SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
When You Don’t Know Who You Are: The Lingering Effects of Emotional Neglect
Some people come to therapy not because something happened, but because something didn’t. There may be no major traumas or dramatic stories to tell, yet there’s still a quiet, persistent sense of confusion, emptiness, or disconnection.
Some people come to therapy not because something happened, but because something didn’t. There may be no major traumas or dramatic stories to tell, yet there’s still a quiet, persistent sense of confusion, emptiness, or disconnection.
Clients often describe it like this:
“I don’t really know who I am.”
“I can’t tell what I want or feel.”
“I’m good at being what others need, but I don’t know what I need.”
From a psychodynamic perspective, this kind of disconnection often traces back to childhood emotional neglect—not the loud kind of harm, but the kind that happens through absence.
What Is Emotional Neglect?
Emotional neglect isn’t always obvious. It can happen in families that seem loving, stable, and functional on the surface. What’s often missing, though, is emotional presence, someone who notices your inner world, helps you name your feelings, and stays attuned to what’s going on inside you.
When that attunement is absent, children adapt by tuning out their own needs. They may stop expressing emotions, learn not to ask for support, or even lose touch with what they feel, not out of weakness, but as a way to survive in an environment that didn’t reflect their emotional experience.
How Emotional Neglect Affects Identity
Our sense of self is shaped through relationships, especially those where we are seen, mirrored, and emotionally understood. When a caregiver is emotionally present, they help a child build language for their inner world. Over time, that becomes a foundation for knowing who we are.
But if no one helped you reflect on your feelings or made space for your emotional life, it can be hard to develop a clear inner compass. As adults, people who’ve experienced emotional neglect may:
Struggle to name what they want or feel
Default to pleasing others
Feel emotionally flat or uncertain
Worry there’s nothing authentic underneath the surface
These are not signs of failure. They’re signs of adaptation of surviving a childhood where your emotions weren’t seen or supported.
How Therapy Can Help
Psychodynamic therapy doesn’t just address symptoms, it explores your inner world: how it formed, what roles you learned to play, and which parts of you were silenced along the way.
Together, we ask:
What emotional messages did you absorb growing up?
What did you come to believe about feelings, needs, or asking for help?
What was expected of you—and what parts of you felt off-limits?
Slowly, we begin to make contact with the parts of you that went quiet. Through the therapy relationship itself, you begin to have a new experience—where your emotions are not too much, and your inner life is met with curiosity instead of silence.
Reclaiming the Self
Healing from emotional neglect means learning to turn inward again, even when that feels uncertain or unfamiliar. It’s about building a stronger connection to yourself through compassion, presence, and real emotional attunement.
You are not empty. You adapted.
And the parts of you that had to go underground?
They’re still here—waiting to be seen.
Thanks for reading.
My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor in training, practicing under supervision at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy grounded in insight, self-compassion, and deep respect for your lived experience.
If this kind of work speaks to you, I invite you to book a session with me here
How to Stress-Proof Your Relationship This Holiday Season
During the holidays, it's common for one partner to feel burdened with responsibilities while the other feels pressured to follow their partner's plans or traditions. These imbalances can lead to frustration, resentment, or conflict. Instead of letting stress take over, use the holidays as an opportunity to work together as a team and create a sense of balance in your relationship.
The holiday season is a time for joy and connection, but it can also bring stress and tension, especially for couples. The added pressure of shopping, cooking, hosting, and managing family dynamics can leave one or both partners feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, or disconnected. However, with a little planning and intentionality, you can stress-proof your relationship and focus on enjoying this special time together.
Cultivating Balance and Gratitude
During the holidays, it's common for one partner to feel burdened with responsibilities while the other feels pressured to follow their partner's plans or traditions. These imbalances can lead to frustration, resentment, or conflict. Instead of letting stress take over, use the holidays as an opportunity to work together as a team and create a sense of balance in your relationship.
Here’s a simple yet effective template to help you stress-proof your holiday season:
List Responsibilities: Write down all the urgent chores and holiday tasks that need attention, such as shopping, cooking, decorating, and hosting.
Assign Columns: Create three columns next to your list: one for you, one for your partner, and one for shared responsibilities.
Discuss Perceptions: Sit down together and review the list. Reflect on how responsibilities were handled in the past and discuss how you’d like to approach them this year.
Divide the Tasks: Assign tasks to each person or both partners, checking off who is responsible for what. Set aside items that can wait or don’t need to be done.
Open Conversations: For any unassigned tasks, ask each other open-ended questions about why the task is challenging or important. Use this as an opportunity to learn about each other’s experiences and concerns.
By taking this proactive approach, you’ll gain clarity on who is responsible for what, reducing potential stress. Remember, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that a perfectly equal division of tasks isn’t necessary—it’s more important that both partners feel the workload is balanced and fair.
Strengthening Your Connection
Managing stress during the holidays isn’t just about dividing tasks; it’s also about maintaining emotional connection. Take these steps to stay connected and strengthen your relationship during the holiday season:
Have a Stress-Reducing Conversation: Set aside time each day to talk about stressors outside of your relationship. Ask your partner open-ended questions about how they’re feeling and listen with empathy. Avoid trying to “fix” everything—sometimes, simply being heard is enough.
Express Gratitude and Appreciation: Notice and acknowledge the small efforts your partner makes, whether it’s wrapping gifts, cooking meals, or spending quality time with you. Verbalize your appreciation with heartfelt compliments or thank-you notes.
Schedule Private Time Together: Amid the busyness of the season, carve out time for just the two of you. Whether it’s a quiet evening at home or a few hours away from the festivities, intentional one-on-one time will help you feel calmer and more connected.
Supporting Each Other Through the Season
If your partner starts to feel overwhelmed or emotionally flooded, step in to provide support. Offer to help with some of their tasks or adjust plans if needed. Showing flexibility and understanding can go a long way in reducing tension and building trust.
Remember, the goal is not to be perfect but to create a partnership where both of you feel valued and supported.
Making the Holidays Joyful
With a plan in place and a focus on gratitude, teamwork, and connection, you can stress-proof your relationship and enjoy the holidays with greater ease. By working together, sharing the load, and prioritizing your relationship, you’ll create a joyful and meaningful holiday season.
We wish you and your loved ones a wonderful, stress-free holiday season!
BOOK A SESSION HERE: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment
Text Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney with any questions! 813-240-3237