SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
Ways to Rebuild Trust after an Affair
Since the affair has put the foundation of the relationship into question for the hurt partner – much like a rug being pulled out from underneath them – it is up to the unfaithful partner to demonstrate that they are worthy of trust.
Low and High Cost Repair Behaviors
The most basic benefit of being in a relationship is the confidence you derive from having a teammate you can rely on to help with the vicissitudes of life. Below is a chart of life:
Life chart
If we have a companion, confidant, and lover along the way, these unexpected dips and turns are easier to manage because you are not going alone. You know and trust that they will have your back through the inevitable pitfalls of life. When you have this trust, a sense of security is created.
Affairs usually occur because one or both partners have gotten squirmy and have started to bail on being teammates in one form or another.
Since the affair has put the foundation of the relationship into question for the hurt partner – much like a rug being pulled out from underneath them – it is up to the unfaithful partner to demonstrate that they are worthy of trust.
Dr. Janis Spring, author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, states that to get to the rebuilding trust phase of a relationship, the hurt partner must first normalization his or her intense feelings and then make a decision to recommit with the unfaithful partner. After this occurs, ways to rebuild trust fall into two categories of behavior.
The first is what she calls low-cost behaviors, and the second is high-cost behaviors.
Below are examples of some low-cost behaviors for the unfaithful partner to begin to rebuild trust.
Remember, it’s your job to continue to demonstrate that you are worthy of trust.
Leave little up to assumption. For example, give your partner the complete itinerary when you travel.
Let your partner know if you run into the affair person.
Check in throughout the day remind your partner you are thinking about them.
Remind your partner that you love them, and why you picked him or her.
Tell your partner that you find them attractive.
Tell your partner how much you appreciate them.
Leave little up to assumption in regards to your feelings and emotions. Fill your partner in on your emotional landscape, especially if you are not used to doing this.
Ask what you need from your partner to make the relationship more satisfactory. Do this in a way that does not blame your partner, or justifies your behavior.
Have patience — you can’t regain trust overnight.
Below are examples of low-cost behaviors for you, the hurt partner.
Remember it is important to positively acknowledge your partner’s efforts to restore your trust.
Let your partner know specifically what low-cost behaviors you need from them to restore your trust; leave little up to assumption.
Let your partner know that you appreciate their above efforts – specificity helps.
Tell them that you are feeling more optimistic about your future together.
Be open to feedback.
Demonstrate that you are trying to address his or her dissatisfaction at home.
If your partner is trying to be more emotionally open, be patient, and appreciate such efforts especially if your partner is new to it.
I highly recommend this book.
These low-cost behaviors are the building blocks for rebuilding trust. They are essential for sharing responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship. Dr. Springs states that low-cost behaviors are not enough.
High-cost behaviors are the bedrock of the trust-building phase that squarely falls on the shoulders of the unfaithful person.
She writes:
“It’s not enough for you to say, ‘Trust me, honey – I’m here to stay.’ You have to back your claim with dramatic gestures that are ‘expensive’ – in other words, that require real sacrifice and will probably make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.”
Examples of high-cost behaviors are:
Allowing your partner to have your passwords, and bank account information if requested.
Having a joint bank account, or dividing assets in half.
Transferring jobs – away from the affair person.
Moving to a different city.
Going to drug and alcohol treatment, staying sober, or going to 12-step meetings.
Going to individual therapy in order to gain more insight into why the affair occurred.
Going to couple therapy to process the affair, as well as learn ways to prevent future infidelity by transforming the relationship.
Cutting ties with old friends or social groups.
Going on a romantic vacation.
The silver lining to such high-cost behaviors for you, the unfaithful person, is that they will make you a better person.
They will force you to be someone who is worthy of trust, someone who has examined his or her self and who now has nothing to hide. You will be a better example for your kids if you have them. Although difficult at first, you may find such integrity and transparency altogether more satisfying.
The good news is, if an affair has occurred and you both wish to remain in the relationship, you can take concrete steps to become teammates again.
You can’t schedule the restoration of trust and most likely it will never return to how it was, but eventually it can be better. With work, strongly committed couples can rebuild the trust and security that is the foundation for a happy relationship.
Internal Family Systems: 8 C's of Self Energy/Awareness List
8 C's of Self Energy/Awareness List: Internal Family Systems
8 C's of Self Energy/Awareness List
1. Calmness -
a physiological and mental serenity regardless of the circumstances 2. the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme ways 3. to be less vulnerable to adopting the common fight-flight-freeze response when threatened
2. Curiosity -
a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person 2. to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work 3. genuinely interested in non-judgmentally understanding something or someone
3. Clarity -
the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotions 2. the ability to maintain one’s objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest 3. the absence of preconception and objection 4. the ability to maintain a “beginner’s mind” in which many possibilities exist
4. Compassion -
to be open heartedly present and appreciative of others without feeling the urge to fix, change or distance from them 2. an intuitive understanding that the suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them 3. to simultaneously have empathy for others and a belief that the other has a Self that once released can relieve his or her own suffering
5. Confidence -
to maintain a strong belief in one’s ability to stay fully present in a situation and handle or repair anything that happens with the belief that “no matter what, it’s all okay and will all work out the way it can” 2. to have healed from previous traumas and learned from previous failures to such a degree that their effect does not spill into the present 3. to understand that mistakes are only lessons to be learned
6. Courage -
strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger 2. the willingness to be take action toward a goal that others would find overwhelming 3. the ability to recognize the damage we do to others then take action to make amends 4. the willingness to reflect and “go inside” toward our own pain and shame, carefully examine it and act on what we see
7. Creativity -
the use of the imagination to produce original ideas 2. the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity 3. the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems
8. Connectedness -
the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, team, community, or organization 2. a connection to a meaningful purpose or a higher calling above the circumstances of daily life 3. to be in a relationship with someone who truly knows and accepts you for who you really are 4. to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that you won’t be judged or controlled and are not afraid of getting hurt because you have confidence that you can repair any damage or misunderstandings that may occur
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when a person is actually emotionally overwhelmed and instead of expressing the overwhelm actively with outward intensity, the person detaches and appears to be cold to their partner and uninterested in what they are saying. Stonewalling is actually for form of flooding and a signal that that person needs to take a time out of at least 20 minutes or more, until they feel safe and can actually engage with the other person.
Stonewalling is when a person is actually emotionally overwhelmed and instead of expressing the overwhelm actively with outward intensity, the person detaches and appears to be cold to their partner and uninterested in what they are saying. Stonewalling is actually for form of flooding and a signal that that person needs to take a time out of at least 20 minutes or more, until they feel safe and can actually engage with the other person.
Video excerpt of Making Marriage Work seminar with John Gottman explaining what Stonewalling is and what to do about it. This is a great resource for marriage therapy to help resolve relationship conflict and communicate effectively.
How to Take a Break During Conversations at Home When Either Partner is Getting Flooded
How to Take a Break During Conversations at Home When Either Partner is Getting Flooded
a) If one person asks for a break, the other partner needs to agree without either partner trying to get the last word into the conversation;
b) The partners should agree on a time that they will get back together again to resume their conversation. The break should last at least 20 minutes, but no longer than 24 hours;
c) The couple should then part and go to separate places where they can no longer see or hear each other, such as separate rooms in the house or one person outside while the other remains inside, etc.;
d) During the break, each partner should do something self-soothing that takes their minds off the discussion with their partner, such as reading a book, listening to some music, taking a walk, going for a run, etc. It's important that the partners do not think of how they can next respond, as that will only keep them flooded;
e) They should return to talk together at the time they designated earlier. If one is not yet calm, she or she should still return, but then ask for a specified additional amount of time in order to fully calm down;
f) After returning to one another in a calmer state, the couple may resume their conversation.
—-Gottman Research
Take a break during conflict discussions
Understanding Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is an extremely troublesome but misunderstood phenomenon. People frequently accuse each other of engaging in it without really understanding what it is. On the other hand, when they encounter the real thing, they’re unable to recognize it and are therefore victimized by those who employ it.
Passive-aggressive behavior is an extremely troublesome but misunderstood phenomenon. People frequently accuse each other of engaging in it without really understanding what it is. On the other hand, when they encounter the real thing, they’re unable to recognize it and are therefore victimized by those who employ it.
So who is a passive-aggressive person, really? Essentially, it’s someone who engages in the indirect expression of anger. This person is unable to acknowledge to themselves or to others that they are angry, so they unconsciously bury this feeling deep in their psyche. Unfortunately, buried emotions have a way of leaking out, as I’ll soon demonstrate.
Anger is a complicated emotion. In our society, it’s both celebrated (see any action or payback movie) and reviled. Anger is seen as both powerful and dangerous; both the path to success and a sign of destructiveness.
It’s difficult for us to separate anger from violence or to see images of anger expressed constructively anywhere in the media. We’re given mixed messages about this emotion and if we grow up with parents who tell us that our anger was “bad,” our confusion worsens.
Some people might have had a raging parent, and having seen this inappropriate expression of anger, come to feel that any anger is terrible and begin to repress it within themselves.
All of these things go into making someone passive-aggressive. Psychologically, this person needs to have an outlet for their repressed anger but is terrified to let it out. They fear that their anger might hurt others or that they’ll be punished for showing it. On the other hand, like any feeling, it pushes against the unconscious barriers to be released.
The anger, like any emotion, has to be expressed. If the person is unable or unwilling to let it out, their unconscious mind finds a different way, which is to make the people around them angry. The feeling gets expressed, but vicariously.
Examples of such behavior are chronic lateness, forgetfulness; losing borrowed objects; breaking dishes while washing up; forgetting to lock the front door; not closing the back door and allowing the dog to escape. All these behaviors serve to upset and enrage others.
When the recipient of this behavior becomes angry, they are told that they’re over-reacting; that it was an accident; that it wasn’t done on purpose. This makes the person on the receiving end all the more angry. Interestingly, once the other person explodes in anger, the passive-aggressive one feels a great sense of relief, as if it were they themselves who was releasing this pent-up rage.
The treatment of this condition is to come to terms with one’s anger and to recognize that it’s not necessarily a bad emotion; just one which needs appropriate expression. For the person on the receiving end, this behavior is abusive and if they can’t get their loved one to stop it, the only solution might be to walk away.
NVC Nonviolent Communication on Wikipedia
NVC is based on the assumption that all human beings have capacity for compassion and empathy and that people only resort to violence or behavior harmful to others when they do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Marshall Rosenberg lecturing in a Nonviolent Communication workshop (1990)
Nonviolent Communication (abbreviated NVC, also called Compassionate Communication or Collaborative Communication) is an approach to nonviolent living developed by Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s.[1][2][3]
NVC is based on the assumption that all human beings have capacity for compassion and empathy and that people only resort to violence or behavior harmful to others when they do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.[4]
NVC theory supposes that all human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs, and that these needs are never in conflict; rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash. NVC proposes that people should identify shared needs, which are revealed by the thoughts and feelings surrounding these needs, and then they should collaborate to develop strategies and make requests of each other to meet each other's needs. The goal is interpersonal harmony and learning for future cooperation.[5]
NVC aims to support change on three interconnected levels: within self, between others, and within groups and social systems. NVC is taught as a process of interpersonal communication designed to improve compassionate connection to others. Practitioners also emphasize that it can have many beneficial "side effects" as a spiritual practice, as a set of values, as parenting best practices, as a tool for social change, as a mediation tool, as an educational orientation, and as a worldview.
Rosenberg related ways he used Nonviolent Communication in peace programs in conflict zones including Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Colombia, Serbia, Croatia, Ireland, and the Middle East including the disputed West Bank.[23]
History and development
According to a biography of Rosenberg on the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) website,[24] Nonviolent Communication training evolved from his search for a way to rapidly disseminate peacemaking skills. CNVC says that NVC emerged from work he was doing with civil rights activists in the early 1960s, and that during this period he also mediated between rioting students and college administrators, and worked to peacefully desegregate public schools in long-segregated regions.[24]
A master's thesis by Marion Little (2008) says that the roots of the NVC model developed in the late 1960s, when Rosenberg was working on racial integration in schools and organizations in the Southern United States.[25] The earliest version of the model (observations, feelings, and action-oriented wants) was part of a training manual Rosenberg prepared in 1972. The model had evolved to its present form (observations, feelings, needs and requests) by 1992. The dialog between Rosenberg and NVC colleagues and trainers continued to influence the model, which by the late 2000s put more emphasis on self-empathy as a key to the model's effectiveness. Another shift in emphasis, since 2000, has been the reference to the model as a process. The focus is thus less on the "steps" themselves and more on the practitioner's intentions in speaking ("Is the intent to get others to do what one wants, or to foster more meaningful relationships and mutual satisfaction?") in listening ("Is the intent to prepare for what one has to say, or to extend heartfelt, respectful attentiveness to another?") and the quality of connection experienced with others.[25]
Also according to Little's thesis, Rosenberg's work with Carl Rogers on research to investigate the necessary and sufficient conditions of a therapeutic relationship was central to the development of NVC. Rogers emphasized:
1) experiential learning,
2) "frankness about one's emotional state,"
3) the satisfaction of hearing others "in a way that resonates for them,"
4) the enriching and encouraging experience of "creative, active, sensitive, accurate, empathic listening,"
5) the "deep value of congruence between one's own inner experience, one's conscious awareness, and one's communication," and, subsequently,
6) the enlivening experience of unconditionally receiving love or appreciation and extending the same.[25]
Little says Rosenberg was influenced by Erich Fromm, George Albee, and George Miller to adopt a community focus in his work, moving away from clinical psychological practice. The central ideas influencing this shift by Rosenberg were that: (1) individual mental health depends on the social structure of a community (Fromm), (2) therapists alone are unable to meet the psychological needs of a community (Albee), and (3) knowledge about human behavior will increase if psychology is freely given to the community (Miller).[25]
According to Little, Rosenberg's early work with children with learning disabilities shows his interest in psycholinguistics and the power of language, as well as his emphasis on collaboration. In its initial development, the NVC model re-structured the pupil-teacher relationship to give students greater responsibility for, and decision-making related to, their own learning. The model has evolved over the years to incorporate institutional power relationships (i.e., police-citizen, boss-employee) and informal ones (i.e. man-woman, rich-poor, adult-youth, parent-child). The ultimate aim is to develop societal relationships based on a restorative, "partnership" paradigm and mutual respect, rather than a retributive, fear-based, "domination" paradigm.[25]
Little also says Rosenberg identified Mahatma Gandhi as an inspiration for the NVC model, and that Rosenberg's goal was to develop a practical process for interaction rooted in the philosophy of Ahimsa, which Little translates as "the overflowing love that arises when all ill-will, anger, and hate have subsided from the heart."[25]
Unlike Gandhi, Rosenberg endorses the idea of protective force when physical conflict may prove unavoidable. As long as force is not punitive, the use of protective force is acceptable with the sole intent of protecting life; without passing judgment on the person or behavior.[26]
In order to show the differences between communication styles, Rosenberg started to use two animals. Violent communication was represented by the carnivorous Jackal as a symbol of aggression and especially dominance. The herbivorous Giraffe on the other hand, represented his NVC strategy. The Giraffe was chosen as symbol for NVC as its long neck is supposed to show the clear-sighted speaker, being aware of his fellow speakers' reactions; and because the Giraffe has a large heart, representing the compassionate side of NVC. In his courses he tended to use these animals in order to make the differences in communication clearer to the audience.[27]
Overview
Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These "violent" modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.[citation needed][28]
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, published numerous training materials to help in efforts to bring about radical social change.[29] He was concerned with transforming the "gangs and domination structures" through the method he called "ask, ask, ask". He suggested social change activists could focus on gaining access to those in power in order to "ask, ask, ask" for changes that will make life better for all including the powerful.[30] He wrote about the need for the protective use of force, distinguishing it from the punitive use of force.[31]
Assumptions
Two NVC trainers characterize the assumptions underlying NVC as follows:[4]
All human beings share the same needs
Our world offers sufficient resources for meeting everyone's basic needs
All actions are attempts to meet needs
Feelings point to needs being met or unmet
All human beings have the capacity for compassion
Human beings enjoy giving
Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships
Human beings change
Choice is internal
The most direct path to peace is through self-connection
Intentions
The trainers also say that practicing NVC involves having the following intentions:[4]
Open-hearted living
Expressing from the heart
Receiving with compassion
Prioritizing connection
Moving beyond "right" and "wrong" to using needs-based assessments
Choice, responsibility, peace
Taking responsibility for our feelings
Taking responsibility for our actions
Living in peace with unmet needs
Increasing capacity for meeting needs
Increasing capacity for meeting the present moment
Sharing power (partnership)
Caring equally for everyone's needs
Using force minimally and to protect rather than to educate, punish, or get what we want without agreement
Communication that blocks compassion
Rosenberg says that certain ways of communicating tend to alienate people from the experience of compassion:[32]:ch.2
Moralistic judgments implying wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our values. Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons, and diagnoses are all said to be forms of judgment. (Moralistic judgments are not to be confused with value judgments as to the qualities we value.) The use of moralistic judgments is characterized as an impersonal way of expressing oneself that does not require one to reveal what is going on inside of oneself. This way of speaking is said to have the result that "Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting."
Demands that implicitly or explicitly threaten listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.
Denial of responsibility via language that obscures awareness of personal responsibility. It is said that we deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to: vague impersonal forces ("I had to"); our condition, diagnosis, personal or psychological history; the actions of others; the dictates of authority; group pressure; institutional policy, rules, and regulations; gender roles, social roles, or age roles; or uncontrollable impulses.
Making comparisons between people.
A premise of deserving, that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment.
Four components
How Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests are connected in the NVC system
Rosenberg invites NVC practitioners to focus attention on four components:
Observation: the facts (what we are seeing, hearing, or touching) as distinct from our evaluation of meaning and significance. NVC discourages static generalizations. It is said that "When we combine observation with evaluation others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying." Instead, a focus on observations specific to time and context is recommended.[32]:ch.
Feelings: emotions or sensations, free of thought and story. These are to be distinguished from thoughts (e.g., "I feel I didn't get a fair deal") and from words colloquially used as feelings but which convey what we think we are (e.g., "inadequate"), how we think others are evaluating us (e.g., "unimportant"), or what we think others are doing to us (e.g., "misunderstood", "ignored"). Feelings are said to reflect whether we are experiencing our needs as met or unmet. Identifying feelings is said to allow us to more easily connect with one another, and "Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts."[32]:ch.4
Needs: universal human needs, as distinct from particular strategies for meeting needs. It is posited that "Everything we do is in service of our needs."[33]
Request: request for a specific action, free of demand. Requests are distinguished from demands in that one is open to hearing a response of "no" without this triggering an attempt to force the matter. If one makes a request and receives a "no" it is recommended not that one give up, but that one empathize with what is preventing the other person from saying "yes," before deciding how to continue the conversation. It is recommended that requests use clear, positive, concrete action language.[32]:ch.6
Modes
There are three primary modes of application of NVC:
Self-empathy involves compassionately connecting with what is going on inside us. This may involve, without blame, noticing the thoughts and judgments we are having, noticing our feelings, and most critically, connecting to the needs that are affecting us.[33]:ch.4
Receiving empathically, in NVC, involves "connection with what's alive in the other person and what would make life wonderful for them... It's not an understanding of the head where we just mentally understand what another person says... Empathic connection is an understanding of the heart in which we see the beauty in the other person, the divine energy in the other person, the life that's alive in them... It doesn't mean we have to feel the same feelings as the other person. That's sympathy, when we feel sad that another person is upset. It doesn't mean we have the same feelings; it means we are with the other person... If you're mentally trying to understand the other person, you're not present with them."[33]:ch.5
Empathy involves "emptying the mind and listening with our whole being." NVC suggests that however the other person expresses themselves, we focus on listening for the underlying observations, feelings, needs, and requests. It is suggested that it can be useful to reflect a paraphrase of what another person has said, highlighting the NVC components implicit in their message, such as the feelings and needs you guess they may be expressing.[32]:ch.7
Expressing honestly, in NVC, is likely to involve expressing an observation, feeling, need, and request. An observation may be omitted if the context of the conversation is clear. A feeling might be omitted if there is sufficient connection already, or the context is one where naming a feeling isn't likely to contribute to connection. It is said that naming a need in addition to a feeling makes it less likely that people will think you are making them responsible for your feeling. Similarly, it is said that making a request in addition to naming a need makes it less likely that people will infer a vague demand that they address your need. The components are thought to work together synergistically. According to NVC trainer Bob Wentworth, "an observation sets the context, feelings support connection and getting out of our heads, needs support connection and identify what is important, and a request clarifies what sort of response you might enjoy. Using these components together minimizes the chances of people getting lost in potentially disconnecting speculation about what you want from them and why."[34]
References
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a b Bowers, Richard; Moffett, Nelle (2012). Empathy in Conflict Intervention: The Key to Successful NVC Mediation. Harmony World Publishing. ISBN 978-1-4776-1460-0.^ 1 Connor, J. M.; Wentworth, R. (12–14 July 2012). Training in Collaborative Communication in an Organizational Context: Assessment of Impact. Psychologists for Social Responsibility 30th Anniversary Conference. Washington DC. Retrieved 21 Sep 2017.
^ Riemer, D.; Corwith, C. (2007). "Application of core strategies: reducing seclusion & restraint use" (PDF). On the Edge. 13 (3): 7–10. Retrieved Mar 19, 2015.
^ Riemer, D. (2009). "Creating Sanctuary: Reducing Violence in a Maximum Security Forensic Psychiatric Hospital Unit". On the Edge. 15 (1). Retrieved Sep 20, 2011.
^ Suarez, Alejandra; Dug Y. Lee; Christopher Rowe; Alex Anthony Gomez; Elise Murowchick; Patricia L. Linn (11 February 2014). "Freedom Project: Nonviolent Communication and Mindfulness Training in Prison". SAGE Open. 4 (2014 4): 10. doi:10.1177/2158244013516154. Retrieved 24 April 2014.
^ "Batterers' intervention recidivism rates lowest known to date". Mountain Democrat (Placerville, CA). 30 April 2014. Retrieved 1 May 2014.
^ The Atlantic, Maslow 2.0: A New and Improved Recipe for Happiness
^ Tay, Louis; Diener, Ed (2011). "Needs and Subjective Well-Being Around the World" (PDF). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 101 (2): 354–365. doi:10.1037/a0023779. PMID 21688922. Retrieved Sep 20, 2011.
^ Jump up to:
a b Latini, Theresa (2009). "Nonviolent Communication: A Humanizing Ecclesial and Educational Practice" (PDF). Journal of Education & Christian Belief. Kuyer's Institute for Christian Teaching and Learning. 13 (1): 19–31. CiteSeerX 10.1.1.614.8339. doi:10.1177/205699710901300104. Retrieved January 19, 2011.^ Jump up to:
a b "Spiritual Basis of Nonviolent Communication: A Question and Answer Session with Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D". Center for Nonviolent Communication. Retrieved Dec 1, 2011.^ Prieto, Jaime L. Jr. (2010). The Joy of Compassionate Connecting: The Way of Christ through Nonviolent Communication. CreateSpace. p. 298. ISBN 1-4515-1425-5.
^ Rohlfs, Allan (Nov 14, 2012). "Beyond anger and blame: How to achieve constructive conflict". The Christian Century. 129 (23). Retrieved 16 May 2014.
^ van Deusen Hunsinger, Deborah (October 2009). "Practicing Koinonia" (PDF). Theology Today. 66 (3): 346–367. doi:10.1177/004057360906600306. Retrieved 16 October 2011.
^ Latini, Theresa F. (May 2007). "Nonviolent Communication and the Image of God". Perspectives: A Journal of Reformed Thought. Retrieved Nov 8, 2011.
^ Shantigarbha (May 8, 2008). "NVC in the FWBO: Heart-to-Heart Communication". FWBO & TBMSG News.
^ Little, Jason (January 31, 2009). "Buddhism and Nonviolent Communication". Shambhala Times.
^ Lasater, Judith Hanson; Lasater, Ike K. (2009). What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication. Rodmell Press. p. 192. ISBN 978-1-930485-24-2.
^ Jones, Suzanne (2009) Traditional Education or Partnership Education: Which Educational Approach Might Best Prepare Students for the Future? MA Thesis, Communication, San Diego, California. USA. San Diego University: 203.
^ Danielsen, Gert. "Meeting Human Needs, Preventing Violence: Applying Human Needs Theory to the Conflict in Sri Lanka" (PDF). Retrieved 12 March 2013.
^ Havva Kök, "Nonviolent Communication in Political Conflicts", USAK Yearbook of International Politics and Law, Volume 2, (2009). pp. 349–362
^ Burton, John 1990b. Conflict: Basic Human Needs. New York: St. Martins Press.
^ Jump up to:
a b c d Flack, Chapman (September 2006). "The subtle violence of nonviolent language". CrossCurrents. 56 (3). ISSN 0011-1953. Retrieved January 19, 2011.^ Lasley, Martha (2005) Difficult Conversations: Authentic Communication Leads to Greater Understanding and Teamwork. Group Facilitation: A Research and Applications Journal, Number 7
^ Stanfield, R. Brian, ed. (2000). The Art of Focused Conversation: 100 Ways to Access Group Wisdom in the Workplace (ICA series). New Society Publishers. p. 240. ISBN 978-0-86571-416-8.
^ Altmann, Tobias (2010). Evaluation der Gewaltfreien Kommunikation in Quer- und Längsschnittdaten (PDF) (Unpublished dissertation). University of Leipzig, Institut für Psychologie II. Retrieved 16 May 2014.
^ Jump up to:
a b Bitschnau, Karoline (2008). Die Sprache der Giraffen. Wie die Gewaltfreie Kommunikation Ihr Leben verändern kann. Paderborn (Junfermann).^ Jump up to:
a b Oboth, Monika (2007). "Inspiration und Herausforderung". Spektrum der Mediation. 28: 9–11.^ "The Protective Use of Force - The Natural Child Project". www.naturalchild.org. Retrieved 2019-11-25.
^ "Nonviolent Communication can be emotionally violent". Real Social Skills. Retrieved 2019-11-25.
^ Kashtan, Miki (2012-12-07). "Does Nonviolent Communication Work". Psychology Today. Retrieved 2019-11-18.
^ Gorsevski, Ellen (2004). Peaceful Persuasion: The Geopolitics of Nonviolent Rhetoric. State University of New York Press. pp. 166, 227–228.
^ "Endorsements of Nonviolent Communication". PuddleDancer Press. Retrieved Nov 30, 2011.
^ Hartenstein, Sven. "ANVC (Almost Nonviolent Communication)". Retrieved 21 April 2013.
^ MacCracken, Harry (18 Sep 2017). "Satya Nadella Rewrites Microsoft's Code". Fast Company. Retrieved 25 Sep 2017.
^ Guidelines for sharing NVC, cnvc.org
^ Certification, cnvc.org
^ Nonviolent Communication International Intensive Training, cnvc.org
^ "Organizations". nvcworld.com. NVC World. Retrieved October 6, 2016.
^ Organization of the NVC Movement, capitalnvc.net
^ Training Schedule, cnvc.org
^ "International Organisations". nvcworld.com. 2011. Retrieved October 19, 2011.
^ "Find nvc organizations". cnvc.org. 2011. Retrieved October 19, 2011
Non-Violent Communication Videos
Non-violent Communication
7 Ways To Set Boundaries Without Being Mean
7 Ways To Set Boundaries Without Being Mean
Start saying “No” To change your ways, you must always start small and in this scenario pick something minor to say no to. ...
Trust your body instinct. ...
Let go of what people will think. ...
Stay firm. ...
Be short and confident in your “No” ...
Be clear about what “Yes” means. ...
Implement ASSA.
ASSA stands for:
Alert the individual that you need to talk to them.
State your issue by revealing to the person what the problem is. Tell them why it’s an issue.
Sell the advantages to them for acting better towards you. For example, “you will seem professional”.
Agree. Seek agreement for doing things differently in future.
Increase Self Awareness With One Simple Fix
Self-awareness has countless proven benefits -- stronger relationships, higher performance, more effective leadership. Sounds pretty great, right?
“Yesterday I was clever, and I wanted to change the world." Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” — Ruminator
Ask WHAT, NOT why, for more accurate and satisfying Self Awareness.
Why questions trap us in the rear view mirror.
WHAT questions move us forward to our future.
Self-awareness has countless proven benefits -- stronger relationships, higher performance, more effective leadership. Sounds pretty great, right? Here’s the bad news: 95% of people think that they’re self-aware, but only 10-15% actually are!
Luckily, Tasha Eurich has a simple solution that will instantly improve your self-awareness. As a third-generation entrepreneur, Dr. Tasha Eurich was born with a passion for business, pairing her scientific savvy in human behavior with a practical approach to solving business challenges.
As an organizational psychologist, she’s helped thousands of leaders improve their effectiveness, from Fortune 500 executives to early-stage entrepreneurs. Her new book, Insight, reveals the findings of her three-year research program on self-awareness, which she calls the meta-skill of the 21st century. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.
To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight
Repair needs to be about dialogue and understanding, not debate and convince. Curiosity, interest, and compassion for self and other is needed. Otherwise, you will end the conversation feeling further distance from each other and worse than when you began. The goals is repair and to feel better and closer.
Instructions:
To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight
From the Research on Couples Happiness and Unhappiness by Julie and John Gottman, Ph.D.
First some notes before you do the process, and then the process will follow:
NOTES TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU BEGIN
1. You are processing a PAST event, not the present.
So, talk about how you felt in the PAST event, not how you feel right now.1.
For example,
• Do this: In that argument, I felt hurt, sad, and dismissed.
• Don’t do this: I feel angry at you now about that argument.
Reason for this Instruction: You are processing what happened in the past to feel more complete, so you can let go obsessing over it, learn from it and that will help you both feel closer. If your emotion is so strong now about the event, say in the “yellow” or “read” you are most likely flooded or soon to be. So, it is best to not do the exercise until you are calm, and you can check your pulse to see. If it is close to or over 100 beats, you need to calm before you do the repair. You both need to be in the “green” so reasonableness has a chance to stay steady. Being flooded isn’t wrong, it just means you are still hurting and need more time to calm, then do the exercise.
2. BOTH points of view are right.
It is important to remember, and remind yourself often, that a point of view is not an absolute reality. It is relative. Subjective. If you are flooded you will not be able to hear a point of view that you see differently without debating or being defensive. If you are in the green, you can be curious and interested in your partner’s inner world and see to understand instead of persuade them to your view. The goal of closeness happens when each person feels heard and understood in their world. That makes each open to reasonable consideration and influence.
• Do this: I hear that you saw. . .
• Don’t do this: What you saw isn’t right . . .
Reason for this instruction: Repair needs to be about dialogue and understanding, not debate and convince. Curiosity, interest, and compassion for self and other is needed. Otherwise, you will end the conversation feeling further distance from each other and worse than when you began. The goals is repair and to feel better and closer.
3. Save all persuasiveness to step 6.
Reason for this instruction: Happy couples in the research waited until both people felt understood and their viewpoint considered before asking for anything. Step 6 is the Ask.
4. In step 6, remember you are going to “try” something different next time.
That means it may work better or it may not. Either is helpful information for your knowledge database in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. So, keep the “trying” as experimental where you are both looking for what works bests and let that grow.
• Do this: I want to try and start soft when I have a complaint and wait until I am calm to talk.
• Don’t do this: I am going to be soft so that this doesn’t happen again.
5. Each person gets a turn on each step.
Start with emotions first. Don’t combine steps.
Reason for this instruction: The emotions drive the intensity of the conversation and the repair. By starting there it takes pressure off each person and helps focus on learning.
6. If you are flooded, in the red or rising in the yellow. Stop.
When emotion runs high and stays high in the "red," it is necessary to take a break until both people are in the green, or calm. This is the most common reason repair isn't made: too much emotional intensity. It is ok and necessary to stop and return later when one or both partners are flooded. This does not mean that you don't feel intensity. This does mean when the intensity rises and starts to stay high or emotional intensity becomes detached, you need to stop and come back later when calm or feeling more able to be emotionally engaged. Also, when either partner is "tuned out" or "detached," in the "blue," that is also a sign of being overwhelmed and reasonableness is also inhibited.
Reason for instruction: You cannot be yield to reasonableness, when you are flooded with emotions or detached from your emotions. When flooded (red) or detached (blue) you can make matters worse, but you can't make them better until you calm down enough to yield to reason.
7. The Language of Healing In A Repair Conversation
According to the research of Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. and his process of ifs-Internal Family Systems.
The 8 C’s That Heal by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
Calmness - (1.) a high degree of physiological and mental serenity regardless of the circumstance(s) (2.) the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme ways(3.) to be less vulnerable to adopting the common fight-flight-freeze response when threatened. (Calmness experienced in dynamic degrees)
Curiosity - (1.) a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person (2.) to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work(3.) genuinely interested in non-judgmentally understanding something or someone. (Curiosity experienced in dynamic degrees)
Clarity - (1.) the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotion s(2.) the ability to maintain one’s objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest (3.) the absence of preconception and objection (opposing) (4.) the ability to maintain a “beginner’s mind” in which many possibilities exist. (Clarity is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Compassion - (1.) to be open heartedly present and appreciative of others without feeling the urge to fix, change or distance from them (2.) an intuitive understanding that the suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them (3.) to simultaneously have empathy for others and a belief that the other has a Self that once released can relieve his or her own suffering. (Compassion is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Confidence - (1.) to maintain a strong personal knowledge in one’s ability to stay fully or as present as possible in a situation and handle or repair anything that happens with the belief that “no matter what, it’s all okay and will all work out the way that it can” (2.) to have the direct experience of being healed from previous traumas and learned from previous failures to such a degree that their effect does not spill into the present (3.) to understand that mistakes are only lessons to be learned. (Confidence is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Courage - (1.) strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger (2.) the willingness to take action toward a goal that you or others would find overwhelming(3.) the ability to recognize the damage we do to others then take action to make amends (4.) the willingness to reflect and “go inside” toward our own pain and shame, carefully examine it and act on what we see. (Courage is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Creativity - (1.) the use of the imagination to produce original ideas (2.) the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity (3.) the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems. (Curiosity is experienced in dynamic degrees)
Connectedness - (1.) the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, family, team, community, or organization (2.) a connection to a meaningful purpose or a "higher calling" above the circumstances of daily life (3.) to be in a relationship with someone who truly knows and accepts you for who you actually are(4.) to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that judgement or controlling can happen and can addressed openly with options and have less fear of getting hurt because you have grown degrees of confidence that you can repair damage or misunderstandings when they occur. (Connectedness is experienced in dynamic degrees)
••••••••••••••••••
THE INSTRUCTIONS:
Step by Step Guide To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight
I. FEELINGS
Go through the list and say the ones that you felt in the disagreement that needs repair. The more the better to help you express to your partner how you felt. This helps relieve the intensity about the past argument.
I felt defensive.
I felt listened to.
My feelings got hurt.
I felt understood.
I felt angry.
I felt sad.
I felt happy.
I felt misunderstood
I felt criticized.
I didn’t take my partner’s complaints personally.
I felt disliked by my partner.
I felt cared for.
I was worried.
I felt afraid.
I felt safe.
I was relaxed.
I felt right and my partner wrong.
I felt we were both partly right.
I felt out of control.
I felt in control.
I felt righteously indignant.
I felt that we were both morally justified in our views.
I felt picked on unfairly.
I felt appreciated.
I felt unappreciated.
I felt unattractive.
I felt attractive.
I felt morally outraged.
I felt taken for granted.
I didn’t feel taken for granted.
I felt like leaving.
I felt like staying and talking this through.
I was overwhelmed with emotion.
I felt calm.
I felt powerful.
I felt powerless.
I felt that I had no influence.
I felt I could be persuasive.
I felt as if my opinion didn’t even matter.
There was a lot of give and take.
I had not feelings at all.
I have no idea what I was feeling
I felt lonely.
I felt alienated.
Other feelings
II. Share your subjective reality.
Summarize your own personal point of view, your personal reality about the disagreement. What was your story?
III. Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand.
Try and see how your partner’s subjective point of view, their reality, make sense, given your partner’s perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his or her reality that makes sense to you.
IV. What triggered in you during the disagreement.
What in your history, your childhood, life before this relationship became triggered during the conversation?
V. Accept some responsibility.
Admit your role in the conflict, what you did that made matters worse.
I have been very stressed and irritable lately.
I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.
I have I have been very stressed and irritable lately.
I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.
I have taken my partner for granted.
I have been highly sensitive lately.
I have been highly critical lately.
I have not shared very much of my inner world.
I have not been emotionally available.
I have been turning away from partner.
I have been getting easily upset.
I have been depressed lately.
I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.
I have not been affectionate.
I have not made time for good things between us.
I have not been a very good listener.
I have not been asking for what I need.
I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.
I have needed to be alone.
I have not wanted to take care of anybody.
(Add your own)
Overall, my contribution to this disagreement was __________ .
VI. Make it better in the future
This is where persuasion is appropriate. Not trying to manipulate, but asking for the favor of trying something different. By the time you get to this step, you both will clearly see possibilities to try differently next time. Be sure to start with what YOU will try next time. Then have your partner go. Then, what your "ask" is for your partner to try next time, and then, theirs for you. If the "ask" to too far of a stretch for either of you, adjust it to something you can try that is reasonable. Remember, it may not work out so whatever happens is ok to learn from and try again and again as you learn to care about yourself and each other.
1. One thing you could try next time? (Let each respond before moving to number 2)
2. One thing you would like your partner to try differently next time?
What Are Your Enduring Vulnerabilities?
This exercise is designed to help you identify your emotional vulnerabilities.
What Are Your Enduring Vulnerabilities?
Dear Neil: My wife “Sherry” and I have been married 29 years. We have gone through a huge number of hurts and disappointments that have left both of us feeling vulnerable. What can be done to overcome past emotional injuries so they don’t harm the quality of intimacy and closeness in our marriage?
The following exercise is designed to help you identify your emotional vulnerabilities. Check the columns that fit your present—or your past.
To each injury you checked, describe what happened, how did the wound affect you? What did you do to try to heal from the injury? What have you done to try to insure that this doesn’t happen again? What are the implications of the injury on your current life?
Answer the above questions. Then answer the questions once more, this time putting yourself in your spouse’s place. After that, thoroughly examine the following:
How do your enduring vulnerabilities affect your ability to connect emotionally with your mate?
Do you feel that past injuries interfere with your ability to invite emotional connection? In which ways?
Do you feel that past injuries interfere with your partner’s ability to invite or accept emotional connection from you? How so?
Do past wounds ever get in the way of your ability to feel included, desired or wanted by your spouse?
Do past injuries interfere with your ability to express affection—or to accept affection—from your mate?
Do you sometimes feel that you’re struggling too hard to control your partner because you feel vulnerable?
Do you sometimes feel that you’re struggling too hard to resist being controlled because you feel vulnerable?
Are there ways that your spouse could help you to heal from past injuries? What healing things would you like him/her to do or say? How could you most effectively this request to your mate?
Source: The Relationship Cure by John Gottman (Crown)
Listening to Understanding Must Precede Advice
By seeking to understand why your partner feels the way they do, you can learn a lot about them. By accepting their emotions and striving to learn more about why they feel the way they do, you build a bridge to greater connection.
Understanding Must Precede Advice
Mike finds his wife’s “explosion” of anger “unbearable.” When she gets angry, he tries to neutralize or fix her feelings. He often tries to problem solve before understanding why Stacey is upset. This makes Stacey feel dumb for experiencing and expressing her innate feelings. It also makes her feel like her emotional reality is something to be fixed and not legitimate.
The root of this conflict between Stacey and Mike can be found all the way back in their childhoods and how they were taught to view emotions.
For Stacey, her family was as okay with her feeling angry or sad as with her feeling joyful. All emotions were seen as legitimate and valuable—even the more difficult or less pleasant ones.
Mike’s family, on the other hand, instead of accepting emotions, tried to change them or prove to him that his feelings were “irrational.” As a result, any dark emotions overwhelm him, just as they did his family, and he seeks to control, suppress, and change them.
Since they view emotions so differently, Mike and Stacey both feel misunderstood when these darker emotions come up for either of them.
To understand each other better and create a more connected relationship, Dr. Gottman suggests using a weekly State of the Union meeting to start building the skills of attunement. Attunement is the capacity to be in harmony with your partner’s feelings. When couples attune to each other, they feel more connected and loved and have better sex.
In the first three installments of this State of the Union Column, we discussed the speaker’s responsibilities:
Speaker’s Role
A = Awareness
T = Tolerance
T = Transforming criticisms into wishes and positive needs
This week, we are now turning to the listener’s first responsibility in Dr. Gottman’s ATTUNE model:
Listener’s Role
U = Understanding
N = Non-Defensive Listening
E = Empathy
During his research, Dr. Gottman discovered that problem solving or giving your partner advice before understanding their feelings or perspective is counterproductive and actually interferes with reaching a resolution. Learning how to use conflict as an opportunity to understand and get to know each other better is a vital part of attunement.
The opportunity in negative emotions
In every close relationship there is the potential to share all emotions in their raw, ugly beauty, and, through that sharing, the opportunity to connect more deeply with your partner. But, if you grew up similarly to Mike and learned to dismiss or ignore your more difficult emotions, you may not feel comfortable embracing these emotional opportunities for connection.
The problem with dismissing emotions is that when emotions are banished they don’t vanish. As Susan David, Ph.D., says, bottling emotions leads to lower levels of well-being as well as high levels of depression and anxiety. It’s easy to see how this, over time, decreases the quality of your relationship.
I’ve heard many ask, “What is my partner trying to accomplish by being emotional?”
But what they are really asking is, “What is my partner trying to accomplish by showing negative emotions?”
I rarely, if ever, hear someone ask this question about emotions like joy, excitement, or passion. No one has an issue when their partner expresses those more positively perceived emotions.
Emotions are often labeled as problems when they are deemed to be one of the negative emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, disappointment, jealousy, loneliness, shame, and insecurity. Many believe that talking about these feelings will make things worse. This is false.
Emotions are as natural as breathing. They’re fleeting and messy and awful and wonderful, and they are all part of being human. All emotions are healthy—positive, negative, it doesn’t matter—unless we choose to bottle or brood over them. There is an evolutionary advantage to each and every emotion. And in today’s modern world, they offer insight into what we truly value.
My point is that all emotions are acceptable. As Dr. John Gottman says:
“Emotions have their own purpose and logic. Your partner cannot select which feelings to have. Their feelings come up unconsciously. If you can’t get beyond the belief that negative emotions are a waste of time and even dangerous, you will never be able to attune to your partner enough to have true intimacy.”
But, while all emotions are acceptable, all behavior is not.
By seeking to understand why your partner feels the way they do, you can learn a lot about them. By accepting their emotions and striving to learn more about why they feel the way they do, you build a bridge to greater connection.
Saying things like, “You’re making it a bigger deal than it is,” or “Calm down, you’re not thinking clearly,” are rarely effective. These statements only succeed in diminishing your partner and trivializing their emotional experience.
Instead try, “Please help me understand what has you so upset.” This approach provides an opportunity for you partner to process what they are feeling and for you to more deeply understand where your partner is coming from and who they are as a person.
Emotions are opportunities for intimacy. They are a gateway to building emotional connection and trust.
As the listener in your State of The Union, your first role is to seek understanding—to gain insight into the emotions your partner is feeling.
When I watch couples do this in my practice, both feel heard and emotionally closer. When one partner is unwilling to understand or let themselves be understood by their partner, the problems in their relationship fester and the disconnect and loneliness they feel increase. One of the biggest reasons this happens is due to the listening partner feeling responsible for making their partner happy.
Your partner’s feelings are not your responsibility
When Mike would listen to Stacey, he felt like it was his responsibility to transform her bad mood into a more positive, optimistic one.
He believed his role as her husband was to make her happy. When she was sad or frustrated, he would offer a way to solve the problem or tell her how he would choose to feel if he were in the same situation.
Big mistake.
By dismissing her feelings and telling her she is “blowing things out of proportion,” he made her feel as though she shouldn’t feel what she was feeling and that something was wrong with her.
Over time, she grew to resent him. This pushed them farther apart from each other. They started having less sex, were less playful with one another, and they started feeling like housemates instead of lovers.
What could Mike have done differently?
It goes back to attunement. It always goes back to attunement. Want to fix your relationship? Attune to each other. Want to deepen your bond and have greater intimacy? Attune to each other.
Mike didn’t need to problem solve or fix Stacey. He just needed to understand that she wanted to feel less alone.
For most of us, realizing we just have to understand and not problem solve is a huge relief. And the payoff is huge. When you attune, your partner feels safer with you. And when your partner feels safe, life is good. Sex is good. Your relationship becomes playful and joyous.
Over time, Mike learned that no harm would happen to their relationship if he simply listened to Stacey instead of giving advice. He learned to accept that he cannot control what she feels and that it is not his job to get his wife to cheer up, calm down, or develop a sense of humor. All she needs is for him to listen to her, understand her, and care.
Discover your partner’s uniqueness
The goal of attunement is to understand the unique, amazing, annoying, complex, frustrating, and fascinating person you are in a relationship with.
Any relationship between two people will have issues. No two people will ever agree on everything. And trying to turn your partner into you prevents you from growing yourself.
When you give up trying to change your partner into handling situations or problems like you, you can attune to them as they are and that’s when real intimacy blooms.
When seeking to understand your partner, it’s best to slow down and ask open-ended questions that help you understand them more. When you think you understand, then reflect back what you heard and ask your partner, “Did I get it right? Am I understanding you correctly?”
They may say yes or go on to explain some piece or aspect that you didn’t fully understand. If they do feel understood, there is one big question I love to have my couples ask that helps open up the deep emotions and the underlying meaning or cause of the conflict:
“Is there more to this?”
Our emotions, especially the feistier ones like anger, are like an iceberg. Underneath the surface of anger is fear, and when you melt away the fear, you uncover a well of sadness. So asking this question opens your partner up to sharing more about what’s buried deep inside.
The State of the Union weekly meeting is a dance. The goal of the listener is to appreciate your partner’s emotions: their meaning and history, and whatever events that may have escalated the conflict or hurt feelings.
When you seek to understand your partner, you gain access to a superpower that can transform the barriers of conflict that arise out of differences into bridges of intimacy.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/understanding-must-precede-advice/ By Kyle Benson
Nonviolent Comunication with Dr. Marshal Rosenberg (NVC) ~ A Basic Intro
Marshall Rosenberg, PhD has been effectively mediating conflicts throughout the world for more than 40 years. His method, Nonviolent Communication, has brought together warring factions as diverse as Irish Catholics and Protestants, Rwandan Hutus and Tutsis, Israelis and Palestinians as well as families and communities in conflict. His method is simply to enable both parties in conflict to listen with empathy to the authentic feelings and needs of the "other" without the need to blame and judge. Things can change when we feel heard as humans. The film clips assembled in this brief introduction are taken from a much larger documentary film project on finding human-to-human, heart-to-heart common ground beyond the realm of fixed beliefs. Please visit: BeyondBeliefFilm.org.
Nonviolent Communication with Dr. Marshal Rosenberg- A Basic Introduction
Fine-Tune Your Relationship
Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty.
1. Treat your partner as you would your boss, best friend, or best customer.
2. Think about what your partner wants and give it to him or her.
3. Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be thoughtful. Remember how you acted when you wanted to win your partner over.
4. Pay attention to your appearance. Dress nicely; get into shape.
5. Express your thoughts carefully. Being married doesn't give anyone permission to let it all hang out.
6. Spend regular time together alone.
7. Look for ways to compliment your partner.
8. Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels good and it makes people feel loved.
9. Learn and practice communication skills. Relating successfully to another person requires a set of skills that can be learned.
10. Be polite. Just because you are married doesn't mean you can forget your manners.
11. When you want something, say please.
12. When your partner does something for you, say thank you.
13. When your partner comes home after a day at work, greet her at the door and say hello. Ask how her day went.
14. When your partner leaves for work in the morning, say goodbye and "I love you" or "Have a good day."
15. When your partner faces a challenge at work during the day, ask how it went when you get home.
16. During your evening meal together, avoid the temptation to watch television or read the paper or mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.
17. If you want to make plans that affect how your partner will be spending time, check with him first and make sure it's convenient.
18. When you ask your partner a question, make eye contact and listen to the answer.
19. When you disagree with something your partner says, pay attention to your response. Do you express your opinion without putting her down? You can express your opinion assertively rather than aggressively. For example, you can say, "I have another opinion. I think we should wait until spring to have the walls painted," rather than, "That's silly! We should wait until spring."
20. Pay attention to how much of your side of the conversation is asking questions versus making statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask more questions.
21. Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to open up and talk. Open-ended questions begin like this:
a. Tell me about...
b. What do you think of...
c. What was it like when...
22. Have you become passive with your partner because that's the easiest way to avoid conflict? Over time, this is not a good idea. You will inevitably begin to build up feelings of resentment because you are stifling your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. If you think you are choosing passive behavior too often, think about discussing it with your partner and asking him to help you be more assertive.
23. Researchers have found that people whose marriages last the longest have learned to separate from their families of origin (their own parents and siblings) and have appropriate, healthy boundaries. They value and honor their own privacy and separateness as a couple. This means they have regular, appropriate contact with their extended family, but that it is not excessive or stifling. How do you compare?
24. Check your communication with your partner and beware of using "You" messages. These are statements that begin with you. For example:
You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.
You shouldn't do that.
You should call me from the office and tell me when you'll be home.
Here is what you ought to do.
"You" messages are damaging because they make the other person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like you are talking down to him or her.
25. If you want to demonstrate to your partner that you respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with "I" messages instead. When you start your statement with "I," you are taking responsibility for the statement. It is less blameful and less negative than the "you" message.
You can use this formula: Your feelings + Describe the behavior + Effect on you. This is how an "I" message sounds: When I heard that you'd planned a weekend up north, I was confused about why you hadn't asked me first, so I could be sure to get the time off. It takes some practice and you have to stop and think about what you are going to say, but your marriage deserves to be handled with care.
26. Make a list of your partner's positive qualities. Share them with him and tell her why you think each is true.
27. Ask your partner to do the same for you.
28. Respect each other's private space. Over time, many couples let this slide.
29. As the years pass, many couples begin to feel like they are living in the same house, but have parallel lives. Their paths cross in fewer places. What is the trend in your relationship and what do you want to do about it?
Check out: Connect With Your Partner: A Practical Activity Guide For Couples http://a.co/5t74ez6