When One of You Grows and the Other Doesn’t

How to Navigate Change in a Relationship Without Growing Apart

Growth is beautiful—and sometimes scary.
In every long-term relationship, change is inevitable. Maybe one of you starts therapy, shifts careers, deepens your spirituality, or begins setting long-overdue boundaries. Meanwhile, the other partner may feel confused, overwhelmed, or left behind.

Suddenly, what once felt steady begins to wobble.
Disconnection creeps in. Conversations feel harder. The intimacy feels less certain.

So what happens when one partner is growing and the other isn’t?

The Truth About Growing Together

Popular advice says couples should grow together. But in reality, personal growth rarely unfolds at the same pace. One partner may be in a season of healing, discovery, or expansion—while the other is focused on stability, survival, or simply staying afloat.

And that’s not a failure.
It’s part of the natural ebb and flow of long-term relationships.

Tension arises when:

• Growth is judged as “selfish” or “too much”

• Change is misunderstood as “leaving the other behind”

• One partner feels abandoned while the other feels stifled

Navigating these moments with honesty, mutual respect, and curiosity is the key to staying connected.

Deconstructing the “Outgrowing” Narrative

One of the most painful thoughts partners have is:

“I think I’m outgrowing them.”

While this might feel true, Narrative Therapy invites us to examine the story more closely.

Instead of making the relationship a binary of grow-or-go, ask:

• What’s actually changing in me?

• What am I afraid this change will mean for us?

• Is there a way to include my partner in my growth instead of pushing them away?

Often, it’s not about outgrowing each other—it’s about growing differently. And different doesn’t have to mean divided.

The Unconscious Pull Toward Growth

In Imago Relationship Therapy, partners are seen as mirrors and catalysts for one another’s healing. The things that frustrate us in our partner often reflect the very areas we’re being called to grow.

Ask yourself:

• What is my partner’s growth awakening in me?

• Am I resisting this change because it feels unfamiliar—or threatening?

• What unfinished emotional work might be surfacing for me?

Instead of reacting in fear, we can respond with compassion. One person’s growth can be an invitation—not a rejection.

Normalize the Discomfort

It’s common to feel:

• Insecure: “They don’t need me anymore.”

• Judged: “They think they’re better than me.”

• Abandoned: “They’re moving forward without me.”

Instead of suppressing or acting out these fears, name them:

“I support you, but I feel scared too.”
“I’m happy for you, and I’m also trying to understand what this means for us.”

Naming vulnerability builds intimacy. It turns defensiveness into dialogue.

What’s Working? What’s Possible?

Instead of fixating on the changes, solution-oriented therapy invites us to ask:

• What still feels good between us?

• Are we still laughing, supporting, showing up?

• Are we both still committed—even if we express it differently?

Then explore the possibilities:

• Can we learn about each other’s evolving interests?

• Can we make space for individuality and shared connection?

• Can this change actually bring us closer?

How to Create a Growth-Friendly Relationship Culture

Whether you're the one growing or the one adjusting, here are a few principles that help:

1. Ask Instead of Assume

Instead of guessing what your partner thinks, feels, or wants—ask. Be curious, not critical.

2. Celebrate, Don’t Compete

Your partner’s growth isn’t a threat. It’s not a race. Cheer each other on.

3. Update Your Shared Vision

Your goals as a couple may need a refresh. Check in regularly:

“What are we working toward now, together?”

When You're the One Who's Growing

You may feel proud of your progress—and also guilty or lonely.
Invite your partner into the why behind your change. Let them see the fears, hopes, and values underneath it. This helps them feel included, not replaced.

When You’re Feeling Left Behind

It’s easy to feel defensive or shut down. But try to stay emotionally open.
Ask yourself:

• What is this bringing up in me?

• What might I be afraid of losing?

• Is there something I want to explore in my own life?

You don’t have to “catch up.” You just have to stay connected.

Growth Can Strengthen Love—If You Let It

Growth doesn’t have to pull you apart.
In fact, it might be the very thing that deepens your connection.

That might look like:

• One partner exploring spirituality while the other offers support

• One going to therapy while the other reads books to understand better

• Weekly check-ins about what you’re each learning individually and together

The goal isn’t identical evolution—it’s mutual respect and emotional presence.

When to Seek Help

Couples therapy can help if:

• Conversations about change keep turning into conflict

• You feel threatened or resentful about your partner’s growth

• You’re unsure how to stay connected through this shift

• You want to grow together—but feel stuck or scared

Therapy offers a safe space to explore your fears, realign your values, and strengthen your bond.

Growing Together, Differently

Change can feel risky.
It can stir up old wounds, fears, and insecurities. But it can also be the thing that renews your relationship.

You’re allowed to change.
Your partner is allowed to change.
And your relationship can evolve to hold both truths—if you keep showing up with empathy, honesty, and curiosity.

🌀 Interested in navigating change more intentionally in your relationship?
At South Tampa Therapy, we specialize in Gottman Method, EFT, and Narrative Therapy approaches to help couples reconnect, communicate, and grow—together or individually.

📍 In-person & virtual couples therapy available statewide across Florida
💬 Book a session

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Nichole

MANAGING STRESS IN YOUR LIFE & RELATIONSHIPS

Photo by RapidEye/iStock / Getty Images

Learn to Have Healthy Relationships

This subject could fill an entire book. In the limited space of this newsletter, let’s look at the key components of this stress-reducing strategy.

1.    Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.

2.    Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what needs to happen to resolve it. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.

3.    Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. Identify the skills you need to develop, and make a plan for yourself. You can learn these skills by reading books, taking classes, or working with a therapist.

4.    Avoid toxic people and situations. Some people have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Look for opportunities to decline their invitations. When these people are family members, remind yourself that you don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. In work situations, look for ways to rearrange your schedule or your workspace to avoid interacting with such people.

5.    Seek out positive people and situations. This step is the reverse of the previous step. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Think about people who make you feel good about yourself and look for ways to increase time with them.

6.    Watch what you eat. Some substances amplify the stress response. These include:

·    Caffeine stimulates the release of stress hormones. This increases heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen to the heart. Ongoing exposure to caffeine can harm the tissue of the heart.

·    Refined sugar and processed flour are depleted of needed vitamins. In times of stress, certain vitamins help the body maintain the nervous and endocrine systems.

·    Too much salt can lead to excessive fluid retention. This can lead to nervous tension and higher blood pressure. Stress often adds to the problem by causing increased blood pressure.

·    Smoking not only causes disease and shortens life, it leads to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration.

·    Alcohol robs the body of nutrition that it might otherwise use for cell growth and repair. It also harms the liver and adds empty calories to the body.

During times of high stress, eat more complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, whole breads, cereals, and beans).

7.    Get moving. The human body was designed to be physically active. However, in most jobs today, people are sitting down most of the time. They hardly move at all except when it is time for coffee break or lunch. When faced with stressors, we respond with our minds, not our bodies. It is no wonder that many of us have a difficult time responding to stressful events.

Exercise is one of the simplest and most effective ways to respond to stress. Activity provides a natural release for the body during its fight-or-flight state of arousal. After exercising, the body returns to its normal state of equilibrium, and one feels relaxed and refreshed.

8.    Look for ways to let go of tension and anxiety. Meditation, hypnosis, and progressive relaxation are valuable ways to regenerate and refresh yourself. You can purchase meditation and relaxation audiotapes or record your own. This is especially important because your health and long life depend on minimizing stress and achieving a sense of balance and well-being.

101 Affirmations and Positive Suggestions: A Workbook Utilizing The Power of Journaling and Self-Hypnosis
by Dr. Elizabeth A Mahaney
Link: http://a.co/0SzD9hN

or

https://www.createspace.com/3402297