Why Self-Compassion Can Be Better Than Self-Esteem

We hear a lot about the importance of self-esteem—believing in yourself, thinking positively, feeling good about who you are. And that can be helpful, but it has its limits. What happens when you fail? When you’re not feeling particularly confident? When you mess up, or someone criticizes you?

That’s where self-compassion comes in.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Compassion

Self-esteem is usually tied to how well we’re doing—how successful, attractive, or accomplished we feel. It often depends on comparison. We tend to feel good about ourselves when we believe we’re doing better than average, but when we fall short, our self-worth can take a serious hit.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, doesn’t rely on achievement or perfection. It’s about treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and care—especially in moments when we’re struggling. It’s about offering ourselves unconditional, non-judgmental support.

Now, you might wonder: won’t this just make me self-indulgent, lazy, or selfish?

Actually, no.

Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, has found that while self-esteem is sometimes linked to narcissism and ego-defensiveness, self-compassion is associated with authenticity, emotional strength, and a deeper sense of connection to others. In her research, people who practiced self-compassion were more resilient, less anxious and depressed, and better able to grow from setbacks.

They were also more likely to take responsibility for mistakes, try again after failures, and extend care to others—because they weren’t caught in cycles of shame, self-judgment, or the pressure to be superior.

The Three Parts of Self-Compassion

So how do you actually do self-compassion?

Thankfully, Neff breaks it down into three core elements. The next time you feel like you’ve messed up or fallen short, try walking yourself through these three steps:

1. Mindfulness

Start by recognizing what you’re feeling without judgment. This is hard right now. It’s painful. Maybe you’re feeling disappointed, ashamed, or discouraged. Try acknowledging your experience gently, like: “This hurts because I really wanted this to go well.”

Let yourself feel it. You might even place a hand on your heart or offer yourself a small gesture of comfort. This step is about attending to your pain instead of ignoring it or turning against yourself.

2. Common Humanity

Remember: you’re not alone. Everyone struggles. Everyone feels inadequate, fails, or experiences shame at times. It’s a universal part of being human, even though we often forget this truth and feel isolated in our struggles.

You can tell yourself something like: “It’s human to feel disappointed. I’m not the only one who feels this way. Everyone goes through moments like this.”

Reminding ourselves of our common humanity helps soften the sense that something is uniquely wrong with us.

3. Self-Kindness

Finally, ask yourself: How can I be kind to myself right now? and What do I need? Maybe it’s offering yourself some encouraging words. Maybe it’s taking a break, talking to someone supportive, or simply slowing down.

If this is difficult for you, try thinking of how you’d respond to someone you love—and offer yourself that same tone, that same gentleness. It might sound like: “I care about you. Let’s take a breath and figure out how to support ourselves through this.”

Self-kindness is both a mindset and an action. It’s a way of tending to yourself instead of abandoning yourself when things get hard.

Why This Matters

Self-compassion doesn’t mean we let ourselves off the hook—it means we stay with ourselves in the hard moments, without making things worse. It helps us take responsibility with honesty and care, and it gives us the strength to try again.

As the research continues to show, self-compassion offers a more stable, sustainable foundation for mental health than self-esteem. It supports resilience, reduces shame, and helps people grow—not just when they’re succeeding, but especially when they’re struggling.

Maybe the goal isn’t to feel better about ourselves—but to learn how to be better to ourselves.

Thanks for reading.
 My name is Amber, I offer warm, collaborative therapy rooted in insight, self-compassion, and a deep respect for your lived experience. If this kind of work speaks to you, you can book a session with me here.