SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
The Simple Formula That Keeps Couples Happy
At South Tampa Counselor, we specialize in helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re working through conflict, rebuilding trust, or simply looking to deepen your connection, our evidence-based approaches, including the Gottman Method and Emotion-Focused Therapy, can provide the tools you need.
By Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, South Tampa Therapy Owner, Counselor & Supervisor
What’s the secret to a happy and lasting relationship? Some psychologists believe it boils down to a simple yet powerful formula: the 5:1 ratio. This concept, developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Robert Levenson of the renowned Gottman Institute, emphasizes the importance of balancing negativity with positivity in your relationship.
For every negative interaction—like criticism, defensiveness, or dismissiveness—there should be at least five positive interactions to maintain a healthy and happy connection.
The Research Behind the 5:1 Formula
In the 1970s, Dr. Gottman and Dr. Levenson began studying couples by observing how they handled disagreements. Through this research, they achieved a stunning 90% accuracy in predicting which couples would stay together and which would divorce. Their conclusion? Successful couples weren’t conflict-free, but they maintained more positive interactions than negative ones—even during arguments.
According to Dr. Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, anger itself isn’t necessarily destructive in a marriage. However, when anger is paired with criticism, contempt, or defensiveness, it can erode trust and connection. The antidote is intentional effort to repair and connect during conflicts, ensuring that positivity outweighs negativity.
How to Build More Positive Interactions
You don’t need grand gestures to boost the 5:1 ratio. Dr. Gottman outlines small but meaningful behaviors that couples can practice to strengthen their bond—even during disagreements. Here are a few ways to create more positivity in your relationship:
1. Show Interest
When your partner shares a complaint or concern, be genuinely curious about what’s upsetting them. Ask follow-up questions, show understanding through body language, and avoid dismissing their feelings. This simple act of listening makes your partner feel heard and valued.
2. Express Affection
In the middle of a heated discussion, a kind word, a reassuring touch, or verbal affirmation can go a long way. These small acts of affection can lower stress and remind your partner that you’re on the same team.
3. Make Small, Meaningful Gestures
Simple, consistent gestures—like a compliment, an unexpected hug, or a thoughtful text—act as “buffers” during moments of tension. These signals of care build a positive emotional bank that helps sustain your relationship through tough times.
4. Focus on Common Ground
Even during an argument, emphasize the points you agree on. This shared understanding can create momentum toward resolving the issue and helps both partners feel aligned.
5. Empathize and Apologize
Empathy is one of the deepest forms of connection. Acknowledging your partner’s feelings—even if you don’t fully agree—can diffuse tension. If you’ve hurt your partner, offer a sincere apology. Repairing emotional wounds is key to rebuilding trust.
6. Accept Their Perspective
You don’t have to agree with your partner to respect their viewpoint. Validation shows that you value their thoughts and experiences, even if they differ from yours.
7. Share a Joke or Playful Moment
Humor can be a powerful tool for diffusing conflict. Sharing a lighthearted joke or playful moment can break tension and remind you both of the joy in your connection.
Why the 5:1 Formula Works
The beauty of the 5:1 formula lies in its simplicity. When couples focus on consistent, small acts of connection, they build a reservoir of goodwill and emotional safety. This makes it easier to navigate conflicts and maintain closeness over time.
Remember, no relationship is perfect, and disagreements are inevitable. What sets happy couples apart is their ability to repair and reconnect—turning moments of tension into opportunities for deeper intimacy.
Strengthen Your Relationship Today
At South Tampa Counselor, we specialize in helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re working through conflict, rebuilding trust, or simply looking to deepen your connection, our evidence-based approaches, including the Gottman Method and Emotion-Focused Therapy, can provide the tools you need.
If you’re ready to create more positive interactions and nurture your relationship, contact us today to schedule a session.
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist
❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩❤️👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA
I Will Help You Connect On A Deeper Level With Your Partner!
I can help couples slow down, communicate more effectively, and build a deeper emotional connection.
I’m looking forward to meeting you and helping connect with your partner now…
Slowing partners down during a session to facilitate deeper connection can be crucial in helping them communicate more effectively and understand each other's emotions more fully. Here are some strategies you we can use together during a session:
1. Mindful Breathing Together
What: Invite the couple to engage in a few moments of mindful breathing together before they begin discussing difficult topics.
Why: This can help ground them in the present moment, reduce anxiety, and create a calmer atmosphere for deeper connection.
2. Reflective Listening
What: Encourage each partner to take turns speaking without interruption while the other listens attentively. After one partner speaks, the other should reflect back what they heard, focusing on understanding the emotions and needs expressed.
Why: Reflective listening ensures that each partner feels heard and validated, which fosters empathy and deeper emotional connection.
3. Use of "I" Statements
What: Guide the couple to use "I" statements (e.g., "I feel..." or "I need...") instead of "You" statements, which can often feel accusatory.
Why: "I" statements help each partner express their feelings and needs without blaming or attacking the other, which slows down reactive responses and opens the door for more meaningful dialogue.
4. Pausing and Checking In
What: Introduce pauses during the conversation where each partner can check in with themselves and each other. Ask them to reflect on what they are feeling in the moment and how they are responding to what is being said.
Why: Pausing helps interrupt automatic reactions and allows both partners to process their emotions and thoughts more deeply before continuing the conversation.
5. Emotional Validation
What: Encourage partners to acknowledge and validate each other's emotions before moving on to problem-solving or responses.
Why: Validation shows understanding and empathy, which can slow down the pace of the conversation and allow for a deeper emotional connection.
6. Use of Metaphors or Visualizations
What: Introduce metaphors or visualizations to help partners understand each other's emotional states or experiences more deeply (e.g., “Imagine your partner is carrying a heavy backpack. What might be inside?”).
Why: Metaphors and visualizations can shift the conversation from surface-level issues to the underlying emotional dynamics, facilitating deeper understanding.
7. Focused Eye Contact
What: Ask the couple to make and maintain eye contact for a few moments without speaking.
Why: Eye contact can be a powerful way to foster connection, allowing partners to feel more emotionally attuned and connected.
8. Slow Down the Pace of Speech
What: Encourage each partner to speak more slowly and deliberately, focusing on their tone and word choice.
Why: Slowing down speech helps reduce defensiveness and allows for more thoughtful, intentional communication.
9. Set Time for Self-Reflection
What: Suggest that each partner take a few minutes to silently reflect on their emotions and needs before responding during a discussion.
Why: Self-reflection helps partners understand their own emotions more clearly, leading to more meaningful exchanges.
10. Highlighting Positive Interactions
What: During sessions, focus on and amplify moments where partners successfully connect or show understanding towards each other.
Why: Reinforcing positive interactions can help partners slow down and appreciate these moments, fostering a deeper connection.
By implementing these strategies, I can help couples slow down, communicate more effectively, and build a deeper emotional connection.
I’m looking forward to meeting you and helping connect with your partner now…
By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist
❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩❤️👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA
Curated List of Supplemental Evidence-Based Resources for Couples
These resources provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples seeking to improve their relationship through evidence-based methods, including Gottman interventions, EFT, and NVC. They can be used independently or in conjunction with therapy for optimal results.
1. Gottman Resources, Tools, and Interventions
Books:
"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
A comprehensive guide on the principles that make relationships successful, based on Gottman's extensive research.
"The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships" by John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire
Focuses on improving communication and emotional connection in various relationships.
Workbooks and Tools:
Gottman Card Decks
A series of card decks designed to enhance communication and intimacy. Available as a mobile app.
Gottman Relationship Coach
An online program that provides video lessons, exercises, and tools based on the Gottman Method.
Online Resources:
The Gottman Institute Website (www.gottman.com)
Offers a wealth of articles, blogs, and research on relationship health.
Gottman Blog
Regular updates on new research, practical tips, and insights into improving relationships.
2. Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) and Attachment Styles
Books:
"Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson
Explores the principles of EFT and offers practical exercises for couples to enhance their emotional bond.
"Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families" by Dr. Sue Johnson
A deep dive into how attachment theory can be applied in therapy to improve relationships.
Workbooks and Tools:
"Hold Me Tight Workbook: A Couple's Guide for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson
A companion to the book "Hold Me Tight," offering exercises and activities for couples.
EFT Exercises and Worksheets
Available through EFT-trained therapists and various online resources.
Online Resources:
ICEEFT (The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy) Website (www.iceeft.com)
Provides resources, articles, and a directory of EFT-trained therapists.
Hold Me Tight Online
An online program based on the "Hold Me Tight" book, featuring videos and exercises for couples.
3. Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Books:
"Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg
The foundational text on NVC, offering insights and practical steps for compassionate communication.
"The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift" by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Explores how to use anger constructively in communication.
Workbooks and Tools:
"Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook: A Practical Guide for Individual, Group, or Classroom Study" by Lucy Leu
A workbook designed to complement the principles outlined in the NVC book.
NVC Practice Groups
Local and online practice groups that provide support and a space to practice NVC skills.
Online Resources:
The Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org)
Offers resources, training, and information on NVC.
NVC Academy (www.nvcacademy.com)
Provides online courses, webinars, and materials to learn and practice NVC.
4. Additional Resources for Couples
Books:
"The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman
Helps couples understand and speak each other’s primary love languages to enhance intimacy and connection.
"Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" by Esther Perel
Explores the dynamics of desire in long-term relationships and offers insights into maintaining passion.
Online Resources:
The Gottman Referral Network
A directory of therapists trained in the Gottman Method.
Therapist Directories (such as Psychology Today, TherapyDen)
Lists therapists specializing in EFT, NVC, and other evidence-based approaches.
Apps:
Lasting: Marriage & Couples
An app offering daily tips and exercises based on research to strengthen relationships.
Love Nudge for Couples
An app based on the Five Love Languages, helping couples improve their relationship through personalized suggestions.
These resources provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples seeking to improve their relationship through evidence-based methods, including Gottman interventions, EFT, and NVC. They can be used independently or in conjunction with therapy for optimal results.
By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist
❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩❤️👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA
"These are the main issues I can help you with, this is what a typical treatment plan may involve, and the benefits you can expect..."
At South Tampa Therapy, we are committed to supporting you every step of the way on your journey towards healing, growth, and transformation. Together, we can create positive change that enriches your relationships and empowers you to live your best life.
At South Tampa Therapy, we specialize in helping individuals and couples connect and strengthen their relationships while creating positive change in their lives. Our approach focuses on three key steps to guide you towards lasting transformation.
Step 1: Attune to Awarenesses
In the first phase of our treatment plan, we will work together to attune to awarenesses of areas in your life and relationships that could be improved. We believe that awareness is the first step towards change, and by identifying areas for growth, you gain the power of choice. Through open and honest exploration, we will uncover underlying patterns, behaviors, and beliefs that may be impacting your relationships and overall well-being.
Step 2: Attach to Agreements
Once we have identified areas for improvement, we will collaborate to create intentional steps and agreements to make positive changes and meet your goals. These agreements serve as a roadmap for your journey towards growth and transformation. By committing to specific actions and behaviors, you will begin to cultivate healthier communication patterns, deepen emotional connection, and foster greater intimacy in your relationships.
Step 3: Accountability for Lasting Change
In the final phase of our treatment plan, we will focus on accountability for lasting change. Together, we will create a maintenance plan to ensure that the progress you've made continues long after our sessions have ended. This may involve regular check-ins, ongoing support, and strategies to navigate challenges as they arise. By taking ownership of your growth and committing to ongoing self-care practices, you will experience sustained positive change in your relationships and personal life.
By following this structured approach, you can expect to experience a range of benefits, including:
Improved Communication: Develop effective communication skills to express your needs, listen actively, and resolve conflicts constructively.
Deepened Emotional Connection: Cultivate greater emotional intimacy and connection with your partner, leading to enhanced trust, understanding, and closeness.
Enhanced Relationship Satisfaction: Experience greater satisfaction and fulfillment in your relationships as you work towards mutual goals and shared values.
Personal Growth and Empowerment: Gain insight into yourself and your relationship dynamics, empowering you to make positive changes and live a more fulfilling life.
Lasting Change: Create lasting change that extends beyond the therapy room, allowing you to maintain healthier relationships and navigate life's challenges with confidence and resilience.
At South Tampa Therapy, we are committed to supporting you every step of the way on your journey towards healing, growth, and transformation. Together, we can create positive change that enriches your relationships and empowers you to live your best life.
By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist
❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩❤️👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA
The Gottman Approach: Understanding the Role of Proprioception and Homunculus in Relationship Dynamics
Incorporating proprioception and homunculus awareness into couples therapy can enrich the Gottman Approach and enhance its effectiveness in promoting healthy, fulfilling relationships. By understanding the profound impact of physical touch, sensory experiences, and nonverbal communication on relationship dynamics, couples can cultivate deeper intimacy, trust, and connection in their partnership.
Introduction: In the realm of relationship counseling and therapy, the Gottman Approach stands out as a beacon of empirical research and practical strategies for fostering healthy, lasting connections. While many are familiar with the Gottman Method's emphasis on communication skills and emotional attunement, there's another crucial aspect often overlooked: proprioception and homunculus. In this blog post, we'll delve into why these concepts are essential in understanding and improving relationship dynamics according to the Gottman Approach.
Understanding Proprioception: Proprioception refers to the body's ability to sense its position, movement, and actions in space. It's what allows us to navigate the world without constantly looking at our limbs or surroundings. In the context of relationships, proprioception plays a fundamental role in how individuals perceive and respond to each other's physical presence and movements.
The Importance of Proprioception in Relationships: In intimate relationships, proprioception influences everything from nonverbal communication to physical touch and intimacy. Couples who are attuned to each other's proprioceptive cues can establish a deeper sense of connection and understanding without relying solely on verbal communication.
For example, a simple gesture like reaching out to hold hands or offering a comforting hug can convey reassurance, support, and love without the need for words. Likewise, being mindful of how our own body language and movements impact our partner's proprioceptive awareness can foster empathy and mutual respect in the relationship.
Exploring the Homunculus: The concept of the homunculus, derived from neuroscience, refers to a "map" of the body represented in the brain. It illustrates how different parts of the body are neurologically connected to specific areas of the brain, with certain regions being more sensitive or responsive than others.
In the context of relationships, the homunculus reminds us that physical touch and sensory experiences are deeply intertwined with emotional and psychological well-being. When partners engage in activities that stimulate their partner's homunculus – such as gentle caresses, massages, or shared physical activities – they activate neural pathways associated with pleasure, bonding, and attachment.
Practical Applications in the Gottman Approach: So, how does the Gottman Approach incorporate proprioception and homunculus awareness into couples therapy and relationship interventions? Here are a few key strategies:
Mindful Touch: Encouraging couples to engage in mindful touch exercises can enhance proprioceptive awareness and promote emotional connection. Activities such as hand-holding, back rubs, or synchronized movements can foster intimacy and closeness.
Sensory Exploration: Encouraging couples to explore each other's sensory preferences and sensitivities can deepen their understanding of each other's needs and desires. This may involve experimenting with different textures, temperatures, or sensations to enhance pleasure and connection.
Nonverbal Communication: Helping couples become more attuned to each other's nonverbal cues – such as body language, facial expressions, and physical gestures – can improve communication and conflict resolution skills. By paying attention to proprioceptive signals, partners can better regulate their own emotions and respond empathically to their partner's needs.
Conclusion: Incorporating proprioception and homunculus awareness into couples therapy can enrich the Gottman Approach and enhance its effectiveness in promoting healthy, fulfilling relationships. By understanding the profound impact of physical touch, sensory experiences, and nonverbal communication on relationship dynamics, couples can cultivate deeper intimacy, trust, and connection in their partnership.
By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist
❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Clients engaging in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney at South Tampa Therapy and her team learn to embrace their inner emotions instead of avoiding or struggling against them. The therapy emphasizes acknowledging these emotions as appropriate reactions to specific situations, rather than impediments to living the desired life. ACT, a mindfulness-based therapy, targets the root cause of emotional distress. Human nature inclines us to evade negativity and uncertainty, but this avoidance can compound into greater harm. This therapy helps individuals confront these challenging emotions, fostering the ability to live in the present and make conscious choices about life's priorities.
Clients engaging in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney at South Tampa Therapy and her team learn to embrace their inner emotions instead of avoiding or struggling against them. The therapy emphasizes acknowledging these emotions as appropriate reactions to specific situations, rather than impediments to living the desired life.
ACT, a mindfulness-based therapy, targets the root cause of emotional distress. Human nature inclines us to evade negativity and uncertainty, but this avoidance can compound into greater harm. This therapy helps individuals confront these challenging emotions, fostering the ability to live in the present and make conscious choices about life's priorities.
Expect ACT to address a wide array of conditions, including relational issues, anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Dr. Mahaney focuses on enhancing six key skills throughout the therapy:
Defusion: Stepping back from thoughts to prevent immersion or entanglement in them.
Openness: Allowing emotional pain without necessarily embracing it, counteracting avoidance.
Present moment: Being mindful of sensory experiences in the current moment.
Self as Context: Understanding oneself independently of struggles or narratives.
Values: Identifying important aspects that drive choices and actions.
Committed Actions: Making choices aligned with one's core values in various situations.
Strengthening these skills through ACT aids in managing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, reducing emotional distress. Incorporating mindfulness into daily life facilitates living in alignment with personal values and leads to a more meaningful existence.
To embark on this transformative journey with ACT, book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney at South Tampa Therapy.
https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake
Text me with any questions: 813-240-3237
Greetings from Antarctica: The Transformative Power of Travel Adventures on Mental Health and Well-being
In our fast-paced world filled with constant demands and pressures, the importance of prioritizing mental health and well-being has become increasingly evident. One avenue that offers a profound impact on mental health is embarking on traveling adventures. Beyond the thrill of exploration and discovery, traveling away from home and our daily hustle offers numerous benefits for mental health and overall well-being.
As I climbed a snowy hill on the Antarctic Peninsula earlier today, I was struck by how exhilarating it felt to be in subzero temperatures far from the safety and comfort of home. And while friends back in Tampa frolicked in 80-degree weather, I couldn’t have been happier suiting up for an authentic polar plunge in freezing (literally) water. Why does travel, even to destinations closer to home, create feelings of happiness and renewal?
In our fast-paced world filled with constant demands and pressures, the importance of prioritizing mental health and well-being has become increasingly evident. One avenue that offers a profound impact on mental health is embarking on traveling adventures. Beyond the thrill of exploration and discovery, traveling away from home and our daily hustle offers numerous benefits for mental health and overall well-being.
Stress Reduction and Relaxation
One of the most immediate benefits of adventures in travel is a reduction of stress and promotion of relaxation. Stepping away from familiar surroundings and routine allows us to disconnect from the stressors of daily life. Immersing oneself in new environments, whether it be a serene beach, a bustling city, or a lush mountain landscape, can have a profound impact on stress levels. The change of scenery and exposure to novel experiences trigger a relaxation response, leading to lowered cortisol levels and a sense of calmness.
Enhanced Creativity and Cognitive Flexibility
Travel also stimulates creativity and cognitive flexibility by exposing us to diverse cultures, landscapes, and perspectives. Our brains thrive on novelty, and the exploration of new environments encourages development of new neural connections. Engaging with different cultures fosters an open-minded approach and an ability to adapt to unfamiliar situations, ultimately enhancing cognitive flexibility. This newfound creativity and adaptability gained on our adventures positively impacts problem-solving skills and promotes a more resilient mindset.
Boost in Emotional Resilience
Even those annoying challenges and uncertainties while traveling contribute to the development of emotional resilience. Navigating through unfamiliar territories, dealing with unexpected situations (such as lost luggage), and adapting to diverse cultures all contribute to a heightened ability to cope with adversity. Overcoming these challenges fosters a sense of accomplishment and self-efficacy, reinforcing the belief that we can navigate through difficulties successfully. This increased emotional resilience gained from new adventures can have lasting positive effects on our overall mental health.
Connection and Social Well-being
Travel often involves interacting with new people, whether fellow travelers, locals, or tour guides. Building connections and socializing during these experiences can combat feelings of loneliness and contribute to a sense of belonging. Meeting new people provides us opportunities for personal growth, empathy, and the creation of lasting memories. Positive social experiences while on the road strengthens emotional bonds, reduces feelings of isolation, and contributes to an overall sense of happiness and well-being.
As individuals embark on journeys to explore the world, they not only witness the beauty of different landscapes but also experience transformative changes within themselves. By prioritizing and embracing the positive impact of traveling adventures on mental health, individuals can cultivate a more resilient and balanced approach to life, ultimately leading to a happier and healthier existence.
So drag out your suitcase and get packing!
Bon voyage,
Lana Phillips (Book and appointment with Lana Phillips here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/LanaPhillips
Counseling for College Students in Tampa
At South Tampa Therapy with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, specialized Counseling for College Students addresses academic-social balance, roommate conflicts, and post-college concerns. Entering college signifies independence, yet struggles with fitting in, missing family or hometown, and uncertainty about the future are common experiences.
At South Tampa Therapy with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, specialized Counseling for College Students addresses academic-social balance, roommate conflicts, and post-college concerns. Entering college signifies independence, yet struggles with fitting in, missing family or hometown, and uncertainty about the future are common experiences.
Feeling alone amidst the apparent ease of others' adjustments can exacerbate these transitions, causing anxiety, depression, and isolation. Recognize that these feelings, while normal, can impact your daily life significantly.
Symptoms like persistent emptiness, loss of interest in activities, academic setbacks, self-esteem issues, pessimism about the future, and physical stress signs may indicate depression or anxiety.
Counseling offers proven help for college students dealing with mental health challenges. While campus resources might be limited, seeking support in a comfortable and private environment can make a difference. Our team at South Tampa Therapy comprises qualified professionals passionate about helping students navigate these challenges.
We prioritize understanding each individual's needs, fostering a judgment-free, compassionate space for growth. Located in St. Petersburg, FL, we actively engage with the college community, building relationships with faculty and staff to ensure comprehensive support.
Remote counseling services via HIPAA-compliant video platforms offer flexibility, ensuring support regardless of your location. Face-to-face sessions are optimal, but remote sessions serve as a valuable resource in emergencies or when away from home.
Whether you're local or distant, our team is dedicated to providing the care and support you need during your college journey. Contact us anytime for assistance.
Book an initial Intake to start making positive changes!
https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake
Text Dr. Liz on her cell phone 813-240-3237
Transform Your Relationship: Evidence-Based Couples Therapy in South Tampa
In the heart of South Tampa, evidence-based couples therapy is available to guide you towards a more harmonious partnership. By honing your communication skills and mastering conflict resolution, you can transform your relationship into one that thrives. Don't wait to take this important step towards a brighter future together. Reach out to a qualified couples therapist in South Tampa today and rediscover the love and connection you deserve.
Introduction
In the hustle and bustle of modern life, even the strongest relationships can face challenges. If you're seeking to enhance your connection, improve communication, and resolve conflicts, evidence-based couples therapy might be the beacon of hope you're looking for. In this blog post, we'll explore the benefits of evidence-based couples therapy, with a focus on communication and conflict resolution, right here in South Tampa.
Understanding Evidence-Based Couples Therapy
Evidence-based couples therapy is a scientifically validated approach that draws on proven techniques to help couples navigate the complexities of their relationship. It's not about guesswork; it's about using strategies that have been rigorously tested and shown to be effective.
Specializing in Communication
1. Active Listening: Effective communication begins with truly hearing and understanding your partner. Through evidence-based techniques, couples learn the art of active listening, ensuring both voices are heard.
2. Expressing Needs Clearly: Often, miscommunication arises from unclear expressions of needs. In therapy, couples learn to articulate their desires in a way that is constructive and comprehensible to their partner.
3. Non-Verbal Cues: Much of our communication happens without words. Evidence-based therapy helps couples become attuned to non-verbal cues, fostering a deeper level of understanding.
Conflict Resolution: A Vital Component
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. What matters most is how it's handled. Evidence-based couples therapy equips partners with essential conflict resolution skills:
1. Identifying Core Issues: Often, surface-level conflicts mask deeper, underlying issues. Therapy helps unearth these core concerns, allowing for more effective resolution.
2. Constructive Communication during Conflict: Instead of resorting to harmful patterns, couples learn how to communicate constructively even in the midst of disagreement.
3. Finding Common Ground: Evidence-based techniques guide couples towards finding solutions that are acceptable to both parties, strengthening the relationship in the process.
Couples Therapy in South Tampa: Your Path to Transformation
For couples seeking evidence-based therapy specializing in communication and conflict resolution, South Tampa is home to a wealth of experienced and dedicated professionals. With their expertise, you can embark on a journey towards a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Conclusion
In the heart of South Tampa, evidence-based couples therapy is available to guide you towards a more harmonious partnership. By honing your communication skills and mastering conflict resolution, you can transform your relationship into one that thrives. Don't wait to take this important step towards a brighter future together. Reach out to a qualified couples therapist in South Tampa today and rediscover the love and connection you deserve.
Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships
Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.
Introduction
Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.
Understanding the Gottman Approach
1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.
2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.
3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.
Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out
1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.
2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.
3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.
The Power of Integration
When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.
1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.
2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.
3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.
Conclusion
Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.
Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant
individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.
People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.
All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all
Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.
Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.
Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.
No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.
You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse.
Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:
Secure attachment style
Anxious attachment style
Avoidant attachment style
If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.
The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.
People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:
The way they see intimacy and togetherness.
The way they deal with conflict.
Their behavior towards sex.
Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.
Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.
In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?
Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing
Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.
But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.
The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.
However, total change isn't always necessary.
Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.
Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.
Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.
It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.
When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.
Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.
When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.
Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.
If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:
If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.
Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.
You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.
Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.
Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:
Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.
Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.
Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.
Assess their reaction to effective communication.
Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing
Things to note before getting serious with a partner
When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.
People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.
Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.
If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.
If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:
You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.
You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.
You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so.
You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.
Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.
Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way
Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.
Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.
Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:
Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"
Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner
Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts
Not saying, "I love you," often
Avoiding physical closeness
If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.
Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.
An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.
However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:
Identifying deactivating strategies.
Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.
Being with a very secure partner.
Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.
Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.
Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.
Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.
It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.
Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.
People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.
People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.
So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.
Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:
Great conflict deflators
Mentally flexible and smart
Effective and great communicators (NVC)
Avoids game playing
Comfortable with closeness and boundaries
Quick to forgive
Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one
Treats their partners like royalty, with respect
Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship
Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing
There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.
Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:
Manage conflict effectively
Don't play games
Set boundaries
Be quick to forgive
Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples
Have mental flexibility
Communicate compassionately and effectively
Be secure in your power to improve the relationship
Treat your partner like royalty
Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously
Conclusion
Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.
Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.
It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.
It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?
How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.
Try this:
• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).
• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.
• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness
• Have trust and patience in your partner.
• Learn about the Gottman Approach.
Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!
Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:
https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD
Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships
NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.
In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.
Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.
The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.
NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.
Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.
It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.
It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.
In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.
These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.
A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”
What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”
What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”
This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)
Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.
The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.
When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.
Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.
Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.
Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.
Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.
Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:
How I Integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy
When working with couples, I begin with the Gottman Method, using the Sound Relationship House model. It provides a practical and understandable framework that couples can readily adopt. The structured assessment process of the Gottman Method is reassuring and transparent, allowing couples to share their story, be heard individually and together, and identify their relationship strengths and areas for growth. The process instills hope as strengths are highlighted, growth areas are connected with specific skills to be learned, and couples leave with a roadmap for their therapeutic journey.
Integrating the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy allows for a flexible approach that can shift between relationship-building and attachment-oriented therapy based on the client's needs. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Susan Johnson conducted pioneering research on creating happy and lasting relationships. Initially known primarily in academic circles, their work provided an empirical foundation to the often chaotic and unpredictable field of couples therapy.
Both Gottman and Johnson developed unique models of successful adult relationships, based on different perspectives and data sets. Gottman's research focused on longitudinal and observational studies of couples, examining both distressed relationships and satisfying ones. Johnson, on the other hand, drew from the theoretical framework of John Bowlby and her extensive experience in decoding and tracking couples therapy sessions, resulting in an empirical model of couples therapy.
The Gottmans emphasized relationship skill-building and an existential lens, while Johnson's approach was firmly grounded in Attachment Theory. There were also differences in their views on couples therapy and the role of the therapist. The Gottmans cautioned against therapists becoming indispensable to the couple and encouraged coaching couples to manage their own conflicts and intimacy. Johnson, however, saw the therapist as a "secure base" and aimed to create a secure container where anxiously or avoidantly attached partners could express vulnerable feelings and needs.
Despite their differences, the exciting development lies in the convergence of their approaches and the ability to seamlessly integrate both in couples therapy. This integration allows therapists to adapt their approach based on the couple's emotional system.
When working with couples, I begin with the Gottman Method, using the Sound Relationship House model. It provides a practical and understandable framework that couples can readily adopt. The structured assessment process of the Gottman Method is reassuring and transparent, allowing couples to share their story, be heard individually and together, and identify their relationship strengths and areas for growth. The process instills hope as strengths are highlighted, growth areas are connected with specific skills to be learned, and couples leave with a roadmap for their therapeutic journey.
However, the real work starts when addressing the emotional focus and the influence of attachment histories, styles, and internal working models in intimate relationships, as recognized by both Gottman and Johnson. While helping couples replace destructive patterns with healthier alternatives, I am attuned to their negative emotional cycles and unresolved hurts. With Gottman's language and relationship science in one hand and Johnson's emotion-focused and interpersonal tools in the other, I weave both approaches into the therapeutic process.
For example, when addressing criticism and contempt, I provide practical information to one spouse while simultaneously validating and exploring the attachment needs and emotions of the other partner. I employ Gottman's structured exercises, such as the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident form, to help couples process arguments and improve their dialogue. Simultaneously, I examine the underlying dynamics of the conflict, considering attachment histories and their impact on individuals' ability to let go of anger or offer tenderness.
The integration of Gottman and Johnson becomes evident in working with bids, turning towards, and processing failed bids. I understand that not all hurts are equal and that certain emotional injuries can be traumatic, triggering deeply held beliefs about oneself, the partner, and relationships. Gottman's Sound Relationship House theory helps couples understand the connection between emotional bank accounts and the overall health of the relationship. Johnson's tools, on the other hand, aid in repairing depleted emotional accounts, acknowledging and healing attachment injuries, and restoring the bond between partners.
While I confess my initial affinity for the Gottman Method, finding comfort in its alignment with my therapeutic style, Johnson's approach challenges me to navigate the depths of primary emotions.
References:
Gottman, J.M. (2007). Marital Therapy: A research-based approach. Training manual for the Level I professional workshop for clinicians. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown and Company.
Meunier, V. and Baker, W. (2012). Positive Couple Relationships: The evidence for long lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Roffey, S. (Ed.) Positive Relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world. Sydney, Australia: Springer Publications.
Young, M.A. (2005). Creating a Confluence: An Interview With Susan Johnson and John Gottman. The Family Journal, 13(2), 219-225.
Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, Ph.D
Book an appointment with Dr. Liz: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake
Preparing for the Climb: What to expect in your first therapy session
Congratulations on scheduling your first counseling appointment! If this is your first time in therapy, you may be wondering what it’s going to be like that first appointment. Even if it’s not your first venture into counseling, it’s helpful to know what to expect with your new counselor (me).
Congratulations on scheduling your first counseling appointment! If this is your first time in therapy, you may be wondering what it’s going to be like that first appointment. Even if it’s not your first venture into counseling, it’s helpful to know what to expect with your new counselor (me).
I like to think of undertaking therapy as similar to climbing a mountain. Just like the steps one takes to prepare for an intense climb, the therapy process starts with gathering information, taking stock of your equipment/tools, and making a plan. Using this metaphor, let’s talk about the first step in therapy: the intake appointment.
Step 1: Meet your climbing partner
Climbing a mountain is hard work. It helps to take a climbing partner with you – ideally someone who has climbed before and is dedicated to walking with you through the most challenging parts. The same is true with counseling. During your first session, I will introduce myself to you and go over a few important details about the counseling process.
A little bit about your climbing partner/therapist: Right now I am a Supervised Therapist at South Tampa Therapy, which means I am counseling under the supervision and licensure of Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney while I finish up my final 18 weeks of my Masters in Counseling program Northwestern University. (Previously, I spent 12 years working in corporate America.) My current education has qualified and prepared me to counsel individuals, couples, and families experiencing a variety of life challenges, and over the past year I have accumulated 1,000 hours of experience in clinical mental health settings. I take a collaborative, integrative, and holistic approach, which means I look at the whole person and pull in evidence-based tools from various counseling theories based on what we both believe will be most helpful for you. (Approaches I often use for individuals include Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) including Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP), Narrative, Internal Family Systems, and Psychodynamic; for couples, I also use Gottman and Emotion-Focused Therapy.)
Step 2: Learn about the climb
A climber needs to be informed about the mountain they are climbing, including any risks, benefits, requirements, and special considerations. You should know the same at the outset of your counseling journey. During the first session, I will tell you what counseling is, what you can generally hope to accomplish, any risks, and what the process will entail. Counseling is a collaborative process aimed at helping clients achieve mental health and wellness. It takes work on the part of the therapist and the client. Together, we will identify goals, gain insight, work through challenges, and practice new skills. If you are here for couples counseling, we will develop insight into what is underlying any relationship problems and then work to heal wounds, resolve conflict, and improve communication.
Now, about the risks. While counseling is successful for many people, like any endeavor, there is not 100% certainty. It might not be the right time to climb the mountain, or I might not be the best climbing partner for you – and that’s ok if we find that out! I want the best for you. Also, talking about hard things can bring up difficult emotions – similar to training your muscles for a long climb, you may experience some emotional “soreness” along the way. That is why your counselor is here to train alongside you – so you’re not facing the journey alone!
Another important aspect of the therapy process is confidentiality and its limits. Confidentiality is of utmost importance to me, and I am also bound by law and my professional ethics to uphold it. Everything we talk about in session will stay in session. I may seek supervision from my supervisor (who is also bound by confidentiality) on aspects of your case to ensure I am providing the best possible care. There are only a few instances where I would be required by law to break confidentiality: if I believe you are going to harm yourself or another person, if there is suspected abuse of a child or vulnerable adult, or if my court records were to be subpoenaed (which is highly unlikely).
Beyond confidentiality, we will cover policies and communication expectations – things like what to do if we run into each other out of the therapy room, how to get in touch between sessions, and cancellation/rescheduling expectations. I highly encourage questions about anything – I want you to feel confident and comfortable as we begin the journey.
Step 3: Check equipment and readiness level
Embarking on a mountain climb without checking one’s equipment (what you bring with you) and readiness levels would not likely result in a successful outcome. My goal for counseling is to help you achieve your goals. And in order to do that, I need to get to know what you’re bringing with you in your emotional backpack! That’s why this first session will be more question-heavy than other sessions we will have together (where you will be doing most of the talking). I will ask you about your health, family history, and what symptoms you’re currently experiencing. Since we’re shaped by both nature (our genetic makeup) and nurture (family, community, experiences, and global events and messages), gathering information about these topics helps us get a sense of how these factors may be impacting you. Most importantly, I’ll ask what brings you to counseling now and what you’re hoping to get out of it. I may also administer one or more assessments that we can come back to over the course of treatment to check on progress.
Step 4: Map out the journey
During our first session, we’ll start to hone in on goals for our time together – you might think about it like determining which mountain (or mountains) we want to climb, how frequently it makes sense to train, and a goal for how quickly we can reach the top. Each person has unique goals. For instance, a goal may be to reduce the frequency, intensity, and duration of anxious thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it could be to find clarity on a difficult, stressful decision. Or maybe it could be to improve communication in a relationship, process through a trauma, grieve a loss, or increase self-esteem. It’s possible that the goals will start out more general and become more specific as we gain more clarity on symptomatology. As we dive deeper, they may also shift. We might even add additional goals along the way!
Goals are important because they provide direction for our work together. They also let us know if we’re on the right track or if we need to switch approaches. Finally, if we are successful during our time together, our goals will help inform when it’s time to begin winding down our sessions.
With our goals set, we will discuss how frequently we want to meet (I usually recommend weekly to start with) and set our next appointment time. I may also ask you if you are ok with taking part in “practice” (which I find is a more palatable word than “homework”) between the intake and the next session. This could be, for example, reading a brief article, tracking your thoughts and feelings, journaling, or trying out a new coping tool. We can both expect to leave the intake with an idea of where we’ll be headed in therapy as well as what we’ll focus on in the next session.
What to keep in mind when beginning counseling
Embarking on the counseling journey is a big decision – akin to standing in front of a tall mountain and making the decision to climb it. And the intake session is sort of like meeting your climbing partner for the first time, taking stock of your equipment, and mapping your route before the journey. It’s ok to feel a little nervous at this stage. It makes sense – talking about hard things and putting in the work is difficult! But know that as a counselor I am there with you, creating a nonjudgmental space to feel, process, and work through the most difficult parts of your experience. It’s so much easier to climb when you know you’re not doing it alone. And the view at the top? Well, it’s pretty spectacular.
Book with author of this blog post, Kaitlin Lowey, here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey
Why your therapist won’t tell you what to do
So, what do we do when our clients ask us, “What should I do?” We have several approaches we can take. We can help our clients to think through the pros and cons of each choice. Through this process, we may collectively uncover possibilities our clients had not thought of before. We might even go deeper than the surface level questions, challenging catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, and other cognitive distortions. Perhaps we’ll find that the situation is not as bleak as it seems. If a client seems to be intellectualizing a choice, we might focus on expressing feelings and underlying needs. Contrary to popular belief, feelings and needs play an important role in decision-making and should not be ignored.
One question us therapists often hear from our clients is, “What should I do?”
It makes sense that a client would want our advice. After all, we are often the only people in our clients’ lives who know all of the intricate matters of their hearts. We sit with the ambivalent feelings, desires, and conundrums our clients find themselves encountering. And, because we aren’t interwoven in our clients lives in the way that a friend or family member is, we aren’t directly impacted by the decisions our clients make. In short, we get the full picture without being in the picture. So, why shouldn’t we give them advice?
Let me answer this question by painting a picture of a hypothetical client scenario. In this situation, a client has been dissatisfied with her relationship for quite some time. She feels that her partner cannot connect with her on an emotional level, and their sex life has been lackluster for the past year. She explains the full details of her situation to her therapist and asks, “What should I do?” Her therapist says, “Well, it sounds like this may not be the best relationship for you. I think you should leave.”
What are the possibilities coming out of this? Let’s consider a few. 1. The client leaves her partner but later feels she has made a mistake. 2. The client leaves her partner and is thrilled about making the decision, but she is robbed of her confidence in her ability to make her own decisions and relies on her therapist for all future major decisions. 3. The client stays in the relationship and no longer trusts the therapist's opinion. 4. The client finds that she actually resents being told what to do and ghosts her therapist, losing faith in therapy and never getting the therapeutic help that would have helped her confront her deeper underlying reasons for seeking help in the first place.
As you can see, there is no winning when we provide advice to our clients.
In fact, this can do more harm than good. When providing an opinion, we may also fall into the unethical trap of imposing our own beliefs and values onto our clients – a direct violation of our ethical code. We also strip our clients of the very empowerment they come to therapy to build. While providing an answer to our clients’ problems may temporarily provide relief from uncertainty, it also reinforces reliance on the therapist to provide a sense of certainty. We want our clients to stand in their own power and trust in themselves – and to believe that no matter what the outcome of their dilemma, they will be able to handle it.
So, what do we do when our clients ask us, “What should I do?”
We have several approaches we can take. We can help our clients to think through the pros and cons of each choice. Through this process, we may collectively uncover possibilities our clients had not thought of before. We might even go deeper than the surface level questions, challenging catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, and other cognitive distortions. Perhaps we’ll find that the situation is not as bleak as it seems. If a client seems to be intellectualizing a choice, we might focus on expressing feelings and underlying needs. Contrary to popular belief, feelings and needs play an important role in decision-making and should not be ignored. Finally, we might explore how similar situations in the past are connected to the client’s emotions and beliefs about the current situation – or even confront the concepts of uncertainty and control more abstractly.
We therapists are certainly flattered that our clients think our opinions are worth seeking on-high stakes decisions. But we also care about our clients enough to not tell them what to do. What we can do – and what is ultimately far more helpful – is help them gain more insight into themselves. And this in itself is so powerful. Because when our clients know themselves better, they can make better-informed decisions that are aligned with their own goals, values, and beliefs.
Book with Author Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey