Turning Toward vs Turning Away vs Turning Against

Turning Towards Instead of Away

Let’s say your eccentric uncle Kevin gives you $10,000 on your wedding day. The only catch is that you have to invest it for six years with one of two firms that Kevin suggests. Firm A is well respected on Wall Street for both its ethics and its returns, and most clients are very happy even with sometimes modest gains. Firm B guarantees they’ll squander your money and blame you for it. Which one would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, you get a diagnosis of a rare blood disease that usually kills its victims within six years. Your wacky aunt Cathy had that same disease and she knows of the only two doctors in the world that work with it. One doctor is actively doing research, testing new treatments, and curing patients with great success. The other is a drunk. Which doctor would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, the universe starts a giant egg timer set for six years. When the egg timer goes off, you’ll either be divorced or you won’t. You’ve heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but Kevin and Cathy know some tips that can increase your odds of making it. More importantly, they know of a single strategy that would virtually guarantee that you would divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know it?

Of course you would. You would invest with Firm A. You would choose the sober doctor. And you will do whatever it takes to ensure that you protected yourself from divorce. As it turns out, your aunt and uncle are onto something: there really is a secret.

As part of his research, Dr. Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing — the third level of the Sound Relationship House, Turn Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards.

I think this is a pretty incredible piece of data. It suggests that there is something you can today that will dramatically change the course of your relationship. More importantly, it suggests that there is something that you can not do that will lead to its demise. So, how do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.

Bids can get tricky, however, and admittedly I sometimes miss more bids than I don’t. Indeed many men struggle in this regard, so it’s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer – the true meaning behind the words. Call it the the difference between text and subtext. A few examples to get your brain going:

How do I look?Can I have your attention?

Let’s put the kids to bed.Can I have your help?

I talked to my sister today.Will you chat with me?

Did I tell you the one about…?Will you enjoy me?

Want to cuddle?Can I have your affection?

Want to play Cribbage?Will you play with me?

I had a terrible lunch meeting today.Will you help me destress?

To “miss” a bid is to “turn away.” Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else.

It is important that you learn to recognize bids and that you commit to making them to one another. Make the word “bids” part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It’s okay to say, “I’m making a bid for attention now” as you get to know each other in this early phase of your relationship. You can also practice discerning subtext together. Pick a show that is new to you both and watch it on mute. See if you can interpret the bids that the characters are making based only on non-verbals. Once you start to get intentional about your bids, you can concentrate on “turning towards.”

Turning towards starts with paying attention. Your work on bids will come in handy here. Simply recognizing that a bid has been made opens the door to response. If you’ve really been paying attention, you’ll respond to both the text and the subtext. As bids get more complicated, so will the nature of turning toward. For now, start simple. Take an inventory of the bids and turning in your relationship and share your responses with one another.

• What do I know about how I make bids?

• Could or should I get better at making bids? How?

• How good am I at recognizing the difference between text and subtext?

• What keeps me from making bids?

• What is my impulse for turning?

• Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?

• When it comes to turning towards, am I closer to 33% or 86%?

• What does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me?

• How can I get better at turning towards?

As you continue moving through life together, you will undoubtedly have to risk heading into more vulnerable territory. This will be easier if you’ve committed to building a solid friendship based on Building Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away. Your eccentric uncle Kevin and wacky aunt Cathy would be proud.

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

What "Turning Against' Really Means 

In our post on Monday, we discussed Dr. Gottman’s findings on the deeply destructive nature of “turning against” your partner’s bids. “Turning against” or “away” describes the behaviors in your interactions between you and your partner that, upon accumulation, categorically spell disaster for your relationship. Today, we would like to part the storm clouds a bit by offering you findings from Dr. Gottman’s research about the true causes of much of the behavior we described on Monday – the real reasons for which your partner may “turn against” you, lash out unexpectedly, or say things that they don’t really mean. We share this information with you in hopes that it will help you to learn the ways in which you can manage conflict constructively. We would like, in short, to offer you help in coping with the most trying interactions in your relationship.  

The first step in building the skills that Dr. Gottman teaches in his marital therapy is understanding – answering the question that may come up when such interactions unexpectedly throw themselves into your life – when your partner snaps at you out of nowhere. Dr. Gottman has discovered that there is an enormous difference between what you think your partner is saying when they “turn against” your bids and what their behavior’s cause usually is! Here is what Dr. Gottman has found “turning against”  says and what it actually means.

“Turning Against” Says:

• Your need for attention makes me angry.

• I feel hostile towards you.

• I don’t respect you.

• I don’t value you or this relationship.

• I want to hurt you.

• I want to drive you away.

“Turning Against” Usually Means: In a direct quote from Dr. Gottman himself, “Unlike ‘turning away’ responses, ‘turning against’ has a bite to it. It’s hard to hear such responses without thinking, ‘That’s mean’ or ‘That was uncalled for.’ Still, I doubt that most people who turn against their loved ones really intend to cause as much harm to their relationships as they do in these exchanges. Rather, they may simply have developed a personal style of relating that’s characteristically crabby or irritable.” Dr. Gottman’s research has revealed that such prickliness is often “the result of many factors, such as having too many demands on your time, not having enough peace of mind, or the lack of a satisfying purpose or direction for your life. Often it’s a spillover of self-criticism that has its origins in the distant past. The problem may also be biologically based irritability that is chemically related to depression.”

Whatever the source may be of your partner’s choice to “turn against” your bids for attention, affection, or support, it still hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a LOT. The build up of ignored bids can end up causing long-term problems in relationships. When your partner habitually responds to you by “turning against” your bids for connection, you feel that you can’t ask them for support and the two of you may drift apart entirely, because it feels impossible to sustain your relationship. Again, we have to stress: You are not alone! Hopefully understanding that the underlying causes for your partner’s behavior are rarely as malicious as they may feel, that what they say and what they mean are usually oceans apart, can help you to take these sudden attacks less personally. 

Of course, these words offer sparse comfort on their own – to understand is only the first step in the journey towards moving away from dangerous patterns of interaction. But it is a necessary first step. We will take you through the next steps (applying this new knowledge) in the next few weeks on The Gottman Relationship Blog. For more details, make sure to find a copy of Dr. Gottman’s bestselling books in a bookstore near you: The Relationship Cure, Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, and of course, his new book, What Makes Love Last!

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-turning-against-really-means/

The Art of Comprise and Core Needs

Core Needs Exercise

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” -Stephen Covey

 What is a Core Need?

A core need is something that you need to feel like yourself in any situation. When a core need is met you are able to be more present to what is actually happening, rather than being over-focused or desperate about that need. The desperation can be a symptom or a signal that a core need is not being met, and your mind is trying to address it by giving it your mental/emotional attention. 

Consider, for example, that you are taking a long hike in the hills and after a few miles you reach for your water bottle and it isn’t where you thought you put it. Your mind will be driven to search for it, because on this hike adequate hydration is a core need. If you can’t find the water bottle and the sun is bearing down on you, then most of your actions are going to be focused on getting that water to meet that core hydration need. It is going to bug you, compel you and drive you until you can address the water issue. Once the water core need is met, you will be able to continue the hike and be more present to the fuller experience of your surroundings.

Here is another example: You work hard all day with mental problems and when you arrive home, your head is still mulling over those problems. There is an argument with family members soon after you arrive home. When you step back and look at what is actually happening, you discover your head is still in work mode from the day while you are trying to connect with your family members. 

Therefore, you might have the core need of “transition time". To address that core need, one option might be a 30 minute buffer time to change clothes, acclimate to being home, and allow your head to power down from the flow of mental problem-solving.

Let us say you don’t get that buffer and you put yourself in the middle of the family. Most likely you will be pulled inside in two different directions: trying to disconnect mentally and emotionally from the work of the day and trying to connect in the present moment with the family. This often results in feelings of frustration and fights about things that usually are not stressful, because you are torn inside with competing interests. A 30-minute buffer and transition time--especially if the family understands your need and it makes sense to them--would make it more possible for you to “feel like yourself” at home and be more present to what is actually occurring there.

As you can see, core needs are by their nature inflexible: you NEED the water and you NEED your transition time or you will be hurting yourself physically and/or emotionally. 

So in working things out with others, it is best not to compromise a core need. You function best from where you are flexible. You may find that as you discuss the issue of work/home transitions with your family, that they each have a core need to be “greeted” when you arrive home. Since you would know you are going to get your transition time, you might be flexible to delay it a few minutes so you could check in on each member and say hello. If there is an agreement about your transition time—your family knows you need your 30 minutes and they are aware of the benefit when you have that time--they could encourage you and support you in taking that time after the greeting. Everybody wins with these agreements, and compromise does not sacrifice any core needs.

NOTE: Core Needs are more possible to identify when you are applying this process to an actual situation, such as: when I get home in the afternoon from work I need a transition time, rather than a generalized core need say, to get “respect.” It is more effective to explore the core need of “ respect” IN the situation of when you arrive home from work. Be as specific about a circumstance as possible and avoid generalizations and “always” and “never” narratives. 

____________________________________

This is the format for discovering core needs and flexible needs for each person in a relationship or just for your own insight into yourself.

Note:

• COMPROMISE happens in the FLEXIBLE NEEDS area of the circle. NOTE that there is a much larger circle for FLEXIBLE NEEDS than the CORE NEEDS. It is important to work to get the core needs circle as clear and accurate as possible.  CORE NEEDS content will be smaller than the flexible needs.  However, it may FEEL larger when trying to trick or convince someone to be flexible with a CORE NEED. This will create attention to the smaller circle and create a gridlock. 

• Understanding and discovery happens in the core needs. Not compromise. These are non-flexible. And if they are flexible and that is ok, then they are still important to you but are not core needs but flexible.

• Sometimes you think something is a core need and you may find upon discussion it is actually flexible. Sometimes you find a flexible need might be core as you get insight. Allow continuing understanding to happen as you work with this.

 It is often best to start learning this exercise using a very focused issue such as “where do we go on vacation’ or “what movie do we want to watch this weekend together.”  You can choose “our marriage,” as a focus but know that this is a broader focus and might need to be broken down into areas of the marriage such as ‘friendship” or “parent” and "sexuality" "affection" and other areas. It is ok to choose“the marriage” as the focus, just know that if you get bogged down to bring the target focus into a more specific topic about “the marriage.” Then this can be done with many conversations instead of one big one. Marriage is actually one life-long conversation.

Once you each have completed your two lists, set a time aside to each have a turn where you listen to your partner's circles, and only ask questions for your understanding THEIR point of view. Once both have had a turn WITHOUT criticism or commentary, THEN, move into a discussion and how a negotiation and agreements can be made with the flexible/adaptive areas.  This is to be done while valuing and protecting your partners core needs: the non-flexible areas. It is often amazing how many new options open up when a couple stops trying to change their own or their partner's core needs on an issue, and move to a discussion of the flexible areas.  Happy couples do more than that. They PROTECT and ADVOCATE for their partner's core needs. 

Use the GETTING TO YES questions A a guide to help come to a negotiated agreement regarding the issue or focus at hand:

Remember the principles of the Sound Relationship House below, especially avoiding the Four Horsemen! There are more instructive articles on the CORE NEEDS EXERCISE below.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”

"More than one thing can be true at the same time."

"There is nothing wrong with you, life it just far harder than you ever expected.

Yield to Win: Compromise like I am someone you love. The art of compromise exercise. Discuss the questions with your partner.

THE FOUR HORSEMEN: The Antidotes

All relationships, even the most successful ones, have conflict. It is unavoidable. Fortunately, our research shows that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve,” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding.

And there are problems that you just won’t solve due to natural personality differences between you and your partner, but if you can learn to manage those problems in a healthy way, then your relationship will succeed.

The first step in effectively managing conflict is to identify and counteract The Four Horsemen when they arrive in your conflict discussions. If you don’t, you risk serious problems in the future of your relationship. But, like Newton’s Third Law, for every horseman there is an antidote, and you can learn how and when to use them below.

The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up

A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a soft or gentle start-up. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

To put it simply, think of these two things to formulate your soft start-up: What do I feel? What do I need?

Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”

Antidote: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent. Can we please talk about my day?”

Notice that the antidote starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the discussion from escalating into an argument.

The Antidote to Contempt: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect

Contempt shows up in statements that come from a position of moral superiority. Some examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is destructive and defeating. It is the greatest predictor of divorce, and it must be avoided at all costs.

The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship, and there are a few ways to do that. One of our mottos is Small Things Often: if you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!

Another way that we explain this is our discovery of the 5:1 “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions that a relationship must have to succeed. If you have five or more positive interactions for every one negative interaction, then you’re making regular deposits into your emotional bank account, which keeps your relationship in the green.

Contempt: “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.)

Antidote: “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? I’d appreciate it.”

The antidote here works so well because it expresses understanding right off the bat. This partner shows how they know that the lack of cleanliness isn’t out of laziness or malice, and so they do not make a contemptuous statement about their partner or take any position of moral superiority.

Instead, this antidote is a respectful request, and it ends with a statement of appreciation.

The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility

Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand.

Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict.

Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second.”

Antidote: “I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible.”

By taking responsibility for part of the conflict (trying to leave too early), even while asserting that they don’t like to be late, this partner prevents the conflict from escalating by admitting their role in the conflict. From here, this couple can work towards a compromise.

The Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing

Stonewalling is when someone completely withdraws from a conflict discussion and no longer responds to their partner. It usually happens when you’re feeling flooded or emotionally overwhelmed, so your reaction is to shut down, stop talking, and disengage. And when couples stonewall, they’re under a lot of emotional pressure, which increases heart rates, releases stress hormones into the bloodstream, and can even trigger a fight-or-flight response.

In one of our longitudinal research studies, we interrupted couples after fifteen minutes of an argument and told them we needed to adjust the equipment. We asked them not to talk about their issue, but just to read magazines for half an hour. When they started talking again, their heart rates were significantly lower and their interaction was more positive and productive.

What happened during that half hour? Each partner, without even knowing it, physiologically soothed themselves by reading and avoiding discussion. They calmed down, and once they felt calm, they were able to return to the discussion in a respectful and rational way.

Therefore, the antidote to stonewalling is to practice physiological self-soothing, and the first step of self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion and call a timeout:

“Look, we’ve been through this over and over again. I’m tired of reminding you—”

“Honey, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to take a break. Can you give me twenty minutes and then we can talk?”

If you don’t take a break, you’ll find yourself either stonewalling and bottling up your emotions, or you’ll end up exploding at your partner, or both, and neither will get you anywhere good.

So, when you take a break, it should last at least twenty minutes because it will take that long before your body physiologically calms down. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”). Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music, reading, or exercising. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as it helps you to calm down.

You’ve got the skills. Use them!

Now that you know what the Four Horsemen are and how to counteract them with their proven antidotes, you’ve got the essential tools to manage conflict in a healthy way. As soon as you see criticism or contempt galloping in, remember their antidotes. Be vigilant. The more you can keep the Four Horsemen at bay, the more likely you are to have a stable and happy relationship.

FOUR HORSEMEN SELF-TEST

The Four Horsemen

Criticism Self Test

Contempt and Defensiveness

Contempt Self Test

Defensiveness Self Test

Stonewalling Self Test

THE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY METER

Keep conversations

EFFECTIVE, HEALING and FEEL CLOSER

COMMON QUESTION: It seems like I have to get extremely mad at my mate to get their attention on things that matter to me. They get mad back at me and we talk, but it is a distant conversation. What keeps us from changing this pattern?

DON: Overwhelm.

Neither you nor your mate can learn anything new when either are overwhelmed. Neither of you are emotionally available for learning and to feel connected.

When the pulse is elevated around 100 or more beats per minute a person's brain and nervous system is what psychology now calls "flooded." 

The Relationship Research of Julie and John Gottman's book Why Marriages Succeed and Fail, calls it "diffuse physiological arousal" meaning that the part of both or your brains that warn of danger, Flight or Flight Response, has been activated and your body is in high self-defense alert. Your attention isn't in a "curious" mode but in either an attack, defensive or freeze (detached) state, meaning no one is really listening to learn anything new.  Neuro-science has confirmed why people who are so bright, capable, and smart in so many situations appear shallow and unable to learn the simplest things in a committed relationship. Why?  They are overwhelmed. They have not allowed themselves to calm down, as long as it take, before they reengage with the other person. In a calm state, reason toward what is actually happening or has happened becomes stronger than the emotion and a dialogue can happen that allows the possibility of new learning to take place.

Nobody learns when overwhelmed except how to be mean (fight), run away faster (flight), or detach and give the angry person whatever words they need to hear so they will stop being so intense (freeze--appease).

Curiosity is in the GREEN on the Emotional Intensity Meter

You succeeded in getting your partner's attention, and you also guaranteed that nothing will change. Along with all of this another thing happens that makes this even harder, details will not be remembered accurately.  And, I am sure you have ended up here because calm talking about the concern went unaddressed in a productive way. We will get to that shortly, but I want to answer your question fully first.

If you use our Emotionally Intensity Meter, you can see what happens to the brain and nervous system and therefore what a person is capable of at various levels of emotional arousal.

When a person is upset, making a very strong point over and over, or is listening and getting madder and madder, when their pulse hits around 90-100 beats per minute, they are flooded with intensity and changing the area of the brain that is function. They are now in a fight, flight or freeze mode and not open to reasoning or learning unless they calm down their pulse and emotionally become calmer.

On The EIM-Emotional Intensity Meter, that would put that person in the "red."  They are not available to speak, listen, learn, nor be reasonable.  And, if the conversation continues, the research shows it will end badly in minutes and sometimes seconds.  It takes at least 20 minutes, but can take hours and for some people a day or two, before they can calmly and therefore more reasonably reengage about the topic that triggered the overwhelm. The longer either or both people keep talking in the "red" the longer it takes for the nervous and brain to calm to "green" on the EIM, which means calm. 

Most people make the error to either keep talking in the red or not wait long enough to get into the green before re-engaging the topic.  And since the topic is usually important in some way, the upset patterns happens over and over again, until the couple stop talking about it and that creates another set of problems that become more and more complicated.

So, your strategy gets their attention, but the part of his brain you really need to talk with that can learn and make reasonable decisions, is not home.

The bottom of the Emotional Intensity Meter is Blue, that is when you are starting to detach from the conversation and the other person and thoughts about wanting the conversation end appear or other types of distancing thoughts. When in the deep blue, you are not available for an engaged closeness conversation. You may feel calm but your partner will most likely experience that as “cold” and “you don’t care about me.” So deep blue or deep red are both signs of overwhelm and the need for a time out from the conversation and away from each other physically until calm returns.The Emotional Intensity Meter can be most helpful in both stopping prolonged arguing as well as a way to gauge when ready to try and have a repair conversation.

Note: It is common to mistake “numb (overwhelm” with calmness. You will know it is calmness when you feel “like yourself” again and you can see the negative impact on your behavior toward the other person and take responsibility for it as you also see to repair and address the issue at hand with the other person.

The GOAL: Keep conversations in the GREEN, and when they aren’t, take immediate TIME OUT, no less than 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. 

Why We Focus On The Wrong Things

Even when we know better, we act in irrational ways. We worry about problems that will likely never arise, and we care what complete strangers think of us —people we have never met before and will never meet again. We criticize and beat ourselves up over small mistakes, even though we know such condemnation isn’t helpful.  The mind is full of quirks and flaws, and much of what we think and do is not logical. When we look at our evolutionary past, however, things start to make sense.

Our ancestors lived in small tribes surrounded by the challenges of the environment — dangerous animals lurked nearby and hostile neighbors competed for resources. When people worked together to manage threats and challenges, they were more likely to produce children and pass on their genes to future generations.  But this required sensitivity to signs of danger, something established instinctively as well as through contrition and associative learning.

Identifying signs of danger through association is a primeval strategy for animals, and there’s been plenty of time to perfect it.  Using language to avoid threats — I saw a beast at the river, so watch out — is a more recent and uniquely human skill.  We’ve had  a few hundred years to refine this ability, with might have been enough, but our cognitive abilities keep changing our world at light speed.

We live in a different world than our grandparents did, and that is due to large part to symbolic language and its expansion into verbal problem-solving. That computer in our pocket is only one example. Because of such, our mental skills are now greatly overextending our primitive abilities to detect and respond to danger  With this insight, many of our modern emotional difficulties become clear.

Here are ways we struggle emotionally:.

1. IMAGINING DANGER AND PREDICTING THE WORST

We often struggle with negative fearsome thoughts. We are quick to see danger and assume that the worst is yet to come.  Negative thinking, it seems makes life harder and more difficult than it is.  In our day-to-day lives, we are safer than ever before, but we’ve never felt as threatened— for example by mass shootings and constant insecurity. It is not hard to imagine every stranger we see at night as a violent criminal.

In an evolutionary time frame, however, detecting possible danger was critical to survival for you and your tribe. Suppose you see a fuzzy round shape in the near distance. You can be a positive thinker and assume that it’s just a big rock and go on your way. Or, you can be a negative thinker and assume the worst: It’s a bear waiting to eat you.

If you make a mistake as a negative thinker, it’s no big deal. You get scared, change your route, and that’s about it. If, however, you make a mistake as a positive thinker, and the rock turns out to be a bear, you become lunch.  Negative thinking is the better strategy, which is why you and I descend from a long line of negative thinkers and sentinels of danger. 

The problem now is that the vast majority of our “dangers” are cognitively created. We worry about almost everything. If we cannot rein in the negative fear based thinking, our natural tendency to detect and avoid danger can overwhelm our ability to live life.

2. RUMINATING ABOUT THE PAST

We often chew over hurtful memories. We remember when we said something embarrassing or when we felt most vulnerable or hurt.  And even though the incident happened long ago, we still feel the sting of it as if it occurred yesterday.  The mind makes us relive the pain again and again, whether we like it or not.

For our ancestors, rehearsing past dangers likely helped them avoid future peril. Suppose they encountered a dangerous animal and barely got away. It would be useful to replay the experience in their had and review their brush with death in detail — what they did wrong, or what they could have done differently . It might better prepare them for the next face-to-face meeting with a wild animal. To some degree, rumination likely increased our ancestors chance of survival.

As mental problem-solvers, we ruminate over more and more things: slights, fears about health and abilities, or the possible sources of our struggles.

3. WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

We often worry about our reputations. We worry about status and what other people might say about us. Because of this worry, we set up rules for what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.  We invent rules for what we are “supposed” to wear, what we are “supposed” to think and feel.

But in prehistoric times, worrying about reputation was good for survival. Humans are extremely vulnerable on they own, and if our ancestors want to survive, they needed to ensure their position within the group. By recognizing their impact on others, their ability to cooperate — and to survive — increased. Social sensitivity was a benefit.

4. FEELING NOT GOOD ENOUGH

We frequently compare ourselves, and our achievements, to others.  And when we fall short of our expectations, which inevitably happens, we are quick to beat ourselves up.  We see our shortcomings as failures of character and conclude that we are simply not good enough, leaving us feeling hurt and vulnerable.

Four our ancestors what matters most was not whether people felt good about themselves, or whether they outperformed everyone else. What truly mattered was whether they could work together to survive. Some degree of self-comparison was likely.

Today, self-comparison and self-criticism can reach outlandish lengthens. For one thing, we no longer compare ourselves exclusively to our clan members but to Photoshopped images, the rich and famous, and even fictional characters with fantastic life stories. It’s no wonder that feelings of insecurity have been on the rise.

5. ALWAYS NEEDING MORE

We never seem satisfied with what we have. We are always chasing the next big thing, hoping it will give us the fulfillment and happiness we have yearned for. Unfortunately, the moment we achieve a goal, our newfound happiness quickly tarnishes.  The newly acquired car becomes just a car, and we turn our eyes to the next item.  The need for more is a recipe for greed and suffering.

In prehistoric times, however, acquiring more things was absolutely essential.  In an unpredictable environment, more food more weapons, and more of any resource could be vital for survival. 

WHAT CAN AND CAN’T CHANGE

Our brains and behavioral predisposition were not developed for the challenges of the 21st century with its steady media diet of frightening events and social comparisons. Why do we do the things we do? The mind is trying to solve an ancient problem of safety and belonging, using mental cognitions that were not designed for the modern world.

We have evolved to think this way. We will not stop thinking about what might go wrong in the near or distant future. Nor will we be able to consistently resist the urge to ruminate, worry about people’s opinion of us, compare ourselves to others, and yearn for more.

We can learn to change the relationship we have with ourselves.  We can learn to worry and think painful thought without getting caught up in them. Instead of being scared by our inner mental life and letting it dominate our actions, we can recognize it for what it is and refocus on what actually matters. This will take time, patience and practice. 

When you find yourself obsessing  over unpleasant thoughts and feelings, take a deep breath and ask how a struggle like this could have helped your distant ancestors. It might bring a greater sense of self-comparison (kindness and mercy). More often than not, you may find that your problem-solving mind is just trying to keep you safe. Gently turn inward and use self compassion!

How to Take a Break During Conversations at Home When Either Partner is Getting Flooded

a) If one person asks for a break, the other partner needs to agree without either partner trying to get the last word into the conversation;

b) The partners should agree on a time that they will get back together again to resume their conversation. The break should last at least 20 minutes, but no longer than 24 hours;

c) The couple should then part and go to separate places where they can no longer see or hear each other, such as separate rooms in the house or one person outside while the other remains inside, etc.;

d) During the break, each partner should do something self-soothing that takes their minds off the discussion with their partner, such as reading a book, listening to some music, taking a walk, going for a run, etc. It's important that the partners do not think of how they can next respond, as that will only keep them flooded;

e) They should return to talk together at the time they designated earlier. If one is not yet calm, she or she should still return, but then ask for a specified additional amount of time in order to fully calm down;

f) After returning to one another in a calmer state, the couple may resume their conversation.

—-Gottman Research

Take a break during conflict discussions

To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

Instructions:

To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

From the Research on Couples Happiness and Unhappiness by Julie and John Gottman, Ph.D.

First some notes before you do the process, and then the process will follow:

NOTES TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU BEGIN

1. You are processing a PAST event, not the present.

So, talk about how you felt in the PAST event, not how you feel right now.1. 

For example, 

• Do this: In that argument, I felt hurt, sad, and dismissed.

• Don’t do this: I feel angry at you now about that argument.

Reason for this Instruction:  You are processing what happened in the past to feel more complete, so you can let go obsessing over it, learn from it and that will help you both feel closer. If your emotion is so strong now about the event, say in the “yellow” or “read”  you are most likely flooded or soon to be. So, it is best to not do the exercise until you are calm, and you can check your pulse to see. If it is close to or over 100 beats, you need to calm before you do the repair.  You both need to be in the “green” so reasonableness has a chance to stay steady. Being flooded isn’t wrong, it just means you are still hurting and need more time to calm, then do the exercise.

2.  BOTH points of view are right.

It is important to remember, and remind yourself often, that a point of view is not an absolute reality. It is relative. Subjective.  If you are flooded you will not be able to hear a point of view that you see differently without debating or being defensive. If you are in the green, you can be curious and interested in your partner’s inner world and see to understand instead of persuade them to your view.  The goal of closeness happens when each person feels heard and understood in their world. That makes each open to reasonable consideration and influence.

• Do this: I hear that you saw. . . 

• Don’t do this: What you saw isn’t right . . .

Reason for this instruction:  Repair needs to be about dialogue and understanding, not debate and convince.  Curiosity, interest, and compassion for self and other is needed. Otherwise, you will end the conversation feeling further distance from each other and worse than when you began. The goals is repair and to feel better and closer.

3.  Save all persuasiveness to step 6.  

Reason for this instruction: Happy couples in the research waited until both people felt understood and their viewpoint considered before asking for anything.  Step 6 is the Ask.

4.  In step 6, remember you are going to “try” something different next time. 

That means it may work better or it may not. Either is helpful information for your knowledge database in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. So, keep the “trying” as experimental where you are both looking for what works bests and let that grow.

• Do this:  I want to try and start soft when I have a complaint and wait until I am calm to talk.

• Don’t do this: I am going to be soft so that this doesn’t happen again.

5.  Each person gets a turn on each step. 

Start with emotions first. Don’t combine steps.

Reason for this instruction:  The emotions drive the intensity of the conversation and the repair. By starting there it takes pressure off each person and helps focus on learning.

6. If you are flooded, in the red or rising in the yellow. Stop.

When emotion runs high and stays high in the "red," it is necessary to take a break until both people are in the green, or calm. This is the most common reason repair isn't made: too much emotional intensity. It is ok and necessary to stop and return later when one or both partners are flooded.  This does not mean that  you don't feel intensity. This does mean when the intensity rises and starts to stay high or emotional intensity becomes detached, you need to stop and come back later when calm or feeling more able to be emotionally engaged.  Also, when either partner is "tuned out" or "detached," in the "blue," that is also a sign of being overwhelmed and reasonableness is also inhibited.

Reason for instruction: You cannot be yield to reasonableness, when you are flooded with emotions or detached from your emotions. When flooded (red) or detached (blue) you can make matters worse, but you can't make them better until you calm down enough to yield to reason.

7.   The Language of Healing In A Repair Conversation

According to the research of Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. and his process of ifs-Internal Family Systems.

The 8 C’s That Heal by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. 

Calmness - (1.) a high degree of physiological and mental serenity regardless of the circumstance(s) (2.) the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme ways(3.) to be less vulnerable to adopting the common fight-flight-freeze response when threatened. (Calmness experienced in dynamic degrees)

Curiosity - (1.) a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person (2.) to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work(3.) genuinely interested in non-judgmentally understanding something or someone. (Curiosity experienced in dynamic degrees)

Clarity - (1.) the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotion s(2.) the ability to maintain one’s objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest (3.) the absence of preconception and objection (opposing) (4.) the ability to maintain a “beginner’s mind” in which many possibilities exist. (Clarity is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Compassion - (1.) to be open heartedly present and appreciative of others without feeling the urge to fix, change or distance from them (2.) an intuitive understanding that the suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them (3.) to simultaneously have empathy for others and a belief that the other has a Self that once released can relieve his or her own suffering. (Compassion is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Confidence - (1.) to maintain a strong personal knowledge in one’s ability to stay fully or as present as possible in a situation and handle or repair anything that happens with the belief that “no matter what, it’s all okay and will all work out the way that it can” (2.) to have the direct experience of being healed from previous traumas and learned from previous failures to such a degree that their effect does not spill into the present (3.) to understand that mistakes are only lessons to be learned. (Confidence is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Courage - (1.) strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger (2.) the willingness to take action toward a goal that you or others would find overwhelming(3.) the ability to recognize the damage we do to others then take action to make amends (4.) the willingness to reflect and “go inside” toward our own pain and shame, carefully examine it and act on what we see. (Courage is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Creativity - (1.) the use of the imagination to produce original ideas (2.) the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity (3.) the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems. (Curiosity is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Connectedness - (1.) the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, family, team, community, or organization (2.) a connection to a meaningful purpose or a "higher calling" above the circumstances of daily life (3.) to be in a relationship with someone who truly knows and accepts you for who you actually are(4.) to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that judgement or controlling can happen and can addressed openly with options and have less fear of getting hurt because you have grown degrees of confidence that you can repair damage or misunderstandings when they occur. (Connectedness is experienced in dynamic degrees)

••••••••••••••••••

THE INSTRUCTIONS:

Step by Step Guide To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

I. FEELINGS

Go through the list and say the ones that you felt in the disagreement that needs repair. The more the better to help you express to your partner how you felt. This helps relieve the intensity about the past argument.

1. I felt defensive.

2. I felt listened to.

3. My feelings got hurt.

4. I felt understood.

5. I felt angry.

6. I felt sad.

7. I felt happy.

8. I felt misunderstood

9. I felt criticized.

10. I didn’t take my partner’s complaints personally.

11. I felt disliked by my partner.

12. I felt cared for.

13. I was worried.

14. I felt afraid.

15. I felt safe.

16. I was relaxed.

17. I felt right and my partner wrong.

18. I felt we were both partly right.

19. I felt out of control.

20. I felt in control.

21. I felt righteously indignant.

22. I felt that we were both morally justified in our views.

23. I felt picked on unfairly.

24. I felt appreciated.

25. I felt unappreciated.

26. I felt unattractive.

27. I felt attractive.

28. I felt morally outraged.

29. I felt taken for granted.

30. I didn’t feel taken for granted.

31. I felt like leaving.

32. I felt like staying and talking this through.

33. I was overwhelmed with emotion.

34. I felt calm.

35. I felt powerful.

36. I felt powerless.

37. I felt that I had no influence.

38. I felt I could be persuasive.

39. I felt as if my opinion didn’t even matter.

40. There was a lot of give and take.

41. I had not feelings at all.

42. I have no idea what I was feeling

43. I felt lonely.

44. I felt alienated.

45. Other feelings

II.  Share your subjective reality.

Summarize your own personal point of view, your personal reality about the disagreement. What was your story?

III.  Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand.

Try and see how your partner’s subjective point of view, their reality, make sense,  given your partner’s perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his or her reality that makes sense to you.

IV. What triggered in you during the disagreement.

What in your history, your childhood, life before this relationship became triggered during the conversation?

V.   Accept some responsibility. 

       Admit your role in the conflict, what you did that made matters worse.

1. I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

2. I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

3. I have I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

4. I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

5. I have taken my partner for granted.

6. I have been highly sensitive lately.

7. I have been highly critical lately.

8. I have not shared very much of my inner world.

9. I have not been emotionally available.

10. I have been turning away from partner.

11. I have been getting easily upset.

12. I have been depressed lately.

13. I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.

14. I have not been affectionate.

15. I have not made time for good things between us.

16. I have not been a very good listener.

17. I have not been asking for what I need.

18. I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.

19. I have needed to be alone.

20. I have not wanted to take care of anybody.

21. (Add your own)

Overall, my contribution to this disagreement was __________ . 

VI. Make it better in the future

This is where persuasion is appropriate. Not trying to manipulate, but asking for the favor of trying something different.  By the time you get to this step, you both will clearly see possibilities to try differently next time. Be sure to start with what YOU will try next time. Then have your partner go. Then, what your "ask" is for your partner to try next time, and then, theirs for you. If the "ask" to too far of a stretch  for either of you, adjust it to something you can try that is reasonable. Remember, it may not work out so whatever happens is ok to learn from and try again and again as you learn to care about yourself and each other.

1. One thing you could try next time? (Let each respond before moving to number 2)

2. One thing you would like your partner to try differently next time?

Wanting to Contribute

Your friend comes over to tell you about a recent upsetting incident. By the end of the story, with clenched fists and tears in her eyes, she says, "I just don't know what to do!"

Since she's a friend, you probably want to contribute in some way. Isn't that what friendship is about? She did end with "I just don't know what to do!"

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg says, "It's often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or 'fix-it' advice. Believing we have to 'fix' situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present."

To contribute the best gift you can to your friend, remember the components of NVC. Listen for what she observed. Pay attention to body clues and words that offer feelings. Even if she doesn't specifically say what she needs, see if you can find a need inside her words. But most importantly, listen, listen and listen.

When you follow the cues of the person speaking to emphatically connect to their feelings and needs, you'll be surprised how much more of a meaningful contribution your presence can make.

Mindful Practice for the Week

This week, be aware of the times you want to "fix the problem" or make someone "feel better." Take a deep breath and engage in empathic listening instead. Enjoy your week!

Assertiveness Communication

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1.    Choose the right time. Imagine you're dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, "Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?" Because you haven't scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

2.    Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

3.    Be direct. For example, "Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project." Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.

4.    Say "I," not "we." Instead of saying, "We need the project by Tuesday," say, "I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday."

5.    Be specific. Instead of, "Put a rush on the Microsoft project," say, "I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe's desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning."

6.    Use body language to emphasize your words. "Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning," is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

7.    Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.

8.    Stand up for yourself. Don't allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: "I was here first," "I'd like more coffee, please," "Excuse me, but I have another appointment," "Please turn down the radio," or "This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare."

9.    Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don't know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

10.    Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

11.    Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

12.    Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, "Thank you."

13.    Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

14.    Don't get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person's behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: "Please don't talk to me that way," rather than, "What kind of jerk are you?"

15.    Use "I" statements when commenting on another's behavior. For example: "When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed."

16.    State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.")

17.    Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

18.    Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don't leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don't learn new skills overnight.

19.    Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

20.    Don't put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

12 RULES FOR CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION

Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns may be destructive, but, sadly, plenty of people fall into the trap of indulging in them. If you and your relationship partners follow these rules and steer clear of the traps of destructive communication, you will almost certainly feel better about each other and your relationship.

1.    Use I-messages instead of You-messages. You-messages sound blaming and accusing. With an I-message, you can convey the same message without sounding blaming. For example:

You-message: “You left the dishes in the sink again.”

I-message: “When you don’t clean up after yourself, I feel taken advantage of.”

2.    Communicate the entire message. According to McKay et al. in their excellent book Couple Skills (see Suggested Reading), complete messages include four components:

Observations: neutral statements of fact

Thoughts: your own opinions and beliefs

Feelings: descriptions of your emotions

Needs: a statement of what you need or want from the other person

Here is an example of a complete message: “The weekend is coming up. I hope we can go to the movies together. I would like to spend some time with you.”

An incomplete message leaves out one or more of these components. It might sound like this: “I hope we can go to the movies this weekend.” There isn’t really anything wrong with this statement, but the first one is more complete and will more likely result in the speaker getting what he or she wants.

3.    Don’t use your feelings as weapons. Just describe what you are feeling as objectively as possible, not aggressively. Be as specific as possible and keep your voice under control. For example:

Objective: “I felt really hurt when you said that I probably wouldn’t pass the bar the first time.”

Aggressive: (yelling) “You are such an idiot! How dare you insult me like that!”

4.    Use specific language. When you have a complaint, be specific. For example, “I’m upset that you left the food out on the table” is clearer than saying, “Thanks for the mess you left me.” The first statement is less likely to produce defensiveness and leaves little room for misunderstanding.

5.    Focus on the problem, not the person. Consider how different these two statements sound:

“You are such a complete slob.”

“I wish you would take your stuff upstairs.”

Attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—is different from simply expressing a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action. Criticism is more blaming and more global. It sounds like this: “You always screw the budget up. Can’t you do anything right?”

Behavior like this is damaging to a relationship because:

•    Criticism is destructive rather than constructive.

•    It involves blame.

•    Criticisms are global and tend to be generalizations (you always, you never, etc.).

•    Criticisms attack the other person personally.

•    It feels overwhelming to be on the receiving end.

6.    Stop bringing up ancient history. It’s more constructive to focus on the issue at hand, not bring up past hurts. When you are upset with your partner and add past issues to the discussion, it can only escalate the conflict. It feels unfair and can never be productive. If you still have feelings about past issues, it is important to resolve them and move on, not use them as weapons every time you have a disagreement with your partner.

7.    Watch out for mixed messages. Keep your statements clean, avoiding the temptation to mix compliments and complaints. For example, let’s say that you meet your friend at a cocktail party. You think she looks nice, but her dress seems a little too provocative.

Straight message: “You look very nice tonight.”

Mixed message: “You look so pretty. I would never have the nerve to wear that.”

8.    Pay attention to your body language. Your words are only part of the message you communicate. If you say “How nice to see you” while frowning, your message becomes unclear. Think about what message you want to convey and be sure that your body is in harmony with it. Watch out for things like these:

•    Rolling your eyes

•    Crossing your legs and arms

•    Tapping your foot

•    Clenching your teeth

9.    Pay attention to your emotions and keep from becoming overwhelmed. If you are calm, you are less likely to say things you’ll later regret, things that could be destructive to your relationship. You will be less likely to become defensive and shut your partner out. Examples of ways to calm yourself and keep from getting carried away with emotion include the following:

•    Pay attention to your physical responses. Is your heart racing? Are you breathing faster? If you are, take a time-out.

•    Leave the room. Go for a drive. Do something relaxing. Listen to music or do relaxation exercises.

•    Make a conscious effort to calm yourself down. Say things to yourself like:

“I’m very upset right now, but it’ll be okay. I still love her.”

“Even though we disagree, we still have a good relationship.”

“We can work this out. We’re partners.”

10.    Resolve negative feelings. If you have bad feelings about your partner, take steps to resolve them. Don’t let them grow into feelings of contempt. When you engage in behavior (verbal or nonverbal) that conveys a lack of respect, you are placing your relationship in serious danger. This includes obvious abuse, and also insults, making faces, and name-calling. Any relationship that is plagued by abusiveness and negativity will have a very difficult time surviving.

11.    Don’t be defensive. It is understandable to react defensively when you are in a conflict situation, but it can be dangerous to a relationship. Defensiveness tends to escalate the conflict and does nothing to resolve it. Some examples of defensive behavior include:

•    Denying responsibility (I did not!)

•    Making excuses (I couldn’t help it; traffic was awful)

•    Ignoring what your partner says and throwing a complaint back (Yeah, well, what about the mess you left yesterday?)

•    Saying Yes, but…

•    Whining

•    Rolling your eyes or making a face

12.    Don’t shut down. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last , author John Gottman describes the dangers of shutting out the other person. He calls this behavior stonewalling and says that it means refusing to communicate, storming out of the room, or any kind of withdrawing. When a person is stonewalling, communication is impossible because he or she is refusing to participate. When it becomes a regular pattern of communication, stonewalling is very damaging to a relationship.