Helping Conflict-Avoidant Couples Grow by Building Emotional Intensity (Without Breaking the Bond)

By Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D | South Tampa Therapy

At first glance, conflict-avoidant couples can appear deceptively easy to work with — polite, calm, and relatively low-drama. But as many therapists (and couples themselves) quickly realize, this surface-level peace can make progress in therapy excruciatingly slow.

These partners often want deep connection, but their fear of conflict and discomfort with emotional vulnerability keeps them stuck in cycles of polite disengagement. The work becomes not about avoiding conflict but about learning to tolerate emotional intensity as a path toward authentic growth.

Why Conflict Avoidance Happens

Avoidance is often a self-protective adaptation. For many long-term partners, the risk of being authentic — especially if they fear rejection, disconnection, or shame — feels too high. So they play it safe:

• One partner stays passive, waiting for the other to make a move.

• Both partners avoid initiating emotionally vulnerable conversations.

• They may “collapse” under pressure rather than assert a need or desire.

In the therapy room, this dynamic can be subtle. They may smile, make light of challenges, or keep the conversation surface-level. But under the calm exterior is a relationship that desperately needs movement and intensity — the kind of growth that only comes when you allow discomfort to be present and meaningful.

A Step-by-Step Approach for Building Momentum with Conflict-Avoidant Couples

1. Name the Pattern, Gently But Clearly

Start by helping them see how their avoidance serves a purpose — it protects them from pain. But it also keeps them disconnected from themselves and each other. Bring compassionate awareness to the way their pattern shows up in session and at home.

2. Challenge Passive Behaviors in Real-Time

Don’t let passive avoidance slip by unnoticed. When a partner defers, minimizes, or shifts the focus, gently but firmly bring it back:

“I noticed you paused just as you were about to say something important — let’s stay with that for a moment.”

3. Help Them Build a Tolerance for Emotional Intensity

Ask each partner: “What helps you stay present when things feel intense?” Normalize the discomfort and frame it as a growing edge. Offer tools for staying grounded — breathwork, tapping, or pausing to name what’s happening internally.

4. Set Small Risk-Taking Goals

Encourage each partner to take one small interpersonal risk between sessions. It could be naming a need, disagreeing gently, or expressing vulnerability. The goal is to build emotional courage, not perfection.

5. Teach the Value of Staying With the Tension

Let them know that real healing often begins after the moment they most want to disconnect. Support them in riding the wave of conflict through to resolution, rather than avoiding it or abandoning the process.

“The moment you want to walk away is often the exact moment you need to lean in with compassion.”

6. Create Intensity in Session with Purpose and Care

As a therapist, your role is to increase emotional depth without overwhelming your clients. This means knowing when to push and when to hold — and always doing so with clarity and consent. Use Emotion-Focused Therapy techniques, attachment language, and Nonviolent Communication tools to guide the process.

The Bottom Line

Conflict-avoidant couples don’t need to become aggressive or dramatic — they need to become emotionally present. Learning to sit in discomfort, tolerate healthy tension, and express themselves with authenticity is the path to deepening intimacy.

With the right support, even the most avoidant couples can transform their relationships into spaces of connection, clarity, and growth.

Interested in learning more about couples therapy in Tampa or across Florida?
At South Tampa Therapy, we specialize in Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy, Gottman-informed interventions, and Nonviolent Communication techniques for deeper connection and lasting change.

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Understanding Emotion Dismissing in Relationships: Effects on Partners & Strategies for Healing

If you've ever found yourself feeling shut off by your partner, it can be extremely hurtful. Sharing our innermost thoughts and emotions with our partner is a vulnerable yet meaningful act. However, when met with indifference, invalidation, or dismissal from our partner, this vulnerability can lead to deep wounds and a sense of emotional disconnection. In this blog post, we'll delve into the impact of emotion dismissing in relationships and explore strategies for nurturing a more empathetic and validating connection with our partners.

What is Emotion Dismissing? 

Emotion dismissing refers to the act of downplaying or disregarding the feelings and emotions expressed by one's partner. It can manifest in various forms, including outright denial of the validity of the emotions, belittling the significance of the feelings, or ignoring them altogether. This behavior can occur consciously or unconsciously and often stems from a lack of emotional awareness, communication skills, or empathy.

Impact on Relationships

For the partner experiencing emotion dismissing, the effects can be deeply distressing and invalidating. They may feel unheard, misunderstood, and unimportant in the relationship. Each instance of dismissal can chip away at their sense of self-worth, leaving them questioning the validity of their emotions and their place within the partnership. Over time, these repeated dismissals can erode their self-esteem and confidence in expressing their feelings authentically. This erosion of trust and emotional safety can lead to a gradual withdrawal, as they begin to protect themselves from further hurt by withholding their emotions or withdrawing from emotional intimacy altogether. Additionally, unresolved emotions may accumulate, resulting in heightened conflict and distance in the relationship, as the unresolved tensions simmer beneath the surface, waiting to erupt.

Conversely, for the partner engaging in emotion dismissing, their behavior may stem from a sense of overwhelm and a need to protect themselves from the discomfort of the feelings being shared. However, in their attempt to shield themselves from discomfort, they inadvertently inflict harm on their partner. They also may struggle to find validity in their partner's perspective, perceiving it as utterly ridiculous. Their dismissive responses create a pattern of invalidation and conflict, further eroding the emotional connection and trust within the relationship. Over time, this cycle can lead to feelings of guilt, disconnection, and relational distress for both partners, as they find themselves caught in a downward spiral of misunderstanding and hurt.

Strategies for Healing and Navigating Emotion Dismissing

Emotion dismissing often stems from our own discomfort with emotions, feelings of overwhelm, or a lack of confidence in handling our partner's feelings. Learning to validate our partner is a crucial skill in nurturing connection and trust. By acknowledging and holding space for our partner's emotions, regardless of our agreement, we create a profound sense of understanding and support. Cultivating this emotional awareness enables us to deepen our understanding of our own and our partner's emotions. Building a culture of emotional safety in our relationship, where both partners feel safe expressing themselves, is essential for maintaining closeness and connection. This may involve preparing ourselves to respond to challenging feelings with empathy and understanding. Developing confidence in our ability to manage difficult emotions is key to navigating these challenges together. It is also important to note that emotion dismissing can result from misinterpretations of our partner's expressions, leading us to feel attacked. Ultimately, it is through building a foundation of mutual respect that a safe space for honest expression can be created. 

Seeking guidance from a therapist can help clarify these underlying reasons and provide support for making different choices in how we engage with our partner's emotions. If you're ready to explore these concepts further and embark on your journey towards healthier relational dynamics, you can reach out today and sign up for therapy using my link below.

Written by Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I 

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR