How I Integrate Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy

Integrating the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy allows for a flexible approach that can shift between relationship-building and attachment-oriented therapy based on the client's needs. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Susan Johnson conducted pioneering research on creating happy and lasting relationships. Initially known primarily in academic circles, their work provided an empirical foundation to the often chaotic and unpredictable field of couples therapy.

Both Gottman and Johnson developed unique models of successful adult relationships, based on different perspectives and data sets. Gottman's research focused on longitudinal and observational studies of couples, examining both distressed relationships and satisfying ones. Johnson, on the other hand, drew from the theoretical framework of John Bowlby and her extensive experience in decoding and tracking couples therapy sessions, resulting in an empirical model of couples therapy.

The Gottmans emphasized relationship skill-building and an existential lens, while Johnson's approach was firmly grounded in Attachment Theory. There were also differences in their views on couples therapy and the role of the therapist. The Gottmans cautioned against therapists becoming indispensable to the couple and encouraged coaching couples to manage their own conflicts and intimacy. Johnson, however, saw the therapist as a "secure base" and aimed to create a secure container where anxiously or avoidantly attached partners could express vulnerable feelings and needs.

Despite their differences, the exciting development lies in the convergence of their approaches and the ability to seamlessly integrate both in couples therapy. This integration allows therapists to adapt their approach based on the couple's emotional system.

When working with couples, I begin with the Gottman Method, using the Sound Relationship House model. It provides a practical and understandable framework that couples can readily adopt. The structured assessment process of the Gottman Method is reassuring and transparent, allowing couples to share their story, be heard individually and together, and identify their relationship strengths and areas for growth. The process instills hope as strengths are highlighted, growth areas are connected with specific skills to be learned, and couples leave with a roadmap for their therapeutic journey.

However, the real work starts when addressing the emotional focus and the influence of attachment histories, styles, and internal working models in intimate relationships, as recognized by both Gottman and Johnson. While helping couples replace destructive patterns with healthier alternatives, I am attuned to their negative emotional cycles and unresolved hurts. With Gottman's language and relationship science in one hand and Johnson's emotion-focused and interpersonal tools in the other, I weave both approaches into the therapeutic process.

For example, when addressing criticism and contempt, I provide practical information to one spouse while simultaneously validating and exploring the attachment needs and emotions of the other partner. I employ Gottman's structured exercises, such as the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident form, to help couples process arguments and improve their dialogue. Simultaneously, I examine the underlying dynamics of the conflict, considering attachment histories and their impact on individuals' ability to let go of anger or offer tenderness.

The integration of Gottman and Johnson becomes evident in working with bids, turning towards, and processing failed bids. I understand that not all hurts are equal and that certain emotional injuries can be traumatic, triggering deeply held beliefs about oneself, the partner, and relationships. Gottman's Sound Relationship House theory helps couples understand the connection between emotional bank accounts and the overall health of the relationship. Johnson's tools, on the other hand, aid in repairing depleted emotional accounts, acknowledging and healing attachment injuries, and restoring the bond between partners.

While I confess my initial affinity for the Gottman Method, finding comfort in its alignment with my therapeutic style, Johnson's approach challenges me to navigate the depths of primary emotions.

References:

Gottman, J.M. (2007). Marital Therapy: A research-based approach. Training manual for the Level I professional workshop for clinicians. Seattle, WA: The Gottman Institute.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little Brown and Company.

Meunier, V. and Baker, W. (2012). Positive Couple Relationships: The evidence for long lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In Roffey, S. (Ed.) Positive Relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world. Sydney, Australia: Springer Publications.

Young, M.A. (2005). Creating a Confluence: An Interview With Susan Johnson and John Gottman. The Family Journal, 13(2), 219-225.

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, Ph.D

Book an appointment with Dr. Liz: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

How To Build Self Confidence

Signs of Self-Confidence

Let's explore the meaning of self-confidence by taking a quiz. Read the list of statements below and check which ones, in your opinion, are signs of self-confidence.

1.    Admitting when you are wrong.

2.    Being flexible when change is needed.

3.    Talking about your accomplishments.

4.    Describing negative events in positive terms. For example, "We didn't make our target, but we sure learned a lot."

5.    Dressing to please yourself without worrying what others will think.

6.    Using a strong handshake.

7.    Using casual language in an effort to avoid sounding too "corporate." For example, "You guys did a cool thing."

8.    Speaking very fast.

9.    Smiling often.

10.    Learning new skills.

11.    Putting yourself down in order to sound humble.

Low Self-Confidence

Part of defining self-confidence is thinking about what low self-confidence is, what it looks and sounds like. Test yourself now. Circle the statements that convey a lack of self-confidence.

1.    "I may be wrong, but I think the answer is ten."

2.    "Thank you for the compliment. We're very proud of our work."

3.    "That was really stupid of me."

4.    "I forgot my business cards. I left them in the car."

5.    (Responding to a compliment) "Oh, I've had this dress for ten years."

6.    "I would have gotten into the program, but they don't like to take people with my background."

7.    "That sounds like a challenge. I'm sure we can figure out how to solve it, though."

8.    "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I wonder if I could have a minute of your time."

Compare your answers:

Answers to Quiz #1

Items 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 9, and 10 are generally signs of self-confidence. The others could be seen as self-sabotaging behaviors.

Answers to Quiz #2

Items 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 8 communicate low self-confidence. (Of course, there are no 100% right answers, since many of the statements depend on context, tone of voice, cultural interpretation, and other factors.)

Where Does Self-Confidence Come From?

Self-confidence is not something people are born with. It results from a combination of factors:

1.    Learned skill: Self-confidence is a combination of skills, not just a single quality. People are not born with it or without it. It can be learned.

2.    Practice: Self-confidence comes from practice. It may appear to be spontaneous, but it isn't.

3.    Internal locus of control: Self-confidence results from what psychologists call an internal locus (central point) of control. This means that people who are self-directing, who accept responsibility for their own results, have greater self-confidence.

8 Self-Confidence Builders

There are many concrete, specific things you can do to feel more confident in challenging life situations. Make note of those that will help you develop your own sense of self-confidence.

1.    Follow your strengths. Self-confidence comes from being the best "you" possible. It doesn't come from trying to be someone else. It is the result of following paths like these:

    ·    Do what comes naturally.

    ·    Develop your talents.

    ·    Follow your convictions.

    ·    Express your own style.

2.    Plan ahead. Many people are surprised to hear that self-confidence comes from something as ordinary as planning. But think about it; let's say you are going on a job interview, almost always an anxiety-producing experience. When you are prepared, you feel more confident.

3.    Take action. Confidence comes from taking action. Break your challenge down into small steps and take that first step, no matter how small it seems.

4.    Study. The more you know about your subject, the more confident you will feel. In fact, the lack of self-confidence almost always stems from a lack of information. We've all had that sick feeling that we don't fully understand what we are talking about.

5.    Act the part. The following tips will help you begin to present yourself in a positive way.

    ·    Find a role model. Look for someone who is already successful in your field. Observe him or her and identify for yourself what behaviors convey self-confidence.

    ·    Look and act powerful. Watch people who create a powerful impression. It could be a TV anchor, a character in a movie, or a coworker. Imagine yourself behaving in a similar way.

    ·    Be aware of nonverbal behavior that detracts from presenting yourself with confidence. Ask for feedback from a trusted friend or watch yourself on videotape.

6.    Rehearse for success. One of the most important ways to boost your self-confidence is by rehearsing important conversations and presentations. You can never be too prepared. These ideas will help you practice so that you really understand your subject:

    ·    Manage your anxiety. Feeling anxious is normal when you are in a challenging situation. The key is learning to manage anxiety so it doesn't paralyze you or diminish your effectiveness.

    ·    Get organized. When your materials are prepared and well-organized, you will feel better about your ability to access them. Having information scattered in too many places makes you feel out of control and undermines your self-confidence.

7.    Persist. Self-confidence is the result of a lot of hard work. The process takes time. It has been said that success is 99% persistence and 1% talent.

8.    Enjoy your success. When you reach your goal, don't forget to give yourself credit for working hard. Be proud of what you've accomplished. Here are some ways you can do this:

·    Look in the mirror and say to yourself, "Good work. I'm proud of you."

·    Think of a way to reward yourself.

·    Tell others about your success.

·    Write yourself a letter or explore your accomplishment in your journal.

·    Draw a picture expressing your achievement.

Journaling For Self Discovery

33 Ways to Use Your Journal for Self-Discovery and Self-Expression

As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they explore their feelings and thoughts by keeping a journal. Sometimes clients ask for a bit of direction with this process. Here are some journaling ideas if you're not sure where to start:

1.    Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.

2.    Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.

3.    Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.

4.    Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, all the small things, and everything in between that you can think of.

5.    Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing your appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.

6.    Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can't think of any more. Then choose the top five.

7.    For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.

8.    Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.

9.    Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.

10.    Describe how your life would be different if          had or had not happened.

    Here are some examples:

a.     If your parents had divorced

b.     If your parents had remained married

c.     If your parents had been married

d.     If your mother hadn't passed away

e.     If you hadn't moved to    

f.     If you had gone to college

g.     If you hadn't gone to college

h.     If you had gone to      College

i.     If you had never met        

j.     If you hadn't broken up with            

11.     Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.

12.     Make a list of the things no one knows about you.

13.     Write about your junior year in high school.

14.     Write about what life was like before you became a parent.

15.     Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.

16.     Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.

17.     Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.

18.     Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.

19.     Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.

20.     Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:

a.     What your life is like now

b.     What you have learned since you were 10

c.     What you want him or her to know

d.     What you want him or her to beware of

e.     What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of

21.     Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.

22.     Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn't appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.

23.     Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.

24.     Think of someone who never acknowledged you for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.

25.     Make a list of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.

26.     For each of the five miracles, make a list of:

a.     Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening

b.     Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening

c.     Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences

27.     Write about the five things you most like to do.

28.     Write about the five things you most dislike doing.

29.     Make a list of five places you'd like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.

30.     Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.

31.     Write a letter to your children, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

32.     Write a letter to your grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

33.     Write a letter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.

34.     Add your own ideas here: