SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
From Blame to Collaboration: Shifting the Way You Solve Problems Together
By shifting from blame to partnership, you and your partner can break old cycles and start building something new.
Why Blame Doesn’t Work—And What to Do Instead
When couples face stress—whether it's financial strain, parenting challenges, or emotional disconnection—it’s easy for communication to fall into the blame trap:
“You never help.”
“You always shut down.”
“If you just did what I asked…”
While these statements may offer momentary relief, they tend to create defensiveness, distance, and disconnection over time. Blame erodes trust. It positions one partner as the problem and the other as the judge.
But what if the problem isn’t your partner?
What if it’s the way you’re solving problems together?
Couples don’t thrive by avoiding challenges—they grow stronger when they learn to collaborate. By shifting from blame to partnership, you and your partner can break old cycles and start building something new.
What Is Externalizing the Problem?
In Narrative Therapy, we use a process called externalizing the problem. Instead of:
“You’re lazy.”
“You’re too emotional.”
“You’re impossible to talk to.”
We ask:
“How is stress affecting how we communicate?”
“What does overwhelm do to our connection?”
“How is this pattern getting in the way of us working together?”
The problem becomes something you face together rather than something one of you is doing to the other. This subtle but powerful shift can turn conflict into collaboration.
3 Tools for Team-Based Problem Solving
Gottman-Informed Strategies That Work
The Gottman Method offers evidence-based techniques to help couples communicate more effectively, manage conflict, and strengthen connection.
1. “Us vs. It” — Reframe the Problem
Instead of “you vs. me,” say:
“I think we’re getting stuck in miscommunication. Can we figure out how to understand each other better?”
This invites teamwork rather than defensiveness.
2. Explore the “Dreams Within Conflict”
Underneath most disagreements are deeper needs like autonomy, respect, security, or adventure. Ask:
“What does this really represent for you?”
“Is there a value or belief beneath your stance?”
“How can we honor both perspectives?”
Understanding these core needs fosters empathy and opens the door to true compromise.
3. Have a Stress-Reducing Conversation
Before problem-solving, reconnect emotionally. Try:
“What’s been weighing on you lately?”
“How can I support you this week?”
Couples who feel emotionally connected handle conflict with more care and resilience.
Focus on What Works
Inspired by Solution-Oriented Therapy
Rather than analyzing every misstep, look at what’s going right. Ask:
“When have we handled this better before?”
“What’s one small thing we could try differently?”
“What do we want instead of this?”
This helps shift the focus from past mistakes to future success.
Mindset Shifts That Support Collaboration
To move from conflict to cooperation, consider these reframes:
1. From “Fixing You” → “Helping Us”
Your partner isn’t a project to fix—they’re a person to partner with.
2. From “Win/Lose” → “Win/Win”
A strong solution meets both people’s needs—not just one.
3. From “Perfect Outcome” → “Better Process”
You don’t have to get it right every time. Collaboration means learning together.
When to Get Help
If every conversation turns into a fight…
If you're walking on eggshells…
If you feel like you’re talking past each other…
It might be time to bring in a couples therapist.
As a trained Gottman and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) clinician, I can help you:
Slow down difficult conversations
Identify patterns that keep you stuck
Rebuild emotional safety
Practice new ways of relating
You don’t have to do this alone—and you don’t have to keep fighting the same battles.
You’re on the Same Team
Blame makes enemies. Collaboration builds partners.
When you shift from me vs. you to us vs. the issue, everything begins to change.
You stop cycling in frustration—and start moving forward. Together.
Want Support Navigating Conflict in Your Relationship?
At South Tampa Therapy, we help couples just like you learn how to communicate, collaborate, and reconnect—without blame, shame, or scorekeeping.
📍 Virtual and In-Person Couples Counseling in Florida
💬 Book your consultation https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Nichole
The Simple Formula That Keeps Couples Happy
At South Tampa Counselor, we specialize in helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re working through conflict, rebuilding trust, or simply looking to deepen your connection, our evidence-based approaches, including the Gottman Method and Emotion-Focused Therapy, can provide the tools you need.
By Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, South Tampa Therapy Owner, Counselor & Supervisor
What’s the secret to a happy and lasting relationship? Some psychologists believe it boils down to a simple yet powerful formula: the 5:1 ratio. This concept, developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Robert Levenson of the renowned Gottman Institute, emphasizes the importance of balancing negativity with positivity in your relationship.
For every negative interaction—like criticism, defensiveness, or dismissiveness—there should be at least five positive interactions to maintain a healthy and happy connection.
The Research Behind the 5:1 Formula
In the 1970s, Dr. Gottman and Dr. Levenson began studying couples by observing how they handled disagreements. Through this research, they achieved a stunning 90% accuracy in predicting which couples would stay together and which would divorce. Their conclusion? Successful couples weren’t conflict-free, but they maintained more positive interactions than negative ones—even during arguments.
According to Dr. Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, anger itself isn’t necessarily destructive in a marriage. However, when anger is paired with criticism, contempt, or defensiveness, it can erode trust and connection. The antidote is intentional effort to repair and connect during conflicts, ensuring that positivity outweighs negativity.
How to Build More Positive Interactions
You don’t need grand gestures to boost the 5:1 ratio. Dr. Gottman outlines small but meaningful behaviors that couples can practice to strengthen their bond—even during disagreements. Here are a few ways to create more positivity in your relationship:
1. Show Interest
When your partner shares a complaint or concern, be genuinely curious about what’s upsetting them. Ask follow-up questions, show understanding through body language, and avoid dismissing their feelings. This simple act of listening makes your partner feel heard and valued.
2. Express Affection
In the middle of a heated discussion, a kind word, a reassuring touch, or verbal affirmation can go a long way. These small acts of affection can lower stress and remind your partner that you’re on the same team.
3. Make Small, Meaningful Gestures
Simple, consistent gestures—like a compliment, an unexpected hug, or a thoughtful text—act as “buffers” during moments of tension. These signals of care build a positive emotional bank that helps sustain your relationship through tough times.
4. Focus on Common Ground
Even during an argument, emphasize the points you agree on. This shared understanding can create momentum toward resolving the issue and helps both partners feel aligned.
5. Empathize and Apologize
Empathy is one of the deepest forms of connection. Acknowledging your partner’s feelings—even if you don’t fully agree—can diffuse tension. If you’ve hurt your partner, offer a sincere apology. Repairing emotional wounds is key to rebuilding trust.
6. Accept Their Perspective
You don’t have to agree with your partner to respect their viewpoint. Validation shows that you value their thoughts and experiences, even if they differ from yours.
7. Share a Joke or Playful Moment
Humor can be a powerful tool for diffusing conflict. Sharing a lighthearted joke or playful moment can break tension and remind you both of the joy in your connection.
Why the 5:1 Formula Works
The beauty of the 5:1 formula lies in its simplicity. When couples focus on consistent, small acts of connection, they build a reservoir of goodwill and emotional safety. This makes it easier to navigate conflicts and maintain closeness over time.
Remember, no relationship is perfect, and disagreements are inevitable. What sets happy couples apart is their ability to repair and reconnect—turning moments of tension into opportunities for deeper intimacy.
Strengthen Your Relationship Today
At South Tampa Counselor, we specialize in helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re working through conflict, rebuilding trust, or simply looking to deepen your connection, our evidence-based approaches, including the Gottman Method and Emotion-Focused Therapy, can provide the tools you need.
If you’re ready to create more positive interactions and nurture your relationship, contact us today to schedule a session.
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist
❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩❤️👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA