Helping Our Teens Navigate a Changing World

It is so easy as parents to assume we understand our teens’ current struggles because we’ve “been there, done that.” Puberty, peer pressure, and parental expectations are challenges we all had to face on our way to adulthood and independence. But our children’s world is vastly different from the one we grew up in, and we need to adapt as parents in order to help guide our teens through their unique place in history.

How A Teen’s World is Different

It’s no secret that our kids spend multiple hours a day on screens and less time engaged in activities with family and friends. And in our busy adult lives, it’s hard to limit their access to social media, video games, and YouTube, especially when we have our own eyes on screens working, responding to emails, and entertaining ourselves. Gone are the days when homes had one screen – a television – that we all watched together. Telephones were hardwired into the wall and we were forced to go out into the world to seek friendship and entertainment – it wasn’t delivered to us via a small gadget in our hands. Today’s technology pulls us apart and isolates us. Covid made these trends even worse.

Our teens are also inundated with continuous images of unrealistic standards of beauty, wealth, intelligence, and fame. Internet “influencers” post choreographed videos portraying perfect lives to our children who may be sitting alone in their rooms. Earlier generations were also presented with images of beautiful models and glamorous lives in magazines, television and movies, but these sources of unrealistic standards had limits on our attention. Monthly magazine issues had limited numbers of pages. Television programs typically aired between 30 minutes to an hour, and movies were under 2 hours long. Our childhood entertainment wrapped up their endings and sent us on our merry way. Today, streaming services and apps feed continuous loops of content to teens who have little capacity for self-regulation due to their immature prefrontal cortex. Studies show that our teens feel worse about themselves after spending time on social media, but they still can’t stop themselves from returning to the content.

Parents today are also different from those who came before us. Often with good intentions, we are guilty of wanting to shield our teens from failure and disappointment. Teachers and coaches are barraged with emails and phone calls from parents who seek to ensure successful outcomes for their children. Unfortunately, we are also robbing their teens of the opportunity to grow through resilience and perseverance. Teens aren’t learning how to cope when things don’t go their way. And think about it, what deeper message are we sending our kids? That they can’t succeed without us.

We also live in an uncertain world where catastrophe feels imminent and real. Teens experienced Covid lockdowns and may have witnessed severe illness or death of loved ones. This taught them that life can be turned upside down at any moment. And warnings of climate change, leadership failures at state and national levels, upticks in crime and unrest, and growing concerns of an AI takeover all come together to paint a scary future. Every generation has its struggle, but this generation of teens has a unique, front-row seat to a world that feels like it’s spiraling out of control.

How Parents Can Adapt to their Teen’s World

This new reality for our kids requires us to adapt as parents. While we shouldn’t always hover and rescue them from the cruelties and disappointments of life, we also don’t want to tell them to just “get over it” and assume they’ll successfully muddle through life’s challenges on their own. Data shows that teens are experiencing higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide than ever before. We need to be plugged-in and aware of what’s going on in their lives

One important step we can take is to normalize stress for them. Don’t hide your bad day or failures from them. Let them see that life knocks us down and it hurts. Show them that emotions (good and bad) are a normal reaction to events in our lives – and we can manage them. Stop trying to be perfect in front of them. Show them that it’s sometimes okay to just be “good enough.” This will encourage them to share their own stresses and imperfections with you. Show them that you accept them as they are.

Also, don’t rescue them from failures. Teens need to experience the consequences of a missed school assignment, a poor test grade, or sitting on the bench during a game. This is how they learn to become self-motivated and begin to sort out their personal values that will guide them through life. They will find their tolerance for shame and disappointment and take steps to avoid it in the future. We need to give our teens room to stretch and learn. Better now when they still have us to lean on rather than when they are adults with real responsibilities and navigating the unpredictable world around them. 

It's also a good idea to set screen time boundaries for them, and perhaps even for ourselves. They won’t thank us for pulling the plug on access to their world, but their mental health will benefit. They will have a chance to daydream again, which is shown to reduce stress and anxiety by allowing the brain to relax and roam freely. These mini-escapes give space for their imaginations and creativity. And if we agree to limit our own screen time, we’ll gain the same benefits plus some meaningful free time to spend together.

And a final piece of advice – don’t be afraid to open up a dialogue about tough topics such as peer pressure, sex, anxiety, depression, suicide, and their future. We want our teens to feel safe coming to us rather than an influencer on TikTok. And look for opportunities to have deeper, meaningful conversations with them. Bring up current events and share your thoughts and ideas with one another. Your teen is on the cusp of adulthood, so you are nearing the end of your influence on the person you are sending out into the world. Use this time wisely and begin shifting your role in their life – your value to them will soon be that as mentor and fellow-traveler of this big planet. Be present for them and enjoy.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/LanaPhillips

What is the Gottman Method for Couples, Relationships, and Families?

What is the Gottman Approach to therapy and counseling? 

I’ll explain~

I absolutely love the Gottman’s therapeutic approach! There is so much that can be said about this method. If you have never heard about this couple’s approach in therapy, then let me give you a little bit of insight. The Gottman Method aims "to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship." Interventions used in the Gottman Method are research-based and grounded in the Sound Relationship House theory, which specifies nine elements of a healthy relationship. Imagine a house with seven floors and two weight bearing walls.

Floor 1 - Build Love Maps.

Love maps are important because the whole relationship begins on the firm foundation of truly knowing one another. Each partner knows the ins and outs of their partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know one another better than anyone else.

Floor 2 – Share Fondness and Admiration.

We all love to hear something nice about ourselves, right? This is a need, and it means the most when it comes from your loved one. Vocalizing your admiration for one another and being able to articulate the big and little reasons you love each other is huge!

Floor 3 – Turn Towards.

When you need attention, support, and comfort from your partner, you more than likely say or do something to elicit a response from your partner. This what is referred to as a “bid”. When your partner replies with what you need, this is them turning toward. Turning away from one another, or AGAINST each other is asking for trouble. Turning away disrupts the safe space you both need to express yourselves and needs.

Floor 4 – The Positive Perspective.

Your outlook on life and on your relationship is shaped so much by your perspectives and cognitions. When in a healthy relationship, couples see the best in each other and don’t jump to conclusions filled with judgement and criticism if one partner forgets to pick up their socks or give you a kiss goodbye. Truly believing you both are on the same team strengthens the relationship from inside out.

Floor 5 – Manage Conflict.

Conflict is going to happen! It’s inevitable but knowing what to do when it presents itself is key. You need to accept partner’s influence, communicate about the conflict, and be able to self-soothe.

Floor 6 – Make Life Dreams Come True.

Healthy relationships involve having a partner in life who encourages and helps you reach your goals. Making each other’s life dreams come true shows your partner that you want the best possible life for them and are willing to do what it takes to make that dream happen.

Floor 7 – Create Shared Meaning.

Congratulations, you have reached the top floor. This is where you build and understand an inner world as a COUPLE. The Gottman’s believe that developing your own culture of symbols and rituals is what expresses WHO you are as a TEAM. It continues to deepen your connection together. These are referred to as Rituals of Connection and they define you as a unit. The best part of this is that you create them together.

Weight Bearing Walls – Trust and Commitment. Without trust and commitment, the 7 floors can’t hold together, and it will fall apart.

In a healthy and supportive relationship, the partners are CHOOSING to have faith in one another and to be committed to each other. There is no force, and you are freely loving one another and pledging to help that love grow.

 

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book With Me: https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Resources

1. About The Gottman Method. The Gottman Institute. 2021.

2. What is The Sound Relationship House? The Gottman Institute. 2022.