7 Ways To Set Boundaries Without Being Mean

1. Start saying “No” To change your ways, you must always start small and in this scenario pick something minor to say no to. ... 

2. Trust your body instinct. ... 

3. Let go of what people will think. ... 

4. Stay firm. ... 

5. Be short and confident in your “No” ... 

6. Be clear about what “Yes” means. ... 

7. Implement ASSA.

ASSA stands for:

• Alert the individual that you need to talk to them.

• State your issue by revealing to the person what the problem is. Tell them why it’s an issue.

• Sell the advantages to them for acting better towards you. For example, “you will seem professional”.

• Agree. Seek agreement for doing things differently in future.

Increase Self Awareness With One Simple Fix

“Yesterday I was clever, and I wanted to change the world." Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” — Ruminator

Ask WHAT, NOT why, for more accurate and satisfying Self Awareness.

Why questions trap us in the rear view mirror.

WHAT questions move us forward to our future.

Self-awareness has countless proven benefits -- stronger relationships, higher performance, more effective leadership. Sounds pretty great, right? Here’s the bad news: 95% of people think that they’re self-aware, but only 10-15% actually are!

Luckily, Tasha Eurich has a simple solution that will instantly improve your self-awareness. As a third-generation entrepreneur, Dr. Tasha Eurich was born with a passion for business, pairing her scientific savvy in human behavior with a practical approach to solving business challenges.

As an organizational psychologist, she’s helped thousands of leaders improve their effectiveness, from Fortune 500 executives to early-stage entrepreneurs. Her new book, Insight, reveals the findings of her three-year research program on self-awareness, which she calls the meta-skill of the 21st century. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.  

Self-awareness has countless proven benefits -- stronger relationships, higher performance, more effective leadership. Sounds pretty great, right? Here's the...

To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

Instructions:

To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

From the Research on Couples Happiness and Unhappiness by Julie and John Gottman, Ph.D.

First some notes before you do the process, and then the process will follow:

NOTES TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU BEGIN

1. You are processing a PAST event, not the present.

So, talk about how you felt in the PAST event, not how you feel right now.1. 

For example, 

• Do this: In that argument, I felt hurt, sad, and dismissed.

• Don’t do this: I feel angry at you now about that argument.

Reason for this Instruction:  You are processing what happened in the past to feel more complete, so you can let go obsessing over it, learn from it and that will help you both feel closer. If your emotion is so strong now about the event, say in the “yellow” or “read”  you are most likely flooded or soon to be. So, it is best to not do the exercise until you are calm, and you can check your pulse to see. If it is close to or over 100 beats, you need to calm before you do the repair.  You both need to be in the “green” so reasonableness has a chance to stay steady. Being flooded isn’t wrong, it just means you are still hurting and need more time to calm, then do the exercise.

2.  BOTH points of view are right.

It is important to remember, and remind yourself often, that a point of view is not an absolute reality. It is relative. Subjective.  If you are flooded you will not be able to hear a point of view that you see differently without debating or being defensive. If you are in the green, you can be curious and interested in your partner’s inner world and see to understand instead of persuade them to your view.  The goal of closeness happens when each person feels heard and understood in their world. That makes each open to reasonable consideration and influence.

• Do this: I hear that you saw. . . 

• Don’t do this: What you saw isn’t right . . .

Reason for this instruction:  Repair needs to be about dialogue and understanding, not debate and convince.  Curiosity, interest, and compassion for self and other is needed. Otherwise, you will end the conversation feeling further distance from each other and worse than when you began. The goals is repair and to feel better and closer.

3.  Save all persuasiveness to step 6.  

Reason for this instruction: Happy couples in the research waited until both people felt understood and their viewpoint considered before asking for anything.  Step 6 is the Ask.

4.  In step 6, remember you are going to “try” something different next time. 

That means it may work better or it may not. Either is helpful information for your knowledge database in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. So, keep the “trying” as experimental where you are both looking for what works bests and let that grow.

• Do this:  I want to try and start soft when I have a complaint and wait until I am calm to talk.

• Don’t do this: I am going to be soft so that this doesn’t happen again.

5.  Each person gets a turn on each step. 

Start with emotions first. Don’t combine steps.

Reason for this instruction:  The emotions drive the intensity of the conversation and the repair. By starting there it takes pressure off each person and helps focus on learning.

6. If you are flooded, in the red or rising in the yellow. Stop.

When emotion runs high and stays high in the "red," it is necessary to take a break until both people are in the green, or calm. This is the most common reason repair isn't made: too much emotional intensity. It is ok and necessary to stop and return later when one or both partners are flooded.  This does not mean that  you don't feel intensity. This does mean when the intensity rises and starts to stay high or emotional intensity becomes detached, you need to stop and come back later when calm or feeling more able to be emotionally engaged.  Also, when either partner is "tuned out" or "detached," in the "blue," that is also a sign of being overwhelmed and reasonableness is also inhibited.

Reason for instruction: You cannot be yield to reasonableness, when you are flooded with emotions or detached from your emotions. When flooded (red) or detached (blue) you can make matters worse, but you can't make them better until you calm down enough to yield to reason.

7.   The Language of Healing In A Repair Conversation

According to the research of Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. and his process of ifs-Internal Family Systems.

The 8 C’s That Heal by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. 

Calmness - (1.) a high degree of physiological and mental serenity regardless of the circumstance(s) (2.) the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme ways(3.) to be less vulnerable to adopting the common fight-flight-freeze response when threatened. (Calmness experienced in dynamic degrees)

Curiosity - (1.) a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person (2.) to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work(3.) genuinely interested in non-judgmentally understanding something or someone. (Curiosity experienced in dynamic degrees)

Clarity - (1.) the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotion s(2.) the ability to maintain one’s objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest (3.) the absence of preconception and objection (opposing) (4.) the ability to maintain a “beginner’s mind” in which many possibilities exist. (Clarity is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Compassion - (1.) to be open heartedly present and appreciative of others without feeling the urge to fix, change or distance from them (2.) an intuitive understanding that the suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them (3.) to simultaneously have empathy for others and a belief that the other has a Self that once released can relieve his or her own suffering. (Compassion is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Confidence - (1.) to maintain a strong personal knowledge in one’s ability to stay fully or as present as possible in a situation and handle or repair anything that happens with the belief that “no matter what, it’s all okay and will all work out the way that it can” (2.) to have the direct experience of being healed from previous traumas and learned from previous failures to such a degree that their effect does not spill into the present (3.) to understand that mistakes are only lessons to be learned. (Confidence is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Courage - (1.) strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger (2.) the willingness to take action toward a goal that you or others would find overwhelming(3.) the ability to recognize the damage we do to others then take action to make amends (4.) the willingness to reflect and “go inside” toward our own pain and shame, carefully examine it and act on what we see. (Courage is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Creativity - (1.) the use of the imagination to produce original ideas (2.) the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity (3.) the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems. (Curiosity is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Connectedness - (1.) the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, family, team, community, or organization (2.) a connection to a meaningful purpose or a "higher calling" above the circumstances of daily life (3.) to be in a relationship with someone who truly knows and accepts you for who you actually are(4.) to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that judgement or controlling can happen and can addressed openly with options and have less fear of getting hurt because you have grown degrees of confidence that you can repair damage or misunderstandings when they occur. (Connectedness is experienced in dynamic degrees)

••••••••••••••••••

THE INSTRUCTIONS:

Step by Step Guide To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

I. FEELINGS

Go through the list and say the ones that you felt in the disagreement that needs repair. The more the better to help you express to your partner how you felt. This helps relieve the intensity about the past argument.

1. I felt defensive.

2. I felt listened to.

3. My feelings got hurt.

4. I felt understood.

5. I felt angry.

6. I felt sad.

7. I felt happy.

8. I felt misunderstood

9. I felt criticized.

10. I didn’t take my partner’s complaints personally.

11. I felt disliked by my partner.

12. I felt cared for.

13. I was worried.

14. I felt afraid.

15. I felt safe.

16. I was relaxed.

17. I felt right and my partner wrong.

18. I felt we were both partly right.

19. I felt out of control.

20. I felt in control.

21. I felt righteously indignant.

22. I felt that we were both morally justified in our views.

23. I felt picked on unfairly.

24. I felt appreciated.

25. I felt unappreciated.

26. I felt unattractive.

27. I felt attractive.

28. I felt morally outraged.

29. I felt taken for granted.

30. I didn’t feel taken for granted.

31. I felt like leaving.

32. I felt like staying and talking this through.

33. I was overwhelmed with emotion.

34. I felt calm.

35. I felt powerful.

36. I felt powerless.

37. I felt that I had no influence.

38. I felt I could be persuasive.

39. I felt as if my opinion didn’t even matter.

40. There was a lot of give and take.

41. I had not feelings at all.

42. I have no idea what I was feeling

43. I felt lonely.

44. I felt alienated.

45. Other feelings

II.  Share your subjective reality.

Summarize your own personal point of view, your personal reality about the disagreement. What was your story?

III.  Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand.

Try and see how your partner’s subjective point of view, their reality, make sense,  given your partner’s perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his or her reality that makes sense to you.

IV. What triggered in you during the disagreement.

What in your history, your childhood, life before this relationship became triggered during the conversation?

V.   Accept some responsibility. 

       Admit your role in the conflict, what you did that made matters worse.

1. I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

2. I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

3. I have I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

4. I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

5. I have taken my partner for granted.

6. I have been highly sensitive lately.

7. I have been highly critical lately.

8. I have not shared very much of my inner world.

9. I have not been emotionally available.

10. I have been turning away from partner.

11. I have been getting easily upset.

12. I have been depressed lately.

13. I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.

14. I have not been affectionate.

15. I have not made time for good things between us.

16. I have not been a very good listener.

17. I have not been asking for what I need.

18. I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.

19. I have needed to be alone.

20. I have not wanted to take care of anybody.

21. (Add your own)

Overall, my contribution to this disagreement was __________ . 

VI. Make it better in the future

This is where persuasion is appropriate. Not trying to manipulate, but asking for the favor of trying something different.  By the time you get to this step, you both will clearly see possibilities to try differently next time. Be sure to start with what YOU will try next time. Then have your partner go. Then, what your "ask" is for your partner to try next time, and then, theirs for you. If the "ask" to too far of a stretch  for either of you, adjust it to something you can try that is reasonable. Remember, it may not work out so whatever happens is ok to learn from and try again and again as you learn to care about yourself and each other.

1. One thing you could try next time? (Let each respond before moving to number 2)

2. One thing you would like your partner to try differently next time?

What Are Your Enduring Vulnerabilities?

What Are Your Enduring Vulnerabilities?

Dear Neil:  My wife “Sherry” and I have been married 29 years.  We have gone through a huge number of hurts and disappointments that have left both of us feeling vulnerable.  What can be done to overcome past emotional injuries so they don’t harm the quality of intimacy and closeness in our marriage?

  The following exercise is designed to help you identify your emotional vulnerabilities.   Check the columns that fit your present—or your past.

To each injury you checked, describe what happened, how did the wound affect you?  What did you do to try to heal from the injury?  What have you done to try to insure that this doesn’t happen again?  What are the implications of the injury on your current life?

Answer the above questions.  Then answer the questions once more, this time putting yourself in your spouse’s place.  After that, thoroughly examine the following:

• How do your enduring vulnerabilities affect your ability to connect emotionally with your mate?

• Do you feel that past injuries interfere with your ability to invite emotional connection? In which ways?

• Do you feel that past injuries interfere with your partner’s ability to invite or accept emotional connection from you? How so?

• Do past wounds ever get in the way of your ability to feel included, desired or wanted by your spouse?

• Do past injuries interfere with your ability to express affection—or to accept affection—from your mate?

• Do you sometimes feel that you’re struggling too hard to control your partner because you feel vulnerable?

• Do you sometimes feel that you’re struggling too hard to resist being controlled because you feel vulnerable?

• Are there ways that your spouse could help you to heal from past injuries? What healing things would you like him/her to do or say? How could you most effectively this request to your mate?

Source:  The Relationship Cure by John Gottman (Crown)

Listening to Understanding Must Precede Advice

Understanding Must Precede Advice

Mike finds his wife’s “explosion” of anger “unbearable.” When she gets angry, he tries to neutralize or fix her feelings. He often tries to problem solve before understanding why Stacey is upset. This makes Stacey feel dumb for experiencing and expressing her innate feelings. It also makes her feel like her emotional reality is something to be fixed and not legitimate.

The root of this conflict between Stacey and Mike can be found all the way back in their childhoods and how they were taught to view emotions.

For Stacey, her family was as okay with her feeling angry or sad as with her feeling joyful. All emotions were seen as legitimate and valuable—even the more difficult or less pleasant ones.

Mike’s family, on the other hand, instead of accepting emotions, tried to change them or prove to him that his feelings were “irrational.” As a result, any dark emotions overwhelm him, just as they did his family, and he seeks to control, suppress, and change them.

Since they view emotions so differently, Mike and Stacey both feel misunderstood when these darker emotions come up for either of them.

To understand each other better and create a more connected relationship, Dr. Gottman suggests using a weekly State of the Union meeting to start building the skills of attunement. Attunement is the capacity to be in harmony with your partner’s feelings. When couples attune to each other, they feel more connected and loved and have better sex.

In the first three installments of this State of the Union Column, we discussed the speaker’s responsibilities:

Speaker’s Role
A = Awareness
T = Tolerance
T = Transforming criticisms into wishes and positive needs

This week, we are now turning to the listener’s first responsibility in Dr. Gottman’s ATTUNE model:

Listener’s Role
U = Understanding
N = Non-Defensive Listening
E = Empathy

During his research, Dr. Gottman discovered that problem solving or giving your partner advice before understanding their feelings or perspective is counterproductive and actually interferes with reaching a resolution. Learning how to use conflict as an opportunity to understand and get to know each other better is a vital part of attunement.

The opportunity in negative emotions

In every close relationship there is the potential to share all emotions in their raw, ugly beauty, and, through that sharing, the opportunity to connect more deeply with your partner. But, if you grew up similarly to Mike and learned to dismiss or ignore your more difficult emotions, you may not feel comfortable embracing these emotional opportunities for connection.

The problem with dismissing emotions is that when emotions are banished they don’t vanish. As Susan David, Ph.D., says, bottling emotions leads to lower levels of well-being as well as high levels of depression and anxiety. It’s easy to see how this, over time, decreases the quality of your relationship.

I’ve heard many ask, “What is my partner trying to accomplish by being emotional?”

But what they are really asking is, “What is my partner trying to accomplish by showing negative emotions?”

I rarely, if ever, hear someone ask this question about emotions like joy, excitement, or passion. No one has an issue when their partner expresses those more positively perceived emotions.

Emotions are often labeled as problems when they are deemed to be one of the negative emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, disappointment, jealousy, loneliness, shame, and insecurity. Many believe that talking about these feelings will make things worse. This is false.

Emotions are as natural as breathing. They’re fleeting and messy and awful and wonderful, and they are all part of being human. All emotions are healthy—positive, negative, it doesn’t matter—unless we choose to bottle or brood over them. There is an evolutionary advantage to each and every emotion. And in today’s modern world, they offer insight into what we truly value.

My point is that all emotions are acceptable. As Dr. John Gottman says:

“Emotions have their own purpose and logic. Your partner cannot select which feelings to have. Their feelings come up unconsciously. If you can’t get beyond the belief that negative emotions are a waste of time and even dangerous, you will never be able to attune to your partner enough to have true intimacy.”

But, while all emotions are acceptable, all behavior is not.

By seeking to understand why your partner feels the way they do, you can learn a lot about them. By accepting their emotions and striving to learn more about why they feel the way they do, you build a bridge to greater connection.

Saying things like, “You’re making it a bigger deal than it is,” or “Calm down, you’re not thinking clearly,” are rarely effective. These statements only succeed in diminishing your partner and trivializing their emotional experience.

Instead try, “Please help me understand what has you so upset.” This approach provides an opportunity for you partner to process what they are feeling and for you to more deeply understand where your partner is coming from and who they are as a person.

Emotions are opportunities for intimacy. They are a gateway to building emotional connection and trust.

As the listener in your State of The Union, your first role is to seek understanding—to gain insight into the emotions your partner is feeling.

When I watch couples do this in my practice, both feel heard and emotionally closer. When one partner is unwilling to understand or let themselves be understood by their partner, the problems in their relationship fester and the disconnect and loneliness they feel increase. One of the biggest reasons this happens is due to the listening partner feeling responsible for making their partner happy.

Your partner’s feelings are not your responsibility

When Mike would listen to Stacey, he felt like it was his responsibility to transform her bad mood into a more positive, optimistic one.

He believed his role as her husband was to make her happy. When she was sad or frustrated, he would offer a way to solve the problem or tell her how he would choose to feel if he were in the same situation.

Big mistake.

By dismissing her feelings and telling her she is “blowing things out of proportion,” he made her feel as though she shouldn’t feel what she was feeling and that something was wrong with her.

Over time, she grew to resent him. This pushed them farther apart from each other. They started having less sex, were less playful with one another, and they started feeling like housemates instead of lovers.

What could Mike have done differently?

It goes back to attunement. It always goes back to attunement. Want to fix your relationship? Attune to each other. Want to deepen your bond and have greater intimacy? Attune to each other.

Mike didn’t need to problem solve or fix Stacey. He just needed to understand that she wanted to feel less alone.

For most of us, realizing we just have to understand and not problem solve is a huge relief. And the payoff is huge. When you attune, your partner feels safer with you. And when your partner feels safe, life is good. Sex is good. Your relationship becomes playful and joyous.

Over time, Mike learned that no harm would happen to their relationship if he simply listened to Stacey instead of giving advice. He learned to accept that he cannot control what she feels and that it is not his job to get his wife to cheer up, calm down, or develop a sense of humor. All she needs is for him to listen to her, understand her, and care.

Discover your partner’s uniqueness

The goal of attunement is to understand the unique, amazing, annoying, complex, frustrating, and fascinating person you are in a relationship with.

Any relationship between two people will have issues. No two people will ever agree on everything. And trying to turn your partner into you prevents you from growing yourself.

When you give up trying to change your partner into handling situations or problems like you, you can attune to them as they are and that’s when real intimacy blooms.

When seeking to understand your partner, it’s best to slow down and ask open-ended questions that help you understand them more. When you think you understand, then reflect back what you heard and ask your partner, “Did I get it right? Am I understanding you correctly?”

They may say yes or go on to explain some piece or aspect that you didn’t fully understand. If they do feel understood, there is one big question I love to have my couples ask that helps open up the deep emotions and the underlying meaning or cause of the conflict:

“Is there more to this?”

Our emotions, especially the feistier ones like anger, are like an iceberg. Underneath the surface of anger is fear, and when you melt away the fear, you uncover a well of sadness. So asking this question opens your partner up to sharing more about what’s buried deep inside.

The State of the Union weekly meeting is a dance. The goal of the listener is to appreciate your partner’s emotions: their meaning and history, and whatever events that may have escalated the conflict or hurt feelings.

When you seek to understand your partner, you gain access to a superpower that can transform the barriers of conflict that arise out of differences into bridges of intimacy.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/understanding-must-precede-advice/ By Kyle Benson

Nonviolent Comunication with Dr. Marshal Rosenberg (NVC) ~ A Basic Intro

Nonviolent Communication with Dr. Marshal Rosenberg- A Basic Introduction

Fine-Tune Your Relationship

Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty.

    1.    Treat your partner as you would your boss, best friend, or best customer.

    2.    Think about what your partner wants and give it to him or her.

    3.    Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be thoughtful. Remember how you acted when you wanted to win your partner over.

    4.    Pay attention to your appearance. Dress nicely; get into shape.

    5.    Express your thoughts carefully. Being married doesn't give anyone permission to let it all hang out.

    6.    Spend regular time together alone.

    7.    Look for ways to compliment your partner.

    8.    Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels good and it makes people feel loved.

    9.    Learn and practice communication skills. Relating successfully to another person requires a set of skills that can be learned.

    10.    Be polite. Just because you are married doesn't mean you can forget your manners.

    11.    When you want something, say please.

    12.    When your partner does something for you, say thank you.

    13.    When your partner comes home after a day at work, greet her at the door and say hello. Ask how her day went.

    14.    When your partner leaves for work in the morning, say goodbye and "I love you" or "Have a good day."

    15.    When your partner faces a challenge at work during the day, ask how it went when you get home.

    16.    During your evening meal together, avoid the temptation to watch television or read the paper or mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.

    17.    If you want to make plans that affect how your partner will be spending time, check with him first and make sure it's convenient.

    18.    When you ask your partner a question, make eye contact and listen to the answer.

    19.    When you disagree with something your partner says, pay attention to your response. Do you express your opinion without putting her down? You can express your opinion assertively rather than aggressively. For example, you can say, "I have another opinion. I think we should wait until spring to have the walls painted," rather than, "That's silly! We should wait until spring."

    20.    Pay attention to how much of your side of the conversation is asking questions versus making statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask more questions.

    21.    Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to open up and talk. Open-ended questions begin like this:

    a.    Tell me about...

    b.    What do you think of...

    c.    What was it like when...

    22.    Have you become passive with your partner because that's the easiest way to avoid conflict? Over time, this is not a good idea. You will inevitably begin to build up feelings of resentment because you are stifling your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. If you think you are choosing passive behavior too often, think about discussing it with your partner and asking him to help you be more assertive.

    23.    Researchers have found that people whose marriages last the longest have learned to separate from their families of origin (their own parents and siblings) and have appropriate, healthy boundaries. They value and honor their own privacy and separateness as a couple. This means they have regular, appropriate contact with their extended family, but that it is not excessive or stifling. How do you compare?

    24.    Check your communication with your partner and beware of using "You" messages. These are statements that begin with you. For example:

You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.

You shouldn't do that.

You should call me from the office and tell me when you'll be home.

Here is what you ought to do.

"You" messages are damaging because they make the other person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like you are talking down to him or her.

    25.    If you want to demonstrate to your partner that you respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with "I" messages instead. When you start your statement with "I," you are taking responsibility for the statement. It is less blameful and less negative than the "you" message.

You can use this formula: Your feelings + Describe the behavior + Effect on you. This is how an "I" message sounds: When I heard that you'd planned a weekend up north, I was confused about why you hadn't asked me first, so I could be sure to get the time off. It takes some practice and you have to stop and think about what you are going to say, but your marriage deserves to be handled with care.

    26.    Make a list of your partner's positive qualities. Share them with him and tell her why you think each is true.

    27.    Ask your partner to do the same for you.

    28.    Respect each other's private space. Over time, many couples let this slide.

    29.    As the years pass, many couples begin to feel like they are living in the same house, but have parallel lives. Their paths cross in fewer places. What is the trend in your relationship and what do you want to do about it?

Check out: Connect With Your Partner: A Practical Activity Guide For Couples http://a.co/5t74ez6

The Science of Love | John Gottman

World-renowned relationship expert John Gottman set forth to understand why relationships don’t work, but for that he needed to first understand relationships scientifically. Gottman then measured the behavior, perception and physiology of couples over time to understand how love works. With that he was able to create equations for love and discern the mathematical dynamics of love. His science was able to predict with a 90% accuracy whether relationships would last or not. Finally, his studies conclude that the magic of love requires calm and commitment, which in the end makes the magic of great love a bit less of a mystery. John Gottman speaks about how his scientific research has now created a new understanding of all love relationships (heterosexual and same-sex), across the entire life span. He describes the new LOVE EQUATIONS, and the magic trio of calm, trust, and commitment. For more, visit The Gottman Institute at https://www.gottman.com/. World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, and Psychology Today. Co-founder of The Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John is a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington where he founded ”The Love Lab" at which much of his research on couples interactions was conducted. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Telemedicine: https://doxy.me/dream SUPER EASY to Connect (United Healthcare and Aetna Accepted)

Online Therapy

Online Therapy in Florida

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We are here for you through the COVID19 pandemic and going forward.

Telemedicine has the potential to change the world by making it easier and more affordable for healthcare providers to care for their patients anywhere, including rural and underserved areas. We believe everyone should have access to care through telemedicine.

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Secure data transmission and patient privacy is a top priority. We utilize state-of-the-art security and encryption protocols, making https://doxy.me/dream compliant with HIPAA and HITECH requirements.

Telemedicine should complement, not replace, traditional care delivery

A strong doctor-patient relationship is the foundation for high-quality patient care and reducing health care costs. Doxy.me provides a simple and convenient way for healthcare providers to meet with their patients remotely, improving the health care experience.

We’re changing telemedicine, so we can change the world one family at a time. https://doxy.me/dream

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Coronavirus & ALL THE THINGS: Working, Parenting, And Mandatory Homeschooling

March 20, 2020

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D

Homeschooling Mom, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage and Family Therapist, Supreme Court Certified Family Law Mediator, Agile Learning Center Co-founder a 501C(3) Real Life ALC where Learning Is Found Everywhere, Entrepreneur, Author, Psychotherapist, Lifetime Learner...

 www.SouthTampaCounselor.com  agilelearningcenters.org/ www.RealLifeALC.org

In the midst of all of the Coronavirus chaos, many parents suddenly have the task of homeschooling while adjusting to a new life of managing work life balance. Like so many of my homeschool parenting friends around the country, I have been working full time, parenting, and homeschooling for a decade. Doing all of the above while preparing to support my family through this crisis is even more overwhelming.

This is one of the most disruptive catastrophic events for our society as a whole. 

The thing about life in pandemic culture: parents and children are FORCED to adjust to this new balance of school and work life without having much of a choice. In contrast, I chose this way of life.

Homeschooling can be a brave new world for many families — a life decision that was forced and with no forewarning. And like me, parents everywhere are grappling with homeschooling while trying to go to work or work remotely. Not to mention, the challenges for parents whose work requires them to be physically present, single parents, other issues which force families to seek child care, and even worse; unemployment. 

Some schools are providing resources while many others may not. Either way, parents are left with several challenges: managing new ways of working, educating their children, all the while struggling with the fears of balancing their children’s learning, social media, and video games while keeping jobs and careers on track.

I have lived this homeschool lifestyle by choice pre-mandate and I would like to offer my insight, experience and support network during this trying time.

I find that communication can be at the center of co-creating our day to day flow together as a family. Communicating in a compassionate way and mirroring or modeling healthy ways of interacting and functioning is a core way of creating positive connections which fosters cooperation. It is much more beneficial to start all of this change intrinsically by modeling healthy responses and interactions. 

The message is in the model! If your family thrives on a schedule, set alerts to keep everyone on track. If your family goes with the flow, go with it and feel your way through this.

Trying to control our children out of fear and anxiety will almost always back fire. So, if you feel like tension is escalating and your connections with your children is going haywire. Check-in with yourself first! 

Find out:

1. What you are actually reacting to?

2. How you are feeling (Your actual emotion and how your body is feeling)?

3. What core need or value is not being met (All negative feelings are clues that you have an unmeet need ALWAYS)?

4. MOST IMPORTANTLY: What you specifically want to see happen? (We usually know more about what we don’t want or don’t like… I am asking you to shift your energy from negativity to focusing on what you DO WANT. Ask for it and be specific).

Our thoughts produce our feelings, emotions, and moods. Therefore, if we change the way we think about a difficult situation then we change the way we feel. Not always easy, I know!  Self empathy and awareness is the key.

Carving out space and time for everyone to come into dialogue about working together as a team to get through this transition can be very empowering. Our children have a primary need for play, freedom, and choice. Let’s empower our children by letting them make more choices about when they want to learn what they need to learn to meet their goals, your goals as a family, and the collective goals of our community.

These next weeks and months may really have an impact on everyone's life. We all have the choice in how we each respond to the impact. Let’s be intentional instead of reactionary.

To minimize disruption to our children’s education, consider keeping an agile schedule, a list of intentions and goals to meet each day, week or month. It is also helpful for parents to be transparent with their children about their own feeling, needs, intention and goals. The more that we can create mutual agreements the better we are at achieving goals.

This may help keep expectations clear, and prevent kids and parents from disconnecting. Connecting and spending quality time together as well as balancing work, studies, and self care is the glue. When we stay connected, we can deal with anything that comes our way. When we feel disconnected, even the littlest things become bigger issues.

We are learning all the time and video streaming is also an opportunity for us all to learn about working remotely for our careers as well as for our children to socialize, play and collaborate together through educational, video streaming, and gaming platforms. We could look at this as an opportunity to connect, spend quality time virtually, and learn with one another.

My children have connected through FaceTime with our best friends from across the country more in the last few days than we have in months. I invite this reconnection. It feels comforting. 

Throughout this journey, distractions and interruptions will occur when there is little separation between work, home and school. Pause. Breathe through the difficult moments. Hit the reset button. And try to focus on the positive request and simply ask for what you want to see happen. This sets the stage for compromise.

Being our best selves will be the best teaching experiences for our children. In other words, as we learn, our children will also learn — by example. Wishing everyone the very best and I invite anyone to reach out to bounce around ideas, share different experiences and to give and receive support form one another. 

Please feel free to reach out to me personally (text me at 813-240-3237), comment below, and connect to our broader ALC network.

Thank you SO very much ABBY in New York for being so passionate about the ALC Family! We appreciate you! Here is a link to Abby’s resources: nycagile.org/covid-19-resources/

Subject-specific Study Resources We Already Use and Love

• Crash Course! – video lessons for many different subjects, often 30+ videos per series – https://www.youtube.com/user/crashcourse

• Khan Academy – online courses, most popular in our community for math and art history – https://www.khanacademy.org/

• Duolingo – language learning app we use for German, Spanish, Hebrew, and French

• Libby – the public library’s app for getting e-books and audiobooks on your personal device

• TED-Ed – video lessons such as “The Science of Spiciness” and “The History of the World According to Cats” – https://ed.ted.com/

• MOOCs like EdX and Coursera! – massive open online courses on all kinds of subjects, often with optional completion certificates available – https://www.edx.org/ and https://www.coursera.org/courses?query=mooc

  Guides

• “A mini clearinghouse on on coronavirus created by school librarians” featuring health guides and suggestions of where to find online books, videos, and subject-study content: https://www.slj.com/?detailStory=mini-clearinghouse-on-coronavirus-covid-19-created-by-school-librarians

• Guide and resources for professors and other educators moving courses online, from Dr. Katherine Chen <3 https://docs.google.com/document/d/1g92elQ7e4LG0KoWhr-WEfjL3mMeVeF59mWBTOEcXhpo/edit?usp=sharing

• The brilliant Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha and Mia Mingus’s “Mutual Aid and Survival” resources https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1l_xCQmi3NnK0A_1Urnb1W0-Xs53-LMZI?fbclid=IwAR3a3LrXTckW5ZzRycuISS_We_9Qm6JwjVkgXjTXDOOniMp_D_Xefuu-5IQ

• adrienne maree brown’s suggestions of where to guide your attention http://adriennemareebrown.net/2020/03/10/additional-resources-for-facing-coronavirus-covid19/

• “Teachable” offerings to support subject-specific study https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t4m5rlyJLVc7UFoste1CHREZz1zlTpEi68i6Gzk_eNI/edit

• Low-tech and littles focused home activities suggestions https://docs.google.com/document/d/1o6kEgCKLn3cyIm2hehhhSTIk7yRTd0C3zx49JS4wwCI/edit?usp=sharing&fbclid=IwAR1ENCSCjbbIzg76cbc5xMfJPNHRxkyHWOTb4yfhwy3KbKVovnRo3OYI84Q

• Dori Midnight’s gorgeous and reassuring poem “Wash Your Hands” https://dorimidnight.com/uncategorized/wash-your-hands/ which we were grateful to encounter through the Healing Justice Podcast episode https://www.healingjustice.org/podcast/corona

• Freelance Artists’ Resource guide https://covid19freelanceartistresource.wordpress.com/

The ALC Network Main Website: agilelearningcenters.org/

Anxiety & Uncertainty surrounding the coronavirus (COVID-19)

At South Tampa Therapy my main concern is the well being of my clients. I understand the anxiety and uncertainty you may be experiencing surrounding the coronavirus (COVID-19) and am committed to being responsive to your needs as the situation evolves. 

If you would prefer to change your upcoming in-person appointment to a phone or video session, please text (813) 240-3237, or email me at elizabethmahaney@gmail.com. Sessions can also be rescheduled on-line.

In the meantime, I encourage you to stay educated about the situation through trusted information sites, and by washing your hands frequently. For additional information about COVID-19 visit the Centers for Disease Control at cdc.gov

Start Your Day with a Clear Intention

 Personal Growth Reflections  Intentions Self-Awareness

Starting your day with a clear intention can make all the difference, helping you to stay centered, aware, and focused as the day unfolds. Read on to learn more about the power of intention—and gain valuable tips on how to set specific, clear intentions that will help you fulfill your deepest yearnings and desires.

Peace.

Get grounded.

Connect with my breath.

Be present with my child.

Finish that project.

Meditate for 10 minutes.

Call my mom.

Compassion.

Go for a run.

Practice Yoga.

Drink two glasses of water before breakfast.

Complete two tasks from my to-do list by the end of the day.

Courage.

Do nothing.

Be kind.

You know what it feels like to start the day on the wrong foot. A thoughtless comment from your partner, an inconsolable crying baby, worries about an upcoming deadline, or an anxiety attack upon waking can rock your world and leave you feeling raw or unnerved. When you wake up this way, it can make your day feel impossibly challenging. What if you started your day on a better foot? What if you started your day with purpose? Beginning your day with a clear intention, such as one of those listed above, or one that you develop on your own, can shift your energy toward the positive.

What Is an Intention?

Intentions can guide us. According to teacher and author Mallika Chopra, an intention is like a seed that already contains the essence of what it will eventually become. When you plant your seed of intention and nourish it with your attention, you start to notice all of the people, events, and situations that can guide you to experience greater happiness and well-being.

An intention can be as simple and specific as “get out of bed by 6:30 a.m.” or “meditate each evening for the next week” or “make that doctor’s appointment by noon tomorrow.” Your intention can also be broader, such as a quality you wish to cultivate more of in your life, including present-moment awareness, self-compassion, wholeness, and faith.

If you have taken a yoga class or participated in a guided meditation, then you may be familiar with the teacher asking you to set an intention at the beginning of your practice. This intention can help to guide your practice and positively influence how you experience your time. Similarly, setting an intention at the outset of your day can affect how you experience all the hours that follow.

Starting your day with a clear intention can set the tone for your day ahead. When you have an intention in mind, you may be better able to stay aligned with your values. Then throughout the day, when your values will undoubtedly be tested, you will have better access to them when they are most needed. Consider the example of setting trust as your intention for your day ahead. Then, if you can’t find your keys as you head out the door, or you walk outside to a flat tire, or you miss an important phone call by one minute, you can remember to trust and move forward from there. Tapping back into the intention you set at the beginning of your day can help you remain calm and present as you deal with life’s inevitable upsets.

Here are a few ways to develop your intention, as well as some more tips to prepare yourself to stay on an intentional track throughout the day.

1. Get Clear on Your Values

Maybe you are interested in setting an intention for your day but you are not sure where to begin. Getting clear on your values can be a great place to start. Your values are your principles or standards of belief—your judgment about what is important in life. Vulnerability researcher and author Brené Brown writes that when we live our values, “We walk our talk—we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviors align with those beliefs.” Brown supplies a list of values you can consider for your life. Your intention for your day or week or month or year can be chosen directly from one of your values or it can be an action or goal inspired by one of your values.

2. Get Clear on Your Desires

Maybe you are interested in setting an intention for your day but you are not sure what you want. How can you focus on an intention if you are not clear on what you want and intend? Author and teacher Danielle LaPorte suggests setting goals based on how you want to feel. She writes, “You get to choose how you feel … and shape your reality—it’s the ultimate self-agency. Our feelings inform our thoughts. And our thoughts inform our behavior. Feel. Perceive. Act. Change your feelings, and you could change everything.”

Get clear on how you want to feel in all the aspects of your life, including your health, livelihood, relationships, spirituality, creativity, and community. Then set some solid intentions from there.

3. Set Your Intention Before You Get Out of Bed

The morning soon after you wake is a wonderful time to set an intention. During sleep, your body and brain engage in many activities for repair and renewal, including releasing toxins, regenerating cells, balancing hormones, and consolidating memories. Your body is primed for a new day and while it may be necessary to shake off the inertia of sleep before learning something new or making a big decision, the morning brain is generally receptive.

If the first thing you do upon waking is to listen to the news or scroll through social media, your mind is tuning in to negative images, comparisons, and external messages to focus on first thing. On the other hand, if you set yourself up for some personal reflection, intention setting, or positive awareness at the outset of your day, then you have more agency about where your day will head. As you move through your day, you will be responding to outside stimuli through the lens of your intention rather than simply reacting.

Begin your intention setting practice before you even get out of bed. Upon waking, take several deep breaths and allow yourself a few sweet moments to fully awaken. Place your hands on your body—your heart and belly if that is comfortable for you—and feel your breath. Consider what is present for you this morning. Consider all the demands the day will bring. Carve out these first few minutes of the day for some self-care or positive affirmations. Call in your intention based on what arises for you. If necessary, set an alarm for five minutes before you really need to get up to make this self-care time possible.

Helpful Hint: Set yourself up for success by preparing the night before during your restful sleep routine: put your phone out of reach so you won’t be tempted to reach for it the first thing in the morning, set your journal near your bed for morning intention setting, and prepare to awaken with natural lighting if possible.

4. Stay Focused on Your Intention

But are intentions enough? You’re likely familiar with the aphorism “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” You didn’t mean to hurt your mom’s feelings. You didn’t intend to eat all of the leftovers. You certainly didn’t mean to offend anyone with your ill-timed joke. But you did. According to Yale psychiatry professor John Bargh, despite your values and intentions, you may sometimes “get blown off course by the powerful unconscious motivations and environmental cues that also influence what we do.”

You may set your intention in the morning as healthy eating, but then someone brings donuts to work. You may set your intention as “peace” and then another driver cuts you off, your heart rate immediately increases, and you react with anger. You may set your intention in the morning as “love” and then your partner forgets that you are working late and you feel the irritation rise and the loving feelings dissolve. Indeed, intentions need support to be maintained. This means that even if you wake up with clear, strong intentions, it is crucial to have reminders and tricks to stay on track.

Writing yourself a reminder note in your phone, keeping a little note folded in your wallet, or texting an accountability buddy each morning with your intention can help you stay mindful of your intention throughout the day.

5. Make It Creative and Fun

Here are some other ways to get inspiration for intentions and to make them sustainable throughout your day.

• Draw an oracle card. Ask the cards what you might need to know for your day ahead and let the message or image on the card guide you from there.

• Practice a guided meditation. Allow the message or insight from a guided meditation inspire an intention for your day ahead.

• Be grateful. When in doubt, move forward in your day with the intention to look for as many people and things to be grateful for as possible. You will thank yourself for it.

• Move your body. Integrate your intention into your cells with yoga, running, dancing, or any mindful, meditative movement.

• Make a small note in your phone or set an alarm with a note that reminds you of your intention at certain times throughout the day.

• Write a small note that you carry in your wallet or your pocket and look at it frequently throughout the day.

• Text, email, or call an accountability buddy each morning with your intention. This person may be able to help you stay mindful of your intention throughout the day. Or if you know me, you’d hear me say, “add it to your Trello accountability board”.

Whether your intention is grand or small, personal or professional, set it at the beginning of your day. Starting your day with a clear intention can influence the flow of your day so it may as well be self-determined and nourished with your own positivity. Set your to-do list aside and use your values, core desired feelings, and life goals to inspire your intention for your day. Set your intention first thing and watch your best life unfold before your eyes.

Our Empathy Brain with Sarah Peyton

Often, if we reveal the negative ways we think or speak to ourselves, people respond by saying “You just have to be nicer to yourself.”


This sounds simple, but our friendly advice-giver is not providing any helpful hints about how we actually DO this – how do we actually go about being kinder to ourselves?


Hearing some one telling us to "just be nicer," we might feel a little embarrassed, and we might be stuck promising ourselves yet again not to reveal how much we struggle with self-criticism, self-scorn or even self-loathing.


I am certainly well-acquainted with this pattern.


I lived with it for years, torn between the need for honest expression, the hope for some sort of support, and the recurring embarrassment of being told what to do without any information on how to do it.


Over the years of traveling the world teaching about the brain science of relationships, I have also met a lot of other folks who have heard similar comments, even from their therapists, telling them to be nicer to themselves, without any discussion of how to go about it.


What skills and knowledge can help us be kinder?

(1.) Realize that the critical or cruel internal voice might be trying to serve us.


One way it may try to help is by criticizing us for NOT being the things we "SHOULD" be -- it may tell us we need to be faster, smarter, more graceful, or more good-looking so that people will like us, so that we will belong.


Can you thank you inner voice for it’s desire to support you?


(2.) Let yourself wonder what your critical inner voice wants.


Meeting ourselves with curiosity about our deep underlying longings and needs is one of the skills that is absolutely necessary for self-kindness!


Direct questions like "what do you want" usually do not yield any answers...


(3.) Start to notice that shame makes us smaller, and it may have been really important to stay small in order to survive when you were little.


Perhaps that critical voice is trying to shame us into submission, to keep a low profile so that no one will notice us or attack us, and so that we can survive.


Can you envision your shame as a protective, well-intentioned strategy to help you find belonging or safety?


Gently ask your critical inner voice whether it might be trying to shame you, to make you small. Be gentle and curious, and see what answers you discover.


Why is it essential to learn our patterns of self-criticism?


Because as we begin to take a bird’s eye view of the self, we start to take ourselves less seriously.


We start to understand that our critical inner voice is not actually telling us the truth, as we believed for so many years.


Instead, we start to see that self-criticism is always a strategy for self-management. We just need to learn what the pattern is!


If this has started to engage your curiosity, and you haven’t already ordered a copy of my book Your Resonant Self, it is for you.


Spend the next week in this new kind of dialogue with your inner critic, listening for what it really wants for you, rather than hearing the desire for compliance with insane standards that you have always thought you wanted for yourself.


“Our critical inner voice is not actually telling us the truth – it’s trying to keep us safe.”

How to Have Better Conversations with Your Partner and Others

Do you want to create a richer connection with your partner? To have those conversations that are intimate and meaningful? Are you shutting down opportunities for a deeper relationship with someone you love by the way you talk with them?

Wait, I’m sorry. Let me try those questions again.

How do you connect better with people? Recount a time when you had a meaningful conversation. What kinds of questions elicit a deeper engagement?

We all have conversations with people who are not gifted in connecting, and maybe we struggle to connect in conversations. Connecting through conversation is integral to any relationship, and our questions often determine the quality of that engagement. The key to asking engaging questions may be simpler than you think.

There’s a colloquial expression: it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Although the tone of our questions is important, the actual questions themselves are the key to engaging conversations. Read the first paragraph of this article again. How can someone respond to the questions in this first paragraph? They are all closed-ended questions, which typically prompt simple one-word answers, so what you say does matter.

My favorite Saturday Night Live skit comes from The Chris Farley Show, where he painstakingly struggles to interview his famous guests. He labors through interview questions that all begin with, “Do you remember…?” Leaving the famous interviewee to blandly respond, “Yes. Yes, I do.”

The point of the skit is to show how poor Farley is in interviewing his guests, barraging them with yes-or-no questions that cause the audience to feel the lack of connection or depth. It’s brilliantly hilarious, but also terrifyingly familiar.

All of us have been the one uncomfortably asking questions of the person we want to impress or connect with, only to find ourselves running the conversation into a brick wall. These types of questions narrow down the possible responses to a version of either yes or no. When you ask closed-ended questions, you lead your conversation partner down a path that severely limits opportunity for depth and connection.

So, in what ways are closed-ended questions a part of those conversations? How can we free ourselves from this limited way of speaking?

How to Ask Open-Ended Questions

There is a very simple strategy in how you talk with your loved ones that can enhance your ability to create better conversations—especially with your partner—and that is to ask open-ended questions. The idea of open-ended questions comes from Miller and Rollnick’s Motivational Interviewing, which is a widely accepted form of dialogue that enhances the participant’s motivation to accept change. But open-ended questions are not only good for therapy; they are also key to fostering engaging conversations in our everyday lives.

To better enhance the opportunity for deeper, richer conversation, according to Miller and Rollnick, you have to work on your phrasing of questions. Open-ended means that the questions cannot be appropriately answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Open-ended questions do not begin with “do” or “did,” which generally prompt a simple answer; open-ended types of questions usually begin with these words:

• How did you…

• In what ways…

• Tell me about…

• What’s it like…

If you have a teenage child, imagine asking them this question at the end of the day: “Did you have a good day today?” Do you think that will prompt a thrilling conversation where your teen opens up to you about all their hopes and dreams? Of course it won’t. Instead, you could try: “In what ways did you feel accomplished today?”

Asking open-ended questions encourages the person you’re conversing with to think critically and therefore to be more engaging, because open-ended questions allow the respondent, not the asker, to control the response.

Try reading the second paragraph of this article again, and notice how the paragraph is entirely comprised of open-ended questions that require much more critical thought than the questions in the first paragraph. You are invited to self-reflect and to dive into descriptive answers that are ripe for follow-up questions. In using more open-ended questions in conversation, you invite people to talk with you rather than talk to you. That is the recipe for better conversations.

When it comes to romantic relationships, asking open-ended questions is especially important, and The Gottman Institute’s methods encourage couples to ask open-ended questions of each other on a regular basis to deepen their intimacy. Let’s imagine those moments in a romantic relationship where connection is difficult, where busyness is the norm, yet you long for a rich conversation with your partner like you used to have.

You turn to your partner and ask, “Do you feel happy with our relationship right now?” How does someone begin to answer this question when it might seem so reductive? Let’s reword this question to be more open-ended and see how it evokes conversation: “In what ways do you feel happy with our relationship?” This open-ended example provides a much more constructive setting to better know what is going well in the relationship.

Which brings us to this: better conversation is more vulnerable and more intimate conversation. It is very difficult to share your thoughts and emotions by answering closed-ended questions, but with open-ended questions, the door for deeper connectedness is flung wide open. Granted, you cannot force someone to be open and honest and share their deeper selves, but you can create an atmosphere that invites deeper connection.

Open-ended questions require us to be engaged in what we are saying. And when we are engaged in what we are saying, we create better and more meaningful conversation.

Holding Space for Others

What Does it Mean to ‘Hold Space’ for Someone Else?

It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. We don’t want to change the way a person feels. We want to understand how they feel and communicate our understanding. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.

Sometimes we find ourselves holding space for people while they hold space for others. It’s virtually impossible to be a strong space holder unless we have others who will hold space for us. Even the strongest therapists, leaders, coaches, nurses, etc., need to know that there are some people with whom they can be vulnerable and weak without fear of being judged.

In my own roles as therapist, agile learning facilitator, co-founder, supervisor, mother, partner, daughter, sister, and friend, etc., I do my best to hold space for other people. It’s not always easy because I have a very human tendency to want to help/ fix people, give them advice, or encourage them for not being further along the path than they are, but I keep trying because I know that it’s important. At the same time, there are people in my life that I trust and they understand what it means to hold space for me including my partner, colleagues, ALC co-facilitators, interns, friends, and family.

To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for). We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes.

Holding space is not something that’s exclusive to therapists, facilitators, coaches, or palliative care nurses. It is something that ALL of us can do for each other–for our partners, children, friends, neighbors, and even strangers who strike up conversations as we’re living daily life.

What I Learned about Holding Space for Others

Here are the lessons I’ve learned from my experiences and from others who have held space for me.

Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom. 

Give people only as much information as they can handle. 

Don’t take their power away–empower them instead. When we take decision-making power out of people’s hands, we leave them feeling useless and incompetent. There may be some times when we need to step in and make hard decisions for other people (ie. when they’re dealing with an addiction and an intervention feels like the only thing that will save them), but in almost every other case, people need the autonomy to make their own choices (even our children). It is important that my clients and others feel empowered in making decisions, and so I offer support but never try to directly pressure or control.

Try to keep your own ego out of it. This is a big one. We all get caught in that trap now and then–when we begin to believe that someone else’s success is dependent on our intervention, or when we think that their failure reflects poorly on us, or when we’re convinced that whatever emotions they choose to unload on us are about us instead of them. It’s a trap I’ve occasionally found myself slipping into when I counsel or teach at the ALC. I can become more concerned about my own success (Do the students or my clients like me? Do their marks or progress reflect on my ability to teach or counsel? Etc.) than about the success of my students or clients. But that doesn’t serve anyone–not even me. To truly support their growth, I need to keep my ego out of it and create the space where they have the opportunity to grow and learn.

Make them feel safe enough to fail. When people are learning, growing, or going through grief or transition, they are bound to make some mistakes along the way. When we, as their space holders, withhold judgement and shame, we offer them the opportunity to reach inside themselves to find the courage to take risks and the resilience to keep going even when they fail. When we let them know that failure is simply a part of the journey and not the end of the world, they’ll spend less time beating themselves up for it and more time learning from their mistakes. Self-empathy and self-compassion are tremendous assets to our lives.

Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness. A wise space holder knows when to withhold guidance (ie. when it makes a person feel foolish and inadequate) and when to offer it gently (ie. when a person asks for it or is too lost to know what to ask for). This is a careful dance that we all must do when we hold space for other people. Recognizing the areas in which they feel most vulnerable and incapable and offering the right kind of help without shaming them takes practice and humility.

Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. When people feel that they are held in a deeper way than they are used to, they feel safe enough to allow complex emotions to surface that might normally remain hidden. Someone who is practiced at holding space knows that this can happen and will be prepared to hold it in a gentle, supportive, and nonjudgmental way.

The space is where people feel safe enough to fall apart without fearing that this will leave them permanently broken or that they will be shamed by others in the room. Someone is always there to offer strength and courage. This is not easy work, and it is work that I continue to learn about as I host increasingly more challenging conversations. We cannot do it if we are overly emotional ourselves, if we haven’t done the hard work of looking into our own shadow, or if we don’t trust the people we are holding space for.

Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. Holding space is about respecting each person’s differences and recognizing that those differences may lead to them making choices that we would not make. Sometimes, for example, they make choices based on cultural norms that we can’t understand from within our own experience. When we hold space, we release control and we honor differences.

Holding space is not something that we can master overnight, or that can be adequately addressed in a list of tips like the ones I’ve just offered. It’s a complex practice that evolves as we practice it, and it is unique to each person and each situation.

Holding space means to be with someone without judgment. To donate your ears and heart without wanting anything back. To practice empathy and compassion. To accept someone’s truth, no matter what they are. To allow and accept. Embrace with two hands instead of pointing with one finger. To come in neutral. Open. For them. Not you. Holding space means to put your needs and opinions aside and allow someone to just be. Her. Self! XxOo :)