The Bill of Rights of Sentient Beings

As autonomous, sentient beings, we all possess inherent rights that often go unnoticed or unacknowledged in the hustle and bustle of daily life. These rights are not just legal or societal constructs but deeply rooted in our existence as conscious individuals capable of thought, feeling, and choice. During the first visits with my clients, I love to introduce what I call the "Bill of Rights for All Sentient Beings," a powerful reminder of the fundamental entitlements each of us holds simply by being alive.

Why This Bill of Rights Matters

                  In our interactions with others—whether in relationships, workplaces, or social settings—we often forget that we can assert our needs, express our feelings, and live according to our values without guilt or fear of judgment. This list serves as a beacon, illuminating the path to self-respect, autonomy, and emotional well-being. Many of us struggle with the idea of self-worth, frequently placing the needs of others above our own or doubting our right to take up space. This Bill of Rights encourages us to recognize and embrace our worth, understanding that we deserve respect, care, and the freedom to live authentically.

The Bill of Rights of Sentient Beings (Adopted by Mary Ellen Copeland)

I have the right to ask for what I want.
•    Expressing your desires is a fundamental right that allows you to take charge of your life and advocate for your needs.
I have the right to refuse requests or demands I can't meet.
•    Protecting your time and energy by setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining your well-being.
I have the right to change my mind.
•    As dynamic beings, our thoughts and decisions can evolve. You have the right to reconsider and choose a new direction.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
•    Perfectionism can be paralyzing, but making mistakes is a natural part of learning and growth.
I have the right to follow my values and standards.
•    Living according to your values, rather than those imposed by others, is essential for authenticity.
I have the right to express all of my positive and negative feelings in a manner that will not harm others.
•    Your feelings are valid and deserve to be expressed healthily and constructively.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
•    Trust your instincts and stand firm in your convictions when something doesn't feel right.
I have the right to determine my priorities.
•    You are the best judge of what is essential in your life and have the right to set your own goals.
I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
•    While empathy is essential, you are not obligated to take on the burdens or responsibilities of others.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
•    Honesty is the foundation of trust in any relationship, and you have the right to expect it from those around you.
I have the right to feel angry at someone I love and to express this responsibly.
•    Anger is a natural emotion; expressing it constructively can lead to resolution and deeper understanding.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
•    Embrace your individuality without fear of judgment or ridicule. Being true to yourself is key to living a fulfilling life.
I have the right to feel scared and say, "I'm afraid."
•    Admitting fear is a sign of strength, not weakness. It allows you to seek support and address your concerns.
I have the right to say, "I don't know."
•    Admitting uncertainty is a sign of humility and openness to learning, not a weakness.
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, beliefs, and values.
•    Your decisions should be guided by what feels right to you, aligned with your personal beliefs and values.
I have the right to my reality.
•    Your perceptions, thoughts, and feelings are valid, even if they differ from those of others. You have the right to your own experiences and interpretations of life.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
•    Everyone needs time and space to recharge, reflect, and be alone with their thoughts. This right acknowledges the importance of self-care.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
•    Life isn't all about seriousness. You have the right to joy, play, and spontaneity.
I have the right to be healthy.
•    Your physical and mental health are priorities, and you have the right to take steps to maintain and improve them.
I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
•    Safety and respect are fundamental rights. You deserve to be in environments that support your well-being and dignity.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
•    Social connection is a basic human need, and you have the right to seek out and nurture relationships that make you feel safe and valued.
I have the right to change and grow.
•    Personal growth is a lifelong journey, and you have the right to evolve and develop in whatever direction suits you.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
•    Your needs and desires are valid, and you deserve to be acknowledged and respected.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
•    This right is foundational to all human interactions. You deserve to be treated with kindness, fairness, and respect in all aspects of life.
I have the right to grieve.
•    Grief is a natural response to loss; you have the right to experience it in your own way and time.
I have the right to a fulfilling sex life.
•    Sexual expression is a fundamental aspect of being human, and you have the right to a safe, consensual, and fulfilling sexual experience.
I have the right to be happy.
•    Happiness is not a luxury but a right. You deserve to pursue activities, relationships, and experiences that bring you joy and fulfillment.


Embracing These Rights in Daily Life

                  As you reflect on this Bill of Rights, consider how to start honoring these principles daily. Are there areas where you've been neglecting your rights, perhaps by putting others' needs ahead of your own or staying silent when you needed to speak up? Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. It's important to remember that asserting your rights is not selfish; it's a necessary part of self-respect and personal integrity. By honoring your rights, you set a powerful example for others to do the same, creating a ripple effect that can lead to more respectful and compassionate relationships.

                  When I share this Bill of Rights with my clients, I encourage them to embrace these principles as a foundation for building healthier, more fulfilling lives. As sentient beings, we all deserve to live with dignity, freedom, and respect. So let's embrace our rights, and give ourselves permission to live authentically and unapologetically.

By Ari Leal, Therapist

Book with Ari here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AriLeal

Inside Out 2 and Emotion Coaching Gottman’s emotion coaching is brought to life in the movie Inside Out 2.

If I could go back in time, I would relive my adolescence…(said nobody ever). Can you imagine? Reliving those awkward years where your teeth don’t quite fit your face, your skin betrays you, and your prefrontal cortex is far from fully developed? No thanks.

If you watched Disney Pixar’s “Inside Out,” which aired in 2015, you might remember Riley, the 11-year-old girl whose family had recently moved from Minnesota to San Francisco. There, we watched Riley experience emotions of Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust as she navigated a difficult transition during a vulnerable time in her life.

And finally, the sequel is here.

In “Inside Out 2,” 13-year-old Riley is further along in her adolescence and must make room for some emotions that are a bit more sophisticated: Anxiety, Ennui/Embarrassment (my personal favorite–she’s a vibe), and Envy. As a therapist and a mother, I am HERE for the portrayal of emotions that are a bit more complex/secondary–because if you remember your adolescent years, you remember that everything was complicated, and emotions were most certainly magnified. And most of the support you needed at that time was not actually solution-oriented; but to be given the space to feel heard, seen, understood, and accepted during those intense experiences was everything.

As a mother of two teenagers, Liam (15) and Luci (14), who are my greatest teachers, I see firsthand the importance of this emotional space. Raising them has been a journey filled with lessons and immense love, and I cherish being their mom during this chapter of all our lives. It’s a beautiful and sometimes challenging time, but the growth and connection we experience together make it all worth it.

This is where Dr. John Gottman’s Emotion Coaching can be useful. The five critical steps of Emotion Coaching include:

1. Having awareness of your child’s emotion(s)

2. Recognizing your child’s emotional expression as a moment for connection

3. Listening with empathy and validation

4. Helping your child label their emotions

5. Setting limits to help solve problems and navigate difficult situations

When these steps are done with intentionality and curiosity, you are cultivating a foundation of connection, trust, safety, and security with your child. Your child feels seen and supported. They can take a breath and take space to recognize and honor their internal world and experiences, without external or internal judgment or criticism.

Making space for ALL the emotions

One of the scenes that stood out to me most in the film was the portrayal of Riley experiencing an anxiety attack. In that scene, we witness the physiological experience of anxiety–her racing heart, sweating, and intense cognitive rumination of who she is as a person. All of this is happening while, behind the scenes, Riley’s “sense of self” is threatened. This scene felt like a poignant and horribly accurate depiction of adolescence–a part of yourself that you don’t want to fully experience or share with others for fear of not being accepted. But the antidote to that is vulnerability–sharing that authentic part of yourself with others.

Another beautiful scene I resonated with in “Inside Out 2” is when all of Riley’s emotions, the primary and secondary, come together and physically (and figuratively) hold Riley’s “sense of self” while allowing her to fully experience all of the emotions, narratives, and thoughts she has. Instead of trying to control, they accept. And true acceptance of all of our parts is what we all crave and desire.

In summary, this quote from the film epitomizes Emotion Coaching in a nutshell: “We love all of our girl. Every messy, beautiful part of her.” If we make space and validate all of our emotions, every messy, beautiful part of ourselves (and our children), we can live fully and authentically.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

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Staying Grounded: Tips from South Tampa Therapy on Clearing Your Mind

In a recent appearance on the nationally syndicated health and wellness show Bloom, Ari Leal, a dedicated therapist from South Tampa Therapy, shared invaluable insights with host Gayle Guyardo on simple yet effective ways to maintain mental clarity and stay grounded.

Embrace Physical Movement Ari emphasizes the significant impact of physical activity on mental health. It's not just about staying fit; even minimal daily exercise can dramatically reduce stress levels and boost your mood. Releasing endorphins through as little as five minutes of exercise a day can enhance your mental clarity and overall well-being. Whether it's a short walk, a yoga session, or a quick workout, getting your body moving is a cornerstone of a healthy mental routine.

Cultivate Creativity Engaging in creative activities serves as a powerful tool to keep your mind focused and present. Ari suggests incorporating practices like drawing, journaling, or playing a musical instrument into your daily routine. These activities help anchor you in the moment, diverting your thoughts from everyday stresses and channeling your energy into productive and fulfilling endeavors.

Connect with Nature Another key piece of advice from Ari involves the healing powers of nature. Stepping outside and immersing yourself in a natural setting can be incredibly soothing for the mind and body. The simple act of reconnecting with the environment helps regulate your nervous system, allowing you to clear your mind and focus on the sensory experiences around you—what you can see, hear, and feel.

Practice Mindfulness Mindfulness is more than a practice; it's a lifestyle change that involves being fully present and engaged with the here and now. According to Ari, mindfulness means concentrating on what you're doing at the moment, avoiding spirals of worry about things beyond your control. This practice can transform how you interact with the world, helping you appreciate every moment and reduce anxiety about the future.

These strategies from Ari Leal are not just tips but essential tools for anyone looking to lead a more balanced and grounded life. At South Tampa Therapy, we are committed to providing resources that help our community manage stress, understand themselves better, and enhance their quality of life. For more tips on mental wellness or to learn about our therapy services, visit our WHO WE ARE page or WHAT WE DO page to learn more!

Remember, taking small steps can lead to significant changes. Start incorporating these practices into your daily routine and observe the positive shifts in your mental state.

Book with Ari Leal, MA, CMHCI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AriLeal

Trusting the Process: The Right Mindset for Therapy

What happens when you come into therapy, the first session has ended, and perhaps things don’t feel any better? It can be hard to walk through the process of therapy when we don’t know what to expect or how to cope with the moments that feel hard. What we anticipate from therapy shapes how we perceive and interpret our sessions. Our beliefs about therapy, our therapist, and the effectiveness of the process have a big impact on our experience of it. 

I hope this article brings you reassurance, empowers you to fully engage in therapy, and inspires hope as you navigate your own unique journey. Therapy holds immense value and can indeed serve as the catalyst for the change you seek. I believe these three shifts in perspective can help you develop a mindset that will enable you to get the most out of therapy.

1.     Embrace the Power of Expression

Often, we underestimate the profound impact of having a dedicated space to express ourselves freely, without fear of judgment. While our loved ones may offer support, they might not always possess the necessary tools required to fully understand our experiences. Your therapist is trained to fully immerse themselves in your perspective, offering a safe haven for you to share openly. This commitment is unique because, often, people may not know how to create the supportive environment you deeply desire. It's empowering to acknowledge that you have this sanctuary and someone who is adept at empathy, validation, and impartiality. Simply having a safe space to express can be incredibly therapeutic—it allows us to release pent-up emotions, process our thoughts, and receive the support we crave.

2.     Communicate If Something's Not Working

At times, there might be thoughts lingering in your mind that feel challenging to share with your therapist. If something isn't working or doesn't feel helpful, don't hesitate to discuss it openly. Sharing these concerns can help your therapist better understand your needs and tailor the treatment plan accordingly. Bring forth your fears, worries, and genuine emotions to your therapist—they are equipped to handle it and can provide the support you require. Whether it's frustration over the perceived slow progress or other difficulties, sharing these emotions with your therapist can offer them the opportunity to guide you through them. Occasionally, we may encounter less-than-ideal experiences in therapy where we don't feel properly cared for. This can be deeply disheartening and shake our confidence in the therapy process. However, I encourage you to give therapy another chance. Not every therapist will be the right fit for you, and that's perfectly okay. But remember, this doesn't reflect negatively on therapy as a whole. Therapy can be effective and transformative if you're committed to it. So, consider this your reminder to persevere, even when the journey feels challenging or doesn't meet your expectations. It's also okay to take a break from therapy and return when you're ready. I like to think of each therapy session as planting a seed. While we may not witness immediate growth, with time and nurturing, we can observe positive changes blossoming in our lives.

3.     Give Therapy the Time It Deserves

Therapy isn't a quick fix; it's a gradual process that unfolds over time, sometimes more time than we'd prefer. It's essential to remember that your therapist is human—they can't read your mind or predict your experiences. Making assumptions based on past experiences, whether theirs or others, can be harmful. Each individual is unique, with distinct needs and layers that require exploration. Your therapist needs time to understand who you are and what you're going through fully. They must carefully process and conceptualize your experiences to offer effective support. So, if progress seems slow, remember it's a sign that your therapist is approaching your care with diligence and consideration. Rest assured that even if issues aren't resolved immediately or the first strategies provided don't seem effective, change takes time. There's hope and power in the therapeutic process—real transformation occurs when we deeply understand and connect with the insights gained. Your therapist's role isn't to overwhelm you with information but to guide you toward self-discovery and growth collaboratively. Trust in the process, and with patience, positive change will unfold.

Written by Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I 

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Clients engaging in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney at South Tampa Therapy and her team learn to embrace their inner emotions instead of avoiding or struggling against them. The therapy emphasizes acknowledging these emotions as appropriate reactions to specific situations, rather than impediments to living the desired life.

ACT, a mindfulness-based therapy, targets the root cause of emotional distress. Human nature inclines us to evade negativity and uncertainty, but this avoidance can compound into greater harm. This therapy helps individuals confront these challenging emotions, fostering the ability to live in the present and make conscious choices about life's priorities.

Expect ACT to address a wide array of conditions, including relational issues, anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Dr. Mahaney focuses on enhancing six key skills throughout the therapy:

1. Defusion: Stepping back from thoughts to prevent immersion or entanglement in them.

2. Openness: Allowing emotional pain without necessarily embracing it, counteracting avoidance.

3. Present moment: Being mindful of sensory experiences in the current moment.

4. Self as Context: Understanding oneself independently of struggles or narratives.

5. Values: Identifying important aspects that drive choices and actions.

6. Committed Actions: Making choices aligned with one's core values in various situations.

Strengthening these skills through ACT aids in managing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, reducing emotional distress. Incorporating mindfulness into daily life facilitates living in alignment with personal values and leads to a more meaningful existence.

To embark on this transformative journey with ACT, book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney at South Tampa Therapy.

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Text me with any questions: 813-240-3237

Greetings from Antarctica: The Transformative Power of Travel Adventures on Mental Health and Well-being

As I climbed a snowy hill on the Antarctic Peninsula earlier today, I was struck by how exhilarating it felt to be in subzero temperatures far from the safety and comfort of home. And while friends back in Tampa frolicked in 80-degree weather, I couldn’t have been happier suiting up for an authentic polar plunge in freezing (literally) water. Why does travel, even to destinations closer to home, create feelings of happiness and renewal? 

In our fast-paced world filled with constant demands and pressures, the importance of prioritizing mental health and well-being has become increasingly evident. One avenue that offers a profound impact on mental health is embarking on traveling adventures. Beyond the thrill of exploration and discovery, traveling away from home and our daily hustle offers numerous benefits for mental health and overall well-being.

Stress Reduction and Relaxation

One of the most immediate benefits of adventures in travel is a reduction of stress and promotion of relaxation. Stepping away from familiar surroundings and routine allows us to disconnect from the stressors of daily life. Immersing oneself in new environments, whether it be a serene beach, a bustling city, or a lush mountain landscape, can have a profound impact on stress levels. The change of scenery and exposure to novel experiences trigger a relaxation response, leading to lowered cortisol levels and a sense of calmness.

Enhanced Creativity and Cognitive Flexibility

Travel also stimulates creativity and cognitive flexibility by exposing us to diverse cultures, landscapes, and perspectives. Our brains thrive on novelty, and the exploration of new environments encourages development of new neural connections. Engaging with different cultures fosters an open-minded approach and an ability to adapt to unfamiliar situations, ultimately enhancing cognitive flexibility. This newfound creativity and adaptability gained on our adventures positively impacts problem-solving skills and promotes a more resilient mindset.

Boost in Emotional Resilience

Even those annoying challenges and uncertainties while traveling contribute to the development of emotional resilience. Navigating through unfamiliar territories, dealing with unexpected situations (such as lost luggage), and adapting to diverse cultures all contribute to a heightened ability to cope with adversity. Overcoming these challenges fosters a sense of accomplishment and self-efficacy, reinforcing the belief that we can navigate through difficulties successfully. This increased emotional resilience gained from new adventures can have lasting positive effects on our overall mental health.

Connection and Social Well-being

Travel often involves interacting with new people, whether fellow travelers, locals, or tour guides. Building connections and socializing during these experiences can combat feelings of loneliness and contribute to a sense of belonging. Meeting new people provides us opportunities for personal growth, empathy, and the creation of lasting memories. Positive social experiences while on the road strengthens emotional bonds, reduces feelings of isolation, and contributes to an overall sense of happiness and well-being.

As individuals embark on journeys to explore the world, they not only witness the beauty of different landscapes but also experience transformative changes within themselves. By prioritizing and embracing the positive impact of traveling adventures on mental health, individuals can cultivate a more resilient and balanced approach to life, ultimately leading to a happier and healthier existence.

So drag out your suitcase and get packing!

Bon voyage,

Lana Phillips (Book and appointment with Lana Phillips here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/LanaPhillips

TAMPA (BLOOM) – Therapist Kaitlin Lowey of South Tampa Therapy joined Gayle Guyardo

Therapist Kaitlin Lowey of South Tampa Therapy
joined Gayle Guyardo the host of the global health and wellness show Bloom to share ways to bring confidence into everyday situations.

Therapist Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy, recently appeared on the global health and wellness show "Bloom" with host Gayle Guyardo. During the segment, Lowey shared valuable insights on how to cultivate confidence in everyday situations.

Therapist Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy, recently appeared on the global health and wellness show "Bloom" with host Gayle Guyardo. During the segment, Lowey shared valuable insights on how to cultivate confidence in everyday situations.

"Confidence, derived from a Latin word meaning 'to trust,' is about believing in yourself, recognizing your inherent worth, and having faith in your ability to handle life's challenges," explained Lowey.

She emphasized that genuinely confident individuals exude a magnetic quality because they embrace their true selves. They acknowledge their strengths, manage their weaknesses, and firmly believe in their significance, regardless of whether they fit society's standards of intelligence, attractiveness, or social prowess.

Lowey also pointed out that, often, individuals hinder their own confidence.

"We can be our own biggest obstacle when it comes to confidence. We carry around certain core beliefs like 'I should,' 'I can't,' and 'I'm not worthy.' Let's dissect these," she urged.

Lowey provided three key areas to focus on in order to bolster confidence:

1. Addressing "I should": This belief often stems from unhealthy comparisons and manifests as thoughts like "I should know how to do this" or "I should be more confident." Lowey encouraged individuals to challenge these notions, emphasizing that each person's journey is unique. Comparing oneself to others is like transplanting a rainforest vine to a desert and wondering why it's struggling. Instead, acknowledge your strengths and recognize your own superpower.

2. Confronting "I can't": When we've faced setbacks or failures, we tend to adopt a mindset of "I can't." Lowey recommended replacing it with "I won't" to acknowledge it as a choice. Then, delve into what's holding you back. Ask probing questions like "What am I trying to avoid?" This often reveals old wounds that need healing. Identify your needs and wants to shift from a stagnant state to one of hope and action.

3. Challenging "I'm not worthy": Society often imposes external criteria for measuring our worth, but Lowey advocated detaching from these expectations. She emphasized that we don't need to be everyone's cup of tea, as not everyone shares the same taste. Instead, embrace what makes you uniquely valuable and worthy. Your distinct qualities contribute positively to the world. When you allow your authentic self to shine, you attract the right people and opportunities while inspiring others to do the same.

In summary, Lowey's insights provide a powerful framework for cultivating genuine confidence and embracing one's authentic self. Trusting in your worth, acknowledging your strengths, and letting your true self shine can lead to meaningful connections and opportunities.

Navigating Transitions from College to the Real World: Coping Strategies for Graduates

Graduating from college is a significant milestone, often accompanied by a mix of excitement, anticipation, and uncertainty. Transitioning from the structured world of academia to the reality of the professional workforce can be challenging. If you're a recent graduate grappling with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, or dissatisfaction with your job, you're not alone. As a mental health professional, I'm here to provide guidance on how to cope with these challenges and find your footing in the real world.

Embrace Change with Realistic Expectations

The transition from college to a professional job is a profound change that comes with its own set of challenges. It's essential to approach this period with realistic expectations. Understand that the initial stages of your career may not be as glamorous or fulfilling as you envisioned. You might be starting at an entry-level position or facing a steep learning curve. Give yourself permission to grow and evolve over time.

Seek Support and Connection

Loneliness is a common experience during the transition from college to the real world. In college, you were likely surrounded by friends and a supportive community. In the professional world, it's common to feel isolated, especially if you're working remotely or in a new city. To combat loneliness, make an effort to stay connected with friends and family. Consider joining networking groups or social clubs related to your interests to meet like-minded individuals.

Practice Self-Compassion

Feelings of inadequacy often stem from comparing yourself to others or holding yourself to unrealistic standards. It's essential to practice self-compassion during this transition. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing similar challenges. Remember that it's okay to make mistakes and that personal and professional growth takes time.

Set Realistic Goals

Feeling unfulfilled in your job might be a result of unrealistic expectations or misalignment with your career goals. Take the time to set clear and realistic short-term and long-term goals. Break down your goals into manageable steps, and consider seeking guidance from a career counselor or mentor to help you navigate your career path.

Explore New Interests and Hobbies

To combat dissatisfaction with your work, consider exploring new interests and hobbies outside of your job. Engaging in activities you're passionate about can provide a sense of fulfillment and balance in your life. It can also help you meet people with similar interests, potentially alleviating feelings of loneliness.

Communicate with Your Employer

If you're unhappy with your job, it's essential to communicate with your employer or supervisor. Constructive feedback can lead to positive changes in your role or work environment. Additionally, discussing your concerns with your employer can help you gain clarity on your career trajectory and whether the company aligns with your long-term goals.

Manage Stress

The transition from college to the real world can be stressful. Balancing the demands of a new job, financial responsibilities, and personal life can take a toll on your well-being. Prioritize stress management techniques such as mindfulness, exercise, and relaxation exercises to help you cope with the pressures of this transition.

Seek Professional Help

If you find that your feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, or job dissatisfaction persist and significantly impact your daily life, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. A mental health counselor or therapist can work with you to address these challenges, provide coping strategies, and support your emotional well-being.

Network and Build Relationships

Networking is a crucial aspect of professional growth and personal satisfaction. Attend industry events, join professional organizations, and seek out mentors who can guide you in your career. Building relationships with colleagues and peers can provide a support system and open up opportunities for career advancement.

Embrace Continuous Learning

In the professional world, learning doesn't end with college. Embrace the concept of lifelong learning and invest in your personal and professional development. Pursuing additional courses, certifications, or workshops can help you gain new skills and enhance your job satisfaction.

The transition from college to the real world can be a tumultuous journey filled with challenges and uncertainties. It's important to recognize that struggling with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, or job dissatisfaction is a common experience during this phase. By embracing change with realistic expectations, seeking support, practicing self-compassion, and actively working on your personal and professional growth, you can navigate this transition with resilience and find fulfillment in your professional journey. Remember that you have the strength and potential to thrive in the real world, even when it feels overwhelming.

Embracing “Intelligent Failure”

In our culture that often glorifies success and perfection, the thought of failure may feel daunting and paralyzing. Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson has spent her career advocating for a different perspective—one that celebrates what she calls "intelligent failure." Edmondson's work not only revolutionizes the way organizations operate but also offers profound insights for how individuals should view successes and failures in their own life.

Understanding Intelligent Failure

At the heart of Edmondson's research lies the idea that not all failures are created equal. While conventional wisdom portrays failure as a sign of incompetence or negligence, intelligent failure is quite the opposite. It is a purposeful and calculated endeavor where individuals and organizations embrace the potential for failure as a means to learn and innovate.

One of Edmondson's key contributions is the concept of "psychological safety." She argues that creating an environment where people feel safe to voice their ideas, admit their mistakes, and take calculated risks is paramount to fostering intelligent failure. In such an environment, failure is seen as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than a career-ending misstep.

Intelligent Failure in Organizations

Edmondson's work has had big impacts in the corporate world. In organizations that encourage intelligent failure, employees are more likely to collaborate, experiment, and innovate. This leads to the development of groundbreaking products, services, and solutions. Companies like Google and Pixar have famously embraced this philosophy, creating spaces where employees are encouraged to pursue ambitious projects without the fear of immediate consequences if they fail.

By learning from their failures, organizations can adapt to changing market conditions, enhance their competitive advantage, and ultimately thrive in the long term. Edmondson's research has shown that organizations that encourage intelligent failure are more resilient and agile, better equipped to navigate uncertainty, and more capable of driving meaningful change.

Applying Intelligent Failure to Life

The principles of intelligent failure are equally applicable to areas of personal growth and self-improvement. In our journey through life, we encounter numerous challenges, setbacks, and failures. It is how we respond to these failures that ultimately determines our success and happiness.

• Embrace Risk and Change: Just as organizations need to take calculated risks to innovate, individuals must also be willing to step out of their comfort zones and embrace change. Whether it's pursuing a new career, starting a business, or learning a new skill, intelligent failure involves recognizing that setbacks are part of the process.

• Cultivate a Growth Mindset: Edmondson's work aligns with the principles of a growth mindset, as popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck. A growth mindset involves seeing challenges as opportunities for learning and development. When we view failure as a chance to grow, we are more resilient in the face of adversity.

• Foster Psychological Safety in Relationships: Just as organizations benefit from psychological safety, so do our personal relationships. Building trust and open communication with loved ones allows us to be vulnerable and admit our failures without fear of rejection or judgment, which ultimately strengthens our connections and creates a supportive bond.

• Learn from Mistakes: Perhaps the most crucial aspect of intelligent failure in life is the commitment to learning from our mistakes. Every setback or failure can provide valuable insights that contribute to personal growth and future success.

Research on intelligent failure has transformed the way we should perceive setbacks and mistakes. By embracing failure as a path to growth and innovation, organizations and individuals can thrive in an ever-changing world. As we apply these principles to our lives, we can cultivate resilience, adaptability, and a deep appreciation for the power of intelligent failure to drive our personal fulfillment.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.

In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.

Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.

The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.

NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.

Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.

It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.

It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.

In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.

When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.

Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.

Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.

Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.

Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Preparing for the Climb: What to expect in your first therapy session

Congratulations on scheduling your first counseling appointment! If this is your first time in therapy, you may be wondering what it’s going to be like that first appointment. Even if it’s not your first venture into counseling, it’s helpful to know what to expect with your new counselor (me). 

I like to think of undertaking therapy as similar to climbing a mountain. Just like the steps one takes to prepare for an intense climb, the therapy process starts with gathering information, taking stock of your equipment/tools, and making a plan. Using this metaphor, let’s talk about the first step in therapy: the intake appointment. 

Step 1: Meet your climbing partner 

Climbing a mountain is hard work. It helps to take a climbing partner with you – ideally someone who has climbed before and is dedicated to walking with you through the most challenging parts. The same is true with counseling. During your first session, I will introduce myself to you and go over a few important details about the counseling process. 

A little bit about your climbing partner/therapist: Right now I am a Supervised Therapist at South Tampa Therapy, which means I am counseling under the supervision and licensure of Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney while I finish up my final 18 weeks of my Masters in Counseling program Northwestern University. (Previously, I spent 12 years working in corporate America.) My current education has qualified and prepared me to counsel individuals, couples, and families experiencing a variety of life challenges, and over the past year I have accumulated 1,000 hours of experience in clinical mental health settings. I take a collaborative, integrative, and holistic approach, which means I look at the whole person and pull in evidence-based tools from various counseling theories based on what we both believe will be most helpful for you. (Approaches I often use for individuals include Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) including Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP), Narrative, Internal Family Systems, and Psychodynamic; for couples, I also use Gottman and Emotion-Focused Therapy.) 

Step 2: Learn about the climb

A climber needs to be informed about the mountain they are climbing, including any risks, benefits, requirements, and special considerations. You should know the same at the outset of your counseling journey. During the first session, I will tell you what counseling is, what you can generally hope to accomplish, any risks, and what the process will entail. Counseling is a collaborative process aimed at helping clients achieve mental health and wellness. It takes work on the part of the therapist and the client. Together, we will identify goals, gain insight, work through challenges, and practice new skills. If you are here for couples counseling, we will develop insight into what is underlying any relationship problems and then work to heal wounds, resolve conflict, and improve communication. 

Now, about the risks. While counseling is successful for many people, like any endeavor, there is not 100% certainty. It might not be the right time to climb the mountain, or I might not be the best climbing partner for you – and that’s ok if we find that out! I want the best for you. Also, talking about hard things can bring up difficult emotions – similar to training your muscles for a long climb, you may experience some emotional “soreness” along the way. That is why your counselor is here to train alongside you – so you’re not facing the journey alone!

Another important aspect of the therapy process is confidentiality and its limits. Confidentiality is of utmost importance to me, and I am also bound by law and my professional ethics to uphold it. Everything we talk about in session will stay in session. I may seek supervision from my supervisor (who is also bound by confidentiality) on aspects of your case to ensure I am providing the best possible care. There are only a few instances where I would be required by law to break confidentiality: if I believe you are going to harm yourself or another person, if there is suspected abuse of a child or vulnerable adult, or if my court records were to be subpoenaed (which is highly unlikely). 

Beyond confidentiality, we will cover policies and communication expectations – things like what to do if we run into each other out of the therapy room, how to get in touch between sessions, and cancellation/rescheduling expectations. I highly encourage questions about anything – I want you to feel confident and comfortable as we begin the journey. 

Step 3: Check equipment and readiness level

Embarking on a mountain climb without checking one’s equipment (what you bring with you) and readiness levels would not likely result in a successful outcome. My goal for counseling is to help you achieve your goals. And in order to do that, I need to get to know what you’re bringing with you in your emotional backpack! That’s why this first session will be more question-heavy than other sessions we will have together (where you will be doing most of the talking). I will ask you about your health, family history, and what symptoms you’re currently experiencing. Since we’re shaped by both nature (our genetic makeup) and nurture (family, community, experiences, and global events and messages), gathering information about these topics helps us get a sense of how these factors may be impacting you. Most importantly, I’ll ask what brings you to counseling now and what you’re hoping to get out of it. I may also administer one or more assessments that we can come back to over the course of treatment to check on progress. 

Step 4: Map out the journey 

During our first session, we’ll start to hone in on goals for our time together – you might think about it like determining which mountain (or mountains) we want to climb, how frequently it makes sense to train, and a goal for how quickly we can reach the top. Each person has unique goals. For instance, a goal may be to reduce the frequency, intensity, and duration of anxious  thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it could be to find clarity on a difficult, stressful decision. Or maybe it could be to improve communication in a relationship, process through a trauma, grieve a loss, or increase self-esteem. It’s possible that the goals will start out more general and become more specific as we gain more clarity on symptomatology. As we dive deeper, they may also shift. We might even add additional goals along the way! 

Goals are important because they provide direction for our work together. They also let us know if we’re on the right track or if we need to switch approaches. Finally, if we are successful during our time together, our goals will help inform when it’s time to begin winding down our sessions. 

With our goals set, we will discuss how frequently we want to meet (I usually recommend weekly to start with) and set our next appointment time. I may also ask you if you are ok with taking part in “practice” (which I find is a more palatable word than “homework”) between the intake and the next session. This could be, for example, reading a brief article, tracking your thoughts and feelings, journaling, or trying out a new coping tool. We can both expect to leave the intake with an idea of where we’ll be headed in therapy as well as what we’ll focus on in the next session. 

What to keep in mind when beginning counseling

Embarking on the counseling journey is a big decision – akin to standing in front of a tall mountain and making the decision to climb it. And the intake session is sort of like meeting your climbing partner for the first time, taking stock of your equipment, and mapping your route before the journey. It’s ok to feel a little nervous at this stage. It makes sense – talking about hard things and putting in the work is difficult! But know that as a counselor I am there with you, creating a nonjudgmental space to feel, process, and work through the most difficult parts of your experience. It’s so much easier to climb when you know you’re not doing it alone. And the view at the top? Well, it’s pretty spectacular.

Book with author of this blog post, Kaitlin Lowey, here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Harvard Study Reveals Key to Happiness and Health: Meaningful Relationships with Family, Friends, and Community

The Study

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, started in 1938, is the longest study on human life with a mission to uncover the secrets to good health and happiness. The original cohort of 268 student volunteers (including future president John F. Kennedy) has expanded over the years to include their offspring, varying socioeconomic classes, and women. Data collected reveals a surprising truth about us as human beings – our close relationships are what keep us happiest and healthiest throughout our lives.

Every few years, participants of the study have completed questionnaires regarding their health, marriages, careers, success and failures, and much more. They’ve shared their medical records and sat down for in-person interviews. After pouring over data and stories acquired over decades, scientists have discovered that the best predictor of health and happiness in life is having close connections with others. Our relationships are more important to our well-being than money, fame, social class, IQ, and even our genes. In fact, people who have strong, meaningful relationships in their 50s turn out to be the healthiest ones in their 80s. 

The Power of Human Connection

Why is human connection so powerful? Multiple studies reveal the positive impacts of social connections. Strong relationships lead to better mental health, lower rates of anxiety and depression, stronger immune systems, higher self-esteem, greater empathy towards others, improved ability to recover from disease, and can ultimately help us live longer lives. Think about how nice it feels to sit with others and share a piece of ourselves through stories and experiences. We laugh together, which releases endorphins in our body. Endorphins are those “feel good” hormones that give us a sense of well-being and can temporarily relieve pain. And the more we engage in social activities and reap the benefits of their impact, the more people WANT to be with us, thus creating a positive feedback loop of human connectedness.

The Effects of Loneliness

Why is loneliness so detrimental to our health? According to the Harvard study, loneliness is as harmful to us as alcoholism and smoking. In fact, we now know that feeling lonely can negatively impact our immune system, sleep patterns, blood pressure, stress hormones, and mental health. As we age over time, these impacts take a toll on our bodies and minds. And in our later years of life, social connections and support may be even harder to find with limits in mobility and a shrinking social cohort. Nurturing healthy relationships today help buffer the impact of entering our twilight years.

Becoming Connected with Others

How do we incorporate the findings of the Harvard study into our own lives for better health and happiness? How do we make new social connections and nurture the ones we already have? It’s easier than you think. Start with the people who already show up in your life. Set up date night with your partner. Go play with your kids. Reach out to a friend today and get something on the calendar – perhaps a walk along Bayshore Boulevard in the early morning or evening, a stroll through one of the various weekend markets we have in Tampa, a backyard cookout, or just a meaningful conversation on your front porch. It doesn’t need to be an expensive or time-consuming outing – it’s all about the connection.

And don’t forget to seek out opportunities in your community for expanding your social circle. Consider attending church on Sunday, finding a tennis or pickleball clinic, signing up for a cooking class, or mentoring a young person who needs guidance in life. All of these options and more are available to you. With knowledge gained from the Harvard study, we now know the key to a lifetime of happiness and good health – meaningful relationships. Let’s get started.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Why The Transition From College Athlete to the Real World is so Hard

The experiences of athletes like Simone Biles and Michael Phelps have shed light on the mental health struggles many athletes face. A topic that has received less attention – but deserves equal standing – is the mental wellbeing of athletes who are transitioning from intense competition into the next phase of their life. 

This period of time can be a difficult one for many reasons. Most athletes end their athletic career in college, which coincides with numerous changes that all college graduates face, including leaving the familiarity of school, entering the workforce, and a general sense of uncertainty that comes with starting a new phase. But for athletes, this period can be even more difficult because it can feel like a large portion of their identity has been lost.

Whereas most college students have the opportunity to test out new identities and “find themselves” in high school and college, athletes’ immense time and energy investment in their sports prevents them from doing the same. Their athletic participation, which usually begins early in life, provides them with athletic purpose, athletic identity, structure, adoration from others, camaraderie with teammates, competition highs, and social status. But this comes at a cost. They miss out on opportunities to explore life outside of athletics, experiment with various roles, and face conflicts that refine one’s sense of self. Ultimately, this can result in what is known as identity foreclosure, which essentially means not having had the opportunity to explore oneself before settling on an identity. In other words, athletes don’t have the opportunity to find out who they are apart from their sport. On top of this, retiring athletes face the loss of being highly skilled at something, the loss of a built-in support network, and the loss of public admiration. If all of this sounds like a lot, that’s because it is!

It’s no wonder that retiring student-athletes often struggle with adjustment difficulties, uncertainty, career problems, financial issues, social problems, and issues with self-esteem, self-concept, well-being, and life direction as they transition from their exclusive athletic identity to an uncertain one. The shift away from athletics has been associated with mental health symptoms including feelings of grief, anxiety, and depression, as well as decreased social support, isolation, declined sense of self-worth, loss of interest in activities, and lack of motivation. Furthermore, athletes who have not developed coping strategies may turn to substance use or unhealthy eating habits, which are common coping mechanisms among student-athletes encountering negative events. 

If you’re an athlete or recently retired athlete, you might be feeling anxious about the transition into the “real world,” or you might be nodding along in recognition of your experience. Thankfully, whether you are planning ahead for the next phase or seeking support during a recent retirement, there are many things you can do to ease the transition. The first is to develop interests and skills outside of your sport. Ideally, you would engage in pre-retirement planning a year or more in advance. However, if you haven’t done that, there are still many ways you can move forward with intention. The key is to consider your values and interests apart from your sport, begin to develop new skills that align with those values and interests, and set goals. These steps can help you develop a sense of identity outside of athletics that you can build on. Ask yourself what lights you up and gets you excited, and go from there. Ultimately, you will be able to take the motivation and hard work you applied to your sport and channel it into finding success in a new pursuit. It may take time, and the beginning may feel overwhelming, but think of it like building a muscle. It might hurt, and it might be slow going, but eventually you will see the results!

Another important step is to process your feelings about stopping your sport. You can explore what being an athlete has contributed to your life, what it is/will be like to no longer identify as an athlete or be part of a team, and what emotions that brings up for you. In addition, you should process through any fears, hopes, and beliefs you have about entering this next life phase. If you have already stopped playing your sport and are going through the grieving process, know that this is normal. It’s okay – actually, necessary – to allow yourself to grieve, and you don’t have to go through it alone. You can do this work with teammates and mentors, in therapy, or as part of a support group. 

Another important factor to consider is continuation of belonging and social support – two major benefits athletes receive from being a part of a team. Again, you don’t have to go through this transition alone! Be intentional about checking in with your team members who are going through the same situation, and make a plan for how to support one another through this time. You should also seek out groups of individuals with similar interests outside of your sports team. For example, you might sign up for intramural sports, take an art or photography class, or get involved in a company with lots of other motivated young people. It’s important to remember that building social relationships outside of sports can take work and take time, and they may look and feel slightly different than the ones you had in college.

The transition from athlete to the “real world” can be a tricky one, so if you are going through it, be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to mourn the loss of your athlete identity. And it’s okay to feel scared or anxious about what lies ahead. At the same time, it’s okay to look forward to how you will learn, grow, and find success – whatever that looks like for you – over the next several decades! There is so much more to you than the title of athlete. And your friends, teammates, and mentors are there to help you along your journey. We are all rooting for you! 

Book with author of this blog post, Kaitlin Lowey, here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Why your therapist won’t tell you what to do

One question us therapists often hear from our clients is, “What should I do?”

It makes sense that a client would want our advice. After all, we are often the only people in our clients’ lives who know all of the intricate matters of their hearts. We sit with the ambivalent feelings, desires, and conundrums our clients find themselves encountering. And, because we aren’t interwoven in our clients lives in the way that a friend or family member is, we aren’t directly impacted by the decisions our clients make. In short, we get the full picture without being in the picture. So, why shouldn’t we give them advice? 

Let me answer this question by painting a picture of a hypothetical client scenario. In this situation, a client has been dissatisfied with her relationship for quite some time. She feels that her partner cannot connect with her on an emotional level, and their sex life has been lackluster for the past year. She explains the full details of her situation to her therapist and asks, “What should I do?” Her therapist says, “Well, it sounds like this may not be the best relationship for you. I think you should leave.” 

What are the possibilities coming out of this? Let’s consider a few. 1. The client leaves her partner but later feels she has made a mistake. 2. The client leaves her partner and is thrilled about making the decision, but she is robbed of her confidence in her ability to make her own decisions and relies on her therapist for all future major decisions. 3. The client stays in the relationship and no longer trusts the therapist's opinion. 4. The client finds that she actually resents being told what to do and ghosts her therapist, losing faith in therapy and never getting the therapeutic help that would have helped her confront her deeper underlying reasons for seeking help in the first place.

As you can see, there is no winning when we provide advice to our clients.

In fact, this can do more harm than good. When providing an opinion, we may also fall into the unethical trap of imposing our own beliefs and values onto our clients – a direct violation of our ethical code. We also strip our clients of the very empowerment they come to therapy to build. While providing an answer to our clients’ problems may temporarily provide relief from uncertainty, it also reinforces reliance on the therapist to provide a sense of certainty. We want our clients to stand in their own power and trust in themselves – and to believe that no matter what the outcome of their dilemma, they will be able to handle it. 

So, what do we do when our clients ask us, “What should I do?”

We have several approaches we can take. We can help our clients to think through the pros and cons of each choice. Through this process, we may collectively uncover possibilities our clients had not thought of before. We might even go deeper than the surface level questions, challenging catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, and other cognitive distortions. Perhaps we’ll find that the situation is not as bleak as it seems. If a client seems to be intellectualizing a choice, we might focus on expressing feelings and underlying needs. Contrary to popular belief, feelings and needs play an important role in decision-making and should not be ignored. Finally, we might explore how similar situations in the past are connected to the client’s emotions and beliefs about the current situation – or even confront the concepts of uncertainty and control more abstractly. 

We therapists are certainly flattered that our clients think our opinions are worth seeking on-high stakes decisions. But we also care about our clients enough to not tell them what to do. What we can do – and what is ultimately far more helpful – is  help them gain more insight into themselves. And this in itself is so powerful. Because when our clients know themselves better, they can make better-informed decisions that are aligned with their own goals, values, and beliefs.  

Book with Author Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey