When One of You Grows and the Other Doesn’t

How to Navigate Change in a Relationship Without Growing Apart

Growth is beautiful—and sometimes scary.
In every long-term relationship, change is inevitable. Maybe one of you starts therapy, shifts careers, deepens your spirituality, or begins setting long-overdue boundaries. Meanwhile, the other partner may feel confused, overwhelmed, or left behind.

Suddenly, what once felt steady begins to wobble.
Disconnection creeps in. Conversations feel harder. The intimacy feels less certain.

So what happens when one partner is growing and the other isn’t?

The Truth About Growing Together

Popular advice says couples should grow together. But in reality, personal growth rarely unfolds at the same pace. One partner may be in a season of healing, discovery, or expansion—while the other is focused on stability, survival, or simply staying afloat.

And that’s not a failure.
It’s part of the natural ebb and flow of long-term relationships.

Tension arises when:

• Growth is judged as “selfish” or “too much”

• Change is misunderstood as “leaving the other behind”

• One partner feels abandoned while the other feels stifled

Navigating these moments with honesty, mutual respect, and curiosity is the key to staying connected.

Deconstructing the “Outgrowing” Narrative

One of the most painful thoughts partners have is:

“I think I’m outgrowing them.”

While this might feel true, Narrative Therapy invites us to examine the story more closely.

Instead of making the relationship a binary of grow-or-go, ask:

• What’s actually changing in me?

• What am I afraid this change will mean for us?

• Is there a way to include my partner in my growth instead of pushing them away?

Often, it’s not about outgrowing each other—it’s about growing differently. And different doesn’t have to mean divided.

The Unconscious Pull Toward Growth

In Imago Relationship Therapy, partners are seen as mirrors and catalysts for one another’s healing. The things that frustrate us in our partner often reflect the very areas we’re being called to grow.

Ask yourself:

• What is my partner’s growth awakening in me?

• Am I resisting this change because it feels unfamiliar—or threatening?

• What unfinished emotional work might be surfacing for me?

Instead of reacting in fear, we can respond with compassion. One person’s growth can be an invitation—not a rejection.

Normalize the Discomfort

It’s common to feel:

• Insecure: “They don’t need me anymore.”

• Judged: “They think they’re better than me.”

• Abandoned: “They’re moving forward without me.”

Instead of suppressing or acting out these fears, name them:

“I support you, but I feel scared too.”
“I’m happy for you, and I’m also trying to understand what this means for us.”

Naming vulnerability builds intimacy. It turns defensiveness into dialogue.

What’s Working? What’s Possible?

Instead of fixating on the changes, solution-oriented therapy invites us to ask:

• What still feels good between us?

• Are we still laughing, supporting, showing up?

• Are we both still committed—even if we express it differently?

Then explore the possibilities:

• Can we learn about each other’s evolving interests?

• Can we make space for individuality and shared connection?

• Can this change actually bring us closer?

How to Create a Growth-Friendly Relationship Culture

Whether you're the one growing or the one adjusting, here are a few principles that help:

1. Ask Instead of Assume

Instead of guessing what your partner thinks, feels, or wants—ask. Be curious, not critical.

2. Celebrate, Don’t Compete

Your partner’s growth isn’t a threat. It’s not a race. Cheer each other on.

3. Update Your Shared Vision

Your goals as a couple may need a refresh. Check in regularly:

“What are we working toward now, together?”

When You're the One Who's Growing

You may feel proud of your progress—and also guilty or lonely.
Invite your partner into the why behind your change. Let them see the fears, hopes, and values underneath it. This helps them feel included, not replaced.

When You’re Feeling Left Behind

It’s easy to feel defensive or shut down. But try to stay emotionally open.
Ask yourself:

• What is this bringing up in me?

• What might I be afraid of losing?

• Is there something I want to explore in my own life?

You don’t have to “catch up.” You just have to stay connected.

Growth Can Strengthen Love—If You Let It

Growth doesn’t have to pull you apart.
In fact, it might be the very thing that deepens your connection.

That might look like:

• One partner exploring spirituality while the other offers support

• One going to therapy while the other reads books to understand better

• Weekly check-ins about what you’re each learning individually and together

The goal isn’t identical evolution—it’s mutual respect and emotional presence.

When to Seek Help

Couples therapy can help if:

• Conversations about change keep turning into conflict

• You feel threatened or resentful about your partner’s growth

• You’re unsure how to stay connected through this shift

• You want to grow together—but feel stuck or scared

Therapy offers a safe space to explore your fears, realign your values, and strengthen your bond.

Growing Together, Differently

Change can feel risky.
It can stir up old wounds, fears, and insecurities. But it can also be the thing that renews your relationship.

You’re allowed to change.
Your partner is allowed to change.
And your relationship can evolve to hold both truths—if you keep showing up with empathy, honesty, and curiosity.

🌀 Interested in navigating change more intentionally in your relationship?
At South Tampa Therapy, we specialize in Gottman Method, EFT, and Narrative Therapy approaches to help couples reconnect, communicate, and grow—together or individually.

📍 In-person & virtual couples therapy available statewide across Florida
💬 Book a session

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Nichole

The Simple Formula That Keeps Couples Happy

By Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, South Tampa Therapy Owner, Counselor & Supervisor

What’s the secret to a happy and lasting relationship? Some psychologists believe it boils down to a simple yet powerful formula: the 5:1 ratio. This concept, developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Robert Levenson of the renowned Gottman Institute, emphasizes the importance of balancing negativity with positivity in your relationship.

For every negative interaction—like criticism, defensiveness, or dismissiveness—there should be at least five positive interactions to maintain a healthy and happy connection.

The Research Behind the 5:1 Formula

In the 1970s, Dr. Gottman and Dr. Levenson began studying couples by observing how they handled disagreements. Through this research, they achieved a stunning 90% accuracy in predicting which couples would stay together and which would divorce. Their conclusion? Successful couples weren’t conflict-free, but they maintained more positive interactions than negative ones—even during arguments.

According to Dr. Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, anger itself isn’t necessarily destructive in a marriage. However, when anger is paired with criticism, contempt, or defensiveness, it can erode trust and connection. The antidote is intentional effort to repair and connect during conflicts, ensuring that positivity outweighs negativity.

How to Build More Positive Interactions

You don’t need grand gestures to boost the 5:1 ratio. Dr. Gottman outlines small but meaningful behaviors that couples can practice to strengthen their bond—even during disagreements. Here are a few ways to create more positivity in your relationship:

1. Show Interest

When your partner shares a complaint or concern, be genuinely curious about what’s upsetting them. Ask follow-up questions, show understanding through body language, and avoid dismissing their feelings. This simple act of listening makes your partner feel heard and valued.

2. Express Affection

In the middle of a heated discussion, a kind word, a reassuring touch, or verbal affirmation can go a long way. These small acts of affection can lower stress and remind your partner that you’re on the same team.

3. Make Small, Meaningful Gestures

Simple, consistent gestures—like a compliment, an unexpected hug, or a thoughtful text—act as “buffers” during moments of tension. These signals of care build a positive emotional bank that helps sustain your relationship through tough times.

4. Focus on Common Ground

Even during an argument, emphasize the points you agree on. This shared understanding can create momentum toward resolving the issue and helps both partners feel aligned.

5. Empathize and Apologize

Empathy is one of the deepest forms of connection. Acknowledging your partner’s feelings—even if you don’t fully agree—can diffuse tension. If you’ve hurt your partner, offer a sincere apology. Repairing emotional wounds is key to rebuilding trust.

6. Accept Their Perspective

You don’t have to agree with your partner to respect their viewpoint. Validation shows that you value their thoughts and experiences, even if they differ from yours.

7. Share a Joke or Playful Moment

Humor can be a powerful tool for diffusing conflict. Sharing a lighthearted joke or playful moment can break tension and remind you both of the joy in your connection.

Why the 5:1 Formula Works

The beauty of the 5:1 formula lies in its simplicity. When couples focus on consistent, small acts of connection, they build a reservoir of goodwill and emotional safety. This makes it easier to navigate conflicts and maintain closeness over time.

Remember, no relationship is perfect, and disagreements are inevitable. What sets happy couples apart is their ability to repair and reconnect—turning moments of tension into opportunities for deeper intimacy.

Strengthen Your Relationship Today

At South Tampa Counselor, we specialize in helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re working through conflict, rebuilding trust, or simply looking to deepen your connection, our evidence-based approaches, including the Gottman Method and Emotion-Focused Therapy, can provide the tools you need.

If you’re ready to create more positive interactions and nurture your relationship, contact us today to schedule a session.

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️‍🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩‍❤️‍👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com

SouthTampaTherapy@gmail.com

Facing the Flames: Unmasking Avoidant Defensive Strategies to Reconnect with Our Emotions and Transform Our Lives

Many of us grew up in environments without being taught to connect with our emotions. Our primary caregivers—our attachment figures—may have been inconsistent in providing the emotional support we needed. As a result, we learned to disconnect from our emotions, making it challenging to recognize and express our needs. This disconnection often lead to developing certain attachment styles, particularly dismissive or avoidant attachment styles.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and further expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that how we form bonds with our caregivers in childhood influences how we relate to others as adults. Individuals with a dismissive attachment style often downplay the importance of emotional connections and maintain high independence. They tend to avoid intimacy and may suppress their emotions, leading to an outward appearance of self-sufficiency, but inwardly, they may struggle with loneliness. On the other hand, those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganized attachment, experience a combination of fear and avoidance in relationships. These individuals desire close connections but simultaneously push them away, often due to a deep-seated fear of rejection or hurt.

When emotions arise, those of us with these attachment styles often lack the tools to process them effectively. Instead, we dismiss or avoid these feelings, which profoundly impact our relationships. The strategies we use to avoid our emotions are varied and often subtle. These defensive strategies serve to protect us from the discomfort of facing our feelings directly. Common strategies include rationalizing, where we explain away emotional experiences with logical reasoning, thereby avoiding the need to engage with the underlying feelings, and intellectualizing, where we approach our emotions with a detached, analytical mindset, treating them as abstract concepts rather than lived experiences. Another strategy, spiritual bypassing, involves using spiritual beliefs or practices to avoid confronting painful emotions or unresolved psychological issues. This form of bypassing is something I encountered frequently during my spiritual training in the Zen tradition during the COVID years, as well as the mew-age spiritual communities.

There is a famous Zen anecdote that illustrates the extreme form of detachment that can arise from a deep understanding of Buddhist teachings. A Zen monk perceives a fire in his family home. Despite the urgency and danger, he remains calm and unmoved, reasoning that since everything in this world is a projection of the mind and ultimately an illusion (Maya), there is no need to be disturbed by the fire. This story is often used to illustrate an advanced understanding of Zen teachings, where one transcends the dualities of life—gain and loss, life and death, destruction and preservation. For me, it also serves as a point of reflection on the balance between spiritual realization and compassionate action in the world. No construct, spiritual or intellectual, will gives us the tools we need to connect with our feelings and needs, and therefore understand those of others. Any form of awakening or intellectual achievement demands both wisdom and compassionate engagement with the world.

Regardless of our spiritual traditions or understanding of reality, connecting with our emotions is crucial to our development as human beings. Through therapeutic work, we can begin to reorganize our attachment styles, empowering us to live more fulfilling lives with ourselves and those we relate to. Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment to explore these defense strategies and the underlying fears they mask. By bringing awareness to these patterns and taking responsibility for our growth, we can gradually dismantle them, allowing for a more authentic connection with our emotions and, consequently, deeper, more meaningful relationships.

The goal is not to ignore our emotions or bypass them, but to integrate them into our lived experience, embracing the full spectrum of what it means to be human. This integration is not just a process, but a valuable journey that enriches our understanding of ourselves and our relationships.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

By Ari Leal, Therapist

BOOK with Ari Leal here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AriLeal

Advice on Saving a Relationship on the Brink

In the intricate dance of relationships, even the strongest partnerships can sometimes find themselves on shaky ground. Whether it’s due to ongoing disagreements, growing apart, or external stresses, reaching the brink of a breakup can feel like standing at a precipice. Yet, it’s often at these critical junctures that the potential for profound growth and renewal exists. In this guide, we’ll explore practical advice and strategies for saving a relationship that seems dangerously close to ending. From improving communication to rekindling romance, and addressing underlying issues, these insights aim to empower couples to navigate their challenges and rediscover their bond. Whether you’re looking to heal old wounds or set a new course together, the journey to mend a faltering relationship starts with understanding, empathy, and a willingness to work collaboratively towards common goals.

1. Open and Honest Communication

- Importance of Communication: Clear and honest communication is crucial in understanding each other's feelings and perspectives. Avoiding assumptions and expressing feelings directly can prevent misunderstandings.

- Active Listening: Practice active listening by paying full attention to your partner, reflecting back what you hear, and showing empathy. This helps in validating each other's feelings and builds trust.

- Nonviolent Communication (NVC): Use NVC principles to express needs and feelings without blame or criticism. This involves stating observations, expressing feelings, identifying needs, and making requests.

2. Rebuilding Trust

- Acknowledge and Apologize: If trust has been broken, acknowledge the hurt caused and offer a sincere apology. This step is vital in starting the healing process.

- Consistent Actions: Rebuilding trust requires consistent actions over time. Follow through on promises and be reliable to show that you are committed to change.

3. Emotional Connection

- Quality Time Together: Spend quality time together to reconnect emotionally. Engage in activities that you both enjoy and create positive experiences.

- Emotional Intimacy: Share your inner thoughts and feelings with each other. Emotional intimacy can be deepened through meaningful conversations and mutual support.

4. Conflict Resolution

- Fair Fighting: Resolve conflicts using fair fighting techniques. Avoid personal attacks, stay focused on the issue at hand, and seek to understand each other's perspectives.

- Gottman’s Principles: Use Gottman’s principles for managing conflict, such as soft start-ups (beginning conversations gently), repairing attempts (efforts to de-escalate tension), and compromise.

5. Seek Professional Help

- Couples Therapy: Consider seeking help from a professional therapist who specializes in couples therapy. A therapist can provide tools and techniques to navigate difficult conversations and rebuild your relationship.

- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): EFT can help couples understand and change negative patterns in their relationship by focusing on emotions and attachment needs.

6. Self-Reflection and Personal Growth

- Individual Work: Reflect on your own behavior and contribution to the relationship's issues. Personal growth can significantly impact the dynamics of the relationship.

- Healthy Boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries that respect both partners' needs and individuality. This helps in creating a balanced and respectful relationship.

7. Commitment and Patience

- Commitment to Change: Both partners must be committed to working on the relationship and making necessary changes. This involves patience and perseverance.

- Small Steps: Focus on making small, consistent improvements rather than expecting immediate, dramatic changes. Celebrate progress and stay hopeful.

Additional Resources

- "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and Nan Silver

- "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson

- "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

By applying these strategies and being committed to improving your relationship, you can navigate through difficult times and rebuild a stronger, more resilient partnership.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

www.SouthTampaCounselor.com

SouthTampaTherapy@gmail.com