Gottman Marriage Therapy in South Tampa, Florida with Counselor Elizabeth Mahaney

GOTTMAN MARRIAGE THERAPY

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D will help her clients:

1. Choose an intervention that is appropriate for the clients at the moment.

2. Recognize the Four Horseman when one member of a couple exhibits the behavior.

3. Stop the couple’s dyadic interaction when one member exhibits one of the four horseman. Describe the Four Horseman to the couple.

4. Explain the antidote to the relevant horseman clearly and accurately.

5. Coach the person with an alternative way to express him- or herself using an appropriate antidote.

6. Re-direct the couple to resume communication in a dyadic way. Continue to monitor for the four horsemen and intervene if they reemerge.

7. Identify when one or both partners are physiologically flooded (and not just upset) and stop the interaction between the couple.

8. Provide a brief explanation of flooding in clear, sensitive language.

9. Intervene by guiding one or both partners through a relaxation technique before continuing.

10. Explain the Dreams Within Conflict process and goals clearly.

11. Instruct couple on the Dreams Within Conflict intervention.

12. Assist one partner to ask the other partner questions about the dream or deeper meaning imbedded in their specific gridlocked issue.

13. Provide The Dream Catcher Questions handout and coach one partner to ask the other questions from the handout to increase understanding of their partner’s underlying dreams or deeper meaning embedded in the specific gridlocked issue; help the couple hold to the questions to go deeper vs. getting into their own point of view.

14. Introduce the concept of softened start-ups and explain why it helps (i.e., it is easier for their partner to hear and understand their point).

15. Explain research showing that the first three minutes of a discussion predicts whether that discussion will go well and whether their overall relationship will go well.

16. Explain importance of expressing needs in positive terms and instruct the partner to restate their point without criticism and then direct them to resume dyadic interaction.

17. Stop couple’s interaction when one or both partners are not accepting influence.

18. Explain the need for accepting influence (which may include reference to research). This includes finding a way to understand and honor some aspect of their partner’s position, with a focus on yielding and accepting influence rather than on persuading.

19. Stop couple and instruct in the concept of offering and accepting repairs and why it is useful.

20. Provide the Repair Checklist and explain the use.

21. Ask appropriate Gottman Oral History questions and stay on track with sensitivity to couple’s issues.

22. Conduct History interview with appropriate timing.

23. Conduct History interview with sensitivity to issues of co-morbidity.

Clear Communication!

You are not allowed to complain about not getting something that you never asked for.

Read that again^.

Do you find yourself getting upset at your partner for things you never communicated to them?

Take this scenario for example: you get home and make your partner a delicious dinner. You put so much time and thought into it—they’re bound to help you with the dishes, right? But they don’t do the dishes, and now you’re upset with them. They notice and ask you what’s wrong, but you respond with a sour, “Nothing.” They should know that you expected them to clean up after dinner.

Is this starting to sound a bit “off”? Your partner can’t read your mind.

You must ask for what you want in order to receive it.

There’s many ways to ask for what you want, and some work better than others. Learn more about putting your feelings into words without contempt or criticism. Book an appointment to deepen your connection, build trust and commitment, and communicate more openly with tools and exercises designed to bring you and your partner closer together.

The next time you get angry about your partner not doing something, ask yourself, “Did I verbally ask them to do this?”

Communicating your needs with your partner can clear up misunderstandings and help avoid hurt feelings.

You’ve probably done this before.

You come home from a long day at work, and nothing sounds better to you than a nice back scratch. You snuggle up to your partner so that their hands are placed perfectly on your back. You roll your shoulders in a motion that universally signals, “scratch my back.” But they don’t get the hint.

Slightly frustrated, but not yet defeated, you position yourself behind them and start scratching their back. As soon as you’re finished, they turn to you and say, “Gee, thanks, honey. That was sure sweet of you.”

And then, nothing. They don’t return the favor.

Wait. What?

You feel hurt and resentful. They broke the #1 rule every logical person should know! If someone scratches your back, you must scratch theirs!

Back scratching isn’t the only area where you see this kind of nonverbal agreement that one would think shouldn’t have to be spoken and everyone should just know.

For example:

• If you buy your partner flowers and chocolate, they’ll want to have sex with you, right?

• If you spend the evening making a delicious dinner for your partner, they’re bound to help you with the dishes, right?

Is this starting to sound a bit ridiculous? Your spouse can’t read your mind.

You have to ask for what you need

Why is it so hard to ask for what you want? Like, with spoken and specific words—not just unspoken signals or secret codes?

One evening, I was babysitting my sister’s adorable two-year-old girl. It was time for her to go to bed, and I was helping her to put on her jammies.

“I want the purple ones.”

“No problem! Purple jammies it is!”

“Read stories.”

“Alright, let’s read a book!”

After we read of few of her favorites, which she had no hesitation pointing out to me, I placed her in her crib to go to sleep. She immediately grabbed my arm and said, “Ang-uh-winn sing song?” in her adorable voice.

As I started singing her a lullaby, she said, “Scratch my back?” I started scratching her back while singing her a song, and it wasn’t too long before she fell asleep.

That little girl, at two years old, let me know exactly what she wanted from me in order to go to sleep peacefully. She set me up for success by expressing her needs in a clear and positive way so that I could fulfill them.

But what happens when we get older?

Sadly, the older my niece gets, people won’t be so kind or willing when she asks them what she wants. She might ask someone to scratch her back and they’ll tell her, “No.”

In fact, people might start telling her that asking for what she wants is selfish or rude. There may come a time when she thinks to herself, “It’s best if I just keep quiet.”

There was a time in your life when this happened to you, too. You asked for something you wanted and got rejected. You learned how bad it can hurt when someone willfully dismisses your request, especially if it’s important to you. You learned that it can be scary to ask for what you want, and that makes you vulnerable to let someone in on your hopes and desires.

No wonder it’s hard to ask for what you want! The second a request leaves your mouth, it’s up to the other person to decide whether or not to grant that request. It’s out of your control. And who likes to feel out of control?

Instead, you keep your mouth shut. If your partner doesn’t pick up on your subtle clues, at least you don’t have to admit that it was something you wanted in the first place. Instead, you’re just secretly angry at them while they wonder what they did wrong.  

Though it softens the blow of the rejection when you don’t speak up about what you need, it also doesn’t leave you any less resentful over not getting what you want. Plus, it practically guarantees that you WON’T get what you want.

What would be a better alternative to secret cues, signals, and non-verbal agreements that leave us disappointed and set our partners up for failure?

Simple. Learn to ask for what you want!

Use your words, and use them well

Nate and I have a motto in our marriage that came from Terry Real’s book, “The New Rules of Marriage.”

“You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.”

You are not allowed to complain about not getting something that you never asked for.  The next time you get angry about your partner not doing something, I want you to ask yourself, “Did I verbally ask them to do this?”

Now, there are many ways to ask for something that you want, and let’s just say that some ways work better than others. Let’s use an example such as doing the dishes by yourself while your partner watches TV.

“I’m always cooking your dinner and you never help me with the dishes. You always just sit there in front of the TV while I do it? Why don’t you help me for a change?”

Woof. Using words like “always” or “never” is a surefire way of putting your spouse on the defense. This example of asking isn’t really asking at all. It’s criticizing your partner, and heavily so. This puts all the attention on how they’re the bad guy, instead of choosing to be vulnerable and respectfully expressing what you really want.

I can see this turning into a never-ending argument of, “Oh yeah? Well, you always do this, and you never do that,” going back and forth until the dishes get moldy and you forget about them entirely.

“Maybe, you know, you could help me with the dishes, if you want.”

Or, “If you have time, if it’s convenient for you, maybe you could try and help me with the dishes?”

Or even more classic, “Do you want to help me with the dishes, or would you rather just watch TV?”

These are all different ways of saying the same thing. In this situation, you are not expressing what you want. Instead, you are implying with your request that it is actually your partner who wants it, that it’s actually their idea. It takes the pressure off of you, and it puts the blame on them for not fulfilling a promise they never made.

This reminds me of a time we were helping with a social gathering at a neighbor’s house. Nate was in charge of putting out the snacks. He had left them in their original plastic container and just set them on the table.

The host of the party came to the snack table, turned to Nate, and in that passive-aggressive sing-song voice we all know said, “Do you want to put these treats on a separate platter?”

Nate replied, “No, I think they are fine in the plastic.”

She looked at him like he had just slapped her in the face.  He quickly realized his error and said, “I mean, yeah, of course, I want to put them on a separate platter. There’s nothing more in this world that I want than to have these treats on a platter!”

It was awkward.

The answer to the question she asked him was, indeed, “No.”

No, he didn’t want to put them on a separate platter. He didn’t see the need to do so.

But, that wasn’t the question she was really asking, was it?

Can you see how it would have been so much easier if she had just said, “Hey, I’d love it if you put these on a separate platter so that it looks nicer for the guests.” Nate would have known exactly what she wanted and would have happily fulfilled her request.

“Can you please help me with the dishes?”

This example is better than the first two, and it’s a good place to start. Saying “please” is wonderful, respectful, and it makes it much easier for your spouse to want to help.

However, the request falls a little, well, flat. It doesn’t get across how much it would mean to you to receive that help you are asking for.

I can see getting a response like, “Sure honey, just let me finish this game first” or “How about we just do them in the morning?”

There’s still too much room for failure with this example. You’ll need to communicate why you need the help, or how it’s important to you to receive help from your partner.

“Honey, I’d love some help with the dishes. I worked hard on making dinner tonight and I’d appreciate it if you helped clean up. Can we do the dishes together? It would really make me feel loved.”

This hits the nail on the head. First, you make your desire known—you’d really love some help with the dishes.

Second, you tell them why you’d like to help with the dishes, because you worked really hard on dinner!

You give your partner clear expectations on when you’d like it done right now.

And lastly, you tell them what it would do for you if they granted your request. It would help you feel loved.

How to set your partner (and you) up for success

Can you see why this would make it much easier for your spouse to say yes to your request? You’re giving them everything they need to give you what you need. You’re setting them up for success!

Mastering the skill of asking for what you want effectively, efficiently, and respectfully is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your partner.

Nonviolent Communication for Anger

“The cause of anger lies in our thinking – in thoughts of blame and judgment.”

– Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

Many people want to know how to use Nonviolent Communication for anger because it can be such a scary emotion for so many people. Feeling it, expressing it — and being on the receiving end of it — can be extremely unsettling!

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) helps us navigate anger in a holistic way. Using NVC for anger is a healthy and empowering way to rewire our responses to this powerful emotion.

Because anger is so often associated with violence, it’s common for people to avoid anger — as they might avoid conflict — out of their need for safety.

But anger itself is simply an emotion.

How we choose to handle it — including how we hold it within ourselves and how we express it — can make all the difference.

Just as importantly, how we handle another person’s anger, especially when it is directed toward us, can also make the difference between conflict and connection. Let’s take a deeper look at how Nonviolent Communication for anger works with our internal dialogues….

Healthy Ways to Handle Anger Inside Ourselves

Nonviolent Communication gives us healthy ways to handle anger inside ourselves.

Employing Nonviolent Communication for anger first requires acknowledging that this is an incredibly powerful emotion, and that we probably need to find more healthy ways to handle it inside ourselves.

One of the main challenges to finding healthy ways to deal with anger inside ourselves is that by the time anger arises we have usually already lost control.

By using Nonviolent Communication for anger, we rewire our capacity and skills for handling anger constructively. At first, our attention centers on how soon we can recover from an anger episode, and with what intention and how soon do we engage in any necessary relationship repair and clean-up.

As we cultivate healthy ways to handle our anger, we begin to catch it sooner. We start to notice subtle shifts and changes before we’ve erupted in anger! We can notice where we’ve made an assumption or an interpretation that in the past would have led to us feeling angry. This helps us calm down and deconstruct the story that has led to anger. It also gives us the opportunity to question it or check it out with others, before lashing out in anger.

As we cultivate healthy ways to handle anger inside ourselves, we begin to discern the deeper Universal Human Needs and values that underlie an expression of anger. Once a person has connected with their own (and/or others’) underlying needs and values, what we find is that the emotion shifts. At that point it’s usually not anger anymore. The shift from right/wrong thinking to connection with the underlying needs or values comes with a shift in the feeling which now might be frustration or sorrow, but no longer anger.

When we connect with our feelings and needs, and we allow our feelings to flow in a space of presence, healing begins to happen. At this point, we are getting closer to a place of mourning, forgiveness, and self-forgiveness.

Healthy Ways to Deal with Anger from Other People

Learning healthy ways to handle anger inside ourselves is only one part of how Nonviolent Communication and anger relate. Another part involves learning healthy ways to deal with anger from other people. Being on the receiving end of anger can be incredibly scary for reasons of our emotional, mental, and physical safety.

In these situations, besides high-level NVC skills, we want reassurance that we will be safe. (See the distinction between protective and punitive use of force.)

If we are certain of our physical safety, sometimes another’s anger is disconcerting for other reasons:
They have judgments of us which are hard to hear and/or,
We are taking responsibility for their feelings, telling ourselves that we made this person feel bad, and/or,
We’re concerned about some damage to an important relationship, as well as all that that can mean and imply.

The tools of NVC come in handy when cultivating healthy ways to deal with anger from other people. These tools include self-empathy, empathy toward others, and the ability to express truthfully or authentically with the intention to create a connection and refraining from using words that would cause more harm.

Imagine working on anger — your own or receiving others’ — to the point where you felt safe and comfortable around it, and knew how to handle it confidently and effectively, able to defuse conflicts and guide them toward more connection!

How does this look in an everyday context?

Let’s consult Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on NVC and anger to find out….

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on NVC for Anger

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. had revolutionary insight on the relationship between NVC and anger. According to Dr. Rosenberg, anger means we are disconnected from our needs. He taught us that anger is one of the four emotions that are disconnected from needs because of what we are telling ourselves. (The other three are shame, guilt, and depression).

In a practical context, these are the types of questions we can ask ourselves to see if we are progressing on using NVC for anger:

When someone speaks to me in anger, do I stay self-connected? Can I give myself self-empathy rather than judge them back or blame myself?

When someone speaks to me in anger, how soon does my attention go to what their needs might be? Am I able to give them empathic presence (perhaps after giving myself self-empathy) rather than judge them back or blame myself?

When someone speaks to me in anger, to what degree am I able to hang in there with the conversation? Am I able to express my honesty from the heart, my feelings and my needs — perhaps in addition to empathic presence, possibly with moments of self-empathy throughout — rather than judge them, blame myself, lash out, disconnect, or rush to a solution for short term relief?

To what extent can I hang in there in a tough conversation for the possibility of deeper connection and a mutually satisfying outcome?

If I notice we’re both angry, and both want to be heard at the same time, can I call a time-out in a way that we can get support in order to come back to the conversation?

With NVC for anger, we also learn how to own the causes and express anger fully. This means deconstructing the story we have and getting to the underlying needs. When we do this we can express what we value and cherish — rather than focusing on our judgments of others or becoming entrenched in who was right or wrong. In this way, NVC for anger helps us shift the feeling of anger to other, more life-connected feelings.

Content by PuddleDancer Press. Use of content okay with attribution. Please visitwww.nonviolentcommunication.comto learn more about Nonviolent Communication.

Turning Toward vs Turning Away vs Turning Against

Turning Towards Instead of Away

Let’s say your eccentric uncle Kevin gives you $10,000 on your wedding day. The only catch is that you have to invest it for six years with one of two firms that Kevin suggests. Firm A is well respected on Wall Street for both its ethics and its returns, and most clients are very happy even with sometimes modest gains. Firm B guarantees they’ll squander your money and blame you for it. Which one would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, you get a diagnosis of a rare blood disease that usually kills its victims within six years. Your wacky aunt Cathy had that same disease and she knows of the only two doctors in the world that work with it. One doctor is actively doing research, testing new treatments, and curing patients with great success. The other is a drunk. Which doctor would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, the universe starts a giant egg timer set for six years. When the egg timer goes off, you’ll either be divorced or you won’t. You’ve heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but Kevin and Cathy know some tips that can increase your odds of making it. More importantly, they know of a single strategy that would virtually guarantee that you would divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know it?

Of course you would. You would invest with Firm A. You would choose the sober doctor. And you will do whatever it takes to ensure that you protected yourself from divorce. As it turns out, your aunt and uncle are onto something: there really is a secret.

As part of his research, Dr. Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing — the third level of the Sound Relationship House, Turn Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards.

I think this is a pretty incredible piece of data. It suggests that there is something you can today that will dramatically change the course of your relationship. More importantly, it suggests that there is something that you can not do that will lead to its demise. So, how do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.

Bids can get tricky, however, and admittedly I sometimes miss more bids than I don’t. Indeed many men struggle in this regard, so it’s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer – the true meaning behind the words. Call it the the difference between text and subtext. A few examples to get your brain going:

How do I look?Can I have your attention?

Let’s put the kids to bed.Can I have your help?

I talked to my sister today.Will you chat with me?

Did I tell you the one about…?Will you enjoy me?

Want to cuddle?Can I have your affection?

Want to play Cribbage?Will you play with me?

I had a terrible lunch meeting today.Will you help me destress?

To “miss” a bid is to “turn away.” Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else.

It is important that you learn to recognize bids and that you commit to making them to one another. Make the word “bids” part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It’s okay to say, “I’m making a bid for attention now” as you get to know each other in this early phase of your relationship. You can also practice discerning subtext together. Pick a show that is new to you both and watch it on mute. See if you can interpret the bids that the characters are making based only on non-verbals. Once you start to get intentional about your bids, you can concentrate on “turning towards.”

Turning towards starts with paying attention. Your work on bids will come in handy here. Simply recognizing that a bid has been made opens the door to response. If you’ve really been paying attention, you’ll respond to both the text and the subtext. As bids get more complicated, so will the nature of turning toward. For now, start simple. Take an inventory of the bids and turning in your relationship and share your responses with one another.

• What do I know about how I make bids?

• Could or should I get better at making bids? How?

• How good am I at recognizing the difference between text and subtext?

• What keeps me from making bids?

• What is my impulse for turning?

• Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?

• When it comes to turning towards, am I closer to 33% or 86%?

• What does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me?

• How can I get better at turning towards?

As you continue moving through life together, you will undoubtedly have to risk heading into more vulnerable territory. This will be easier if you’ve committed to building a solid friendship based on Building Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away. Your eccentric uncle Kevin and wacky aunt Cathy would be proud.

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

What "Turning Against' Really Means 

In our post on Monday, we discussed Dr. Gottman’s findings on the deeply destructive nature of “turning against” your partner’s bids. “Turning against” or “away” describes the behaviors in your interactions between you and your partner that, upon accumulation, categorically spell disaster for your relationship. Today, we would like to part the storm clouds a bit by offering you findings from Dr. Gottman’s research about the true causes of much of the behavior we described on Monday – the real reasons for which your partner may “turn against” you, lash out unexpectedly, or say things that they don’t really mean. We share this information with you in hopes that it will help you to learn the ways in which you can manage conflict constructively. We would like, in short, to offer you help in coping with the most trying interactions in your relationship.  

The first step in building the skills that Dr. Gottman teaches in his marital therapy is understanding – answering the question that may come up when such interactions unexpectedly throw themselves into your life – when your partner snaps at you out of nowhere. Dr. Gottman has discovered that there is an enormous difference between what you think your partner is saying when they “turn against” your bids and what their behavior’s cause usually is! Here is what Dr. Gottman has found “turning against”  says and what it actually means.

“Turning Against” Says:

• Your need for attention makes me angry.

• I feel hostile towards you.

• I don’t respect you.

• I don’t value you or this relationship.

• I want to hurt you.

• I want to drive you away.

“Turning Against” Usually Means: In a direct quote from Dr. Gottman himself, “Unlike ‘turning away’ responses, ‘turning against’ has a bite to it. It’s hard to hear such responses without thinking, ‘That’s mean’ or ‘That was uncalled for.’ Still, I doubt that most people who turn against their loved ones really intend to cause as much harm to their relationships as they do in these exchanges. Rather, they may simply have developed a personal style of relating that’s characteristically crabby or irritable.” Dr. Gottman’s research has revealed that such prickliness is often “the result of many factors, such as having too many demands on your time, not having enough peace of mind, or the lack of a satisfying purpose or direction for your life. Often it’s a spillover of self-criticism that has its origins in the distant past. The problem may also be biologically based irritability that is chemically related to depression.”

Whatever the source may be of your partner’s choice to “turn against” your bids for attention, affection, or support, it still hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a LOT. The build up of ignored bids can end up causing long-term problems in relationships. When your partner habitually responds to you by “turning against” your bids for connection, you feel that you can’t ask them for support and the two of you may drift apart entirely, because it feels impossible to sustain your relationship. Again, we have to stress: You are not alone! Hopefully understanding that the underlying causes for your partner’s behavior are rarely as malicious as they may feel, that what they say and what they mean are usually oceans apart, can help you to take these sudden attacks less personally. 

Of course, these words offer sparse comfort on their own – to understand is only the first step in the journey towards moving away from dangerous patterns of interaction. But it is a necessary first step. We will take you through the next steps (applying this new knowledge) in the next few weeks on The Gottman Relationship Blog. For more details, make sure to find a copy of Dr. Gottman’s bestselling books in a bookstore near you: The Relationship Cure, Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, and of course, his new book, What Makes Love Last!

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-turning-against-really-means/

The Art of Comprise and Core Needs

Core Needs Exercise

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” -Stephen Covey

 What is a Core Need?

A core need is something that you need to feel like yourself in any situation. When a core need is met you are able to be more present to what is actually happening, rather than being over-focused or desperate about that need. The desperation can be a symptom or a signal that a core need is not being met, and your mind is trying to address it by giving it your mental/emotional attention. 

Consider, for example, that you are taking a long hike in the hills and after a few miles you reach for your water bottle and it isn’t where you thought you put it. Your mind will be driven to search for it, because on this hike adequate hydration is a core need. If you can’t find the water bottle and the sun is bearing down on you, then most of your actions are going to be focused on getting that water to meet that core hydration need. It is going to bug you, compel you and drive you until you can address the water issue. Once the water core need is met, you will be able to continue the hike and be more present to the fuller experience of your surroundings.

Here is another example: You work hard all day with mental problems and when you arrive home, your head is still mulling over those problems. There is an argument with family members soon after you arrive home. When you step back and look at what is actually happening, you discover your head is still in work mode from the day while you are trying to connect with your family members. 

Therefore, you might have the core need of “transition time". To address that core need, one option might be a 30 minute buffer time to change clothes, acclimate to being home, and allow your head to power down from the flow of mental problem-solving.

Let us say you don’t get that buffer and you put yourself in the middle of the family. Most likely you will be pulled inside in two different directions: trying to disconnect mentally and emotionally from the work of the day and trying to connect in the present moment with the family. This often results in feelings of frustration and fights about things that usually are not stressful, because you are torn inside with competing interests. A 30-minute buffer and transition time--especially if the family understands your need and it makes sense to them--would make it more possible for you to “feel like yourself” at home and be more present to what is actually occurring there.

As you can see, core needs are by their nature inflexible: you NEED the water and you NEED your transition time or you will be hurting yourself physically and/or emotionally. 

So in working things out with others, it is best not to compromise a core need. You function best from where you are flexible. You may find that as you discuss the issue of work/home transitions with your family, that they each have a core need to be “greeted” when you arrive home. Since you would know you are going to get your transition time, you might be flexible to delay it a few minutes so you could check in on each member and say hello. If there is an agreement about your transition time—your family knows you need your 30 minutes and they are aware of the benefit when you have that time--they could encourage you and support you in taking that time after the greeting. Everybody wins with these agreements, and compromise does not sacrifice any core needs.

NOTE: Core Needs are more possible to identify when you are applying this process to an actual situation, such as: when I get home in the afternoon from work I need a transition time, rather than a generalized core need say, to get “respect.” It is more effective to explore the core need of “ respect” IN the situation of when you arrive home from work. Be as specific about a circumstance as possible and avoid generalizations and “always” and “never” narratives. 

____________________________________

This is the format for discovering core needs and flexible needs for each person in a relationship or just for your own insight into yourself.

Note:

• COMPROMISE happens in the FLEXIBLE NEEDS area of the circle. NOTE that there is a much larger circle for FLEXIBLE NEEDS than the CORE NEEDS. It is important to work to get the core needs circle as clear and accurate as possible.  CORE NEEDS content will be smaller than the flexible needs.  However, it may FEEL larger when trying to trick or convince someone to be flexible with a CORE NEED. This will create attention to the smaller circle and create a gridlock. 

• Understanding and discovery happens in the core needs. Not compromise. These are non-flexible. And if they are flexible and that is ok, then they are still important to you but are not core needs but flexible.

• Sometimes you think something is a core need and you may find upon discussion it is actually flexible. Sometimes you find a flexible need might be core as you get insight. Allow continuing understanding to happen as you work with this.

 It is often best to start learning this exercise using a very focused issue such as “where do we go on vacation’ or “what movie do we want to watch this weekend together.”  You can choose “our marriage,” as a focus but know that this is a broader focus and might need to be broken down into areas of the marriage such as ‘friendship” or “parent” and "sexuality" "affection" and other areas. It is ok to choose“the marriage” as the focus, just know that if you get bogged down to bring the target focus into a more specific topic about “the marriage.” Then this can be done with many conversations instead of one big one. Marriage is actually one life-long conversation.

Once you each have completed your two lists, set a time aside to each have a turn where you listen to your partner's circles, and only ask questions for your understanding THEIR point of view. Once both have had a turn WITHOUT criticism or commentary, THEN, move into a discussion and how a negotiation and agreements can be made with the flexible/adaptive areas.  This is to be done while valuing and protecting your partners core needs: the non-flexible areas. It is often amazing how many new options open up when a couple stops trying to change their own or their partner's core needs on an issue, and move to a discussion of the flexible areas.  Happy couples do more than that. They PROTECT and ADVOCATE for their partner's core needs. 

Use the GETTING TO YES questions A a guide to help come to a negotiated agreement regarding the issue or focus at hand:

Remember the principles of the Sound Relationship House below, especially avoiding the Four Horsemen! There are more instructive articles on the CORE NEEDS EXERCISE below.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”

"More than one thing can be true at the same time."

"There is nothing wrong with you, life it just far harder than you ever expected.

Yield to Win: Compromise like I am someone you love. The art of compromise exercise. Discuss the questions with your partner.

THE FOUR HORSEMEN: The Antidotes

All relationships, even the most successful ones, have conflict. It is unavoidable. Fortunately, our research shows that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve,” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding.

And there are problems that you just won’t solve due to natural personality differences between you and your partner, but if you can learn to manage those problems in a healthy way, then your relationship will succeed.

The first step in effectively managing conflict is to identify and counteract The Four Horsemen when they arrive in your conflict discussions. If you don’t, you risk serious problems in the future of your relationship. But, like Newton’s Third Law, for every horseman there is an antidote, and you can learn how and when to use them below.

The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up

A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a soft or gentle start-up. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

To put it simply, think of these two things to formulate your soft start-up: What do I feel? What do I need?

Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”

Antidote: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent. Can we please talk about my day?”

Notice that the antidote starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the discussion from escalating into an argument.

The Antidote to Contempt: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect

Contempt shows up in statements that come from a position of moral superiority. Some examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is destructive and defeating. It is the greatest predictor of divorce, and it must be avoided at all costs.

The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship, and there are a few ways to do that. One of our mottos is Small Things Often: if you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!

Another way that we explain this is our discovery of the 5:1 “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions that a relationship must have to succeed. If you have five or more positive interactions for every one negative interaction, then you’re making regular deposits into your emotional bank account, which keeps your relationship in the green.

Contempt: “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.)

Antidote: “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? I’d appreciate it.”

The antidote here works so well because it expresses understanding right off the bat. This partner shows how they know that the lack of cleanliness isn’t out of laziness or malice, and so they do not make a contemptuous statement about their partner or take any position of moral superiority.

Instead, this antidote is a respectful request, and it ends with a statement of appreciation.

The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility

Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand.

Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict.

Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second.”

Antidote: “I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible.”

By taking responsibility for part of the conflict (trying to leave too early), even while asserting that they don’t like to be late, this partner prevents the conflict from escalating by admitting their role in the conflict. From here, this couple can work towards a compromise.

The Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing

Stonewalling is when someone completely withdraws from a conflict discussion and no longer responds to their partner. It usually happens when you’re feeling flooded or emotionally overwhelmed, so your reaction is to shut down, stop talking, and disengage. And when couples stonewall, they’re under a lot of emotional pressure, which increases heart rates, releases stress hormones into the bloodstream, and can even trigger a fight-or-flight response.

In one of our longitudinal research studies, we interrupted couples after fifteen minutes of an argument and told them we needed to adjust the equipment. We asked them not to talk about their issue, but just to read magazines for half an hour. When they started talking again, their heart rates were significantly lower and their interaction was more positive and productive.

What happened during that half hour? Each partner, without even knowing it, physiologically soothed themselves by reading and avoiding discussion. They calmed down, and once they felt calm, they were able to return to the discussion in a respectful and rational way.

Therefore, the antidote to stonewalling is to practice physiological self-soothing, and the first step of self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion and call a timeout:

“Look, we’ve been through this over and over again. I’m tired of reminding you—”

“Honey, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to take a break. Can you give me twenty minutes and then we can talk?”

If you don’t take a break, you’ll find yourself either stonewalling and bottling up your emotions, or you’ll end up exploding at your partner, or both, and neither will get you anywhere good.

So, when you take a break, it should last at least twenty minutes because it will take that long before your body physiologically calms down. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”). Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music, reading, or exercising. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as it helps you to calm down.

You’ve got the skills. Use them!

Now that you know what the Four Horsemen are and how to counteract them with their proven antidotes, you’ve got the essential tools to manage conflict in a healthy way. As soon as you see criticism or contempt galloping in, remember their antidotes. Be vigilant. The more you can keep the Four Horsemen at bay, the more likely you are to have a stable and happy relationship.

Why We Focus On The Wrong Things

Even when we know better, we act in irrational ways. We worry about problems that will likely never arise, and we care what complete strangers think of us —people we have never met before and will never meet again. We criticize and beat ourselves up over small mistakes, even though we know such condemnation isn’t helpful.  The mind is full of quirks and flaws, and much of what we think and do is not logical. When we look at our evolutionary past, however, things start to make sense.

Our ancestors lived in small tribes surrounded by the challenges of the environment — dangerous animals lurked nearby and hostile neighbors competed for resources. When people worked together to manage threats and challenges, they were more likely to produce children and pass on their genes to future generations.  But this required sensitivity to signs of danger, something established instinctively as well as through contrition and associative learning.

Identifying signs of danger through association is a primeval strategy for animals, and there’s been plenty of time to perfect it.  Using language to avoid threats — I saw a beast at the river, so watch out — is a more recent and uniquely human skill.  We’ve had  a few hundred years to refine this ability, with might have been enough, but our cognitive abilities keep changing our world at light speed.

We live in a different world than our grandparents did, and that is due to large part to symbolic language and its expansion into verbal problem-solving. That computer in our pocket is only one example. Because of such, our mental skills are now greatly overextending our primitive abilities to detect and respond to danger  With this insight, many of our modern emotional difficulties become clear.

Here are ways we struggle emotionally:.

1. IMAGINING DANGER AND PREDICTING THE WORST

We often struggle with negative fearsome thoughts. We are quick to see danger and assume that the worst is yet to come.  Negative thinking, it seems makes life harder and more difficult than it is.  In our day-to-day lives, we are safer than ever before, but we’ve never felt as threatened— for example by mass shootings and constant insecurity. It is not hard to imagine every stranger we see at night as a violent criminal.

In an evolutionary time frame, however, detecting possible danger was critical to survival for you and your tribe. Suppose you see a fuzzy round shape in the near distance. You can be a positive thinker and assume that it’s just a big rock and go on your way. Or, you can be a negative thinker and assume the worst: It’s a bear waiting to eat you.

If you make a mistake as a negative thinker, it’s no big deal. You get scared, change your route, and that’s about it. If, however, you make a mistake as a positive thinker, and the rock turns out to be a bear, you become lunch.  Negative thinking is the better strategy, which is why you and I descend from a long line of negative thinkers and sentinels of danger. 

The problem now is that the vast majority of our “dangers” are cognitively created. We worry about almost everything. If we cannot rein in the negative fear based thinking, our natural tendency to detect and avoid danger can overwhelm our ability to live life.

2. RUMINATING ABOUT THE PAST

We often chew over hurtful memories. We remember when we said something embarrassing or when we felt most vulnerable or hurt.  And even though the incident happened long ago, we still feel the sting of it as if it occurred yesterday.  The mind makes us relive the pain again and again, whether we like it or not.

For our ancestors, rehearsing past dangers likely helped them avoid future peril. Suppose they encountered a dangerous animal and barely got away. It would be useful to replay the experience in their had and review their brush with death in detail — what they did wrong, or what they could have done differently . It might better prepare them for the next face-to-face meeting with a wild animal. To some degree, rumination likely increased our ancestors chance of survival.

As mental problem-solvers, we ruminate over more and more things: slights, fears about health and abilities, or the possible sources of our struggles.

3. WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

We often worry about our reputations. We worry about status and what other people might say about us. Because of this worry, we set up rules for what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.  We invent rules for what we are “supposed” to wear, what we are “supposed” to think and feel.

But in prehistoric times, worrying about reputation was good for survival. Humans are extremely vulnerable on they own, and if our ancestors want to survive, they needed to ensure their position within the group. By recognizing their impact on others, their ability to cooperate — and to survive — increased. Social sensitivity was a benefit.

4. FEELING NOT GOOD ENOUGH

We frequently compare ourselves, and our achievements, to others.  And when we fall short of our expectations, which inevitably happens, we are quick to beat ourselves up.  We see our shortcomings as failures of character and conclude that we are simply not good enough, leaving us feeling hurt and vulnerable.

Four our ancestors what matters most was not whether people felt good about themselves, or whether they outperformed everyone else. What truly mattered was whether they could work together to survive. Some degree of self-comparison was likely.

Today, self-comparison and self-criticism can reach outlandish lengthens. For one thing, we no longer compare ourselves exclusively to our clan members but to Photoshopped images, the rich and famous, and even fictional characters with fantastic life stories. It’s no wonder that feelings of insecurity have been on the rise.

5. ALWAYS NEEDING MORE

We never seem satisfied with what we have. We are always chasing the next big thing, hoping it will give us the fulfillment and happiness we have yearned for. Unfortunately, the moment we achieve a goal, our newfound happiness quickly tarnishes.  The newly acquired car becomes just a car, and we turn our eyes to the next item.  The need for more is a recipe for greed and suffering.

In prehistoric times, however, acquiring more things was absolutely essential.  In an unpredictable environment, more food more weapons, and more of any resource could be vital for survival. 

WHAT CAN AND CAN’T CHANGE

Our brains and behavioral predisposition were not developed for the challenges of the 21st century with its steady media diet of frightening events and social comparisons. Why do we do the things we do? The mind is trying to solve an ancient problem of safety and belonging, using mental cognitions that were not designed for the modern world.

We have evolved to think this way. We will not stop thinking about what might go wrong in the near or distant future. Nor will we be able to consistently resist the urge to ruminate, worry about people’s opinion of us, compare ourselves to others, and yearn for more.

We can learn to change the relationship we have with ourselves.  We can learn to worry and think painful thought without getting caught up in them. Instead of being scared by our inner mental life and letting it dominate our actions, we can recognize it for what it is and refocus on what actually matters. This will take time, patience and practice. 

When you find yourself obsessing  over unpleasant thoughts and feelings, take a deep breath and ask how a struggle like this could have helped your distant ancestors. It might bring a greater sense of self-comparison (kindness and mercy). More often than not, you may find that your problem-solving mind is just trying to keep you safe. Gently turn inward and use self compassion!

To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

Instructions:

To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

From the Research on Couples Happiness and Unhappiness by Julie and John Gottman, Ph.D.

First some notes before you do the process, and then the process will follow:

NOTES TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU BEGIN

1. You are processing a PAST event, not the present.

So, talk about how you felt in the PAST event, not how you feel right now.1. 

For example, 

• Do this: In that argument, I felt hurt, sad, and dismissed.

• Don’t do this: I feel angry at you now about that argument.

Reason for this Instruction:  You are processing what happened in the past to feel more complete, so you can let go obsessing over it, learn from it and that will help you both feel closer. If your emotion is so strong now about the event, say in the “yellow” or “read”  you are most likely flooded or soon to be. So, it is best to not do the exercise until you are calm, and you can check your pulse to see. If it is close to or over 100 beats, you need to calm before you do the repair.  You both need to be in the “green” so reasonableness has a chance to stay steady. Being flooded isn’t wrong, it just means you are still hurting and need more time to calm, then do the exercise.

2.  BOTH points of view are right.

It is important to remember, and remind yourself often, that a point of view is not an absolute reality. It is relative. Subjective.  If you are flooded you will not be able to hear a point of view that you see differently without debating or being defensive. If you are in the green, you can be curious and interested in your partner’s inner world and see to understand instead of persuade them to your view.  The goal of closeness happens when each person feels heard and understood in their world. That makes each open to reasonable consideration and influence.

• Do this: I hear that you saw. . . 

• Don’t do this: What you saw isn’t right . . .

Reason for this instruction:  Repair needs to be about dialogue and understanding, not debate and convince.  Curiosity, interest, and compassion for self and other is needed. Otherwise, you will end the conversation feeling further distance from each other and worse than when you began. The goals is repair and to feel better and closer.

3.  Save all persuasiveness to step 6.  

Reason for this instruction: Happy couples in the research waited until both people felt understood and their viewpoint considered before asking for anything.  Step 6 is the Ask.

4.  In step 6, remember you are going to “try” something different next time. 

That means it may work better or it may not. Either is helpful information for your knowledge database in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. So, keep the “trying” as experimental where you are both looking for what works bests and let that grow.

• Do this:  I want to try and start soft when I have a complaint and wait until I am calm to talk.

• Don’t do this: I am going to be soft so that this doesn’t happen again.

5.  Each person gets a turn on each step. 

Start with emotions first. Don’t combine steps.

Reason for this instruction:  The emotions drive the intensity of the conversation and the repair. By starting there it takes pressure off each person and helps focus on learning.

6. If you are flooded, in the red or rising in the yellow. Stop.

When emotion runs high and stays high in the "red," it is necessary to take a break until both people are in the green, or calm. This is the most common reason repair isn't made: too much emotional intensity. It is ok and necessary to stop and return later when one or both partners are flooded.  This does not mean that  you don't feel intensity. This does mean when the intensity rises and starts to stay high or emotional intensity becomes detached, you need to stop and come back later when calm or feeling more able to be emotionally engaged.  Also, when either partner is "tuned out" or "detached," in the "blue," that is also a sign of being overwhelmed and reasonableness is also inhibited.

Reason for instruction: You cannot be yield to reasonableness, when you are flooded with emotions or detached from your emotions. When flooded (red) or detached (blue) you can make matters worse, but you can't make them better until you calm down enough to yield to reason.

7.   The Language of Healing In A Repair Conversation

According to the research of Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. and his process of ifs-Internal Family Systems.

The 8 C’s That Heal by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. 

Calmness - (1.) a high degree of physiological and mental serenity regardless of the circumstance(s) (2.) the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme ways(3.) to be less vulnerable to adopting the common fight-flight-freeze response when threatened. (Calmness experienced in dynamic degrees)

Curiosity - (1.) a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person (2.) to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work(3.) genuinely interested in non-judgmentally understanding something or someone. (Curiosity experienced in dynamic degrees)

Clarity - (1.) the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotion s(2.) the ability to maintain one’s objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest (3.) the absence of preconception and objection (opposing) (4.) the ability to maintain a “beginner’s mind” in which many possibilities exist. (Clarity is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Compassion - (1.) to be open heartedly present and appreciative of others without feeling the urge to fix, change or distance from them (2.) an intuitive understanding that the suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them (3.) to simultaneously have empathy for others and a belief that the other has a Self that once released can relieve his or her own suffering. (Compassion is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Confidence - (1.) to maintain a strong personal knowledge in one’s ability to stay fully or as present as possible in a situation and handle or repair anything that happens with the belief that “no matter what, it’s all okay and will all work out the way that it can” (2.) to have the direct experience of being healed from previous traumas and learned from previous failures to such a degree that their effect does not spill into the present (3.) to understand that mistakes are only lessons to be learned. (Confidence is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Courage - (1.) strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger (2.) the willingness to take action toward a goal that you or others would find overwhelming(3.) the ability to recognize the damage we do to others then take action to make amends (4.) the willingness to reflect and “go inside” toward our own pain and shame, carefully examine it and act on what we see. (Courage is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Creativity - (1.) the use of the imagination to produce original ideas (2.) the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity (3.) the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems. (Curiosity is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Connectedness - (1.) the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, family, team, community, or organization (2.) a connection to a meaningful purpose or a "higher calling" above the circumstances of daily life (3.) to be in a relationship with someone who truly knows and accepts you for who you actually are(4.) to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that judgement or controlling can happen and can addressed openly with options and have less fear of getting hurt because you have grown degrees of confidence that you can repair damage or misunderstandings when they occur. (Connectedness is experienced in dynamic degrees)

••••••••••••••••••

THE INSTRUCTIONS:

Step by Step Guide To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

I. FEELINGS

Go through the list and say the ones that you felt in the disagreement that needs repair. The more the better to help you express to your partner how you felt. This helps relieve the intensity about the past argument.

1. I felt defensive.

2. I felt listened to.

3. My feelings got hurt.

4. I felt understood.

5. I felt angry.

6. I felt sad.

7. I felt happy.

8. I felt misunderstood

9. I felt criticized.

10. I didn’t take my partner’s complaints personally.

11. I felt disliked by my partner.

12. I felt cared for.

13. I was worried.

14. I felt afraid.

15. I felt safe.

16. I was relaxed.

17. I felt right and my partner wrong.

18. I felt we were both partly right.

19. I felt out of control.

20. I felt in control.

21. I felt righteously indignant.

22. I felt that we were both morally justified in our views.

23. I felt picked on unfairly.

24. I felt appreciated.

25. I felt unappreciated.

26. I felt unattractive.

27. I felt attractive.

28. I felt morally outraged.

29. I felt taken for granted.

30. I didn’t feel taken for granted.

31. I felt like leaving.

32. I felt like staying and talking this through.

33. I was overwhelmed with emotion.

34. I felt calm.

35. I felt powerful.

36. I felt powerless.

37. I felt that I had no influence.

38. I felt I could be persuasive.

39. I felt as if my opinion didn’t even matter.

40. There was a lot of give and take.

41. I had not feelings at all.

42. I have no idea what I was feeling

43. I felt lonely.

44. I felt alienated.

45. Other feelings

II.  Share your subjective reality.

Summarize your own personal point of view, your personal reality about the disagreement. What was your story?

III.  Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand.

Try and see how your partner’s subjective point of view, their reality, make sense,  given your partner’s perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his or her reality that makes sense to you.

IV. What triggered in you during the disagreement.

What in your history, your childhood, life before this relationship became triggered during the conversation?

V.   Accept some responsibility. 

       Admit your role in the conflict, what you did that made matters worse.

1. I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

2. I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

3. I have I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

4. I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

5. I have taken my partner for granted.

6. I have been highly sensitive lately.

7. I have been highly critical lately.

8. I have not shared very much of my inner world.

9. I have not been emotionally available.

10. I have been turning away from partner.

11. I have been getting easily upset.

12. I have been depressed lately.

13. I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.

14. I have not been affectionate.

15. I have not made time for good things between us.

16. I have not been a very good listener.

17. I have not been asking for what I need.

18. I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.

19. I have needed to be alone.

20. I have not wanted to take care of anybody.

21. (Add your own)

Overall, my contribution to this disagreement was __________ . 

VI. Make it better in the future

This is where persuasion is appropriate. Not trying to manipulate, but asking for the favor of trying something different.  By the time you get to this step, you both will clearly see possibilities to try differently next time. Be sure to start with what YOU will try next time. Then have your partner go. Then, what your "ask" is for your partner to try next time, and then, theirs for you. If the "ask" to too far of a stretch  for either of you, adjust it to something you can try that is reasonable. Remember, it may not work out so whatever happens is ok to learn from and try again and again as you learn to care about yourself and each other.

1. One thing you could try next time? (Let each respond before moving to number 2)

2. One thing you would like your partner to try differently next time?