Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney ~ South Tampa Therapy: Revolutionizing Relationships Through Expertise and Compassion

When it comes to the delicate art of marriage therapy, finding the right professional can make a world of difference. In the heart of Tampa, couples have found solace and transformation in the capable hands of Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, an exceptional therapist renowned for her unparalleled expertise and empathetic approach. 

As the owner of South Tampa Therapy- A Boutique Private Practice and Team of Specialized Counselors, Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney trains and supervises each and every therapist on her team to provide and uphold the utmost care for all clients, couples, and families. 

A Multifaceted Approach

Dr. Mahaney stands out due to her holistic and adaptive methodologies, which encompass a spectrum of evidence-based therapeutic modalities. Her toolkit includes the highly respected Gottman Approach, a method known for its insights into relationship dynamics and conflict resolution. With Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), she delves into the emotional core, fostering deeper connections and understanding between partners.

Moreover, her adept use of Internal Family Systems (IFS) allows for a nuanced exploration of individual complexities within the context of relationships. Structural Family Therapy serves as another pillar, addressing family dynamics to untangle complex relational webs. Adding to this arsenal is Non-Violent Communication (NVC), a pivotal tool for facilitating healthy communication patterns in couples.

Tailored Solutions for Unique Needs

What truly sets Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney apart is her ability to tailor these methodologies based on the specific needs of each couple. She understands that no two relationships are alike, and as such, employs a bespoke approach, curating sessions that resonate with the intricacies of each partnership.

Testimonials Speak Volumes

The impact of Dr. Mahaney's work reverberates through the testimonials of countless satisfied clients. One couple praised her ability to guide them through tumultuous times, fostering a safe space where they felt heard and understood. Another lauded her expertise in utilizing multiple therapeutic approaches, resulting in breakthroughs that transformed their relationship.

The Significance of Seeking Help

In a society where seeking help is sometimes stigmatized, Dr. Mahaney advocates for the importance of seeking therapy. She emphasizes that investing in one's relationship through therapy is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step towards growth and long-term happiness.

Conclusion

Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney's prowess as a marriage therapist in Tampa is not merely about the titles she holds or the methodologies she employs. It's about the lives she has transformed, the relationships she has mended, and the hope she has instilled in countless couples. Her comprehensive approach, coupled with unwavering compassion, continues to make a profound impact on the fabric of relationships in Tampa and beyond.

For those seeking to navigate the complexities of their relationships and embark on a journey towards understanding and harmony, Dr. Mahaney stands as a beacon of hope—a guiding light illuminating the path to healthier, more fulfilling connections.

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Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney's multifaceted expertise and her dedication to tailoring therapy for each couple and individual truly makes her an invaluable asset in the realm of counseling and marriage therapy in Tampa, Florida. She is also licensed in several states including Maryland, Virginia, South Carolina, North Carolina, and Connecticut. 

Book an initial Intake to start making positive changes! 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Text Dr. Liz on her cell phone 813-240-3237

Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships

Introduction

Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.

Understanding the Gottman Approach

1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.

2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.

3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.

Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out

1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.

3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.

The Power of Integration

When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.

1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.

2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.

3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

Transform Anger Into Connection

Transforming anger into an opportunity for connection and growth in intimate relationships is possible through the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

When anger arises in a relationship, couples often fall into destructive communication patterns, exacerbating the initial pain and creating a cycle of suffering. However, NVC offers a way to break this cycle and foster understanding and connection.

Marshall Rosenberg's insight into anger helps shed light on its underlying dynamics. When someone is angry, it indicates a strong need that they urgently want to be met. However, in an attempt to ensure their needs are met, they may employ moralistic rules, which often lead to unpleasant treatment of others. Recognizing these underlying needs and shifting the focus from moralistic rules to unmet needs is crucial for transforming anger into understanding and connection.

To identify the unmet needs behind anger, it is important to look beyond the rules and reactions of the person expressing anger. One approach is to set aside one's own reactions and inquire about the person's upset. Asking questions like, "When I hear that you are upset about this, it tells me there was a way you wanted to be treated that didn't happen. Am I right?" opens up the conversation and invites the person to share their perspective.

Continuing the exploration of unmet needs, asking questions about the ideal way they would have liked to be treated can help uncover their desires and dreams for the relationship. This can include questions such as, "If you could have been treated in a way that was perfect for you, what would that look like? What would have happened?" This process encourages them to think about the positive outcomes they envision and articulate their needs more explicitly.

The answers provided serve as clues to identify their unmet needs. By presenting different possibilities and allowing them to decide what resonates, it becomes easier to narrow down and understand their specific needs. This process is akin to trying on different clothes until the right fit is found. It requires empathy, active listening, and an open mind to accurately grasp the underlying needs being expressed.

By delving deeper into their needs and offering empathy and understanding, the initial anger can be transformed into a sense of relief, relaxation, and genuine connection. This process of uncovering and addressing needs is a form of deep empathy that brings joy and closeness to the relationship.

While learning this approach may take time and practice, it cultivates a sense of eagerness to explore the needs underlying anger and fosters a stronger bond between partners. Through NVC, anger can be seen as an opportunity for growth, understanding, and strengthening the connection in intimate relationships.

Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.

In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.

Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.

The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.

NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.

Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.

It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.

It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.

In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.

When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.

Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.

Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.

Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.

Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Navigating Separation: The Benefits of Marriage and Family Therapy

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When a couple decides to separate, it can be an emotionally challenging and uncertain time for everyone involved. The turbulence of this period can lead to heightened conflict, misunderstandings, and feelings of isolation. However, seeking support during a separation can offer a ray of hope and provide a path towards healing and growth. One valuable resource to consider is marriage and family therapy. In this blog post, we will explore how attending therapy sessions during a separation can facilitate communication, promote understanding, and ultimately, aid in the transition to a new chapter in life.

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1. Creating a Safe Space for Communication:

Effective communication often becomes strained during a separation. Emotions run high, and it can be challenging to express thoughts and feelings without escalating conflict. Marriage and family therapy offers a safe and neutral environment where both partners can voice their concerns, fears, and hopes. A skilled therapist can facilitate constructive conversations, ensuring that each person feels heard and validated. Through open and honest dialogue, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives, fostering empathy and reducing tension.

2. Nurturing Emotional Well-being:

Separation brings forth a wide range of emotions, such as grief, anger, fear, and sadness. These emotions can be overwhelming, leading to increased stress and difficulty in managing daily life. Marriage and family therapy provides individuals with a supportive setting to process and express their emotions. Therapists can guide clients in developing coping mechanisms, healthy communication strategies, and self-care practices. By addressing emotional well-being, therapy helps individuals navigate the separation with greater resilience and stability.

3. Facilitating Co-Parenting and Family Transitions:

For couples with children, separation poses additional challenges in terms of co-parenting and managing family dynamics. Marriage and family therapy can play a vital role in helping parents develop effective co-parenting strategies. Therapists can assist in creating parenting plans, improving communication skills, and resolving conflicts related to child-rearing. Additionally, therapy sessions can aid children in understanding and adapting to the changes occurring within the family, promoting their emotional well-being during this transition.

4. Fostering Personal Growth and Self-Reflection:

Separation often prompts individuals to reflect on themselves and their relationships. Marriage and family therapy can facilitate personal growth and self-reflection, empowering individuals to learn from their experiences and make positive changes. Therapists can help clients explore their own roles in the relationship dynamics, identify patterns, and develop healthier behaviors. By gaining insights and self-awareness, individuals can improve their future relationships and build a stronger foundation for personal fulfillment.

5. Transitioning to a New Chapter:

While separation represents the end of one chapter, it also marks the beginning of a new journey. Marriage and family therapy can aid in the transition process, helping individuals redefine their identities and establish goals for the future. Therapists can offer guidance on managing practical aspects such as finances, housing, and legal matters. Moreover, therapy provides ongoing support as individuals navigate the emotional challenges associated with moving forward.

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Attending marriage and family therapy during a separation can be a transformative experience. It offers a safe space for open communication, nurtures emotional well-being, and facilitates the development of healthy coping mechanisms. Additionally, therapy supports co-parenting efforts and helps children adjust to new family dynamics. Ultimately, it promotes personal growth and assists individuals in transitioning to a new chapter with a renewed sense of hope and purpose. If you find yourself going through a separation, consider seeking the support of a qualified marriage and family therapist to guide you on this transformative journey.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Supporting Your Partner Through Difficult Times

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Life is filled with ups and downs, and during challenging moments, having a supportive partner can make all the difference. As a couple, navigating difficult times together can strengthen your bond and foster personal growth. Drawing from the perspective of a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), this blog post will explore effective ways to help your partner during tough moments, promoting a healthy and thriving relationship.

1. Foster Open Communication

Effective compassionate communication forms the foundation of any strong relationship. During difficult times, encourage your partner to express their thoughts and feelings openly. Provide a safe and non-judgmental space where they can freely share their concerns, worries, or frustrations. Actively listen, validate their emotions, and refrain from offering immediate solutions. Sometimes, all they need is a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.

2. Cultivate Empathy and Understanding

Empathy plays a vital role in supporting your partner through challenging times. Put yourself in their shoes, trying to understand their perspective and emotions. Recognize that their experience may differ from yours, and avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Show genuine compassion and validate their experiences, even if you cannot fully relate to their circumstances. Offering empathy allows your partner to feel heard and understood, strengthening the connection between you.

3. Be Present and Available

During difficult times, your partner may need your presence more than ever. Demonstrate your commitment by making time for them, ensuring your availability. Be physically and emotionally present, offering your support and undivided attention. Engage in activities they enjoy or simply spend quality time together. Your consistent presence and active involvement will foster a sense of security and reassurance during their challenging moments.

4. Provide Practical Support

Practical support can alleviate some of the burdens your partner may face. Assess their needs and identify practical ways you can assist them. This could involve helping with household chores, running errands, or taking on additional responsibilities. By sharing the load, you show your partner that you are in this together, reinforcing the idea that you are a team working through adversity.

5. Encourage Self-Care

Encourage and facilitate self-care practices for your partner. During difficult times, individuals may neglect their well-being. Help them prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, therapy, or pursuing hobbies they find fulfilling. Offer to join them in these activities, or support them by giving them space and time for themselves. By nurturing their well-being, you contribute to their overall resilience and ability to cope with challenges.

6. Avoid Judgment and Criticism

In moments of vulnerability, it is crucial to avoid judgment and criticism. Negative or critical remarks can be detrimental to your partner's well-being, exacerbating their difficulties. Instead, practice empathy, understanding, and unconditional positive regard. Create an environment where your partner feels safe expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. Remember, your role is to support and uplift, rather than criticize or belittle.

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed

Recognize when professional help may be beneficial. If your partner's challenges persist or intensify, encourage them to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor. Professional intervention can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and personalized guidance to navigate their difficulties. By encouraging this step, you demonstrate your commitment to their well-being and the health of your relationship.

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Supporting your partner during difficult times is a testament to the strength and resilience of your relationship. By fostering open communication, empathy, and understanding, you create a safe space for them to share their struggles. Being present, offering practical support, and encouraging self-care can significantly alleviate their burdens. Remember, each individual's journey is unique, and seeking professional help when necessary is a sign of strength and commitment.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Nonviolent Communication Between Parents and Children

Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, and this holds especially true in the parent-child dynamic. Cultivating nonviolent communication between parents and children creates a harmonious environment that fosters understanding, trust, and empathy. In this blog post, we will explore the principles of nonviolent communication and provide practical tips for implementing them in your interactions with your children. By embracing these strategies, you can build strong connections, resolve conflicts peacefully, and promote emotional well-being within your family.

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1. Empathy as the Foundation:

   Nonviolent communication begins with empathetic understanding. Put yourself in your child's shoes, seeking to understand their feelings and needs without judgment. Listen attentively and reflect their emotions back to them. By acknowledging their emotions, you create a safe space where they feel heard and valued.

2. Cultivate Open and Respectful Dialogue:

   Encourage open dialogue by creating an environment where your children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions. Avoid dismissing or belittling their feelings, as this can discourage open communication. Practice active listening, maintain eye contact, and respond with empathy and respect. This fosters trust and promotes a sense of equality in your interactions.

3. Use "I" Statements and Express Feelings:

   When discussing concerns or conflicts, use "I" statements to express how you feel rather than blaming or criticizing. For example, say, "I feel hurt when you speak to me in that tone," instead of, "You're always disrespectful." This approach encourages your child to empathize with your perspective and facilitates a more constructive conversation.

4. Focus on Needs and Solutions:

   Shift the focus from blame to identifying underlying needs and finding mutually beneficial solutions. When conflicts arise, explore the underlying needs of both parties involved. Collaboratively brainstorm solutions that meet those needs. By involving your child in problem-solving, you teach them valuable negotiation and conflict resolution skills while fostering a sense of autonomy.

5. Encourage Emotional Intelligence:

   Help your child develop emotional intelligence by teaching them to identify and express their emotions appropriately. Encourage them to articulate their feelings and needs, and guide them in finding healthy ways to manage their emotions. Validate their emotions and provide a nurturing environment where they feel safe to express themselves.

6. Practice Nonviolent Discipline:

   Discipline is an important aspect of parenting, but it can be done in a nonviolent and respectful manner. Instead of resorting to physical or verbal aggression, focus on teaching, guiding, and setting clear boundaries. Utilize logical consequences, time-outs, or loss of privileges as appropriate. Explain the reasons behind the discipline and ensure your child understands the lesson being taught.

7. Lead by Example:

   Children learn through observation, so it is crucial to model nonviolent communication in your own interactions. Show empathy, express emotions constructively, and demonstrate effective conflict resolution skills. When you make mistakes, be willing to apologize and take responsibility, teaching your child the importance of accountability and repair.

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Nonviolent communication between parents and children builds strong emotional connections and nurtures a peaceful and respectful family dynamic. By prioritizing empathy, practicing open dialogue, focusing on needs and solutions, encouraging emotional intelligence, implementing nonviolent discipline, and leading by example, you lay the foundation for positive and healthy relationships with your children. Remember, effective communication requires ongoing effort and patience, but the rewards of a strong and harmonious parent-child bond are immeasurable.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Are You Arguing with Your Spouse?

Many couples believe that arguing with their spouse is a sign of a troubled relationship. However, the truth is that disagreements are a natural part of any healthy relationship. In fact, it's normal and even healthy for couples to have arguments from time to time. Here are some reasons why it's okay to argue with your spouse.

1. It allows for honest communication: Arguing with your spouse can provide an opportunity for honest communication. When couples argue, they are expressing their true feelings, thoughts, and concerns. This kind of communication is essential to building a strong and healthy relationship.

2. It helps to resolve conflicts: Disagreements can provide an opportunity to resolve conflicts. When couples argue, they are addressing issues that need to be resolved. By working through these conflicts together, couples can strengthen their relationship and create a deeper understanding of each other.

3. It shows that you care: Arguing with your spouse can also be a sign that you care about each other. When couples argue, they are expressing their passion, which is a sign of emotional investment in the relationship. It shows that you are willing to stand up for your beliefs and values, which can create a more meaningful relationship.

4. It leads to growth and learning: Arguing with your spouse can also lead to personal growth and learning. When couples argue, they are challenging each other's perspectives, which can lead to new insights and understanding. By working through conflicts and disagreements, couples can learn from each other and grow together.

5. It can bring you closer together: Finally, arguing with your spouse can actually bring you closer together. When couples argue, they are working through difficult issues together, which can create a stronger bond. By being willing to engage in difficult conversations, couples can create a deeper connection and a more intimate relationship.

Arguing with your spouse is a natural and healthy part of any relationship. It allows for honest communication, helps to resolve conflicts, shows that you care, leads to growth and learning, and can bring you closer together. The key is to approach arguments with respect, empathy, and a willingness to listen to each other's perspectives. By doing so, you can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth and strengthen your relationship in the process.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Can Gottman Couples Therapy Help Your Relationship Improve?

If you are facing relationship struggles, Gottman Couples Therapy can provide you and your partner with the support you need to work through your problems. This approach to couple’s therapy is based on over 40 years of research conducted by Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman.

The main goal of Gottman Couples Therapy is to help couples strengthen their relationships by improving communication, enhancing love, and building trust. The therapy process focuses on evidence-based interventions that have been shown to be effective in strengthening relationships.

One of the key elements of this therapy is the concept of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which refers to four negative communication patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns can be some of the most significant predictors of relationship breakdown. During the therapy sessions, the couples learn to recognize and avoid these patterns, which helps them to communicate more effectively.

Another essential component of Gottman Couples Therapy is the “Love Maps” exercise. This exercise involves creating a detailed understanding of each other’s inner worlds, including dreams, hopes, and fears. By building these Love Maps, couples can stay connected and understand each other better.

In addition, Gottman Couples Therapy helps couples to develop conflict management skills. During the therapy sessions, couples learn how to navigate argument and disagreements by expressing their own needs while also listening to their partner's feelings and concerns.

Gottman Couples Therapy also emphasizes the importance of reinforcing positive behavior. Couples are encouraged to express appreciation, admiration, and affection towards one another regularly. This allows the couple to build and maintain a strong foundation of love and positivity.

Overall, Gottman Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach to counseling that can help couples work through various relationship challenges. By focusing on improved communication, increased trust, and building stronger emotional connections, couples can learn ways to enhance their relationship and increase their overall happiness.

Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering

When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things: 

1. Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.

2. Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help. 

The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other. 

The first stage is Idealization. 

This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises. 

The idealization phase may include: 

• Love-bombing

• A lot of attention given to partner

• Grandiose gestures

• Elaborate gifts and dates

• Discussing marriage

• Lack of boundaries

• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

• Quickly moving into intimacy

• Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).

The second phase is devaluation.

During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.  

The devaluation phase might include:  

• Attempting to change their partner

• Increasing criticism and insults

• Gaslighting

• Physical threats

• Poor communication

• Increased violation of boundaries

• Triangulation

• More isolation or control over their partner

• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).

Finally, the third phase is rejection. 

In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with. 

The rejection phase may include: 

• Feelings of contempt and rage

• Betraying the relationship

• Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them

• Playing the victim

• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).

Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery. 

1. Label the Abuse

Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.  

2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.

Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave. 

3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.  

4. Seek Support

The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills. 

5. Rediscover Yourself

In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it. 

There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!

By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional Resources: 

Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support

https://narcissisticabusevictims.org/

You Are Not Alone - Educate Yourself - Find Support - Get Healed - Find Peace Again - Narcissist Abuse Support

What is the Gottman Method for Couples, Relationships, and Families?

What is the Gottman Approach to therapy and counseling? 

I’ll explain~

I absolutely love the Gottman’s therapeutic approach! There is so much that can be said about this method. If you have never heard about this couple’s approach in therapy, then let me give you a little bit of insight. The Gottman Method aims "to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship." Interventions used in the Gottman Method are research-based and grounded in the Sound Relationship House theory, which specifies nine elements of a healthy relationship. Imagine a house with seven floors and two weight bearing walls.

Floor 1 - Build Love Maps.

Love maps are important because the whole relationship begins on the firm foundation of truly knowing one another. Each partner knows the ins and outs of their partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know one another better than anyone else.

Floor 2 – Share Fondness and Admiration.

We all love to hear something nice about ourselves, right? This is a need, and it means the most when it comes from your loved one. Vocalizing your admiration for one another and being able to articulate the big and little reasons you love each other is huge!

Floor 3 – Turn Towards.

When you need attention, support, and comfort from your partner, you more than likely say or do something to elicit a response from your partner. This what is referred to as a “bid”. When your partner replies with what you need, this is them turning toward. Turning away from one another, or AGAINST each other is asking for trouble. Turning away disrupts the safe space you both need to express yourselves and needs.

Floor 4 – The Positive Perspective.

Your outlook on life and on your relationship is shaped so much by your perspectives and cognitions. When in a healthy relationship, couples see the best in each other and don’t jump to conclusions filled with judgement and criticism if one partner forgets to pick up their socks or give you a kiss goodbye. Truly believing you both are on the same team strengthens the relationship from inside out.

Floor 5 – Manage Conflict.

Conflict is going to happen! It’s inevitable but knowing what to do when it presents itself is key. You need to accept partner’s influence, communicate about the conflict, and be able to self-soothe.

Floor 6 – Make Life Dreams Come True.

Healthy relationships involve having a partner in life who encourages and helps you reach your goals. Making each other’s life dreams come true shows your partner that you want the best possible life for them and are willing to do what it takes to make that dream happen.

Floor 7 – Create Shared Meaning.

Congratulations, you have reached the top floor. This is where you build and understand an inner world as a COUPLE. The Gottman’s believe that developing your own culture of symbols and rituals is what expresses WHO you are as a TEAM. It continues to deepen your connection together. These are referred to as Rituals of Connection and they define you as a unit. The best part of this is that you create them together.

Weight Bearing Walls – Trust and Commitment. Without trust and commitment, the 7 floors can’t hold together, and it will fall apart.

In a healthy and supportive relationship, the partners are CHOOSING to have faith in one another and to be committed to each other. There is no force, and you are freely loving one another and pledging to help that love grow.

 

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book With Me: https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Resources

1. About The Gottman Method. The Gottman Institute. 2021.

2. What is The Sound Relationship House? The Gottman Institute. 2022.

The Power of Listening in Communication

Why do we communicate? Communication is the key to understanding. Understanding helps to create a quality of connection sufficient to work together and collaborate, and to attend to our needs. 

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention….” -Rachel Naomi Remen. 

Listening can be a powerful tool to help get to a place of greater understanding. Listening depends on silence. The ability to let go, even temporarily, of your own thoughts, views, and agenda for the conversation, in order to be fully present and listen to the person in front of you. 

Listening can help build trust and good will between two people. 

There are three basic ways to listen: 

The first is silent, present listening. This entails letting go of your own thoughts and agenda, in order to be fully engaged with the person you are communicating with. Try to get curious about what the other person is communicating. Think of yourself as an eager student listening to an exciting lecture. Your role is to listen and gather as much information and understanding as possible. Try to come from a place of wanting to connect and understand through listening. 

The second way to practice active listening is to utilize one of two skills: paraphrasing or summarizing. Paraphrasing is to restate what the person just shared with you, exactly in their own words. There are no additional words, meanings, or questions attached to the paraphrase. 

Here is a simple example: 

Speaker: “I have been feeling sad and lonely this past week”. 

Listener: “You have been feeling sad and lonely this past week”

Summarizing is something you can utilize AFTER you have listened to the speaker share their full story. A summary is a more condensed version of what you just listened to, but it still includes all the main points that the speaker just shared. Think of a summary as what you would find online about a book or movie that you are wanting to understand the meaning of- it has the gist of the story and the main themes, without all the specific details. Utilizing the skill of summarizing allows the speaker to see that you were truly listening and trying to understand what they shared. It also allows the speaker a chance to correct or clarify anything that may have been misunderstood. A good summary shows that you are a good listener. 

The third way to practice intentional listening is to utilize a skill known as empathetic reflection. This is very similar to the paraphrase skill; in that it mirrors what the speaker just shared with you. However, the key difference in an empathetic reflection is that it must include both the feeling the speaker is experiencing, as well as the reason for that feeling. 

Here is a simple example: 

Speaker: “I’m feeling really anxious about tomorrow. I have my big annual review with my supervisor.” 

Empathetic reflection: “You feel anxious because you have your annual review with your supervisor tomorrow.” 

Notice how the sentence includes the feeling word: anxious; as well as the reason for that feeling: an upcoming annual review with a supervisor. Empathetic reflections are so helpful because it allows the speaker to see that you are not only actively listening to what they just shared, but that you are willing to understand how they feel even if it is uncomfortable for you. Think of empathy as feeling into or feeling with the other person. You do not have to share the person’s feelings in order to empathize with them. It’s best to utilize the same words that the speaker shared in your empathic reflection. Keep it simple and remember that if you are actively listening, you will hear clues as to how the speaker is feeling, and the reason for that feeling- which are the 2 pieces you need for your empathic reflection. 

People thrive and grow when they feel understood. Which is why active listening can be one of the most powerful healers for difficult conversations. Practice utilizing the 3 basic ways to listen and see how it can transform your conversations to create more understanding and connection. 

Written by: Jamie Rudden 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

“Words are Windows

(or They’re Walls)

I feel so sentenced by your words,

I feel so judged and sent away,

Before I go I’ve got to know

Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,

Before I speak in hurt or fear,

Before I build that wall of words,

Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they’re walls,

They sentence us, or set us free.

When I speak and when I hear,

Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,

Things that mean so much to me,

If my words don’t make me clear,

Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,

If you felt I didn’t care,

Try to listen through my words

To the feelings that we share.”

— Quote Source—Ruth Bebermeyer

Practice Empathy in Three Ways: Cognitively, Emotionally, and Somatically

You must first take off your own shoes to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.

Listening with empathy is a fundamental component of coming from curiosity and care, as well as the foundation of discussion. Here are three strategies to start practicing incorporating more empathy into your daily life that integrate living purposefully and empathetically.

PRACTICE: Empathy

It's important to remember that practicing this doesn't have to be limited to situations in which you are the center of attention. Its easier to feel for others when you aren't being attacked. Remember that empathy isn't something you put into words; it's a quality of presence in your heart. Aim to comprehend the other person's situation and let the conversation unfold organically.

SILENT EMPATHIC PRESENCE: Practice listening completely, with the heartfelt intention to understand and "feel into" what the other person is saying. How is this issue for them?

PARAPHRASE: After listening, summarize the gist of what you've heard. What are the key features of what they've said? It's also possible that repeating just a few words will be enough.

EMPATHIC REFLECTION: After listening, check that you understand by reflecting what you hear is most important to them. This may include how they feel and/or what they need. What's at the heart of this individual's narrative? What can you do to assist them to feel understood? Remember to phrase your reflections as questions and double-check that you're correct.

There are other methods for conveying compassion. We may convey empathy by giving a kind word, with a loving touch, or by describing how we're feeling in response to what we've heard. By expressing interest with open-ended questions like "Tell me more," "What else?"

As an example, my daughter's friend a freshman who is usually cheerful and bubbly, began showing up early to practice. I struck up a conversation and realized how much she was struggling. This friend was saying, "I don't want to go to this school anymore," and was thinking about dropping out. I noticed the impulse to go into problem-solving mode, an old habit of mine. Having just finished another book on empathy, I paused and decided to try listening instead. "Tell me more. What's going on?"

She began to open up. She was being bullied. She felt sad, alone, and depressed. Every time I noticed the urge to fix or solve, I attended to feeling the weight of my body and my feet on the floor, and resisted the temptation to offer solutions. I focused my attention on what she was feeling and reflected what I was hearing. She began to cry, oscillating between speaking, sobbing, and awkwardly making eye contact as if to check whether all of this was okay. There were a lot of tears, tissues, and long moments in which I simply held her gaze.

She spoke more about her feelings of sadness, loneliness, and not feeling valued. "I've felt like this since first grade," she mentioned. "Was that the first time you felt so sad and alone?" I inquired. No, it started when she was three, when her dad left. They looked at each other, realizing they'd hit the root of her pain. Eventually they explored what she might need at school. They came up with some strategies to address the bullying. She decided to stay in school and to make a public art piece for the classroom about depression.

This is the power of which empathy may help us. With a listening spirit, we can absorb each statement made, each emotion felt. Healing and change are possible if we come from a place of curiosity and care rather than our usual mode of behavior.

PRINCIPLES

People are more likely to be willing to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.

KEY POINTS

The desire to comprehend is frequently expressed through listening, which entails putting away our own ideas, emotions, opinions, and views temporarily.

We can listen in many ways:

• With complete, wholehearted presence

• To the content of what someone says

• To the feelings and needs beneath the content

Staying connected in conversation helps us build understanding and

collaborate:

DON'T LET THE CALL DROP: Seek to establish and maintain connection in conversation.

REFLECT BEFORE YOU RESPOND: Confirm that you're hearing each other accurately before moving on. This "completes a cycle' of communication.

At the heart of listening is empathy, which includes:

• Cognitive empathy: seeing things from another's perspective

• Affective empathy: feeling another's emotions

• Somatic empathy: sensing another's embodied experience

Q & A

Q: What if someone wants advice? Is that ever okay?

Of course. When someone asks for advice, you might try offering empathy

first. I'll often say, I'm happy to share some of my ideas, but first I just want

to take in what you've said. I'll follow that with an empathic reflection of

what I'm hearing and check if I've understood. This can help the other

person process their experience and clarify what matters. I then circle back

to inquire if they still want advice; sometimes it's no longer relevant.

If the tables are turned and you want to give someone advice, check

first. Let them know: "I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you

open to some advice?" This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances

that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice

as a way of soothing your own anxiety.

Q: I've been exploring these empathy tools with close friends and family

and my new approach creates a lot of awkwardness. What do you do

when others expect you to communicate in a certain way?

It can be confusing when our attempts to create more connection backfire.

Part of what you are experiencing is the relational dimension of communication habits. They occur in a dynamic, so when we shift it affects others.

It also may simply be the learning curve; it takes time to find an authentic

voice with these tools.

Let go of the form and focus on your genuine intention to connect.

What would help this person to feel heard? If someone is used to us

showing care by asking questions or agreeing and we respond by reflecting

their needs, that may throw them off. Try to tune in to what they want.

When all else fails, let people know that you're trying something new that

you hope will bring you closer. Ask them to humor you while you learn.

Empowering Couples to Communicate Compassionately~ Using Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

The process of non-violent communication (NVC) was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg and encourages us to connect with others in a more heartfelt and empathetic manner. NVC emphasizes the significance of language in our day-to-day encounters, calling for conscious responses, instead of reactions, based on perceptions, feelings, needs, and visions for what we DO want to see happen.

The Four Components of NVC

There are four basic components to NVC that include observations, feelings, needs, and requests. What actions are we seeing around us that have an impact on our well-being? How do we feel based on what we've seen or heard? What need, desire, or value sparked those feelings? All negative feelings are unmet needs. Finally, how may we make positive requests of others that will improve our lives? These elements all work together to create NVC's foundation.

Our Language Shapes Our Thinking

Sometimes our thoughts sabotage our needs. It is helpful to gather more data and not just react from our triggers or automatic thoughts. Our thoughts produce the way we feel. Negative thoughts point to an unmet need. If I don't know what I need and react from the story that I tell myself, a lot of bad habits can form from this bad habit. Instead, I can gather more data, not just from thoughts but I want to drop down and gather more data from my feelings, where my feelings live somatically in my body, and what needs I have. When I discover my needs, I am in a powerful position to get my needs met. If I do not know what I need in real time, I may react and sabotage my needs which disconnects us from ourselves and other people in our lives.

All attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met. Attacks create disconnect and defensiveness. Using NVC helps us accept influence and stay connected even through some of the most difficult conversations.

NVC not only challenges us to change the way we talk to one another, it also challenges us to change the way we think and perceive the world around us. In other words, NVC is not just a process of communication where words are simply exchanged. We must reframe our thinking so that we are able to genuinely express ourselves and be empathetic to what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. NVC is truly an amazing process that empowers us to connect with one another in a compassionate way.

How to Calm The Jackal and Put on Your Giraffe Ears

Marshall Rosenberg conceptualized our tendency toward aggression and dominance as a jackal, while our more compassionate side he imagined as a giraffe (since giraffes have the largest hearts of all land mammals). When we listen with Jackal ears, we hear complaints as criticisms and requests as demands. When faced with a demand, collaboration isn’t possible. You either submit or you rebel which disconnects us and neither feels good, nor works well in a long-term relationship.

Conversely, when we put on our Giraffe ears, we listen with more empathy and compassion. We are more likely to hear the feelings and the needs behind what someone is saying. We’re more likely to see those needs as being understandable and reasonable, and not in competition with our own needs. When we understand and empathize, compromise and collaboration become feasible.

Nonviolent Communication in Couples Therapy

With couples, NVC bridges the gap in understanding between each partner and helps counter the judgmental negative stories that may build up about the other person:

“They’re lazy.”

“They’re not putting in as much work as I am.”

“They don’t love and care about my feelings.”

These interpretations or evaluations discourage us from being vulnerable and trusting the other person, and they prevent us from making needed changes. When we choose to replace those judgmental stories with greater understanding, more connection is possible.

NVC may challenge our preconceived notions about others and the world, which can help us to appreciate one another and live more freely. When the guy who is cutting me off in traffic stops being a jerk and becomes a person going through something terrible in their own life, I am able to let go of my anger. When I recognize that my difficulties in keeping my home clean aren't "laziness" but rather a battle for motivation or a desire for "rest and recuperation," the self-compassion I gain not only lessens my suffering, but it also increases the likelihood that I will be able to satisfy that need AND keep my house clean.

Whether you’re looking for Couples Therapy or Individual Counseling, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help you create the life you want to live together as a team.