SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
Non Violent Communication
1. Nonviolent Communication®
Nonviolent Communication® was developed in the sixties of the twentieth century by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg – a student of Carl Rogers. Rosenberg, born in 1934 in the USA and of Jewish religion, grew up in an inner-city Detroit neighborhood where he was confronted with various forms of violence, including race riots with deaths. This triggered his desire to explore what exactly happens when people behave violently, and conversely, what allows some people to stay compassionate and human under even the most trying circumstances (Rosenberg 2000, pp. xi-3). He chose to study clinical psychology and received his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Wisconsin in 1961.
While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our use of words’ (Rosenberg 2000, p. 2).
In the wake of these findings he developed an approach to communicating that enables people to connect with themselves and with others in a way that allows their natural compassion to flourish. He called his approach Nonviolent Communication®.
Nonviolent Communication® is based on the vision of a world in which everybody’s needs are taken into consideration and people give and take with joy. The primary goal of NVC® is to help people connect with themselves and others.
Nonviolent Communication® (shortened NVC®) is based on the assumption that…
Needs are the ‘motor’ of all human behavior, i.e. that all activities of people are attempts to meet needs.
All people have the same needs, e.g. autonomy, reliability, freedom, peace.
Violence (including verbal violence) is an expression of unmet needs.
Our feelings are signals whether needs are met or not.
All people have the potential (but in many cases not the knowledge and skills) to empathize with themselves and others.
(Richter-Kaupp, course notes, International Intensive Training with Marshall Rosenberg, August 2002, Switzerland)
For many people the NVC® communication model is easy to understand but difficult to put into action. It requires the following three core skills:
Self-empathy: The ability to empathize with oneself.
Sincerity: The ability to sincerely express oneself in a way that increases the willingness of the other person to listen and respond to what is said.
Empathy: The ability to be present and empathize with the other person.
In order to facilitate these skills, the NVC® model suggests the following steps:
Needs are universal and enable people to connect with each other. They therefore play a central role in the NVC® model. Each and every person on earth – no matter what age, gender or cultural origin – at least at times wants to be heard, accepted, trusted, respected, to name just a few. Feelings act as a signaler, because they point us to those needs which are currently being met or unmet.
Learn more by watching this 12 Min. Video: Be CLEAR About What You WANT | Marshall Rosenberg
Why Am I So Anxious?
Why Am I So Anxious?
Fact: You Cannot Be Anxious and Relaxed At The Same Time! Therefore, the antidote to anxiety = relaxation...
Every human feels anxiety on occasion; it is a part of life. All of us know what it is like to feel worry, nervousness, fear, and concern. We feel nervous when we have to give a speech, go for a job interview, or walk into our boss's office for the annual performance appraisal. We know it's normal to feel a surge of fear when we unexpectedly see a photo of a snake or look down from the top of a tall building. Most of us manage these kinds of anxious feelings fairly well and are able to carry on with our lives without much difficulty. These feelings don't disrupt our lives.
But millions of people (an estimated 15% of the population) suffer from devastating and constant anxiety that severely affects their lives, sometimes resulting in living in highly restricted ways. These people experience panic attacks, phobias, extreme shyness, obsessive thoughts, and compulsive behaviors. The feeling of anxiety is a constant and dominating force that disrupts their lives. Some become prisoners in their own homes, unable to leave to work, drive, or visit the grocery store. For these people, anxiety is much more than just an occasional wave of apprehension.
Types of Anxiety Disorders
An anxiety disorder affects a person's behavior, thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. The most common anxiety disorders include the following:
Social anxiety or social phobia is a fear of being around other people. People who suffer from this disorder always feel self-conscious around others. They have the feeling that everyone is watching them and staring at them, being critical in some way. Because the anxiety is so painful, they learn to stay away from social situations and avoid other people. Some eventually need to be alone at all times, in a room with the door closed. The feeling is pervasive and constant and even happens with people they know.
People who have social anxiety know that their thoughts and fears are not rational. They are aware that others are not actually judging or evaluating them at every moment. But this knowledge does not make the feelings disappear.
Panic disorder is a condition where a person has panic attacks without warning. According to the National Institutes of Mental Health, about 5% of the adult American population suffers from panic attacks. Some experts say that this number is actually higher, since many people experience panic attacks but never receive treatment.
Common symptoms of panic include:
· Racing or pounding heart
· Trembling
· Sweaty palms
· Feelings of terror
· Chest pains or heaviness in the chest
· Dizziness and lightheadedness
· Fear of dying
· Fear of going crazy
· Fear of losing control
· Feeling unable to catch one's breath
· Tingling in the hands, feet, legs, or arms
A panic attack typically lasts several minutes and is extremely upsetting and frightening. In some cases, panic attacks last longer than a few minutes or strike several times in a short time period.
A panic attack is often followed by feelings of depression and helplessness. Most people who have experienced panic say that the greatest fear is that the panic attack will happen again.
Many times, the person who has a panic attack doesn't know what caused it. It seems to have come "out of the blue." At other times, people report that they were feeling extreme stress or had encountered difficult times and weren't surprised that they had a panic attack.
Generalized anxiety disorder is quite common, affecting an estimated 3 to 4% of the population. This disorder fills a person's life with worry, anxiety, and fear. People who have this disorder are always thinking and dwelling on the "what ifs" of every situation. It feels like there is no way out of the vicious cycle of anxiety and worry. The person often becomes depressed about life and their inability to stop worrying.
People who have generalized anxiety usually do not avoid situations, and they don't generally have panic attacks. They can become incapacitated by an inability to shut the mind off, and are overcome with feelings of worry, dread, fatigue, and a loss of interest in life. The person usually realizes these feelings are irrational, but the feelings are also very real. The person's mood can change from day to day, or even hour to hour. Feelings of anxiety and mood swings become a pattern that severely disrupts the quality of life.
People with generalized anxiety disorder often have physical symptoms including headaches, irritability, frustration, trembling, inability to concentrate, and sleep disturbances. They may also have symptoms of social phobia and panic disorder.
Other types of anxiety disorders include:
Phobia, fearing a specific object or situation.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), a system of ritualized behaviors or obsessions that are driven by anxious thoughts.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe anxiety that is triggered by memories of a past traumatic experience.
Agoraphobia, disabling fear that prevents one from leaving home or another safe place.
Treatment Options
Most people who suffer from anxiety disorders begin to feel better when they receive the proper treatment. It can be difficult to identify the correct treatment, however, because each person's anxiety is caused by a unique set of factors. It can be frustrating for the client when treatment is not immediately successful or takes longer than hoped for. Some clients feel better after a few weeks or months of treatment, while others may need a year or more. If a person has an anxiety disorder in combination with another disorder (such as alcoholism and depression), treatment is more complicated and takes longer.
While a treatment plan must be specifically designed for each individual, there are a number of standard approaches. Mental health professionals who specialize in treating anxiety most often use a combination of the following treatments. There is no single correct approach.
Cognitive Therapy
The client learns how to identify and change unproductive thought patterns by observing his or her feelings and learning to separate realistic from unrealistic thoughts.
Behavior Therapy
This treatment helps the client alter and control unwanted behavior. Systematic desensitization, a type of behavior therapy, is often used to help people with phobias and OCD. The client is exposed to anxiety-producing stimuli one small step at a time, gradually increasing his or her tolerance to situations that have produced disabling anxiety.
Relaxation Training
Many people with anxiety disorders benefit from self-hypnosis, guided visualization, and biofeedback. Relaxation training is often part of psychotherapy.
Medication
Antidepressant and antianxiety medications can help restore chemical imbalances that cause symptoms of anxiety. This is an effective treatment for many people, especially in combination with psychotherapy.
The treatment for an anxiety disorder depends on the severity and length of the problem. The client's willingness to actively participate in treatment is also an important factor. When a person with panic is motivated to try new behaviors and practice new skills and techniques, he or she can learn to change the way the brain responds to familiar thoughts and feelings that have previously caused anxiety.
How Psychotherapy Retrains the Brain to Expect (and Feel) Better
People enter psychotherapy with the desire to feel better, but they are often unsure how therapy will help them accomplish this goal. A common refrain from people hesitant to enter therapy is, “How is talkinggoing to help?” People are used to talking to other people to get practical solutions to problems, and while problem-solving does have a place in therapy, change also occurs on a much deeper and unconscious level. This process has to do with the way the human brain is programmed and cannot easily be mimicked outside of a relationship with a psychotherapist.
Our brains are always evolving unconsciously through our relationships. People who experienced painful relationships growing up have been trained to expect hurtful experiences with others. It takes a new type of relationship—in particular, a therapeutic relationship—to retrain the brain to expect more positive experiences, which is a big part of ultimately feeling better.
WHY CAN’T A THERAPIST JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO?
To understand why the therapeutic relationship can be so valuable and cannot be mimicked by, for example, advice in a self-help book, it is instructive to look at how the human brain has evolved. Broadly, there are three parts of the human brain that represent different phases of evolution: There is the reptilian brain, which evolved first and is responsible for the automatic control of vital bodily functions such as breathing; the limbic brain, which evolved second and is responsible for the regulation of emotion and behavior; and the neocortex, which evolved last and is responsible for higher-order functions such as symbolic thought, language, and reasoning.
When a person asks their therapist or a friend what they should do about something, they are essentially asking for a neocorticol solution—something that is rational and can be consciously implemented. Often, however, their problems are a result of hurtful experiences in their earlier relationships that have caused changes in their limbic brain, and only a new type of relationship can alter their limbic brain to produce fewer negativeemotionsand more positive ones.
BRAIN WIRING IN OUR YOUTH: HOW EMOTIONAL ISSUES BEGIN
Our emotions are meant to help us survive in a world in which we need the help of others. Over time, our limbic brains evolved to automatically create emotions, such as anger and sadness, that are meant to help us navigate the social world. When someone mistreats us, evolution has programmed us to become angry to try and change their behavior. When someone rejects us, we feel sad so we can mourn the loss of what we wanted with them and move forward with our lives.
However, when we are young and particularly dependent on others for survival, whether our emotions actually help us navigate the world has a lot to do with how other people—our parents in particular—respond to them. A child who responds to unfair or disappointing experiences with anger and is further punished for doing so may, over time, come to unconsciously pair the expression of anger with pain. As this occurs, rather than directly experiencing anger at times of unfair treatment or disappointment, they may instead experience anxiety about having anger because their brain has been trained by their social environment to expect that anger will hurt rather than help. Their limbic system is in effect attempting to prevent further emotional pain in the form of being punished, but the cost is another type of emotional pain in the form of persistent anxiety. This can be particularly problematic when people enter into new relationships (friendships, romantic relationships) where there would not be the same costs associated with the open expression of an emotion like anger, but earlier experiences still create anxiety and inhibit its expression.
RETRAINING THE BRAIN WITH PSYCHOTHERAPY
A psychotherapy relationship allows a person to essentially retrain their limbic system to no longer expect negative reactions to the expression of certain emotional experiences, and in doing so can alleviate the anxiety and unconscious emotional suppression their earlier experiences programmed into them. The therapeutic relationship does this in part because the parameters of psychotherapy recreate the type of relationship in which a person was first forced to suppress their emotions: one where they are dependent on another person to meet their needs.
A successful course of therapy helps restore a person’s emotional flexibility and empowerment so they can have greater agency in their relationships.
Just as a parent has a daunting task in meeting all of a child’s needs, so too does a psychotherapist, especially since many people arrive to therapy wanting a conscious, rational solution to their problems when such a solution often does not exist. Therapy presents a unique opportunity to heal and feel better by the way the therapist solicits and responds to feelings such as disappointment, anger, and sadness that emerge over the course of treatment. Rather than punishing a person for having these emotional experiences in the same way that may have occurred when they were younger, a therapist can actively solicit, explore, and normalize their feelings. This helps to retrain a person’s limbic system to no longer pair the expression of those emotions with punishment. As this de-coupling unconsciously occurs, the person becomes more easily able to tolerate the experience and expression of emotions.
THRIVING IN ADULTHOOD
This shift in tolerance for emotions naturally causes a person’s anxiety level to diminish because their mind is no longer fighting to ward off their innate emotional impulses. In addition to symptom relief, the beautiful part of this process is it restores a person’s ability to constructively access their emotions for their original purpose—as a way of helping to navigate the social world. It is hard to thrive in relationships when we have been programmed to believe we must accept the mistreatment of others or that we cannot show others when we are hurting and in need of care. As adults, this is often no longer the case, but our early experiences may make such underlying beliefs unconsciously feel true.
A successful course of therapy helps restore a person’s emotional flexibility and empowerment so they can have greater agency in their relationships. The result can be genuinely transformative, and studies suggest people who have been through therapy show less activity in the areas of the brain responsible for creating negative emotions. Talking, it turns out, can help quite a bit when the person you are talking to is a skilled and compassionate therapist.
If you’re struggling, reach out to a therapist in your area for help.
References:
- Bowlby, J. (2005). A secure base: Clinical applications of attachment theory (Vol. 393). UK: Taylor & Francis.
- Cozolino, L. (2010). The neuroscience of psychotherapy: Healing the social brain. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company.
- Damasio, A. R. (2006). Descartes’ error. New York, NY: Random House.
- Grecucci, A., Theuninck, A., Frederickson, J., & Job, R. (2015). Mechanisms of social emotion regulation: From neuroscience to psychotherapy. In Emotion regulation: Processes, cognitive effects and social consequences, pp.57-84.
- Karlsson, H. (2011). How psychotherapy changes the brain: Understanding the mechanisms. Psychiatric Times, 21.
- Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2007). A general theory of love. New York, NY: Vintage.
- MacLean, P. D. (1990). The triune brain in evolution: Role in paleocerebral functions. Berlin: Springer Science & Business Media.
How People Change
What Is Happiness?
If you are thinking about changing your life for the better, one way to start is by identifying your goals. You are probably hoping to find some version of happiness or emotional well-being. That might look like any combination of the following:
· A sense of freedom
· Self-esteem
· Self-confidence
· Happy to get up in the morning
· Working toward goals
· A sense of purpose in life
· Satisfying relationships
What Is Unhappiness?
If you are thinking about changing your life, you may be experiencing some combination of the following elements:
· Feeling sad, lethargic or depressed
· Feeling afraid
· Abusing or being addicted to alcohol or drugs
· Feeling lonely
· Anxiety
· Problems with relationships
· Not getting what you want in life; feeling frustrated in working toward goals
· Not caring enough to have goals
How Will You Change?
When you decide to change your life, try the following ideas.
1. Explore your feelings. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.
2. Envision your future. Write in a journal, make a collage, do a guided visualization, talk to a friend or counselor, research the possibilities.
3. Explore wishes and dreams. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.
4. Be open to new ideas. Take a class, travel, say yes to things you may have avoided in the past.
5. Look for kindred spirits. Avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself, seek out those who make you blossom, reach out to those with similar interests and dreams.
6. Try something different. Deliberately buy new items, try different brands, shop at different stores, do the opposite of what you usually do, see different movies, read different kinds of books and magazines.
7. Set goals and targets. Learn how to set useful goals, follow through, evaluate progress regularly, reward yourself for achievement.
8. Take one step at a time. Divide your goals into tiny pieces and do one small new thing each day, starting now.
9. Look for lessons. Remind yourself that experiences are not good or bad; they are simply lessons.
How to Overcome Your Resistance to Change
Have you ever noticed that when you think about changing your life, you feel resistant? Many people say that they not only feel resistant, but they actually do things to keep their lives familiar. They do things like start a diet and then eat a candy bar on the first day, or quit smoking and then sneak a puff.
There are some things you can do to make yourself less resistant. Here are six effective strategies:
1. Eliminate clutter. Clutter can be viewed as a sign of uncertainty. Accumulating "stuff" might be stopping you from committing to an important thing. If you keep a lot of half-started projects around, it makes it difficult to zero in on the really important things.
2. Start small. Thinking of your overall goal can be overwhelming. So manage your resistance by choosing one small part of it and attacking it today. Let's say your goal is to lose 20 pounds. That can certainly seem like an impossible thing to accomplish. It will seem more doable if you tell yourself, I'm going to lose five pounds by (date).
3. Disprove your disempowering beliefs. In Reinventing Your Life, authors Young and Klosko suggest that you identify the beliefs that keep you from succeeding. They offer a way to dispute those beliefs by asking, "Is there really an evidence today that this belief is true?" They suggest making a list of the evidence.
4. Remind yourself of all of your available options. You always have alternatives and the power to choose among them.
5. Take responsibility for what you want. Look for signs that you are blaming
your situation on others or not admitting past mistakes. Acknowledge them and move on.
6. Visualize the future. Author Barbara Sher suggests one way to do this: Write an imaginary press release about yourself. The date is today's date, two years in the future. The press release is announcing the most extraordinary event you can think of. It doesn't matter whether this event seems only vaguely possible to you. The important thing is that it is exciting to imagine.
When to Seek Professional Help
Sometimes it makes sense to find a professional counselor to work with as you work through the change process. Here are some ways to know when that would be appropriate:
1. You've tried several things but you still have the problem.
2. You want to find a solution sooner rather than later.
3. You have thoughts of harming yourself or others.
4. You have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or another disorder that are significantly interfering with your daily functioning and the quality of your life. For example, you have lost time from work, your relationships have been harmed, your health is suffering. These are signs that you may need the help of a trained, licensed professional.
The Joys (and Tears) of Parenting My Adult Children
The Joys (and Tears) of Parenting My Adult Children
Shantel Patu // October 16, 2018
4 min read 2,430HOME » THE GOTTMAN RELATIONSHIP BLOG » THE JOYS (AND TEARS) OF PARENTING MY ADULT CHILDREN
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I watched as she stormed into the house. Peril, sheer peril, if you let her tell it.
She hadn’t noticed me reading, quietly in the corner, so she went about, slamming cabinets and drawers, then finally ending her assault on the kitchen by opening and staring into the fridge. I heard her mumble something about hating her job, her co-workers, her commute, and of course, her meager paycheck that she waited for each week. She was adorable.
I peered over my book and examined her. She was considered an average-sized person, about 5’7”, which was a giant to my 5’1” frame. She had these amazing, almond-shaped, bright brown eyes, which she was constantly complaining about the size and the color of, but to me and her father, they were gorgeous.
I looked at this amazing person that I had created, and the thing that stood out to me (besides her poked-out lip) was that she was now an adult. She looked over as if noticing me for the first time and asked, “What are you looking at, mom?” I couldn’t help but smile. All she needed to do next was stomp her left foot, and as if on command, she did. I chuckled as she morphed into my little girl. “Nothing,” I managed to say.
My adult daughter was now a 20-year-old college student. She drove herself everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. She bought her own food and was renting a small room from her best friend. She was by all accounts an adult. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but to still see her as my little girl.
Raising a child seems to be a lifetime psychological and physiological commitment that I signed in blood, the day she was born. I had no idea there would be so much obligation and yet I’ve gleefully devoted my life to this being. The ups and downs of parenting are definitely a challenge, but just wait until you get a load of the young adult shenanigans you get to parent through next.
Parenting has taught me and my husband a lot about ourselves, our relationship, and even about our ever-changing co-parenting styles. I remember when we first delved into the theatrical account of the Misadventures in Parenting, starring us. Our co-stars were two girls and two boys and we weren’t given a script, just pure improv. Our life featured an ambient abstract of “do’s and don’ts,” as we narrated through the whimsical and slightly wild adaptation of our own version of “This is Us,” not yet rated.
Over time, we discovered that our children were complex beings and that parenting is kind of like bartending: you add a lot of this, a bit of that, a touch of this, and eventually you find yourself drunk on the specialty of each of their individual brands. I can remember having to learn to understand my 5-year-old son’s Love Language and his different personality vices while woefully enjoying my 11-year-old’s new-found independence. It was a oxymoron of joys and tears. I can also remember saying prayers with my 4-year-old, then explaining God to my 6-year-old, while my 8-year-old listened and somehow empathized with Satan and felt he got a bad rap for getting kicked out of heaven, saying, “It’s too bad for him, mama, he doesn’t even say his prayers anymore.”
We, the parents, have so many roles that we didn’t know we were signing up for. So much was left out of the job description. And to do this job, with all of its expectations, we weren’t even given an Ikea-style instruction booklet. I have had to be a janitor and a maid (neither of which offers pay or benefits). Often times, I was called upon to be nurse, a surgeon (I am magical with tweezers) and my favorite, a therapist. Parents always need an open ear or two. One for listening to a variety of woes and the other for listening out for a variety of mischief.
We’ve been cheerleaders, pep squads, coaches, and teachers. We’ve shown great prowess as a lawyer, judge, jury, and sometimes even the proverbial executioner (metaphorically speaking, of course). There were also the joyful titles of superhero and GOAT, greatest (parent) of all time. Yet, with all of these moving parts of parenting, they somehow missed including any of it in the birthing orientation.
I find that I’m really enjoying watching my children grow into adults that I can be proud of. I don’t even mind the new roles of ATM, auto mechanic, co-signer, organizer, and their forever therapist (janitor and maid still somehow keep being requested).
As parents, we are hard on ourselves and even harder on our parenting, but in the end, all we can really only hope for is that our children become thoughtful, caring, and loving adults.
Everything else is up to them to figure out. That’s what parenting adult children is all about, learning to watch them figure it out, and of course, waiting in the wings to swoop down like the superheroes that we are. And I see that now.
So regardless of how daunting the tasks, time, and commitment of parenting may seem, we do it to the best of our abilities and with little acknowledgement or appreciation for our sacrifices. Our hopes and dreams lie simply in seeds we planted in their little hearts to grow.
And then it happens. They finally grow up. And hopefully, they are able to leave our loving arms, in search for the means to wrap their loving arms around someone else and become parents themselves.
How Do I Make A Decision?
Many people who come to my office say they have a difficult time making decisions. I have developed a process to help my clients master this skill. I recommend that people follow these four steps:
1. Identify the real issue. For example, you are trying to decide which movie to see, but you are having a hard time agreeing. As you talk about it, you realize that the real issue is that you simply want some time to be together in a quiet place where you can talk. Going to a movie does not address this issue.
2. Identify the available options. In the above example, the options might include going to a quiet restaurant, taking a drive, or walking on the beach.
3. Evaluate the available options. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each. Evaluate how well each option addresses the real issue.
4. Implement the decision. Make a choice and carry it out.
Even though most people make dozens of important and complex judgments every day, few of us have actually been trained to make good decisions. We started making basic decisions when we were young children, and we continue to follow the same simple process as we get older, even though the issues have become much more complicated.
We learned to make decisions by watching our parents and learning in school. Mostly we learned by trial and error. Our first decisions were pretty simple-to choose pizza or hamburgers, to play softball or soccer, to wear the pink headband or the blue one. These decisions pretty much boiled down to choosing between X and Y.
According to the authors of Smart Choices: A Practical Guide to Making Better Decisions, most of us continue to choose between X and Y without making certain that we are addressing the real problem in the first place.
A second common mistake is rushing into a decision, hurrying to get it over with. We rarely step back from the decision and view it in a broader context. While it is more difficult and time-consuming, it is better to take your time and be sure you are seeing the big picture and the key issues.
Strategies for Making Better Decisions
Here are some decision-making tips:
1. Take your time making important decisions. Some situations require a deliberate and careful decision-making process.
2. Once the decision has been made, carry it out without hesitation.
3. If you can, delegate decisions to those who will carry them out. Authors Heller and Hindle (Essential Manager's Man-ual) advise managers always to be on the lookout for ways to push the decision-making process down a level. If you are making decisions for your family, consider how you can involve your kids in the process.
4. Making decisions requires both intuition and logic. It's important to trust your gut, but be sure you are thinking logically.
5. Unless the situation is pretty straightforward, it is a good idea to generate as many ideas as you can. Learn the principles of brainstorming (see box) and throw lots of options into the hopper.
6. Look at the issues from different points of view. How do they look to the different groups they might affect? For example, if a teacher asks his students to wear Native American clothing tomorrow, will the kids' parents have the time to help them prepare on such short notice?
7. Consider the immediate and long-term implications of each solution, including its impact on other people.
8. Consider the worst- and best-case scenarios, as well as the possibilities in between.
Deciding Yourself versus Involving Others
Involving others in your decision-making process helps you avoid the tendency to rush into a decision, hurrying to get it over with. When you take the time to consult others, you force yourself to step back from the situation and see it in a broader context. While it is more difficult and time-consuming, getting the advice and support of others can help you produce better decisions.
Consider these points when seeking advice:
1. Determine whom to involve in the process. If it's a simple, low-risk decision, you may not need to involve any one else.
2. If you do ask others for advice and suggestions, be prepared to respond to their input.
3. Determine who will need to approve your decision, and get that approval.
Consider these points when seeking support:
1. Think about who might resist your decision, and have a plan to manage that resistance. For example, you want to allow your daughter to have her friends sleep over on a weeknight during the summer, but you expect your husband will object because he has to get up for work the next day and doesn't want his sleep disturbed. Think about how you could plan the evening in a way to avoid disturbing your husband.
2. Identify ways to increase the chances that your decision will be supported. In the sleepover example, you could ask the girls' friends to bring sleeping bags, and set up the basement for them to sleep in.
3. If your decision presents any risks, look for ways to minimize them.
Make This Work for You
Rules of Brainstorming
1. Write down the question you are addressing. For example, "Where shall we go on vacation?"
2. Think of as many ideas as you can.
3. Write down every idea, no matter how wild it seems.
4. No one is allowed to judge or evaluate any of the ideas in any way. This includes making faces, rolling eyes, and sighing.
5. The goal is to think of as many ideas as you can. Quantity is more important than quality.
6. After everyone is finished suggesting ideas, take a break.
7. After the break, discuss the ideas and edit the list. A solution will emerge.
Identify a situation in your life right now. Be sure to choose something important and challenging. Apply the steps we have been exploring to this situation.
1. Describe the situation.
2. What is the real issue here?
3. List the pros and cons of each option.
4. What do you need to consider when seeking advice?
5. What do you need to consider when seeking support?
6. What are the best options?
7. Who needs to be involved?
8. What should be delegated? To whom?
9. What resources would need to be secured?
10. What steps need to be planned, and what is their timing?
Increase Self Esteem
What Is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem literally means to esteem, or respect, yourself. Having high self-esteem means that you have a positive image of yourself. Let's look at where such a positive self-image comes from.
In her classic book Celebrate Yourself, Dorothy Corkville Briggs makes a distinction between the real you and your self-image. She says that the real you is unique and unchanging. Most of your self-image-what you think is true about yourself-is learned. It is not necessarily accurate at all!
Where are your beliefs about yourself drawn from? Where did you learn them? If you think about it, you'll see that they came from:
· What others said about you
· What others told you
· What others did to you
Your self-image is the result of all the messages you heard about yourself as a child. These messages added up to a set of beliefs about who you are. It may have nothing to do with who you really are.
For example, you may believe things like:
· I'm not very smart.
· I'm naturally passive.
· Girls aren't any good at math.
· I'm too old to start over.
· All of the women in the Breski family become doctors.
· I'm painfully shy.
· The Hurleys never lie.
In addition to learning to believe certain things during our early years, there are certain situations that make most people feel inferior or lacking in self-esteem.
Some examples are:
· Being criticized
· Not being loved
· Being rejected
· Experiencing failure
What Low Self-Esteem Feels Like
In situations like these above, it is not uncommon to feel emotions such as:
· Sadness
· Inferiority
· Anger
· Jealousy
· Rejection
Cognitive Therapy
Cognitive therapy is one of the most successful methods for helping people feel better about themselves. Cognitive therapists help depressed and anxious people feel better by identifying how faulty ways of thinking are making them feel bad. They believe that faulty thoughts cause us to feel bad, which makes us feel bad about ourselves.
Cognitive therapists call these faulty ways of thinking "twisted thinking." Cognitive therapy is a process where the client analyzes his or her thoughts and beliefs, and learns to substitute more healthy ways of thinking and believing. These therapists help their clients feel better in four steps: First, identify the upsetting events that cause bad feelings; second, record your thoughts about the event; third, identify the distortions in your thinking process; and fourth, substitute rational responses. When the client successfully completes these four steps, the client usually feels better about him- or herself.
Thinking the right kinds of thoughts is one way to feel good about yourself. Now let's talk about a second way to increase your self-esteem: by taking a look at your life environment and seeing whether it supports you feeling good about yourself. You may find that some nourishing elements need to be replenished. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Do you have people in your life who:
1. Treat you with love and respect?
2. Encourage you to do and be anything you want?
3. Help you find out what you want to do, and how to do it?
4. Encourage you to explore all of your talents and interests?
5. Are thrilled when you succeed?
6. Listen to you when you need to complain?
7. Help you bounce back from failure without making you feel bad?
Take a moment to think about each of the items on this list. Note where your environment is providing adequately for you, and where it is lacking. This can give you clues to how to build your own self-esteem.
Strategies for Esteem Building
1. Pay attention to how you are feeling from moment to moment. Tune in to what your five senses are experiencing. Take it down to the most basic level of "I feel warm right now," "I feel light-headed," "I feel a tightness in my stomach."
2. Revisit your interests and goals. Make a list of things you'd like to do and learn. Today, take one step toward learning more.
3. Spend less time with critical people and more time with those who appreciate you.
4. Spend some time with yourself at the end of each day. Review what happened and how you were feeling. Write about it in a private journal.
5. If you are feeling bad about yourself, consider finding a therapist to help you get your life on a positive track.
How To Build Self Confidence
Signs of Self-Confidence
Let's explore the meaning of self-confidence by taking a quiz. Read the list of statements below and check which ones, in your opinion, are signs of self-confidence.
1. Admitting when you are wrong.
2. Being flexible when change is needed.
3. Talking about your accomplishments.
4. Describing negative events in positive terms. For example, "We didn't make our target, but we sure learned a lot."
5. Dressing to please yourself without worrying what others will think.
6. Using a strong handshake.
7. Using casual language in an effort to avoid sounding too "corporate." For example, "You guys did a cool thing."
8. Speaking very fast.
9. Smiling often.
10. Learning new skills.
11. Putting yourself down in order to sound humble.
Low Self-Confidence
Part of defining self-confidence is thinking about what low self-confidence is, what it looks and sounds like. Test yourself now. Circle the statements that convey a lack of self-confidence.
1. "I may be wrong, but I think the answer is ten."
2. "Thank you for the compliment. We're very proud of our work."
3. "That was really stupid of me."
4. "I forgot my business cards. I left them in the car."
5. (Responding to a compliment) "Oh, I've had this dress for ten years."
6. "I would have gotten into the program, but they don't like to take people with my background."
7. "That sounds like a challenge. I'm sure we can figure out how to solve it, though."
8. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I wonder if I could have a minute of your time."
Compare your answers:
Answers to Quiz #1
Items 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 9, and 10 are generally signs of self-confidence. The others could be seen as self-sabotaging behaviors.
Answers to Quiz #2
Items 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 8 communicate low self-confidence. (Of course, there are no 100% right answers, since many of the statements depend on context, tone of voice, cultural interpretation, and other factors.)
Where Does Self-Confidence Come From?
Self-confidence is not something people are born with. It results from a combination of factors:
1. Learned skill: Self-confidence is a combination of skills, not just a single quality. People are not born with it or without it. It can be learned.
2. Practice: Self-confidence comes from practice. It may appear to be spontaneous, but it isn't.
3. Internal locus of control: Self-confidence results from what psychologists call an internal locus (central point) of control. This means that people who are self-directing, who accept responsibility for their own results, have greater self-confidence.
8 Self-Confidence Builders
There are many concrete, specific things you can do to feel more confident in challenging life situations. Make note of those that will help you develop your own sense of self-confidence.
1. Follow your strengths. Self-confidence comes from being the best "you" possible. It doesn't come from trying to be someone else. It is the result of following paths like these:
· Do what comes naturally.
· Develop your talents.
· Follow your convictions.
· Express your own style.
2. Plan ahead. Many people are surprised to hear that self-confidence comes from something as ordinary as planning. But think about it; let's say you are going on a job interview, almost always an anxiety-producing experience. When you are prepared, you feel more confident.
3. Take action. Confidence comes from taking action. Break your challenge down into small steps and take that first step, no matter how small it seems.
4. Study. The more you know about your subject, the more confident you will feel. In fact, the lack of self-confidence almost always stems from a lack of information. We've all had that sick feeling that we don't fully understand what we are talking about.
5. Act the part. The following tips will help you begin to present yourself in a positive way.
· Find a role model. Look for someone who is already successful in your field. Observe him or her and identify for yourself what behaviors convey self-confidence.
· Look and act powerful. Watch people who create a powerful impression. It could be a TV anchor, a character in a movie, or a coworker. Imagine yourself behaving in a similar way.
· Be aware of nonverbal behavior that detracts from presenting yourself with confidence. Ask for feedback from a trusted friend or watch yourself on videotape.
6. Rehearse for success. One of the most important ways to boost your self-confidence is by rehearsing important conversations and presentations. You can never be too prepared. These ideas will help you practice so that you really understand your subject:
· Manage your anxiety. Feeling anxious is normal when you are in a challenging situation. The key is learning to manage anxiety so it doesn't paralyze you or diminish your effectiveness.
· Get organized. When your materials are prepared and well-organized, you will feel better about your ability to access them. Having information scattered in too many places makes you feel out of control and undermines your self-confidence.
7. Persist. Self-confidence is the result of a lot of hard work. The process takes time. It has been said that success is 99% persistence and 1% talent.
8. Enjoy your success. When you reach your goal, don't forget to give yourself credit for working hard. Be proud of what you've accomplished. Here are some ways you can do this:
· Look in the mirror and say to yourself, "Good work. I'm proud of you."
· Think of a way to reward yourself.
· Tell others about your success.
· Write yourself a letter or explore your accomplishment in your journal.
· Draw a picture expressing your achievement.
Assertiveness Communication
Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.
1. Choose the right time. Imagine you're dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, "Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?" Because you haven't scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.
2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.
3. Be direct. For example, "Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project." Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.
4. Say "I," not "we." Instead of saying, "We need the project by Tuesday," say, "I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday."
5. Be specific. Instead of, "Put a rush on the Microsoft project," say, "I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe's desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning."
6. Use body language to emphasize your words. "Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning," is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.
7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.
8. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: "I was here first," "I'd like more coffee, please," "Excuse me, but I have another appointment," "Please turn down the radio," or "This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare."
9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don't know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.
10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.
12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, "Thank you."
13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.
14. Don't get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person's behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: "Please don't talk to me that way," rather than, "What kind of jerk are you?"
15. Use "I" statements when commenting on another's behavior. For example: "When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed."
16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.")
17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.
18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don't leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don't learn new skills overnight.
19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.
20. Don't put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.
12 RULES FOR CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION
Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns may be destructive, but, sadly, plenty of people fall into the trap of indulging in them. If you and your relationship partners follow these rules and steer clear of the traps of destructive communication, you will almost certainly feel better about each other and your relationship.
1. Use I-messages instead of You-messages. You-messages sound blaming and accusing. With an I-message, you can convey the same message without sounding blaming. For example:
You-message: “You left the dishes in the sink again.”
I-message: “When you don’t clean up after yourself, I feel taken advantage of.”
2. Communicate the entire message. According to McKay et al. in their excellent book Couple Skills (see Suggested Reading), complete messages include four components:
Observations: neutral statements of fact
Thoughts: your own opinions and beliefs
Feelings: descriptions of your emotions
Needs: a statement of what you need or want from the other person
Here is an example of a complete message: “The weekend is coming up. I hope we can go to the movies together. I would like to spend some time with you.”
An incomplete message leaves out one or more of these components. It might sound like this: “I hope we can go to the movies this weekend.” There isn’t really anything wrong with this statement, but the first one is more complete and will more likely result in the speaker getting what he or she wants.
3. Don’t use your feelings as weapons. Just describe what you are feeling as objectively as possible, not aggressively. Be as specific as possible and keep your voice under control. For example:
Objective: “I felt really hurt when you said that I probably wouldn’t pass the bar the first time.”
Aggressive: (yelling) “You are such an idiot! How dare you insult me like that!”
4. Use specific language. When you have a complaint, be specific. For example, “I’m upset that you left the food out on the table” is clearer than saying, “Thanks for the mess you left me.” The first statement is less likely to produce defensiveness and leaves little room for misunderstanding.
5. Focus on the problem, not the person. Consider how different these two statements sound:
“You are such a complete slob.”
“I wish you would take your stuff upstairs.”
Attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—is different from simply expressing a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action. Criticism is more blaming and more global. It sounds like this: “You always screw the budget up. Can’t you do anything right?”
Behavior like this is damaging to a relationship because:
• Criticism is destructive rather than constructive.
• It involves blame.
• Criticisms are global and tend to be generalizations (you always, you never, etc.).
• Criticisms attack the other person personally.
• It feels overwhelming to be on the receiving end.
6. Stop bringing up ancient history. It’s more constructive to focus on the issue at hand, not bring up past hurts. When you are upset with your partner and add past issues to the discussion, it can only escalate the conflict. It feels unfair and can never be productive. If you still have feelings about past issues, it is important to resolve them and move on, not use them as weapons every time you have a disagreement with your partner.
7. Watch out for mixed messages. Keep your statements clean, avoiding the temptation to mix compliments and complaints. For example, let’s say that you meet your friend at a cocktail party. You think she looks nice, but her dress seems a little too provocative.
Straight message: “You look very nice tonight.”
Mixed message: “You look so pretty. I would never have the nerve to wear that.”
8. Pay attention to your body language. Your words are only part of the message you communicate. If you say “How nice to see you” while frowning, your message becomes unclear. Think about what message you want to convey and be sure that your body is in harmony with it. Watch out for things like these:
• Rolling your eyes
• Crossing your legs and arms
• Tapping your foot
• Clenching your teeth
9. Pay attention to your emotions and keep from becoming overwhelmed. If you are calm, you are less likely to say things you’ll later regret, things that could be destructive to your relationship. You will be less likely to become defensive and shut your partner out. Examples of ways to calm yourself and keep from getting carried away with emotion include the following:
• Pay attention to your physical responses. Is your heart racing? Are you breathing faster? If you are, take a time-out.
• Leave the room. Go for a drive. Do something relaxing. Listen to music or do relaxation exercises.
• Make a conscious effort to calm yourself down. Say things to yourself like:
“I’m very upset right now, but it’ll be okay. I still love her.”
“Even though we disagree, we still have a good relationship.”
“We can work this out. We’re partners.”
10. Resolve negative feelings. If you have bad feelings about your partner, take steps to resolve them. Don’t let them grow into feelings of contempt. When you engage in behavior (verbal or nonverbal) that conveys a lack of respect, you are placing your relationship in serious danger. This includes obvious abuse, and also insults, making faces, and name-calling. Any relationship that is plagued by abusiveness and negativity will have a very difficult time surviving.
11. Don’t be defensive. It is understandable to react defensively when you are in a conflict situation, but it can be dangerous to a relationship. Defensiveness tends to escalate the conflict and does nothing to resolve it. Some examples of defensive behavior include:
• Denying responsibility (I did not!)
• Making excuses (I couldn’t help it; traffic was awful)
• Ignoring what your partner says and throwing a complaint back (Yeah, well, what about the mess you left yesterday?)
• Saying Yes, but…
• Whining
• Rolling your eyes or making a face
12. Don’t shut down. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last , author John Gottman describes the dangers of shutting out the other person. He calls this behavior stonewalling and says that it means refusing to communicate, storming out of the room, or any kind of withdrawing. When a person is stonewalling, communication is impossible because he or she is refusing to participate. When it becomes a regular pattern of communication, stonewalling is very damaging to a relationship.
Managing Perfectionism
Perfectionists aspire to be top achievers and do not allow themselves to make even a single mistake. They are always on the alert for imperfections and weaknesses in themselves and others. They tend to be rigid thinkers who are on the lookout for deviations from the rules or the norm.
Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. People who pursue excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure in working to meet high standards. Perfectionists are motivated by self-doubt and fears of disapproval, ridicule, and rejection. The high producer has drive, while the perfectionist is driven.
Causes and Characteristics
Fear of failure and rejection. The perfectionist believes that she will be rejected or fail if she is not always perfect, so she becomes paralyzed and unable to produce or perform at all.
Fear of success. The perfectionist believes that if he is successful in what he undertakes, he will have to keep it up. This becomes a heavy burden-who wants to operate at such a high level all of the time?
Low self-esteem. A perfectionist's needs for love and approval tend to blind her to the needs and wishes of others. This makes it difficult or impossible to have healthy relationships with others.
Black-and-white thinking. Perfectionists see most experiences as either good or bad, perfect or imperfect. There is nothing in between. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists believe if it can't be done perfectly, it's not worth doing.
Extreme determination. Perfectionists are determined to overcome all obstacles to achieving success. This is also true of high achievers, but the perfectionist focuses only on the result of his efforts. He is unable to enjoy the process of producing the achievement. His relentless pursuit of the goal becomes his downfall because it often results in overwhelming anxiety, sabotaging his heroic efforts.
The Costs of Being a Perfectionist
Perfectionism always costs more than the benefits it might provide. It can result in being paralyzed with fear and becoming so rigid that a person is difficult to relate to. It can produce contradictory styles, from being highly productive to being completely nonproductive. Some examples of these costs include the following:
Low self-esteem. Just as low self-esteem is a cause of perfectionist behavior, it is also a result. Because a perfectionist never feels good enough about himself or his personal performance, he usually feels like a loser or a failure.
Gloominess. Since a perfectionist is convinced that it will be next to impossible to achieve most goals, she can easily develop a negative attitude.
Depression. Perfectionists often feel discouraged and depressed because they are driven to be perfect but know that it is impossible to reach the ideal.
Guilt. Perfectionists never think they handle things well. They often feel a sense of shame and guilt as a result.
Rigidity. Since perfectionists need to have everything meet an ideal, they tend to become inflexible and lack spontaneity.
Lack of motivation. A person who expects perfection may never try new behaviors or learn new skills because she thinks that she will never be able to do it well enough. At other times, she may begin the new behavior but give up early because she fears that she will never reach her goal.
Paralysis. Since most perfectionists have an intense fear of failure, they sometimes become immobilized and stagnant. Writers who suffer from writer's block are examples of the perfectionist's paralysis.
Obsessive behavior. When a person needs a certain order or structure in his life, he may become overly focused on details and rules.
Compulsive behavior. A perfectionist who feels like a failure or loser may medicate him- or herself with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, sex, gambling, or other high-risk behaviors.
Eating disorders. Many studies have determined that perfectionism is a central issue for people who develop eating disorders.
The Perfectionist versus
The High Achiever
People produce many of their best achievements when they are striving to do their best. High achievers, like perfectionists, want to be better people and achieve great things. Unlike perfectionists, high achievers accept that making mistakes and risking failure are part of the achievement process-and part of being human.
Emotionally Healthy High Producers
You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist. People who accomplish plenty and stay emotionally healthy tend to exhibit the following behaviors:
· Set standards that are high but achievable.
· Enjoy the process, not just the outcome.
· Recover from disappointment quickly.
· Are not disabled by anxiety and fear of failure.
· View mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning.
· React positively to constructive feedback.
Once you are aware of the ways by which you expect yourself to be perfect, you can start to change your behavior. In my next newsletter, I'll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these perfectionist behaviors as you observe them.
Build People Skills
Build Your People Skills
How would you like to get along even better with others in your personal relationships and in the workplace? Getting along well with people sounds kind of general and is difficult to do much about, so let's break it down into some manageable and specific skills. By building the following skills, you will get along well with others:
1. Build others' self-esteem.
2. Show empathy for others.
3. Encourage people to cooperate with each other.
4. Communicate assertively.
5. Ask productive questions and demonstrate listening skills.
6. Respond productively to emotional statements.
People skills (which are also known as emotional intelligence) can be thought of as six specific skills. Let's take a brief look at each one.
1. Build others' self-esteem. When you are in a situation where you are made to feel good about yourself, you feel good. You can do the same with others by doing the following kinds of things:
a. Make eye contact with others.
b. Call others by their names.
c. Ask others their opinions.
d. Compliment others' work.
e. Tell people how much you appreciate them.
f. Write notes of thanks when someone does something worthwhile.
g. Make people feel welcome when they come to your home or workplace.
h. Pay attention to what is going on in people's lives. Acknowledge milestones and express concern about difficult life situations such as illness, deaths, and accidents.
i. Introduce your family members to acquaintances when you meet them in public.
j. Encourage your loved ones to explore their talents and interests.
k. Share people's excitement when they accomplish something.
l. Honor people's needs and wants.
m. Take responsibility for your choices and actions, and expect others to do the same.
n. Take responsibility for the quality of your communications.
2. Show empathy for others. Empathy means recognizing emotions in others. It is the capacity to put yourself in another person's shoes and understand how they view their reality and how they feel about things.
Being aware of our emotions and how they affect our actions is a fundamental ability in today's people-intense workplaces. People who are cut off from their emotions are unable to connect with people. It's like they are emotionally tone-deaf.
No one wants to work with such people because they have no idea how they affect others. You have probably met a few people who fit this description.
3. Encourage people to cooperate with each other. Whether you are managing a family or a work group, there are some specific things you can do to create an environment where others work together well:
a. Don't play favorites. Treat everyone the same. Otherwise, some people will not trust you.
b. Don't talk about people behind their backs.
c. Ask for others' ideas. Participation increases commitment.
d. Follow up on suggestions, requests, and comments, even if you are unable to carry out a request.
e. Check for understanding when you make a statement or announcement. Don't assume everyone is with you.
f. Make sure people have clear instructions for tasks to be completed. Ask people to describe what they plan to do.
g. Reinforce cooperative behavior. Don't take it for granted.
4. Communicate assertively. Assertive communication is a constructive way of expressing feelings and opinions. People are not born assertive; their behavior is a combination of learned skills. Assertive behavior enables you to:
a. Act in your own best interests.
b. Stand up for yourself without becoming anxious.
c. Express your honest feelings.
d. Assert your personal rights without denying the rights of others.
Assertive behavior is different from passive or aggressive behavior in that it is:
a. Self-expressive
b. Honest
c. Direct
d. Self-enhancing
e. Constructive, not destructive
Assertive behavior includes both what you say and how you say it.
5. Ask productive questions and demonstrate listening skills. Listening skills help you show that you are hearing and understanding another person and are interested in what he or she has to say.
6. Respond productively to emotional statements. A communication skill called active listening is especially useful in emotional situations because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said. It's a check of whether your understanding is correct. This demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned.
Active listening responses have two components:
a. Naming the feeling that the other person is conveying
b. Stating the reason for the feeling
Here are some examples of active listening statements:
"Sounds like you're upset about what happened at work."
"You're annoyed by my lateness, aren't you?"
"You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem."
"It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe's paperwork."
"Sounds like you're really worried about Wendy."
"I get the feeling you're awfully busy right now."
Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another's point of view.
The ability to get along well with people in your personal relationships and in the workplace is a set of learned skills. No one is born knowing how to build others' self-esteem, show empathy, encourage cooperation, communicate assertively, ask productive questions, or respond productively to emotional statements. These skills can be learned and developed with some practice. By taking the time to develop these skills, you will be able to build better relationships at home and at work.
Journaling For Self Discovery
33 Ways to Use Your Journal for Self-Discovery and Self-Expression
As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they explore their feelings and thoughts by keeping a journal. Sometimes clients ask for a bit of direction with this process. Here are some journaling ideas if you're not sure where to start:
1. Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.
2. Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.
3. Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.
4. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, all the small things, and everything in between that you can think of.
5. Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing your appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.
6. Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can't think of any more. Then choose the top five.
7. For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.
8. Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.
9. Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.
10. Describe how your life would be different if had or had not happened.
Here are some examples:
a. If your parents had divorced
b. If your parents had remained married
c. If your parents had been married
d. If your mother hadn't passed away
e. If you hadn't moved to
f. If you had gone to college
g. If you hadn't gone to college
h. If you had gone to College
i. If you had never met
j. If you hadn't broken up with
11. Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.
12. Make a list of the things no one knows about you.
13. Write about your junior year in high school.
14. Write about what life was like before you became a parent.
15. Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.
16. Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.
17. Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.
18. Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.
19. Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.
20. Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:
a. What your life is like now
b. What you have learned since you were 10
c. What you want him or her to know
d. What you want him or her to beware of
e. What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of
21. Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.
22. Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn't appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.
23. Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.
24. Think of someone who never acknowledged you for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.
25. Make a list of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.
26. For each of the five miracles, make a list of:
a. Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening
b. Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening
c. Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences
27. Write about the five things you most like to do.
28. Write about the five things you most dislike doing.
29. Make a list of five places you'd like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.
30. Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.
31. Write a letter to your children, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.
32. Write a letter to your grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.
33. Write a letter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.
34. Add your own ideas here:
TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE
It is important to have goals because they are good for your physical and mental health. You can have goals for all areas of your life. Here are a few ideas:
Career Learning
Clubs Money
Community Politics
Contribution Professional
Emotional Reading
Family Relationships
Health Service
Home Spiritual
Interests Travel
What Makes an Effective Goal?
Not all goals are motivating. If a goal is too vague, hard to measure, or impossible to achieve, it will lack effectiveness and ultimately be a wasted exercise. Goal statements should be:
• Stated with action verbs
• Specific
• Measurable
• Challenging
• Written down, with completion dates
Effective goals have all five ingredients.
The 80/20 Rule
The 80/20 Rule (also known as Pareto’s Principle) says that 20% of what we do produces 80% of the results. Here are a few examples:
• 20% of the area in your house requires 80% of the cleaning.
• 20% of the stocks in an investor’s portfolio produce 80% of the results.
• 20% of the kids in a class cause 80% of the problems.
• 20% of the books in a bookstore account for 80% of the sales.
You can probably think of a few examples of your own. Note them here:
It’s important to remind yourself not to get bogged down on low-value activities, but to stay focused on the high-value 20%.
High-Payoff Planning
High-payoff (HIPO) time is the 20% that produces the desired results. Low-payoff (LOPO) time is the 80% that produces only 20% of the results. The challenge is to find the HIPO tasks and work on those first.
The HIPO strategies:
• Setting a deadline increases the chances that you will accomplish a task.
• Setting a specific time to do something increases the chances that you will accomplish it.
• Divide and conquer: Break a task into smaller pieces and it becomes easier to complete.
• Motivate yourself by listing the benefits of completing a task.
• Motivate yourself in another way by rewarding yourself for completing a task.
The LOPO strategies:
• Don’t do it at all.
• Do it later.
• Do it with minimum time investment or at a lower standard.
Think of your own life. Can you identify five high-payoff and five low-payoff targets and the activities that contribute directly to each?
Identifying and writing down these items increases the chances that they will be accomplished.
Force Field Analysis
For every goal that you set, there are conditions (forces) that encourage its completion. There are also conditions that discourage its completion.
The Force Field Analysis process helps you identify two kinds of forces: (1) the forces that are pushing with you as you work toward your goal (encouraging forces), and (2) the forces that are pushing against you (discouraging forces).
The process of force field analysis (developed by scientist Kurt Lewin) is based on a law of physics that says that when two equal but opposite forces push against one another, there is no movement.
Why is this important to a person working toward a goal? Because a similar dynamic can prevent you from achieving your goal.
The idea here is to avoid paralysis and encourage momentum by increasing positive (encouraging) forces and decreasing negative (discouraging) forces. For example:
Goal: Run in a marathon in 2002.
Discouraging forces:
• I haven’t exercised regularly for the past five years.
• I tend to start projects and then get bored quickly.
• I live in the Midwest and weather can be a problem.
Encouraging forces:
• I am in good health.
• My neighbor is a runner and has encouraged me to take up the sport.
• My family thinks this is a good idea.
After identifying as many encouraging as discouraging forces, you can map a strategy to build on your strengths-the forces in your favor-and reduce the barriers.
I encourage you to choose a goal of your own and make a list of the encouraging and discouraging forces. This will help you develop an action plan and increase your chances of success.
Your Action Plan
Once you have identified the forces that both favor and discourage the achievement of your goal, it’s time to make an action plan. Here is an example:
Force: I haven’t exercised regularly for the past five years.
Actions I can take:
1. Start slowly.
2. Map out a plan where I start with a 20-minute walk this Saturday morning.
3. Buy a running magazine.
4. Visit a few running web sites.
5. Straighten up the room where my exercise bike has been serving as a clothes rack. Clear away the junk and move a TV in to encourage me to use the bike every other morning.
Who can help me:
1. My neighbor, the runner.
2. My family members will encourage me. I well tell them that I need this.
3. The woman in the next cubicle started an exercise program last year.
Now it’s your turn. Just fill in the blanks.
Force:
Actions I can take:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Who can help me:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Life Balance
Photo by styf22/iStock / Getty Images
It is important to balance aspects of life by taking one step at a time. One of the most important things to remember is to set aside specific times to accomplish tasks. Getting more organized, setting specific times for doing tasks, and achieving a schedule will help individuals attain diminutive tasks throughout every day duties. Learning time management skills is definitely a way to help one accomplish goals.
Many people who claim to be victims of psychological or physiological effects of stress may have been able to deal more efficiently with the stressors by using different coping skills. Because we can not always change and manipulate stress nor our external realities, sometimes changing one’s outlook on life greatly affects the way an individual deals with and views stressors. For example, an individual who has a positive outlook, is physically fit, and in touch with many of the dimensions of her being may be able to make a connection by really listening to her body and focusing what her body may be trying to telling her. It is important that people know the avenues to use while dealing with and preventing stress. Massage therapy, accupuncture, yoga, and meditation may be a few ways to help individuals make the connection to life balance . I’ve learned that I really hold tension in my shoulders. So, when I am stressed out I try and work on releasing the tension in this area of my body. Deep relaxation may be another way to manage stress. I have actually written a few of my own meditations to practice.
The basic difference between constructive and destructive reactions to stress is that destructive reactions are maladaptive and constructive reactions are usually more effective.
Examples of destructive reactions are:
1. Defensive Behavior, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling
2. Using Drugs and Alcohol
3. Burnout
Examples of constructive reactions are:
1. Changing Self Defeating Thoughts and Messages
2. Acquiring A Sense of Humor
3. Utilizing Tips for Managing Stress