Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships

Introduction

Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.

Understanding the Gottman Approach

1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.

2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.

3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.

Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out

1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.

3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.

The Power of Integration

When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.

1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.

2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.

3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.

How to Divorce and Still Remain Friends

Divorce is one of life's most challenging experiences. The emotional, financial, and logistical complexities that arise during this process can strain even the strongest bonds. However, it's not uncommon for couples to aspire to an amicable divorce where they can part ways as friends, rather than adversaries. While it may seem like a lofty goal, it's entirely possible with the right mindset, communication, and approach. Let’s explore how to divorce and still remain friends, fostering a positive post-divorce relationship.

1.  Open and Honest Communication

The foundation of any amicable divorce is open and honest communication. Both parties must be willing to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without judgment or hostility. It's essential to establish a safe space where you can each share your needs and expectations openly.

Active Listening:  Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention when they speak. Try to understand their perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Empathetic listening can go a long way in resolving conflicts.

Seek Mediation or Counseling:  Consider engaging a mediator or therapist to facilitate communication and negotiation. These professionals can help both parties express their feelings, manage emotions, and work towards mutually agreeable solutions.

2.  Prioritize the Well-being of Children

If you have children together, their well-being should be top priority. A peaceful divorce can minimize the negative impact on children. Maintain a united front when it comes to parenting decisions and avoid putting children in the middle of your conflicts.

Co-Parenting Agreement:  Consider creating a detailed co-parenting agreement that outlines responsibilities, schedules, and decision-making processes. Having a clear plan can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.

Respect Each Other's Role:  Acknowledge each other's role as parents and support one another in maintaining a strong and loving relationship with the children. Encourage them to have a healthy relationship with both parents.

3.  Separate Emotions from Finances

Money is often a significant source of conflict during divorce proceedings. To maintain a friendship post-divorce, it's essential to separate emotions from financial decisions.

Full Financial Disclosure:  Be transparent about your financial situation. The best way to instill trust in this process is to share all relevant financial information to ensure fair and equitable asset division.

Collaborative Financial Planning:  Consider working together, or with a financial advisor, to create a financial plan that benefits both parties. This can help avoid contentious disputes over assets and alimony.

4. Set Realistic Expectations

Maintaining a friendship after divorce doesn't mean that everything will be perfect. There will still be challenges and moments of disagreement. Setting realistic expectations is crucial for a smooth transition.

Understand That Change Is Inevitable:  Accept that your relationship will change post-divorce, but that it can still be meaningful and positive. In fact, some couples find that their post-divorce friendship is stronger than their connection in marriage. 

Be Patient:  Healing takes time, and it's normal to experience a range of emotions. Give yourself and your former spouse the space and time needed to adjust to the new dynamics.

Divorce is a challenging life transition, but it doesn't have to be synonymous with animosity and bitterness. By prioritizing open communication, the well-being of children, and making a concerted effort to separate emotions from finances, couples can navigate divorce while maintaining a sense of friendship. Setting realistic expectations and being patient are key to fostering a positive post-divorce relationship. Remember that while the dynamics may change, it is entirely possible to divorce and still remain friends, paving the way for a healthier and happier future for both parties.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

Transform Anger Into Connection

Transforming anger into an opportunity for connection and growth in intimate relationships is possible through the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

When anger arises in a relationship, couples often fall into destructive communication patterns, exacerbating the initial pain and creating a cycle of suffering. However, NVC offers a way to break this cycle and foster understanding and connection.

Marshall Rosenberg's insight into anger helps shed light on its underlying dynamics. When someone is angry, it indicates a strong need that they urgently want to be met. However, in an attempt to ensure their needs are met, they may employ moralistic rules, which often lead to unpleasant treatment of others. Recognizing these underlying needs and shifting the focus from moralistic rules to unmet needs is crucial for transforming anger into understanding and connection.

To identify the unmet needs behind anger, it is important to look beyond the rules and reactions of the person expressing anger. One approach is to set aside one's own reactions and inquire about the person's upset. Asking questions like, "When I hear that you are upset about this, it tells me there was a way you wanted to be treated that didn't happen. Am I right?" opens up the conversation and invites the person to share their perspective.

Continuing the exploration of unmet needs, asking questions about the ideal way they would have liked to be treated can help uncover their desires and dreams for the relationship. This can include questions such as, "If you could have been treated in a way that was perfect for you, what would that look like? What would have happened?" This process encourages them to think about the positive outcomes they envision and articulate their needs more explicitly.

The answers provided serve as clues to identify their unmet needs. By presenting different possibilities and allowing them to decide what resonates, it becomes easier to narrow down and understand their specific needs. This process is akin to trying on different clothes until the right fit is found. It requires empathy, active listening, and an open mind to accurately grasp the underlying needs being expressed.

By delving deeper into their needs and offering empathy and understanding, the initial anger can be transformed into a sense of relief, relaxation, and genuine connection. This process of uncovering and addressing needs is a form of deep empathy that brings joy and closeness to the relationship.

While learning this approach may take time and practice, it cultivates a sense of eagerness to explore the needs underlying anger and fosters a stronger bond between partners. Through NVC, anger can be seen as an opportunity for growth, understanding, and strengthening the connection in intimate relationships.

Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.

In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.

Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.

The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.

NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.

Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.

It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.

It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.

In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.

When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.

Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.

Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.

Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.

Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Navigating Separation: The Benefits of Marriage and Family Therapy

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When a couple decides to separate, it can be an emotionally challenging and uncertain time for everyone involved. The turbulence of this period can lead to heightened conflict, misunderstandings, and feelings of isolation. However, seeking support during a separation can offer a ray of hope and provide a path towards healing and growth. One valuable resource to consider is marriage and family therapy. In this blog post, we will explore how attending therapy sessions during a separation can facilitate communication, promote understanding, and ultimately, aid in the transition to a new chapter in life.

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1. Creating a Safe Space for Communication:

Effective communication often becomes strained during a separation. Emotions run high, and it can be challenging to express thoughts and feelings without escalating conflict. Marriage and family therapy offers a safe and neutral environment where both partners can voice their concerns, fears, and hopes. A skilled therapist can facilitate constructive conversations, ensuring that each person feels heard and validated. Through open and honest dialogue, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives, fostering empathy and reducing tension.

2. Nurturing Emotional Well-being:

Separation brings forth a wide range of emotions, such as grief, anger, fear, and sadness. These emotions can be overwhelming, leading to increased stress and difficulty in managing daily life. Marriage and family therapy provides individuals with a supportive setting to process and express their emotions. Therapists can guide clients in developing coping mechanisms, healthy communication strategies, and self-care practices. By addressing emotional well-being, therapy helps individuals navigate the separation with greater resilience and stability.

3. Facilitating Co-Parenting and Family Transitions:

For couples with children, separation poses additional challenges in terms of co-parenting and managing family dynamics. Marriage and family therapy can play a vital role in helping parents develop effective co-parenting strategies. Therapists can assist in creating parenting plans, improving communication skills, and resolving conflicts related to child-rearing. Additionally, therapy sessions can aid children in understanding and adapting to the changes occurring within the family, promoting their emotional well-being during this transition.

4. Fostering Personal Growth and Self-Reflection:

Separation often prompts individuals to reflect on themselves and their relationships. Marriage and family therapy can facilitate personal growth and self-reflection, empowering individuals to learn from their experiences and make positive changes. Therapists can help clients explore their own roles in the relationship dynamics, identify patterns, and develop healthier behaviors. By gaining insights and self-awareness, individuals can improve their future relationships and build a stronger foundation for personal fulfillment.

5. Transitioning to a New Chapter:

While separation represents the end of one chapter, it also marks the beginning of a new journey. Marriage and family therapy can aid in the transition process, helping individuals redefine their identities and establish goals for the future. Therapists can offer guidance on managing practical aspects such as finances, housing, and legal matters. Moreover, therapy provides ongoing support as individuals navigate the emotional challenges associated with moving forward.

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Attending marriage and family therapy during a separation can be a transformative experience. It offers a safe space for open communication, nurtures emotional well-being, and facilitates the development of healthy coping mechanisms. Additionally, therapy supports co-parenting efforts and helps children adjust to new family dynamics. Ultimately, it promotes personal growth and assists individuals in transitioning to a new chapter with a renewed sense of hope and purpose. If you find yourself going through a separation, consider seeking the support of a qualified marriage and family therapist to guide you on this transformative journey.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Supporting Your Partner Through Difficult Times

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Life is filled with ups and downs, and during challenging moments, having a supportive partner can make all the difference. As a couple, navigating difficult times together can strengthen your bond and foster personal growth. Drawing from the perspective of a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), this blog post will explore effective ways to help your partner during tough moments, promoting a healthy and thriving relationship.

1. Foster Open Communication

Effective compassionate communication forms the foundation of any strong relationship. During difficult times, encourage your partner to express their thoughts and feelings openly. Provide a safe and non-judgmental space where they can freely share their concerns, worries, or frustrations. Actively listen, validate their emotions, and refrain from offering immediate solutions. Sometimes, all they need is a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.

2. Cultivate Empathy and Understanding

Empathy plays a vital role in supporting your partner through challenging times. Put yourself in their shoes, trying to understand their perspective and emotions. Recognize that their experience may differ from yours, and avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Show genuine compassion and validate their experiences, even if you cannot fully relate to their circumstances. Offering empathy allows your partner to feel heard and understood, strengthening the connection between you.

3. Be Present and Available

During difficult times, your partner may need your presence more than ever. Demonstrate your commitment by making time for them, ensuring your availability. Be physically and emotionally present, offering your support and undivided attention. Engage in activities they enjoy or simply spend quality time together. Your consistent presence and active involvement will foster a sense of security and reassurance during their challenging moments.

4. Provide Practical Support

Practical support can alleviate some of the burdens your partner may face. Assess their needs and identify practical ways you can assist them. This could involve helping with household chores, running errands, or taking on additional responsibilities. By sharing the load, you show your partner that you are in this together, reinforcing the idea that you are a team working through adversity.

5. Encourage Self-Care

Encourage and facilitate self-care practices for your partner. During difficult times, individuals may neglect their well-being. Help them prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, therapy, or pursuing hobbies they find fulfilling. Offer to join them in these activities, or support them by giving them space and time for themselves. By nurturing their well-being, you contribute to their overall resilience and ability to cope with challenges.

6. Avoid Judgment and Criticism

In moments of vulnerability, it is crucial to avoid judgment and criticism. Negative or critical remarks can be detrimental to your partner's well-being, exacerbating their difficulties. Instead, practice empathy, understanding, and unconditional positive regard. Create an environment where your partner feels safe expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. Remember, your role is to support and uplift, rather than criticize or belittle.

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed

Recognize when professional help may be beneficial. If your partner's challenges persist or intensify, encourage them to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor. Professional intervention can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and personalized guidance to navigate their difficulties. By encouraging this step, you demonstrate your commitment to their well-being and the health of your relationship.

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Supporting your partner during difficult times is a testament to the strength and resilience of your relationship. By fostering open communication, empathy, and understanding, you create a safe space for them to share their struggles. Being present, offering practical support, and encouraging self-care can significantly alleviate their burdens. Remember, each individual's journey is unique, and seeking professional help when necessary is a sign of strength and commitment.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Nonviolent Communication Between Parents and Children

Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, and this holds especially true in the parent-child dynamic. Cultivating nonviolent communication between parents and children creates a harmonious environment that fosters understanding, trust, and empathy. In this blog post, we will explore the principles of nonviolent communication and provide practical tips for implementing them in your interactions with your children. By embracing these strategies, you can build strong connections, resolve conflicts peacefully, and promote emotional well-being within your family.

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1. Empathy as the Foundation:

   Nonviolent communication begins with empathetic understanding. Put yourself in your child's shoes, seeking to understand their feelings and needs without judgment. Listen attentively and reflect their emotions back to them. By acknowledging their emotions, you create a safe space where they feel heard and valued.

2. Cultivate Open and Respectful Dialogue:

   Encourage open dialogue by creating an environment where your children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions. Avoid dismissing or belittling their feelings, as this can discourage open communication. Practice active listening, maintain eye contact, and respond with empathy and respect. This fosters trust and promotes a sense of equality in your interactions.

3. Use "I" Statements and Express Feelings:

   When discussing concerns or conflicts, use "I" statements to express how you feel rather than blaming or criticizing. For example, say, "I feel hurt when you speak to me in that tone," instead of, "You're always disrespectful." This approach encourages your child to empathize with your perspective and facilitates a more constructive conversation.

4. Focus on Needs and Solutions:

   Shift the focus from blame to identifying underlying needs and finding mutually beneficial solutions. When conflicts arise, explore the underlying needs of both parties involved. Collaboratively brainstorm solutions that meet those needs. By involving your child in problem-solving, you teach them valuable negotiation and conflict resolution skills while fostering a sense of autonomy.

5. Encourage Emotional Intelligence:

   Help your child develop emotional intelligence by teaching them to identify and express their emotions appropriately. Encourage them to articulate their feelings and needs, and guide them in finding healthy ways to manage their emotions. Validate their emotions and provide a nurturing environment where they feel safe to express themselves.

6. Practice Nonviolent Discipline:

   Discipline is an important aspect of parenting, but it can be done in a nonviolent and respectful manner. Instead of resorting to physical or verbal aggression, focus on teaching, guiding, and setting clear boundaries. Utilize logical consequences, time-outs, or loss of privileges as appropriate. Explain the reasons behind the discipline and ensure your child understands the lesson being taught.

7. Lead by Example:

   Children learn through observation, so it is crucial to model nonviolent communication in your own interactions. Show empathy, express emotions constructively, and demonstrate effective conflict resolution skills. When you make mistakes, be willing to apologize and take responsibility, teaching your child the importance of accountability and repair.

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Nonviolent communication between parents and children builds strong emotional connections and nurtures a peaceful and respectful family dynamic. By prioritizing empathy, practicing open dialogue, focusing on needs and solutions, encouraging emotional intelligence, implementing nonviolent discipline, and leading by example, you lay the foundation for positive and healthy relationships with your children. Remember, effective communication requires ongoing effort and patience, but the rewards of a strong and harmonious parent-child bond are immeasurable.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Are You Arguing with Your Spouse?

Many couples believe that arguing with their spouse is a sign of a troubled relationship. However, the truth is that disagreements are a natural part of any healthy relationship. In fact, it's normal and even healthy for couples to have arguments from time to time. Here are some reasons why it's okay to argue with your spouse.

1. It allows for honest communication: Arguing with your spouse can provide an opportunity for honest communication. When couples argue, they are expressing their true feelings, thoughts, and concerns. This kind of communication is essential to building a strong and healthy relationship.

2. It helps to resolve conflicts: Disagreements can provide an opportunity to resolve conflicts. When couples argue, they are addressing issues that need to be resolved. By working through these conflicts together, couples can strengthen their relationship and create a deeper understanding of each other.

3. It shows that you care: Arguing with your spouse can also be a sign that you care about each other. When couples argue, they are expressing their passion, which is a sign of emotional investment in the relationship. It shows that you are willing to stand up for your beliefs and values, which can create a more meaningful relationship.

4. It leads to growth and learning: Arguing with your spouse can also lead to personal growth and learning. When couples argue, they are challenging each other's perspectives, which can lead to new insights and understanding. By working through conflicts and disagreements, couples can learn from each other and grow together.

5. It can bring you closer together: Finally, arguing with your spouse can actually bring you closer together. When couples argue, they are working through difficult issues together, which can create a stronger bond. By being willing to engage in difficult conversations, couples can create a deeper connection and a more intimate relationship.

Arguing with your spouse is a natural and healthy part of any relationship. It allows for honest communication, helps to resolve conflicts, shows that you care, leads to growth and learning, and can bring you closer together. The key is to approach arguments with respect, empathy, and a willingness to listen to each other's perspectives. By doing so, you can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth and strengthen your relationship in the process.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

What is the difference between LMHC and MFT?

When it comes to seeking therapy, there are a variety of mental health professionals to choose from. Two common options are Licensed Mental Health Counselors (LMHCs) and Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs). While both professions offer valuable support to individuals and families, there are some important differences to consider. In this blog post, we'll explore the difference between licensed mental health counselors and marriage and family therapists.

Elizabeth Mahaney, MA, LMHC, MFT, LPC, LCPC, CCTP, NCC, DCC, Ph.D has a MA in both mental health counseling and marriage and family therapy with specialized training in communication, trauma and many certifications. Here is why this is important:

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Licensed Mental Health Counselors (LMHCs)

LMHCs are mental health professionals who provide counseling services to individuals, couples, and families. They are trained to diagnose and treat a variety of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and trauma. LMHCs use evidence-based therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and psychodynamic therapy to help clients work through their challenges.

LMHCs typically hold a Master's degree in counseling or a related field and are licensed by their state's licensing board. In order to become licensed, LMHCs must complete a certain number of supervised clinical hours and pass a licensing exam.

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Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs)

MFTs are mental health professionals who specialize in working with couples and families. They are trained to address the unique challenges that arise in family systems, such as communication breakdowns and relationship conflicts. MFTs use a variety of therapeutic approaches, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Approach, and Internal Family Systems, to help families and couples improve their relationships.

MFTs typically hold a Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and are licensed by their state's licensing board. In order to become licensed, MFTs must complete a certain number of supervised clinical hours and pass a licensing exam.

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Differences between LMHCs and MFTs

While both LMHCs and MFTs provide counseling services, there are some key differences between the two professions. The main difference lies in their areas of specialization. LMHCs are trained to address a wide range of mental health issues, while MFTs focus specifically on relationship and family dynamics.

Another difference is the types of clients they see. While LMHCs work with individuals, couples, and families, MFTs primarily work with couples and families. MFTs use a systemic approach, meaning they view individuals within the context of their family and larger social systems.

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Which one is right for you?

The decision between seeing an LMHC or an MFT ultimately depends on your individual needs. If you are struggling with a specific mental health issue, an LMHC may be a better fit. If you are experiencing challenges within your relationships or family system, an MFT may be a better choice.

It's important to do your research and choose a therapist who is licensed and trained in the areas that are most relevant to your needs. Additionally, it's always a good idea to schedule an initial consultation with a therapist to get a sense of their approach and determine if they are a good fit for you.

Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Book with Dr. Liz: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering

When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things: 

1. Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.

2. Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help. 

The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other. 

The first stage is Idealization. 

This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises. 

The idealization phase may include: 

• Love-bombing

• A lot of attention given to partner

• Grandiose gestures

• Elaborate gifts and dates

• Discussing marriage

• Lack of boundaries

• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

• Quickly moving into intimacy

• Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).

The second phase is devaluation.

During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.  

The devaluation phase might include:  

• Attempting to change their partner

• Increasing criticism and insults

• Gaslighting

• Physical threats

• Poor communication

• Increased violation of boundaries

• Triangulation

• More isolation or control over their partner

• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).

Finally, the third phase is rejection. 

In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with. 

The rejection phase may include: 

• Feelings of contempt and rage

• Betraying the relationship

• Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them

• Playing the victim

• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).

Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery. 

1. Label the Abuse

Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.  

2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.

Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave. 

3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.  

4. Seek Support

The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills. 

5. Rediscover Yourself

In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it. 

There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!

By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional Resources: 

Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support

https://narcissisticabusevictims.org/

You Are Not Alone - Educate Yourself - Find Support - Get Healed - Find Peace Again - Narcissist Abuse Support

Suicide Awareness and Assessing Signs of Risk in Loved Ones:

 According to the CDC, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Nearly 46,000 people died by suicide in 2020, which would equate to an average of 1 death every 11 minutes. But suicide can be preventable, and there are resources available to help.

On July 16th of this year, 988 became the nationwide suicide hotline number. All texts or calls made to 988 are directly rooted to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline where you will be supported and helped by trained mental health professionals.

YOU can also help!

Noticing signs of suicide:

If you hear or notice any of the following thoughts or behaviors in someone you know, they may be at risk for suicide.

• Talking about wanting to die

  • “I just can’t take it anymore”

  • “I wish everything could end”

  • “I feel too much guilt or shame to continue on”

  • “I feel like a burden and people would be better off without me”

• Expressing feelings surrounding:

  • Loneliness, feeling isolated and that there is no one to live for

  • Hopelessness, feeling like there is no “light at the end of the tunnel”

  • Trapped, feeling stuck in a difficult situation with no foreseeable way out

  • Sad, depressed, anxious feelings

  • Strong emotional or physical pain

  • Low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love and connection

• Behaviors:

  • Researching ways to die

  • Making a suicide plan

  • Purchasing lethal weapons (guns, knives, pills, rope)

  • Withdrawing from social circles and saying goodbye to loved ones

  • Giving away important keepsakes

  • Writing a will

  • Dangerous risk-taking behaviors, such as driving reckless

  • Exhibiting extreme mood swings

  • Eating and/or sleeping less

  • Increased substance use (drugs and/or alcohol)

  • Poor self-hygiene

The first step in being a helpful resource to someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts is knowing and understanding the signs above. If you notice someone who is exhibiting any of these signs, it’s important to talk directly with them about it. It’s also important not to pass judgment or shame on the individual for having these thoughts.

When I work with clients who are struggling with suicidal ideation, I start by normalizing those thoughts and taking some of the weight and judgement away. I explain that it’s natural for our minds to search for escape routes from life’s struggles. For some people, that escape route looks like “I just want to drop everything and move to a remote island where I know no one and have no responsibilities.” For others, it may look like suicidal thoughts. The theme of escaping life’s responsibilities is the same — and we can share empathy about how hard it can be to face overwhelming difficulty, especially when we don’t have enough support. 

Suicidal thoughts can be very isolating for an individual. Letting someone know that you are aware of their struggles and here as a helpful support for them can make all the difference. Know that it can help to talk with the individual openly about their suicidal thoughts, make it known that it’s okay that they are dealing with this, and always share that there are resources to help.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 is available 24/7, 365 days a year.

https://988lifeline.org/

Also, helping that individual find a supportive therapist can help with long-term improvement and maintaining safety plans. Book an appointment for you or a loved one today.

Author: Jamie Rudden, MFTI https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

For more facts on suicide visit:

https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/index.html#:~:text=Suicide%20rates%20increased%2030%25%20between,one%20death%20every%2011%20minutes.&text=The%20number%20of%20people%20who,attempt%20suicide%20is%20even%20higher.

A special thank you to Jamie Rudden for all of the supportive work that you have done with us and prior to your hard work at South Tampa Therapy! It takes a special compassionate and supportive person to BE THERE and STAY ATTUNED.

I appreciate you.

Liz

Betrayal and Relational Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds

There is hope!

If you are feeling stuck in trauma bonds, it's important to understand that there is hope. You can heal from this experience and even come out stronger on the other side. But it will require time, patience, and a willingness to do the work.

A tsunami of strong feelings might follow the discovery of your spouse's infidelity. After the initial shock and perplexity, most betrayed spouses battle for some time to regain control over their tumultuous feelings driven by intrusive thoughts and reminders. Infidelity, according to Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the treatment of sexual addiction, can be as traumatic as sexual assault

It's critical to understand how and why the event changes our brain and behavior while recovering from infidelity. Staying curious while discussing what betrayal trauma looks like for both partners, as well as how this shared suffering might lead to harmful patterns in their interactions with one another- these patterns sometimes known as trauma bonds.

What Does Trauma Look Like?

The symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are similar to those caused by betrayal. Trauma causes intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and hyperarousal in individuals with PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts are persistent, unwanted reminders of the traumatic experience, such as flashbacks (reliving the terrible event as if it were happening again) or nightmares about it.

Avoidance can take on a variety of forms, including trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic experience, as well as avoiding places, activities, or people that may remind you of it.

Hyperarousal is characterized by a feeling of distress and anxiety, which can extend to other areas such as difficulty sleeping, being easily startled, sluggish brain function, trouble focusing, and irritability.

Symptoms are frequently changing and varied from person to person. These same symptoms, when combined with detrimental changes in thinking and mood, can result in:

• Negative thoughts about yourself and others.

• Feel hopeless and powerless when the future appears bleak.

• Forgetfulness.

• Detachment from career, family, and friends.

• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed.

• It's difficult to experience pleasant feelings..

• Feeling emotionally flat and numb.

So, What Are the Causes of These Changes?

Betrayal trauma can alter your physiology due to the neurobiological changes that are taking place in your limbic system. Your body enters a fight, flight, or freeze (and sometimes fawn or collapse) reaction as a result of these adjustments.

When our amygdala senses danger, the hypothalamus activates the sympathetic nervous system, which causes epinephrine, also known as adrenaline, to be released. Adrenaline makes our heart beat faster and our lungs breathe more effectively on a good workout or training day. When we're stressed, our body releases hormones such as adrenaline, which help us stay safe and alert. It increases blood flow to the brain and muscles, making our mind more attentive to the situation and boosting blood sugar levels for vitality. When we are emotionally or physically scared, this surge of adrenaline is meant to keep us safe and alive.

When the danger level rises to a certain point, the hippocampus instructs the adrenal glands to produce cortisol. The hippocampus is essential for thinking, learning, memory, and behavioral management. Our brain needs to focus on problem solving during extreme stress, such as betrayal and relational trauma. Because you're overwhelmed with stress, your hippocampus isn't functioning well. The end result is conflict or flight from the stress/threat rather than problem solving in order to resolve it.

All of the same things that I previously stated are going on in a freeze response, with one exception: our subconscious has deemed this stress to be too hazardous. The sympathetic nervous system is no longer solely in command. The dorsal vagus nerve is activated on the back side, and it drags us into a condition of self-protection. When we are in risk of physical or emotional harm, whether real or imagined, we may shut down. We may appear calm but, inside, we are emotionally numb and frozen.

Finally, collapse response is comparable to that of freeze; it's a condition of hypo excitation. The dorsal vagus nerve screams, "This is too much!" and goes quiet. We are no longer seeking for methods to survive (fight or flight) but rather for a way to fall apart physically and emotionally. We may be unable to speak or feel removed or disconnected from our bodies. Our blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate drop dramatically. We might even faint or become unconscious in severe situations.

The fluctuating cycles of cortisol levels are detrimental to your immune system and general health. Even after an affair's initial discovery or disclosure, your brain can be bombarded with reminders that flood it with adrenaline and cortisol. This is one of the reasons why it's so difficult for your brain to accept and process this traumatic event, and subsequently let down its guard. The symptoms of PTSD are caused by this higher level of anxiety and isolation.What Do We Do About It?

You may not be interested in the neuroscience aspect, but you can still be interested in when your brain is offline or online. The Hypo-aroused and Hyper-aroused brains are both "offline." We can reclaim our center by practicing observing what goes on inside us while we're "offline". What do we think about and how are we physiologically feeling, such as our heart rate and breath? Are we hot or cold, sweaty or clammy? Do we feel numbness or strong emotions? Meditation, exercise, yoga, and journaling can help us stay centered.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Every relationship reacts to trauma differently. Both partners are frequently on the fight, flight, fawn or freeze continuum, but they're rarely in the same place at the same time, contributing to the negative cycle that couples dealing with infidelity's trauma find themselves in.

After being a therapist for 20 years, I have seen distorted and adaptive bonds form between partners. Some people call these "trauma bonds". It is crucial to understand your trauma as well as your spouse's, and have a working understanding of what is going on in both of your brains.

Here are a few examples of traumatic bond cycles that aren't helpful:

• For more than 6-9 months after discovery, the victim is fixated on the event, what occurred, and why...

• Between wanting a divorce and wanting to work things out, there's an endless debate.

• You and your spouse are continuing to have abusive debates.

• Keeping your relationship a secret from others who might criticize you for attempting to work it out.

• Breaking commitments to yourself or each other and expecting things to get better.

• Feelings of closeness one minute, followed by painful memories and outbursts the next are typical..

It may be useful to take a step back and examine the cycle of events in which you two escalate when you talk about specifics and reminders. Consider whether the way we are discussing the facts of the affair is pushing us closer to forgiveness or making matters worse. Still, you both need to be curious about this cycle that you are co-creating as you work to reconcile. As a reminder, you are both responsible for the co-creation of a new relationship starting today.

If you find that you and your spouse are in an unhelpful cycle, please don't beat yourself up for it; notice it without any shame and be curious about how you can begin to work through the trauma of infidelity more productively.

I'll be sharing more about this topic in future Free Resources, so stay tuned. In the meantime, if you're looking for more resources on this topic, I recommend reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass (the best book that I have found to help couples recover and heal from infidelity and relational trauma) and The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes.

If you are struggling with infidelity in your relationship, please reach out for help. This is not something that you have to go through alone. I offer individual and couples counseling services and have experience helping people heal from betrayal trauma. You can text me here to set up a consultation. 813-240-3237 or book online:

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

I hope this has been helpful. Please feel free to reach out. Until next time!

What is violent and nonviolent communication?

Violent communication, also known as a harsh startup, is when a person is trying to communicate something to their partner/child/parent/etc and the language being used comes out aggressive, attacking, blaming, belittling...I think you get the point. A big reason why communication comes out this way, is usually because the person has a need that is not being met and they are unsure how to communicate this need. For some of us, violent communication is the only form we know and for others, we may not know the correct language to identify how we feel or need. This is where nonviolent communication comes in. It completely changes the way we communicate. Communication is not only about speaking, listening and truly hearing the other person is a key component.

Nonviolent communication, also known as a soft start up, is where the speaker expresses I AM without blaming or criticizing and the listener empathically receives how YOU ARE without hearing blame or criticism. NVC has 4 parts to it:

1) Observations

- What I observe that does or does not contribute to my well-being (free from my evaluations)

- "When I (see. hear)....."

2) Feelings

- How I feel in relation to what I observe (emotion or sensation rather than thought)

- "I feel..."

3) Needs

- What I need or value that causes my feelings (rather than a preference or a specific action)

- "...because I need/value..."

4) Requests (Don't be demanding"

- The concrete action I would like taken

- "Would you be willing to...?"

The listener will verbally mirror back everything that the speaker says when using this script for a soft start up. I hope this helps when trying to express your needs through communication with your partner/child/parent/etc.

Let's continue to grow into better versions of ourselves(:

By Crystin Nichols, MFTI

START YOUR HEALING JOURNEY By Creating Awareness & Self Compassion

Key Facts About Compassionate Awareness

What is it, why do we value it, and what are the benefits?

Compassionate Awareness is the integration of 4 things:

1 - Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity. Showing-up in a way you intend to.

2 - Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance (to self or others).

3 - Communication Skills: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even if in disagreement, and how to move towards solutions that work for all.

4 - Means of Influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”.

Compassion serves our desire to do 3 things:

1 - Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, intention, and connection.

2 - Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.

3 - Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit.

Why do we value Compassionate Awareness?

Most of us could brush up on our skills to improve the quality of our relationship with ourselves and others, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to mix OBSERVATIONS with comparisons to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“.

This habitual way we THINK and REACT sabotages our intentions to get our needs met. We fail to communicate our actual need which further creates disconnect, misunderstanding, and frustration. And still worse, this can cause anger, suffering, and escalation. As this way of communicating escalates, this may lead to violence.

As a result, reactions from negative thoughts, even with the best of intentions, generate needless conflict.

On the flip-side, compassionate awareness helps us reach to the core need and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of FEELINGS and needs that helps us more clearly express what is happening internally in us, and understand what is going on in others, in real time.

When we understand and acknowledge our NEEDS, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships.

Living Intentionally

The intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now.

Four Components of Compassionate Communication

Observation:

Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.

Feeling:

When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.

Needs:

All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.

Request:

To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s -3- transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Two Parts Empathy:

Receiving

from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.

Honesty:

Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.