How to Use a Super Bill for Potential Reimbursement in Therapy

Starting Therapy

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, CCTP, NCC, Ph.D.

Learn all about leveraging a super bill to maximize insurance reimbursement for your counseling sessions at South Tampa Therapy.

Counseling is a vital investment in your mental health, well-being, and interpersonal connections. If you're curious about utilizing insurance coverage for therapy, continue reading to discover our FAQs or reach out to us at 813-240-3237.

How to Utilize Insurance with South Tampa Therapy:

At South Tampa Therapy, we only accept United, Aetna, and Cigna. We also presently do not accept insurance directly from any other insurance company. Instead, clients pay for online or in person therapy sessions upfront, with charges processed via their card on file. As an out-of-network provider, reimbursement isn't guaranteed unless explicitly outlined in your policy. However, we provide a super bill for potential partial reimbursement. Before commencing services, we advise contacting your insurance to inquire about out-of-network coverage. Should you prefer an in-network provider, we're happy to assist with referrals.

Key Questions to Ask Your Insurance Before Starting with South Tampa Therapy:

Contact your insurance's member services and inquire about out-of-network coverage for telehealth mental health services. Clarify:

• Deductible status and amount remaining.

• Coverage limit for sessions annually.

• Reimbursement rates for CPT codes 90834 and 90837.

• Coverage for Z codes pertaining to couples therapy.

• Co-payment details (if applicable).

• Requirements for prior authorization or primary care provider approval.

• Super bill submission process, including deadlines.

• Correct address for reimbursement checks.

Understanding the Super Bill:

A super bill serves as a detailed record of therapy services received, facilitating potential reimbursement. It must include:

• Client and therapist details.

• Statement number and issuance date.

• Diagnosis and corresponding code.

• Service specifics and fees paid.

Points to Consider Before Submitting a Super Bill:

• Reimbursement necessitates a clinical diagnosis from DSM–5 or ICD-10.

• Couples therapy may not be reimbursed by insurance due to diagnostic requirements.

• Discuss any diagnosis-related concerns with your therapist.

Submitting Your Super Bill:

Most insurers mandate submitting super bills within 90 to 180 days to meet timely filing requirements. Options include:

1. Mail: Obtain the insurer's mailing address and allow ample time for delivery.

2. Fax: Ensure privacy by avoiding public or work fax machines.

3. Online Portal: Utilize the insurer's secure portal for faster submission.

Post-Submission Expectations:

Insurers typically take 2-4 weeks to process super bills. Reimbursement may cover session costs minus co-pays or contribute towards deductibles. In case of denial, contact your insurer for clarification.

By optimizing your understanding of super bills and insurance processes, you can navigate potential reimbursement for therapy sessions effectively. For further assistance, reach out to South Tampa Therapy 813-240-3237.

The Gottman Approach: Understanding the Role of Proprioception and Homunculus in Relationship Dynamics

Introduction: In the realm of relationship counseling and therapy, the Gottman Approach stands out as a beacon of empirical research and practical strategies for fostering healthy, lasting connections. While many are familiar with the Gottman Method's emphasis on communication skills and emotional attunement, there's another crucial aspect often overlooked: proprioception and homunculus. In this blog post, we'll delve into why these concepts are essential in understanding and improving relationship dynamics according to the Gottman Approach.

Understanding Proprioception: Proprioception refers to the body's ability to sense its position, movement, and actions in space. It's what allows us to navigate the world without constantly looking at our limbs or surroundings. In the context of relationships, proprioception plays a fundamental role in how individuals perceive and respond to each other's physical presence and movements.

The Importance of Proprioception in Relationships: In intimate relationships, proprioception influences everything from nonverbal communication to physical touch and intimacy. Couples who are attuned to each other's proprioceptive cues can establish a deeper sense of connection and understanding without relying solely on verbal communication.

For example, a simple gesture like reaching out to hold hands or offering a comforting hug can convey reassurance, support, and love without the need for words. Likewise, being mindful of how our own body language and movements impact our partner's proprioceptive awareness can foster empathy and mutual respect in the relationship.

Exploring the Homunculus: The concept of the homunculus, derived from neuroscience, refers to a "map" of the body represented in the brain. It illustrates how different parts of the body are neurologically connected to specific areas of the brain, with certain regions being more sensitive or responsive than others.

In the context of relationships, the homunculus reminds us that physical touch and sensory experiences are deeply intertwined with emotional and psychological well-being. When partners engage in activities that stimulate their partner's homunculus – such as gentle caresses, massages, or shared physical activities – they activate neural pathways associated with pleasure, bonding, and attachment.

Practical Applications in the Gottman Approach: So, how does the Gottman Approach incorporate proprioception and homunculus awareness into couples therapy and relationship interventions? Here are a few key strategies:

1. Mindful Touch: Encouraging couples to engage in mindful touch exercises can enhance proprioceptive awareness and promote emotional connection. Activities such as hand-holding, back rubs, or synchronized movements can foster intimacy and closeness.

2. Sensory Exploration: Encouraging couples to explore each other's sensory preferences and sensitivities can deepen their understanding of each other's needs and desires. This may involve experimenting with different textures, temperatures, or sensations to enhance pleasure and connection.

3. Nonverbal Communication: Helping couples become more attuned to each other's nonverbal cues – such as body language, facial expressions, and physical gestures – can improve communication and conflict resolution skills. By paying attention to proprioceptive signals, partners can better regulate their own emotions and respond empathically to their partner's needs.

Conclusion: Incorporating proprioception and homunculus awareness into couples therapy can enrich the Gottman Approach and enhance its effectiveness in promoting healthy, fulfilling relationships. By understanding the profound impact of physical touch, sensory experiences, and nonverbal communication on relationship dynamics, couples can cultivate deeper intimacy, trust, and connection in their partnership.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

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Optimizing Couples Therapy: Exploring Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method

Unlocking the Power of Couples Counseling: A Comprehensive Comparison

Introduction: Choosing the Best Couples Therapy for You

Choosing the right couples therapy is crucial, considering the investment of time, money, and effort. In this Therapy Integration Series, we delve into two research-based approaches: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Gottman Couples Therapy (GCT). Explore their similarities, differences, and discover ways to integrate both for more resilient and loving relationships.

Common Ground: EFT and GCT

Foundations of Emotional Regulation and Connection

Dr. John Gottman (GCT) and Dr. Sue Johnson (EFT) converge on a fundamental principle: enhancing emotional regulation and connection between partners. Both methods focus on cultivating awareness of emotions, providing comfort during distress, and building a secure emotional bond. The goal is to enable partners to respond and support each other effectively.

Shared Traits: EFT and GCT

1. Short-Term Counseling Approaches: EFT and GCT offer structured, short-term therapy ranging from 8-30 sessions.

2. In-Session Practice: Both methods emphasize organizing interactions during sessions to facilitate new ways of opening up to each other.

3. Focus on Accessibility: EFT and GCT aim to increase emotional vulnerability and receptiveness, fostering accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.

4. Client-Centered Approach: Both approaches adopt a client-centered perspective, valuing self-actualization and unconditional positive regard.

Patterns and Habits: EFT and GCT's Common Focus

Both methods contribute to decreasing avoidance and enhancing positive interactional patterns. More details on these patterns will be explored later.

Distinguishing Characteristics: EFT vs. GCT

Emotionally Focused Therapy's View on Relationship Distress:

EFT posits that dysregulation occurs when a couple's bond is disrupted, leading to emotional, mental, and physical distress. Couples get trapped in self-perpetuating cycles, reinforcing avoidant and anxious attachment styles. EFT helps couples recognize these negative cycles, fostering compassion and responsiveness, ultimately creating a secure relationship bond.

Gottman Couples Therapy's Perspective on Relationship Distress:

Gottman identifies the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – as behaviors predicting relationship distress. Gottman's clinical approach, based on the "Sound Relationship House Theory," guides couples to deepen friendship, enhance conflict management, and create shared meaning.

Steps in EFT and GCT: Addressing Relationship Distress

Emotionally Focused Therapy Steps:

1. Assess conflict issues and feelings of separateness or connectedness.

2. Identify negative interactional cycles.

3. Express and share emotions underlying each partner's position in the cycle.

4. Reframe conflict understanding in terms of emotions and attachment needs.

5. Identify disowned needs and hidden aspects, sharing them with the partner.

6. Promote acceptance of vulnerable parts and foster new ways of relating.

7. Express needs and wants to create emotional engagement.

8. New solutions emerge for old relationship issues.

9. Solidify newfound cycles of emotional closeness and attachment.

Gottman Couples Therapy Steps:

1. Educate about active expressions of caring and teach emotional communication skills.

2. Increase appreciation, admiration, and create norms to improve safety.

3. Identify satisfying qualities for the relationship and understand personal aspirations.

4. Express emotions constructively, soothing tension after an argument.

5. Resolve unresolvable problems, accept influence, and compromise.

6. Honor each other's hopes and dreams in conflict resolution.

Integrating EFT and GCT: The Perfect Blend

Combine Emotionally Focused Therapy sessions with Gottman Couples Therapy resources for comprehensive support. EFT helps emotionally attune partners, creating a secure attachment, while Gottman tools provide tangible interventions for connecting between sessions. This integrated approach enhances the effectiveness of couples counseling.

Conclusion: Creating Lasting Bonds

For the ideal couples therapy fit, consider integrating Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman Couples Therapy. Partner with specialized therapists and leverage the practical tools provided by both methods to maximize the benefits of your counseling experience.

Explore Further:

• Eight Dates by John Gottman

• An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Veronica Kallos-Lilly

• Gottman Card Deck App

• Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

References:

• David, P. (2015). Wedding the Gottman and Johnson Approaches into an Integrated Model of Couple Therapy. The Family Journal, 23(4), 336–345.

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last? New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Book with Dr. Liz here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Text Dr. Liz on her cell phone 813-240-3237

Greetings from Antarctica: The Transformative Power of Travel Adventures on Mental Health and Well-being

As I climbed a snowy hill on the Antarctic Peninsula earlier today, I was struck by how exhilarating it felt to be in subzero temperatures far from the safety and comfort of home. And while friends back in Tampa frolicked in 80-degree weather, I couldn’t have been happier suiting up for an authentic polar plunge in freezing (literally) water. Why does travel, even to destinations closer to home, create feelings of happiness and renewal? 

In our fast-paced world filled with constant demands and pressures, the importance of prioritizing mental health and well-being has become increasingly evident. One avenue that offers a profound impact on mental health is embarking on traveling adventures. Beyond the thrill of exploration and discovery, traveling away from home and our daily hustle offers numerous benefits for mental health and overall well-being.

Stress Reduction and Relaxation

One of the most immediate benefits of adventures in travel is a reduction of stress and promotion of relaxation. Stepping away from familiar surroundings and routine allows us to disconnect from the stressors of daily life. Immersing oneself in new environments, whether it be a serene beach, a bustling city, or a lush mountain landscape, can have a profound impact on stress levels. The change of scenery and exposure to novel experiences trigger a relaxation response, leading to lowered cortisol levels and a sense of calmness.

Enhanced Creativity and Cognitive Flexibility

Travel also stimulates creativity and cognitive flexibility by exposing us to diverse cultures, landscapes, and perspectives. Our brains thrive on novelty, and the exploration of new environments encourages development of new neural connections. Engaging with different cultures fosters an open-minded approach and an ability to adapt to unfamiliar situations, ultimately enhancing cognitive flexibility. This newfound creativity and adaptability gained on our adventures positively impacts problem-solving skills and promotes a more resilient mindset.

Boost in Emotional Resilience

Even those annoying challenges and uncertainties while traveling contribute to the development of emotional resilience. Navigating through unfamiliar territories, dealing with unexpected situations (such as lost luggage), and adapting to diverse cultures all contribute to a heightened ability to cope with adversity. Overcoming these challenges fosters a sense of accomplishment and self-efficacy, reinforcing the belief that we can navigate through difficulties successfully. This increased emotional resilience gained from new adventures can have lasting positive effects on our overall mental health.

Connection and Social Well-being

Travel often involves interacting with new people, whether fellow travelers, locals, or tour guides. Building connections and socializing during these experiences can combat feelings of loneliness and contribute to a sense of belonging. Meeting new people provides us opportunities for personal growth, empathy, and the creation of lasting memories. Positive social experiences while on the road strengthens emotional bonds, reduces feelings of isolation, and contributes to an overall sense of happiness and well-being.

As individuals embark on journeys to explore the world, they not only witness the beauty of different landscapes but also experience transformative changes within themselves. By prioritizing and embracing the positive impact of traveling adventures on mental health, individuals can cultivate a more resilient and balanced approach to life, ultimately leading to a happier and healthier existence.

So drag out your suitcase and get packing!

Bon voyage,

Lana Phillips (Book and appointment with Lana Phillips here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/LanaPhillips

Navigating the Holidays: A Guide to Managing Family Dynamics

The holiday season is a time of joy, but for many, it can also be filled with challenges, from juggling competing family events to navigating tricky dinner table conversations. Kaitlin Lowey, Supervised Therapist at South Tampa Therapy, recently appeared on BLOOM to discuss strategies to help you gracefully handle tough decisions, diffuse uncomfortable inquiries, and build a holiday support toolkit to navigate the season with compassion and resilience.

TAMPA (BLOOM) – Mental Health professional Kaitlin Lowey joins Gayle Guyardo the host of the nationally syndicated health and wellness show Bloom to talk about strategies for navigating around family drama during the holidays. Kaitlin offers tips for competing family events, navigating uncomfortable topics and arming yourself with good coping mechanism skills – building your own “holiday mental health toolkit”.

Balancing Competing Family Events:

The holiday season often brings a flood of invitations, and sometimes, tough decisions must be made. It's essential to find a balance between compassion and setting boundaries. If you can't attend an event, communicate openly with family members, expressing your disappointment and assuring them of your love. Consider alternative ways to show you care, such as sending a thoughtful gift or a recorded video message.

However, declining an invitation may not always be received well, and it's crucial to address any hurt feelings with empathy. Engage in a conversation, acknowledging the emotions involved and expressing your love for the family member. If the conversation becomes especially challenging and combative, it's acceptable to gracefully end it, emphasizing the need for a healthier discussion in the future. Remember, it's impossible to meet everyone's expectations, and you are not responsible for managing others' emotions. Firmly, yet politely, set boundaries if a conversation becomes overly guilt-tripping or berating.

Deactivating Uncomfortable Conversations:

Navigating personal inquiries and avoiding political clashes at the holiday dinner table requires finesse. When faced with uncomfortable questions, employ humor, change the subject, or kindly request a shift in conversation. By addressing the discomfort directly but respectfully, you can redirect the dialogue to more pleasant topics.

In a politically charged climate, choose your battles wisely. Thanksgiving dinner may not be the ideal setting for heated debates. If a hot-button topic arises, acknowledge the other person's passion and gracefully steer the conversation elsewhere. If the issue persists, express your desire for a peaceful gathering and propose revisiting the topic at a more appropriate time. If it’s not possible to shift the conversation, you can simply gracefully exit the conversation.

Building Your Holiday Support Toolkit:

Creating a toolkit for navigating the holiday season can provide valuable coping mechanisms. Here are a few ideas:

• Identify a trusted person to lean on, whether it's a cousin or a spouse, as your go-to support. Having someone to vent to or seek solace from can make a significant difference.

• Plan in advance for triggering topics, deciding on responses that maintain harmony, such as using humor, redirecting the conversation, or finding an exit from the interaction. 

• Develop personal mantras to reinforce your self-worth and resilience during challenging moments. Whether it's reminding yourself that you’re exactly where you need to be on your life journey or acknowledging that you are not responsible for managing others’ disappointment regarding your choices, mantras can be powerful assets. 

• Finally, if all else fails, allow yourself a moment of respite. Sneak away to the bathroom for a few minutes to collect your thoughts, take deep breaths, or engage in a quick meditation. Prioritizing your mental well-being ensures a more enjoyable holiday experience.

The holiday season is a time for joy, connection, and celebration. By employing these strategies, you can navigate the challenges with grace, fostering positive relationships and creating lasting memories. Remember, your well-being is paramount, and with a thoughtful approach, you can make the most of the holidays while maintaining your peace of mind.

By: Kaitlin Lowey

Navigating Relationship Struggles: How Individual Marriage Therapy Can Make a Difference

Introduction:

In the journey of marriage, challenges are inevitable. Sometimes, seeking professional guidance through marriage therapy can be a transformative step towards a healthier, happier relationship. However, what happens when your spouse is unwilling to participate? In this blog post, we'll explore the significant benefits of individual marriage therapy and how it can positively impact your relationship, even when your partner is hesitant.

Focus:

- Individual marriage therapy

- Relationship struggles

- Marriage counseling for one

- Coping skills

- Emotional well-being

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1. **Understanding the Power of Individual Marriage Therapy**

Individual marriage therapy, also known as individual relationship counseling, is a tailored approach designed to help one partner navigate the complexities of a relationship, even if the other partner is not involved. It provides a space for self-reflection, personal growth, and learning valuable relationship skills.

2. **Gaining Clarity and Perspective**

Marriage therapy for one offers a unique opportunity to gain clarity about your feelings, needs, and expectations in the relationship. A skilled therapist can help you see the situation from a different perspective, enabling you to make more informed decisions about your marriage.

3. **Developing Effective Communication Skills**

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. In individual marriage therapy, you'll learn valuable communication techniques that can be applied to interactions with your spouse. These skills can help create a more open, understanding, and respectful dialogue.

4. **Coping Mechanisms and Emotional Well-being**

Marriage challenges often bring about emotional distress. Individual therapy equips you with coping mechanisms to manage stress, anxiety, and other emotions. This not only benefits your relationship but also enhances your overall well-being.

5. **Fostering Personal Growth and Self-Improvement**

Through the process of therapy, you'll have the opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement. This can lead to increased self-awareness, confidence, and a stronger sense of self, which in turn positively impacts your relationship dynamics.

6. **Setting Healthy Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care**

Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Individual therapy empowers you to establish boundaries that promote mutual respect and understanding. Additionally, it encourages self-care practices that contribute to your overall happiness and fulfillment.

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Conclusion:

In conclusion, individual marriage therapy can be a powerful tool for personal and relational growth, even if your spouse is unwilling to participate. By gaining clarity, honing communication skills, and prioritizing your emotional well-being, you can positively influence the dynamics of your marriage. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and investing in your own growth can lead to positive changes in your relationship. If you're considering individual marriage therapy, take that first step towards a healthier, happier partnership.

Book a session with Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, LPC, LCPC, CCTP, NCC, DCC, Ph.D, Gottman & EFT Couples Counselor, NVC Compassionate Communication Specialist, and Trauma Informed Therapist!

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Transform Your Relationship: Evidence-Based Couples Therapy in South Tampa

Introduction

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, even the strongest relationships can face challenges. If you're seeking to enhance your connection, improve communication, and resolve conflicts, evidence-based couples therapy might be the beacon of hope you're looking for. In this blog post, we'll explore the benefits of evidence-based couples therapy, with a focus on communication and conflict resolution, right here in South Tampa.

Understanding Evidence-Based Couples Therapy

Evidence-based couples therapy is a scientifically validated approach that draws on proven techniques to help couples navigate the complexities of their relationship. It's not about guesswork; it's about using strategies that have been rigorously tested and shown to be effective.

Specializing in Communication

1. Active Listening: Effective communication begins with truly hearing and understanding your partner. Through evidence-based techniques, couples learn the art of active listening, ensuring both voices are heard.

2. Expressing Needs Clearly: Often, miscommunication arises from unclear expressions of needs. In therapy, couples learn to articulate their desires in a way that is constructive and comprehensible to their partner.

3. Non-Verbal Cues: Much of our communication happens without words. Evidence-based therapy helps couples become attuned to non-verbal cues, fostering a deeper level of understanding.

Conflict Resolution: A Vital Component

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. What matters most is how it's handled. Evidence-based couples therapy equips partners with essential conflict resolution skills:

1. Identifying Core Issues: Often, surface-level conflicts mask deeper, underlying issues. Therapy helps unearth these core concerns, allowing for more effective resolution.

2. Constructive Communication during Conflict: Instead of resorting to harmful patterns, couples learn how to communicate constructively even in the midst of disagreement.

3. Finding Common Ground: Evidence-based techniques guide couples towards finding solutions that are acceptable to both parties, strengthening the relationship in the process.

Couples Therapy in South Tampa: Your Path to Transformation

For couples seeking evidence-based therapy specializing in communication and conflict resolution, South Tampa is home to a wealth of experienced and dedicated professionals. With their expertise, you can embark on a journey towards a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Conclusion

In the heart of South Tampa, evidence-based couples therapy is available to guide you towards a more harmonious partnership. By honing your communication skills and mastering conflict resolution, you can transform your relationship into one that thrives. Don't wait to take this important step towards a brighter future together. Reach out to a qualified couples therapist in South Tampa today and rediscover the love and connection you deserve.

Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships

Introduction

Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.

Understanding the Gottman Approach

1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.

2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.

3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.

Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out

1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.

3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.

The Power of Integration

When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.

1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.

2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.

3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.

Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant

All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all

Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.

Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.

No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.

You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse. 

Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:

•   Secure attachment style

•   Anxious attachment style

•   Avoidant attachment style

If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.

The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.

People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:

•   The way they see intimacy and togetherness.

•   The way they deal with conflict.

•   Their behavior towards sex.

•   Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.

•   Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.

• In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing

Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.

But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.

The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.

However, total change isn't always necessary.

Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.

Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.

Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.

It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.

When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.

Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.

When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.

Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.

If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:

•   If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.

•   Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.

• You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.

Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.

Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:

•   Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.

•   Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.

•   Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.

• Assess their reaction to effective communication.

•   Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing                                                               

  Things to note before getting serious with a partner

• When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.

• People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.

• Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.

• If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.

  If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:

• You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.

• You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.

• You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so. 

• You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.                                                

• Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.

Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way

Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.

Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.

Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:

•   Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"

•   Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner

•   Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts

•   Not saying, "I love you," often

•   Avoiding physical closeness

If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.

Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.

An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.

However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:

•   Identifying deactivating strategies.

•   Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.

•   Being with a very secure partner.

•   Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.

Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.

Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.

It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.

Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.

People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.

So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.

Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:

•   Great conflict deflators

•   Mentally flexible and smart

•   Effective and great communicators (NVC)

•   Avoids game playing

•   Comfortable with closeness and boundaries

•   Quick to forgive

•   Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one

•   Treats their partners like royalty, with respect

•   Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship

•   Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing

There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.

Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:

•   Manage conflict effectively 

•   Don't play games

•   Be comfortable with closeness

•   Set boundaries

•   Be quick to forgive

• Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

•   Have mental flexibility

•   Communicate compassionately and effectively

•   Be secure in your power to improve the relationship

•   Treat your partner like royalty

• Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously 

Conclusion

Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.

Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.

It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.

It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?

How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.

Try this:

• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).

• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.

• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness   

• Have trust and patience in your partner.

• Learn about the Gottman Approach.

Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD

Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.

In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.

Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.

The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.

NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.

Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.

It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.

It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.

In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.

When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.

Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.

Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.

Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.

Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

How I Integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy

Integrating the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy allows for a flexible approach that can shift between relationship-building and attachment-oriented therapy based on the client's needs. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Susan Johnson conducted pioneering research on creating happy and lasting relationships. Initially known primarily in academic circles, their work provided an empirical foundation to the often chaotic and unpredictable field of couples therapy.

Both Gottman and Johnson developed unique models of successful adult relationships, based on different perspectives and data sets. Gottman's research focused on longitudinal and observational studies of couples, examining both distressed relationships and satisfying ones. Johnson, on the other hand, drew from the theoretical framework of John Bowlby and her extensive experience in decoding and tracking couples therapy sessions, resulting in an empirical model of couples therapy.

The Gottmans emphasized relationship skill-building and an existential lens, while Johnson's approach was firmly grounded in Attachment Theory. There were also differences in their views on couples therapy and the role of the therapist. The Gottmans cautioned against therapists becoming indispensable to the couple and encouraged coaching couples to manage their own conflicts and intimacy. Johnson, however, saw the therapist as a "secure base" and aimed to create a secure container where anxiously or avoidantly attached partners could express vulnerable feelings and needs.

Despite their differences, the exciting development lies in the convergence of their approaches and the ability to seamlessly integrate both in couples therapy. This integration allows therapists to adapt their approach based on the couple's emotional system.

When working with couples, I begin with the Gottman Method, using the Sound Relationship House model. It provides a practical and understandable framework that couples can readily adopt. The structured assessment process of the Gottman Method is reassuring and transparent, allowing couples to share their story, be heard individually and together, and identify their relationship strengths and areas for growth. The process instills hope as strengths are highlighted, growth areas are connected with specific skills to be learned, and couples leave with a roadmap for their therapeutic journey.

However, the real work starts when addressing the emotional focus and the influence of attachment histories, styles, and internal working models in intimate relationships, as recognized by both Gottman and Johnson. While helping couples replace destructive patterns with healthier alternatives, I am attuned to their negative emotional cycles and unresolved hurts. With Gottman's language and relationship science in one hand and Johnson's emotion-focused and interpersonal tools in the other, I weave both approaches into the therapeutic process.

For example, when addressing criticism and contempt, I provide practical information to one spouse while simultaneously validating and exploring the attachment needs and emotions of the other partner. I employ Gottman's structured exercises, such as the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident form, to help couples process arguments and improve their dialogue. Simultaneously, I examine the underlying dynamics of the conflict, considering attachment histories and their impact on individuals' ability to let go of anger or offer tenderness.

The integration of Gottman and Johnson becomes evident in working with bids, turning towards, and processing failed bids. I understand that not all hurts are equal and that certain emotional injuries can be traumatic, triggering deeply held beliefs about oneself, the partner, and relationships. Gottman's Sound Relationship House theory helps couples understand the connection between emotional bank accounts and the overall health of the relationship. Johnson's tools, on the other hand, aid in repairing depleted emotional accounts, acknowledging and healing attachment injuries, and restoring the bond between partners.

While I confess my initial affinity for the Gottman Method, finding comfort in its alignment with my therapeutic style, Johnson's approach challenges me to navigate the depths of primary emotions.

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2007). Marital Therapy: A research-based approach. Training manual for the Level I professional workshop for clinicians. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown and Company.

Meunier, V. and Baker, W. (2012). Positive Couple Relationships: The evidence for long lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Roffey, S. (Ed.) Positive Relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world. Sydney, Australia: Springer Publications.

Young, M.A. (2005). Creating a Confluence: An Interview With Susan Johnson and John Gottman. The Family Journal, 13(2), 219-225.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, Ph.D

Book an appointment with Dr. Liz: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Preparing for the Climb: what to expect in your first therapy session

Congratulations on scheduling your first counseling appointment! If this is your first time in therapy, you may be wondering what it’s going to be like that first appointment. Even if it’s not your first venture into counseling, it’s helpful to know what to expect with your new counselor (me). 

I like to think of undertaking therapy as similar to climbing a mountain. Just like the steps one takes to prepare for an intense climb, the therapy process starts with gathering information, taking stock of your equipment/tools, and making a plan. Using this metaphor, let’s talk about the first step in therapy: the intake appointment. 

Step 1: Meet your climbing partner 

Climbing a mountain is hard work. It helps to take a climbing partner with you – ideally someone who has climbed before and is dedicated to walking with you through the most challenging parts. The same is true with counseling. During your first session, I will introduce myself to you and go over a few important details about the counseling process. 

A little bit about your climbing partner/therapist: Right now I am a Supervised Therapist at South Tampa Therapy, which means I am counseling under the supervision and licensure of Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney while I finish up my final 18 weeks of my Masters in Counseling program Northwestern University. (Previously, I spent 12 years working in corporate America.) My current education has qualified and prepared me to counsel individuals, couples, and families experiencing a variety of life challenges, and over the past year I have accumulated 1,000 hours of experience in clinical mental health settings. I take a collaborative, integrative, and holistic approach, which means I look at the whole person and pull in evidence-based tools from various counseling theories based on what we both believe will be most helpful for you. (Approaches I often use for individuals include Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) including Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP), Narrative, Internal Family Systems, and Psychodynamic; for couples, I also use Gottman and Emotion-Focused Therapy.) 

Step 2: Learn about the climb

A climber needs to be informed about the mountain they are climbing, including any risks, benefits, requirements, and special considerations. You should know the same at the outset of your counseling journey. During the first session, I will tell you what counseling is, what you can generally hope to accomplish, any risks, and what the process will entail. Counseling is a collaborative process aimed at helping clients achieve mental health and wellness. It takes work on the part of the therapist and the client. Together, we will identify goals, gain insight, work through challenges, and practice new skills. If you are here for couples counseling, we will develop insight into what is underlying any relationship problems and then work to heal wounds, resolve conflict, and improve communication. 

Now, about the risks. While counseling is successful for many people, like any endeavor, there is not 100% certainty. It might not be the right time to climb the mountain, or I might not be the best climbing partner for you – and that’s ok if we find that out! I want the best for you. Also, talking about hard things can bring up difficult emotions – similar to training your muscles for a long climb, you may experience some emotional “soreness” along the way. That is why your counselor is here to train alongside you – so you’re not facing the journey alone!

Another important aspect of the therapy process is confidentiality and its limits. Confidentiality is of utmost importance to me, and I am also bound by law and my professional ethics to uphold it. Everything we talk about in session will stay in session. I may seek supervision from my supervisor (who is also bound by confidentiality) on aspects of your case to ensure I am providing the best possible care. There are only a few instances where I would be required by law to break confidentiality: if I believe you are going to harm yourself or another person, if there is suspected abuse of a child or vulnerable adult, or if my court records were to be subpoenaed (which is highly unlikely). 

Beyond confidentiality, we will cover policies and communication expectations – things like what to do if we run into each other out of the therapy room, how to get in touch between sessions, and cancellation/rescheduling expectations. I highly encourage questions about anything – I want you to feel confident and comfortable as we begin the journey. 

Step 3: Check equipment and readiness level

Embarking on a mountain climb without checking one’s equipment (what you bring with you) and readiness levels would not likely result in a successful outcome. My goal for counseling is to help you achieve your goals. And in order to do that, I need to get to know what you’re bringing with you in your emotional backpack! That’s why this first session will be more question-heavy than other sessions we will have together (where you will be doing most of the talking). I will ask you about your health, family history, and what symptoms you’re currently experiencing. Since we’re shaped by both nature (our genetic makeup) and nurture (family, community, experiences, and global events and messages), gathering information about these topics helps us get a sense of how these factors may be impacting you. Most importantly, I’ll ask what brings you to counseling now and what you’re hoping to get out of it. I may also administer one or more assessments that we can come back to over the course of treatment to check on progress. 

Step 4: Map out the journey 

During our first session, we’ll start to hone in on goals for our time together – you might think about it like determining which mountain (or mountains) we want to climb, how frequently it makes sense to train, and a goal for how quickly we can reach the top. Each person has unique goals. For instance, a goal may be to reduce the frequency, intensity, and duration of anxious  thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it could be to find clarity on a difficult, stressful decision. Or maybe it could be to improve communication in a relationship, process through a trauma, grieve a loss, or increase self-esteem. It’s possible that the goals will start out more general and become more specific as we gain more clarity on symptomatology. As we dive deeper, they may also shift. We might even add additional goals along the way! 

Goals are important because they provide direction for our work together. They also let us know if we’re on the right track or if we need to switch approaches. Finally, if we are successful during our time together, our goals will help inform when it’s time to begin winding down our sessions. 

With our goals set, we will discuss how frequently we want to meet (I usually recommend weekly to start with) and set our next appointment time. I may also ask you if you are ok with taking part in “practice” (which I find is a more palatable word than “homework”) between the intake and the next session. This could be, for example, reading a brief article, tracking your thoughts and feelings, journaling, or trying out a new coping tool. We can both expect to leave the intake with an idea of where we’ll be headed in therapy as well as what we’ll focus on in the next session. 

What to keep in mind when beginning counseling

Embarking on the counseling journey is a big decision – akin to standing in front of a tall mountain and making the decision to climb it. And the intake session is sort of like meeting your climbing partner for the first time, taking stock of your equipment, and mapping your route before the journey. It’s ok to feel a little nervous at this stage. It makes sense – talking about hard things and putting in the work is difficult! But know that as a counselor I am there with you, creating a nonjudgmental space to feel, process, and work through the most difficult parts of your experience. It’s so much easier to climb when you know you’re not doing it alone. And the view at the top? Well, it’s pretty spectacular.

Book with author of this blog post, Kaitlin Lowey, here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Harvard Study Reveals Key to Happiness and Health: Meaningful Relationships with Family, Friends, and Community

The Study

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, started in 1938, is the longest study on human life with a mission to uncover the secrets to good health and happiness. The original cohort of 268 student volunteers (including future president John F. Kennedy) has expanded over the years to include their offspring, varying socioeconomic classes, and women. Data collected reveals a surprising truth about us as human beings – our close relationships are what keep us happiest and healthiest throughout our lives.

Every few years, participants of the study have completed questionnaires regarding their health, marriages, careers, success and failures, and much more. They’ve shared their medical records and sat down for in-person interviews. After pouring over data and stories acquired over decades, scientists have discovered that the best predictor of health and happiness in life is having close connections with others. Our relationships are more important to our well-being than money, fame, social class, IQ, and even our genes. In fact, people who have strong, meaningful relationships in their 50s turn out to be the healthiest ones in their 80s. 

The Power of Human Connection

Why is human connection so powerful? Multiple studies reveal the positive impacts of social connections. Strong relationships lead to better mental health, lower rates of anxiety and depression, stronger immune systems, higher self-esteem, greater empathy towards others, improved ability to recover from disease, and can ultimately help us live longer lives. Think about how nice it feels to sit with others and share a piece of ourselves through stories and experiences. We laugh together, which releases endorphins in our body. Endorphins are those “feel good” hormones that give us a sense of well-being and can temporarily relieve pain. And the more we engage in social activities and reap the benefits of their impact, the more people WANT to be with us, thus creating a positive feedback loop of human connectedness.

The Effects of Loneliness

Why is loneliness so detrimental to our health? According to the Harvard study, loneliness is as harmful to us as alcoholism and smoking. In fact, we now know that feeling lonely can negatively impact our immune system, sleep patterns, blood pressure, stress hormones, and mental health. As we age over time, these impacts take a toll on our bodies and minds. And in our later years of life, social connections and support may be even harder to find with limits in mobility and a shrinking social cohort. Nurturing healthy relationships today help buffer the impact of entering our twilight years.

Becoming Connected with Others

How do we incorporate the findings of the Harvard study into our own lives for better health and happiness? How do we make new social connections and nurture the ones we already have? It’s easier than you think. Start with the people who already show up in your life. Set up date night with your partner. Go play with your kids. Reach out to a friend today and get something on the calendar – perhaps a walk along Bayshore Boulevard in the early morning or evening, a stroll through one of the various weekend markets we have in Tampa, a backyard cookout, or just a meaningful conversation on your front porch. It doesn’t need to be an expensive or time-consuming outing – it’s all about the connection.

And don’t forget to seek out opportunities in your community for expanding your social circle. Consider attending church on Sunday, finding a tennis or pickleball clinic, signing up for a cooking class, or mentoring a young person who needs guidance in life. All of these options and more are available to you. With knowledge gained from the Harvard study, we now know the key to a lifetime of happiness and good health – meaningful relationships. Let’s get started.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Why your therapist won’t tell you what to do

One question us therapists often hear from our clients is, “What should I do?”

It makes sense that a client would want our advice. After all, we are often the only people in our clients’ lives who know all of the intricate matters of their hearts. We sit with the ambivalent feelings, desires, and conundrums our clients find themselves encountering. And, because we aren’t interwoven in our clients lives in the way that a friend or family member is, we aren’t directly impacted by the decisions our clients make. In short, we get the full picture without being in the picture. So, why shouldn’t we give them advice? 

Let me answer this question by painting a picture of a hypothetical client scenario. In this situation, a client has been dissatisfied with her relationship for quite some time. She feels that her partner cannot connect with her on an emotional level, and their sex life has been lackluster for the past year. She explains the full details of her situation to her therapist and asks, “What should I do?” Her therapist says, “Well, it sounds like this may not be the best relationship for you. I think you should leave.” 

What are the possibilities coming out of this? Let’s consider a few. 1. The client leaves her partner but later feels she has made a mistake. 2. The client leaves her partner and is thrilled about making the decision, but she is robbed of her confidence in her ability to make her own decisions and relies on her therapist for all future major decisions. 3. The client stays in the relationship and no longer trusts the therapist's opinion. 4. The client finds that she actually resents being told what to do and ghosts her therapist, losing faith in therapy and never getting the therapeutic help that would have helped her confront her deeper underlying reasons for seeking help in the first place.

As you can see, there is no winning when we provide advice to our clients.

In fact, this can do more harm than good. When providing an opinion, we may also fall into the unethical trap of imposing our own beliefs and values onto our clients – a direct violation of our ethical code. We also strip our clients of the very empowerment they come to therapy to build. While providing an answer to our clients’ problems may temporarily provide relief from uncertainty, it also reinforces reliance on the therapist to provide a sense of certainty. We want our clients to stand in their own power and trust in themselves – and to believe that no matter what the outcome of their dilemma, they will be able to handle it. 

So, what do we do when our clients ask us, “What should I do?”

We have several approaches we can take. We can help our clients to think through the pros and cons of each choice. Through this process, we may collectively uncover possibilities our clients had not thought of before. We might even go deeper than the surface level questions, challenging catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, and other cognitive distortions. Perhaps we’ll find that the situation is not as bleak as it seems. If a client seems to be intellectualizing a choice, we might focus on expressing feelings and underlying needs. Contrary to popular belief, feelings and needs play an important role in decision-making and should not be ignored. Finally, we might explore how similar situations in the past are connected to the client’s emotions and beliefs about the current situation – or even confront the concepts of uncertainty and control more abstractly. 

We therapists are certainly flattered that our clients think our opinions are worth seeking on-high stakes decisions. But we also care about our clients enough to not tell them what to do. What we can do – and what is ultimately far more helpful – is  help them gain more insight into themselves. And this in itself is so powerful. Because when our clients know themselves better, they can make better-informed decisions that are aligned with their own goals, values, and beliefs.  

Book with Author Kaitlin Lowey: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/KaitlinLowey

Supporting Your Partner Through Difficult Times

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Life is filled with ups and downs, and during challenging moments, having a supportive partner can make all the difference. As a couple, navigating difficult times together can strengthen your bond and foster personal growth. Drawing from the perspective of a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), this blog post will explore effective ways to help your partner during tough moments, promoting a healthy and thriving relationship.

1. Foster Open Communication

Effective compassionate communication forms the foundation of any strong relationship. During difficult times, encourage your partner to express their thoughts and feelings openly. Provide a safe and non-judgmental space where they can freely share their concerns, worries, or frustrations. Actively listen, validate their emotions, and refrain from offering immediate solutions. Sometimes, all they need is a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.

2. Cultivate Empathy and Understanding

Empathy plays a vital role in supporting your partner through challenging times. Put yourself in their shoes, trying to understand their perspective and emotions. Recognize that their experience may differ from yours, and avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Show genuine compassion and validate their experiences, even if you cannot fully relate to their circumstances. Offering empathy allows your partner to feel heard and understood, strengthening the connection between you.

3. Be Present and Available

During difficult times, your partner may need your presence more than ever. Demonstrate your commitment by making time for them, ensuring your availability. Be physically and emotionally present, offering your support and undivided attention. Engage in activities they enjoy or simply spend quality time together. Your consistent presence and active involvement will foster a sense of security and reassurance during their challenging moments.

4. Provide Practical Support

Practical support can alleviate some of the burdens your partner may face. Assess their needs and identify practical ways you can assist them. This could involve helping with household chores, running errands, or taking on additional responsibilities. By sharing the load, you show your partner that you are in this together, reinforcing the idea that you are a team working through adversity.

5. Encourage Self-Care

Encourage and facilitate self-care practices for your partner. During difficult times, individuals may neglect their well-being. Help them prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, therapy, or pursuing hobbies they find fulfilling. Offer to join them in these activities, or support them by giving them space and time for themselves. By nurturing their well-being, you contribute to their overall resilience and ability to cope with challenges.

6. Avoid Judgment and Criticism

In moments of vulnerability, it is crucial to avoid judgment and criticism. Negative or critical remarks can be detrimental to your partner's well-being, exacerbating their difficulties. Instead, practice empathy, understanding, and unconditional positive regard. Create an environment where your partner feels safe expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. Remember, your role is to support and uplift, rather than criticize or belittle.

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed

Recognize when professional help may be beneficial. If your partner's challenges persist or intensify, encourage them to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor. Professional intervention can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and personalized guidance to navigate their difficulties. By encouraging this step, you demonstrate your commitment to their well-being and the health of your relationship.

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Supporting your partner during difficult times is a testament to the strength and resilience of your relationship. By fostering open communication, empathy, and understanding, you create a safe space for them to share their struggles. Being present, offering practical support, and encouraging self-care can significantly alleviate their burdens. Remember, each individual's journey is unique, and seeking professional help when necessary is a sign of strength and commitment.

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Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment