not analysis or blame.

Once you've named the feeling that replaced your anger when you got in touch with your needs, name your needs out loud. ("I realize I need more companionship than I'm getting.") Then make a request that invites a response from the other that will make life more fulfilling right now. ("Would you be willing to agree to spend every Tuesday and Saturday evening with me?")

The other person will also want understanding for their needs. But chances are, they won't have done all the internal work you just did. They will probably go straight to Step 3. They may be saying something out loud like, "You're so selfish, it's always about you isn't it?" Just the blameful sorts of things you've just refrained from saying to them! That's okay. You can handle it. Choose to empathically receive whatever they say. Move your attention to their feelings and needs. Guess what action they might like you to take. "So are you worried (feeling) about consideration for your needs (need) and want to know that I am willing to consider them as well (action)?"

Telling a person that you hear what they want is not the same as agreeing to do it. By hearing what they want, you make sure you understand clearly so you can let them know how you are about doing it. When you demonstrate that you really understand what they feel and need, you will be amazed how quickly they will trust that their needs are important to you, and as a result will be open to considering your needs in return. They are also likely to be more receptive to various strategies for meeting their needs.

So, let's recap.

In steps 1 through 3 you learned new ways of understanding and relating to feelings of anger.

In Step 1 you learned that anger is a valuable warning signal that tells you to stop and look under your "emotional hood" at your feelings and needs, and to begin to look for outcomes that would make life more satisfying.

In Step 2 you learned to identify "just the facts."

In Step 3 you learned that your feelings result from your needs being met, or not met, and are never the result of what another person does or doesn't do.In steps four through ten you practice new ways of relating to yourself and others.

In Step 4 you take ownership of your thinking and focus your attention on your feelings and needs.

In Step 5 you experience a fuller sense of self because you get in touch with your needs and realize that you can take positive action in meeting those needs.

In Step 6 and 7, you begin to envision positive actions that are in harmony with meeting your needs right now.

In Step 8 you refocus your awareness on the others involved, connect with their feelings and needs, and identify actions that might contribute to meeting their needs.

In Step 9 you choose who you would like to speak first, knowing that you can continue the dialog until everyone's needs are met through actions everyone is willing to take.

In Step 10, you finally put it all together and begin a dance of communication, where you take turns expressing how you are and receiving how the other person is. You stay focused on making clear requests and tuned in to how you feel about what is being requested of you. You continue to dance until everyone's needs are met through actions everyone agrees to take. Summing up.

Every minute, every one of us is alive with needs and values, seeking expression. You love to live in harmony with your values, and you love to contribute to others' experience of harmony, when you can do so with no element of coercion involved. Moment by moment, with honesty and empathy, you can meet your needs, and bring your values to life. Practicing these 10 Steps you truly can transform anger into compassionate connections.

Eight Dates Challenge!

The research is clear: couples who go on a weekly date have better relationships.

That’s why John and Julie Gottman wrote Eight Dates. But reading the book isn’t enough on its own. You actually have to go on the dates and have the experiences, conversations, and follow-up sessions.

The Eight Dates Challenge was designed to help you do that.

The challenge includes:

• Eight weekly emails guiding you through each date in the book

• Bonus downloadable handouts

• Text/ Telehealth/ Virtual Visits with Elizabeth Mahaney

It’s more than just a challenge to go on eight dates. It’s a challenge to reclaim date night in your relationship.

Book an appointment and notate EIGHT DATES to start the challenge! www.southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Looking forward to meeting you both!

XxOo Liz

Text or call me: 813-240-3237

Best Friends and Lovers

Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. In fact, a romantic relationship is really just “friendship plus nudity.”

And even though many people will say “I married my best friend,” it’s hard to think about what that looks like in practice.

What does friendship look like to you? How do you choose the people you stay friends with and how do you treat them?

Do the rules you apply to your friends also apply to your partner? For example, you might have a friend who is consistently 15 minutes late any time you get together and that’s “just the way they are.” Do you treat or regard their tardiness differently than your partner’s?

Friendships are a vital supplement to any romantic relationship, but it’s important not to forget to be a friend to your partner.

How can you be a better friend? How can you be the best friend?