Facing the Flames: Unmasking Avoidant Defensive Strategies to Reconnect with Our Emotions and Transform Our Lives

Many of us grew up in environments without being taught to connect with our emotions. Our primary caregivers—our attachment figures—may have been inconsistent in providing the emotional support we needed. As a result, we learned to disconnect from our emotions, making it challenging to recognize and express our needs. This disconnection often lead to developing certain attachment styles, particularly dismissive or avoidant attachment styles.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and further expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that how we form bonds with our caregivers in childhood influences how we relate to others as adults. Individuals with a dismissive attachment style often downplay the importance of emotional connections and maintain high independence. They tend to avoid intimacy and may suppress their emotions, leading to an outward appearance of self-sufficiency, but inwardly, they may struggle with loneliness. On the other hand, those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, also known as disorganized attachment, experience a combination of fear and avoidance in relationships. These individuals desire close connections but simultaneously push them away, often due to a deep-seated fear of rejection or hurt.

When emotions arise, those of us with these attachment styles often lack the tools to process them effectively. Instead, we dismiss or avoid these feelings, which profoundly impact our relationships. The strategies we use to avoid our emotions are varied and often subtle. These defensive strategies serve to protect us from the discomfort of facing our feelings directly. Common strategies include rationalizing, where we explain away emotional experiences with logical reasoning, thereby avoiding the need to engage with the underlying feelings, and intellectualizing, where we approach our emotions with a detached, analytical mindset, treating them as abstract concepts rather than lived experiences. Another strategy, spiritual bypassing, involves using spiritual beliefs or practices to avoid confronting painful emotions or unresolved psychological issues. This form of bypassing is something I encountered frequently during my spiritual training in the Zen tradition during the COVID years, as well as the mew-age spiritual communities.

There is a famous Zen anecdote that illustrates the extreme form of detachment that can arise from a deep understanding of Buddhist teachings. A Zen monk perceives a fire in his family home. Despite the urgency and danger, he remains calm and unmoved, reasoning that since everything in this world is a projection of the mind and ultimately an illusion (Maya), there is no need to be disturbed by the fire. This story is often used to illustrate an advanced understanding of Zen teachings, where one transcends the dualities of life—gain and loss, life and death, destruction and preservation. For me, it also serves as a point of reflection on the balance between spiritual realization and compassionate action in the world. No construct, spiritual or intellectual, will gives us the tools we need to connect with our feelings and needs, and therefore understand those of others. Any form of awakening or intellectual achievement demands both wisdom and compassionate engagement with the world.

Regardless of our spiritual traditions or understanding of reality, connecting with our emotions is crucial to our development as human beings. Through therapeutic work, we can begin to reorganize our attachment styles, empowering us to live more fulfilling lives with ourselves and those we relate to. Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment to explore these defense strategies and the underlying fears they mask. By bringing awareness to these patterns and taking responsibility for our growth, we can gradually dismantle them, allowing for a more authentic connection with our emotions and, consequently, deeper, more meaningful relationships.

The goal is not to ignore our emotions or bypass them, but to integrate them into our lived experience, embracing the full spectrum of what it means to be human. This integration is not just a process, but a valuable journey that enriches our understanding of ourselves and our relationships.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

By Ari Leal, Therapist

BOOK with Ari Leal here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AriLeal

Understanding Emotion Dismissing in Relationships: Effects on Partners & Strategies for Healing

If you've ever found yourself feeling shut off by your partner, it can be extremely hurtful. Sharing our innermost thoughts and emotions with our partner is a vulnerable yet meaningful act. However, when met with indifference, invalidation, or dismissal from our partner, this vulnerability can lead to deep wounds and a sense of emotional disconnection. In this blog post, we'll delve into the impact of emotion dismissing in relationships and explore strategies for nurturing a more empathetic and validating connection with our partners.

What is Emotion Dismissing? 

Emotion dismissing refers to the act of downplaying or disregarding the feelings and emotions expressed by one's partner. It can manifest in various forms, including outright denial of the validity of the emotions, belittling the significance of the feelings, or ignoring them altogether. This behavior can occur consciously or unconsciously and often stems from a lack of emotional awareness, communication skills, or empathy.

Impact on Relationships

For the partner experiencing emotion dismissing, the effects can be deeply distressing and invalidating. They may feel unheard, misunderstood, and unimportant in the relationship. Each instance of dismissal can chip away at their sense of self-worth, leaving them questioning the validity of their emotions and their place within the partnership. Over time, these repeated dismissals can erode their self-esteem and confidence in expressing their feelings authentically. This erosion of trust and emotional safety can lead to a gradual withdrawal, as they begin to protect themselves from further hurt by withholding their emotions or withdrawing from emotional intimacy altogether. Additionally, unresolved emotions may accumulate, resulting in heightened conflict and distance in the relationship, as the unresolved tensions simmer beneath the surface, waiting to erupt.

Conversely, for the partner engaging in emotion dismissing, their behavior may stem from a sense of overwhelm and a need to protect themselves from the discomfort of the feelings being shared. However, in their attempt to shield themselves from discomfort, they inadvertently inflict harm on their partner. They also may struggle to find validity in their partner's perspective, perceiving it as utterly ridiculous. Their dismissive responses create a pattern of invalidation and conflict, further eroding the emotional connection and trust within the relationship. Over time, this cycle can lead to feelings of guilt, disconnection, and relational distress for both partners, as they find themselves caught in a downward spiral of misunderstanding and hurt.

Strategies for Healing and Navigating Emotion Dismissing

Emotion dismissing often stems from our own discomfort with emotions, feelings of overwhelm, or a lack of confidence in handling our partner's feelings. Learning to validate our partner is a crucial skill in nurturing connection and trust. By acknowledging and holding space for our partner's emotions, regardless of our agreement, we create a profound sense of understanding and support. Cultivating this emotional awareness enables us to deepen our understanding of our own and our partner's emotions. Building a culture of emotional safety in our relationship, where both partners feel safe expressing themselves, is essential for maintaining closeness and connection. This may involve preparing ourselves to respond to challenging feelings with empathy and understanding. Developing confidence in our ability to manage difficult emotions is key to navigating these challenges together. It is also important to note that emotion dismissing can result from misinterpretations of our partner's expressions, leading us to feel attacked. Ultimately, it is through building a foundation of mutual respect that a safe space for honest expression can be created. 

Seeking guidance from a therapist can help clarify these underlying reasons and provide support for making different choices in how we engage with our partner's emotions. If you're ready to explore these concepts further and embark on your journey towards healthier relational dynamics, you can reach out today and sign up for therapy using my link below.

Written by Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I 

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR

Understanding Why Some People Subconsciously Choose Partners Resembling Their Parents

Discover the reasons behind subconscious partner choices resembling primary caregivers. Learn how early experiences influence romantic relationships and identify potential red flags.

Introduction:

When it comes to choosing a life partner, most people rely on a checklist of desirable qualities. However, relationships built on shared values and intimacy tend to be more stable and secure. This article explores the intriguing phenomenon of individuals subconsciously selecting partners who resemble their primary caregivers, often resulting from unresolved attachment trauma. Recognizing these patterns can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Key Points:

1. Shared Intimacy and Interdependence in Relationships:

Partnerships rooted in shared intimacy and interdependence foster stability and security, leading to a healthier union.

2. Unresolved Attachment Trauma Influencing Partner Choice:

Unconscious attachment trauma from early life experiences can shape one's selection of a romantic partner, potentially leading to dissatisfaction and communication challenges.

Identifying Red Flags:

Spotting signs that a romantic relationship may be influenced by unresolved core wounds or childhood conditioning is crucial. These include mirroring dynamics learned from primary caregivers, superficial conversations, and a choice of partner echoing past emotional wounds.

Three Common Reasons for Subconsciously Choosing a Parental Resemblance:

1. Fear of Growth and Change:

Some individuals may opt for partners who resist emotional growth, favoring familiarity over personal development. This reluctance to evolve can hinder progress in the relationship.

2. Compulsion to Repeat Patterns:

Choosing a partner resembling an abandoning or neglectful parent may stem from a subconscious desire for closure or rescue. This behavior pattern, while familiar, can lead to self-sabotage.

3. Validation of Learned Scripts and Beliefs:

Selecting a partner with dysfunctional traits similar to those learned in childhood may provide a sense of predictability, even if it perpetuates a cycle of dysfunction. This familiarity can be mistaken for comfort.

Conclusion:

While not everyone consciously "marries their parent," our early experiences profoundly influence our romantic choices. Recognizing these patterns and seeking professional guidance can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. If your formative years were marked by abandonment or neglect, consulting a trained clinician can offer invaluable support in your emotional journey.

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to find out more about how to disrupt these subconscious patterns:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

How I Integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy

Integrating the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy allows for a flexible approach that can shift between relationship-building and attachment-oriented therapy based on the client's needs. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Susan Johnson conducted pioneering research on creating happy and lasting relationships. Initially known primarily in academic circles, their work provided an empirical foundation to the often chaotic and unpredictable field of couples therapy.

Both Gottman and Johnson developed unique models of successful adult relationships, based on different perspectives and data sets. Gottman's research focused on longitudinal and observational studies of couples, examining both distressed relationships and satisfying ones. Johnson, on the other hand, drew from the theoretical framework of John Bowlby and her extensive experience in decoding and tracking couples therapy sessions, resulting in an empirical model of couples therapy.

The Gottmans emphasized relationship skill-building and an existential lens, while Johnson's approach was firmly grounded in Attachment Theory. There were also differences in their views on couples therapy and the role of the therapist. The Gottmans cautioned against therapists becoming indispensable to the couple and encouraged coaching couples to manage their own conflicts and intimacy. Johnson, however, saw the therapist as a "secure base" and aimed to create a secure container where anxiously or avoidantly attached partners could express vulnerable feelings and needs.

Despite their differences, the exciting development lies in the convergence of their approaches and the ability to seamlessly integrate both in couples therapy. This integration allows therapists to adapt their approach based on the couple's emotional system.

When working with couples, I begin with the Gottman Method, using the Sound Relationship House model. It provides a practical and understandable framework that couples can readily adopt. The structured assessment process of the Gottman Method is reassuring and transparent, allowing couples to share their story, be heard individually and together, and identify their relationship strengths and areas for growth. The process instills hope as strengths are highlighted, growth areas are connected with specific skills to be learned, and couples leave with a roadmap for their therapeutic journey.

However, the real work starts when addressing the emotional focus and the influence of attachment histories, styles, and internal working models in intimate relationships, as recognized by both Gottman and Johnson. While helping couples replace destructive patterns with healthier alternatives, I am attuned to their negative emotional cycles and unresolved hurts. With Gottman's language and relationship science in one hand and Johnson's emotion-focused and interpersonal tools in the other, I weave both approaches into the therapeutic process.

For example, when addressing criticism and contempt, I provide practical information to one spouse while simultaneously validating and exploring the attachment needs and emotions of the other partner. I employ Gottman's structured exercises, such as the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident form, to help couples process arguments and improve their dialogue. Simultaneously, I examine the underlying dynamics of the conflict, considering attachment histories and their impact on individuals' ability to let go of anger or offer tenderness.

The integration of Gottman and Johnson becomes evident in working with bids, turning towards, and processing failed bids. I understand that not all hurts are equal and that certain emotional injuries can be traumatic, triggering deeply held beliefs about oneself, the partner, and relationships. Gottman's Sound Relationship House theory helps couples understand the connection between emotional bank accounts and the overall health of the relationship. Johnson's tools, on the other hand, aid in repairing depleted emotional accounts, acknowledging and healing attachment injuries, and restoring the bond between partners.

While I confess my initial affinity for the Gottman Method, finding comfort in its alignment with my therapeutic style, Johnson's approach challenges me to navigate the depths of primary emotions.

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2007). Marital Therapy: A research-based approach. Training manual for the Level I professional workshop for clinicians. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown and Company.

Meunier, V. and Baker, W. (2012). Positive Couple Relationships: The evidence for long lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Roffey, S. (Ed.) Positive Relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world. Sydney, Australia: Springer Publications.

Young, M.A. (2005). Creating a Confluence: An Interview With Susan Johnson and John Gottman. The Family Journal, 13(2), 219-225.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, Ph.D

Book an appointment with Dr. Liz: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Navigating Separation: The Benefits of Marriage and Family Therapy

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When a couple decides to separate, it can be an emotionally challenging and uncertain time for everyone involved. The turbulence of this period can lead to heightened conflict, misunderstandings, and feelings of isolation. However, seeking support during a separation can offer a ray of hope and provide a path towards healing and growth. One valuable resource to consider is marriage and family therapy. In this blog post, we will explore how attending therapy sessions during a separation can facilitate communication, promote understanding, and ultimately, aid in the transition to a new chapter in life.

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1. Creating a Safe Space for Communication:

Effective communication often becomes strained during a separation. Emotions run high, and it can be challenging to express thoughts and feelings without escalating conflict. Marriage and family therapy offers a safe and neutral environment where both partners can voice their concerns, fears, and hopes. A skilled therapist can facilitate constructive conversations, ensuring that each person feels heard and validated. Through open and honest dialogue, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives, fostering empathy and reducing tension.

2. Nurturing Emotional Well-being:

Separation brings forth a wide range of emotions, such as grief, anger, fear, and sadness. These emotions can be overwhelming, leading to increased stress and difficulty in managing daily life. Marriage and family therapy provides individuals with a supportive setting to process and express their emotions. Therapists can guide clients in developing coping mechanisms, healthy communication strategies, and self-care practices. By addressing emotional well-being, therapy helps individuals navigate the separation with greater resilience and stability.

3. Facilitating Co-Parenting and Family Transitions:

For couples with children, separation poses additional challenges in terms of co-parenting and managing family dynamics. Marriage and family therapy can play a vital role in helping parents develop effective co-parenting strategies. Therapists can assist in creating parenting plans, improving communication skills, and resolving conflicts related to child-rearing. Additionally, therapy sessions can aid children in understanding and adapting to the changes occurring within the family, promoting their emotional well-being during this transition.

4. Fostering Personal Growth and Self-Reflection:

Separation often prompts individuals to reflect on themselves and their relationships. Marriage and family therapy can facilitate personal growth and self-reflection, empowering individuals to learn from their experiences and make positive changes. Therapists can help clients explore their own roles in the relationship dynamics, identify patterns, and develop healthier behaviors. By gaining insights and self-awareness, individuals can improve their future relationships and build a stronger foundation for personal fulfillment.

5. Transitioning to a New Chapter:

While separation represents the end of one chapter, it also marks the beginning of a new journey. Marriage and family therapy can aid in the transition process, helping individuals redefine their identities and establish goals for the future. Therapists can offer guidance on managing practical aspects such as finances, housing, and legal matters. Moreover, therapy provides ongoing support as individuals navigate the emotional challenges associated with moving forward.

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Attending marriage and family therapy during a separation can be a transformative experience. It offers a safe space for open communication, nurtures emotional well-being, and facilitates the development of healthy coping mechanisms. Additionally, therapy supports co-parenting efforts and helps children adjust to new family dynamics. Ultimately, it promotes personal growth and assists individuals in transitioning to a new chapter with a renewed sense of hope and purpose. If you find yourself going through a separation, consider seeking the support of a qualified marriage and family therapist to guide you on this transformative journey.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Supporting Your Partner Through Difficult Times

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Life is filled with ups and downs, and during challenging moments, having a supportive partner can make all the difference. As a couple, navigating difficult times together can strengthen your bond and foster personal growth. Drawing from the perspective of a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), this blog post will explore effective ways to help your partner during tough moments, promoting a healthy and thriving relationship.

1. Foster Open Communication

Effective compassionate communication forms the foundation of any strong relationship. During difficult times, encourage your partner to express their thoughts and feelings openly. Provide a safe and non-judgmental space where they can freely share their concerns, worries, or frustrations. Actively listen, validate their emotions, and refrain from offering immediate solutions. Sometimes, all they need is a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.

2. Cultivate Empathy and Understanding

Empathy plays a vital role in supporting your partner through challenging times. Put yourself in their shoes, trying to understand their perspective and emotions. Recognize that their experience may differ from yours, and avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Show genuine compassion and validate their experiences, even if you cannot fully relate to their circumstances. Offering empathy allows your partner to feel heard and understood, strengthening the connection between you.

3. Be Present and Available

During difficult times, your partner may need your presence more than ever. Demonstrate your commitment by making time for them, ensuring your availability. Be physically and emotionally present, offering your support and undivided attention. Engage in activities they enjoy or simply spend quality time together. Your consistent presence and active involvement will foster a sense of security and reassurance during their challenging moments.

4. Provide Practical Support

Practical support can alleviate some of the burdens your partner may face. Assess their needs and identify practical ways you can assist them. This could involve helping with household chores, running errands, or taking on additional responsibilities. By sharing the load, you show your partner that you are in this together, reinforcing the idea that you are a team working through adversity.

5. Encourage Self-Care

Encourage and facilitate self-care practices for your partner. During difficult times, individuals may neglect their well-being. Help them prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, therapy, or pursuing hobbies they find fulfilling. Offer to join them in these activities, or support them by giving them space and time for themselves. By nurturing their well-being, you contribute to their overall resilience and ability to cope with challenges.

6. Avoid Judgment and Criticism

In moments of vulnerability, it is crucial to avoid judgment and criticism. Negative or critical remarks can be detrimental to your partner's well-being, exacerbating their difficulties. Instead, practice empathy, understanding, and unconditional positive regard. Create an environment where your partner feels safe expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. Remember, your role is to support and uplift, rather than criticize or belittle.

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed

Recognize when professional help may be beneficial. If your partner's challenges persist or intensify, encourage them to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor. Professional intervention can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and personalized guidance to navigate their difficulties. By encouraging this step, you demonstrate your commitment to their well-being and the health of your relationship.

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Supporting your partner during difficult times is a testament to the strength and resilience of your relationship. By fostering open communication, empathy, and understanding, you create a safe space for them to share their struggles. Being present, offering practical support, and encouraging self-care can significantly alleviate their burdens. Remember, each individual's journey is unique, and seeking professional help when necessary is a sign of strength and commitment.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Are You Arguing with Your Spouse?

Many couples believe that arguing with their spouse is a sign of a troubled relationship. However, the truth is that disagreements are a natural part of any healthy relationship. In fact, it's normal and even healthy for couples to have arguments from time to time. Here are some reasons why it's okay to argue with your spouse.

1. It allows for honest communication: Arguing with your spouse can provide an opportunity for honest communication. When couples argue, they are expressing their true feelings, thoughts, and concerns. This kind of communication is essential to building a strong and healthy relationship.

2. It helps to resolve conflicts: Disagreements can provide an opportunity to resolve conflicts. When couples argue, they are addressing issues that need to be resolved. By working through these conflicts together, couples can strengthen their relationship and create a deeper understanding of each other.

3. It shows that you care: Arguing with your spouse can also be a sign that you care about each other. When couples argue, they are expressing their passion, which is a sign of emotional investment in the relationship. It shows that you are willing to stand up for your beliefs and values, which can create a more meaningful relationship.

4. It leads to growth and learning: Arguing with your spouse can also lead to personal growth and learning. When couples argue, they are challenging each other's perspectives, which can lead to new insights and understanding. By working through conflicts and disagreements, couples can learn from each other and grow together.

5. It can bring you closer together: Finally, arguing with your spouse can actually bring you closer together. When couples argue, they are working through difficult issues together, which can create a stronger bond. By being willing to engage in difficult conversations, couples can create a deeper connection and a more intimate relationship.

Arguing with your spouse is a natural and healthy part of any relationship. It allows for honest communication, helps to resolve conflicts, shows that you care, leads to growth and learning, and can bring you closer together. The key is to approach arguments with respect, empathy, and a willingness to listen to each other's perspectives. By doing so, you can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth and strengthen your relationship in the process.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Attachment Theory

One theory that can be utilized to better understand human development is attachment theory. Attachment theory was created by John Bowlby and the additional work of Mary Ainsworth. The theory has four main ideas: 

1. The first is that children develop emotional attachments to their familiar caregivers between the ages of 6 and 30 months. 

2. The second idea is that children show their emotional attachments by demonstrating preferences for certain familiar people and tend to want to be near those people. Children desire to use these familiar people as secure bases to explore the environment. 

3. The third idea is that these early emotional attachments contribute to the foundation of emotional experiences and personality development in later life. Attachment theory emphasizes that the behaviors exhibited by a toddler towards their familiar adults will have some continuity to the social behaviors shown later in life in different important relationships. 

4. The fourth idea is that certain events, such as separation of the toddler from familiar people (because of death, incarceration, family removal, etc.) will have short-term or possible long-term, negative impacts on the child’s emotional and cognitive development. Inability for a caregiver to be warm, consistent, responsive, and supportive of the child’s needs, will also result in negative impacts on the child’s ability to form secure attachments throughout the life span. 

Attachment theory outlines four different attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious-ambivalent attachment, anxious-avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. 

• Secure attachment is believed to be the ideal style and is characterized by the child feeling secure in the presence of their caregiver and will be able to explore freely while the caregiver is there. A securely attached child is upset when the caregiver departs, but happy to see them when they return. 

• In contrast, an anxious-ambivalent attachment style is characterized by the child feeling upset when the caregiver leaves, but unable to feel reassured when the caregiver returns. The child may continue to cry and have difficulty feeling comforted by the return of their caregiver. 

• An anxious-avoidant style is demonstrated by the child showing little emotion when the caregiver departs or returns and will not explore much regardless of who is present. 

• Disorganized attachment is characterized by a lack of attachment behavior and the child will show overt displays of fear and contradictory behaviors. This is characterized by the child both reaching for comfort, and pulling away. 

John Bowlby emphasized in his work on Attachment Theory that there is an innate human need for connectedness, and this need exists throughout the lifetime, from cradle to grave. Due to the lasting need for connection even into adulthood, learning about your attachment style can be a crucial step in better understanding how you show up in relationships and relate to others. If you are interested in learning more and discovering your own attachment style, book an Adult Attachment Interview today! 

Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering

When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things: 

1. Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.

2. Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help. 

The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other. 

The first stage is Idealization. 

This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises. 

The idealization phase may include: 

• Love-bombing

• A lot of attention given to partner

• Grandiose gestures

• Elaborate gifts and dates

• Discussing marriage

• Lack of boundaries

• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

• Quickly moving into intimacy

• Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).

The second phase is devaluation.

During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.  

The devaluation phase might include:  

• Attempting to change their partner

• Increasing criticism and insults

• Gaslighting

• Physical threats

• Poor communication

• Increased violation of boundaries

• Triangulation

• More isolation or control over their partner

• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).

Finally, the third phase is rejection. 

In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with. 

The rejection phase may include: 

• Feelings of contempt and rage

• Betraying the relationship

• Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them

• Playing the victim

• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).

Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery. 

1. Label the Abuse

Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.  

2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.

Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave. 

3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.  

4. Seek Support

The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills. 

5. Rediscover Yourself

In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it. 

There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!

By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional Resources: 

Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support

https://narcissisticabusevictims.org/

You Are Not Alone - Educate Yourself - Find Support - Get Healed - Find Peace Again - Narcissist Abuse Support

Why do we feel the way we feel? The Power of Attachment

How you show love, how you feel connection, and how you relate to others is all influenced by your attachment style. The key factors that define the quality and security of an attachment bond are based on two questions:

·   Can I count on you?

·   Am I worthy of your love?

It might surprise you that the way you learn to love in infancy can have a direct impact on how you navigate adult relationships. This idea stems from attachment theory, which was first developed in the 1950’s by the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. According to attachment theory, a persons’ attachment style is created and shaped during their first years of life, in response to the relationship dynamics with their primary caregivers. Essentially, adult attachment styles are believed to mirror the attachment style learned in childhood with the primary caregiver. In infancy and early childhood, attachment style is developed based on how our basic needs for food, security, and connection, are met. Attachment styles can be thought of as different internal working models of relationships that have evolved from life experiences.

There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Secure attachment:

Secure attachment style is characterized by an ability to view oneself as basically loveable, and an ability to view others as generally reliable and responsive. A secure attachment is first developed in childhood if your caregiver was able to be emotionally available, offer reassurance and validation, and make you feel safe and understood. In adulthood, a securely attached individual can depend on others while also maintaining their individuality. A securely attached person has an easier time trusting and accepting others and allows people to get close to them. They are not afraid of intimacy and don’t feel a sense of panic if a partner needs space or time away.

Anxious attachment:

Anxious attachment style is represented by a deep fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and codependent tendencies. Anxious attachment style can stem from a lack of consistent parental support during infancy and early childhood. For example, this may look like a parent who is sometimes attentive, and sometimes pushing away. This inconsistency can create anxiety and beliefs about what we expect and can count on in relationships. In adulthood, an anxiously attached style usually presents itself in codependent tendencies or behaviors. This stems from that fear of abandonment or rejection. A person with an anxious attachment style usually has a hard time feeling worthy of love and therefore needs constant reassurance from their partners.

Avoidant Attachment:

Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a fear of intimacy and a lack of trust on the dependability of others. Avoidant attachment style can stem from growing up in an environment that is lacking sufficient parental support and supervision. For example, this could be the result of a neglectful or busy parent. It could also be a parent who is present, but not concerned with their child’s emotional needs and fears. In adulthood, a person with an avoidant attachment style usually has a hard time getting close to others and trusting them. Relationships can often feel suffocating for them, and they tend to maintain some distance from their partners, especially emotionally. An avoidant attached person usually prefers to rely on themselves because they have learned not to depend on others for their emotional needs.

Disorganized Attachment:

Disorganized attachment style is defined by extreme inconsistent behaviors in relationships and a lack of trust in others. A disorganized attachment style most commonly stems from a result of childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. The child often views their caregiver as both a source of comfort and fear, which leads to the disorganized, inconsistent behaviors. Adults with a disorganized attachment style often behave in unpredictable ways in relationships, and view their partner as being unpredictable. They waver between acting distant and independent and being emotional and codependent. Adults with disorganized attachment consistently seek out intimacy, while also fearing it and sometimes rejecting it when it gets too close.

It can be empowering to identify and understand your unique attachment style and where it stems from. Becoming aware of your feelings and behaviors in relationships can make the healing journey much easier. Through this exploration, new avenues of thinking and behaving can emerge to equip you for more secure relationships. If you are interested in learning more about your attachment style and how it influences your adult relationships, click on the link below to take a short attachment style quiz! For a deeper dive into attachment, book an appointment today to conduct an Adult Attachment Interview with one of our skilled clinicians.

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Written by: Jamie Rudden LMFTI 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI