Why We Use Defense Mechanisms (And Why They’re Not a Bad Thing)

Have you ever noticed yourself cracking a joke when things get serious? Or brushing off a painful experience with, “It wasn’t that big of a deal”? These subtle patterns might not seem like much, but they’re actually doing something important.

They’re protecting you.

In psychodynamic therapy, we call these kinds of responses defense mechanisms—and despite how that might sound, they’re not bad, immature, or wrong. They’re creative, adaptive strategies we develop to cope with stress, pain, and overwhelming emotions. Most of the time, they happen without us even realizing it.

Let’s take a closer look at what defenses really are—and why they deserve our compassion, not our judgment.

What Are Defense Mechanisms?

Defense mechanisms are unconscious ways we protect ourselves from emotional discomfort, internal conflict, or painful memories. They show up as patterns of thinking, behaving, or relating that helped us get through tough moments—especially when we were young and didn’t have better tools yet.

Some are easy to spot. Others are so woven into our daily lives that we hardly recognize them.

Common Defenses You Might Recognize:

• Intellectualizing – staying in your head to avoid feeling what's in your heart

• Minimizing – “It’s fine, I’m fine,” even when it’s really not

• People-pleasing – taking care of others to avoid rejection or conflict

• Sarcasm or humor – using wit to dodge emotional vulnerability

• Withdrawal – shutting down or pulling away when you feel hurt

• Perfectionism – striving for control to avoid shame or failure

These aren’t random habits. They’re protections. And at one point, they worked.

Why We Develop Defenses in the First Place

Most defenses begin in childhood, when we’re still figuring out how to handle big emotions in a world that may not feel safe or validating. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed or your needs were unmet, you learned to adapt.

• A child who felt emotionally unsafe might grow into an adult who avoids closeness.

• A child who feared rejection might become someone who over-gives or self-sacrifices.

• A child who was often blamed might develop a harsh inner critic to stay “one step ahead” of judgment.

This is your nervous system’s way of protecting you. Not dysfunction—survival.

What Therapy Offers

In therapy, we don’t rush to tear down defenses. We get curious about them.

We ask:

What is this defense trying to protect?
When did I first learn to use it?
What might it feel like to lower this guard—just a little?

As we create a space of emotional safety and trust, defenses start to soften—not because we force them away, but because we no longer need them in the same way.

Over time, that allows for more freedom, more authenticity, and a deeper sense of connection—with yourself and others.

Learning to Hold Defenses with Compassion

It’s so easy to beat ourselves up for the very strategies that helped us survive. But self-judgment only keeps us stuck in shame. What we really need is self-compassion and a sense of context.

You weren’t weak for developing defenses. You were wise.

Now, with more support and insight, you get to choose which defenses still serve you—and which ones you’re ready to thank and release.

Ready to Explore This Kind of Work?

Hi, I’m Amber, a Master’s-level counselor at South Tampa Therapy. I specialize in warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy that honors your lived experience and helps you gently explore the “why” behind your patterns—with compassion, not criticism.

If this kind of inner work speaks to you, I’d love to connect.

👉 Book a session with me here.

South Tampa Therapy | Psychodynamic Counseling • Relational Insight • Self-Compassion

Why Identity Matters: Building Self-Understanding in Teen and College Years

By South Tampa Therapy | Remy Francis, MHCI

Description:
Explore the importance of identity development in adolescence and young adulthood, and how a strong self-concept supports mental health, emotional regulation, and life satisfaction.

Identity Formation Is More Than Just “Figuring It Out”

Adolescence and young adulthood are marked by significant psychological, emotional, and social development. During these years, a person begins to clarify who they are, what they value, and how they want to show up in the world.

In psychological terms, this is known as identity formation, and it is a foundational developmental task. Erik Erikson, a renowned developmental psychologist, described this stage as the conflict between identity vs. role confusion—one of the most critical transitions we navigate.

For many, the process can feel overwhelming, confusing, or even isolating. But it’s also a time of great potential.

What Is Self-Concept?

Self-concept refers to a person’s internal understanding of who they are. It includes:

• Personal beliefs and values

• Perceived strengths and limitations

• Roles (student, friend, artist, leader, etc.)

• Emotional tone (how you feel about yourself)

• Identity markers like culture, gender, spirituality, and interests

A clear and stable self-concept is closely linked to:

• Improved emotional resilience

• Greater self-esteem

• Better decision-making

• Healthier relationships

• Reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression

When a young person’s self-concept is fragmented, overly negative, or based heavily on external validation, it can contribute to confusion, emotional dysregulation, and chronic self-doubt.

Challenges to Identity Development

Several common factors can complicate or delay identity development:

1. Social Media and Constant Comparison
Curated, idealized versions of life can lead to unrealistic expectations, identity diffusion, and self-criticism.

2. Family or Cultural Pressure
Conflicts between internal desires and external expectations can result in shame or suppression of authentic self-expression.

3. Unresolved Trauma or Emotional Neglect
Adverse experiences like neglect or invalidation can distort self-perception and inhibit healthy identity development.

4. Lack of Reflective Space
Without support to explore and question, young people may adopt roles that don’t truly align with who they are, leading to burnout or identity confusion.

The Role of Therapy in Identity Development

Psychotherapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space for teens and young adults to:

• Explore and clarify values, beliefs, and goals

• Challenge internalized negative self-beliefs

• Differentiate between authentic desires and external pressures

• Process past experiences that shape self-image

• Build emotional language and self-compassion

The goal isn’t perfection—but the development of a coherent, flexible, and authentic self-concept that evolves with time.

Self-Concept Isn’t Static—And That’s Okay

Identity is not a destination—it’s a lifelong journey of growth and reflection. But building a strong foundation during the teen and college years paves the way for more satisfying relationships, stronger emotional health, and greater life satisfaction.

Final Thoughts

If you or someone you love is navigating identity confusion or emotional overwhelm—or simply asking, “Who am I, really?”—therapy can help.

You don’t have to figure it all out alone. You deserve space to grow into the person you’re becoming—with clarity, confidence, and support.

Book with Remy: 813-240-3237 SouthTampaTherapy@gmail.com

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Remy

Guided Visualization: Mastering Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in Your Relationship

Preparation:

• Find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably.

• Close your eyes and take a deep breath in… and out.

• Let go of any tension in your shoulders, jaw, and hands.

• Focus on your breath, feeling grounded in the present moment.

Step 1: Enter the Scene – The Safe Space

Imagine yourself in a cozy, warm room. Soft light filters in. You’re sitting comfortably with your partner, feeling safe and present.

In front of you is a mirror of understanding—a special mirror that reflects not just words but emotions and needs. It helps you see past frustration and into the heart of your connection.

As you look at your partner, you feel open, patient, and receptive. You are fully present, ready to communicate with kindness and clarity.

Step 2: Observing Without Judgment

A situation unfolds: Your partner says something that triggers you. Maybe they criticize your habits, forget an important date, or seem distant.

In the past, you might have reacted defensively or taken it personally. But now, imagine yourself pausing. You take a slow breath and focus on what actually happened, as if watching a security camera replay the moment.

Instead of labeling or assuming, you describe the facts neutrally.

“I heard you say, ‘You never listen to me when I talk about my day.’”

No judgment, no blame—just observation.

Feel the clarity in this moment.

Step 3: Identifying Feelings with Compassion

Now, focus on your emotions. Instead of pushing them away, imagine your feelings appearing as gentle waves on a calm lake—coming and going, natural and valid.

Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Maybe it’s frustration, sadness, or confusion.

Then, shift your attention to your partner. Imagine stepping into their world.

What might they be feeling? Maybe they feel unheard, lonely, or disconnected.

You gently say, “Are you feeling frustrated because you need more presence and connection?”

As you speak, notice how the energy between you shifts. Your partner softens, feeling understood.

Step 4: Connecting to Needs with Clarity

Imagine looking deeper, beyond the surface issue. What is the core need here?

For you, maybe it’s respect or autonomy. For your partner, maybe it’s emotional connection or reassurance.

Now, visualize these needs as two glowing orbs of light in the air—yours and theirs. They aren’t in conflict; they are simply different. Both are valid. Both deserve care.

You take a deep breath and say, “I really value connection, too. I want to make sure we both feel heard.”

Step 5: Making a Clear, Compassionate Request

Instead of reacting with anger or shutting down, you choose connection. Imagine your words flowing gently but firmly, like a river finding its course.

You say, “Would you be open to setting aside 10 minutes every evening just for us to talk, with no distractions?”

Your partner nods. They feel heard. They exhale, releasing tension. You sense a shift—an invisible bridge forming between you, built on understanding.

Step 6: Feel the Success – The Afterglow

Now, sit with this feeling. Imagine the warmth of a resolved conflict, the deep relief of being truly heard and valued.

See yourself carrying this skill into future conversations—at work, with friends, with family.

• You remain calm.

• You listen deeply.

• You express your needs with confidence.

• You transform moments of disconnection into deeper intimacy.

Let this success sink in. Feel it in your body.

When you’re ready, take a deep breath in… and out.

Slowly, open your eyes.

You are now equipped with a powerful tool—the ability to communicate with compassion, clarity, and connection.

Now, go practice it.

The Simple Formula That Keeps Couples Happy

By Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, South Tampa Therapy Owner, Counselor & Supervisor

What’s the secret to a happy and lasting relationship? Some psychologists believe it boils down to a simple yet powerful formula: the 5:1 ratio. This concept, developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Robert Levenson of the renowned Gottman Institute, emphasizes the importance of balancing negativity with positivity in your relationship.

For every negative interaction—like criticism, defensiveness, or dismissiveness—there should be at least five positive interactions to maintain a healthy and happy connection.

The Research Behind the 5:1 Formula

In the 1970s, Dr. Gottman and Dr. Levenson began studying couples by observing how they handled disagreements. Through this research, they achieved a stunning 90% accuracy in predicting which couples would stay together and which would divorce. Their conclusion? Successful couples weren’t conflict-free, but they maintained more positive interactions than negative ones—even during arguments.

According to Dr. Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, anger itself isn’t necessarily destructive in a marriage. However, when anger is paired with criticism, contempt, or defensiveness, it can erode trust and connection. The antidote is intentional effort to repair and connect during conflicts, ensuring that positivity outweighs negativity.

How to Build More Positive Interactions

You don’t need grand gestures to boost the 5:1 ratio. Dr. Gottman outlines small but meaningful behaviors that couples can practice to strengthen their bond—even during disagreements. Here are a few ways to create more positivity in your relationship:

1. Show Interest

When your partner shares a complaint or concern, be genuinely curious about what’s upsetting them. Ask follow-up questions, show understanding through body language, and avoid dismissing their feelings. This simple act of listening makes your partner feel heard and valued.

2. Express Affection

In the middle of a heated discussion, a kind word, a reassuring touch, or verbal affirmation can go a long way. These small acts of affection can lower stress and remind your partner that you’re on the same team.

3. Make Small, Meaningful Gestures

Simple, consistent gestures—like a compliment, an unexpected hug, or a thoughtful text—act as “buffers” during moments of tension. These signals of care build a positive emotional bank that helps sustain your relationship through tough times.

4. Focus on Common Ground

Even during an argument, emphasize the points you agree on. This shared understanding can create momentum toward resolving the issue and helps both partners feel aligned.

5. Empathize and Apologize

Empathy is one of the deepest forms of connection. Acknowledging your partner’s feelings—even if you don’t fully agree—can diffuse tension. If you’ve hurt your partner, offer a sincere apology. Repairing emotional wounds is key to rebuilding trust.

6. Accept Their Perspective

You don’t have to agree with your partner to respect their viewpoint. Validation shows that you value their thoughts and experiences, even if they differ from yours.

7. Share a Joke or Playful Moment

Humor can be a powerful tool for diffusing conflict. Sharing a lighthearted joke or playful moment can break tension and remind you both of the joy in your connection.

Why the 5:1 Formula Works

The beauty of the 5:1 formula lies in its simplicity. When couples focus on consistent, small acts of connection, they build a reservoir of goodwill and emotional safety. This makes it easier to navigate conflicts and maintain closeness over time.

Remember, no relationship is perfect, and disagreements are inevitable. What sets happy couples apart is their ability to repair and reconnect—turning moments of tension into opportunities for deeper intimacy.

Strengthen Your Relationship Today

At South Tampa Counselor, we specialize in helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re working through conflict, rebuilding trust, or simply looking to deepen your connection, our evidence-based approaches, including the Gottman Method and Emotion-Focused Therapy, can provide the tools you need.

If you’re ready to create more positive interactions and nurture your relationship, contact us today to schedule a session.

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️‍🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩‍❤️‍👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com

SouthTampaTherapy@gmail.com

I Will Help You Connect On A Deeper Level With Your Partner!

Slowing partners down during a session to facilitate deeper connection can be crucial in helping them communicate more effectively and understand each other's emotions more fully. Here are some strategies you we can use together during a session:

1. Mindful Breathing Together

• What: Invite the couple to engage in a few moments of mindful breathing together before they begin discussing difficult topics.

• Why: This can help ground them in the present moment, reduce anxiety, and create a calmer atmosphere for deeper connection.

2. Reflective Listening

• What: Encourage each partner to take turns speaking without interruption while the other listens attentively. After one partner speaks, the other should reflect back what they heard, focusing on understanding the emotions and needs expressed.

• Why: Reflective listening ensures that each partner feels heard and validated, which fosters empathy and deeper emotional connection.

3. Use of "I" Statements

• What: Guide the couple to use "I" statements (e.g., "I feel..." or "I need...") instead of "You" statements, which can often feel accusatory.

• Why: "I" statements help each partner express their feelings and needs without blaming or attacking the other, which slows down reactive responses and opens the door for more meaningful dialogue.

4. Pausing and Checking In

• What: Introduce pauses during the conversation where each partner can check in with themselves and each other. Ask them to reflect on what they are feeling in the moment and how they are responding to what is being said.

• Why: Pausing helps interrupt automatic reactions and allows both partners to process their emotions and thoughts more deeply before continuing the conversation.

5. Emotional Validation

• What: Encourage partners to acknowledge and validate each other's emotions before moving on to problem-solving or responses.

• Why: Validation shows understanding and empathy, which can slow down the pace of the conversation and allow for a deeper emotional connection.

6. Use of Metaphors or Visualizations

• What: Introduce metaphors or visualizations to help partners understand each other's emotional states or experiences more deeply (e.g., “Imagine your partner is carrying a heavy backpack. What might be inside?”).

• Why: Metaphors and visualizations can shift the conversation from surface-level issues to the underlying emotional dynamics, facilitating deeper understanding.

7. Focused Eye Contact

• What: Ask the couple to make and maintain eye contact for a few moments without speaking.

• Why: Eye contact can be a powerful way to foster connection, allowing partners to feel more emotionally attuned and connected.

8. Slow Down the Pace of Speech

• What: Encourage each partner to speak more slowly and deliberately, focusing on their tone and word choice.

• Why: Slowing down speech helps reduce defensiveness and allows for more thoughtful, intentional communication.

9. Set Time for Self-Reflection

• What: Suggest that each partner take a few minutes to silently reflect on their emotions and needs before responding during a discussion.

• Why: Self-reflection helps partners understand their own emotions more clearly, leading to more meaningful exchanges.

10. Highlighting Positive Interactions

• What: During sessions, focus on and amplify moments where partners successfully connect or show understanding towards each other.

• Why: Reinforcing positive interactions can help partners slow down and appreciate these moments, fostering a deeper connection.

By implementing these strategies, I can help couples slow down, communicate more effectively, and build a deeper emotional connection.

I’m looking forward to meeting you and helping connect with your partner now…

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️‍🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩‍❤️‍👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com

SouthTampaTherapy@gmail.com

Curated List of Supplemental Evidence-Based Resources for Couples

1. Gottman Resources, Tools, and Interventions

Books:

• "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

  • A comprehensive guide on the principles that make relationships successful, based on Gottman's extensive research.

• "The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships" by John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire

  • Focuses on improving communication and emotional connection in various relationships.

Workbooks and Tools:

• Gottman Card Decks

  • A series of card decks designed to enhance communication and intimacy. Available as a mobile app.

• Gottman Relationship Coach

  • An online program that provides video lessons, exercises, and tools based on the Gottman Method.

Online Resources:

• The Gottman Institute Website (www.gottman.com)

  • Offers a wealth of articles, blogs, and research on relationship health.

• Gottman Blog

  • Regular updates on new research, practical tips, and insights into improving relationships.

2. Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) and Attachment Styles

Books:

• "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson

  • Explores the principles of EFT and offers practical exercises for couples to enhance their emotional bond.

• "Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families" by Dr. Sue Johnson

  • A deep dive into how attachment theory can be applied in therapy to improve relationships.

Workbooks and Tools:

• "Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson

  • A companion to the book "Hold Me Tight," offering exercises and activities for couples.

• EFT Exercises and Worksheets

  • Available through EFT-trained therapists and various online resources.

Online Resources:

• ICEEFT (The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy) Website (www.iceeft.com)

  • Provides resources, articles, and a directory of EFT-trained therapists.

• Hold Me Tight Online

  • An online program based on the "Hold Me Tight" book, featuring videos and exercises for couples.

3. Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Books:

• "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

  • The foundational text on NVC, offering insights and practical steps for compassionate communication.

• "The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

  • Explores how to use anger constructively in communication.

Workbooks and Tools:

• "Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook: A Practical Guide for Individual, Group, or Classroom Study" by Lucy Leu

  • A workbook designed to complement the principles outlined in the NVC book.

• NVC Practice Groups

  • Local and online practice groups that provide support and a space to practice NVC skills.

Online Resources:

• The Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org)

  • Offers resources, training, and information on NVC.

• NVC Academy (www.nvcacademy.com)

  • Provides online courses, webinars, and materials to learn and practice NVC.

4. Additional Resources for Couples

Books:

• "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman

  • Helps couples understand and speak each other’s primary love languages to enhance intimacy and connection.

• "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" by Esther Perel

  • Explores the dynamics of desire in long-term relationships and offers insights into maintaining passion.

Online Resources:

• The Gottman Referral Network

  • A directory of therapists trained in the Gottman Method.

• Therapist Directories (such as Psychology Today, TherapyDen)

  • Lists therapists specializing in EFT, NVC, and other evidence-based approaches.

Apps:

• Lasting: Marriage & Couples

  • An app offering daily tips and exercises based on research to strengthen relationships.

• Love Nudge for Couples

  • An app based on the Five Love Languages, helping couples improve their relationship through personalized suggestions.

These resources provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples seeking to improve their relationship through evidence-based methods, including Gottman interventions, EFT, and NVC. They can be used independently or in conjunction with therapy for optimal results.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️‍🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩‍❤️‍👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com

SouthTampaTherapy@gmail.com

"These are the main issues I can help you with, this is what a typical treatment plan may involve, and the benefits you can expect..."

At South Tampa Therapy, we specialize in helping individuals and couples connect and strengthen their relationships while creating positive change in their lives. Our approach focuses on three key steps to guide you towards lasting transformation.

Step 1: Attune to Awarenesses

In the first phase of our treatment plan, we will work together to attune to awarenesses of areas in your life and relationships that could be improved. We believe that awareness is the first step towards change, and by identifying areas for growth, you gain the power of choice. Through open and honest exploration, we will uncover underlying patterns, behaviors, and beliefs that may be impacting your relationships and overall well-being.

Step 2: Attach to Agreements

Once we have identified areas for improvement, we will collaborate to create intentional steps and agreements to make positive changes and meet your goals. These agreements serve as a roadmap for your journey towards growth and transformation. By committing to specific actions and behaviors, you will begin to cultivate healthier communication patterns, deepen emotional connection, and foster greater intimacy in your relationships.

Step 3: Accountability for Lasting Change

In the final phase of our treatment plan, we will focus on accountability for lasting change. Together, we will create a maintenance plan to ensure that the progress you've made continues long after our sessions have ended. This may involve regular check-ins, ongoing support, and strategies to navigate challenges as they arise. By taking ownership of your growth and committing to ongoing self-care practices, you will experience sustained positive change in your relationships and personal life.

By following this structured approach, you can expect to experience a range of benefits, including:

1. Improved Communication: Develop effective communication skills to express your needs, listen actively, and resolve conflicts constructively.

2. Deepened Emotional Connection: Cultivate greater emotional intimacy and connection with your partner, leading to enhanced trust, understanding, and closeness.

3. Enhanced Relationship Satisfaction: Experience greater satisfaction and fulfillment in your relationships as you work towards mutual goals and shared values.

4. Personal Growth and Empowerment: Gain insight into yourself and your relationship dynamics, empowering you to make positive changes and live a more fulfilling life.

5. Lasting Change: Create lasting change that extends beyond the therapy room, allowing you to maintain healthier relationships and navigate life's challenges with confidence and resilience.

At South Tampa Therapy, we are committed to supporting you every step of the way on your journey towards healing, growth, and transformation. Together, we can create positive change that enriches your relationships and empowers you to live your best life.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️‍🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩‍❤️‍👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com

SouthTampaTherapy@gmail.com

The Gottman Approach: Understanding the Role of Proprioception and Homunculus in Relationship Dynamics

Introduction: In the realm of relationship counseling and therapy, the Gottman Approach stands out as a beacon of empirical research and practical strategies for fostering healthy, lasting connections. While many are familiar with the Gottman Method's emphasis on communication skills and emotional attunement, there's another crucial aspect often overlooked: proprioception and homunculus. In this blog post, we'll delve into why these concepts are essential in understanding and improving relationship dynamics according to the Gottman Approach.

Understanding Proprioception: Proprioception refers to the body's ability to sense its position, movement, and actions in space. It's what allows us to navigate the world without constantly looking at our limbs or surroundings. In the context of relationships, proprioception plays a fundamental role in how individuals perceive and respond to each other's physical presence and movements.

The Importance of Proprioception in Relationships: In intimate relationships, proprioception influences everything from nonverbal communication to physical touch and intimacy. Couples who are attuned to each other's proprioceptive cues can establish a deeper sense of connection and understanding without relying solely on verbal communication.

For example, a simple gesture like reaching out to hold hands or offering a comforting hug can convey reassurance, support, and love without the need for words. Likewise, being mindful of how our own body language and movements impact our partner's proprioceptive awareness can foster empathy and mutual respect in the relationship.

Exploring the Homunculus: The concept of the homunculus, derived from neuroscience, refers to a "map" of the body represented in the brain. It illustrates how different parts of the body are neurologically connected to specific areas of the brain, with certain regions being more sensitive or responsive than others.

In the context of relationships, the homunculus reminds us that physical touch and sensory experiences are deeply intertwined with emotional and psychological well-being. When partners engage in activities that stimulate their partner's homunculus – such as gentle caresses, massages, or shared physical activities – they activate neural pathways associated with pleasure, bonding, and attachment.

Practical Applications in the Gottman Approach: So, how does the Gottman Approach incorporate proprioception and homunculus awareness into couples therapy and relationship interventions? Here are a few key strategies:

1. Mindful Touch: Encouraging couples to engage in mindful touch exercises can enhance proprioceptive awareness and promote emotional connection. Activities such as hand-holding, back rubs, or synchronized movements can foster intimacy and closeness.

2. Sensory Exploration: Encouraging couples to explore each other's sensory preferences and sensitivities can deepen their understanding of each other's needs and desires. This may involve experimenting with different textures, temperatures, or sensations to enhance pleasure and connection.

3. Nonverbal Communication: Helping couples become more attuned to each other's nonverbal cues – such as body language, facial expressions, and physical gestures – can improve communication and conflict resolution skills. By paying attention to proprioceptive signals, partners can better regulate their own emotions and respond empathically to their partner's needs.

Conclusion: Incorporating proprioception and homunculus awareness into couples therapy can enrich the Gottman Approach and enhance its effectiveness in promoting healthy, fulfilling relationships. By understanding the profound impact of physical touch, sensory experiences, and nonverbal communication on relationship dynamics, couples can cultivate deeper intimacy, trust, and connection in their partnership.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

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Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Clients engaging in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney at South Tampa Therapy and her team learn to embrace their inner emotions instead of avoiding or struggling against them. The therapy emphasizes acknowledging these emotions as appropriate reactions to specific situations, rather than impediments to living the desired life.

ACT, a mindfulness-based therapy, targets the root cause of emotional distress. Human nature inclines us to evade negativity and uncertainty, but this avoidance can compound into greater harm. This therapy helps individuals confront these challenging emotions, fostering the ability to live in the present and make conscious choices about life's priorities.

Expect ACT to address a wide array of conditions, including relational issues, anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Dr. Mahaney focuses on enhancing six key skills throughout the therapy:

1. Defusion: Stepping back from thoughts to prevent immersion or entanglement in them.

2. Openness: Allowing emotional pain without necessarily embracing it, counteracting avoidance.

3. Present moment: Being mindful of sensory experiences in the current moment.

4. Self as Context: Understanding oneself independently of struggles or narratives.

5. Values: Identifying important aspects that drive choices and actions.

6. Committed Actions: Making choices aligned with one's core values in various situations.

Strengthening these skills through ACT aids in managing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, reducing emotional distress. Incorporating mindfulness into daily life facilitates living in alignment with personal values and leads to a more meaningful existence.

To embark on this transformative journey with ACT, book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney at South Tampa Therapy.

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Text me with any questions: 813-240-3237

Greetings from Antarctica: The Transformative Power of Travel Adventures on Mental Health and Well-being

As I climbed a snowy hill on the Antarctic Peninsula earlier today, I was struck by how exhilarating it felt to be in subzero temperatures far from the safety and comfort of home. And while friends back in Tampa frolicked in 80-degree weather, I couldn’t have been happier suiting up for an authentic polar plunge in freezing (literally) water. Why does travel, even to destinations closer to home, create feelings of happiness and renewal? 

In our fast-paced world filled with constant demands and pressures, the importance of prioritizing mental health and well-being has become increasingly evident. One avenue that offers a profound impact on mental health is embarking on traveling adventures. Beyond the thrill of exploration and discovery, traveling away from home and our daily hustle offers numerous benefits for mental health and overall well-being.

Stress Reduction and Relaxation

One of the most immediate benefits of adventures in travel is a reduction of stress and promotion of relaxation. Stepping away from familiar surroundings and routine allows us to disconnect from the stressors of daily life. Immersing oneself in new environments, whether it be a serene beach, a bustling city, or a lush mountain landscape, can have a profound impact on stress levels. The change of scenery and exposure to novel experiences trigger a relaxation response, leading to lowered cortisol levels and a sense of calmness.

Enhanced Creativity and Cognitive Flexibility

Travel also stimulates creativity and cognitive flexibility by exposing us to diverse cultures, landscapes, and perspectives. Our brains thrive on novelty, and the exploration of new environments encourages development of new neural connections. Engaging with different cultures fosters an open-minded approach and an ability to adapt to unfamiliar situations, ultimately enhancing cognitive flexibility. This newfound creativity and adaptability gained on our adventures positively impacts problem-solving skills and promotes a more resilient mindset.

Boost in Emotional Resilience

Even those annoying challenges and uncertainties while traveling contribute to the development of emotional resilience. Navigating through unfamiliar territories, dealing with unexpected situations (such as lost luggage), and adapting to diverse cultures all contribute to a heightened ability to cope with adversity. Overcoming these challenges fosters a sense of accomplishment and self-efficacy, reinforcing the belief that we can navigate through difficulties successfully. This increased emotional resilience gained from new adventures can have lasting positive effects on our overall mental health.

Connection and Social Well-being

Travel often involves interacting with new people, whether fellow travelers, locals, or tour guides. Building connections and socializing during these experiences can combat feelings of loneliness and contribute to a sense of belonging. Meeting new people provides us opportunities for personal growth, empathy, and the creation of lasting memories. Positive social experiences while on the road strengthens emotional bonds, reduces feelings of isolation, and contributes to an overall sense of happiness and well-being.

As individuals embark on journeys to explore the world, they not only witness the beauty of different landscapes but also experience transformative changes within themselves. By prioritizing and embracing the positive impact of traveling adventures on mental health, individuals can cultivate a more resilient and balanced approach to life, ultimately leading to a happier and healthier existence.

So drag out your suitcase and get packing!

Bon voyage,

Lana Phillips (Book and appointment with Lana Phillips here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/LanaPhillips

Counseling for College Students in Tampa

At South Tampa Therapy with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, specialized Counseling for College Students addresses academic-social balance, roommate conflicts, and post-college concerns. Entering college signifies independence, yet struggles with fitting in, missing family or hometown, and uncertainty about the future are common experiences.

Feeling alone amidst the apparent ease of others' adjustments can exacerbate these transitions, causing anxiety, depression, and isolation. Recognize that these feelings, while normal, can impact your daily life significantly.

Symptoms like persistent emptiness, loss of interest in activities, academic setbacks, self-esteem issues, pessimism about the future, and physical stress signs may indicate depression or anxiety.

Counseling offers proven help for college students dealing with mental health challenges. While campus resources might be limited, seeking support in a comfortable and private environment can make a difference. Our team at South Tampa Therapy comprises qualified professionals passionate about helping students navigate these challenges.

We prioritize understanding each individual's needs, fostering a judgment-free, compassionate space for growth. Located in St. Petersburg, FL, we actively engage with the college community, building relationships with faculty and staff to ensure comprehensive support.

Remote counseling services via HIPAA-compliant video platforms offer flexibility, ensuring support regardless of your location. Face-to-face sessions are optimal, but remote sessions serve as a valuable resource in emergencies or when away from home.

Whether you're local or distant, our team is dedicated to providing the care and support you need during your college journey. Contact us anytime for assistance.

Book an initial Intake to start making positive changes! 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Text Dr. Liz on her cell phone 813-240-3237

Transform Your Relationship: Evidence-Based Couples Therapy in South Tampa

Introduction

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, even the strongest relationships can face challenges. If you're seeking to enhance your connection, improve communication, and resolve conflicts, evidence-based couples therapy might be the beacon of hope you're looking for. In this blog post, we'll explore the benefits of evidence-based couples therapy, with a focus on communication and conflict resolution, right here in South Tampa.

Understanding Evidence-Based Couples Therapy

Evidence-based couples therapy is a scientifically validated approach that draws on proven techniques to help couples navigate the complexities of their relationship. It's not about guesswork; it's about using strategies that have been rigorously tested and shown to be effective.

Specializing in Communication

1. Active Listening: Effective communication begins with truly hearing and understanding your partner. Through evidence-based techniques, couples learn the art of active listening, ensuring both voices are heard.

2. Expressing Needs Clearly: Often, miscommunication arises from unclear expressions of needs. In therapy, couples learn to articulate their desires in a way that is constructive and comprehensible to their partner.

3. Non-Verbal Cues: Much of our communication happens without words. Evidence-based therapy helps couples become attuned to non-verbal cues, fostering a deeper level of understanding.

Conflict Resolution: A Vital Component

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. What matters most is how it's handled. Evidence-based couples therapy equips partners with essential conflict resolution skills:

1. Identifying Core Issues: Often, surface-level conflicts mask deeper, underlying issues. Therapy helps unearth these core concerns, allowing for more effective resolution.

2. Constructive Communication during Conflict: Instead of resorting to harmful patterns, couples learn how to communicate constructively even in the midst of disagreement.

3. Finding Common Ground: Evidence-based techniques guide couples towards finding solutions that are acceptable to both parties, strengthening the relationship in the process.

Couples Therapy in South Tampa: Your Path to Transformation

For couples seeking evidence-based therapy specializing in communication and conflict resolution, South Tampa is home to a wealth of experienced and dedicated professionals. With their expertise, you can embark on a journey towards a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Conclusion

In the heart of South Tampa, evidence-based couples therapy is available to guide you towards a more harmonious partnership. By honing your communication skills and mastering conflict resolution, you can transform your relationship into one that thrives. Don't wait to take this important step towards a brighter future together. Reach out to a qualified couples therapist in South Tampa today and rediscover the love and connection you deserve.

Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships

Introduction

Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.

Understanding the Gottman Approach

1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.

2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.

3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.

Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out

1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.

3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.

The Power of Integration

When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.

1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.

2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.

3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.

In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.

Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.

The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.

NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.

Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.

It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.

It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.

In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.

When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.

Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.

Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.

Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.

Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake