When Motivation Comes from Shame

Shame and fear can look like motivation. They might be what gets you out of bed in the morning or keeps you pushing when you are tired or overwhelmed. For a while, it can feel like they work.

From a psychodynamic perspective, this kind of drive usually has a history. Often there is a younger part of you that learned to stay safe by being hard on yourself. Maybe you believed you had to be exceptional to be loved. Or that mistakes meant you were a failure. That kind of pressure can feel normal when it is all you have ever known.

But living this way takes a toll.

Your Body Can Feel It

When shame is running the show, the nervous system stays on high alert. You might feel tension in your jaw or shoulders. Your stomach might hurt when you rest, or you may find yourself wired but exhausted. Over time, the stress becomes chronic and your body begins to carry the cost.

On the outside, you may look like you are functioning well. You may even be praised for your achievements. But if your inner world is filled with pressure, urgency, and self-criticism, you are likely suffering far more than others can see.

The Inner Critic Is Trying to Help

Psychodynamic theory views the inner critic as an adaptation. It usually formed in response to something painful or uncertain. It has a job. Most often, it tries to protect you from shame by using shame. And it may not realize there is another way.

That voice can sound convincing. It might feel like the truth. But just because it is loud does not mean it is wise. This is where therapy can help.

Curiosity Changes the Relationship

In therapy, the goal is not to argue with the critic or silence it. The goal is to understand it. Where did it come from? What is it trying to protect? How long has it been working so hard?

When you start to get curious about that part of yourself, something begins to shift. The urgency eases. The shame softens. You begin to realize you are not broken, behind, or bad. You are human. You adapted. You survived.

Motivation Can Come from Care

You can be kind to yourself and still be accountable. You can make changes without punishing yourself into them. When you relate to yourself differently, motivation shifts. It starts to come from something sturdier. Something that does not burn you out in the process.

You deserve that kind of relationship with yourself.

Thanks for reading.
My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor, practicing under supervision at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy rooted in insight, self-compassion, and a deep respect for your lived experience. If this kind of work speaks to you, you can book a session with me here.