Gottman Approach and Emotionally Focused Therapy Model Perspective on Wedding Planning with Parents

As Featured in BRIDES Magazine:

Why do brides and grooms often enlist their parents’ help while planning their wedding?

Brides and grooms often seek their parents' help in wedding planning because weddings are significant life events that involve family traditions, values, and expectations. Parents have a wealth of experience and often play a crucial role in family dynamics, making their input valuable and sought after by the couple. Additionally, weddings often bring families together, creating opportunities for connection, collaboration, and shared joy.

What is their typical level of involvement in the planning process?

The level of involvement can vary widely among families and couples. Typically, parents may be involved in major decisions such as venue selection, budgeting, and guest list management. Some parents may take a more active role, while others prefer to be consulted for input when needed. This variability of wedding planning involvement may or may not be correlated with financial aspects of the wedding and who or the amount of money that the parents may be contributing. Their involvement often reflects their desire to contribute meaningfully to the celebration and support their children's choices.

What tasks do the parents typically help their kids with? How do they differ on the bride and groom's side?

Parents often assist with tasks like venue selection, financial planning, and coordinating with vendors. On the bride's side, tasks may include dress shopping, floral arrangements, and décor choices. On the groom's side, tasks might involve selecting attire, transportation, and music or entertainment. However, these roles are becoming more flexible and can vary based on the interests and preferences of the individuals involved.

How should the two sets of parents approach the conversation of helping their kids plan their wedding?

Open communication and collaboration can be the key. Using compassionate  communication principles, AKA Nonviolent Communication (NVC) they can focus on expressing feelings, needs, and requests respectfully.Both sets of parents should approach the conversation with empathy, understanding, and respect for each other's perspectives. It's essential to listen actively, express opinions constructively, and be flexible in compromising to accommodate everyone's wishes.

Is it common for both sets of parents to clash during the wedding planning process? Why? What are some challenges that might arise?

Yes, it is common for both sets of parents to clash during wedding planning due to stress, differing opinions, expectations, and values. Some challenges that might arise include disagreements over finances or budgeting, guest list and who to invite, cultural/ religious or family traditions, and the overall vision for how the wedding “should” go.

How can parents deal when their child’s future in-laws are difficult to interact with during the wedding planning process?

The best way to deal with difficult people in general is to try to use empathy and understanding as much as possible. Most of the time all big reactions or “attacks” are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met. Reactions sabotage connection. Intentional calm responses can help repair the disconnect that may be occurring. Dealing with difficult future in-laws requires patience, understanding, and effective communication. Setting boundaries, maintaining open lines of communication, and focusing on common goals can help navigate challenging interactions. It's also essential to prioritize the couple's wishes and needs while respectfully considering the opinions of all parties involved. Boundary setting and compromise based on needs can be very useful tools to deal with these issues more amicably.

Three to Five Tips to Help Parents Navigate Wedding Planning Together:

1. Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication among all parties involved. Create a safe space where everyone feels heard, valued, and respected. Discuss expectations, preferences, and concerns openly to avoid misunderstandings. Listen to your parents' perspectives and concerns with an open mind, without interrupting or becoming defensive. Show empathy and understanding towards their feelings and needs.

2. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to respect everyone's roles and responsibilities. Clearly define who is responsible for what tasks and decisions to avoid conflicts and overlapping efforts. Assign specific tasks or responsibilities to your parents that align with their interests and strengths. This can make them feel valued and involved in the planning process. Collaborate on planning aspects of the wedding that are important to your parents, while maintaining autonomy over decisions that are important to you.

3. Flexibility and Compromise: Be flexible and willing to compromise to accommodate everyone's wishes and preferences. Focus on finding common ground and solutions that satisfy everyone involved. Remember, it's a celebration of love and unity, so prioritize harmony and collaboration. Identify and focus on shared goals and values that are important to both you and your parents. This can help align your priorities and reduce conflicts.

4. Seek Professional Help if Needed: Consider seeking professional help from a wedding planner or counselor if tensions rise or conflicts become unmanageable. A neutral third party can offer valuable insights, mediate disputes, and help keep the planning process on track.

5. Celebrate Together: Remember to celebrate the joyous occasion and focus on the love and unity that the wedding represents. Keep a positive attitude, cherish the special moments, and appreciate the opportunity to come together as a family to celebrate this significant milestone.

By following these tips and approaches, parents can navigate the wedding planning process together more seamlessly, fostering understanding, harmony, and collaboration throughout. Prioritizing self-care and stress management to maintain your well-being during the wedding planning process can be super beneficial. Take breaks when needed, engage in activities you enjoy, and seek support from loved ones.

By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY

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Unpack Your Love Baggage with Imago: A Journey from Conflict to Connection

            As therapists, we often find that a communication breakdown is one of the first hurdles couples face in a crisis. In these moments, partners commonly feel disrespected, unseen, or unheard, creating a chasm that seems too broad to bridge. As therapists, we immediately focus on nurturing practical communication skills to address this gap. What’s remarkable is how couples report the benefits of these new skills often extend beyond the therapy room and the romantic relationship—enhancing interactions at work, in social settings, and even with other loved family members.

            In my journey to better serve couples struggling with intimacy and communication issues, I've explored various therapeutic approaches. Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is one method that resonates deeply with me and has shown profound results in practice. Imago facilitates a deeper connection between partners and fosters a compassionate understanding that transforms their interactions across all areas of life.

What is Imago Relationship Therapy?

            Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph. D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D., offers a transformative approach for couples to enhance their connection and communication. The term "imago," from Latin meaning "image," represents an unconscious blueprint of familiar love formed during early childhood from our interactions with caregivers. This blueprint profoundly influences our romantic relationships later in life.

            Imago Therapy posits that relationship frustrations arise from a deep desire to heal unresolved childhood issues. Everyone carries an "imago," a composite of early caregivers' traits, which shapes our attractions and drives us unconsciously toward partners who resemble these figures in hopes of healing past wounds.

            Imago Relationship Therapy reveals how these early attachments create internal models that influence how we interact with our partners, often replicating childhood dynamics. These conflicts are seen as barriers and opportunities for significant emotional growth. By addressing these foundational experiences and shifting from blame to empathy, Imago Therapy seeks to transform our relationships into sources of strength and resilience.

How Imago Therapy Enhances Communication:

            Central to Imago Therapy is the Imago Dialogue, a structured communication technique that shifts conversations from conflict to connection. This method involves three key steps:

• Mirroring: Consists of listening to your partner and repeating what you hear, without judgment or interpretation, to show that you truly understand their perspective.

• Validating: Acknowledging that your partner’s thoughts and feelings make sense from their viewpoint.

• Empathizing: Attempting to understand and share the feelings of your partner. 

This dialogue framework helps couples move from adversarial interactions to a deeper empathetic connection, fostering safety and vulnerability.

Creating a Safe Conversation Space:

            Imago therapy emphasizes the importance of creating a safe space for conversations. This space allows partners to express their deeper feelings and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or escalation. This safety is key to defusing the reactivity that can characterize troubled relationships, fostering more intentional and hopeful partner interactions.

A Simple Exercise to Try:

            One impactful and simple exercise from Imago Therapy is the Appreciation Dialogue, where partners take turns sharing something they appreciate about the other. This practice reinforces positive interactions using Mirroring and builds a culture of gratitude and recognition within the relationship:

·      One partner begins by saying, "Something I appreciated about you today is..."
·      The other partner listens, mirrors the statement, " I hear you say you appreciate... about me", and responds, "Did I get that right?"
·      The first partner confirms, and the second partner then offers their appreciation.

Benefits of Imago Therapy:

            Couples who engage in Imago therapy can expect improved communication skills and a profound transformation in their relationship dynamics. This therapy helps couples move from blame and isolation to empathy, acceptance, and mutual appreciation, fostering a secure and passionate relationship.

Closing Words:

            Imago Therapy offers couples a unique lens to view their relationship, providing tools for conflict resolution and deep emotional healing and growth. By embracing this therapeutic approach, couples can transform their relationships into a source of strength and fulfillment, ensuring they survive and thrive together.

References: 
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2022). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. Henry Holt & Company.

Book with this author ~Ari Leal, Therapist, CMHCI: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AriLeal

Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling

I specialize in Tampa Couples Counseling and South Tampa Marriage Counseling, offering Relationship Therapy that fosters intimacy and happiness.

As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), Marriage and Family Therapist, Ph.D, and a National Certified Counselor (NCC), I prioritize couples' well-being. At my South Tampa Office, I focus on couples, drawing from my Graduate Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). My approach centers on Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Structural Family Therapy addressing conflict, intimacy, and mutual understanding. I also utilize Compassionate Communication (NVC) to help couples and families use the same language to connect, even through the most difficult conversations.

In relationships, unmet needs often lead to misunderstood conflicts. Love transcends right or wrong; it seeks understanding, appreciation, and empathy. Effective communication holds the key to success.

Effective conflict management and communication are pivotal for a thriving relationship. Ignoring conflict breeds resentment, while poor communication is a precursor to separation or divorce.

Rest assured, your situation, though unique, can be unraveled. Couples often fall into predictable conflict patterns, but with guidance, these can be navigated.

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• Communication breakdowns

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All couples benefit from counseling, even those with normal conflict levels. Strengthening your relationship and coping mechanisms for future challenges are invaluable.

Let's embark on this journey together. Contact (813) 240-3237 to pave the way for happiness with your partner. I'm here to guide you towards a stronger, happier relationship.

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I understand it takes bravery to seek help from someone new, but rest assured, I aim to quickly bridge that gap. A client recently offered a touching compliment that deeply resonated with me:

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Clients appreciate my hands-on approach at my South Tampa office. As your counselor, I take an active stance in assisting you to reach your objectives, steering clear of merely asking, "How does that make you feel?"

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Feeling Honored and Passionate About Helping Couples & Families! ~Liz