SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
Inside Out 2 and Emotion Coaching Gottman’s emotion coaching is brought to life in the movie Inside Out 2.
When these steps are done with intentionality and curiosity, you are cultivating a foundation of connection, trust, safety, and security with your child. Your child feels seen and supported. They can take a breath and take space to recognize and honor their internal world and experiences, without external or internal judgment or criticism.
If I could go back in time, I would relive my adolescence…(said nobody ever). Can you imagine? Reliving those awkward years where your teeth don’t quite fit your face, your skin betrays you, and your prefrontal cortex is far from fully developed? No thanks.
If you watched Disney Pixar’s “Inside Out,” which aired in 2015, you might remember Riley, the 11-year-old girl whose family had recently moved from Minnesota to San Francisco. There, we watched Riley experience emotions of Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust as she navigated a difficult transition during a vulnerable time in her life.
And finally, the sequel is here.
In “Inside Out 2,” 13-year-old Riley is further along in her adolescence and must make room for some emotions that are a bit more sophisticated: Anxiety, Ennui/Embarrassment (my personal favorite–she’s a vibe), and Envy. As a therapist and a mother, I am HERE for the portrayal of emotions that are a bit more complex/secondary–because if you remember your adolescent years, you remember that everything was complicated, and emotions were most certainly magnified. And most of the support you needed at that time was not actually solution-oriented; but to be given the space to feel heard, seen, understood, and accepted during those intense experiences was everything.
As a mother of two teenagers, Liam (15) and Luci (14), who are my greatest teachers, I see firsthand the importance of this emotional space. Raising them has been a journey filled with lessons and immense love, and I cherish being their mom during this chapter of all our lives. It’s a beautiful and sometimes challenging time, but the growth and connection we experience together make it all worth it.
This is where Dr. John Gottman’s Emotion Coaching can be useful. The five critical steps of Emotion Coaching include:
1. Having awareness of your child’s emotion(s)
2. Recognizing your child’s emotional expression as a moment for connection
3. Listening with empathy and validation
4. Helping your child label their emotions
5. Setting limits to help solve problems and navigate difficult situations
When these steps are done with intentionality and curiosity, you are cultivating a foundation of connection, trust, safety, and security with your child. Your child feels seen and supported. They can take a breath and take space to recognize and honor their internal world and experiences, without external or internal judgment or criticism.
Making space for ALL the emotions
One of the scenes that stood out to me most in the film was the portrayal of Riley experiencing an anxiety attack. In that scene, we witness the physiological experience of anxiety–her racing heart, sweating, and intense cognitive rumination of who she is as a person. All of this is happening while, behind the scenes, Riley’s “sense of self” is threatened. This scene felt like a poignant and horribly accurate depiction of adolescence–a part of yourself that you don’t want to fully experience or share with others for fear of not being accepted. But the antidote to that is vulnerability–sharing that authentic part of yourself with others.
Another beautiful scene I resonated with in “Inside Out 2” is when all of Riley’s emotions, the primary and secondary, come together and physically (and figuratively) hold Riley’s “sense of self” while allowing her to fully experience all of the emotions, narratives, and thoughts she has. Instead of trying to control, they accept. And true acceptance of all of our parts is what we all crave and desire.
In summary, this quote from the film epitomizes Emotion Coaching in a nutshell: “We love all of our girl. Every messy, beautiful part of her.” If we make space and validate all of our emotions, every messy, beautiful part of ourselves (and our children), we can live fully and authentically.
By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist
❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩❤️👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA
Helping Our Teens Navigate a Changing World
don’t be afraid to open up a dialogue about tough topics such as peer pressure, sex, anxiety, depression, suicide, and their future. We want our teens to feel safe coming to us rather than an influencer on TikTok. And look for opportunities to have deeper, meaningful conversations with them. Bring up current events and share your thoughts and ideas with one another. Your teen is on the cusp of adulthood, so you are nearing the end of your influence on the person you are sending out into the world. Use this time wisely and begin shifting your role in their life – your value to them will soon be that as mentor and fellow-traveler of this big planet. Be present for them and enjoy.
It is so easy as parents to assume we understand our teens’ current struggles because we’ve “been there, done that.” Puberty, peer pressure, and parental expectations are challenges we all had to face on our way to adulthood and independence. But our children’s world is vastly different from the one we grew up in, and we need to adapt as parents in order to help guide our teens through their unique place in history.
How A Teen’s World is Different
It’s no secret that our kids spend multiple hours a day on screens and less time engaged in activities with family and friends. And in our busy adult lives, it’s hard to limit their access to social media, video games, and YouTube, especially when we have our own eyes on screens working, responding to emails, and entertaining ourselves. Gone are the days when homes had one screen – a television – that we all watched together. Telephones were hardwired into the wall and we were forced to go out into the world to seek friendship and entertainment – it wasn’t delivered to us via a small gadget in our hands. Today’s technology pulls us apart and isolates us. Covid made these trends even worse.
Our teens are also inundated with continuous images of unrealistic standards of beauty, wealth, intelligence, and fame. Internet “influencers” post choreographed videos portraying perfect lives to our children who may be sitting alone in their rooms. Earlier generations were also presented with images of beautiful models and glamorous lives in magazines, television and movies, but these sources of unrealistic standards had limits on our attention. Monthly magazine issues had limited numbers of pages. Television programs typically aired between 30 minutes to an hour, and movies were under 2 hours long. Our childhood entertainment wrapped up their endings and sent us on our merry way. Today, streaming services and apps feed continuous loops of content to teens who have little capacity for self-regulation due to their immature prefrontal cortex. Studies show that our teens feel worse about themselves after spending time on social media, but they still can’t stop themselves from returning to the content.
Parents today are also different from those who came before us. Often with good intentions, we are guilty of wanting to shield our teens from failure and disappointment. Teachers and coaches are barraged with emails and phone calls from parents who seek to ensure successful outcomes for their children. Unfortunately, we are also robbing their teens of the opportunity to grow through resilience and perseverance. Teens aren’t learning how to cope when things don’t go their way. And think about it, what deeper message are we sending our kids? That they can’t succeed without us.
We also live in an uncertain world where catastrophe feels imminent and real. Teens experienced Covid lockdowns and may have witnessed severe illness or death of loved ones. This taught them that life can be turned upside down at any moment. And warnings of climate change, leadership failures at state and national levels, upticks in crime and unrest, and growing concerns of an AI takeover all come together to paint a scary future. Every generation has its struggle, but this generation of teens has a unique, front-row seat to a world that feels like it’s spiraling out of control.
How Parents Can Adapt to their Teen’s World
This new reality for our kids requires us to adapt as parents. While we shouldn’t always hover and rescue them from the cruelties and disappointments of life, we also don’t want to tell them to just “get over it” and assume they’ll successfully muddle through life’s challenges on their own. Data shows that teens are experiencing higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide than ever before. We need to be plugged-in and aware of what’s going on in their lives
One important step we can take is to normalize stress for them. Don’t hide your bad day or failures from them. Let them see that life knocks us down and it hurts. Show them that emotions (good and bad) are a normal reaction to events in our lives – and we can manage them. Stop trying to be perfect in front of them. Show them that it’s sometimes okay to just be “good enough.” This will encourage them to share their own stresses and imperfections with you. Show them that you accept them as they are.
Also, don’t rescue them from failures. Teens need to experience the consequences of a missed school assignment, a poor test grade, or sitting on the bench during a game. This is how they learn to become self-motivated and begin to sort out their personal values that will guide them through life. They will find their tolerance for shame and disappointment and take steps to avoid it in the future. We need to give our teens room to stretch and learn. Better now when they still have us to lean on rather than when they are adults with real responsibilities and navigating the unpredictable world around them.
It's also a good idea to set screen time boundaries for them, and perhaps even for ourselves. They won’t thank us for pulling the plug on access to their world, but their mental health will benefit. They will have a chance to daydream again, which is shown to reduce stress and anxiety by allowing the brain to relax and roam freely. These mini-escapes give space for their imaginations and creativity. And if we agree to limit our own screen time, we’ll gain the same benefits plus some meaningful free time to spend together.
And a final piece of advice – don’t be afraid to open up a dialogue about tough topics such as peer pressure, sex, anxiety, depression, suicide, and their future. We want our teens to feel safe coming to us rather than an influencer on TikTok. And look for opportunities to have deeper, meaningful conversations with them. Bring up current events and share your thoughts and ideas with one another. Your teen is on the cusp of adulthood, so you are nearing the end of your influence on the person you are sending out into the world. Use this time wisely and begin shifting your role in their life – your value to them will soon be that as mentor and fellow-traveler of this big planet. Be present for them and enjoy.
Author: Lana Phillips
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/LanaPhillips