Why Self-Compassion Can Be Better Than Self-Esteem

We hear a lot about the importance of self-esteem—believing in yourself, thinking positively, feeling good about who you are. And that can be helpful, but it has its limits. What happens when you fail? When you’re not feeling particularly confident? When you mess up, or someone criticizes you?

That’s where self-compassion comes in.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Compassion

Self-esteem is usually tied to how well we’re doing—how successful, attractive, or accomplished we feel. It often depends on comparison. We tend to feel good about ourselves when we believe we’re doing better than average, but when we fall short, our self-worth can take a serious hit.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, doesn’t rely on achievement or perfection. It’s about treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and care—especially in moments when we’re struggling. It’s about offering ourselves unconditional, non-judgmental support.

Now, you might wonder: won’t this just make me self-indulgent, lazy, or selfish?

Actually, no.

Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, has found that while self-esteem is sometimes linked to narcissism and ego-defensiveness, self-compassion is associated with authenticity, emotional strength, and a deeper sense of connection to others. In her research, people who practiced self-compassion were more resilient, less anxious and depressed, and better able to grow from setbacks.

They were also more likely to take responsibility for mistakes, try again after failures, and extend care to others—because they weren’t caught in cycles of shame, self-judgment, or the pressure to be superior.

The Three Parts of Self-Compassion

So how do you actually do self-compassion?

Thankfully, Neff breaks it down into three core elements. The next time you feel like you’ve messed up or fallen short, try walking yourself through these three steps:

1. Mindfulness

Start by recognizing what you’re feeling without judgment. This is hard right now. It’s painful. Maybe you’re feeling disappointed, ashamed, or discouraged. Try acknowledging your experience gently, like: “This hurts because I really wanted this to go well.”

Let yourself feel it. You might even place a hand on your heart or offer yourself a small gesture of comfort. This step is about attending to your pain instead of ignoring it or turning against yourself.

2. Common Humanity

Remember: you’re not alone. Everyone struggles. Everyone feels inadequate, fails, or experiences shame at times. It’s a universal part of being human, even though we often forget this truth and feel isolated in our struggles.

You can tell yourself something like: “It’s human to feel disappointed. I’m not the only one who feels this way. Everyone goes through moments like this.”

Reminding ourselves of our common humanity helps soften the sense that something is uniquely wrong with us.

3. Self-Kindness

Finally, ask yourself: How can I be kind to myself right now? and What do I need? Maybe it’s offering yourself some encouraging words. Maybe it’s taking a break, talking to someone supportive, or simply slowing down.

If this is difficult for you, try thinking of how you’d respond to someone you love—and offer yourself that same tone, that same gentleness. It might sound like: “I care about you. Let’s take a breath and figure out how to support ourselves through this.”

Self-kindness is both a mindset and an action. It’s a way of tending to yourself instead of abandoning yourself when things get hard.

Why This Matters

Self-compassion doesn’t mean we let ourselves off the hook—it means we stay with ourselves in the hard moments, without making things worse. It helps us take responsibility with honesty and care, and it gives us the strength to try again.

As the research continues to show, self-compassion offers a more stable, sustainable foundation for mental health than self-esteem. It supports resilience, reduces shame, and helps people grow—not just when they’re succeeding, but especially when they’re struggling.

Maybe the goal isn’t to feel better about ourselves—but to learn how to be better to ourselves.

Thanks for reading.
 My name is Amber, I offer warm, collaborative therapy rooted in insight, self-compassion, and a deep respect for your lived experience. If this kind of work speaks to you, you can book a session with me here.

Embracing Self-Compassion: The Path to Genuine Accountability

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it's all too easy to become our own worst critics. We often believe that being hard on ourselves is the key to motivation and success. However, this self-critical approach can backfire, leading to feelings of demotivation, procrastination, and even harmful forms of perfectionism. Contrary to popular belief, self-compassion is a powerful tool that fosters genuine accountability and helps us align our actions with our values and goals.

The Demotivating Nature of Self-Criticism

Self-criticism often masquerades as a motivator, but it usually has the opposite effect. When we berate ourselves for our perceived shortcomings, it creates a negative feedback loop that can be incredibly demoralizing. This harsh inner dialogue can lead to:

• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards and feeling paralyzed by the fear of not meeting them.

• Procrastination: Avoiding tasks because we are afraid of failing or not doing them perfectly.

• Low Self-Esteem: Constantly feeling inadequate and unworthy, which can sap our motivation and energy.

In essence, being overly critical can cause us to fall even further from our values and ideals, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt and inaction.

The Empowering Force of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a friend. It involves three core components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

1. Self-Kindness: Instead of harshly judging ourselves for our mistakes and failures, we offer ourselves warmth and understanding.

2. Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, reducing feelings of isolation.

3. Mindfulness: Observing our thoughts and feelings without over-identifying with them, maintaining a balanced perspective.

By integrating these elements into our lives, we can foster a healthier, more supportive inner environment.

How Self-Compassion Enhances Accountability

Self-compassion doesn’t mean letting ourselves off the hook or ignoring our responsibilities. Rather, it encourages us to be honest and accountable in a loving and supportive manner. Here’s how:

1. Reduces Fear of Failure: When we know we will treat ourselves kindly, even if we fail, we are more likely to take risks and pursue our goals without the paralyzing fear of making mistakes.

2. Promotes Self-Awareness: Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our flaws and mistakes without self-condemnation, leading to greater self-awareness and personal growth.

3. Sustains Motivation: Kindness and understanding boost our intrinsic motivation. We are driven not by fear, but by a genuine desire to improve and succeed.

4. Encourages Persistence: With self-compassion, we are more likely to persevere in the face of setbacks because we see them as opportunities for learning rather than as definitive failures.

Practicing Self-Compassion for Future Success

Self-compassion is, in essence, an act of self-love that extends to our future selves. When we practice self-compassion, we are investing in our long-term well-being and success. Here are some ways to incorporate self-compassion into your daily routine:

• Practice Self-Compassionate Dialogue: Replace negative self-talk with supportive and encouraging words. For example, instead of saying, "I can’t believe I messed up again," try, "It's okay to make mistakes. I can learn from this and do better next time."

• Set Realistic Goals: Break down larger goals into manageable steps and celebrate your progress along the way. Acknowledge that setbacks are part of the journey and use them as learning experiences.

• Mindful Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself. Reflect on your actions and decisions with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask yourself how you can support your growth and well-being.

• Self-Care Practices: Engage in activities that nurture your body, mind, and spirit. This could be anything from physical exercise to meditation to spending time with loved ones.

By fostering self-compassion, we hold our future selves in mind, creating a foundation of kindness and accountability. This compassionate approach not only helps us stay motivated but also ensures that we remain aligned with our values and aspirations, leading to a more fulfilling and successful life.

In the end, self-compassion is not about making excuses for ourselves; it’s about creating a supportive inner environment where we can thrive. By treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we cultivate the strength and resilience needed to achieve our goals and live in accordance with our highest values. So, let’s embrace self-compassion and unlock the true potential of accountability.

By Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I 

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR