Counseling and Therapy for Individuals, Teens, Couples, and Families in South Tampa

I understand it takes bravery to seek help from someone new, but rest assured, I aim to quickly bridge that gap. A client recently offered a touching compliment that deeply resonated with me:

"I've been in counseling for years. You stand out as the best counselor I've known. Why? Because I sense your sincerity."

I offer counseling and therapy for individuals, teens, couples, and families. As a South Tampa Counselor, I've assisted countless clients through various approaches, including individual counseling, marriage counseling, relationship counseling, affair recovery and grief therapy… and much more!

Being a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) and Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), I don't use a standard approach; I tailor my methods to suit your distinct needs. My toolkit includes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotion-Focused Therapy, Family Systems, Person-Centered, and Strength-Based approaches, ensuring adaptability for your benefit.

Clients appreciate my hands-on approach at my South Tampa office. As your counselor, I take an active stance in assisting you to reach your objectives, steering clear of merely asking, "How does that make you feel?"

Are you seeking life's purpose or feeling stuck? Let me equip you to harness your thoughts. Together, we can strengthen your confidence and unearth your potential through psychotherapy.

Want to deepen your connection with your partner? Relationships define our joy when they're in harmony. I can steer you toward love, understanding, and healing through marriage counseling and couples therapy.

Whether you're an individual grappling with anxiety, depression, grief, or self-esteem, or a couple seeking intimacy, I'm dedicated to aiding you in building a happier, more fulfilling life.

Book an initial Intake to start making positive changes! 

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Text Dr. Liz on her cell phone 813-240-3237

Understanding Why Some People Subconsciously Choose Partners Resembling Their Parents

Discover the reasons behind subconscious partner choices resembling primary caregivers. Learn how early experiences influence romantic relationships and identify potential red flags.

Introduction:

When it comes to choosing a life partner, most people rely on a checklist of desirable qualities. However, relationships built on shared values and intimacy tend to be more stable and secure. This article explores the intriguing phenomenon of individuals subconsciously selecting partners who resemble their primary caregivers, often resulting from unresolved attachment trauma. Recognizing these patterns can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Key Points:

1. Shared Intimacy and Interdependence in Relationships:

Partnerships rooted in shared intimacy and interdependence foster stability and security, leading to a healthier union.

2. Unresolved Attachment Trauma Influencing Partner Choice:

Unconscious attachment trauma from early life experiences can shape one's selection of a romantic partner, potentially leading to dissatisfaction and communication challenges.

Identifying Red Flags:

Spotting signs that a romantic relationship may be influenced by unresolved core wounds or childhood conditioning is crucial. These include mirroring dynamics learned from primary caregivers, superficial conversations, and a choice of partner echoing past emotional wounds.

Three Common Reasons for Subconsciously Choosing a Parental Resemblance:

1. Fear of Growth and Change:

Some individuals may opt for partners who resist emotional growth, favoring familiarity over personal development. This reluctance to evolve can hinder progress in the relationship.

2. Compulsion to Repeat Patterns:

Choosing a partner resembling an abandoning or neglectful parent may stem from a subconscious desire for closure or rescue. This behavior pattern, while familiar, can lead to self-sabotage.

3. Validation of Learned Scripts and Beliefs:

Selecting a partner with dysfunctional traits similar to those learned in childhood may provide a sense of predictability, even if it perpetuates a cycle of dysfunction. This familiarity can be mistaken for comfort.

Conclusion:

While not everyone consciously "marries their parent," our early experiences profoundly influence our romantic choices. Recognizing these patterns and seeking professional guidance can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. If your formative years were marked by abandonment or neglect, consulting a trained clinician can offer invaluable support in your emotional journey.

Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to find out more about how to disrupt these subconscious patterns:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

Nurturing Love: How Couples Counseling with the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy Can Transform Relationships

Introduction

Love is a beautiful journey, but it's not always smooth sailing. Every couple faces challenges and moments of discord. However, seeking help through couples counseling can be the beacon of hope that leads to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we'll explore how the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be transformative in nurturing love and healing relationships.

Understanding the Gottman Approach

1. Building Strong Foundations: The Gottman Approach emphasizes the importance of creating strong foundations in a relationship. This includes open communication, trust, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires.

2. The Art of Effective Communication: Through the Gottman Method, couples learn how to communicate effectively, ensuring that their voices are heard, and their concerns are addressed. This involves active listening, empathy, and expressing oneself in a constructive manner.

3. Navigating Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. The Gottman Approach equips couples with tools to navigate disagreements in a healthy and productive way. By identifying harmful communication patterns and learning to replace them with positive interactions, couples can break free from negative cycles.

Emotion-Focused Therapy: Healing from the Inside Out

1. Exploring Emotions: Emotion-Focused Therapy delves deep into the emotional landscape of a relationship. It helps couples identify and express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

2. Strengthening Emotional Bonds: By understanding and validating each other's emotions, couples can create a stronger emotional bond. This enables them to support and uplift each other, even in times of difficulty.

3. Healing Past Wounds: EFT provides a platform for couples to address past hurts and wounds. Through guided conversations, couples can work towards forgiveness, letting go of resentment, and finding closure.

The Power of Integration

When the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy come together, their synergy is extraordinary.

1. A Holistic Approach: The Gottman Approach focuses on practical, evidence-backed strategies, while EFT addresses the emotional core of a relationship. Together, they provide a comprehensive toolkit for couples to navigate challenges.

2. Strengthening Communication and Emotional Connection: Through this integrated approach, couples not only learn how to communicate effectively but also deepen their emotional connection. This leads to a more profound understanding of each other's needs and a greater sense of intimacy.

3. Long-Lasting Transformation: The integration of these approaches isn't just about temporary fixes. It's about creating lasting, positive change that enriches the fabric of the relationship.

Conclusion

Couples counseling with the integration of the Gottman Approach and Emotion-Focused Therapy is a powerful journey towards healing and growth. It offers couples the tools to communicate more effectively, understand each other on a deeper level, and ultimately, build a stronger and more resilient partnership. Through this transformative process, couples can nurture their love and create a foundation for a more fulfilling future together.

Harvard Study Reveals Key to Happiness and Health: Meaningful Relationships with Family, Friends, and Community

The Study

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, started in 1938, is the longest study on human life with a mission to uncover the secrets to good health and happiness. The original cohort of 268 student volunteers (including future president John F. Kennedy) has expanded over the years to include their offspring, varying socioeconomic classes, and women. Data collected reveals a surprising truth about us as human beings – our close relationships are what keep us happiest and healthiest throughout our lives.

Every few years, participants of the study have completed questionnaires regarding their health, marriages, careers, success and failures, and much more. They’ve shared their medical records and sat down for in-person interviews. After pouring over data and stories acquired over decades, scientists have discovered that the best predictor of health and happiness in life is having close connections with others. Our relationships are more important to our well-being than money, fame, social class, IQ, and even our genes. In fact, people who have strong, meaningful relationships in their 50s turn out to be the healthiest ones in their 80s. 

The Power of Human Connection

Why is human connection so powerful? Multiple studies reveal the positive impacts of social connections. Strong relationships lead to better mental health, lower rates of anxiety and depression, stronger immune systems, higher self-esteem, greater empathy towards others, improved ability to recover from disease, and can ultimately help us live longer lives. Think about how nice it feels to sit with others and share a piece of ourselves through stories and experiences. We laugh together, which releases endorphins in our body. Endorphins are those “feel good” hormones that give us a sense of well-being and can temporarily relieve pain. And the more we engage in social activities and reap the benefits of their impact, the more people WANT to be with us, thus creating a positive feedback loop of human connectedness.

The Effects of Loneliness

Why is loneliness so detrimental to our health? According to the Harvard study, loneliness is as harmful to us as alcoholism and smoking. In fact, we now know that feeling lonely can negatively impact our immune system, sleep patterns, blood pressure, stress hormones, and mental health. As we age over time, these impacts take a toll on our bodies and minds. And in our later years of life, social connections and support may be even harder to find with limits in mobility and a shrinking social cohort. Nurturing healthy relationships today help buffer the impact of entering our twilight years.

Becoming Connected with Others

How do we incorporate the findings of the Harvard study into our own lives for better health and happiness? How do we make new social connections and nurture the ones we already have? It’s easier than you think. Start with the people who already show up in your life. Set up date night with your partner. Go play with your kids. Reach out to a friend today and get something on the calendar – perhaps a walk along Bayshore Boulevard in the early morning or evening, a stroll through one of the various weekend markets we have in Tampa, a backyard cookout, or just a meaningful conversation on your front porch. It doesn’t need to be an expensive or time-consuming outing – it’s all about the connection.

And don’t forget to seek out opportunities in your community for expanding your social circle. Consider attending church on Sunday, finding a tennis or pickleball clinic, signing up for a cooking class, or mentoring a young person who needs guidance in life. All of these options and more are available to you. With knowledge gained from the Harvard study, we now know the key to a lifetime of happiness and good health – meaningful relationships. Let’s get started.

Author: Lana Phillips

Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

Supporting Your Partner Through Difficult Times

‌

Life is filled with ups and downs, and during challenging moments, having a supportive partner can make all the difference. As a couple, navigating difficult times together can strengthen your bond and foster personal growth. Drawing from the perspective of a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), this blog post will explore effective ways to help your partner during tough moments, promoting a healthy and thriving relationship.

1. Foster Open Communication

Effective compassionate communication forms the foundation of any strong relationship. During difficult times, encourage your partner to express their thoughts and feelings openly. Provide a safe and non-judgmental space where they can freely share their concerns, worries, or frustrations. Actively listen, validate their emotions, and refrain from offering immediate solutions. Sometimes, all they need is a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.

2. Cultivate Empathy and Understanding

Empathy plays a vital role in supporting your partner through challenging times. Put yourself in their shoes, trying to understand their perspective and emotions. Recognize that their experience may differ from yours, and avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Show genuine compassion and validate their experiences, even if you cannot fully relate to their circumstances. Offering empathy allows your partner to feel heard and understood, strengthening the connection between you.

3. Be Present and Available

During difficult times, your partner may need your presence more than ever. Demonstrate your commitment by making time for them, ensuring your availability. Be physically and emotionally present, offering your support and undivided attention. Engage in activities they enjoy or simply spend quality time together. Your consistent presence and active involvement will foster a sense of security and reassurance during their challenging moments.

4. Provide Practical Support

Practical support can alleviate some of the burdens your partner may face. Assess their needs and identify practical ways you can assist them. This could involve helping with household chores, running errands, or taking on additional responsibilities. By sharing the load, you show your partner that you are in this together, reinforcing the idea that you are a team working through adversity.

5. Encourage Self-Care

Encourage and facilitate self-care practices for your partner. During difficult times, individuals may neglect their well-being. Help them prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, therapy, or pursuing hobbies they find fulfilling. Offer to join them in these activities, or support them by giving them space and time for themselves. By nurturing their well-being, you contribute to their overall resilience and ability to cope with challenges.

6. Avoid Judgment and Criticism

In moments of vulnerability, it is crucial to avoid judgment and criticism. Negative or critical remarks can be detrimental to your partner's well-being, exacerbating their difficulties. Instead, practice empathy, understanding, and unconditional positive regard. Create an environment where your partner feels safe expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. Remember, your role is to support and uplift, rather than criticize or belittle.

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed

Recognize when professional help may be beneficial. If your partner's challenges persist or intensify, encourage them to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor. Professional intervention can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and personalized guidance to navigate their difficulties. By encouraging this step, you demonstrate your commitment to their well-being and the health of your relationship.

‌

Supporting your partner during difficult times is a testament to the strength and resilience of your relationship. By fostering open communication, empathy, and understanding, you create a safe space for them to share their struggles. Being present, offering practical support, and encouraging self-care can significantly alleviate their burdens. Remember, each individual's journey is unique, and seeking professional help when necessary is a sign of strength and commitment.

‌

Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment

How to navigate the transition from the 20s to the 30s

This month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to navigate the life stage transition many people undergo during their 30s. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.

20’s are a time of self-discovery and paving your life path, but as many reach their 30’s, that transitions into getting married, having kids, and leaving a legacy.

Mental Health Counseling Professional, Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy joined Gayle Guyardo, the host of the global health and wellness show, Bloom, to share more about transitioning into your 30’s.

Typically at some point in their 30s, individuals move into the middle adulthood stage of their lives. Between ages 18 and up to age 40 in some cases, people work through what famous psychologist Erik Erikson called the intimacy versus isolation stage, which is about finding and forming fulfilling romantic relationships and friendships. This stage can be completed at different times for different people, but the main task associated with intimacy versus isolation is forming close, enduring relationships. 

Erikson called the stage after this generativity versus stagnation, and it’s all about developing a sense of purpose, caring for others, and contributing to the world. In this stage, individuals – having developed strong relationships with others – may focus on their work, raising families, or contributing to their community. While Erikson generally felt this stage should start by age 40, many people begin to shift their focus on these contribution-focused tasks earlier, often in their 30s. 

So, how does one successfully complete the task of learning how to care and contribute to the world in a way that brings them meaning during this phase of life?

1. Developing a sense of purpose: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must find meaning and purpose in their lives beyond their own personal needs and desires. To successfully navigate this transition from intimacy versus isolation, individuals must begin to explore and cultivate their own sense of purpose. This could involve pursuing career goals, volunteering for a cause they care about, or developing a hobby or passion that provides a sense of fulfillment and purpose.

2. Building and maintaining relationships: Intimacy versus isolation is all about developing close relationships with others, and this remains important in generativity versus stagnation. However, the focus shifts from romantic partnerships and friendships to broader social connections, such as their community. To navigate this transition successfully, individuals must continue to invest in their relationships and develop new ones, while also learning to balance their own needs with the needs of others.

3. Leaving a legacy: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must begin to think about the mark they will leave on the world. This could involve having children and raising them well, contributing to their community in meaningful ways, or leaving behind a creative or intellectual legacy. Individuals must begin to think about their impact on the world and take actions that align with their values and goals. This may involve taking risks, trying new things, and stepping outside of their comfort zone in order to make a meaningful contribution to the world around them.

Counseling top tip: Identify your values

One powerful exercise you can do to ensure you are spending their time on meaningful, generative, and purposeful activities during this stage is to identify your values. In order to complete the exercise, find a list of values (there are several values lists online as well as values card decks for purchase). Sort the values into 3 piles: very important to me, kind of important to me, and not important to me. Then, select your top 5 values from the very important to me pile. Map your activities onto these values to determine how closely what you are spending your time on aligns with these values. This enables you to make a better-informed decision about living with intention during the middle adulthood years. Just think: 30 years from now, you’ll be able to look back on this time of your life and know you made the most of it!

Attunement Helps Love and Intimacy Last

A Key Ingredient to Lasting Love and Intimacy

When two people come together in a romantic relationship, there are countless factors that contribute to their success or failure. However, one of the most important elements of a healthy, happy partnership is attunement. Attunement is the ability to be fully present with your partner, to understand and respond to their emotional needs, and to create a deep sense of intimacy and connection.

In this blog post, we'll explore what attunement means, why it's so critical to a couple's relationship, and how you can cultivate it in your own partnership.

What is Attunement?

At its core, attunement is the ability to tune in to your partner's emotions and needs, and respond in a way that demonstrates understanding, empathy, and support. It involves being fully present in the moment, listening actively, and paying close attention to nonverbal cues like body language and tone of voice.

Attunement requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and self-awareness, as well as a willingness to prioritize your partner's needs and feelings over your own. When two partners are attuned to each other, they are able to create a deep sense of connection and intimacy that can weather the challenges of life and strengthen their bond over time.

Why is Attunement Important in a Couple's Relationship?

Attunement is critical to a couple's relationship for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it allows partners to feel seen, heard, and understood by each other. This is essential for building trust, emotional safety, and a sense of security in the relationship.
When partners are attuned to each other, they are better able to navigate the inevitable conflicts and challenges that arise in any long-term partnership. They are able to communicate effectively, manage their emotions in a healthy way, and work together as a team to overcome obstacles.

Attunement also plays a key role in creating a satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection. When partners are attuned to each other's needs and desires, they are better able to communicate about sex and explore each other's bodies in a way that feels safe, respectful, and pleasurable.

How Can You Cultivate Attunement in Your Relationship?

While attunement is a natural and intuitive part of some relationships, it can also be cultivated and strengthened over time. Here are some tips for building attunement in your own partnership:

1. Practice active listening. When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and ask questions to show that you're engaged and interested.

2. Pay attention to nonverbal cues. Sometimes, what your partner isn't saying is just as important as what they are saying. Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues to get a better sense of how they're feeling.

3. Practice empathy. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. Validate their emotions and offer words of support and encouragement.

4. Make time for quality time. Attunement requires presence and connection, so make sure to set aside dedicated time to spend with your partner without distractions or interruptions.

5. Practice self-awareness. In order to attune to your partner, you need to be aware of your own emotions and needs. Take time to check in with yourself and understand how you're feeling before trying to connect with your partner.

Attunement is a key ingredient in any successful and fulfilling relationship. By prioritizing your partner's emotions and needs, practicing active listening, and cultivating empathy and self-awareness, you can build a deep sense of intimacy and connection that will sustain your partnership for years to come.

Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Can Gottman Couples Therapy Help Your Relationship Improve?

If you are facing relationship struggles, Gottman Couples Therapy can provide you and your partner with the support you need to work through your problems. This approach to couple’s therapy is based on over 40 years of research conducted by Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman.

The main goal of Gottman Couples Therapy is to help couples strengthen their relationships by improving communication, enhancing love, and building trust. The therapy process focuses on evidence-based interventions that have been shown to be effective in strengthening relationships.

One of the key elements of this therapy is the concept of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which refers to four negative communication patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These patterns can be some of the most significant predictors of relationship breakdown. During the therapy sessions, the couples learn to recognize and avoid these patterns, which helps them to communicate more effectively.

Another essential component of Gottman Couples Therapy is the “Love Maps” exercise. This exercise involves creating a detailed understanding of each other’s inner worlds, including dreams, hopes, and fears. By building these Love Maps, couples can stay connected and understand each other better.

In addition, Gottman Couples Therapy helps couples to develop conflict management skills. During the therapy sessions, couples learn how to navigate argument and disagreements by expressing their own needs while also listening to their partner's feelings and concerns.

Gottman Couples Therapy also emphasizes the importance of reinforcing positive behavior. Couples are encouraged to express appreciation, admiration, and affection towards one another regularly. This allows the couple to build and maintain a strong foundation of love and positivity.

Overall, Gottman Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach to counseling that can help couples work through various relationship challenges. By focusing on improved communication, increased trust, and building stronger emotional connections, couples can learn ways to enhance their relationship and increase their overall happiness.

Tips to Ease the Transition to Parenthood for Couples:

Brining a baby home is the start of an exciting, yet sometimes overwhelming, new chapter for a couple. It’s a chance for both partners to grow in their relationship as they discover new ways of creating shared meaning and goals for the whole family. These changes can sometimes feel uncomfortable and create conflict within the romantic relationship. Research shows that there is often a dip in relationship satisfaction during the first three years of the transition to parenthood. Babies are messy and they can disrupt the stability and balance that couples create in their romantic relationship. Becoming aware of the common challenges that new parents face will better equip you for the messy journey ahead.

Here are some common challenges that couples’ face when bringing baby home:

Differences in Parenting Styles:

Bringing a baby home means that a new set of rules, expectations, and boundaries are needed to be created to account for this third person coming into the relationship. Couples sometimes disagree on what these rules should look like, which is often when conflict arises. Perhaps your partner wishes to try the “cry-it-out” method, and you have a different vision of how you want to handle the nighttime routine. Learning how to navigate these disagreements and reach a point of compromise is an important skill for new parents to develop. One method that has been proven to help, is implementing an “empathetic dialogue”. This means listening to understand your partner’s point of view, before offering a different approach. Try to see if you can understand why your partner feels and believes in a certain parenting style, and where that belief may stem from. Once you each have a better understanding of each other’s worlds, then you can open the door for a discussion of creating a “compromised” parenting style that feels right for both parents. It's important to note that couples' disagreements on parenting styles is very common and very normal. It highlights the parent’s desire to do what they believe is best for their child, which is a positive thing. Being open to the influence of a partner and your willingness to create shared family rules are two helpful tools in navigating this transition.

Intimacy changes:

Many couples struggle with exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and low sex-drive during this transition period. The demands the new baby brings on the couple can be exhausting, and the romantic relationship may fall on the backburner to make time for new parenting responsibilities. It’s important to create an open conversation about expectations for intimacy. Which includes more than just sex. Intimacy can come in many forms such as hand holding, cuddling, kissing, back scratches, etc. Find out the different ways your partner likes to experience intimacy, and workshop how the two of you can find little moments in your daily life to foster that connection. It’s crucial that you avoid criticism or judgment in the conversations about intimacy. Partners may be coming from very different places with individual struggles and concerns. Be patient with your partner and yourself during this transition. If you are concerned that you or your partner may take sexual rejection personally, it’s important to discuss these concerns openly. Have a conversation about how you can approach when one partner is “not feeling up to it” so that it does not lead to hurt feelings of rejection or misunderstanding on either side.

         The transition to parenthood is a huge shift with inevitable challenges along the way. It is completely normal for couples to struggle with issues surrounding parenting styles, marital expectations, finances, household chores, and more. Although it may feel overwhelming at first, it is possible to create shared family goals, values, and rules that both parents are satisfied with. If you’re struggling with this transition and interested in learning more, book an appointment today for the research based Gottman technique “Bringing Baby Home”.

Written by Jamie Rudden

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

https://southtampacounselor.com/bringing-baby-home

Narcissistic Abuse: Tips for Recognizing and Recovering

When I bring up the word “Abuse” with my clients I notice they are prone to discount their experience because they don’t’ see their situation as being “real abuse.” Abuse is a spectrum, and the word doesn’t do justice to describe the many forms of subtle and overt abusive behaviors and toxic relational dynamics. Narcissistic abuse is a very real form of abuse. The power and control dynamics might not include physical or sexual violence, although they can, but the psychological, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual effects devastate individuals who find themselves trapped in the narcissistic abuse cycle. This post intends to do two things: 

1. Describe the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse to help those suffering recognize they are not “crazy.” This is a definable pattern that many others are experiencing.

2. Provide some practical tools and tips to cope and eventually recover from said abuse.

The narcissistic abuse cycle can be defined as a “pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves” (Hammond, 2015). I want to make it clear that your partner does not have to have an official diagnosis of “narcissist” for your situation to be a valid case of narcissistic abuse. Media and pop culture usually only portray the most extreme examples of narcissism thus exacerbating the problem and preventing victims from getting help. 

The cycle involves three phases that work in tandem with each other. 

The first stage is Idealization. 

This is the stage where your partner makes you feel like the most special person in the world. The term “love bombing” comes to mind. You might feel as if you’ve never been loved or adored for like this before. The pursuer will become vigilant in giving attention to you and will shower their “target” with gifts, compliments, and promises. 

The idealization phase may include: 

• Love-bombing

• A lot of attention given to partner

• Grandiose gestures

• Elaborate gifts and dates

• Discussing marriage

• Lack of boundaries

• Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

• Quickly moving into intimacy

• Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship (Hammond, 2015).

The second phase is devaluation.

During this stage, you might start to notice your partner acting one way with you and one way in public which makes it hard to understand which person they really are. If you express concern, you might be labeled as “jealous” or “needy” or a “nag,” The disillusionment at this stage makes some cling harder to the memory of when things were ideal. You might have an intuitive feeling that something is wrong but because of the hot and cold nature of their affection for a time, it is easier to push that voice down. A huge red flag is that you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to see the real person for who they are, and you notice more incongruency in their behavior. This is where the abuse really starts to hurt and many start to exhibit anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, develop a trauma bond, amongst other symptoms. Visit this resource to learn more. This is where people get trapped because they are so beaten down and confused, it seems easier to just stay for fear of what might happen or what threats might be made.  

The devaluation phase might include:  

• Attempting to change their partner

• Increasing criticism and insults

• Gaslighting

• Physical threats

• Poor communication

• Increased violation of boundaries

• Triangulation

• More isolation or control over their partner

• Withholding physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy (Hammond, 2015).

Finally, the third phase is rejection. 

In this phase, the narcissistic partner rejects their partner and essentially places complete blame of the downfall of the relationship on their partner. In healthy relationships conflicts and disagreements are navigated with patience, grace, and the use of helpful problem solving skills. In narcissistic abuse relationships, there are no compromises. It is if the victimized partner doesn’t even exist, and they begin to lose any power or autonomy. Sometimes the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes, once the phases are complete, the abuser become disinterested and finds another partner to begin another cycle with. 

The rejection phase may include: 

• Feelings of contempt and rage

• Betraying the relationship

• Invalidating their partner’s emotions and placing all the blame on them

• Playing the victim

• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse

• Ending the relationship permanently or temporarily with attempts to continue this cycle of abuse (Hammond, 2015).

Now that I have described, briefly, common signs and symptoms of the narcissistic abuse, I will provide some tips for coping. At the end of the article, I have provided additional resources for you to begin your journey to safety and recovery. 

1. Label the Abuse

Once you recognize the abuse and have educated yourself about it labeling it is a vital step towards healing. Consider communicating what you are learning out loud to a trusted person.  

2. End the relationship if you haven’t already done that.

Get in touch with a trusted person, a professional, or your family to create a safety plan if necessary before you leave. 

3. Set Clear and Specific Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries requires discipline but it is vital to protect you from getting manipulated or tricked again. If you share children with your ex-partner and must make contact, make sure you have clear boundaries and a safety plan.  

4. Seek Support

The resources attached to this blog are a great way to find support during this hard time. Additionally, reaching out to a therapist will help you tell your side of the story, be validated, and learn how to grief. A therapist can support you in creating new patterns of living and implement new coping skills. 

5. Rediscover Yourself

In many cases, the abusive relationship has taken over your mind, emotions, physical health, and schedule. Once you are ready it is important you take the time to rediscover who you are, what you want, what you like, what you enjoy, what you need, and how you want to see yourself. This can seem daunting but there is not rush. Rediscovering ourselves is a life long process and we change throughout life. The key is that you recognize you have been deprived of your voice and allow yourself to rediscover it. 

There is no way I can describe all that narcissistic abuse is and how to recover in this short blog but my hope for you is that you feel validated and affirmed if you or someone you know is suffering or trapped in this cycle. There is hope, people can leave their partner, grief the loss, and heal. If you are unsure if you want to start therapy as a part of your healing, I offer free consultations and it would be a pleasure to hear your story and get to know you!

By Shaundra McGuire, MFTI Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

Additional Resources: 

Stages of Narcissistic Abuse - Narcissist Abuse Support

https://narcissisticabusevictims.org/

You Are Not Alone - Educate Yourself - Find Support - Get Healed - Find Peace Again - Narcissist Abuse Support

What is the Gottman Method for Couples, Relationships, and Families?

What is the Gottman Approach to therapy and counseling? 

I’ll explain~

I absolutely love the Gottman’s therapeutic approach! There is so much that can be said about this method. If you have never heard about this couple’s approach in therapy, then let me give you a little bit of insight. The Gottman Method aims "to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship." Interventions used in the Gottman Method are research-based and grounded in the Sound Relationship House theory, which specifies nine elements of a healthy relationship. Imagine a house with seven floors and two weight bearing walls.

Floor 1 - Build Love Maps.

Love maps are important because the whole relationship begins on the firm foundation of truly knowing one another. Each partner knows the ins and outs of their partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know one another better than anyone else.

Floor 2 – Share Fondness and Admiration.

We all love to hear something nice about ourselves, right? This is a need, and it means the most when it comes from your loved one. Vocalizing your admiration for one another and being able to articulate the big and little reasons you love each other is huge!

Floor 3 – Turn Towards.

When you need attention, support, and comfort from your partner, you more than likely say or do something to elicit a response from your partner. This what is referred to as a “bid”. When your partner replies with what you need, this is them turning toward. Turning away from one another, or AGAINST each other is asking for trouble. Turning away disrupts the safe space you both need to express yourselves and needs.

Floor 4 – The Positive Perspective.

Your outlook on life and on your relationship is shaped so much by your perspectives and cognitions. When in a healthy relationship, couples see the best in each other and don’t jump to conclusions filled with judgement and criticism if one partner forgets to pick up their socks or give you a kiss goodbye. Truly believing you both are on the same team strengthens the relationship from inside out.

Floor 5 – Manage Conflict.

Conflict is going to happen! It’s inevitable but knowing what to do when it presents itself is key. You need to accept partner’s influence, communicate about the conflict, and be able to self-soothe.

Floor 6 – Make Life Dreams Come True.

Healthy relationships involve having a partner in life who encourages and helps you reach your goals. Making each other’s life dreams come true shows your partner that you want the best possible life for them and are willing to do what it takes to make that dream happen.

Floor 7 – Create Shared Meaning.

Congratulations, you have reached the top floor. This is where you build and understand an inner world as a COUPLE. The Gottman’s believe that developing your own culture of symbols and rituals is what expresses WHO you are as a TEAM. It continues to deepen your connection together. These are referred to as Rituals of Connection and they define you as a unit. The best part of this is that you create them together.

Weight Bearing Walls – Trust and Commitment. Without trust and commitment, the 7 floors can’t hold together, and it will fall apart.

In a healthy and supportive relationship, the partners are CHOOSING to have faith in one another and to be committed to each other. There is no force, and you are freely loving one another and pledging to help that love grow.

 

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book With Me: https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Resources

1. About The Gottman Method. The Gottman Institute. 2021.

2. What is The Sound Relationship House? The Gottman Institute. 2022.

Couples Therapy: Like you’ve never experienced before…

In a Nutshell, What Is Couples Counseling?

If you're reading this, your relationship is likely struggling right now. You might even be considering divorce.. Let me start by telling you I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time.

If you're like most couples I see, you've probably come across an online article claiming that all of your relationship's difficulties can be traced to communication breakdowns.. If you could effectively communicate with your partner, you would be able to fix things.… 

And that’s true! I have the tools to teach you how.

That's the problem: it is ineffective advice when you're in the middle of a disaster.. Obviously, if you could communicate better, your relationship would be better. But you can’t, so it’s not. 

But there is hope! I will guide you in session and give you evidence based tools to use between sessions, to apply 4 easy steps to communicate to get to the root of the issues.

Whenever you and your partner try to communicate – Even deciding what to have for dinner can be tough, You may as well forget about trying to have an actually meaningful conversation. – it just turns into another fight, nothing gets resolved, and makes everything even worse.

Then it is just brushed under the rug to linger... until the next argument. Ugh... How exhausting! 

And sure, that might be because your partner is trying to pick a fight (not realizing that all attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met). And more than likely, there was an emotional injury at some point in time that went unaddressed – a crack in your friendship that never healed. Over time, you’ve grown more distant and further apart, until you’re constantly feeling resentful, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and down right angry.

Oftentimes, we know something is wrong but can't seem to put our finger on the problem. If this is where you're at, don't worry.

I am here for you both! I want to help you uncover the root of the problem, rekindle your relationship, and equipped you with the right tools for future success. most likely, the issues are learned behaviors. The beauty of working with learned behaviors is that we can learn how to SHOW UP in our relationships with ourselves and our partner in a much healthier and powerful way.

4 Ways Couples Therapy Is Different with Me:

1. I get to the CORE of the issue.

Too often, couples therapists begin couples work without adequately assessing for each person’s background and the couple’s joint history related to the presenting problems. 

This is where the Gottman Assessment really helps me to conceptualize the problem to formulate a game plan from the get-go!

If you only go to therapy and talk about the problems you're having RIGHT NOW, it's like putting a band aid on a wound when the actual problem is internal bleeding. If you want to work through your problems more effectively, we’ll get to the root cause of the issues you’re experiencing based on each of your needs. 

When we work together, I will begin by asking you to tell me more about:

• your individual narratives

• your family dynamics and how you saw your parents argue (or not)

• your communication styles when fighting

• how your relationship started

• the current state of your relationship and how you got here

• what your ideal relationship looks like (among other questions)

I hear it time and time again from clients about how the assessment procedure was beneficial to them, how it helped everything click for them to finally start seeing a difference in their relationship. 

I also understand that talking about your history might make you feel vulnerable and taking this step requires bravery, but I assure you it's worth it..

2. I equip you with the tools and know-how to achieve long-term relationship success..

Oftentimes, clients come to me and say that couples therapy has failed them in the past because it didn't provide concrete tools for long term success and accountability. While addressing particular issues or complaints can be beneficial, without the necessary communication and listening abilities to interact with one another empathically – and listen compassionately - any discussions we have about your challenges will be ineffective.

So, we start working on specific skills. Such as:

• How to initiate a conversation in a softened way

• How to repair or de-escalate heated conversations

• How to emotionally self-regulate when you feel triggered

• How to come into dialogue in a productive way

• How to compromise based on feelings and needs

Couples are surprised at how quickly they’re able to talk with each other in a calm, compassionate, and respectful manner.

Once you and your partner have worked through some tension and built up resentment in an emotionally safe way, you will be able to understand each other on a much deeper level. Trust builds when we learn how to implement compassionate communication (NVC).

“Well,” you may ask, “Isn't it rather simple? Why haven't we been able to solve this on our own"? "Please understand, this isn't your fault".

When you've been stuck in this vicious cycle and these patterns are ingrained, you may tend to keep creating these predictable bad habits of how you deal with conflict. You start to make assumptions about your partner, your armor goes up and you go into self-protection and defensiveness mode. It becomes less and less easy to give each other the benefit of the doubt that is necessary to sustain a long-term compassionate relationship.

My goal is to help you rediscover that grace, that softness. And ultimately, to help you hit the rest button to INTENTIONALLY create the relationship that you desire and rediscover yourselves too.

3. I help you recognize and understand the role comorbidity (anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, addiction, etc) may play in your relationship. 

Basically, comorbidity means your brain is wired a little differently.

And honestly, the more I learn about comorbidity, the more I see just how common it is. Yet so often, it is either not acknowledged, or is seen as something that is wrong – something to blame. 

Even if you don’t have comorbidity in your relationship, this approach is still highly applicable. The basis of comorbidity couples counseling is to help each partner understand, accept, and embrace their differences while working together as a team to overcome obstacles together without blame. 

Comorbidity or not, in working with me your way of seeing the world will be acknowledged, not criticized. 

For many couples I see, discovering comorbidity may be a freeing discovery. It allows them to reframe their relationship, and everything begins to make sense. 

With my trainings in both the Gottman Method, Compassionate Communication, and Comorbidity Couples Counseling, I’m able to provide an organized framework for you to work within, while still flexibly tailoring my approach to your specific relationship needs. 

4. We don’t have to stop at the 50 minute mark. I offer add-on time to customize sessions to meet your needs

You can choose to do 90- 150 minute sessions (or more), not just 50-minute sessions. 

If you've been to couples counseling before, then you know the drill. You describe the problem, communicate your feelings, make steps in the right direction… but just when you really start to dig into it, and peel back the layers~ time's up. You have so much left to say. And by next week’s session, you’ve lost your train of thought, and there are new and more pressing issues to address. 

By offering longer sessions, I’m able to devote the time needed for you to see real progress each week.

We're able to take on large-ticket items and actually reach a resolution that you may put into practice immediately.

Practice Empathy in Three Ways: Cognitively, Emotionally, and Somatically

You must first take off your own shoes to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.

Listening with empathy is a fundamental component of coming from curiosity and care, as well as the foundation of discussion. Here are three strategies to start practicing incorporating more empathy into your daily life that integrate living purposefully and empathetically.

PRACTICE: Empathy

It's important to remember that practicing this doesn't have to be limited to situations in which you are the center of attention. Its easier to feel for others when you aren't being attacked. Remember that empathy isn't something you put into words; it's a quality of presence in your heart. Aim to comprehend the other person's situation and let the conversation unfold organically.

SILENT EMPATHIC PRESENCE: Practice listening completely, with the heartfelt intention to understand and "feel into" what the other person is saying. How is this issue for them?

PARAPHRASE: After listening, summarize the gist of what you've heard. What are the key features of what they've said? It's also possible that repeating just a few words will be enough.

EMPATHIC REFLECTION: After listening, check that you understand by reflecting what you hear is most important to them. This may include how they feel and/or what they need. What's at the heart of this individual's narrative? What can you do to assist them to feel understood? Remember to phrase your reflections as questions and double-check that you're correct.

There are other methods for conveying compassion. We may convey empathy by giving a kind word, with a loving touch, or by describing how we're feeling in response to what we've heard. By expressing interest with open-ended questions like "Tell me more," "What else?"

As an example, my daughter's friend a freshman who is usually cheerful and bubbly, began showing up early to practice. I struck up a conversation and realized how much she was struggling. This friend was saying, "I don't want to go to this school anymore," and was thinking about dropping out. I noticed the impulse to go into problem-solving mode, an old habit of mine. Having just finished another book on empathy, I paused and decided to try listening instead. "Tell me more. What's going on?"

She began to open up. She was being bullied. She felt sad, alone, and depressed. Every time I noticed the urge to fix or solve, I attended to feeling the weight of my body and my feet on the floor, and resisted the temptation to offer solutions. I focused my attention on what she was feeling and reflected what I was hearing. She began to cry, oscillating between speaking, sobbing, and awkwardly making eye contact as if to check whether all of this was okay. There were a lot of tears, tissues, and long moments in which I simply held her gaze.

She spoke more about her feelings of sadness, loneliness, and not feeling valued. "I've felt like this since first grade," she mentioned. "Was that the first time you felt so sad and alone?" I inquired. No, it started when she was three, when her dad left. They looked at each other, realizing they'd hit the root of her pain. Eventually they explored what she might need at school. They came up with some strategies to address the bullying. She decided to stay in school and to make a public art piece for the classroom about depression.

This is the power of which empathy may help us. With a listening spirit, we can absorb each statement made, each emotion felt. Healing and change are possible if we come from a place of curiosity and care rather than our usual mode of behavior.

PRINCIPLES

People are more likely to be willing to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.

KEY POINTS

The desire to comprehend is frequently expressed through listening, which entails putting away our own ideas, emotions, opinions, and views temporarily.

We can listen in many ways:

• With complete, wholehearted presence

• To the content of what someone says

• To the feelings and needs beneath the content

Staying connected in conversation helps us build understanding and

collaborate:

DON'T LET THE CALL DROP: Seek to establish and maintain connection in conversation.

REFLECT BEFORE YOU RESPOND: Confirm that you're hearing each other accurately before moving on. This "completes a cycle' of communication.

At the heart of listening is empathy, which includes:

• Cognitive empathy: seeing things from another's perspective

• Affective empathy: feeling another's emotions

• Somatic empathy: sensing another's embodied experience

Q & A

Q: What if someone wants advice? Is that ever okay?

Of course. When someone asks for advice, you might try offering empathy

first. I'll often say, I'm happy to share some of my ideas, but first I just want

to take in what you've said. I'll follow that with an empathic reflection of

what I'm hearing and check if I've understood. This can help the other

person process their experience and clarify what matters. I then circle back

to inquire if they still want advice; sometimes it's no longer relevant.

If the tables are turned and you want to give someone advice, check

first. Let them know: "I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you

open to some advice?" This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances

that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice

as a way of soothing your own anxiety.

Q: I've been exploring these empathy tools with close friends and family

and my new approach creates a lot of awkwardness. What do you do

when others expect you to communicate in a certain way?

It can be confusing when our attempts to create more connection backfire.

Part of what you are experiencing is the relational dimension of communication habits. They occur in a dynamic, so when we shift it affects others.

It also may simply be the learning curve; it takes time to find an authentic

voice with these tools.

Let go of the form and focus on your genuine intention to connect.

What would help this person to feel heard? If someone is used to us

showing care by asking questions or agreeing and we respond by reflecting

their needs, that may throw them off. Try to tune in to what they want.

When all else fails, let people know that you're trying something new that

you hope will bring you closer. Ask them to humor you while you learn.

What Makes You Feel Loved In Your Relationship?

Love Languages

Do you know what makes you feel loved in a relationship? Many times, we may think we know what makes us feel loved yet when we ask for things out of our partner, our needs are still not being met. This could be because what you think is your love language, may not actually be what makes you feel loved. Knowing your love language and your partner's love language is important in a relationship. When you both know what makes the other person feel truly loved, then both of you can actively participate in those forms of love for one another. More times than not, the way one person is showing their love towards you is the exact way that they are wanting to be loved by you.

There are 5 main love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Knowing what your partner needs to feel loved by you and taking the initiative to actively provide that for them can strengthen and deepen the connection between the two of you. I like to have my couples that I work with take a short quiz to discover how each language of love ranks for them individually. I ask them to take this quiz separately and to be completely honest with themselves while taking it. Once they both have done this, I ask them to bring their results into our session so we can go over the results.

The reason I like to go over the results with the couples is because each love language can look different to every person. For example, the love language "quality time" can look very different for each partner. So, if one person scores high in this area, then it is a good idea to define what quality time looks like for the person who scored high. This way there is no confusion and a mutual understanding moving forward. If this is something you may be interested in, either individually or as a couple, then I recommend taking this quiz https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language. The results may surprise you!

Author: Crystin Nichols, MFTI

Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI

Defensiveness & Emotional Flooding: Understanding Our Nervous Systems

DEFENSIVENESS

At its core, defensiveness is a way to protect our ego and a fragile self-esteem. Our research team member Ellen Alley explains that our self-esteem is considered fragile when our failures, mistakes, and imperfections decrease our self-worth. In our work, the opposite of a fragile self-esteem is grounded confidence. With grounded confidence, we accept our imperfections and they don’t diminish our self-worth. It makes sense that defensive-ness occurs in areas of our lives where we have fragile self-esteem, or across several areas of our lives if the fragility is more general. Any perceived call-out of our weakness is experienced as an attack on our worth, so we fight hard to defend ourselves against it.

In order to try to limit our exposure to information that differs from how we think of ourselves, we get defensive and overjustify, make excuses, minimize, blame, discredit, discount, refute, and reinterpret. Defensiveness blocks us from hearing feedback and evaluating if we want to make meaningful changes in our thinking or behavior based on input from others.

In our Dare to Lead training, we work with participants to figure out what defensiveness looks like for them, what it feels like, and whether there are some situations that are more likely to trigger it than others. To increase self-awareness, we ask folks to think back to a time when they received difficult feedback and try to remember what their bodies were doing, what thoughts were coming up, and what emotions they were feeling. The vast majority of people struggle to remember the exact thoughts and feelings, which makes sense, given that many of us go into fight-or-flight mode in these situations.

However, for the most part, people can remember their physical responses: Folding their arms over their chest, shoving their hands into their pockets, getting tunnel vision, feeling their heart race, looking down, and getting dry mouth are just a few. It’s worth thinking about the physical cues that show up for you when experiencing defensiveness and devising a strategy that can help pull you back into the present moment.

When I get defensive, I often get tunnel vision and start planning what I’m going to say instead of listening. But I have found some ways to disarm my defensiveness. My strategy is to subtly open my palms, even if my hands are just hanging by my side or on my lap, and actually say, “I’m sorry. Can you say that again? I really want to understand.” It’s pretty effective. If I’m having a really hard time, I might say, “I’m sorry. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to get a glass of water. Can we sit down in ten minutes and start again?”

FLOODING

This seems like the perfect place to talk about the concept of flooding. The body can become overwhelmed when it senses danger, and for a lot of us, a difficult conversation, hard feedback, or an argument is enough to send our body into overdrive. We can feel overwhelmed, attacked, and confused. According to the Gottman Institute, flooding is “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”

In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last, John Gottman explains, “We each have a sort of built-in meter that measures how much negativity accumulates during such interactions. When the level gets too high for you, the needle starts going haywire and flooding begins. Just how readily people become flooded is individual.” He also shares that flooding is affected by how much stress you have going on in your life. The more pressure we’re under, the more likely we are to be easily flooded.

One of the worst patterns that I brought to my marriage from my family was “Get back in here and fight with me!” Growing up, we didn’t take breaks during fights. No one ever said, “This is no longer productive and we should take a time-out before someone gets their feelings hurt.” Our strategy was get louder and meaner until you win or someone else is crying. When I first married Steve, in the middle of a heated argument he would say, “Let’s stop and take a break.” I was like, “What are you talking about?”

At some point, I realized that stopping scared me. Fighting together seemed less painful than hurting alone. Looking back, I just didn’t know how to do it. I had never been taught or seen it modeled. Gottman’s work helped me understand the mechanics behind “Okay, can we circle back in twenty minutes?” or “Okay, how much time do you need?” Knowing that we’re coming back to finish the discussion, and when, reassures me in some way.

This research also helped me realize that it wasn’t just Steve who was getting overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed too. The difference is our strategies. He shuts down; I lash out. Disastrous.

Now when I feel flooded, I’m as likely to say “Time-out” as he is. This is a good thing because, according to Gottman, chronic flooding sets us up to dread communicating. Gottman discusses this effect in the context of marriages and partnerships, but I’ve seen the same thing in organizations. I’ve interviewed many research participants who experience chronic flooding with their bosses, so much so that every time they’re called into the office, they’re already on the path to overwhelm.

There’s only so much our bodies and nervous systems can stand before they flip the survival switch and stop communicating and start protecting or attacking. Looking back, I’ve never once regretted calling a time-out at home or work. Not once. I’ve never experienced a little time and space being a bad thing, but I have plenty of regrets the other way around.

Excerpted from Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. Copyright © 2021 by Brené Brown.