Is Your Inner Child Running Your Relationship? How to Break the Cycle and Reconnect

By Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, South Tampa Therapy
www.southtampacounselor.com

Have you ever walked away from an argument with your partner and thought, “Why did I say that?” or “That’s not how I wanted to show up…”?

You’re not alone.

In the heat of the moment, many of us aren’t responding as our Wise Adult selves. Instead, we’re reacting from what I call the Adaptive Child — the part of us that learned how to survive conflict growing up. The problem? That part of you is completely out of their depth when it comes to navigating the complexities of adult relationships.

You might recognize yourself in one of these patterns:

→ The Fixer – You bend over backward to smooth things over, keep the peace, and “just get along.” Even if it costs you your voice.
→ The Fighter – You raise your voice, dig in deeper, and push harder to be heard. But what you really crave is understanding.
→ The Fleer – You shut down, go quiet, or check out altogether. If you don’t engage, you can’t get hurt… right?

These automatic reactions make perfect sense — they once protected you. But they won’t build a thriving, secure relationship today.

So, how do you shift?

That’s exactly what we’ll explore in our Initial Intake and Follow-up appointments. Book an INTENSIVE THERAPY SESSION to go even deeper and recover healing quicker. In this deeply supportive space, I’ll guide you through:

✔ Identifying your default conflict style — with compassion, not judgment.
✔ Learning how to shift from reactivity into repair — even in those “you just don’t get it” moments.
✔ Building skills to communicate with clarity and care, even when you're triggered.
✔ Practicing the art of reconnection — with your partner and with yourself.

The truth is: your relationship can change. But it won’t happen by hoping your partner magically “gets it,” or waiting for things to calm down on their own.

It happens when you learn how to respond — not react.

These aren’t just tools for couples… they’re healing practices for the parts of you that still carry pain. They help you speak your truth, set boundaries, and receive love without having to hustle for it.

Let’s do the work together.

With warmth and care,
Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney

The Five Basic Apologies (Gary Chapman)

Everyone has a PRIMARY Apology language.

If you don't express the apology in THEIR particular language, they will question your sincerity!

The key is to learn what apology means the person, and speak it when you seek to apologize.

Apology Language #1:

Expression of Regret

"I am so sorry" "I feel badly that I have hurt you."

Apology Language #2:

Accepting Responsibility

"I was wrong. I should not have done that." "There is no excuse for what I did."

(no "buts", that shifts the responsibility back on them.)

Apology Language

#3: Making Restitution

"What can I do to make this up to you? What can I do to make this right?" "I value this relationship."

 

Apology Language #4:

Repenting or Expressing Desire to Change Behavior

"I don't like what I did, I don't want to do that again. Let's talk so I can find a way to not do this again." "A plan for change."

 

Apology Language #5:

Requesting Forgiveness

"Will you forgive me?" "Please forgive me"

Rank order these choices for yourself and your partner by putting a number (1-5) beside each one. If you change your mind, don’t erase, but mark out and put the new number beside it. This is for self-discover and conversation. There are not wrong answers. After rating yourself and partner, have them do the same and then take and discover more about your past, your present, and how you would like to live your future.

Me_____________________ You____________________

#1: Expression of Regret                          #1: Expression of Regret

#2: Accepting Responsibility                   #2: Accepting Responsibility

#3: Making Restitution                             #3: Making Restitution

#4: Expressing Desire to Change              #4: Expressing Desire to Change

#5: Requesting Forgiveness                      #5: Physical Touching

Your primary apology language is the number one way you feel cared about when you feel hurt by your partner. This increases your willingness to let go and forgive. 

If it isn't, even if the others are done often, you will develop a sense of distance from them, and them from you, which will eventually create an underlying resentment toward them. This lowers your relationship sentiment toward each other.

The primary apology language for you and then your spouse, most greatly influences the level of positive sentiment you have toward each other when dealing with the inevitable hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and relationship conflict.