Understanding Domestic Violence in Relationships

Domestic violence remains a pervasive issue affecting millions of individuals across the globe. Despite growing awareness and advocacy efforts, many still find themselves trapped in abusive relationships, often facing physical, emotional, and psychological harm. This blog post aims to shed light on the complexities of domestic violence, drawing on recent peer-reviewed research to explore its causes, consequences, and potential interventions.

Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence (IPV), refers to behaviors by one partner aimed at exerting power and control over another within a relationship. These behaviors can manifest as physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional manipulation, economic control, and psychological intimidation. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), domestic violence is a global public health issue, with one in three women experiencing physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner at some point in their lives (WHO, 2021).

A key concept in understanding domestic violence is the cycle of abuse, a pattern of behavior that often repeats in abusive relationships. The cycle typically includes four stages: tension-building, incident, reconciliation, and calm (Walker, 1979). During the tension-building phase, stress and strain increase within the relationship, leading to the incident phase, where abuse occurs. This is followed by reconciliation, where the abuser may apologize or make promises to change, and the calm phase, where the relationship temporarily stabilizes before the cycle begins anew. Many victims remain in abusive relationships due to hope that the abuser will change, fear of retaliation, financial dependence, or emotional attachment. A study by Johnson et al. (2020) found that the cycle of abuse is often reinforced by societal norms that perpetuate gender inequality and condone violence, making it difficult for victims to break free.

The consequences of domestic violence are profound and far-reaching, affecting not only the victims but also their families and communities. Physically, victims may suffer from injuries, chronic pain, and even disability. Psychologically, they are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and suicidal ideation (Campbell et al., 2021). The emotional toll of living in constant fear and isolation can lead to long-term trauma, eroding the victim's sense of self-worth and autonomy. Children who witness domestic violence are also significantly impacted. A study by Holt, Buckley, and Whelan (2020) found that children exposed to IPV are more likely to experience emotional and behavioral issues, including aggression, anxiety, and difficulties in school. Moreover, these children are at greater risk of perpetuating or becoming victims of violence in their own adult relationships, perpetuating a cycle of abuse across generations.

Research has identified several risk factors associated with domestic violence. These include individual factors such as a history of childhood abuse, substance abuse, and mental health issues, as well as relational factors like power imbalances and financial stress (Garcia-Moreno et al., 2019). Social and cultural factors also play a significant role. Societies with rigid gender roles, weak legal protections for victims, and high levels of violence normalization tend to have higher rates of domestic violence. Economic dependence is another critical factor. Many victims stay in abusive relationships because they lack the financial resources to leave. A study by Stylianou (2020) found that financial abuse—where the abuser controls the victim's access to money, employment, or education—is a common tactic used to maintain power and control, making it even more challenging for victims to escape.

Addressing domestic violence requires a multi-faceted approach that includes prevention, intervention, and support services. Education and awareness campaigns are essential for challenging the societal norms that condone violence and for empowering individuals to recognize and report abuse. Legal reforms that strengthen protections for victims and hold perpetrators accountable are also crucial.

Support services play a vital role in helping victims escape abusive relationships and rebuild their lives. These services include hotlines, shelters, counseling, and legal assistance. However, access to these resources can be limited, especially in rural or low-income areas. A study by Katerndahl et al. (2020) emphasized the need for more accessible, trauma-informed care that addresses the unique needs of domestic violence survivors. Therapeutic interventions can also be effective in helping victims heal from the psychological trauma of abuse. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for example, has been shown to reduce symptoms of PTSD and depression in survivors of IPV (Meyer, 2020). Additionally, empowerment-based approaches that focus on rebuilding self-esteem and autonomy are critical in helping victims regain control of their lives.

Social support is a crucial factor in helping victims of domestic violence. Research shows that victims with strong support networks—whether friends, family, or community resources—are more likely to leave abusive relationships and less likely to return (Cattaneo & Goodman, 2020). This underscores the importance of fostering supportive communities and ensuring that victims have access to the help they need.

Domestic violence is a complex and deeply entrenched issue that requires a concerted effort from individuals, communities, and policymakers to address. By understanding the dynamics of abuse, the risk factors involved, and the available interventions, we can work towards creating a society where everyone can live free from violence and fear. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, it’s important to reach out for help—there are resources and people ready to support you.

References

Campbell, J. C., Webster, D., & Glass, N. (2021). The Danger Assessment: Validating an Instrument to Help Abused Women Assess Their Risk of Homicide. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 21(4), 558-574.

Cattaneo, L. B., & Goodman, L. A. (2020). What is empowerment anyway? A model for domestic violence practice, research, and evaluation. Psychology of Violence, 5(1), 84-94.

Garcia-Moreno, C., Hegarty, K., D’Oliveira, A. F. L., Koziol-McLain, J., Colombini, M., & Feder, G. (2019). The health-systems response to violence against women. The Lancet, 385(9977), 1567-1579.

Holt, S., Buckley, H., & Whelan, S. (2020). The impact of exposure to domestic violence on children and young people: A review of the literature. Child Abuse & Neglect, 32(8), 797- 810.

Johnson, M. P., & Leone, J. M. (2020). The differential effects of intimate terrorism and situational couple violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Journal of Family Issues, 26(3), 322-349.

Katerndahl, D. A., Burge, S. K., & Kellogg, N. (2020). Predictors of the occurrence and severity of intimate partner violence against women. Journal of Family Violence, 20(2), 103-109.

Meyer, S. (2020). Seeking help for intimate partner violence: Victims’ experiences when approaching the criminal justice system for IPV-related support and protection in an Australian jurisdiction. Feminist Criminology, 16(1), 3-21.

Stylianou, A. M. (2020). Economic abuse within intimate partner violence: A review of the literature. Violence and Victims, 33(1), 3-22.

Walker, L. E. (1979). The battered woman. New York: Harper & Row.

World Health Organization (WHO). (2021). Violence against women prevalence estimates, 2018: Global, regional and national prevalence estimates for intimate partner violence against women and global and regional prevalence estimates for non-partner sexual violence against women. WHO.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please seek help.

By Hailey Oliver, MA, MHCI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/HaileyOliver

A Deep Dive into Colleen Hoover's "It Ends with Us": A Conversation on Domestic Violence

Colleen Hoover's It Ends with Us isn’t just another romance novel—it’s a deeply moving story that delves into the complexities of love, the painful realities of abuse, and the courage it takes to break free from a toxic relationship. At its heart, the book sheds light on the often-hidden issue of domestic violence, an experience that affects millions of people around the world.

The story centers around Lily Bloom, a young woman who seems to have everything going for her—a fulfilling career, a lovely home, and a blossoming relationship with Ryle Kincaid, a successful neurosurgeon. But as their relationship progresses, Lily is forced to confront the darker side of her seemingly perfect romance. She begins to see parallels between her relationship with Ryle and the abusive patterns she witnessed in her parents’ marriage. Through Lily’s journey, Hoover paints a vivid picture of the emotional and psychological struggles that victims of domestic violence face, pushing readers to grapple with the complexities of why someone might stay in or leave an abusive relationship.

One of the most impactful elements of It Ends with Us is its depiction of the cycle of abuse. Hoover doesn’t hold back in showing how abuse often starts subtly, growing more severe over time. Ryle is initially portrayed as a loving and caring partner, but as his anger issues surface, the relationship takes a darker turn. Hoover masterfully illustrates how abusers can swing between intense affection and episodes of violence, trapping victims in a confusing and painful cycle. Lily’s internal battle is one that will resonate with many who have experienced domestic violence. Despite Ryle's abusive behavior, she struggles with her love for him and the hope that he might change. Through Lily, Hoover sends an important message: leaving an abusive relationship is far more complicated than it might appear to outsiders. The emotional ties, the hope for change, and the fear of the unknown all contribute to a victim’s decision to stay.

The novel also explores how family history shapes our understanding of relationships. Lily’s view of love is heavily influenced by the abuse she witnessed between her parents. As a child, she saw her mother endure physical and emotional abuse from her father, an experience that leaves deep scars. Hoover delves into how these early experiences influence Lily’s adult relationships and her tolerance for unacceptable behavior. This exploration of intergenerational trauma underscores the importance of breaking the cycle of abuse, not just for oneself, but for future generations. Lily’s journey is ultimately one of empowerment, as she makes the difficult decision to end the cycle of violence in her life, even if it means letting go of her relationship with Ryle.

Empowerment is perhaps the most significant theme in It Ends with Us. Lily’s choice to leave Ryle is depicted as an act of immense strength and self-respect. Hoover emphasizes that walking away from an abusive relationship is not a sign of weakness, but of courage. Lily’s decision to prioritize her own well-being and that of her future child over her love for Ryle sends a powerful message: it is possible to break free from the cycle of abuse, and doing so is a vital step toward reclaiming one’s life. The book also highlights that healing is a process. Lily’s path to recovery isn’t straightforward; she experiences moments of doubt, guilt, and sadness. But throughout it all, she remains committed to creating a life free from violence. This honest portrayal of the aftermath of abuse is crucial in understanding the long-term impact of domestic violence and the resilience required to overcome it.

It Ends with Us has sparked meaningful conversations about domestic violence, especially within the context of romantic relationships. Hoover’s portrayal of Lily’s experience resonates with many readers who have faced similar situations or know someone who has. The book encourages empathy and understanding, urging readers to look beyond the surface and appreciate the complexities involved in abusive relationships.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please seek help.

By Hailey Oliver, MA, MHCI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/HaileyOliver

Breaking Negative Cycles in Relationships: An Attachment-Based Approach

In relationships, negative cycles can sometimes arise, leading to conflict and dissatisfaction. These cycles can take many forms, such as repetitive arguments, misunderstandings, or unmet emotional needs. Understanding these cycles through the lens of attachment theory can help us navigate them with greater compassion and awareness.

Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns

Attachment theory explains how our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, which in turn influence how we form and maintain relationships throughout life. There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. These styles can interact in various ways within a relationship, and when paired with stressors or miscommunications, they can contribute to negative cycles.

For example, an anxious partner may seek constant reassurance, while an avoidant partner may withdraw or become distant. This dynamic can lead to a cycle where one partner's need for closeness triggers the other's desire for space, resulting in feelings of rejection and frustration on both sides.

Both Partners' Contributions to Negative Cycles

It's important to recognize that both partners often play a role in perpetuating negative cycles. When one partner's actions provoke a reaction in the other, the response can then trigger another action in the first partner, creating a loop of conflict. This cycle can become self-reinforcing over time, with each partner becoming more entrenched in their respective patterns.

Shifting the Focus to Ourselves

While it can be tempting to focus on changing our partner, the most powerful impact often comes from examining our own role in the cycle. We can't control our partner, but we can control ourselves. By shifting our own actions and participation in the cycle, we can disrupt it and cause positive change.

Here are some steps we can take to shift our focus:

1. Self-awareness: Reflect on your own attachment style and patterns of behavior in the relationship. Understanding your triggers and responses can help you identify areas for growth.

2. Communicate openly: Share your feelings and concerns with your partner in a non-judgmental way. Practice active listening and validate their perspective to foster mutual understanding.

3. Set boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries that respect both your needs and your partner's. This can help prevent negative cycles from escalating.

4. Practice empathy: Try to see the situation from your partner's point of view. This can help you respond more compassionately and break the cycle of blame and defensiveness.

5. Model the change: Embody the qualities and behaviors you want to see in your partner. When you demonstrate patience, understanding, and respect, you set an example for your partner to follow.

The Ripple Effect of Change

By focusing on our own growth and modeling healthy behaviors, we can inspire change in our partner. As we break free from negative cycles and replace them with positive interactions, we create a ripple effect that can transform the entire relationship.

Remember, change takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work to break negative cycles and foster a more loving and secure relationship. By prioritizing self-awareness and empathy, you can create a foundation for lasting change and a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.

The Illusion of Control in Relationships: A Path to Autonomy and Acceptance

Control in relationships can give us a false sense of security, leading us to believe that by exerting influence over our partner, we can manage our needs and desires. However, this approach often has the opposite effect, pushing our partner further away and potentially causing resentment or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Let's explore why control is detrimental and how we can shift towards autonomy and acceptance instead.

The False Security of Control

The urge to control often stems from a desire to manage our emotions and meet our needs. We may think that by guiding our partner's actions or responses, we can create a sense of stability and predictability. This belief can be rooted in underlying fears of uncertainty or anxiety about unmet needs.

However, control is a double-edged sword. While it may provide short-term relief or gratification, it can ultimately harm the relationship. Over time, it can erode trust, diminish intimacy, and create distance between partners.

The Importance of Autonomy

Autonomy is a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships. It allows each partner to maintain their individuality, make independent choices, and feel respected in their decisions. When one partner attempts to control the other, it infringes on their autonomy and can lead to feelings of suffocation or resentment.

Tolerating Discomfort and Embracing Acceptance

To move away from controlling behaviors, it's essential to learn to tolerate discomfort and difficult emotions. This process involves reaching a point of acceptance for things beyond our control, such as our partner's thoughts, feelings, and choices.

Here are some strategies to cultivate acceptance and autonomy in relationships:

1. Self-Regulation: Learn to manage your emotions and responses to challenging situations. Practice mindfulness and breathing exercises to stay calm and centered.

2. Awareness: Reflect on your feelings and needs in the moment. Ask yourself what you're trying to achieve through controlling behavior and whether there are healthier ways to meet your needs.

3. Identify Payoffs: Recognize the short-term gains you receive from controlling behaviors. While these payoffs may provide immediate comfort, they can reinforce unhealthy patterns in the long run.

4. Communicate Needs: Openly express your needs to your partner without attempting to control their response. This fosters mutual understanding and collaboration.

5. Practice Empathy: Try to understand your partner's perspective and respect their autonomy. This can help you approach situations with more compassion and less control.

6. Embrace Acceptance: Acknowledge the things you can't control and focus on what you can influence, such as your own behavior and responses.

Finding Long-Term Fulfillment

While controlling behaviors may offer temporary relief, they can undermine the long-term health of the relationship. By shifting away from control and towards acceptance, we can foster a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Embrace the journey of self-awareness and growth. As you learn to manage your own emotions and reactions, you can cultivate a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship that values autonomy, mutual respect, and open communication.

Book a session with Author Chelsea Reeves, MFTI here: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Trusting the Process: The Right Mindset for Therapy

What happens when you come into therapy, the first session has ended, and perhaps things don’t feel any better? It can be hard to walk through the process of therapy when we don’t know what to expect or how to cope with the moments that feel hard. What we anticipate from therapy shapes how we perceive and interpret our sessions. Our beliefs about therapy, our therapist, and the effectiveness of the process have a big impact on our experience of it. 

I hope this article brings you reassurance, empowers you to fully engage in therapy, and inspires hope as you navigate your own unique journey. Therapy holds immense value and can indeed serve as the catalyst for the change you seek. I believe these three shifts in perspective can help you develop a mindset that will enable you to get the most out of therapy.

1.     Embrace the Power of Expression

Often, we underestimate the profound impact of having a dedicated space to express ourselves freely, without fear of judgment. While our loved ones may offer support, they might not always possess the necessary tools required to fully understand our experiences. Your therapist is trained to fully immerse themselves in your perspective, offering a safe haven for you to share openly. This commitment is unique because, often, people may not know how to create the supportive environment you deeply desire. It's empowering to acknowledge that you have this sanctuary and someone who is adept at empathy, validation, and impartiality. Simply having a safe space to express can be incredibly therapeutic—it allows us to release pent-up emotions, process our thoughts, and receive the support we crave.

2.     Communicate If Something's Not Working

At times, there might be thoughts lingering in your mind that feel challenging to share with your therapist. If something isn't working or doesn't feel helpful, don't hesitate to discuss it openly. Sharing these concerns can help your therapist better understand your needs and tailor the treatment plan accordingly. Bring forth your fears, worries, and genuine emotions to your therapist—they are equipped to handle it and can provide the support you require. Whether it's frustration over the perceived slow progress or other difficulties, sharing these emotions with your therapist can offer them the opportunity to guide you through them. Occasionally, we may encounter less-than-ideal experiences in therapy where we don't feel properly cared for. This can be deeply disheartening and shake our confidence in the therapy process. However, I encourage you to give therapy another chance. Not every therapist will be the right fit for you, and that's perfectly okay. But remember, this doesn't reflect negatively on therapy as a whole. Therapy can be effective and transformative if you're committed to it. So, consider this your reminder to persevere, even when the journey feels challenging or doesn't meet your expectations. It's also okay to take a break from therapy and return when you're ready. I like to think of each therapy session as planting a seed. While we may not witness immediate growth, with time and nurturing, we can observe positive changes blossoming in our lives.

3.     Give Therapy the Time It Deserves

Therapy isn't a quick fix; it's a gradual process that unfolds over time, sometimes more time than we'd prefer. It's essential to remember that your therapist is human—they can't read your mind or predict your experiences. Making assumptions based on past experiences, whether theirs or others, can be harmful. Each individual is unique, with distinct needs and layers that require exploration. Your therapist needs time to understand who you are and what you're going through fully. They must carefully process and conceptualize your experiences to offer effective support. So, if progress seems slow, remember it's a sign that your therapist is approaching your care with diligence and consideration. Rest assured that even if issues aren't resolved immediately or the first strategies provided don't seem effective, change takes time. There's hope and power in the therapeutic process—real transformation occurs when we deeply understand and connect with the insights gained. Your therapist's role isn't to overwhelm you with information but to guide you toward self-discovery and growth collaboratively. Trust in the process, and with patience, positive change will unfold.

Written by Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I 

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR

Nurturing Love Through Conflict: The Gottman Approach to Fighting Right

Introduction: Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but how couples navigate and resolve their differences can determine the strength and longevity of their bond. Rather than avoiding conflict altogether, successful couples understand that healthy conflict resolution is key to deepening their connection. In this blog post, we'll explore the Gottman approach to fighting right and how couples can transform conflict into an opportunity for growth and intimacy.

Understanding the Gottman Approach: The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is grounded in decades of research on what makes marriages succeed or fail. One of the core principles of this approach is the idea that it's not the absence of conflict that defines a happy relationship, but rather how couples manage and resolve their disagreements.

Key Elements of the Gottman Approach:

1. Softened Start-Up: Successful couples begin discussions gently, avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships, as identified by the Gottmans. Instead, they express their concerns using "I" statements and focus on their feelings rather than blaming their partner.

2. Acceptance of Influence: Partners in healthy relationships are open to considering each other's perspectives and are willing to compromise. They recognize that both individuals bring valuable insights to the table and are committed to finding mutually satisfactory solutions.

3. Repair Attempts: When tensions rise during a disagreement, successful couples make repair attempts to de-escalate the situation and reconnect emotionally. This can be as simple as offering a hug, using humor to diffuse tension, or expressing empathy towards their partner's feelings.

4. De-escalation Techniques: Rather than allowing conflicts to spiral out of control, couples trained in the Gottman approach use specific de-escalation techniques to calm themselves and their partner. This may include taking a break to cool off, practicing deep breathing, or using positive self-talk to manage emotions.

Turning Conflict into Connection: Now that we've explored the key principles of the Gottman approach, let's discuss how successful couples turn conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection:

1. Active Listening: Instead of focusing solely on getting their point across, successful couples prioritize active listening. They strive to understand their partner's perspective without interrupting or dismissing their feelings.

2. Emotional Validation: Validating your partner's emotions—even if you don't agree with their viewpoint—is essential for building trust and intimacy. Successful couples express empathy and understanding towards each other's feelings, fostering a sense of validation and support.

3. Seeking Common Ground: Rather than viewing conflict as a win-lose scenario, successful couples approach disagreements as an opportunity to find common ground. They actively look for areas of agreement and work together to find creative solutions that meet both partners' needs.

4. Maintaining Respect: Even in the heat of an argument, successful couples prioritize respect and kindness towards each other. They avoid name-calling, insults, and other disrespectful behaviors, recognizing that words spoken in anger can have lasting consequences.

5. Learning and Growing Together: Conflict can be a catalyst for personal and relational growth. Successful couples approach disagreements as learning opportunities, using them to gain insight into themselves and their partner. They view challenges as a chance to strengthen their bond and deepen their understanding of each other.

Conclusion: Incorporating the principles of the Gottman approach into your relationship can transform the way you navigate conflict with your partner. By fostering open communication, mutual respect, and emotional connection, you can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth and intimacy. Remember, it's not about avoiding conflict, but rather about fighting right and nurturing your love through the ups and downs of life together.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

Book Appointment

Call or Text (813)240-3237

Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist

❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor 👩🏼‍⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver ❤️ Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼‍♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑‍🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩‍🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA

Transform Your Relationship: Evidence-Based Couples Therapy in South Tampa

Introduction

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, even the strongest relationships can face challenges. If you're seeking to enhance your connection, improve communication, and resolve conflicts, evidence-based couples therapy might be the beacon of hope you're looking for. In this blog post, we'll explore the benefits of evidence-based couples therapy, with a focus on communication and conflict resolution, right here in South Tampa.

Understanding Evidence-Based Couples Therapy

Evidence-based couples therapy is a scientifically validated approach that draws on proven techniques to help couples navigate the complexities of their relationship. It's not about guesswork; it's about using strategies that have been rigorously tested and shown to be effective.

Specializing in Communication

1. Active Listening: Effective communication begins with truly hearing and understanding your partner. Through evidence-based techniques, couples learn the art of active listening, ensuring both voices are heard.

2. Expressing Needs Clearly: Often, miscommunication arises from unclear expressions of needs. In therapy, couples learn to articulate their desires in a way that is constructive and comprehensible to their partner.

3. Non-Verbal Cues: Much of our communication happens without words. Evidence-based therapy helps couples become attuned to non-verbal cues, fostering a deeper level of understanding.

Conflict Resolution: A Vital Component

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. What matters most is how it's handled. Evidence-based couples therapy equips partners with essential conflict resolution skills:

1. Identifying Core Issues: Often, surface-level conflicts mask deeper, underlying issues. Therapy helps unearth these core concerns, allowing for more effective resolution.

2. Constructive Communication during Conflict: Instead of resorting to harmful patterns, couples learn how to communicate constructively even in the midst of disagreement.

3. Finding Common Ground: Evidence-based techniques guide couples towards finding solutions that are acceptable to both parties, strengthening the relationship in the process.

Couples Therapy in South Tampa: Your Path to Transformation

For couples seeking evidence-based therapy specializing in communication and conflict resolution, South Tampa is home to a wealth of experienced and dedicated professionals. With their expertise, you can embark on a journey towards a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Conclusion

In the heart of South Tampa, evidence-based couples therapy is available to guide you towards a more harmonious partnership. By honing your communication skills and mastering conflict resolution, you can transform your relationship into one that thrives. Don't wait to take this important step towards a brighter future together. Reach out to a qualified couples therapist in South Tampa today and rediscover the love and connection you deserve.

Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships

Introduction

Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.

Understanding the Gottman Approach

1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.

2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.

3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.

Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out

1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.

3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.

The Power of Integration

When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.

1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.

2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.

3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.

How to Divorce and Still Remain Friends

Divorce is one of life's most challenging experiences. The emotional, financial, and logistical complexities that arise during this process can strain even the strongest bonds. However, it's not uncommon for couples to aspire to an amicable divorce where they can part ways as friends, rather than adversaries. While it may seem like a lofty goal, it's entirely possible with the right mindset, communication, and approach. Let’s explore how to divorce and still remain friends, fostering a positive post-divorce relationship.

1.  Open and Honest Communication

The foundation of any amicable divorce is open and honest communication. Both parties must be willing to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without judgment or hostility. It's essential to establish a safe space where you can each share your needs and expectations openly.

Active Listening:  Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention when they speak. Try to understand their perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Empathetic listening can go a long way in resolving conflicts.

Seek Mediation or Counseling:  Consider engaging a mediator or therapist to facilitate communication and negotiation. These professionals can help both parties express their feelings, manage emotions, and work towards mutually agreeable solutions.

2.  Prioritize the Well-being of Children

If you have children together, their well-being should be top priority. A peaceful divorce can minimize the negative impact on children. Maintain a united front when it comes to parenting decisions and avoid putting children in the middle of your conflicts.

Co-Parenting Agreement:  Consider creating a detailed co-parenting agreement that outlines responsibilities, schedules, and decision-making processes. Having a clear plan can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.

Respect Each Other's Role:  Acknowledge each other's role as parents and support one another in maintaining a strong and loving relationship with the children. Encourage them to have a healthy relationship with both parents.

3.  Separate Emotions from Finances

Money is often a significant source of conflict during divorce proceedings. To maintain a friendship post-divorce, it's essential to separate emotions from financial decisions.

Full Financial Disclosure:  Be transparent about your financial situation. The best way to instill trust in this process is to share all relevant financial information to ensure fair and equitable asset division.

Collaborative Financial Planning:  Consider working together, or with a financial advisor, to create a financial plan that benefits both parties. This can help avoid contentious disputes over assets and alimony.

4. Set Realistic Expectations

Maintaining a friendship after divorce doesn't mean that everything will be perfect. There will still be challenges and moments of disagreement. Setting realistic expectations is crucial for a smooth transition.

Understand That Change Is Inevitable:  Accept that your relationship will change post-divorce, but that it can still be meaningful and positive. In fact, some couples find that their post-divorce friendship is stronger than their connection in marriage. 

Be Patient:  Healing takes time, and it's normal to experience a range of emotions. Give yourself and your former spouse the space and time needed to adjust to the new dynamics.

Divorce is a challenging life transition, but it doesn't have to be synonymous with animosity and bitterness. By prioritizing open communication, the well-being of children, and making a concerted effort to separate emotions from finances, couples can navigate divorce while maintaining a sense of friendship. Setting realistic expectations and being patient are key to fostering a positive post-divorce relationship. Remember that while the dynamics may change, it is entirely possible to divorce and still remain friends, paving the way for a healthier and happier future for both parties.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Insights from The Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher, has dedicated his career observing relationships on a quest to discover what makes them work and what causes them to unravel. One of his most influential concepts is known as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," which identifies four communication patterns that can lead to the downfall of a romantic relationship if left unchecked. The four horsemen are:

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

Criticism

The first horseman, criticism, is attacking a partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue. It involves making sweeping negative statements about the other person, often using terms like "always" or "never." It sounds something like this:

“You always forget to do the dishes. I can never rely on you.”

Criticism can be destructive as it erodes the other person's self-esteem and creates a hostile atmosphere. Gottman's research shows that persistent criticism can be particularly harmful because it tends to escalate conflicts, making them more difficult to resolve. 

The better approach, or “antidote,” to criticism is the gentle start-up. Rather than blaming or finding fault with a partner’s behavior, it is more helpful to focus on using "I" statements, such as "I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done."

Contempt

Contempt is perhaps the most corrosive of the four horsemen. It involves expressing disdain, disrespect, or superiority towards one's partner. This can manifest as sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, or eye-rolling. Contempt often stems from a deep sense of resentment and can lead to long-lasting emotional wounds. It sounds like this:

“You still haven’t finished the taxes? (Eye roll.) Why am I the only competent person around here?”

Gottman's research indicates that contempt is a strong predictor of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce. 

The antidote to contempt is building a culture of respect and appreciation towards one’s partner. It’s challenging to break the cycle of contempt, but with time and better habits of expressing gratitude and appreciation, couples can begin to feel the love and respect needed to buffer against times of conflict.

Defensiveness

The third horseman, defensiveness, is a natural response to feeling attacked or criticized. Defensiveness shows up as making excuses, denying wrongdoing, or playing the victim. Unfortunately, it is also counterproductive when it involves shifting blame and failing to take responsibility for one's actions. It goes like this:

“It’s not my fault. You’re the one who overreacted.”

The antidote to defensiveness is taking ownership of one's mistakes and listening to their partner's perspective without immediately becoming defensive. A better response sounds like, "I understand why you're upset, and I'm sorry for my part in this."

Stonewalling

The fourth horseman is stonewalling which involves withdrawing from an interaction or conversation, often in response to feeling overwhelmed by conflict or criticism. Stonewalling occurs when one partner disengages, emotionally shuts down, or refuses to communicate, which leaves the other partner feeling unheard and rejected. It looks like this:

Crossing arms . . . looking away . . . staying silent . . . exiting the room.

The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing by taking a break. Couples should establish strategies for cooling off but commit to returning to the conversation later to resolve the issue constructively.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse provide valuable insights into the dynamics of relationships and how negative communication patterns can lead to their downfall. By recognizing and addressing these behaviors – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – couples can work towards healthier, more satisfying relationships. 

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

Transform Anger Into Connection

Transforming anger into an opportunity for connection and growth in intimate relationships is possible through the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

When anger arises in a relationship, couples often fall into destructive communication patterns, exacerbating the initial pain and creating a cycle of suffering. However, NVC offers a way to break this cycle and foster understanding and connection.

Marshall Rosenberg's insight into anger helps shed light on its underlying dynamics. When someone is angry, it indicates a strong need that they urgently want to be met. However, in an attempt to ensure their needs are met, they may employ moralistic rules, which often lead to unpleasant treatment of others. Recognizing these underlying needs and shifting the focus from moralistic rules to unmet needs is crucial for transforming anger into understanding and connection.

To identify the unmet needs behind anger, it is important to look beyond the rules and reactions of the person expressing anger. One approach is to set aside one's own reactions and inquire about the person's upset. Asking questions like, "When I hear that you are upset about this, it tells me there was a way you wanted to be treated that didn't happen. Am I right?" opens up the conversation and invites the person to share their perspective.

Continuing the exploration of unmet needs, asking questions about the ideal way they would have liked to be treated can help uncover their desires and dreams for the relationship. This can include questions such as, "If you could have been treated in a way that was perfect for you, what would that look like? What would have happened?" This process encourages them to think about the positive outcomes they envision and articulate their needs more explicitly.

The answers provided serve as clues to identify their unmet needs. By presenting different possibilities and allowing them to decide what resonates, it becomes easier to narrow down and understand their specific needs. This process is akin to trying on different clothes until the right fit is found. It requires empathy, active listening, and an open mind to accurately grasp the underlying needs being expressed.

By delving deeper into their needs and offering empathy and understanding, the initial anger can be transformed into a sense of relief, relaxation, and genuine connection. This process of uncovering and addressing needs is a form of deep empathy that brings joy and closeness to the relationship.

While learning this approach may take time and practice, it cultivates a sense of eagerness to explore the needs underlying anger and fosters a stronger bond between partners. Through NVC, anger can be seen as an opportunity for growth, understanding, and strengthening the connection in intimate relationships.

Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.

In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.

Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.

The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.

NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.

Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.

It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.

It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.

In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.

When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.

Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.

Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.

Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.

Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

How I Integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy

Integrating the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy allows for a flexible approach that can shift between relationship-building and attachment-oriented therapy based on the client's needs. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Susan Johnson conducted pioneering research on creating happy and lasting relationships. Initially known primarily in academic circles, their work provided an empirical foundation to the often chaotic and unpredictable field of couples therapy.

Both Gottman and Johnson developed unique models of successful adult relationships, based on different perspectives and data sets. Gottman's research focused on longitudinal and observational studies of couples, examining both distressed relationships and satisfying ones. Johnson, on the other hand, drew from the theoretical framework of John Bowlby and her extensive experience in decoding and tracking couples therapy sessions, resulting in an empirical model of couples therapy.

The Gottmans emphasized relationship skill-building and an existential lens, while Johnson's approach was firmly grounded in Attachment Theory. There were also differences in their views on couples therapy and the role of the therapist. The Gottmans cautioned against therapists becoming indispensable to the couple and encouraged coaching couples to manage their own conflicts and intimacy. Johnson, however, saw the therapist as a "secure base" and aimed to create a secure container where anxiously or avoidantly attached partners could express vulnerable feelings and needs.

Despite their differences, the exciting development lies in the convergence of their approaches and the ability to seamlessly integrate both in couples therapy. This integration allows therapists to adapt their approach based on the couple's emotional system.

When working with couples, I begin with the Gottman Method, using the Sound Relationship House model. It provides a practical and understandable framework that couples can readily adopt. The structured assessment process of the Gottman Method is reassuring and transparent, allowing couples to share their story, be heard individually and together, and identify their relationship strengths and areas for growth. The process instills hope as strengths are highlighted, growth areas are connected with specific skills to be learned, and couples leave with a roadmap for their therapeutic journey.

However, the real work starts when addressing the emotional focus and the influence of attachment histories, styles, and internal working models in intimate relationships, as recognized by both Gottman and Johnson. While helping couples replace destructive patterns with healthier alternatives, I am attuned to their negative emotional cycles and unresolved hurts. With Gottman's language and relationship science in one hand and Johnson's emotion-focused and interpersonal tools in the other, I weave both approaches into the therapeutic process.

For example, when addressing criticism and contempt, I provide practical information to one spouse while simultaneously validating and exploring the attachment needs and emotions of the other partner. I employ Gottman's structured exercises, such as the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident form, to help couples process arguments and improve their dialogue. Simultaneously, I examine the underlying dynamics of the conflict, considering attachment histories and their impact on individuals' ability to let go of anger or offer tenderness.

The integration of Gottman and Johnson becomes evident in working with bids, turning towards, and processing failed bids. I understand that not all hurts are equal and that certain emotional injuries can be traumatic, triggering deeply held beliefs about oneself, the partner, and relationships. Gottman's Sound Relationship House theory helps couples understand the connection between emotional bank accounts and the overall health of the relationship. Johnson's tools, on the other hand, aid in repairing depleted emotional accounts, acknowledging and healing attachment injuries, and restoring the bond between partners.

While I confess my initial affinity for the Gottman Method, finding comfort in its alignment with my therapeutic style, Johnson's approach challenges me to navigate the depths of primary emotions.

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2007). Marital Therapy: A research-based approach. Training manual for the Level I professional workshop for clinicians. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown and Company.

Meunier, V. and Baker, W. (2012). Positive Couple Relationships: The evidence for long lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Roffey, S. (Ed.) Positive Relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world. Sydney, Australia: Springer Publications.

Young, M.A. (2005). Creating a Confluence: An Interview With Susan Johnson and John Gottman. The Family Journal, 13(2), 219-225.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, Ph.D

Book an appointment with Dr. Liz: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Harvard Study Reveals Key to Happiness and Health: Meaningful Relationships with Family, Friends, and Community

The Study

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, started in 1938, is the longest study on human life with a mission to uncover the secrets to good health and happiness. The original cohort of 268 student volunteers (including future president John F. Kennedy) has expanded over the years to include their offspring, varying socioeconomic classes, and women. Data collected reveals a surprising truth about us as human beings – our close relationships are what keep us happiest and healthiest throughout our lives.

Every few years, participants of the study have completed questionnaires regarding their health, marriages, careers, success and failures, and much more. They’ve shared their medical records and sat down for in-person interviews. After pouring over data and stories acquired over decades, scientists have discovered that the best predictor of health and happiness in life is having close connections with others. Our relationships are more important to our well-being than money, fame, social class, IQ, and even our genes. In fact, people who have strong, meaningful relationships in their 50s turn out to be the healthiest ones in their 80s. 

The Power of Human Connection

Why is human connection so powerful? Multiple studies reveal the positive impacts of social connections. Strong relationships lead to better mental health, lower rates of anxiety and depression, stronger immune systems, higher self-esteem, greater empathy towards others, improved ability to recover from disease, and can ultimately help us live longer lives. Think about how nice it feels to sit with others and share a piece of ourselves through stories and experiences. We laugh together, which releases endorphins in our body. Endorphins are those “feel good” hormones that give us a sense of well-being and can temporarily relieve pain. And the more we engage in social activities and reap the benefits of their impact, the more people WANT to be with us, thus creating a positive feedback loop of human connectedness.

The Effects of Loneliness

Why is loneliness so detrimental to our health? According to the Harvard study, loneliness is as harmful to us as alcoholism and smoking. In fact, we now know that feeling lonely can negatively impact our immune system, sleep patterns, blood pressure, stress hormones, and mental health. As we age over time, these impacts take a toll on our bodies and minds. And in our later years of life, social connections and support may be even harder to find with limits in mobility and a shrinking social cohort. Nurturing healthy relationships today help buffer the impact of entering our twilight years.

Becoming Connected with Others

How do we incorporate the findings of the Harvard study into our own lives for better health and happiness? How do we make new social connections and nurture the ones we already have? It’s easier than you think. Start with the people who already show up in your life. Set up date night with your partner. Go play with your kids. Reach out to a friend today and get something on the calendar – perhaps a walk along Bayshore Boulevard in the early morning or evening, a stroll through one of the various weekend markets we have in Tampa, a backyard cookout, or just a meaningful conversation on your front porch. It doesn’t need to be an expensive or time-consuming outing – it’s all about the connection.

And don’t forget to seek out opportunities in your community for expanding your social circle. Consider attending church on Sunday, finding a tennis or pickleball clinic, signing up for a cooking class, or mentoring a young person who needs guidance in life. All of these options and more are available to you. With knowledge gained from the Harvard study, we now know the key to a lifetime of happiness and good health – meaningful relationships. Let’s get started.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment