THE FOUR HORSEMEN: The Antidotes

All relationships, even the most successful ones, have conflict. It is unavoidable. Fortunately, our research shows that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve,” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding.

And there are problems that you just won’t solve due to natural personality differences between you and your partner, but if you can learn to manage those problems in a healthy way, then your relationship will succeed.

The first step in effectively managing conflict is to identify and counteract The Four Horsemen when they arrive in your conflict discussions. If you don’t, you risk serious problems in the future of your relationship. But, like Newton’s Third Law, for every horseman there is an antidote, and you can learn how and when to use them below.

The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up

A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a soft or gentle start-up. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

To put it simply, think of these two things to formulate your soft start-up: What do I feel? What do I need?

Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”

Antidote: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent. Can we please talk about my day?”

Notice that the antidote starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the discussion from escalating into an argument.

The Antidote to Contempt: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect

Contempt shows up in statements that come from a position of moral superiority. Some examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is destructive and defeating. It is the greatest predictor of divorce, and it must be avoided at all costs.

The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship, and there are a few ways to do that. One of our mottos is Small Things Often: if you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!

Another way that we explain this is our discovery of the 5:1 “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions that a relationship must have to succeed. If you have five or more positive interactions for every one negative interaction, then you’re making regular deposits into your emotional bank account, which keeps your relationship in the green.

Contempt: “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.)

Antidote: “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? I’d appreciate it.”

The antidote here works so well because it expresses understanding right off the bat. This partner shows how they know that the lack of cleanliness isn’t out of laziness or malice, and so they do not make a contemptuous statement about their partner or take any position of moral superiority.

Instead, this antidote is a respectful request, and it ends with a statement of appreciation.

The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility

Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand.

Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict.

Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second.”

Antidote: “I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible.”

By taking responsibility for part of the conflict (trying to leave too early), even while asserting that they don’t like to be late, this partner prevents the conflict from escalating by admitting their role in the conflict. From here, this couple can work towards a compromise.

The Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing

Stonewalling is when someone completely withdraws from a conflict discussion and no longer responds to their partner. It usually happens when you’re feeling flooded or emotionally overwhelmed, so your reaction is to shut down, stop talking, and disengage. And when couples stonewall, they’re under a lot of emotional pressure, which increases heart rates, releases stress hormones into the bloodstream, and can even trigger a fight-or-flight response.

In one of our longitudinal research studies, we interrupted couples after fifteen minutes of an argument and told them we needed to adjust the equipment. We asked them not to talk about their issue, but just to read magazines for half an hour. When they started talking again, their heart rates were significantly lower and their interaction was more positive and productive.

What happened during that half hour? Each partner, without even knowing it, physiologically soothed themselves by reading and avoiding discussion. They calmed down, and once they felt calm, they were able to return to the discussion in a respectful and rational way.

Therefore, the antidote to stonewalling is to practice physiological self-soothing, and the first step of self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion and call a timeout:

“Look, we’ve been through this over and over again. I’m tired of reminding you—”

“Honey, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to take a break. Can you give me twenty minutes and then we can talk?”

If you don’t take a break, you’ll find yourself either stonewalling and bottling up your emotions, or you’ll end up exploding at your partner, or both, and neither will get you anywhere good.

So, when you take a break, it should last at least twenty minutes because it will take that long before your body physiologically calms down. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”). Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music, reading, or exercising. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as it helps you to calm down.

You’ve got the skills. Use them!

Now that you know what the Four Horsemen are and how to counteract them with their proven antidotes, you’ve got the essential tools to manage conflict in a healthy way. As soon as you see criticism or contempt galloping in, remember their antidotes. Be vigilant. The more you can keep the Four Horsemen at bay, the more likely you are to have a stable and happy relationship.

Emotional Flooding

Emotional Flooding happens when one or both partners pulse rises quickly casting emotion to be stronger that reason. When you are neurologically emotionally flooded you say and do things in an extreme fashion that are often damaging to the relationship. Julie Gottman interview explains how you have to take a break at least 20 minutes and not talk about the fight. When both are calm, and it can take more than 20 minutes but that is a minimum, you can try again.

THE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY METER

Keep conversations

EFFECTIVE, HEALING and FEEL CLOSER

COMMON QUESTION: It seems like I have to get extremely mad at my mate to get their attention on things that matter to me. They get mad back at me and we talk, but it is a distant conversation. What keeps us from changing this pattern?

DON: Overwhelm.

Neither you nor your mate can learn anything new when either are overwhelmed. Neither of you are emotionally available for learning and to feel connected.

When the pulse is elevated around 100 or more beats per minute a person's brain and nervous system is what psychology now calls "flooded." 

The Relationship Research of Julie and John Gottman's book Why Marriages Succeed and Fail, calls it "diffuse physiological arousal" meaning that the part of both or your brains that warn of danger, Flight or Flight Response, has been activated and your body is in high self-defense alert. Your attention isn't in a "curious" mode but in either an attack, defensive or freeze (detached) state, meaning no one is really listening to learn anything new.  Neuro-science has confirmed why people who are so bright, capable, and smart in so many situations appear shallow and unable to learn the simplest things in a committed relationship. Why?  They are overwhelmed. They have not allowed themselves to calm down, as long as it take, before they reengage with the other person. In a calm state, reason toward what is actually happening or has happened becomes stronger than the emotion and a dialogue can happen that allows the possibility of new learning to take place.

Nobody learns when overwhelmed except how to be mean (fight), run away faster (flight), or detach and give the angry person whatever words they need to hear so they will stop being so intense (freeze--appease).

Curiosity is in the GREEN on the Emotional Intensity Meter

You succeeded in getting your partner's attention, and you also guaranteed that nothing will change. Along with all of this another thing happens that makes this even harder, details will not be remembered accurately.  And, I am sure you have ended up here because calm talking about the concern went unaddressed in a productive way. We will get to that shortly, but I want to answer your question fully first.

If you use our Emotionally Intensity Meter, you can see what happens to the brain and nervous system and therefore what a person is capable of at various levels of emotional arousal.

When a person is upset, making a very strong point over and over, or is listening and getting madder and madder, when their pulse hits around 90-100 beats per minute, they are flooded with intensity and changing the area of the brain that is function. They are now in a fight, flight or freeze mode and not open to reasoning or learning unless they calm down their pulse and emotionally become calmer.

On The EIM-Emotional Intensity Meter, that would put that person in the "red."  They are not available to speak, listen, learn, nor be reasonable.  And, if the conversation continues, the research shows it will end badly in minutes and sometimes seconds.  It takes at least 20 minutes, but can take hours and for some people a day or two, before they can calmly and therefore more reasonably reengage about the topic that triggered the overwhelm. The longer either or both people keep talking in the "red" the longer it takes for the nervous and brain to calm to "green" on the EIM, which means calm. 

Most people make the error to either keep talking in the red or not wait long enough to get into the green before re-engaging the topic.  And since the topic is usually important in some way, the upset patterns happens over and over again, until the couple stop talking about it and that creates another set of problems that become more and more complicated.

So, your strategy gets their attention, but the part of his brain you really need to talk with that can learn and make reasonable decisions, is not home.

The bottom of the Emotional Intensity Meter is Blue, that is when you are starting to detach from the conversation and the other person and thoughts about wanting the conversation end appear or other types of distancing thoughts. When in the deep blue, you are not available for an engaged closeness conversation. You may feel calm but your partner will most likely experience that as “cold” and “you don’t care about me.” So deep blue or deep red are both signs of overwhelm and the need for a time out from the conversation and away from each other physically until calm returns.The Emotional Intensity Meter can be most helpful in both stopping prolonged arguing as well as a way to gauge when ready to try and have a repair conversation.

Note: It is common to mistake “numb (overwhelm” with calmness. You will know it is calmness when you feel “like yourself” again and you can see the negative impact on your behavior toward the other person and take responsibility for it as you also see to repair and address the issue at hand with the other person.

The GOAL: Keep conversations in the GREEN, and when they aren’t, take immediate TIME OUT, no less than 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. 

How to Take a Break During Conversations at Home When Either Partner is Getting Flooded

a) If one person asks for a break, the other partner needs to agree without either partner trying to get the last word into the conversation;

b) The partners should agree on a time that they will get back together again to resume their conversation. The break should last at least 20 minutes, but no longer than 24 hours;

c) The couple should then part and go to separate places where they can no longer see or hear each other, such as separate rooms in the house or one person outside while the other remains inside, etc.;

d) During the break, each partner should do something self-soothing that takes their minds off the discussion with their partner, such as reading a book, listening to some music, taking a walk, going for a run, etc. It's important that the partners do not think of how they can next respond, as that will only keep them flooded;

e) They should return to talk together at the time they designated earlier. If one is not yet calm, she or she should still return, but then ask for a specified additional amount of time in order to fully calm down;

f) After returning to one another in a calmer state, the couple may resume their conversation.

—-Gottman Research

Take a break during conflict discussions

To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

Instructions:

To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

From the Research on Couples Happiness and Unhappiness by Julie and John Gottman, Ph.D.

First some notes before you do the process, and then the process will follow:

NOTES TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU BEGIN

1. You are processing a PAST event, not the present.

So, talk about how you felt in the PAST event, not how you feel right now.1. 

For example, 

• Do this: In that argument, I felt hurt, sad, and dismissed.

• Don’t do this: I feel angry at you now about that argument.

Reason for this Instruction:  You are processing what happened in the past to feel more complete, so you can let go obsessing over it, learn from it and that will help you both feel closer. If your emotion is so strong now about the event, say in the “yellow” or “read”  you are most likely flooded or soon to be. So, it is best to not do the exercise until you are calm, and you can check your pulse to see. If it is close to or over 100 beats, you need to calm before you do the repair.  You both need to be in the “green” so reasonableness has a chance to stay steady. Being flooded isn’t wrong, it just means you are still hurting and need more time to calm, then do the exercise.

2.  BOTH points of view are right.

It is important to remember, and remind yourself often, that a point of view is not an absolute reality. It is relative. Subjective.  If you are flooded you will not be able to hear a point of view that you see differently without debating or being defensive. If you are in the green, you can be curious and interested in your partner’s inner world and see to understand instead of persuade them to your view.  The goal of closeness happens when each person feels heard and understood in their world. That makes each open to reasonable consideration and influence.

• Do this: I hear that you saw. . . 

• Don’t do this: What you saw isn’t right . . .

Reason for this instruction:  Repair needs to be about dialogue and understanding, not debate and convince.  Curiosity, interest, and compassion for self and other is needed. Otherwise, you will end the conversation feeling further distance from each other and worse than when you began. The goals is repair and to feel better and closer.

3.  Save all persuasiveness to step 6.  

Reason for this instruction: Happy couples in the research waited until both people felt understood and their viewpoint considered before asking for anything.  Step 6 is the Ask.

4.  In step 6, remember you are going to “try” something different next time. 

That means it may work better or it may not. Either is helpful information for your knowledge database in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. So, keep the “trying” as experimental where you are both looking for what works bests and let that grow.

• Do this:  I want to try and start soft when I have a complaint and wait until I am calm to talk.

• Don’t do this: I am going to be soft so that this doesn’t happen again.

5.  Each person gets a turn on each step. 

Start with emotions first. Don’t combine steps.

Reason for this instruction:  The emotions drive the intensity of the conversation and the repair. By starting there it takes pressure off each person and helps focus on learning.

6. If you are flooded, in the red or rising in the yellow. Stop.

When emotion runs high and stays high in the "red," it is necessary to take a break until both people are in the green, or calm. This is the most common reason repair isn't made: too much emotional intensity. It is ok and necessary to stop and return later when one or both partners are flooded.  This does not mean that  you don't feel intensity. This does mean when the intensity rises and starts to stay high or emotional intensity becomes detached, you need to stop and come back later when calm or feeling more able to be emotionally engaged.  Also, when either partner is "tuned out" or "detached," in the "blue," that is also a sign of being overwhelmed and reasonableness is also inhibited.

Reason for instruction: You cannot be yield to reasonableness, when you are flooded with emotions or detached from your emotions. When flooded (red) or detached (blue) you can make matters worse, but you can't make them better until you calm down enough to yield to reason.

7.   The Language of Healing In A Repair Conversation

According to the research of Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. and his process of ifs-Internal Family Systems.

The 8 C’s That Heal by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. 

Calmness - (1.) a high degree of physiological and mental serenity regardless of the circumstance(s) (2.) the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme ways(3.) to be less vulnerable to adopting the common fight-flight-freeze response when threatened. (Calmness experienced in dynamic degrees)

Curiosity - (1.) a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person (2.) to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work(3.) genuinely interested in non-judgmentally understanding something or someone. (Curiosity experienced in dynamic degrees)

Clarity - (1.) the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotion s(2.) the ability to maintain one’s objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest (3.) the absence of preconception and objection (opposing) (4.) the ability to maintain a “beginner’s mind” in which many possibilities exist. (Clarity is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Compassion - (1.) to be open heartedly present and appreciative of others without feeling the urge to fix, change or distance from them (2.) an intuitive understanding that the suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them (3.) to simultaneously have empathy for others and a belief that the other has a Self that once released can relieve his or her own suffering. (Compassion is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Confidence - (1.) to maintain a strong personal knowledge in one’s ability to stay fully or as present as possible in a situation and handle or repair anything that happens with the belief that “no matter what, it’s all okay and will all work out the way that it can” (2.) to have the direct experience of being healed from previous traumas and learned from previous failures to such a degree that their effect does not spill into the present (3.) to understand that mistakes are only lessons to be learned. (Confidence is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Courage - (1.) strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger (2.) the willingness to take action toward a goal that you or others would find overwhelming(3.) the ability to recognize the damage we do to others then take action to make amends (4.) the willingness to reflect and “go inside” toward our own pain and shame, carefully examine it and act on what we see. (Courage is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Creativity - (1.) the use of the imagination to produce original ideas (2.) the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity (3.) the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems. (Curiosity is experienced in dynamic degrees)

Connectedness - (1.) the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, family, team, community, or organization (2.) a connection to a meaningful purpose or a "higher calling" above the circumstances of daily life (3.) to be in a relationship with someone who truly knows and accepts you for who you actually are(4.) to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that judgement or controlling can happen and can addressed openly with options and have less fear of getting hurt because you have grown degrees of confidence that you can repair damage or misunderstandings when they occur. (Connectedness is experienced in dynamic degrees)

••••••••••••••••••

THE INSTRUCTIONS:

Step by Step Guide To Repair A Disagreement, Argument or Fight

I. FEELINGS

Go through the list and say the ones that you felt in the disagreement that needs repair. The more the better to help you express to your partner how you felt. This helps relieve the intensity about the past argument.

1. I felt defensive.

2. I felt listened to.

3. My feelings got hurt.

4. I felt understood.

5. I felt angry.

6. I felt sad.

7. I felt happy.

8. I felt misunderstood

9. I felt criticized.

10. I didn’t take my partner’s complaints personally.

11. I felt disliked by my partner.

12. I felt cared for.

13. I was worried.

14. I felt afraid.

15. I felt safe.

16. I was relaxed.

17. I felt right and my partner wrong.

18. I felt we were both partly right.

19. I felt out of control.

20. I felt in control.

21. I felt righteously indignant.

22. I felt that we were both morally justified in our views.

23. I felt picked on unfairly.

24. I felt appreciated.

25. I felt unappreciated.

26. I felt unattractive.

27. I felt attractive.

28. I felt morally outraged.

29. I felt taken for granted.

30. I didn’t feel taken for granted.

31. I felt like leaving.

32. I felt like staying and talking this through.

33. I was overwhelmed with emotion.

34. I felt calm.

35. I felt powerful.

36. I felt powerless.

37. I felt that I had no influence.

38. I felt I could be persuasive.

39. I felt as if my opinion didn’t even matter.

40. There was a lot of give and take.

41. I had not feelings at all.

42. I have no idea what I was feeling

43. I felt lonely.

44. I felt alienated.

45. Other feelings

II.  Share your subjective reality.

Summarize your own personal point of view, your personal reality about the disagreement. What was your story?

III.  Find something in your partner’s story that you can understand.

Try and see how your partner’s subjective point of view, their reality, make sense,  given your partner’s perspective. Tell your partner about one piece of his or her reality that makes sense to you.

IV. What triggered in you during the disagreement.

What in your history, your childhood, life before this relationship became triggered during the conversation?

V.   Accept some responsibility. 

       Admit your role in the conflict, what you did that made matters worse.

1. I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

2. I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

3. I have I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

4. I have not expressed much appreciation toward my partner lately.

5. I have taken my partner for granted.

6. I have been highly sensitive lately.

7. I have been highly critical lately.

8. I have not shared very much of my inner world.

9. I have not been emotionally available.

10. I have been turning away from partner.

11. I have been getting easily upset.

12. I have been depressed lately.

13. I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.

14. I have not been affectionate.

15. I have not made time for good things between us.

16. I have not been a very good listener.

17. I have not been asking for what I need.

18. I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.

19. I have needed to be alone.

20. I have not wanted to take care of anybody.

21. (Add your own)

Overall, my contribution to this disagreement was __________ . 

VI. Make it better in the future

This is where persuasion is appropriate. Not trying to manipulate, but asking for the favor of trying something different.  By the time you get to this step, you both will clearly see possibilities to try differently next time. Be sure to start with what YOU will try next time. Then have your partner go. Then, what your "ask" is for your partner to try next time, and then, theirs for you. If the "ask" to too far of a stretch  for either of you, adjust it to something you can try that is reasonable. Remember, it may not work out so whatever happens is ok to learn from and try again and again as you learn to care about yourself and each other.

1. One thing you could try next time? (Let each respond before moving to number 2)

2. One thing you would like your partner to try differently next time?

Wanting to Contribute

Your friend comes over to tell you about a recent upsetting incident. By the end of the story, with clenched fists and tears in her eyes, she says, "I just don't know what to do!"

Since she's a friend, you probably want to contribute in some way. Isn't that what friendship is about? She did end with "I just don't know what to do!"

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg says, "It's often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or 'fix-it' advice. Believing we have to 'fix' situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present."

To contribute the best gift you can to your friend, remember the components of NVC. Listen for what she observed. Pay attention to body clues and words that offer feelings. Even if she doesn't specifically say what she needs, see if you can find a need inside her words. But most importantly, listen, listen and listen.

When you follow the cues of the person speaking to emphatically connect to their feelings and needs, you'll be surprised how much more of a meaningful contribution your presence can make.

Mindful Practice for the Week

This week, be aware of the times you want to "fix the problem" or make someone "feel better." Take a deep breath and engage in empathic listening instead. Enjoy your week!

12 RULES FOR CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION

Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns may be destructive, but, sadly, plenty of people fall into the trap of indulging in them. If you and your relationship partners follow these rules and steer clear of the traps of destructive communication, you will almost certainly feel better about each other and your relationship.

1.    Use I-messages instead of You-messages. You-messages sound blaming and accusing. With an I-message, you can convey the same message without sounding blaming. For example:

You-message: “You left the dishes in the sink again.”

I-message: “When you don’t clean up after yourself, I feel taken advantage of.”

2.    Communicate the entire message. According to McKay et al. in their excellent book Couple Skills (see Suggested Reading), complete messages include four components:

Observations: neutral statements of fact

Thoughts: your own opinions and beliefs

Feelings: descriptions of your emotions

Needs: a statement of what you need or want from the other person

Here is an example of a complete message: “The weekend is coming up. I hope we can go to the movies together. I would like to spend some time with you.”

An incomplete message leaves out one or more of these components. It might sound like this: “I hope we can go to the movies this weekend.” There isn’t really anything wrong with this statement, but the first one is more complete and will more likely result in the speaker getting what he or she wants.

3.    Don’t use your feelings as weapons. Just describe what you are feeling as objectively as possible, not aggressively. Be as specific as possible and keep your voice under control. For example:

Objective: “I felt really hurt when you said that I probably wouldn’t pass the bar the first time.”

Aggressive: (yelling) “You are such an idiot! How dare you insult me like that!”

4.    Use specific language. When you have a complaint, be specific. For example, “I’m upset that you left the food out on the table” is clearer than saying, “Thanks for the mess you left me.” The first statement is less likely to produce defensiveness and leaves little room for misunderstanding.

5.    Focus on the problem, not the person. Consider how different these two statements sound:

“You are such a complete slob.”

“I wish you would take your stuff upstairs.”

Attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—is different from simply expressing a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action. Criticism is more blaming and more global. It sounds like this: “You always screw the budget up. Can’t you do anything right?”

Behavior like this is damaging to a relationship because:

•    Criticism is destructive rather than constructive.

•    It involves blame.

•    Criticisms are global and tend to be generalizations (you always, you never, etc.).

•    Criticisms attack the other person personally.

•    It feels overwhelming to be on the receiving end.

6.    Stop bringing up ancient history. It’s more constructive to focus on the issue at hand, not bring up past hurts. When you are upset with your partner and add past issues to the discussion, it can only escalate the conflict. It feels unfair and can never be productive. If you still have feelings about past issues, it is important to resolve them and move on, not use them as weapons every time you have a disagreement with your partner.

7.    Watch out for mixed messages. Keep your statements clean, avoiding the temptation to mix compliments and complaints. For example, let’s say that you meet your friend at a cocktail party. You think she looks nice, but her dress seems a little too provocative.

Straight message: “You look very nice tonight.”

Mixed message: “You look so pretty. I would never have the nerve to wear that.”

8.    Pay attention to your body language. Your words are only part of the message you communicate. If you say “How nice to see you” while frowning, your message becomes unclear. Think about what message you want to convey and be sure that your body is in harmony with it. Watch out for things like these:

•    Rolling your eyes

•    Crossing your legs and arms

•    Tapping your foot

•    Clenching your teeth

9.    Pay attention to your emotions and keep from becoming overwhelmed. If you are calm, you are less likely to say things you’ll later regret, things that could be destructive to your relationship. You will be less likely to become defensive and shut your partner out. Examples of ways to calm yourself and keep from getting carried away with emotion include the following:

•    Pay attention to your physical responses. Is your heart racing? Are you breathing faster? If you are, take a time-out.

•    Leave the room. Go for a drive. Do something relaxing. Listen to music or do relaxation exercises.

•    Make a conscious effort to calm yourself down. Say things to yourself like:

“I’m very upset right now, but it’ll be okay. I still love her.”

“Even though we disagree, we still have a good relationship.”

“We can work this out. We’re partners.”

10.    Resolve negative feelings. If you have bad feelings about your partner, take steps to resolve them. Don’t let them grow into feelings of contempt. When you engage in behavior (verbal or nonverbal) that conveys a lack of respect, you are placing your relationship in serious danger. This includes obvious abuse, and also insults, making faces, and name-calling. Any relationship that is plagued by abusiveness and negativity will have a very difficult time surviving.

11.    Don’t be defensive. It is understandable to react defensively when you are in a conflict situation, but it can be dangerous to a relationship. Defensiveness tends to escalate the conflict and does nothing to resolve it. Some examples of defensive behavior include:

•    Denying responsibility (I did not!)

•    Making excuses (I couldn’t help it; traffic was awful)

•    Ignoring what your partner says and throwing a complaint back (Yeah, well, what about the mess you left yesterday?)

•    Saying Yes, but…

•    Whining

•    Rolling your eyes or making a face

12.    Don’t shut down. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last , author John Gottman describes the dangers of shutting out the other person. He calls this behavior stonewalling and says that it means refusing to communicate, storming out of the room, or any kind of withdrawing. When a person is stonewalling, communication is impossible because he or she is refusing to participate. When it becomes a regular pattern of communication, stonewalling is very damaging to a relationship.

Build People Skills

Build Your People Skills

How would you like to get along even better with others in your personal relationships and in the workplace? Getting along well with people sounds kind of general and is difficult to do much about, so let's break it down into some manageable and specific skills. By building the following skills, you will get along well with others:

    1.    Build others' self-esteem.

    2.    Show empathy for others.

    3.    Encourage people to cooperate with each other.

    4.    Communicate assertively.

    5.    Ask productive questions and demonstrate listening skills.

    6.    Respond productively to emotional statements.

People skills (which are also known as emotional intelligence) can be thought of as six specific skills. Let's take a brief look at each one.

    1.    Build others' self-esteem. When you are in a situation where you are made to feel good about yourself, you feel good. You can do the same with others by doing the following kinds of things:

    a.    Make eye contact with others.

    b.    Call others by their names.

    c.    Ask others their opinions.

    d.    Compliment others' work.

    e.    Tell people how much you appreciate them.

    f.    Write notes of thanks when someone does something worthwhile.

    g.    Make people feel welcome when they come to your home or workplace.

    h.    Pay attention to what is going on in people's lives. Acknowledge milestones and express concern about difficult life situations such as illness, deaths, and accidents.

    i.    Introduce your family members to acquaintances when you meet them in public.

    j.    Encourage your loved ones to explore their talents and interests.

    k.    Share people's excitement when they accomplish something.

    l.    Honor people's needs and wants.

    m.    Take responsibility for your choices and actions, and expect others to do the same.

    n.    Take responsibility for the quality of your communications.

    2.    Show empathy for others. Empathy means recognizing emotions in others. It is the capacity to put yourself in another person's shoes and understand how they view their reality and how they feel about things.

Being aware of our emotions and how they affect our actions is a fundamental ability in today's people-intense workplaces. People who are cut off from their emotions are unable to connect with people. It's like they are emotionally tone-deaf.

No one wants to work with such people because they have no idea how they affect others. You have probably met a few people who fit this description.

    3.    Encourage people to cooperate with each other. Whether you are managing a family or a work group, there are some specific things you can do to create an environment where others work together well:

    a.    Don't play favorites. Treat everyone the same. Otherwise, some people will not trust you.

    b.    Don't talk about people behind their backs.

    c.    Ask for others' ideas. Participation increases commitment.

    d.    Follow up on suggestions, requests, and comments, even if you are unable to carry out a request.

    e.    Check for understanding when you make a statement or announcement. Don't assume everyone is with you.

    f.    Make sure people have clear instructions for tasks to be completed. Ask people to describe what they plan to do.

    g.    Reinforce cooperative behavior. Don't take it for granted.

    4.    Communicate assertively. Assertive communication is a constructive way of expressing feelings and opinions. People are not born assertive; their behavior is a combination of learned skills. Assertive behavior enables you to:

    a.    Act in your own best interests.

    b.    Stand up for yourself without becoming anxious.

    c.    Express your honest feelings.

    d.    Assert your personal rights without denying the rights of others.

Assertive behavior is different from passive or aggressive behavior in that it is:

    a.    Self-expressive

    b.    Honest

    c.    Direct

    d.    Self-enhancing

    e.    Constructive, not destructive

Assertive behavior includes both what you say and how you say it.

    5.    Ask productive questions and demonstrate listening skills. Listening skills help you show that you are hearing and understanding another person and are interested in what he or she has to say.

    6.    Respond productively to emotional statements. A communication skill called active listening is especially useful in emotional situations because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said. It's a check of whether your understanding is correct. This demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned.

Active listening responses have two components:

    a.    Naming the feeling that the other person is conveying

    b.    Stating the reason for the feeling

Here are some examples of active listening statements:

"Sounds like you're upset about what happened at work."

"You're annoyed by my lateness, aren't you?"

"You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem."

"It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe's paperwork."

"Sounds like you're really worried about Wendy."

"I get the feeling you're awfully busy right now."

Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another's point of view.

The ability to get along well with people in your personal relationships and in the workplace is a set of learned skills. No one is born knowing how to build others' self-esteem, show empathy, encourage cooperation, communicate assertively, ask productive questions, or respond productively to emotional statements. These skills can be learned and developed with some practice. By taking the time to develop these skills, you will be able to build better relationships at home and at work.