SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
Five Love Languages (Gary Chapin)
Your primary love language is your Relationship Sweet Spot, meaning if this is the number one way that if your partner expresses love to you, you will feel close to him or her. This raises your sentiment toward each other in a positive direction.
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
a. Encouraging Words
b. Kind Words
c. Speaking to the Positive Intent of Action
Love Language #2: Receiving Gifts
a. Give meaningful things
b. Things that matter to them, even it not to you
c. Things that reflect their values, no necessarily yours
Love Language #3: Acts of Service
a. Actions that you know they would LIKE for you to do for them
b. Actions taken without resentment
c. Actions taken with gratitude
Love Language #4: Quality Time
a. Undividing attention
b. Not just being in same room
c. Regularly and often in various settings
Love Language #5: Physical Touching
a. Regular and often
b. Appropriate to the one being touched
c. Safe touch, not intrusive, leading nowhere but that moment of physical connection and not thinking of future
Rank order these choices for yourself and your partner by putting a number (1-5) beside each one. If you change your mind, don’t erase, but mark out and put the new number beside it. This is for self-discover and conversation. There are not wrong answers. After rating yourself and partner, have them do the same and then take and discover more about your past, your present, and how you would like to live your future.
Me_____________________ You____________________
#1: Words of Affirmation #1: Words of Affirmation
#2: Quality Time #2: Quality Time
#3: Receiving Gifts #3: Receiving Gifts
#4: Acts of Service #4: Acts of Service
#5: Physical Touching #5: Physical Touching
Your primary love language is your Relationship Sweet Spot, meaning if this is the number one way that if your partner expresses love to you, you will feel close to him or her. This raises your sentiment toward each other in a positive direction.
If it isn't, even if the others are done often, you will develop a sense of distance from them, and them from you, which will eventually create an underlying resentment toward them. This lowers your relationship sentiment toward each other.
All the languages are needed in a relationship. However, the primary one(s) most greatly influence the level of positive feelings you have toward each other.
The Five Basic Apologies (Gary Chapman)
Everyone has a PRIMARY Apology language.
If you don't express the apology in THEIR particular language, they will question your sincerity!
The key is to learn what apology means the person, and speak it when you seek to apologize.
Everyone has a PRIMARY Apology language.
If you don't express the apology in THEIR particular language, they will question your sincerity!
The key is to learn what apology means the person, and speak it when you seek to apologize.
Apology Language #1:
Expression of Regret
"I am so sorry" "I feel badly that I have hurt you."
Apology Language #2:
Accepting Responsibility
"I was wrong. I should not have done that." "There is no excuse for what I did."
(no "buts", that shifts the responsibility back on them.)
Apology Language
#3: Making Restitution
"What can I do to make this up to you? What can I do to make this right?" "I value this relationship."
Apology Language #4:
Repenting or Expressing Desire to Change Behavior
"I don't like what I did, I don't want to do that again. Let's talk so I can find a way to not do this again." "A plan for change."
Apology Language #5:
Requesting Forgiveness
"Will you forgive me?" "Please forgive me"
Rank order these choices for yourself and your partner by putting a number (1-5) beside each one. If you change your mind, don’t erase, but mark out and put the new number beside it. This is for self-discover and conversation. There are not wrong answers. After rating yourself and partner, have them do the same and then take and discover more about your past, your present, and how you would like to live your future.
Me_____________________ You____________________
#1: Expression of Regret #1: Expression of Regret
#2: Accepting Responsibility #2: Accepting Responsibility
#3: Making Restitution #3: Making Restitution
#4: Expressing Desire to Change #4: Expressing Desire to Change
#5: Requesting Forgiveness #5: Physical Touching
Your primary apology language is the number one way you feel cared about when you feel hurt by your partner. This increases your willingness to let go and forgive.
If it isn't, even if the others are done often, you will develop a sense of distance from them, and them from you, which will eventually create an underlying resentment toward them. This lowers your relationship sentiment toward each other.
The primary apology language for you and then your spouse, most greatly influences the level of positive sentiment you have toward each other when dealing with the inevitable hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and relationship conflict.
Why We Focus On The Wrong Things
Even when we know better, we act in irrational ways. We worry about problems that will likely never arise, and we care what complete strangers think of us —people we have never met before and will never meet again. We criticize and beat ourselves up over small mistakes, even though we know such condemnation isn’t helpful. The mind is full of quirks and flaws, and much of what we think and do is not logical. When we look at our evolutionary past, however, things start of make sense.
Even when we know better, we act in irrational ways. We worry about problems that will likely never arise, and we care what complete strangers think of us —people we have never met before and will never meet again. We criticize and beat ourselves up over small mistakes, even though we know such condemnation isn’t helpful. The mind is full of quirks and flaws, and much of what we think and do is not logical. When we look at our evolutionary past, however, things start to make sense.
Our ancestors lived in small tribes surrounded by the challenges of the environment — dangerous animals lurked nearby and hostile neighbors competed for resources. When people worked together to manage threats and challenges, they were more likely to produce children and pass on their genes to future generations. But this required sensitivity to signs of danger, something established instinctively as well as through contrition and associative learning.
Identifying signs of danger through association is a primeval strategy for animals, and there’s been plenty of time to perfect it. Using language to avoid threats — I saw a beast at the river, so watch out — is a more recent and uniquely human skill. We’ve had a few hundred years to refine this ability, with might have been enough, but our cognitive abilities keep changing our world at light speed.
We live in a different world than our grandparents did, and that is due to large part to symbolic language and its expansion into verbal problem-solving. That computer in our pocket is only one example. Because of such, our mental skills are now greatly overextending our primitive abilities to detect and respond to danger With this insight, many of our modern emotional difficulties become clear.
Here are ways we struggle emotionally:.
1. IMAGINING DANGER AND PREDICTING THE WORST
We often struggle with negative fearsome thoughts. We are quick to see danger and assume that the worst is yet to come. Negative thinking, it seems makes life harder and more difficult than it is. In our day-to-day lives, we are safer than ever before, but we’ve never felt as threatened— for example by mass shootings and constant insecurity. It is not hard to imagine every stranger we see at night as a violent criminal.
In an evolutionary time frame, however, detecting possible danger was critical to survival for you and your tribe. Suppose you see a fuzzy round shape in the near distance. You can be a positive thinker and assume that it’s just a big rock and go on your way. Or, you can be a negative thinker and assume the worst: It’s a bear waiting to eat you.
If you make a mistake as a negative thinker, it’s no big deal. You get scared, change your route, and that’s about it. If, however, you make a mistake as a positive thinker, and the rock turns out to be a bear, you become lunch. Negative thinking is the better strategy, which is why you and I descend from a long line of negative thinkers and sentinels of danger.
The problem now is that the vast majority of our “dangers” are cognitively created. We worry about almost everything. If we cannot rein in the negative fear based thinking, our natural tendency to detect and avoid danger can overwhelm our ability to live life.
2. RUMINATING ABOUT THE PAST
We often chew over hurtful memories. We remember when we said something embarrassing or when we felt most vulnerable or hurt. And even though the incident happened long ago, we still feel the sting of it as if it occurred yesterday. The mind makes us relive the pain again and again, whether we like it or not.
For our ancestors, rehearsing past dangers likely helped them avoid future peril. Suppose they encountered a dangerous animal and barely got away. It would be useful to replay the experience in their had and review their brush with death in detail — what they did wrong, or what they could have done differently . It might better prepare them for the next face-to-face meeting with a wild animal. To some degree, rumination likely increased our ancestors chance of survival.
As mental problem-solvers, we ruminate over more and more things: slights, fears about health and abilities, or the possible sources of our struggles.
3. WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK
We often worry about our reputations. We worry about status and what other people might say about us. Because of this worry, we set up rules for what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. We invent rules for what we are “supposed” to wear, what we are “supposed” to think and feel.
But in prehistoric times, worrying about reputation was good for survival. Humans are extremely vulnerable on they own, and if our ancestors want to survive, they needed to ensure their position within the group. By recognizing their impact on others, their ability to cooperate — and to survive — increased. Social sensitivity was a benefit.
4. FEELING NOT GOOD ENOUGH
We frequently compare ourselves, and our achievements, to others. And when we fall short of our expectations, which inevitably happens, we are quick to beat ourselves up. We see our shortcomings as failures of character and conclude that we are simply not good enough, leaving us feeling hurt and vulnerable.
Four our ancestors what matters most was not whether people felt good about themselves, or whether they outperformed everyone else. What truly mattered was whether they could work together to survive. Some degree of self-comparison was likely.
Today, self-comparison and self-criticism can reach outlandish lengthens. For one thing, we no longer compare ourselves exclusively to our clan members but to Photoshopped images, the rich and famous, and even fictional characters with fantastic life stories. It’s no wonder that feelings of insecurity have been on the rise.
5. ALWAYS NEEDING MORE
We never seem satisfied with what we have. We are always chasing the next big thing, hoping it will give us the fulfillment and happiness we have yearned for. Unfortunately, the moment we achieve a goal, our newfound happiness quickly tarnishes. The newly acquired car becomes just a car, and we turn our eyes to the next item. The need for more is a recipe for greed and suffering.
In prehistoric times, however, acquiring more things was absolutely essential. In an unpredictable environment, more food more weapons, and more of any resource could be vital for survival.
WHAT CAN AND CAN’T CHANGE
Our brains and behavioral predisposition were not developed for the challenges of the 21st century with its steady media diet of frightening events and social comparisons. Why do we do the things we do? The mind is trying to solve an ancient problem of safety and belonging, using mental cognitions that were not designed for the modern world.
We have evolved to think this way. We will not stop thinking about what might go wrong in the near or distant future. Nor will we be able to consistently resist the urge to ruminate, worry about people’s opinion of us, compare ourselves to others, and yearn for more.
We can learn to change the relationship we have with ourselves. We can learn to worry and think painful thought without getting caught up in them. Instead of being scared by our inner mental life and letting it dominate our actions, we can recognize it for what it is and refocus on what actually matters. This will take time, patience and practice.
When you find yourself obsessing over unpleasant thoughts and feelings, take a deep breath and ask how a struggle like this could have helped your distant ancestors. It might bring a greater sense of self-comparison (kindness and mercy). More often than not, you may find that your problem-solving mind is just trying to keep you safe. Gently turn inward and use self compassion!
Step-by-Step Infidelity Recovery Resources From Researched Based Approaches
Vulnerability requires a lot of courage. A therapist can help you healthily express your feelings better, and get you in the habit of exposing vulnerable emotions. Being vulnerable with each other requires each partner expressing their deeper thoughts, feelings, and desires. This step really began to build up a lot of trust between my partner and me. Fully opening up to my partner about my insecurities, fears, and aspirations helped us feel more connected.
What to Do After an Affair (part 1)
So, you are telling me… that you cheated on me?”
My partner’s words came trembling out of her mouth in utter disbelief at what I had just announced.
I shamefully nodded my head and agreed. I had just woefully informed my partner I cheated on her. She would never have found out, but I wanted to own up to my mistake. I sadly reassured my partner that my actions were wrong and I was deeply apologetic.
After a long, unsettling silence, we both agreed we still wanted to work things out and be together. We started to brainstorm and research ways to recover from infidelity since our trust had been broken.
After a few days, my partner suggested a book we could both read to help us navigate through the cheating. She proposed the book “What Makes Love Last?”by Dr. John Gottman, an American psychological researcher who did extensive work on divorce prediction, marital stability, and recovery from infidelity.
We each purchased the book and began our tedious journey to recover from the breach of trust.
Moving past an affair
Betrayal is an awful experience.
Trust is such a vital piece of romantic relationships and an act of disloyalty can heavily tarnish that belief of reliability, ability, or strength.
Take it from me. Recovering from cheating (infidelity) is an onerous task that entails a lot of stress, anxiety, and emotional strain. It is extremely taxing but it could be worth it for the right relationship.
My partner and I implemented the tips from the book to heal from my mistake and after a great deal of time, our trust in each other started to rebuild. I truly do believe a relationship could be saved after an act of infidelity.
We want to pass along our experience using Gottman’s approach for recovering from infidelity to help other couples going through something similar.
Our first steps in recovering from my cheating were to understand why it happened, whether we could save the relationship, and if future infidelity could be avoided.
But let’s begin by looking at what exactly caused me to cheat.
The making of a cheater
Gottman states that people often say cheating comes out of nowhere, but usually the person who cheats heads down a slow, undetected pathway before the physical cheating actually occurs.
We learned that often, cheating is due to deficiencies in the relationship that leads one partner to feel lonely and devalued. Gottman insists that a partner feeling this way is typically caused by couples dismissing or turning away from each other’s emotions over time.
Some examples of turning away could be when my partner was distracted by her phone or laptop while I was giving an emotional bid—an attempt for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.
She would completely ignore what I would say, disregard my response or interrupt me while I gave the bid for personal connection.
When my partner constantly turned away from building a connection, I developed a really toxic behavior—negative comparisons.
A negative comparison is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a harmful comparison of one’s partner to someone else. For example, when I was bickering with or feeling scorned by my partner, I would find myself comparing these interactions (negatively) to the positive attention I received from the people I met, friends, or just about anyone else in my life.
“Wow, look at her smiling at me and laughing at my jokes. I bet if I was with her, I wouldn’t be so stressed out all the time from the trivial arguments I have with my partner.”
Because I frequently engaged in a series of negative comparisons like the one above, I began to tell myself the story that I would be happier with someone else.
Gottman declares that when a person spirals down this route, they begin to focus on their partner’s negative traits and downplay their positive traits. The more times a person is caught up in negative thoughts about the relationship, the more often negative comparisons are triggered—and the door for potential cheating opens wider.
After a constant stream of negative comparisons in my head, a reversal in the way of how I understood or interpreted my partner in the relationship’s timeline commenced. My partner’s traits such as “extremely loving” or “affectionate” began to sour into “controlling” and “really needy.” I subsequently began to rationalize to myself why I was not at fault and my partner was responsible for how bad or alone I felt.
Resentment built up, I was primed to be disloyal. Then, I crossed the line.
Is the relationship worth saving?
After the act of unfaithfulness, how did we decide if the relationship should be mended and rescued?
After all, not all relationships should be saved following an affair. The act of cheating is an alarming sign that one or both partners may not be ready to be in a committed relationship.
In order to find if the relationship should be saved, both of us had to be honest with ourselves and answer some questions to help decide if we should continue the relationship after the affair.
Gottman provides questionnaires in his book to help readers discover the likelihood of the relationship surviving following an affair.
My partner and I sat down and meticulously answered each of the questions from the appropriate questionnaire in the book.
Here are some questions provided by Stephen Vertucci, an expert divorce attorney, that we also considered in assessing if the relationship could be saved.
Are you interested in making amends? Or are you willing to leave your partner?
Will you be able to let go of their anger and resentment towards your partner and move forward?
Can you imagine being happy with your partner despite what they did?
Upon completion of all these questions, we reviewed our answers and determined if we should end the relationship or proceed forward. Our results showed we had a high chance for our romantic relationship to be restored and we decided to move ahead with the steps to recover.
This step was a vital step to take to assess if our relationship had a shot of recovering from my deceitful act.
If I had mixed feelings about continuing the relationship, it would probably have been best to end the relationship. Maybe my betrayed partner could have said she was not able to forgive me, the disloyal person, and we would simply decide to walk away from the relationship.
Regardless, we knew it was better to decide if the relationship can be salvaged first before we began the arduous journey to rebuild the relationship. We could have both realized that it was best to go our separate ways.
Since we decided that the relationship is worth saving, we sought out the help of a skilled professional to guide us through these complex issues. My partner and I used a relationship counselor and it was extremely beneficial. Having a mediator to discuss the problem at hand, without going off-topic and attacking or interrupting each other, was critical to our recovery.
A relationship counselor has the skills and training to listen and offer practical insights to improve the situation. Having a licensed professional was different from just discussing the issues with our friends. Our friends could listen and provide emotional support but could be biased or may even get sick of constantly supporting us.
After we decided the relationship was worth saving, we began to evaluate the likelihood of cheating in the future.
Would I cheat again?
How did we know if I would engage in infidelity again in the future?
Well, Gottman provides two proven questionnaires to assist us in determining if there is a higher risk for future betrayals. His method helped us determine if there was a greater risk for unfaithfulness between my partner and me.
Some warning signs for cheating again may include if a partner:
Does not view cheating as wrong, immoral, or unethical
Has a casual, dismissive perspective on the cheating
Does not take responsibility for what happened
Has a long history of lies and deception
Cannot communicate openly and is very secretive
Refuses or cannot empathize with the pain and distrust caused by cheating
Of course, there are no guarantees that I would cheat again, however, we could evaluate some signs that indicate that it may not be best to continue the relationship because I showed a higher risk for cheating in the future. Since I showed that I was less likely to cheat again based on the results of the questionnaires, we decided to move forward in our journey to recovery.
The journey to restoring trust
After my partner and I worked through and determined the relationship was worth saving and that we had a low enough risk of cheating in the future, we focused on rebuilding the broken trust in the relationship.
Again, trust is such an integral part of a relationship. Without trust, two people cannot be at ease with each other and the relationship will undoubtedly lack stability. My partner and I knew that since trust was such a big part of a relationship, it was going to be a rugged journey ahead.
We put our doubts aside and implemented the blueprint laid out in the Gottman Trust Revival method from the book.
Reviving Trust After an Affair (part 2)
Never in a million years would I have thought I’d cheat on my romantic partner.
I always scorned people who cheat for their lack of self-control and their selfishness. I would harp about the importance of loyalty in relationships and preach good virtues—and then I went and cheated.
I was puzzled. Confused at how I could do an act that I vehemently and firmly stood against…
What’s wrong with me? Do I really just lack self-control? Or was I just a steaming pile of turds?
After I cheated, I shamefully owned up to it with my romantic partner. We decided that we wanted to continue the relationship and were recommended the book, What Makes Love Last? By John Gottman, an American psychological researcher who specializes in divorce prediction and marital stability, to help us recover from the act of infidelity.
We took the initial steps laid out in the book to decide if we should part ways following the affair. We analyzed if our relationship was worth saving and examined if I had a higher probability of not cheating again. Upon completion of that process, we decided to move forward with the steps to rebuild trust.
My partner and I employed Gottman’s Trust Revival Method from the book as a blueprint to move forward from the adultery.
Gottman’s Trust Revival Method
The Gottman’s Trust Revival Method is a three-phase process that is derived from his experience as a counselor helping couples recover from infidelity. His approach has been tested and produces a fairly high success rate among couples to heal after an affair. There is no specific time frame for completing the process.
The three phases in Gottman’s Trust Revival Method are: Atone, Attune and Attach.
Phase 1: Atone
After informing my partner of the cheating, my partner expelled all of her internalized anger, sadness and disappointment towards me. For many months, in fact. She was especially relentless with her criticisms and reminders of my past mistakes.
In this phase for recovery, according to the Gottman Method, it is the cheater’s responsibility to take fault as well as make amends and reparation for their actions.
The betrayer must accept full responsibility and patiently deal with the repercussions of their mistake while being non-defensive. Making amends cannot happen if the cheater is blaming the other person for their cheating, making excuses, or retaliating for why they cheated.
They must take all the blame.
Period.
The partner who was betrayed will have trust issues and will be triggered often. They will bring up cheating often. In this phase, they betrayed partner will sometimes get really caught up in their hurt and anger.
Honestly, this was the hardest phase to get through for us. It was an extremely stressful period. The everyday reminders of my cheating and the verbal lashes I received from my partner made it seem as if it would never get better. Threats of getting a divorcebecame routine. The cheating would come up in every argument or disagreement we had. My partner leveraged the cheating to win or get ahead in any argument or altercation. Even when she requested for things unrelated to the affair.
It was her “ace in the hole” to take advantage of any situation. Putting my head down and handling the strain derived from my actions was very exhausting. There were so many times where I felt like I wanted to pull my hair out and just give up. This step was definitely a test of our relationship’s resilience.
This rough patch got better after we applied the Gottman Trust Revival Method.
Before implementing Gottman’s approach of Atone, I would rationalize why I cheated whenever my partner lashed out at me. Her attacks often led me to make my own cutting retorts. I naturally felt the need to defend myself whenever the rampant angry outbursts came my way.
However, after I began to use Gottman’s method, I handled my partner’s release of strong emotions in a much calmer way. Whenever these raging outbreaks happened, I would simply take full responsibility for what I did and apologize for hurting her. It was difficult for me to do this at times because her anger sometimes felt overwhelming. After I accepted full responsibility for my actions, however, her verbal attacks gradually came up less frequently.
Although the cheater should take all the blame, Gottman insists that the person who was betrayed has a pivotal role as well.
They must be open to forgiving their partner.
If the cheater is putting in the effort to make up for their wrongdoing, the wounded partner must be able to be willing to forgive and cooperate if they want to move past the deceitful deed.
Get it all out on the table
In order for the wounded partner to accept and move past what happened, they must get all the answers to why it happened in the first place.
The cheater must be transparent about why it happened with that particular person, and give the details of where and how it happened. This can be an extremely uncomfortable conversation. Providing full disclosure will lead to a lot of agonies but it is necessary so the hurt partner can forgive their significant other.
My partner sought out all the details regarding my cheating so she could feel more at ease with the events that occurred.
Again, it is really useful to have a therapist lead these conversations. The partner who was cheated on can easily get overwhelmed and verbally attack their partner if there is no mediator guiding the conversations.
Having an actual talk about working together to better the relationship is much more pleasant and productive when you are not at each other’s throats.
It is vital that both partners understand why the cheating happened—and a therapist can help expedite the process.
The proof is in the pudding for fidelity
You can tell your partner again and again that you would not have an affair any more until your lungs give out!
But unless you show it through your actions, the wounded partner will remain distrustful.
So, how do you show your partner that you would not cheat on them again?
Gottman asserts that you can rebuild trust by providing the hurt partner with transparent reassurance of where you are or what you are doing at all times. This includes giving them access to your “personal life” i.e. credit card records, phone messages, daily calendars, etc.
It may seem over the top or might feel like an invasion of privacy. It did to me.
At first, I was very against it and I felt like I still had a right to my privacy. Initially, I refused to share my messages or my phone’s location. But eventually, I conceded and it has since paid dividends.
During this phase, I made a strong effort to keep my word. This meant that if I told my partner where I was or what time I was going to meet her, I was going to be there at the correct time and not somewhere else.
One of the hardest parts for me during this phase was being on a short leash. I absolutely despised it. I loathed having to regularly tell my partner where I was at all times of the day. If I missed or forgot to notify my partner of my whereabouts at any time during the day, I would be harshly criticized.
I felt imprisoned.
As discouraged as I was during this time, I knew I was responsible for the situation and I begrudgingly accepted my lack of freedom. My partner had my phone’s location, so she had an idea of where I was at all times and she would often ask to see my direct messages on my social media accounts. It gave her peace of mind that I was not going to cheat again.
The wounded partner really must feel a sense of security that the affair would not happen again and receive constant proof of their partner being faithful.
The partner who cheated must sacrifice some of their privacy and activities such as late-night partying or bar stops for a while until after the trust is rebuilt.
Again, the hurt partner must be open to forgiveness and be patient with their partner, be willing to cooperate. What the cheater did was wrong, but they are doing their best to change their behavior.
Phase 2: Attune
In this phase of the revival method, after couples can possibly reach some forgiveness, the focus turns to building a new relationship.
Both partners must understand that there were some needs not getting met and problems with the old relationship. Now, the couples must turn the attention to fixing that and coming up with a new strategy for getting each other’s needs met.
Couples can develop a more sound approach through attunement.
Attunement, as defined by Dr. John Gottman, is the desire and the ability to understand and respect your partner’s inner world. Gottman asserts that sharing vulnerabilities stops either partner from feeling lonely or invisible.
There are a number of tactics and approaches laid out by Gottman in What Makes Love Last? to help couples better navigate through conflict and sharing emotions to build trust between partners.
One of the methods is to set a designated time every day for you both to ask each other how your day was. This is an effective method for building trust, checking in with each other, and reconnecting.
Here’s how my partner and I used this approach. We would make it a point to share and have more discussions about each other’s feelings. We made attempts to eliminate “you” statements i.e. “you are so selfish” and replace them with “I feel” statements such as “I feel angry and disappointed when you get up and leave during an argument.”
We would also check-in and ask open-ended questions on how we were each feeling when one of us seemed upset or bothered. Open-ended questions were essential because they unlocked the way for us to share our thoughts and feelings instead of giving us the option to shut down the conversation before it even has a chance to begin. For example, instead of saying, “are you angry with me?” we asked, “You look a little upset—what’s up?”
It is pretty easy to fall down the slippery slope of attacking each other or being passive-aggressive in discussions following cheating. These tactics helped us create a more pleasant and effective atmosphere for debate.
Sharing emotions and being more cognizant of each other’s feelings made us feel more connected. I have to add, being vulnerable with each other is a key aspect in this phase.
What I struggled with in this phase was learning how to open up and share my emotions. Our culture in the States has taught men to hide and not express our feelings. Traditional masculinity told me I was weak if I did. I just wasn’t used to talking about my emotions and it made me feel uncomfortable.
Also, I often came from a place of logic and problem-solving. I habitually tried to resolve issues in lieu of sharing how I felt. I used to get so annoyed whenever my partner vented to me. After quite some time, I learned that she was just expressing to me how she felt and was not looking for a solution.
After using this approach, we’re able to understand and convey our feelings better. I’ve slowly improved my ability to explain my emotions. It has helped us to better communicate and rebuild the confidence in our relationship.
Vulnerability requires a lot of courage. A therapist can help you healthily express your feelings better, and get you in the habit of exposing vulnerable emotions. Being vulnerable with each other requires each partner expressing their deeper thoughts, feelings, and desires. This step really began to build up a lot of trust between my partner and me. Fully opening up to my partner about my insecurities, fears, and aspirations helped us feel more connected.
Attunement builds intimacy and will ultimately boost trust in the relationship.
Phase 3: Attach
The final stage for trust revival deals with sex.
An essential subject to talk about after a physical affair.
This topic may feel especially burdensome to talk about because the betrayed partner may naturally feel anger, resentment, and fear when they talk about physical intimacy.
My partner personally had a very hard time engaging in physical intimacy because she felt I was tainted. She could not have sex with me without the image of my past mistake popping up in her head.
Sexual intimacy that is pleasurable to both partners is a necessary component for the relationship to start again.
In order to move past this trauma, Gottman advises a steady diet of intimate conversations talking about sex. In the attunement phase, you discuss very personal and intimate topics. Now, in the final phase, you sprinkle in discussions about sex to discover your partner’s feelings, attitudes, and preferences in bed.
Having enjoyable, intimate sex requires good communication. Partners are not going to have much satisfying sex if they have a hard time talking about their desires. Practice asking your partner what they like in bed.
Some examples of questions to ask each other are:
What areas do you like to be kissed?
What makes sex more romantic for you?
What’s your favorite part of my body?
Where do you like to be touched the most?
Would you be interested in using sex toys?
Do you believe you are a good kisser?
Give me the details on how you want me to initiate sex?
What is your favorite position?
What is a fantasy in bed that turns you on?
What do you like to see me wear or not wear?
How often do you masturbate?
What instantly turns you on?
Gottman lays out a large variety of questions on a number of sex topics along with questions laid out in What Makes Love Last? that you can easily reference.
We tried mixing sexual topics into our day-to-day conversations. Both of us would inquire about each other’s sexual preferences by asking intimate questions. Again, what was difficult about this phase was that my partner struggled with being engaged during sex. The thought of me cheating clouded her head. She shuddered at the idea of me having sex with another person.
Gottman’s approach was helpful because these conversations slowly mended and deepened our emotional connection. We would have fun, lighthearted talks about our sexual preferences and how we could meet each other’s needs.
After a healthy daily dose of communication with my partner about sexual preferences, pleasures, and desires, we were able to enjoy sex again. These conversations of our sexual needs gave us the spark we needed to reignite the passion in the bedroom without being hindered by my past mistakes.
Learning to communicate about sex is an important skill to make progress towards couples overcoming betrayal.
Here’s to restoring relationships after an affair
Our society perceives cheating as a simple lack of discipline or moral ethics in the face of sexual temptation…
In actuality, research shows that the majority of affairs are not caused by lust. If a relationship is strong and each partner is getting their needs met, there is no temptation for lust outside of their partner.
If your relationship is not getting your needs met, better communicating and working together with your partner is a much safer route to take than cheating to try to fix things.
It does take a lot of effort to overcome infidelity, but if you and your partner are up for it, I wish you both the best on your journey!
Gottman Trust Revival Method: Atone Attune Attach
"Not Just Friends" Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Not Just Friends: Is Your Relationship Too Friendly Quiz?
Compassionate Communication Do’s and Don’ts from Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass
The Stages of Actual Change: There's A Hole In My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson
The Stages of Actual Change: There's A Hole In My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson
(Autobiography in Five Chapters, from There's A Hole In My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson)
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost . . . I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it’s a habit . . . but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
5 Life-Altering Lessons From Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability
The final and perhaps most important lesson of all is that you must dare to be yourself– at whatever the cost.
The forces of fear, insecurity, and doubt will never go away no matter how hard you try to avoid, hide from, or attempt to bury them. Instead, face them with courage and confidence in your authentic self and know that you’ve been given the gifts necessary to overcome whatever is in front of you.
Dare to be yourself in all your glory– your strengths, skills, and beauty as well as your flaws and insecurities. In doing so, you can realize true strength of spirit.
Brown has published an audiobook titled after that first TED talk which “draws from all three of my books-it’s the culmination of everything I’ve learned over the past 12 years.”
Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.
– Brené Brown
Whether you’re new to Brown’s work and incredible research or you’re looking for a quick, digestible summary of the most important lessons, look no further.
Here are five life-altering lessons from Brené Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability.
1. Don’t bottle up your emotions, become self-aware
Most of us were taught to hide our emotions or run away from them. However, this causes nothing but continuous pain and stress. The consequences are far-reaching and the longer we keep those emotions bottled up, the worse the situation gets.
Instead, Brown says we need to become more self-aware and explore our emotions, asking questions to get in touch with how we’re feeling and thinking in a given moment.
Find a method for coxing these feelings out which works best for you such as writing, meditation, or talking to a friend.
2. Vulnerability takes courage
Most modern cultures err on the side of suppressed feelings in an effort to display strength. However, as Brown demonstrates in her pivotal research, vulnerability is anything but weakness. In fact, it takes true strength and courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
The cool part about it, though, is the gifts we unlock by being willing to be vulnerable far outweigh the difficulty in doing so. By having the courage to be vulnerable and open up to ourselves and the world around us we come directly in touch with our most authentic self. And, in doing so, can live a much more fulfilling and happier life.
3. Show up, face fear, and move forward
In everything that we do, fear and criticism will always be there to greet us. Fear is the great restrictive force, as it stops most people from ever stepping more than one foot outside their comfort zone towards realizing their true desires.
Because fear and criticism will always be there in some form, the best course of action is always to show up anyway and move forward. No matter what you’re doing, show up every day to do what you were meant to do and don’t let these hindrances stop you.
The more you stand up to these negative forces, the more you’ll flex your courage and resilience and come out stronger for it.
4. Seek excellence, not perfection
Brown says perfectionism is, “the belief that if we live perfectly, look perfectly and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.”
Perfectionism isn’t about growth, improvement, or personal achievement, it’s about fear and avoidance. Therefore, what you should really be focused on is realizing excellence, the best version of yourself despite your flaws. This perspective is healthy and inclusive and leads to real personal growth as opposed to a flawed perfectionism.
5. Dare to be yourself
The final and perhaps most important lesson of all is that you must dare to be yourself– at whatever the cost.
The forces of fear, insecurity, and doubt will never go away no matter how hard you try to avoid, hide from, or attempt to bury them. Instead, face them with courage and confidence in your authentic self and know that you’ve been given the gifts necessary to overcome whatever is in front of you.
Dare to be yourself in all your glory– your strengths, skills, and beauty as well as your flaws and insecurities. In doing so, you can realize true strength of spirit.
Cognitive Dissonance, Mental Biases and Health Choices
The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feelings of discomfort that result when your beliefs run counter to your behaviors and/or new information that is presented to you.1 People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so when what you hold true is challenged or what you do doesn't jibe with what you think, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance (lack of agreement). A classic example of this is "explaining something away."
Cognitive Dissonance
Why human beings twists what is happening around their beliefs, instead of allowing what is happening to inform their beliefs
When Behavior and Beliefs Disagree
By Kendra Cherry Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD on July 18, 2019
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cognitive-dissonance-2795012
The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feelings of discomfort that result when your beliefs run counter to your behaviors and/or new information that is presented to you.1 People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so when what you hold true is challenged or what you do doesn't jibe with what you think, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance (lack of agreement). A classic example of this is "explaining something away."
Definition
Psychologist Leon Festinger first proposed a theory of cognitive dissonance centered on how people try to reach internal consistency.2 He suggested that people have an inner need to ensure that their beliefs and behaviors are consistent. Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs lead to disharmony, which people strive to avoid.
In his 1957 book, A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger explained, "Cognitive dissonance can be seen as an antecedent condition which leads to activity oriented toward dissonance reduction just as hunger leads toward activity oriented toward hunger reduction. It is a very different motivation from what psychologists are used to dealing with but, as we shall see, nonetheless powerful."2
Influential Factors
The degree of dissonance people experience can depend on a few different factors, including how highly they value a particular belief and the degree to which their beliefs are inconsistent.
The overall strength of the dissonance can also be influenced by several factors:
Cognitions that are more personal, such as beliefs about the self, tend to result in greater dissonance.
The importance of the cognitions; things that involve beliefs that are highly valued typically result in stronger dissonance.
The ratio between dissonant (clashing) thoughts and consonant (harmonious) thoughts
The greater the strength of the dissonance, the more pressure there is to relieve the feelings of discomfort.2
Cognitive dissonance can often have a powerful influence on our behaviors and actions.
Examples
Cognitive dissonance can occur in many areas of life, but it is particularly evident in situations where an individual's behavior conflicts with beliefs that are integral to his or her self-identity. A common example of cognitive dissonance occurs in the purchasing decisions we make on a regular basis.2 Consider a situation in which a man who places a value on being environmentally responsible just purchased a new car that he later discovers does not get great gas mileage.
It is important for the man to take care of the environment.
He is driving a car that is not environmentally friendly.
In order to reduce this dissonance between belief and behavior, he can sell the car and purchase another one that gets better gas mileage, or he can reduce his emphasis on environmental responsibility. In the case of the second option, his dissonance could be further minimized by engaging in actions that reduce the impact of driving a gas-guzzling vehicle, such as utilizing public transportation more frequently or riding his bike to work.
Most people want to hold the belief that they make good choices. When a purchase turns out badly, it conflicts with their previously-existing belief about their decision-making abilities.
In A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger offers an example of how an individual might deal with dissonance related to a health behavior by discussing individuals who continue to smoke, even though they know it is bad for their health.
According to Festinger, a person might decide that they value smoking more than health, deeming the behavior "worth it" in terms of risks versus rewards.2
Another way to deal with this dissonance is to minimize the potential drawbacks. The smoker might convince himself that the negative health effects have been overstated. He might also assuage his health concerns by telling himself that he cannot avoid every possible risk out there.2
Festinger suggested that the smoker might try to convince himself that if he does stop smoking then he will gain weight, which also presents health risks. By using such explanations, the smoker is able to reduce the dissonance and continue the behavior.
Common Reactions
When there are conflicts between cognitions (thoughts, beliefs, opinions), people will take steps to reduce the dissonance and feelings of discomfort. They can go about doing this a few different ways:
• Focus on more supportive beliefs that outweigh the dissonant belief or behavior. People who learn that greenhouse emissions result in global warming might experience feelings of dissonance if they drive a gas-guzzling vehicle. In order to reduce this dissonance, they might seek out new information that disputes the connection between greenhouse gasses and global warming. This new information might serve to reduce the discomfort and dissonance that the person experiences.
Reduce the importance of the conflicting belief. A man who cares about his health might be disturbed to learn that sitting for long periods of time during the day is linked to a shortened lifespan. Since he has to work all day in an office and spends a great deal of time sitting, it is difficult to change his behavior in order to reduce his feelings of dissonance. In order to deal with the feelings of discomfort, he might instead find some way to justify his behavior by believing that his other healthy behaviors—like eating sensibly and occasionally exercising—make up for his largely sedentary lifestyle.
Change the conflicting belief so that it is consistent with other beliefs or behaviors. Changing the conflicting cognition is one of the most effective ways of dealing with dissonance, but it is also one of the most difficult, particularly in the case of deeply held values and beliefs, such as religious or political leanings.2
A Word From Verywell
Cognitive dissonance plays a role in many value judgments, decisions, and evaluations. Becoming aware of how conflicting beliefs impact the decision-making process is a great way to improve your ability to make faster and more accurate choices.3 Mismatches between your beliefs and your actions can lead to feelings of discomfort (and, sometimes, coping choices that have negative impacts), but such feelings can also sometimes lead to change and growth.
For example, if you believe that exercise is important for your health but you rarely make time for physical activity, you may experience cognitive dissonance. This resulting discomfort may lead you to seek relief by increasing the amount of exercise you get each week. In this instance, altering your behavior to increase consistency with your belief and reduce the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing can play a positive role in your life and health.
The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feelings of discomfort that result when your beliefs run counter to your behaviors and/or new information that is presented to you.1 People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so when what you hold true is challenged or what you do doesn't jibe with what you think, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance (lack of agreement). A classic example of this is "explaining something away."
Definition
Psychologist Leon Festinger first proposed a theory of cognitive dissonance centered on how people try to reach internal consistency.2 He suggested that people have an inner need to ensure that their beliefs and behaviors are consistent. Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs lead to disharmony, which people strive to avoid.
In his 1957 book, A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger explained, "Cognitive dissonance can be seen as an antecedent condition which leads to activity oriented toward dissonance reduction just as hunger leads toward activity oriented toward hunger reduction. It is a very different motivation from what psychologists are used to dealing with but, as we shall see, nonetheless powerful."2
Influential Factors
The degree of dissonance people experience can depend on a few different factors, including how highly they value a particular belief and the degree to which their beliefs are inconsistent.
The overall strength of the dissonance can also be influenced by several factors:
Cognitions that are more personal, such as beliefs about the self, tend to result in greater dissonance.
The importance of the cognitions; things that involve beliefs that are highly valued typically result in stronger dissonance.
The ratio between dissonant (clashing) thoughts and consonant (harmonious) thoughts
The greater the strength of the dissonance, the more pressure there is to relieve the feelings of discomfort.2
Cognitive dissonance can often have a powerful influence on our behaviors and actions.
Examples
Cognitive dissonance can occur in many areas of life, but it is particularly evident in situations where an individual's behavior conflicts with beliefs that are integral to his or her self-identity. A common example of cognitive dissonance occurs in the purchasing decisions we make on a regular basis.2 Consider a situation in which a man who places a value on being environmentally responsible just purchased a new car that he later discovers does not get great gas mileage.
It is important for the man to take care of the environment.
He is driving a car that is not environmentally friendly.
In order to reduce this dissonance between belief and behavior, he can sell the car and purchase another one that gets better gas mileage, or he can reduce his emphasis on environmental responsibility. In the case of the second option, his dissonance could be further minimized by engaging in actions that reduce the impact of driving a gas-guzzling vehicle, such as utilizing public transportation more frequently or riding his bike to work.
Most people want to hold the belief that they make good choices. When a purchase turns out badly, it conflicts with their previously-existing belief about their decision-making abilities.
In A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger offers an example of how an individual might deal with dissonance related to a health behavior by discussing individuals who continue to smoke, even though they know it is bad for their health.
According to Festinger, a person might decide that they value smoking more than health, deeming the behavior "worth it" in terms of risks versus rewards.2
Another way to deal with this dissonance is to minimize the potential drawbacks. The smoker might convince himself that the negative health effects have been overstated. He might also assuage his health concerns by telling himself that he cannot avoid every possible risk out there.2
Festinger suggested that the smoker might try to convince himself that if he does stop smoking then he will gain weight, which also presents health risks. By using such explanations, the smoker is able to reduce the dissonance and continue the behavior.
Common Reactions
When there are conflicts between cognitions (thoughts, beliefs, opinions), people will take steps to reduce the dissonance and feelings of discomfort. They can go about doing this a few different ways:
Focus on more supportive beliefs that outweigh the dissonant belief or behavior. People who learn that greenhouse emissions result in global warming might experience feelings of dissonance if they drive a gas-guzzling vehicle. In order to reduce this dissonance, they might seek out new information that disputes the connection between greenhouse gasses and global warming. This new information might serve to reduce the discomfort and dissonance that the person experiences.
Reduce the importance of the conflicting belief. A man who cares about his health might be disturbed to learn that sitting for long periods of time during the day is linked to a shortened lifespan. Since he has to work all day in an office and spends a great deal of time sitting, it is difficult to change his behavior in order to reduce his feelings of dissonance. In order to deal with the feelings of discomfort, he might instead find some way to justify his behavior by believing that his other healthy behaviors—like eating sensibly and occasionally exercising—make up for his largely sedentary lifestyle.
Change the conflicting belief so that it is consistent with other beliefs or behaviors. Changing the conflicting cognition is one of the most effective ways of dealing with dissonance, but it is also one of the most difficult, particularly in the case of deeply held values and beliefs, such as religious or political leanings.2
A Word From Verywell
Cognitive dissonance plays a role in many value judgments, decisions, and evaluations. Becoming aware of how conflicting beliefs impact the decision-making process is a great way to improve your ability to make faster and more accurate choices.3 Mismatches between your beliefs and your actions can lead to feelings of discomfort (and, sometimes, coping choices that have negative impacts), but such feelings can also sometimes lead to change and growth.
For example, if you believe that exercise is important for your health but you rarely make time for physical activity, you may experience cognitive dissonance. This resulting discomfort may lead you to seek relief by increasing the amount of exercise you get each week. In this instance, altering your behavior to increase consistency with your belief and reduce the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing can play a positive role in your life and health.
Only Listening to Health Advice That Confirms Existing Beliefs
By Kendra Cherry Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD Updated on May 28, 2017
https://www.verywellmind.com/mental-biases-that-influence-health-choices-4071981
Mental Biases and Health Choices
We all make mistakes with our health and our relationships. Sometimes these errors can be relatively minor, but oftentimes the everyday choices we make can have long-term negative impacts on our physical and mental well being.
Bad decisions can happen to anyone, but in many cases these mental mistakes are caused by sneaky and surprisingly subtle cognitive biases. Let's take a closer look at how some of these mental biases can influences the health choices you make each and every day, from small decisions about what to eat for lunch to bigger choices that may have a long-term impact on both your physical and psychological health and well-being.
1 Confirmation Bias
People have a natural tendency to seek out information that affirms what they already believe to be true, a phenomenon known as the confirmation bias. It's the reason why we often give greater credence to news stories that support the things we believe while at the same time discounting stories that are contrary to our views of the world.
So how does this confirmation bias influence your health? Sometimes we tend to focus on news stories or research reports that affirm our current health or lifestyle choices, yet dismiss possibly useful and relevant stories because they conflict with our behavior or health decisions. For example, if you exercise a few times a week but otherwise spend most of your time sitting at a desk, you might be more inclined to ignore health reports warning that too much sitting might be hurting your health.
So what can you do to combat this bias and make more objective decisions when it comes to your health? Simply being aware of this tendency is a great place to start. The next time you find yourself dismissing information because it does not immediately confirm your beliefs or support your behaviors, spend a little time analyzing why you are so quick to reject it.
Challenging your preconceptions can be a great way to expand your mind and explore new ways of thinking, and even accepting this contrary information does not necessarily mean that you have to restructure your life to accommodate it. Instead, look for small changes that you might make in your daily routine that might ultimately lead to better health.
In our earlier example, you certainly don't need to rush out and buy a standing desk or treadmill desk simply because you read a news article saying that sitting is bad. Instead, try to be conscious of how much you sit in a day and look for small changes you can make that might help get you up and moving more throughout your day.
2 Optimism Bias
Being Overly Optimistic About Your Health
People are also prone to being more optimistic about their own chances of success and good health, a phenomenon often referred to as the optimism bias or illusion of invulnerability. If you ask people to estimate how likely it is that they will ever experience something such as an accident, serious illness, divorce, or job loss, they will likely underestimate the true probability that such events will impact their lives.
Conversely, people are also more likely to believe that their lives will be filled with positive events such as earning high incomes, owning their own homes, and living long lives.
So what roll can the optimism bias play in the decisions you make each day about your health?
Because we tend to overestimate the chances of good things happening to us and underestimate the chances of bad things affecting our lives, we are also more likely to believe that engaging in unhealthy or risky behaviors will not have a negative effect on our health.
This can be particularly true if we believe that the negative outcomes are rare or unlikely. If you believe that skin cancer is a relatively rare disease, you might continue tanning and neglecting sunscreen use because you simply think that it is highly uncommon for anyone to be affected by the ailment. You not only underestimate the overall prevalence of skin cancer, but the optimism bias also leads you to underestimate the likelihood that skin cancer would ever affect you, regardless of your health choices and behaviors.
This certainly does not mean that being optimistic is a bad thing. Having a positive outlook and believing that our actions can make a difference is often what inspires us to pursue our goals and engage in healthy activities in the first place.
Unfortunately, researchers have found that overcoming the optimism bias can actually be quite difficult. In one study that attempted to reduce the bias using methods such as listing risk factors and listing reasons why they might be at risk, all methods used to decrease the bias ended up serving to increase it.
One strategy that might work involves comparing yourself to individuals who are very close or similar to you. For example, if you have close friends and family members who have been affected by skin cancer, you might be more realistic in your assessments of your own risks.
3 Probability Neglect
Worrying About Less Likely Risks and Ignoring More Likely Dangers
When people are making decisions, particularly those in the face of uncertainty, they have a tendency to disregard the probability of each possibility. For example, most people don't find themselves filled with dread and terror every time they start their car but many people do experience significant amounts of anxiety when flying on a plane. This is despite the fact that dying in a car accident is far more likely than dying in an airplane crash.
Social psychologist Cass Sunstein labeled this tendency probability neglect, a cognitive bias that often causes people to dramatically overinflate small risks or simply ignore them altogether. This bias can affect a number of everyday decisions, including those that impact your health and well-being.
One example that researchers have investigated is how this bias can impact people's decisions to wear seat belts when riding in a car. Some individuals might fear that wearing a seat belt might pose a greater risk in the case of an accident where a vehicle becomes submerged in water or engulfed in flames, suggested that the restraining device might actually lead to an individual becoming trapped an unable to escape.
This scenario represents a very low probability event, yet the probability neglect bias might lead some people to overinflate the chances it may occur or ignore the probably of much more likely accident scenarios. Such overestimations can lead to poor health choices—in this instance, failing to wear a seatbelt even though it is statistically more likely protect the individual's life in the event of a collision.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that millions of American adults fail to use seat belts for every trip, despite the fact that seat belt use is the most effect way to reduce injuries and fatalities during vehicular accidents.
So what can you do to minimize the possibility that the probability neglect bias might lead to poor decision-making when it comes to your health? The research is not clear, but giving yourself time to weigh the options, taking a serious look at the probabilities associated with each scenario, and following health guidelines provided by medical professionals can help guide you to better choices.
4 Status Quo Bias
Sticking With the Status Quo and Refusing to Accept Change
If you are like many people, you might find yourself looking over your health insurance options every year to determine which plan is best for you and your family. Do you stick with your current plan or go with a new one? One sneaky little cognitive bias that can play a role in determining which option you choose is known as the status quo bias. People tend to prefer that things stay the same as they are now, even if making certain changes might potentially lead to big benefits. In other words, people are more prone to stick with what they know rather than take a risk on the unknown.
One study found that while younger workers more willing to switch to a health plan that featured lower premiums and deductibles, older workers were less likely to switch and preferred to stick with their old "tried and true" plans.
The status quo bias is one reason why those who are closer to retirement age might be less willing to take a risk on a potentially better, but also potentially riskier, health plan. The possible losses that might result from switching tend to loom larger in people's minds, making them place a greater emphasis on loss-avoidance rather than on maximizing benefits. This becomes particularly true as people approach retirement age and feel that they have more at stake and less time to make up for any potential mistakes.
The status quo bias might negatively impact health in situations such as those where people stick with a plan that offers poorer coverage out of fear of changing their current situation. In other cases, however, the status quo bias can actually offer some health protective benefits. By minimizing risks, people are less likely to experience losses that might negatively influence their health and well-being.
Final Thoughts
The decisions you make each and every day can have both minor and major impacts on your overall health and well-being. Some choices will be good, some choices okay, and some can be downright disastrous. Being aware of some of the often subtle mental biases that play a role in the decisions you make might help you make better decisions when it comes to your health.
Ways to Rebuild Trust after an Affair
Since the affair has put the foundation of the relationship into question for the hurt partner – much like a rug being pulled out from underneath them – it is up to the unfaithful partner to demonstrate that they are worthy of trust.
Low and High Cost Repair Behaviors
The most basic benefit of being in a relationship is the confidence you derive from having a teammate you can rely on to help with the vicissitudes of life. Below is a chart of life:
Life chart
If we have a companion, confidant, and lover along the way, these unexpected dips and turns are easier to manage because you are not going alone. You know and trust that they will have your back through the inevitable pitfalls of life. When you have this trust, a sense of security is created.
Affairs usually occur because one or both partners have gotten squirmy and have started to bail on being teammates in one form or another.
Since the affair has put the foundation of the relationship into question for the hurt partner – much like a rug being pulled out from underneath them – it is up to the unfaithful partner to demonstrate that they are worthy of trust.
Dr. Janis Spring, author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, states that to get to the rebuilding trust phase of a relationship, the hurt partner must first normalization his or her intense feelings and then make a decision to recommit with the unfaithful partner. After this occurs, ways to rebuild trust fall into two categories of behavior.
The first is what she calls low-cost behaviors, and the second is high-cost behaviors.
Below are examples of some low-cost behaviors for the unfaithful partner to begin to rebuild trust.
Remember, it’s your job to continue to demonstrate that you are worthy of trust.
Leave little up to assumption. For example, give your partner the complete itinerary when you travel.
Let your partner know if you run into the affair person.
Check in throughout the day remind your partner you are thinking about them.
Remind your partner that you love them, and why you picked him or her.
Tell your partner that you find them attractive.
Tell your partner how much you appreciate them.
Leave little up to assumption in regards to your feelings and emotions. Fill your partner in on your emotional landscape, especially if you are not used to doing this.
Ask what you need from your partner to make the relationship more satisfactory. Do this in a way that does not blame your partner, or justifies your behavior.
Have patience — you can’t regain trust overnight.
Below are examples of low-cost behaviors for you, the hurt partner.
Remember it is important to positively acknowledge your partner’s efforts to restore your trust.
Let your partner know specifically what low-cost behaviors you need from them to restore your trust; leave little up to assumption.
Let your partner know that you appreciate their above efforts – specificity helps.
Tell them that you are feeling more optimistic about your future together.
Be open to feedback.
Demonstrate that you are trying to address his or her dissatisfaction at home.
If your partner is trying to be more emotionally open, be patient, and appreciate such efforts especially if your partner is new to it.
I highly recommend this book.
These low-cost behaviors are the building blocks for rebuilding trust. They are essential for sharing responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship. Dr. Springs states that low-cost behaviors are not enough.
High-cost behaviors are the bedrock of the trust-building phase that squarely falls on the shoulders of the unfaithful person.
She writes:
“It’s not enough for you to say, ‘Trust me, honey – I’m here to stay.’ You have to back your claim with dramatic gestures that are ‘expensive’ – in other words, that require real sacrifice and will probably make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.”
Examples of high-cost behaviors are:
Allowing your partner to have your passwords, and bank account information if requested.
Having a joint bank account, or dividing assets in half.
Transferring jobs – away from the affair person.
Moving to a different city.
Going to drug and alcohol treatment, staying sober, or going to 12-step meetings.
Going to individual therapy in order to gain more insight into why the affair occurred.
Going to couple therapy to process the affair, as well as learn ways to prevent future infidelity by transforming the relationship.
Cutting ties with old friends or social groups.
Going on a romantic vacation.
The silver lining to such high-cost behaviors for you, the unfaithful person, is that they will make you a better person.
They will force you to be someone who is worthy of trust, someone who has examined his or her self and who now has nothing to hide. You will be a better example for your kids if you have them. Although difficult at first, you may find such integrity and transparency altogether more satisfying.
The good news is, if an affair has occurred and you both wish to remain in the relationship, you can take concrete steps to become teammates again.
You can’t schedule the restoration of trust and most likely it will never return to how it was, but eventually it can be better. With work, strongly committed couples can rebuild the trust and security that is the foundation for a happy relationship.
Internal Family Systems: 8 C's of Self Energy/Awareness List
8 C's of Self Energy/Awareness List: Internal Family Systems
8 C's of Self Energy/Awareness List
1. Calmness -
a physiological and mental serenity regardless of the circumstances 2. the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme ways 3. to be less vulnerable to adopting the common fight-flight-freeze response when threatened
2. Curiosity -
a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person 2. to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work 3. genuinely interested in non-judgmentally understanding something or someone
3. Clarity -
the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotions 2. the ability to maintain one’s objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest 3. the absence of preconception and objection 4. the ability to maintain a “beginner’s mind” in which many possibilities exist
4. Compassion -
to be open heartedly present and appreciative of others without feeling the urge to fix, change or distance from them 2. an intuitive understanding that the suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them 3. to simultaneously have empathy for others and a belief that the other has a Self that once released can relieve his or her own suffering
5. Confidence -
to maintain a strong belief in one’s ability to stay fully present in a situation and handle or repair anything that happens with the belief that “no matter what, it’s all okay and will all work out the way it can” 2. to have healed from previous traumas and learned from previous failures to such a degree that their effect does not spill into the present 3. to understand that mistakes are only lessons to be learned
6. Courage -
strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger 2. the willingness to be take action toward a goal that others would find overwhelming 3. the ability to recognize the damage we do to others then take action to make amends 4. the willingness to reflect and “go inside” toward our own pain and shame, carefully examine it and act on what we see
7. Creativity -
the use of the imagination to produce original ideas 2. the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity 3. the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems
8. Connectedness -
the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, team, community, or organization 2. a connection to a meaningful purpose or a higher calling above the circumstances of daily life 3. to be in a relationship with someone who truly knows and accepts you for who you really are 4. to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that you won’t be judged or controlled and are not afraid of getting hurt because you have confidence that you can repair any damage or misunderstandings that may occur
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when a person is actually emotionally overwhelmed and instead of expressing the overwhelm actively with outward intensity, the person detaches and appears to be cold to their partner and uninterested in what they are saying. Stonewalling is actually for form of flooding and a signal that that person needs to take a time out of at least 20 minutes or more, until they feel safe and can actually engage with the other person.
Stonewalling is when a person is actually emotionally overwhelmed and instead of expressing the overwhelm actively with outward intensity, the person detaches and appears to be cold to their partner and uninterested in what they are saying. Stonewalling is actually for form of flooding and a signal that that person needs to take a time out of at least 20 minutes or more, until they feel safe and can actually engage with the other person.
Video excerpt of Making Marriage Work seminar with John Gottman explaining what Stonewalling is and what to do about it. This is a great resource for marriage therapy to help resolve relationship conflict and communicate effectively.
How to Take a Break During Conversations at Home When Either Partner is Getting Flooded
How to Take a Break During Conversations at Home When Either Partner is Getting Flooded
a) If one person asks for a break, the other partner needs to agree without either partner trying to get the last word into the conversation;
b) The partners should agree on a time that they will get back together again to resume their conversation. The break should last at least 20 minutes, but no longer than 24 hours;
c) The couple should then part and go to separate places where they can no longer see or hear each other, such as separate rooms in the house or one person outside while the other remains inside, etc.;
d) During the break, each partner should do something self-soothing that takes their minds off the discussion with their partner, such as reading a book, listening to some music, taking a walk, going for a run, etc. It's important that the partners do not think of how they can next respond, as that will only keep them flooded;
e) They should return to talk together at the time they designated earlier. If one is not yet calm, she or she should still return, but then ask for a specified additional amount of time in order to fully calm down;
f) After returning to one another in a calmer state, the couple may resume their conversation.
—-Gottman Research
Take a break during conflict discussions
Understanding Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is an extremely troublesome but misunderstood phenomenon. People frequently accuse each other of engaging in it without really understanding what it is. On the other hand, when they encounter the real thing, they’re unable to recognize it and are therefore victimized by those who employ it.
Passive-aggressive behavior is an extremely troublesome but misunderstood phenomenon. People frequently accuse each other of engaging in it without really understanding what it is. On the other hand, when they encounter the real thing, they’re unable to recognize it and are therefore victimized by those who employ it.
So who is a passive-aggressive person, really? Essentially, it’s someone who engages in the indirect expression of anger. This person is unable to acknowledge to themselves or to others that they are angry, so they unconsciously bury this feeling deep in their psyche. Unfortunately, buried emotions have a way of leaking out, as I’ll soon demonstrate.
Anger is a complicated emotion. In our society, it’s both celebrated (see any action or payback movie) and reviled. Anger is seen as both powerful and dangerous; both the path to success and a sign of destructiveness.
It’s difficult for us to separate anger from violence or to see images of anger expressed constructively anywhere in the media. We’re given mixed messages about this emotion and if we grow up with parents who tell us that our anger was “bad,” our confusion worsens.
Some people might have had a raging parent, and having seen this inappropriate expression of anger, come to feel that any anger is terrible and begin to repress it within themselves.
All of these things go into making someone passive-aggressive. Psychologically, this person needs to have an outlet for their repressed anger but is terrified to let it out. They fear that their anger might hurt others or that they’ll be punished for showing it. On the other hand, like any feeling, it pushes against the unconscious barriers to be released.
The anger, like any emotion, has to be expressed. If the person is unable or unwilling to let it out, their unconscious mind finds a different way, which is to make the people around them angry. The feeling gets expressed, but vicariously.
Examples of such behavior are chronic lateness, forgetfulness; losing borrowed objects; breaking dishes while washing up; forgetting to lock the front door; not closing the back door and allowing the dog to escape. All these behaviors serve to upset and enrage others.
When the recipient of this behavior becomes angry, they are told that they’re over-reacting; that it was an accident; that it wasn’t done on purpose. This makes the person on the receiving end all the more angry. Interestingly, once the other person explodes in anger, the passive-aggressive one feels a great sense of relief, as if it were they themselves who was releasing this pent-up rage.
The treatment of this condition is to come to terms with one’s anger and to recognize that it’s not necessarily a bad emotion; just one which needs appropriate expression. For the person on the receiving end, this behavior is abusive and if they can’t get their loved one to stop it, the only solution might be to walk away.
NVC Nonviolent Communication on Wikipedia
NVC is based on the assumption that all human beings have capacity for compassion and empathy and that people only resort to violence or behavior harmful to others when they do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Marshall Rosenberg lecturing in a Nonviolent Communication workshop (1990)
Nonviolent Communication (abbreviated NVC, also called Compassionate Communication or Collaborative Communication) is an approach to nonviolent living developed by Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s.[1][2][3]
NVC is based on the assumption that all human beings have capacity for compassion and empathy and that people only resort to violence or behavior harmful to others when they do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.[4]
NVC theory supposes that all human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs, and that these needs are never in conflict; rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash. NVC proposes that people should identify shared needs, which are revealed by the thoughts and feelings surrounding these needs, and then they should collaborate to develop strategies and make requests of each other to meet each other's needs. The goal is interpersonal harmony and learning for future cooperation.[5]
NVC aims to support change on three interconnected levels: within self, between others, and within groups and social systems. NVC is taught as a process of interpersonal communication designed to improve compassionate connection to others. Practitioners also emphasize that it can have many beneficial "side effects" as a spiritual practice, as a set of values, as parenting best practices, as a tool for social change, as a mediation tool, as an educational orientation, and as a worldview.
Rosenberg related ways he used Nonviolent Communication in peace programs in conflict zones including Rwanda, Burundi, Nigeria, Malaysia, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Colombia, Serbia, Croatia, Ireland, and the Middle East including the disputed West Bank.[23]
History and development
According to a biography of Rosenberg on the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) website,[24] Nonviolent Communication training evolved from his search for a way to rapidly disseminate peacemaking skills. CNVC says that NVC emerged from work he was doing with civil rights activists in the early 1960s, and that during this period he also mediated between rioting students and college administrators, and worked to peacefully desegregate public schools in long-segregated regions.[24]
A master's thesis by Marion Little (2008) says that the roots of the NVC model developed in the late 1960s, when Rosenberg was working on racial integration in schools and organizations in the Southern United States.[25] The earliest version of the model (observations, feelings, and action-oriented wants) was part of a training manual Rosenberg prepared in 1972. The model had evolved to its present form (observations, feelings, needs and requests) by 1992. The dialog between Rosenberg and NVC colleagues and trainers continued to influence the model, which by the late 2000s put more emphasis on self-empathy as a key to the model's effectiveness. Another shift in emphasis, since 2000, has been the reference to the model as a process. The focus is thus less on the "steps" themselves and more on the practitioner's intentions in speaking ("Is the intent to get others to do what one wants, or to foster more meaningful relationships and mutual satisfaction?") in listening ("Is the intent to prepare for what one has to say, or to extend heartfelt, respectful attentiveness to another?") and the quality of connection experienced with others.[25]
Also according to Little's thesis, Rosenberg's work with Carl Rogers on research to investigate the necessary and sufficient conditions of a therapeutic relationship was central to the development of NVC. Rogers emphasized:
1) experiential learning,
2) "frankness about one's emotional state,"
3) the satisfaction of hearing others "in a way that resonates for them,"
4) the enriching and encouraging experience of "creative, active, sensitive, accurate, empathic listening,"
5) the "deep value of congruence between one's own inner experience, one's conscious awareness, and one's communication," and, subsequently,
6) the enlivening experience of unconditionally receiving love or appreciation and extending the same.[25]
Little says Rosenberg was influenced by Erich Fromm, George Albee, and George Miller to adopt a community focus in his work, moving away from clinical psychological practice. The central ideas influencing this shift by Rosenberg were that: (1) individual mental health depends on the social structure of a community (Fromm), (2) therapists alone are unable to meet the psychological needs of a community (Albee), and (3) knowledge about human behavior will increase if psychology is freely given to the community (Miller).[25]
According to Little, Rosenberg's early work with children with learning disabilities shows his interest in psycholinguistics and the power of language, as well as his emphasis on collaboration. In its initial development, the NVC model re-structured the pupil-teacher relationship to give students greater responsibility for, and decision-making related to, their own learning. The model has evolved over the years to incorporate institutional power relationships (i.e., police-citizen, boss-employee) and informal ones (i.e. man-woman, rich-poor, adult-youth, parent-child). The ultimate aim is to develop societal relationships based on a restorative, "partnership" paradigm and mutual respect, rather than a retributive, fear-based, "domination" paradigm.[25]
Little also says Rosenberg identified Mahatma Gandhi as an inspiration for the NVC model, and that Rosenberg's goal was to develop a practical process for interaction rooted in the philosophy of Ahimsa, which Little translates as "the overflowing love that arises when all ill-will, anger, and hate have subsided from the heart."[25]
Unlike Gandhi, Rosenberg endorses the idea of protective force when physical conflict may prove unavoidable. As long as force is not punitive, the use of protective force is acceptable with the sole intent of protecting life; without passing judgment on the person or behavior.[26]
In order to show the differences between communication styles, Rosenberg started to use two animals. Violent communication was represented by the carnivorous Jackal as a symbol of aggression and especially dominance. The herbivorous Giraffe on the other hand, represented his NVC strategy. The Giraffe was chosen as symbol for NVC as its long neck is supposed to show the clear-sighted speaker, being aware of his fellow speakers' reactions; and because the Giraffe has a large heart, representing the compassionate side of NVC. In his courses he tended to use these animals in order to make the differences in communication clearer to the audience.[27]
Overview
Nonviolent Communication holds that most conflicts between individuals or groups arise from miscommunication about their human needs, due to coercive or manipulative language that aims to induce fear, guilt, shame, etc. These "violent" modes of communication, when used during a conflict, divert the attention of the participants away from clarifying their needs, their feelings, their perceptions, and their requests, thus perpetuating the conflict.[citation needed][28]
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, published numerous training materials to help in efforts to bring about radical social change.[29] He was concerned with transforming the "gangs and domination structures" through the method he called "ask, ask, ask". He suggested social change activists could focus on gaining access to those in power in order to "ask, ask, ask" for changes that will make life better for all including the powerful.[30] He wrote about the need for the protective use of force, distinguishing it from the punitive use of force.[31]
Assumptions
Two NVC trainers characterize the assumptions underlying NVC as follows:[4]
All human beings share the same needs
Our world offers sufficient resources for meeting everyone's basic needs
All actions are attempts to meet needs
Feelings point to needs being met or unmet
All human beings have the capacity for compassion
Human beings enjoy giving
Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships
Human beings change
Choice is internal
The most direct path to peace is through self-connection
Intentions
The trainers also say that practicing NVC involves having the following intentions:[4]
Open-hearted living
Expressing from the heart
Receiving with compassion
Prioritizing connection
Moving beyond "right" and "wrong" to using needs-based assessments
Choice, responsibility, peace
Taking responsibility for our feelings
Taking responsibility for our actions
Living in peace with unmet needs
Increasing capacity for meeting needs
Increasing capacity for meeting the present moment
Sharing power (partnership)
Caring equally for everyone's needs
Using force minimally and to protect rather than to educate, punish, or get what we want without agreement
Communication that blocks compassion
Rosenberg says that certain ways of communicating tend to alienate people from the experience of compassion:[32]:ch.2
Moralistic judgments implying wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our values. Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons, and diagnoses are all said to be forms of judgment. (Moralistic judgments are not to be confused with value judgments as to the qualities we value.) The use of moralistic judgments is characterized as an impersonal way of expressing oneself that does not require one to reveal what is going on inside of oneself. This way of speaking is said to have the result that "Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting."
Demands that implicitly or explicitly threaten listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.
Denial of responsibility via language that obscures awareness of personal responsibility. It is said that we deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to: vague impersonal forces ("I had to"); our condition, diagnosis, personal or psychological history; the actions of others; the dictates of authority; group pressure; institutional policy, rules, and regulations; gender roles, social roles, or age roles; or uncontrollable impulses.
Making comparisons between people.
A premise of deserving, that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment.
Four components
How Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests are connected in the NVC system
Rosenberg invites NVC practitioners to focus attention on four components:
Observation: the facts (what we are seeing, hearing, or touching) as distinct from our evaluation of meaning and significance. NVC discourages static generalizations. It is said that "When we combine observation with evaluation others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying." Instead, a focus on observations specific to time and context is recommended.[32]:ch.
Feelings: emotions or sensations, free of thought and story. These are to be distinguished from thoughts (e.g., "I feel I didn't get a fair deal") and from words colloquially used as feelings but which convey what we think we are (e.g., "inadequate"), how we think others are evaluating us (e.g., "unimportant"), or what we think others are doing to us (e.g., "misunderstood", "ignored"). Feelings are said to reflect whether we are experiencing our needs as met or unmet. Identifying feelings is said to allow us to more easily connect with one another, and "Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts."[32]:ch.4
Needs: universal human needs, as distinct from particular strategies for meeting needs. It is posited that "Everything we do is in service of our needs."[33]
Request: request for a specific action, free of demand. Requests are distinguished from demands in that one is open to hearing a response of "no" without this triggering an attempt to force the matter. If one makes a request and receives a "no" it is recommended not that one give up, but that one empathize with what is preventing the other person from saying "yes," before deciding how to continue the conversation. It is recommended that requests use clear, positive, concrete action language.[32]:ch.6
Modes
There are three primary modes of application of NVC:
Self-empathy involves compassionately connecting with what is going on inside us. This may involve, without blame, noticing the thoughts and judgments we are having, noticing our feelings, and most critically, connecting to the needs that are affecting us.[33]:ch.4
Receiving empathically, in NVC, involves "connection with what's alive in the other person and what would make life wonderful for them... It's not an understanding of the head where we just mentally understand what another person says... Empathic connection is an understanding of the heart in which we see the beauty in the other person, the divine energy in the other person, the life that's alive in them... It doesn't mean we have to feel the same feelings as the other person. That's sympathy, when we feel sad that another person is upset. It doesn't mean we have the same feelings; it means we are with the other person... If you're mentally trying to understand the other person, you're not present with them."[33]:ch.5
Empathy involves "emptying the mind and listening with our whole being." NVC suggests that however the other person expresses themselves, we focus on listening for the underlying observations, feelings, needs, and requests. It is suggested that it can be useful to reflect a paraphrase of what another person has said, highlighting the NVC components implicit in their message, such as the feelings and needs you guess they may be expressing.[32]:ch.7
Expressing honestly, in NVC, is likely to involve expressing an observation, feeling, need, and request. An observation may be omitted if the context of the conversation is clear. A feeling might be omitted if there is sufficient connection already, or the context is one where naming a feeling isn't likely to contribute to connection. It is said that naming a need in addition to a feeling makes it less likely that people will think you are making them responsible for your feeling. Similarly, it is said that making a request in addition to naming a need makes it less likely that people will infer a vague demand that they address your need. The components are thought to work together synergistically. According to NVC trainer Bob Wentworth, "an observation sets the context, feelings support connection and getting out of our heads, needs support connection and identify what is important, and a request clarifies what sort of response you might enjoy. Using these components together minimizes the chances of people getting lost in potentially disconnecting speculation about what you want from them and why."[34]
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^ Certification, cnvc.org
^ Nonviolent Communication International Intensive Training, cnvc.org
^ "Organizations". nvcworld.com. NVC World. Retrieved October 6, 2016.
^ Organization of the NVC Movement, capitalnvc.net
^ Training Schedule, cnvc.org
^ "International Organisations". nvcworld.com. 2011. Retrieved October 19, 2011.
^ "Find nvc organizations". cnvc.org. 2011. Retrieved October 19, 2011
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