When You Don’t Know Who You Are: The Lingering Effects of Emotional Neglect

Some people come to therapy not because something happened, but because something didn’t. There may be no major traumas or dramatic stories to tell, yet there’s still a quiet, persistent sense of confusion, emptiness, or disconnection.

Clients often describe it like this:

• “I don’t really know who I am.”

• “I can’t tell what I want or feel.”

• “I’m good at being what others need, but I don’t know what I need.”

From a psychodynamic perspective, this kind of disconnection often traces back to childhood emotional neglect—not the loud kind of harm, but the kind that happens through absence.

What Is Emotional Neglect?

Emotional neglect isn’t always obvious. It can happen in families that seem loving, stable, and functional on the surface. What’s often missing, though, is emotional presence, someone who notices your inner world, helps you name your feelings, and stays attuned to what’s going on inside you.

When that attunement is absent, children adapt by tuning out their own needs. They may stop expressing emotions, learn not to ask for support, or even lose touch with what they feel, not out of weakness, but as a way to survive in an environment that didn’t reflect their emotional experience.

How Emotional Neglect Affects Identity

Our sense of self is shaped through relationships, especially those where we are seen, mirrored, and emotionally understood. When a caregiver is emotionally present, they help a child build language for their inner world. Over time, that becomes a foundation for knowing who we are.

But if no one helped you reflect on your feelings or made space for your emotional life, it can be hard to develop a clear inner compass. As adults, people who’ve experienced emotional neglect may:

• Struggle to name what they want or feel

• Default to pleasing others

• Feel emotionally flat or uncertain

• Worry there’s nothing authentic underneath the surface

These are not signs of failure. They’re signs of adaptation of surviving a childhood where your emotions weren’t seen or supported.

How Therapy Can Help

Psychodynamic therapy doesn’t just address symptoms, it explores your inner world: how it formed, what roles you learned to play, and which parts of you were silenced along the way.

Together, we ask:

• What emotional messages did you absorb growing up?

• What did you come to believe about feelings, needs, or asking for help?

• What was expected of you—and what parts of you felt off-limits?

Slowly, we begin to make contact with the parts of you that went quiet. Through the therapy relationship itself, you begin to have a new experience—where your emotions are not too much, and your inner life is met with curiosity instead of silence.

Reclaiming the Self

Healing from emotional neglect means learning to turn inward again, even when that feels uncertain or unfamiliar. It’s about building a stronger connection to yourself through compassion, presence, and real emotional attunement.

You are not empty. You adapted.
And the parts of you that had to go underground?
They’re still here—waiting to be seen.

Thanks for reading.
My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor in training, practicing under supervision at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy grounded in insight, self-compassion, and deep respect for your lived experience.

If this kind of work speaks to you, I invite you to book a session with me here

Embracing the Full Spectrum: The Power of Increasing Our Window of Tolerance

In the journey of life, we encounter a myriad of emotions, ranging from joy and contentment to sadness and anger. While we often celebrate the positive emotions and strive to cultivate them, the negative ones are frequently met with resistance and avoidance. However, what if I told you that embracing the full spectrum of emotions, including the difficult ones, could lead to greater resilience, freedom, and acceptance?

Our society tends to label negative emotions as something to be avoided or suppressed. We're taught to seek happiness at all costs and to view sadness, anger, or fear as unwelcome intruders in our lives. However, this avoidance can inadvertently lead to a host of harmful behaviors and experiences, as we try to numb or escape from our discomfort rather than confronting it head-on.

The truth is, our bodies are designed to experience a wide range of emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. Each emotion serves a purpose, offering valuable insights into our inner world and guiding us towards growth and healing. When we suppress or deny our emotions, we disrupt this natural balance, causing tension and disconnection within ourselves.

Increasing our window of tolerance for difficult emotions involves cultivating the capacity to hold and navigate these feelings with compassion and curiosity, rather than judgment or avoidance. It's about acknowledging that pain and discomfort are inevitable parts of the human experience and learning to embrace them as integral aspects of our journey.

But what does it mean to embrace difficult emotions? It's important to understand that acceptance doesn't necessarily mean agreement or approval. Rather, it's about acknowledging the reality of our experiences without trying to change or control them. When we allow ourselves to sit with our discomfort, we create space for healing and transformation to unfold.

Embracing difficult emotions also requires us to cultivate a sense of self-compassion and resilience. Instead of berating ourselves for feeling sad or anxious, we can offer ourselves kindness and understanding, recognizing that our emotions are valid and deserving of acknowledgment. Through this process, we develop greater resilience in the face of adversity, learning to weather life's storms with grace and resilience.

Moreover, embracing difficult emotions can lead to a profound sense of freedom and authenticity. When we no longer fear or suppress our feelings, we become more aligned with our true selves, embracing the fullness of who we are, flaws and all. This authenticity allows us to live more fully and authentically, connecting with others on a deeper level and experiencing life with greater richness and depth. By embracing the full spectrum of our emotional experience, we open ourselves up to a life of greater resilience and freedom. Rather than viewing pain and discomfort as enemies to be avoided, let us embrace them as valuable teachers on the journey toward wholeness and self-discovery. As we learn to tolerate and embrace all that life has to offer, we unlock the door to true healing and transformation.

By Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR