Helping Conflict-Avoidant Couples Grow by Building Emotional Intensity (Without Breaking the Bond)

By Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D | South Tampa Therapy

At first glance, conflict-avoidant couples can appear deceptively easy to work with — polite, calm, and relatively low-drama. But as many therapists (and couples themselves) quickly realize, this surface-level peace can make progress in therapy excruciatingly slow.

These partners often want deep connection, but their fear of conflict and discomfort with emotional vulnerability keeps them stuck in cycles of polite disengagement. The work becomes not about avoiding conflict but about learning to tolerate emotional intensity as a path toward authentic growth.

Why Conflict Avoidance Happens

Avoidance is often a self-protective adaptation. For many long-term partners, the risk of being authentic — especially if they fear rejection, disconnection, or shame — feels too high. So they play it safe:

• One partner stays passive, waiting for the other to make a move.

• Both partners avoid initiating emotionally vulnerable conversations.

• They may “collapse” under pressure rather than assert a need or desire.

In the therapy room, this dynamic can be subtle. They may smile, make light of challenges, or keep the conversation surface-level. But under the calm exterior is a relationship that desperately needs movement and intensity — the kind of growth that only comes when you allow discomfort to be present and meaningful.

A Step-by-Step Approach for Building Momentum with Conflict-Avoidant Couples

1. Name the Pattern, Gently But Clearly

Start by helping them see how their avoidance serves a purpose — it protects them from pain. But it also keeps them disconnected from themselves and each other. Bring compassionate awareness to the way their pattern shows up in session and at home.

2. Challenge Passive Behaviors in Real-Time

Don’t let passive avoidance slip by unnoticed. When a partner defers, minimizes, or shifts the focus, gently but firmly bring it back:

“I noticed you paused just as you were about to say something important — let’s stay with that for a moment.”

3. Help Them Build a Tolerance for Emotional Intensity

Ask each partner: “What helps you stay present when things feel intense?” Normalize the discomfort and frame it as a growing edge. Offer tools for staying grounded — breathwork, tapping, or pausing to name what’s happening internally.

4. Set Small Risk-Taking Goals

Encourage each partner to take one small interpersonal risk between sessions. It could be naming a need, disagreeing gently, or expressing vulnerability. The goal is to build emotional courage, not perfection.

5. Teach the Value of Staying With the Tension

Let them know that real healing often begins after the moment they most want to disconnect. Support them in riding the wave of conflict through to resolution, rather than avoiding it or abandoning the process.

“The moment you want to walk away is often the exact moment you need to lean in with compassion.”

6. Create Intensity in Session with Purpose and Care

As a therapist, your role is to increase emotional depth without overwhelming your clients. This means knowing when to push and when to hold — and always doing so with clarity and consent. Use Emotion-Focused Therapy techniques, attachment language, and Nonviolent Communication tools to guide the process.

The Bottom Line

Conflict-avoidant couples don’t need to become aggressive or dramatic — they need to become emotionally present. Learning to sit in discomfort, tolerate healthy tension, and express themselves with authenticity is the path to deepening intimacy.

With the right support, even the most avoidant couples can transform their relationships into spaces of connection, clarity, and growth.

Interested in learning more about couples therapy in Tampa or across Florida?
At South Tampa Therapy, we specialize in Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy, Gottman-informed interventions, and Nonviolent Communication techniques for deeper connection and lasting change.

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Facing the Flames: Unmasking Avoidant Defensive Strategies to Reconnect with Our Emotions and Transform Our Lives

Many of us grew up in environments without being taught to connect with our emotions. Our primary caregivers—our attachment figures—may have been inconsistent in providing the emotional support we needed. As a result, we learned to disconnect from our emotions, making it challenging to recognize and express our needs. This disconnection often lead to developing certain attachment styles, particularly dismissive or avoidant attachment styles.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and further expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that how we form bonds with our caregivers in childhood influences how we relate to others as adults. Individuals with a dismissive attachment style often downplay the importance of emotional connections and maintain high independence. They tend to avoid intimacy and may suppress their emotions, leading to an outward appearance of self-sufficiency, but inwardly, they may struggle with loneliness. On the other hand, those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganized attachment, experience a combination of fear and avoidance in relationships. These individuals desire close connections but simultaneously push them away, often due to a deep-seated fear of rejection or hurt.

When emotions arise, those of us with these attachment styles often lack the tools to process them effectively. Instead, we dismiss or avoid these feelings, which profoundly impact our relationships. The strategies we use to avoid our emotions are varied and often subtle. These defensive strategies serve to protect us from the discomfort of facing our feelings directly. Common strategies include rationalizing, where we explain away emotional experiences with logical reasoning, thereby avoiding the need to engage with the underlying feelings, and intellectualizing, where we approach our emotions with a detached, analytical mindset, treating them as abstract concepts rather than lived experiences. Another strategy, spiritual bypassing, involves using spiritual beliefs or practices to avoid confronting painful emotions or unresolved psychological issues. This form of bypassing is something I encountered frequently during my spiritual training in the Zen tradition during the COVID years, as well as the mew-age spiritual communities.

There is a famous Zen anecdote that illustrates the extreme form of detachment that can arise from a deep understanding of Buddhist teachings. A Zen monk perceives a fire in his family home. Despite the urgency and danger, he remains calm and unmoved, reasoning that since everything in this world is a projection of the mind and ultimately an illusion (Maya), there is no need to be disturbed by the fire. This story is often used to illustrate an advanced understanding of Zen teachings, where one transcends the dualities of life—gain and loss, life and death, destruction and preservation. For me, it also serves as a point of reflection on the balance between spiritual realization and compassionate action in the world. No construct, spiritual or intellectual, will gives us the tools we need to connect with our feelings and needs, and therefore understand those of others. Any form of awakening or intellectual achievement demands both wisdom and compassionate engagement with the world.

Regardless of our spiritual traditions or understanding of reality, connecting with our emotions is crucial to our development as human beings. Through therapeutic work, we can begin to reorganize our attachment styles, empowering us to live more fulfilling lives with ourselves and those we relate to. Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment to explore these defense strategies and the underlying fears they mask. By bringing awareness to these patterns and taking responsibility for our growth, we can gradually dismantle them, allowing for a more authentic connection with our emotions and, consequently, deeper, more meaningful relationships.

The goal is not to ignore our emotions or bypass them, but to integrate them into our lived experience, embracing the full spectrum of what it means to be human. This integration is not just a process, but a valuable journey that enriches our understanding of ourselves and our relationships.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

By Ari Leal, Therapist

BOOK with Ari Leal here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AriLeal

Understanding Emotion Dismissing in Relationships: Effects on Partners & Strategies for Healing

If you've ever found yourself feeling shut off by your partner, it can be extremely hurtful. Sharing our innermost thoughts and emotions with our partner is a vulnerable yet meaningful act. However, when met with indifference, invalidation, or dismissal from our partner, this vulnerability can lead to deep wounds and a sense of emotional disconnection. In this blog post, we'll delve into the impact of emotion dismissing in relationships and explore strategies for nurturing a more empathetic and validating connection with our partners.

What is Emotion Dismissing? 

Emotion dismissing refers to the act of downplaying or disregarding the feelings and emotions expressed by one's partner. It can manifest in various forms, including outright denial of the validity of the emotions, belittling the significance of the feelings, or ignoring them altogether. This behavior can occur consciously or unconsciously and often stems from a lack of emotional awareness, communication skills, or empathy.

Impact on Relationships

For the partner experiencing emotion dismissing, the effects can be deeply distressing and invalidating. They may feel unheard, misunderstood, and unimportant in the relationship. Each instance of dismissal can chip away at their sense of self-worth, leaving them questioning the validity of their emotions and their place within the partnership. Over time, these repeated dismissals can erode their self-esteem and confidence in expressing their feelings authentically. This erosion of trust and emotional safety can lead to a gradual withdrawal, as they begin to protect themselves from further hurt by withholding their emotions or withdrawing from emotional intimacy altogether. Additionally, unresolved emotions may accumulate, resulting in heightened conflict and distance in the relationship, as the unresolved tensions simmer beneath the surface, waiting to erupt.

Conversely, for the partner engaging in emotion dismissing, their behavior may stem from a sense of overwhelm and a need to protect themselves from the discomfort of the feelings being shared. However, in their attempt to shield themselves from discomfort, they inadvertently inflict harm on their partner. They also may struggle to find validity in their partner's perspective, perceiving it as utterly ridiculous. Their dismissive responses create a pattern of invalidation and conflict, further eroding the emotional connection and trust within the relationship. Over time, this cycle can lead to feelings of guilt, disconnection, and relational distress for both partners, as they find themselves caught in a downward spiral of misunderstanding and hurt.

Strategies for Healing and Navigating Emotion Dismissing

Emotion dismissing often stems from our own discomfort with emotions, feelings of overwhelm, or a lack of confidence in handling our partner's feelings. Learning to validate our partner is a crucial skill in nurturing connection and trust. By acknowledging and holding space for our partner's emotions, regardless of our agreement, we create a profound sense of understanding and support. Cultivating this emotional awareness enables us to deepen our understanding of our own and our partner's emotions. Building a culture of emotional safety in our relationship, where both partners feel safe expressing themselves, is essential for maintaining closeness and connection. This may involve preparing ourselves to respond to challenging feelings with empathy and understanding. Developing confidence in our ability to manage difficult emotions is key to navigating these challenges together. It is also important to note that emotion dismissing can result from misinterpretations of our partner's expressions, leading us to feel attacked. Ultimately, it is through building a foundation of mutual respect that a safe space for honest expression can be created. 

Seeking guidance from a therapist can help clarify these underlying reasons and provide support for making different choices in how we engage with our partner's emotions. If you're ready to explore these concepts further and embark on your journey towards healthier relational dynamics, you can reach out today and sign up for therapy using my link below.

Written by Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I 

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR

Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling

I specialize in Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling, offering Relationship Therapy that fosters intimacy and happiness.

As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), Marriage and Family Therapist, Ph.D, and a National Certified Counselor (NCC), I prioritize couples' well-being. At my South Tampa Office, I focus on couples, drawing from my Graduate Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). My approach centers on Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Structural Family Therapy addressing conflict, intimacy, and mutual understanding. I also utilize Compassionate Communication (NVC) to help couples and families use the same language to connect, even through the most difficult conversations.

In relationships, unmet needs often lead to misunderstood conflicts. Love transcends right or wrong; it seeks understanding, appreciation, and empathy. Effective communication holds the key to success.

Effective conflict management and communication are pivotal for a thriving relationship. Ignoring conflict breeds resentment, while poor communication is a precursor to separation or divorce.

Rest assured, your situation, though unique, can be unraveled. Couples often fall into predictable conflict patterns, but with guidance, these can be navigated.

In Couples Therapy, we tackle various issues:

• Communication breakdowns

• Recurring conflicts

• Emotional distance

• Relationship strains

• Commitment concerns

• Infidelity challenges

• Trust and boundaries

• Parenting dynamics

• Pre-marital concerns

• Intimacy and sexual difficulties

• Financial or health-related stress

All couples benefit from counseling, even those with normal conflict levels. Strengthening your relationship and coping mechanisms for future challenges are invaluable.

Let's embark on this journey together. Contact (813) 240-3237 to pave the way for happiness with your partner. I'm here to guide you towards a stronger, happier relationship.

Book with Dr. Liz here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake