Manage Conflict: The Art of Compromise & Why You Need To Accept Your Partner's Core Needs

We’ve all been in the middle of an argument that we know we cannot win, understanding that our frustration has overwhelmed all sense of perspective. Spent and shattered, we would do well to remember the old saying: “It is better to bend than to break!” And this is just what Dr. Gottman’s countless research studies have shown.

When you are caught in the heat of an argument, you are in a state of crisis, which is defined as “a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger” from the Greek krisis. In times where you experience crisis, what you yearn for most of all is to feel safe. If you do not feel safe (emotionally or physically), there is no way for you to reach a state of compromise with your partner.

Dr. Gottman’s further findings may not seem so intuitive: If your goal is to reach a state of compromise, you must first focus on yourself. Define your core needs in the area of your problems, do not relinquish anything that you feel is absolutely essential, and understand that you must be willing to accept influence.

His advice, based on more than four decades years of research, is the following:

Remember, you can only be influential if you accept influence. Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something. The important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams.

If you feel like this is an incredibly tall order, you are not alone. Luckily, the following exercise may be of comfort. Featured in the couples workshop that Dr. Gottman presents with his wife and collaborator, Dr. Julie Gottman, this exercise will help you and your partner to make headway into the perpetually gridlocked problems you face in your relationship. We hope that it will provide welcome relief in this critical first step towards easing the many stresses of conflict:

The Art of Compromise

Step 1: Consider an area of conflict in which you and your partner have been stuck in perpetual gridlock. Draw two ovals, one within the other. The one on the inside is yourInflexible Area, and the one on the outside is your Flexible Area.

Step 2: Think of the inside oval containing the ideas, needs, and values you absolutely cannot compromise on, and the outside oval containing the ideas, needs, and values that you feel more flexible with in this area. Make two lists.

Step 3: Discuss the following questions with your partner, in the way that feels most comfortable and natural for the two of you:

• Can you help me to understand why your “inflexible” needs or values are so important to you?

• What are your guiding feelings here?

• What feelings and goals do we have in common? How might these goals be accomplished?

• Help me to understand your flexible areas. Let’s see which ones we have in common.

• How can I help you to meet your core needs?

• What temporary compromise can we reach on this problem?

Designed as an activity for the two of you, this exercise should not be approached in the midst of a stressful discussion. It will be most helpful if undertaken in peacetime, perhaps in the evening or on a weekend. It should take you and your partner approximately thirty minutes. Remember, this activity is not a magical pill that the two of you can pop, causing your problems to disappear forever! It is the beginning of a series of what will likely prove to be long, honest, fruitful, and fulfilling discussions.

If this all still feels intimidating, don’t be discouraged. It probably means that this is important to you. And that is your greatest power – motivation to overcome these very real difficulties. In the words of Virginia Woolf, “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” The differences between us all are very real.

Remember, those of us who love someone have a real gift – having seen the unique beauty of the one we love, in all of its strengths and weaknesses, complexities and depths, we share the will to build bridges between our souls.

The first time contempt showed up in my marriage it was quiet, condescending, and it came from me.

I’d made plans with my friends and was calling my husband to wish him a good day when he asked, “When will I hear from you?”

That one question rattled every independent bone in my body.

What did he mean “When would I hear from you?” He was hearing from me now. I was going to be with my friends later. That was the whole point of me calling!

I wasn’t expecting to talk to him again until the following day.

“What do you mean we’re not talking until tomorrow?” he asked. “I thought since we aren’t seeing each other later, we’d be talking tonight.”

And that’s when I said it. “Really?”

I simply did not understand his notion of checking in, keeping in touch, or staying emotionally connected while apart. I was single for years before meeting him. I wasn’t used to staying in touch with someone and I didn’t see that as a reflection of how I felt about him.

I could be in love with him and still not need to talk to him multiple times per day.

However, that wasn’t his style. He needed to connect regularly.

Our core needs are not negotiable

Successful relationships come down to basic questions about our core needs:

• What do I need in a relationship in order to feel loved, happy, fulfilled, and secure?

• What do you need in a relationship to feel the same?

• Are you willing to meet my needs in this relationship?

• Am I willing to meet yours?

If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.

It didn’t matter whether or not my husband’s need for regular connection challenged my sense of independence. It didn’t matter whether or not I believed it to be a worthwhile need. It only mattered whether or not I was willing to give him what he needed.

If his needs challenged my own, if I couldn’t give him what he needed, or if I simply didn’t want to give him what he needed, I needed to take the door.

I loved him more than I cared about having to check in.

At the end of the day, I loved him more than I was challenged by regular connection. I was willing to meet his need in order for our relationship to succeed.

How our needs get met is negotiable

When I met my husband and we were first working this stuff out, I was working a crazy job with crazy hours. I couldn’t guarantee much in terms of regular or consist contact. However, I was able to say:

I love you. You are important to me. I understand you hate feeling like my busy schedule keeps me from thinking of you. I don’t want you to feel that way. I am going to keep in touch and I need you to understand there’s no way I can promise when, for how long, or how often I’ll be able to do so.

Here is the recipe for success:

• Communicate that you understand your partner’s need and why it’s important to them

• Reiterate why tending to this is important to you

• Be clear on your own boundaries and limits in meeting the need

• Communicate what your partner can expect from you going forward

• Check back with your partner that they understand your limits and are ok with them

This is taken from the Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint for managing conflict in committed relationships.

Lasting relationships require flexibility

Working together to meet each other’s needs is a dance that can create a meaningful and lasting relationship.

Successful relationships require a solid friendship, so it helps in the beginning when needs can be met consistently to build trust and security between partners.

When it comes to meeting needs, communication and compromise are a necessity.

While my job is lower key now and less demanding in many ways than when my husband and I first confronted this issue, I still need me time away from my partner.

Communication is crucial:

Babe, I know you like keeping in touch. I am having a “just get in my car and drive” kind of day. I need to clear my head and unplug from everything and everyone. I am heading out for a while but I will call once my head is clear and let you know when I’ll be back. Sound good?

The key here is to take your partner’s needs into account while expressing yours.

If you don’t communicate this, you run the risk of your partner thinking that you stopped caring, that their needs are only a priority when it’s convenient for you, or some other unintended message.

Sometimes, your needs will conflict with one another and you’re going to have to talk about it, negotiate it, and come to a compromise together.

Relationships thrive when needs are met and falter when they’re not. That fact, quite simply, is non-negotiable.

FONDNESS and ADMIRATION Relationship Online QUIZ

Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Getting through stressful times and managing conflict is much easier if you and your partner regularly show how highly you value each other. Dr. John Gottman designed the following questions to assess the current level of fondness and admiration that exists in your relationship.

• I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• I will often find some way to tell my partner “I love you.”*

  • True

  • False

• I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner really respects me.*

  • True

  • False

• I feel loved and cared for in this relationship.*

  • True

  • False

• I feel accepted and liked by my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner finds me sexy and attractive.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner turns me on sexually.*

  • True

  • False

• There is fire and passion in this relationship.*

  • True

  • False

• Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship.*

  • True

  • False

• I am really proud of my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments.*

  • True

  • False

• I can easily tell you why I started dating my partner.*

  • True

  • False

• If I had to do it all over again, I would date the same person.*

  • True

  • False

• We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection.*

  • True

  • False

• When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner appreciates the things I do in this marriage.*

  • True

  • False

• My partner generally likes my personality.*

  • True

  • False

• Our sex life is generally satisfying.*

  • True

  • False

Take the quiz online HERE: https://www.gottman.com/blog/fondness-and-admiration-assessment/

THE FOUR HORSEMEN: The Antidotes

All relationships, even the most successful ones, have conflict. It is unavoidable. Fortunately, our research shows that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve,” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding.

And there are problems that you just won’t solve due to natural personality differences between you and your partner, but if you can learn to manage those problems in a healthy way, then your relationship will succeed.

The first step in effectively managing conflict is to identify and counteract The Four Horsemen when they arrive in your conflict discussions. If you don’t, you risk serious problems in the future of your relationship. But, like Newton’s Third Law, for every horseman there is an antidote, and you can learn how and when to use them below.

The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up

A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a soft or gentle start-up. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

To put it simply, think of these two things to formulate your soft start-up: What do I feel? What do I need?

Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”

Antidote: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent. Can we please talk about my day?”

Notice that the antidote starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the discussion from escalating into an argument.

The Antidote to Contempt: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect

Contempt shows up in statements that come from a position of moral superiority. Some examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is destructive and defeating. It is the greatest predictor of divorce, and it must be avoided at all costs.

The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship, and there are a few ways to do that. One of our mottos is Small Things Often: if you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!

Another way that we explain this is our discovery of the 5:1 “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions that a relationship must have to succeed. If you have five or more positive interactions for every one negative interaction, then you’re making regular deposits into your emotional bank account, which keeps your relationship in the green.

Contempt: “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.)

Antidote: “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? I’d appreciate it.”

The antidote here works so well because it expresses understanding right off the bat. This partner shows how they know that the lack of cleanliness isn’t out of laziness or malice, and so they do not make a contemptuous statement about their partner or take any position of moral superiority.

Instead, this antidote is a respectful request, and it ends with a statement of appreciation.

The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility

Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand.

Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict.

Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second.”

Antidote: “I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible.”

By taking responsibility for part of the conflict (trying to leave too early), even while asserting that they don’t like to be late, this partner prevents the conflict from escalating by admitting their role in the conflict. From here, this couple can work towards a compromise.

The Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing

Stonewalling is when someone completely withdraws from a conflict discussion and no longer responds to their partner. It usually happens when you’re feeling flooded or emotionally overwhelmed, so your reaction is to shut down, stop talking, and disengage. And when couples stonewall, they’re under a lot of emotional pressure, which increases heart rates, releases stress hormones into the bloodstream, and can even trigger a fight-or-flight response.

In one of our longitudinal research studies, we interrupted couples after fifteen minutes of an argument and told them we needed to adjust the equipment. We asked them not to talk about their issue, but just to read magazines for half an hour. When they started talking again, their heart rates were significantly lower and their interaction was more positive and productive.

What happened during that half hour? Each partner, without even knowing it, physiologically soothed themselves by reading and avoiding discussion. They calmed down, and once they felt calm, they were able to return to the discussion in a respectful and rational way.

Therefore, the antidote to stonewalling is to practice physiological self-soothing, and the first step of self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion and call a timeout:

“Look, we’ve been through this over and over again. I’m tired of reminding you—”

“Honey, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to take a break. Can you give me twenty minutes and then we can talk?”

If you don’t take a break, you’ll find yourself either stonewalling and bottling up your emotions, or you’ll end up exploding at your partner, or both, and neither will get you anywhere good.

So, when you take a break, it should last at least twenty minutes because it will take that long before your body physiologically calms down. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”). Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music, reading, or exercising. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as it helps you to calm down.

You’ve got the skills. Use them!

Now that you know what the Four Horsemen are and how to counteract them with their proven antidotes, you’ve got the essential tools to manage conflict in a healthy way. As soon as you see criticism or contempt galloping in, remember their antidotes. Be vigilant. The more you can keep the Four Horsemen at bay, the more likely you are to have a stable and happy relationship.

FOUR HORSEMEN SELF-TEST

The Four Horsemen

Criticism Self Test

Contempt and Defensiveness

Contempt Self Test

Defensiveness Self Test

Stonewalling Self Test

Emotional Flooding

Emotional Flooding happens when one or both partners pulse rises quickly casting emotion to be stronger that reason. When you are neurologically emotionally flooded you say and do things in an extreme fashion that are often damaging to the relationship. Julie Gottman interview explains how you have to take a break at least 20 minutes and not talk about the fight. When both are calm, and it can take more than 20 minutes but that is a minimum, you can try again.

THE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY METER

Keep conversations

EFFECTIVE, HEALING and FEEL CLOSER

COMMON QUESTION: It seems like I have to get extremely mad at my mate to get their attention on things that matter to me. They get mad back at me and we talk, but it is a distant conversation. What keeps us from changing this pattern?

DON: Overwhelm.

Neither you nor your mate can learn anything new when either are overwhelmed. Neither of you are emotionally available for learning and to feel connected.

When the pulse is elevated around 100 or more beats per minute a person's brain and nervous system is what psychology now calls "flooded." 

The Relationship Research of Julie and John Gottman's book Why Marriages Succeed and Fail, calls it "diffuse physiological arousal" meaning that the part of both or your brains that warn of danger, Flight or Flight Response, has been activated and your body is in high self-defense alert. Your attention isn't in a "curious" mode but in either an attack, defensive or freeze (detached) state, meaning no one is really listening to learn anything new.  Neuro-science has confirmed why people who are so bright, capable, and smart in so many situations appear shallow and unable to learn the simplest things in a committed relationship. Why?  They are overwhelmed. They have not allowed themselves to calm down, as long as it take, before they reengage with the other person. In a calm state, reason toward what is actually happening or has happened becomes stronger than the emotion and a dialogue can happen that allows the possibility of new learning to take place.

Nobody learns when overwhelmed except how to be mean (fight), run away faster (flight), or detach and give the angry person whatever words they need to hear so they will stop being so intense (freeze--appease).

Curiosity is in the GREEN on the Emotional Intensity Meter

You succeeded in getting your partner's attention, and you also guaranteed that nothing will change. Along with all of this another thing happens that makes this even harder, details will not be remembered accurately.  And, I am sure you have ended up here because calm talking about the concern went unaddressed in a productive way. We will get to that shortly, but I want to answer your question fully first.

If you use our Emotionally Intensity Meter, you can see what happens to the brain and nervous system and therefore what a person is capable of at various levels of emotional arousal.

When a person is upset, making a very strong point over and over, or is listening and getting madder and madder, when their pulse hits around 90-100 beats per minute, they are flooded with intensity and changing the area of the brain that is function. They are now in a fight, flight or freeze mode and not open to reasoning or learning unless they calm down their pulse and emotionally become calmer.

On The EIM-Emotional Intensity Meter, that would put that person in the "red."  They are not available to speak, listen, learn, nor be reasonable.  And, if the conversation continues, the research shows it will end badly in minutes and sometimes seconds.  It takes at least 20 minutes, but can take hours and for some people a day or two, before they can calmly and therefore more reasonably reengage about the topic that triggered the overwhelm. The longer either or both people keep talking in the "red" the longer it takes for the nervous and brain to calm to "green" on the EIM, which means calm. 

Most people make the error to either keep talking in the red or not wait long enough to get into the green before re-engaging the topic.  And since the topic is usually important in some way, the upset patterns happens over and over again, until the couple stop talking about it and that creates another set of problems that become more and more complicated.

So, your strategy gets their attention, but the part of his brain you really need to talk with that can learn and make reasonable decisions, is not home.

The bottom of the Emotional Intensity Meter is Blue, that is when you are starting to detach from the conversation and the other person and thoughts about wanting the conversation end appear or other types of distancing thoughts. When in the deep blue, you are not available for an engaged closeness conversation. You may feel calm but your partner will most likely experience that as “cold” and “you don’t care about me.” So deep blue or deep red are both signs of overwhelm and the need for a time out from the conversation and away from each other physically until calm returns.The Emotional Intensity Meter can be most helpful in both stopping prolonged arguing as well as a way to gauge when ready to try and have a repair conversation.

Note: It is common to mistake “numb (overwhelm” with calmness. You will know it is calmness when you feel “like yourself” again and you can see the negative impact on your behavior toward the other person and take responsibility for it as you also see to repair and address the issue at hand with the other person.

The GOAL: Keep conversations in the GREEN, and when they aren’t, take immediate TIME OUT, no less than 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. 

Understanding Fight, Flight, Freeze and the Fawn Trauma Response

 

Another possible response to trauma. 

 Most people have some level of awareness of PTSD, particularly as it applies to people returning from the war zones in the Middle East. PTSD was also evident in other soldiers returning from battle in the past, but there was limited recognition of the changes brought about by severe trauma in these earlier wars. 

Today, research into the brain's response to trauma has created an awareness of PTSD across a wide range of life events. This includes seeing and experiencing the horrors of war, but also for first responders, victims of crime, and people exposed to single incidents of trauma or ongoing trauma throughout their life. 

The most well-known responses to trauma are the fight, flight, or freeze responses. However, there is a fourth possible response, the so-called fawn response. Flight includes running or fleeing the situation, fight is to become aggressive, and freeze is to literally become incapable of moving or making a choice. 

The fawn response involves immediately moving to try to please a person to avoid any conflict. This is often a response developed in childhood trauma, where a parent or a significant authority figure is the abuser. Children go into a fawn-like response to attempt to avoid the abuse, which may be verbal, physical, or sexual, by being a pleaser. In other words, they preemptively attempt to appease the abuser by agreeing, answering what they know the parent wants to hear, or by ignoring their personal feelings and desires and do anything and everything to prevent the abuse. 

Over time, this fawn response becomes a pattern. Individuals carry this behavior pattern into their adult relationships, including their professional and personal interactions. 

Recognizing the Fawn Response

As the fawn response is developed early in childhood, it can be difficult for an individual to recognize it is occurring. However, there are some key signs that the fawn response is in use when:

·       You look to others for how you feel in a relationship or a situation

·       It is difficult to identify your feelings, even when you are alone

·       You often feel like you have no identity

·       You are constantly trying to please the people in your life

·       At the first sign of conflict, your first instinct is to appease the angry person

·       You ignore your own beliefs, thoughts, and truths and accept those of the people around you

·       You may experience unusual emotional responses when issues do not involve people of importance in your life. This could include emotional outbursts at strangers or sudden sadness throughout the day. 

·       You feel self-anger and guilt some or most of the time

·       Saying no to those around you is a challenge

·       You are overwhelmed at times but take on more if asked

·       You lack boundaries and are often taken advantage of in relationships

·       You are uncomfortable or threatened when asked to give an opinio

The fawn response is often not discussed in PTSD as it may be seen as simply a part of the personality of the individual. However, it goes beyond a collaborative and non-competitive personality. 

Individuals with the fawn response pattern can be targeted by those who are narcissistic or those with a desire to control and manipulate people around them. In these situations, the fawn response creates a dangerous cycle with the narcissist demanding more and more and the individual with PTSD feeling greater levels of anger, guilt, and self-reproach for giving their emotional and physical all to the partner. 

Getting Help 

Trauma, including PTSD, can be treated effectively through therapeutic interventions. Working closely with a therapist trained in the treatment of PTSD is essential to understand the cause of the trauma and to process the past to be able to move forward. 

Through therapy, individuals who use this type of response as their default way to deal with others can learn effective strategies to create and maintain boundaries, to talk about their feelings and emotions, and to learn how to interact with others without feeling the need to constantly please. 

The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
By Pete Walker

http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

This paper describes a trauma typology for differentially diagnosing and treating Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This model elaborates four basic defensive structures that develop out of our instinctive Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn responses to severe abandonment and trauma (heretofore referred to as the 4Fs). Variances in the childhood abuse/neglect pattern, birth order, and genetic predispositions result in individuals "choosing" and specializing in narcissistic (fight), obsessive/compulsive (flight), dissociative (freeze) or codependent (fawn) defenses. Many of my clients have reported that psychoeducation in this model has been motivational, deshaming and pragmatically helpful in guiding their recovery.

Individuals who experience "good enough parenting" in childhood arrive in adulthood with a healthy and flexible response repertoire to danger. In the face of real danger, they have appropriate access to all of their 4F choices. Easy access to the fight response insures good boundaries, healthy assertiveness and aggressive self-protectiveness if necessary. Untraumatized individuals also easily and appropriately access their flight instinct and disengage and retreat when confrontation would exacerbate their danger. They also freeze appropriately and give up and quit struggling when further activity or resistance is futile or counterproductive. And finally they also fawn in a liquid, "play-space" manner and are able to listen, help, and compromise as readily as they assert and express themselves and their needs, rights and points of view. 

Those who are repetitively traumatized in childhood however, often learn to survive by over-relying on the use of one or two of the 4F Reponses. Fixation in any one 4F response not only delimits the ability to access all the others, but also severely impairs the individual's ability to relax into an undefended state, circumscribing him in a very narrow, impoverished experience of life. Over time a habitual 4F defense also "serves" to distract the individual from the accumulating unbearable feelings of her current alienation and unresolved past trauma.

Complex PTSD as an Attachment Disorder
Polarization to a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response is not only the developing child's unconscious attempt to obviate danger, but also a strategy to purchase some illusion or modicum of attachment. All 4F types are commonly ambivalent about real intimacy because deep relating so easily triggers them into painful emotional flashbacks (see my article in The East Bay Therapist (Sept/Oct 05): "Flashback Management in the Treatment of Complex PTSD". Emotional Flashbacks are instant and sometimes prolonged regressions into the intense, overwhelming feeling states of childhood abuse and neglect: fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief and/or depression. Habituated 4F defenses offer protection against further re-abandonment hurts by precluding the type of vulnerable relating that is prone to re-invoke childhood feelings of being attacked, unseen, and unappreciated.

Fight types avoid real intimacy by unconsciously alienating others with their angry and controlling demands for the unmet childhood need of unconditional love; flight types stay perpetually busy and industrious to avoid potentially triggering interactions; freeze types hide away in their rooms and reveries; and fawn types avoid emotional investment and potential disappointment by barely showing themselves - by hiding behind their helpful personas, over-listening, over-eliciting or overdoing for the other - by giving service but never risking real self-exposure and the possibility of deeper level rejection. Here then, are further descriptions of the 4F defenses with specific recommendations for treatment. All types additionally need and benefit greatly from the multidimensional treatment approach described in the article above, and in my East Bay Therapist article (Sept/Oct06): "Shrinking The Inner Critic in Complex PTSD", which describes thirteen toxic superegoic processes of perfectionism and endangerment that dominate the psyches of all 4F types in varying ways.

The Fight Type and the Narcissistic Defense
Fight types are unconsciously driven by the belief that power and control can create safety, assuage abandonment and secure love. Children who are spoiled and given insufficient limits (a uniquely painful type of abandonment) and children who are allowed to imitate the bullying of a narcissistic parent may develop a fixated fight response to being triggered. These types learn to respond to their feelings of abandonment with anger and subsequently use contempt, a toxic amalgam of narcissistic rage and disgust, to intimidate and shame others into mirroring them and into acting as extensions of themselves. The entitled fight type commonly uses others as an audience for his incessant monologizing, and may treat a "captured" freeze or fawn type as a slave or prisoner in a dominance-submission relationship. Especially devolved fight types may become sociopathic, ranging along a continuum that stretches between corrupt politician and vicious criminal. 
TX: Treatable fight types benefit from being psychoeducated about the prodigious price they pay for controlling others with intimidation. Less injured types are able to see how potential intimates become so afraid and/or resentful of them that they cannot manifest the warmth or real liking the fight type so desperately desires. I have helped a number of fight types understand the following downward spiral of power and alienation: excessive use of power triggers a fearful emotional withdrawal in the other, which makes the fight type feel even more abandoned and, in turn, more outraged and contemptuous, which then further distances the "intimate", which in turn increases their rage and disgust, which creates increasing distance and withholding of warmth, ad infinitem. Fight types need to learn to notice and renounce their habit of instantly morphing abandonment feelings into rage and disgust. As they become more conscious of their abandonment feelings, they can focus on and feel their abandonment fear and shame without transmuting it into rage or disgust - and without letting grandiose overcompensations turn it into demandingness. 

Unlike the other 4Fs, fight types assess themselves as perfect and project the inner critic's perfectionistic processes onto others, guaranteeing themselves an endless supply of justifications to rage. Fight types need to see how their condescending, moral-high-ground position alienates others and perpetuates their present time abandonment. Learning to take self-initiated timeouts at the first sign of triggering is an invaluable tool for them to acquire. Timeouts can be used to accurately redirect the lion's share of their hurt feelings into grieving and working through their original abandonment, rather than displacing it destructively onto current intimates. Furthermore, like all 4F fixations, fight types need to become more flexible and adaptable in using the other 4F responses to perceived danger, especially the polar opposite and complementary fawn response described below. They can learn the empathy response of the fawn position - imagining how it feels to be the other, and in the beginning "fake it until they make it." Without real consideration for the other, without reciprocity and dialogicality, the real intimacy they crave will remain unavailable to them.

The Flight Type and the Obsessive-Compulsive Defense
Flight types appear as if their starter button is stuck in the "on" position. They are obsessively and compulsively driven by the unconscious belief that perfection will make them safe and loveable. As children, flight types respond to their family trauma somewhere along a hyperactive continuum that stretches between the extremes of the driven "A" student and the ADHD dropout running amok. They relentlessly flee the inner pain of their abandonment and lack of attachment with the symbolic flight of constant busyness. 

When the obsessive/compulsive flight type is not doing, she is worrying and planning about doing. Flight types are prone to becoming addicted to their own adrenalization, and many recklessly and regularly pursue risky and dangerous activities to keep their adrenalin-high going. These types are also as susceptible to stimulating substance addictions, as they are to their favorite process addictions: workaholism and busyholism. Severely traumatized flight types may devolve into severe anxiety and panic disorders. 

TX: Many flight types are so busy trying to stay one step ahead of their pain that introspecting out loud in the therapy hour is the only time they find to take themselves seriously. While psychoeducation is important and essential to all the types, flight types particularly benefit from it. Nowhere is this truer than in the work of learning to deconstruct their overidentification with the perfectionistic demands of their inner critic. Gently and repetitively confronting denial and minimization about the costs of perfectionism is essential, especially with workaholics who often admit their addiction to work but secretly hold onto it as a badge of pride and superiority. Deeper work with flight types - as with all types -gradually opens them to grieving their original abandonment and all its concomitant losses. Egosyntonic crying is an unparalleled tool for shrinking the obsessive perseverations of the critic and for ameliorating the habit of compulsive rushing. As recovery progresses, flight types can acquire a "gearbox" that allows them to engage life at a variety of speeds, including neutral. Flight types also benefit from using mini-minute meditations to help them identify and deconstruct their habitual "running". I teach such clients to sit comfortably, systemically relax, breathe deeply and diaphragmatically, and ask themselves questions such as: "What is my most important priority right now?", or when more time is available: "What hurt am I running from right now? Can I open my heart to the idea and image of soothing myself in my pain?" Finally, there are numerous flight types who exhibit symptoms that may be misperceived as cyclothymic bipolar disorder; I address this issue at length in my article: "Managing Abandonment Depression in Complex PTSD". 

The Freeze Type and the Dissociative Defense 
Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the "off" position. It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child - "the lost child" - who is forced to "choose" and habituate to the freeze response (the most primitive of the 4Fs). Unable to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type's defenses develop around classical dissociation, which allows him to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions - any of which might trigger feelings of being reabandoned. Freeze types often present as ADD; they seek refuge and comfort in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right brain-dominant activities like TV, computer and video games. They master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality. 

TX: There are at least three reasons why freeze types are the most difficult 4F defense to treat. First, their positive relational experiences are few if any, and they are therefore extremely reluctant to enter the relationship of therapy; moreover, those who manage to overcome this reluctance often spook easily and quickly terminate. Second, they are harder to psychoeducate about the trauma basis of their complaints because, like many fight types, they are unconscious of their fear and their torturous inner critic. Also, like the fight type, the freeze type tends to project the perfectionistic demands of the critic onto others rather than the self, and uses the imperfections of others as justification for isolation. The critic's processes of perfectionism and endangerment, extremely unconscious in freeze types, must be made conscious and deconstructed as described in detail in my aforementioned article on shrinking the inner critic. Third, even more than workaholic flight types, freeze types are in denial about the life narrowing consequences of their singular adaptation. Because the freeze response is on a continuum that ends with the collapse response (the extreme abandonment of consciousness seen in prey animals about to be killed), many appear to be able to self-medicate by releasing the internal opioids that the animal brain is programmed to release when danger is so great that death seems immanent. The opioid production of the collapse or extreme freeze response can only take the individual so far however, and these types are therefore prone to sedating substance addictions. Many self-medicating types are often drawn to marijuana and narcotics, while others may gravitate toward ever escalating regimes of anti-depressants and anxiolytics. Moreover, when they are especially unremediated and unattached, they can devolve into increasing depression and, in worst case scenarios, into the kind of mental illness described in the book, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.

The Fawn Type and the Codependent Defense
Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. They often begin life like the precocious children described in Alice Miler's The Drama Of The Gifted Child, who learn that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servants of their parents. They are usually the children of at least one narcissistic parent who uses contempt to press them into service, scaring and shaming them out of developing a healthy sense of self: an egoic locus of self-protection, self-care and self-compassion. This dynamic is explored at length in my East Bay Therapist article (Jan/Feb2003): "Codependency, Trauma and The Fawn Response" (see www.pete-walker.com). TX. Fawn types typically respond well to being psychoeducated in this model. This is especially true when the therapist persists in helping them recognize and renounce the repetition compulsion that draws them to narcissistic types who exploit them. Therapy also naturally helps them to shrink their characteristic listening defense as they are guided to widen and deepen their self-expression. I have seen numerous inveterate codependents finally progress in their assertiveness and boundary-making work, when they finally got that even the thought of expressing a preference or need triggers an emotional flashback of such intensity that they completely dissociate from their knowledge of and ability to express what they want. Role-playing assertiveness in session and attending to the stultifying inner critic processes it triggers helps the codependent build a healthy ego. This is especially true when the therapist interprets, witnesses and validates how the individual as a child was forced to put to death so much of her individual self. Grieving these losses further potentiates the developing ego.

Trauma Hybrids
There are, of course, few pure types. Most trauma survivors are hybrids of the 4F's. There are for instance, three subsets of the fawn type: the fawn-fight (the smothering-mother type) who coercively or manipulatively takes care of others, who smother loves them into conforming with her view of who they should be; the fawn-flight type who workaholically makes herself useful to others (the "model" secretary) in the vein of her favorite role model Mother Theresa; and the fawn-freeze type who numbingly surrenders herself to scapegoating or to a narcissist's need to have a target for his rageaholic releases (the "classic" domestic violence victim).Space in this article only allows for the description of two other common hybrids: the Fight/Fawn and the Flight/Freeze. 
The Fight/Fawn, perhaps the most relational hybrid and most susceptible to love addiction, combines two opposite but magnetically attracting polarities of relational style - narcissism and codependence. This defense is sometimes misdiagnosed as borderline because the individual's flashbacks trigger a panicky sense of abandonment and a desperation for love that causes her to dramatically split back and forth between fighting and clawing for love and cunningly or flatteringly groveling for it. This type is different than the fawn/fight in that the narcissistic defense is typically more in ascendancy. The fight/fawn hybrid is also distinct from a more common condition where an individual acts like a fight type in one relationship while fawning in another (the archetypal henpecked husband who is a tyrant at work), and from the many "nice" mildly codependent people who have critical masses where they will eventually get fed up and blow up about injustice and exploitation. The borderline-like fight/fawn type however may dramatically vacillate back and forth between these two styles many times in a single interaction. 

The Flight/Freeze type is the least relational and most schizoid hybrid. This type avoids his feelings and potential relationship retraumatization with an obsessive-compulsive/ dissociative "two-step" that severely narrows his existence. The flight/freeze cul-de-sac is more common among men, especially those traumatized for being vulnerable in childhood, and those who subsequently learned to seek safety in isolation or "intimacy-lite" relationships. Many non-alpha type males gravitate to the combination of flight and freeze defensiveness stereotypical of the information technology nerd - the computer addict who workaholically focuses for long periods of time and then drifts off dissociatively into computer games. Many sex addicts also combine flight and freeze in a compulsive pursuit of a sexual pseudo-intimacy. When in flight mode, they obsessively scheme to "get" sex and/or compulsively pursue and/or engage in it; when in freeze mode, they drift off into a right brain sexual fantasy world that is often fueled by an addictive use of pornography; and even during real time sexual interaction, they often engage more with their idealized fantasy partners than with their actual partner.

Self-Assessment. Readers may find it informative to self-assess their own hierarchical use of the 4F responses. They can try to determine their dominant type and hybrid, and think about what percentage of their time is spent in each type of 4F activity. Finally, all 4Fs progressively recover from the multidimensional wounding of complex ptsd as mindfulness of learned trauma dynamics increases, as the critic shrinks, as dissociation decreases, as childhood losses are effectively grieved, as the healthy ego matures into a user-friendly manager of the psyche, as the life narrative becomes more egosyntonic, as emotional vulnerability creates authentic experiences of intimacy, and as "good enough" safe attachments are attained. Furthermore, it is also important to emphasize that recovery is not an all-or-none phenomenon, but rather a gradual one marked by decreasing frequency, intensity and duration of flashbacks.

Five Languages Of Love (Gary Chapman)

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

a. Encouraging Words

b. Kind Words

c. Speaking to the Positive Intent of Action

Love Language #2: Receiving Gifts

a. Give meaningful things

b. Things that matter to them, even it not to you

c. Things that reflect their values, no necessarily yours

Love Language #3: Acts of Service

a. Actions that you know they would LIKE for you to do for them

b. Actions taken without resentment

c. Actions taken with gratitude

Love Language #4: Quality Time

a. Undividing attention

b. Not just being in same room

c. Regularly and often in various settings

Love Language #5: Physical Touching

a. Regular and often

b. Appropriate to the one being touched

c. Safe touch, not intrusive, leading nowhere but that moment of physical connection and not thinking of future

Rank order these choices for yourself and your partner by putting a number (1-5) beside each one. If you change your mind, don’t erase, but mark out and put the new number beside it. This is for self-discover and conversation. There are not wrong answers. After rating yourself and partner, have them do the same and then take and discover more about your past, your present, and how you would like to live your future.

Me_____________________ You____________________

#1: Words of Affirmation #1: Words of Affirmation

#2: Quality Time #2: Quality Time

#3: Receiving Gifts #3: Receiving Gifts

#4: Acts of Service #4: Acts of Service

#5: Physical Touching #5: Physical Touching

Your primary love language is your Relationship Sweet Spot, meaning if this is the number one way that if your partner expresses love to you, you will feel close to him or her. This raises your sentiment toward each other in a positive direction. 

If it isn't, even if the others are done often, you will develop a sense of distance from them, and them from you, which will eventually create an underlying resentment toward them. This lowers your relationship sentiment toward each other.

All the languages are needed in a relationship. However, the primary one(s) most greatly influence the level of positive feelings you have toward each other.

Five Love Languages (Gary Chapin)

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

a. Encouraging Words

b. Kind Words

c. Speaking to the Positive Intent of Action

Love Language #2: Receiving Gifts

a. Give meaningful things

b. Things that matter to them, even it not to you

c. Things that reflect their values, no necessarily yours

Love Language #3: Acts of Service

a. Actions that you know they would LIKE for you to do for them

b. Actions taken without resentment

c. Actions taken with gratitude

Love Language #4: Quality Time

a. Undividing attention

b. Not just being in same room

c. Regularly and often in various settings

Love Language #5: Physical Touching

a. Regular and often

b. Appropriate to the one being touched

c. Safe touch, not intrusive, leading nowhere but that moment of physical connection and not thinking of future

Rank order these choices for yourself and your partner by putting a number (1-5) beside each one. If you change your mind, don’t erase, but mark out and put the new number beside it. This is for self-discover and conversation. There are not wrong answers. After rating yourself and partner, have them do the same and then take and discover more about your past, your present, and how you would like to live your future.

Me_____________________ You____________________

#1: Words of Affirmation #1: Words of Affirmation

#2: Quality Time #2: Quality Time

#3: Receiving Gifts #3: Receiving Gifts

#4: Acts of Service #4: Acts of Service

#5: Physical Touching #5: Physical Touching

Your primary love language is your Relationship Sweet Spot, meaning if this is the number one way that if your partner expresses love to you, you will feel close to him or her. This raises your sentiment toward each other in a positive direction. 

If it isn't, even if the others are done often, you will develop a sense of distance from them, and them from you, which will eventually create an underlying resentment toward them. This lowers your relationship sentiment toward each other.

All the languages are needed in a relationship. However, the primary one(s) most greatly influence the level of positive feelings you have toward each other.

The Five Basic Apologies (Gary Chapman)

Everyone has a PRIMARY Apology language.

If you don't express the apology in THEIR particular language, they will question your sincerity!

The key is to learn what apology means the person, and speak it when you seek to apologize.

Apology Language #1:

Expression of Regret

"I am so sorry" "I feel badly that I have hurt you."

Apology Language #2:

Accepting Responsibility

"I was wrong. I should not have done that." "There is no excuse for what I did."

(no "buts", that shifts the responsibility back on them.)

Apology Language

#3: Making Restitution

"What can I do to make this up to you? What can I do to make this right?" "I value this relationship."

 

Apology Language #4:

Repenting or Expressing Desire to Change Behavior

"I don't like what I did, I don't want to do that again. Let's talk so I can find a way to not do this again." "A plan for change."

 

Apology Language #5:

Requesting Forgiveness

"Will you forgive me?" "Please forgive me"

Rank order these choices for yourself and your partner by putting a number (1-5) beside each one. If you change your mind, don’t erase, but mark out and put the new number beside it. This is for self-discover and conversation. There are not wrong answers. After rating yourself and partner, have them do the same and then take and discover more about your past, your present, and how you would like to live your future.

Me_____________________ You____________________

#1: Expression of Regret                          #1: Expression of Regret

#2: Accepting Responsibility                   #2: Accepting Responsibility

#3: Making Restitution                             #3: Making Restitution

#4: Expressing Desire to Change              #4: Expressing Desire to Change

#5: Requesting Forgiveness                      #5: Physical Touching

Your primary apology language is the number one way you feel cared about when you feel hurt by your partner. This increases your willingness to let go and forgive. 

If it isn't, even if the others are done often, you will develop a sense of distance from them, and them from you, which will eventually create an underlying resentment toward them. This lowers your relationship sentiment toward each other.

The primary apology language for you and then your spouse, most greatly influences the level of positive sentiment you have toward each other when dealing with the inevitable hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and relationship conflict.

Why We Focus On The Wrong Things

Even when we know better, we act in irrational ways. We worry about problems that will likely never arise, and we care what complete strangers think of us —people we have never met before and will never meet again. We criticize and beat ourselves up over small mistakes, even though we know such condemnation isn’t helpful.  The mind is full of quirks and flaws, and much of what we think and do is not logical. When we look at our evolutionary past, however, things start to make sense.

Our ancestors lived in small tribes surrounded by the challenges of the environment — dangerous animals lurked nearby and hostile neighbors competed for resources. When people worked together to manage threats and challenges, they were more likely to produce children and pass on their genes to future generations.  But this required sensitivity to signs of danger, something established instinctively as well as through contrition and associative learning.

Identifying signs of danger through association is a primeval strategy for animals, and there’s been plenty of time to perfect it.  Using language to avoid threats — I saw a beast at the river, so watch out — is a more recent and uniquely human skill.  We’ve had  a few hundred years to refine this ability, with might have been enough, but our cognitive abilities keep changing our world at light speed.

We live in a different world than our grandparents did, and that is due to large part to symbolic language and its expansion into verbal problem-solving. That computer in our pocket is only one example. Because of such, our mental skills are now greatly overextending our primitive abilities to detect and respond to danger  With this insight, many of our modern emotional difficulties become clear.

Here are ways we struggle emotionally:.

1. IMAGINING DANGER AND PREDICTING THE WORST

We often struggle with negative fearsome thoughts. We are quick to see danger and assume that the worst is yet to come.  Negative thinking, it seems makes life harder and more difficult than it is.  In our day-to-day lives, we are safer than ever before, but we’ve never felt as threatened— for example by mass shootings and constant insecurity. It is not hard to imagine every stranger we see at night as a violent criminal.

In an evolutionary time frame, however, detecting possible danger was critical to survival for you and your tribe. Suppose you see a fuzzy round shape in the near distance. You can be a positive thinker and assume that it’s just a big rock and go on your way. Or, you can be a negative thinker and assume the worst: It’s a bear waiting to eat you.

If you make a mistake as a negative thinker, it’s no big deal. You get scared, change your route, and that’s about it. If, however, you make a mistake as a positive thinker, and the rock turns out to be a bear, you become lunch.  Negative thinking is the better strategy, which is why you and I descend from a long line of negative thinkers and sentinels of danger. 

The problem now is that the vast majority of our “dangers” are cognitively created. We worry about almost everything. If we cannot rein in the negative fear based thinking, our natural tendency to detect and avoid danger can overwhelm our ability to live life.

2. RUMINATING ABOUT THE PAST

We often chew over hurtful memories. We remember when we said something embarrassing or when we felt most vulnerable or hurt.  And even though the incident happened long ago, we still feel the sting of it as if it occurred yesterday.  The mind makes us relive the pain again and again, whether we like it or not.

For our ancestors, rehearsing past dangers likely helped them avoid future peril. Suppose they encountered a dangerous animal and barely got away. It would be useful to replay the experience in their had and review their brush with death in detail — what they did wrong, or what they could have done differently . It might better prepare them for the next face-to-face meeting with a wild animal. To some degree, rumination likely increased our ancestors chance of survival.

As mental problem-solvers, we ruminate over more and more things: slights, fears about health and abilities, or the possible sources of our struggles.

3. WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

We often worry about our reputations. We worry about status and what other people might say about us. Because of this worry, we set up rules for what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.  We invent rules for what we are “supposed” to wear, what we are “supposed” to think and feel.

But in prehistoric times, worrying about reputation was good for survival. Humans are extremely vulnerable on they own, and if our ancestors want to survive, they needed to ensure their position within the group. By recognizing their impact on others, their ability to cooperate — and to survive — increased. Social sensitivity was a benefit.

4. FEELING NOT GOOD ENOUGH

We frequently compare ourselves, and our achievements, to others.  And when we fall short of our expectations, which inevitably happens, we are quick to beat ourselves up.  We see our shortcomings as failures of character and conclude that we are simply not good enough, leaving us feeling hurt and vulnerable.

Four our ancestors what matters most was not whether people felt good about themselves, or whether they outperformed everyone else. What truly mattered was whether they could work together to survive. Some degree of self-comparison was likely.

Today, self-comparison and self-criticism can reach outlandish lengthens. For one thing, we no longer compare ourselves exclusively to our clan members but to Photoshopped images, the rich and famous, and even fictional characters with fantastic life stories. It’s no wonder that feelings of insecurity have been on the rise.

5. ALWAYS NEEDING MORE

We never seem satisfied with what we have. We are always chasing the next big thing, hoping it will give us the fulfillment and happiness we have yearned for. Unfortunately, the moment we achieve a goal, our newfound happiness quickly tarnishes.  The newly acquired car becomes just a car, and we turn our eyes to the next item.  The need for more is a recipe for greed and suffering.

In prehistoric times, however, acquiring more things was absolutely essential.  In an unpredictable environment, more food more weapons, and more of any resource could be vital for survival. 

WHAT CAN AND CAN’T CHANGE

Our brains and behavioral predisposition were not developed for the challenges of the 21st century with its steady media diet of frightening events and social comparisons. Why do we do the things we do? The mind is trying to solve an ancient problem of safety and belonging, using mental cognitions that were not designed for the modern world.

We have evolved to think this way. We will not stop thinking about what might go wrong in the near or distant future. Nor will we be able to consistently resist the urge to ruminate, worry about people’s opinion of us, compare ourselves to others, and yearn for more.

We can learn to change the relationship we have with ourselves.  We can learn to worry and think painful thought without getting caught up in them. Instead of being scared by our inner mental life and letting it dominate our actions, we can recognize it for what it is and refocus on what actually matters. This will take time, patience and practice. 

When you find yourself obsessing  over unpleasant thoughts and feelings, take a deep breath and ask how a struggle like this could have helped your distant ancestors. It might bring a greater sense of self-comparison (kindness and mercy). More often than not, you may find that your problem-solving mind is just trying to keep you safe. Gently turn inward and use self compassion!

Step-by-Step Infidelity Recovery Resources From Researched Based Approaches

What to Do After an Affair (part 1)

So, you are telling me… that you cheated on me?”

My partner’s words came trembling out of her mouth in utter disbelief at what I had just announced.

I shamefully nodded my head and agreed. I had just woefully informed my partner I cheated on her. She would never have found out, but I wanted to own up to my mistake. I sadly reassured my partner that my actions were wrong and I was deeply apologetic.

After a long, unsettling silence, we both agreed we still wanted to work things out and be together. We started to brainstorm and research ways to recover from infidelity since our trust had been broken.

After a few days, my partner suggested a book we could both read to help us navigate through the cheating. She proposed the book “What Makes Love Last?”by Dr. John Gottman, an American psychological researcher who did extensive work on divorce prediction, marital stability, and recovery from infidelity.

We each purchased the book and began our tedious journey to recover from the breach of trust.

Moving past an affair

Betrayal is an awful experience.

Trust is such a vital piece of romantic relationships and an act of disloyalty can heavily tarnish that belief of reliability, ability, or strength.

Take it from me. Recovering from cheating (infidelity) is an onerous task that entails a lot of stress, anxiety, and emotional strain. It is extremely taxing but it could be worth it for the right relationship.

My partner and I implemented the tips from the book to heal from my mistake and after a great deal of time, our trust in each other started to rebuild. I truly do believe a relationship could be saved after an act of infidelity.

We want to pass along our experience using Gottman’s approach for recovering from infidelity to help other couples going through something similar.

Our first steps in recovering from my cheating were to understand why it happened, whether we could save the relationship, and if future infidelity could be avoided.

But let’s begin by looking at what exactly caused me to cheat.

The making of a cheater

Gottman states that people often say cheating comes out of nowhere, but usually the person who cheats heads down a slow, undetected pathway before the physical cheating actually occurs.

We learned that often, cheating is due to deficiencies in the relationship that leads one partner to feel lonely and devalued. Gottman insists that a partner feeling this way is typically caused by couples dismissing or turning away from each other’s emotions over time.

Some examples of turning away could be when my partner was distracted by her phone or laptop while I was giving an emotional bid—an attempt for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.

She would completely ignore what I would say, disregard my response or interrupt me while I gave the bid for personal connection.

When my partner constantly turned away from building a connection, I developed a really toxic behavior—negative comparisons.

A negative comparison is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a harmful comparison of one’s partner to someone else. For example, when I was bickering with or feeling scorned by my partner, I would find myself comparing these interactions (negatively) to the positive attention I received from the people I met, friends, or just about anyone else in my life.

“Wow, look at her smiling at me and laughing at my jokes. I bet if I was with her, I wouldn’t be so stressed out all the time from the trivial arguments I have with my partner.”

Because I frequently engaged in a series of negative comparisons like the one above, I began to tell myself the story that I would be happier with someone else.

Gottman declares that when a person spirals down this route, they begin to focus on their partner’s negative traits and downplay their positive traits. The more times a person is caught up in negative thoughts about the relationship, the more often negative comparisons are triggered—and the door for potential cheating opens wider.

After a constant stream of negative comparisons in my head, a reversal in the way of how I understood or interpreted my partner in the relationship’s timeline commenced. My partner’s traits such as “extremely loving” or “affectionate” began to sour into “controlling” and “really needy.” I subsequently began to rationalize to myself why I was not at fault and my partner was responsible for how bad or alone I felt.

Resentment built up, I was primed to be disloyal. Then, I crossed the line.

Is the relationship worth saving?

After the act of unfaithfulness, how did we decide if the relationship should be mended and rescued?

After all, not all relationships should be saved following an affair. The act of cheating is an alarming sign that one or both partners may not be ready to be in a committed relationship.

In order to find if the relationship should be saved, both of us had to be honest with ourselves and answer some questions to help decide if we should continue the relationship after the affair.

Gottman provides questionnaires in his book to help readers discover the likelihood of the relationship surviving following an affair.

My partner and I sat down and meticulously answered each of the questions from the appropriate questionnaire in the book.

Here are some questions provided by Stephen Vertucci, an expert divorce attorney, that we also considered in assessing if the relationship could be saved.

Are you interested in making amends? Or are you willing to leave your partner?

Will you be able to let go of their anger and resentment towards your partner and move forward?

Can you imagine being happy with your partner despite what they did?

Upon completion of all these questions, we reviewed our answers and determined if we should end the relationship or proceed forward. Our results showed we had a high chance for our romantic relationship to be restored and we decided to move ahead with the steps to recover.

This step was a vital step to take to assess if our relationship had a shot of recovering from my deceitful act.

If I had mixed feelings about continuing the relationship, it would probably have been best to end the relationship. Maybe my betrayed partner could have said she was not able to forgive me, the disloyal person, and we would simply decide to walk away from the relationship.

Regardless, we knew it was better to decide if the relationship can be salvaged first before we began the arduous journey to rebuild the relationship. We could have both realized that it was best to go our separate ways.

Since we decided that the relationship is worth saving, we sought out the help of a skilled professional to guide us through these complex issues. My partner and I used a relationship counselor and it was extremely beneficial. Having a mediator to discuss the problem at hand, without going off-topic and attacking or interrupting each other, was critical to our recovery.

A relationship counselor has the skills and training to listen and offer practical insights to improve the situation. Having a licensed professional was different from just discussing the issues with our friends. Our friends could listen and provide emotional support but could be biased or may even get sick of constantly supporting us.

After we decided the relationship was worth saving, we began to evaluate the likelihood of cheating in the future.

Would I cheat again?

How did we know if I would engage in infidelity again in the future?

Well, Gottman provides two proven questionnaires to assist us in determining if there is a higher risk for future betrayals. His method helped us determine if there was a greater risk for unfaithfulness between my partner and me.

Some warning signs for cheating again may include if a partner:

Does not view cheating as wrong, immoral, or unethical

Has a casual, dismissive perspective on the cheating

Does not take responsibility for what happened

Has a long history of lies and deception

Cannot communicate openly and is very secretive

Refuses or cannot empathize with the pain and distrust caused by cheating

Of course, there are no guarantees that I would cheat again, however, we could evaluate some signs that indicate that it may not be best to continue the relationship because I showed a higher risk for cheating in the future. Since I showed that I was less likely to cheat again based on the results of the questionnaires, we decided to move forward in our journey to recovery.

The journey to restoring trust

After my partner and I worked through and determined the relationship was worth saving and that we had a low enough risk of cheating in the future, we focused on rebuilding the broken trust in the relationship.

Again, trust is such an integral part of a relationship. Without trust, two people cannot be at ease with each other and the relationship will undoubtedly lack stability. My partner and I knew that since trust was such a big part of a relationship, it was going to be a rugged journey ahead.

We put our doubts aside and implemented the blueprint laid out in the Gottman Trust Revival method from the book.

Reviving Trust After an Affair (part 2) 

Never in a million years would I have thought I’d cheat on my romantic partner.

I always scorned people who cheat for their lack of self-control and their selfishness. I would harp about the importance of loyalty in relationships and preach good virtues—and then I went and cheated.

I was puzzled. Confused at how I could do an act that I vehemently and firmly stood against…

What’s wrong with me? Do I really just lack self-control? Or was I just a steaming pile of turds?

After I cheated, I shamefully owned up to it with my romantic partner. We decided that we wanted to continue the relationship and were recommended the book, What Makes Love Last? By John Gottman, an American psychological researcher who specializes in divorce prediction and marital stability, to help us recover from the act of infidelity.

We took the initial steps laid out in the book to decide if we should part ways following the affair. We analyzed if our relationship was worth saving and examined if I had a higher probability of not cheating again. Upon completion of that process, we decided to move forward with the steps to rebuild trust.

My partner and I employed Gottman’s Trust Revival Method from the book as a blueprint to move forward from the adultery.

Gottman’s Trust Revival Method

The Gottman’s Trust Revival Method is a three-phase process that is derived from his experience as a counselor helping couples recover from infidelity. His approach has been tested and produces a fairly high success rate among couples to heal after an affair. There is no specific time frame for completing the process.

The three phases in Gottman’s Trust Revival Method are: Atone, Attune and Attach.

Phase 1: Atone

After informing my partner of the cheating, my partner expelled all of her internalized anger, sadness and disappointment towards me. For many months, in fact. She was especially relentless with her criticisms and reminders of my past mistakes.

In this phase for recovery, according to the Gottman Method, it is the cheater’s responsibility to take fault as well as make amends and reparation for their actions.

The betrayer must accept full responsibility and patiently deal with the repercussions of their mistake while being non-defensive. Making amends cannot happen if the cheater is blaming the other person for their cheating, making excuses, or retaliating for why they cheated.

They must take all the blame.

Period.

The partner who was betrayed will have trust issues and will be triggered often. They will bring up cheating often. In this phase, they betrayed partner will sometimes get really caught up in their hurt and anger.

Honestly, this was the hardest phase to get through for us. It was an extremely stressful period. The everyday reminders of my cheating and the verbal lashes I received from my partner made it seem as if it would never get better. Threats of getting a divorcebecame routine. The cheating would come up in every argument or disagreement we had. My partner leveraged the cheating to win or get ahead in any argument or altercation. Even when she requested for things unrelated to the affair.

It was her “ace in the hole” to take advantage of any situation. Putting my head down and handling the strain derived from my actions was very exhausting. There were so many times where I felt like I wanted to pull my hair out and just give up. This step was definitely a test of our relationship’s resilience.

This rough patch got better after we applied the Gottman Trust Revival Method.

Before implementing Gottman’s approach of Atone, I would rationalize why I cheated whenever my partner lashed out at me. Her attacks often led me to make my own cutting retorts. I naturally felt the need to defend myself whenever the rampant angry outbursts came my way.

However, after I began to use Gottman’s method, I handled my partner’s release of strong emotions in a much calmer way. Whenever these raging outbreaks happened, I would simply take full responsibility for what I did and apologize for hurting her. It was difficult for me to do this at times because her anger sometimes felt overwhelming. After I accepted full responsibility for my actions, however, her verbal attacks gradually came up less frequently.

Although the cheater should take all the blame, Gottman insists that the person who was betrayed has a pivotal role as well.

They must be open to forgiving their partner.

If the cheater is putting in the effort to make up for their wrongdoing, the wounded partner must be able to be willing to forgive and cooperate if they want to move past the deceitful deed.

Get it all out on the table

In order for the wounded partner to accept and move past what happened, they must get all the answers to why it happened in the first place.

The cheater must be transparent about why it happened with that particular person, and give the details of where and how it happened. This can be an extremely uncomfortable conversation. Providing full disclosure will lead to a lot of agonies but it is necessary so the hurt partner can forgive their significant other.

My partner sought out all the details regarding my cheating so she could feel more at ease with the events that occurred.

Again, it is really useful to have a therapist lead these conversations. The partner who was cheated on can easily get overwhelmed and verbally attack their partner if there is no mediator guiding the conversations.

Having an actual talk about working together to better the relationship is much more pleasant and productive when you are not at each other’s throats.

It is vital that both partners understand why the cheating happened—and a therapist can help expedite the process.

The proof is in the pudding for fidelity

You can tell your partner again and again that you would not have an affair any more until your lungs give out!

But unless you show it through your actions, the wounded partner will remain distrustful.

So, how do you show your partner that you would not cheat on them again?

Gottman asserts that you can rebuild trust by providing the hurt partner with transparent reassurance of where you are or what you are doing at all times. This includes giving them access to your “personal life” i.e. credit card records, phone messages, daily calendars, etc.

It may seem over the top or might feel like an invasion of privacy. It did to me.

At first, I was very against it and I felt like I still had a right to my privacy. Initially, I refused to share my messages or my phone’s location. But eventually, I conceded and it has since paid dividends.

During this phase, I made a strong effort to keep my word. This meant that if I told my partner where I was or what time I was going to meet her, I was going to be there at the correct time and not somewhere else.

One of the hardest parts for me during this phase was being on a short leash. I absolutely despised it. I loathed having to regularly tell my partner where I was at all times of the day. If I missed or forgot to notify my partner of my whereabouts at any time during the day, I would be harshly criticized.

I felt imprisoned.

As discouraged as I was during this time, I knew I was responsible for the situation and I begrudgingly accepted my lack of freedom. My partner had my phone’s location, so she had an idea of where I was at all times and she would often ask to see my direct messages on my social media accounts. It gave her peace of mind that I was not going to cheat again.

The wounded partner really must feel a sense of security that the affair would not happen again and receive constant proof of their partner being faithful.

The partner who cheated must sacrifice some of their privacy and activities such as late-night partying or bar stops for a while until after the trust is rebuilt.

Again, the hurt partner must be open to forgiveness and be patient with their partner, be willing to cooperate. What the cheater did was wrong, but they are doing their best to change their behavior.

Phase 2: Attune

In this phase of the revival method, after couples can possibly reach some forgiveness, the focus turns to building a new relationship.

Both partners must understand that there were some needs not getting met and problems with the old relationship. Now, the couples must turn the attention to fixing that and coming up with a new strategy for getting each other’s needs met.

Couples can develop a more sound approach through attunement.

Attunement, as defined by Dr. John Gottman, is the desire and the ability to understand and respect your partner’s inner world. Gottman asserts that sharing vulnerabilities stops either partner from feeling lonely or invisible.

There are a number of tactics and approaches laid out by Gottman in What Makes Love Last? to help couples better navigate through conflict and sharing emotions to build trust between partners.

One of the methods is to set a designated time every day for you both to ask each other how your day was. This is an effective method for building trust, checking in with each other, and reconnecting.

Here’s how my partner and I used this approach. We would make it a point to share and have more discussions about each other’s feelings. We made attempts to eliminate “you” statements i.e. “you are so selfish” and replace them with “I feel” statements such as “I feel angry and disappointed when you get up and leave during an argument.”

We would also check-in and ask open-ended questions on how we were each feeling when one of us seemed upset or bothered. Open-ended questions were essential because they unlocked the way for us to share our thoughts and feelings instead of giving us the option to shut down the conversation before it even has a chance to begin. For example, instead of saying, “are you angry with me?” we asked, “You look a little upset—what’s up?”

It is pretty easy to fall down the slippery slope of attacking each other or being passive-aggressive in discussions following cheating. These tactics helped us create a more pleasant and effective atmosphere for debate.

Sharing emotions and being more cognizant of each other’s feelings made us feel more connected. I have to add, being vulnerable with each other is a key aspect in this phase.

What I struggled with in this phase was learning how to open up and share my emotions. Our culture in the States has taught men to hide and not express our feelings. Traditional masculinity told me I was weak if I did. I just wasn’t used to talking about my emotions and it made me feel uncomfortable.

Also, I often came from a place of logic and problem-solving. I habitually tried to resolve issues in lieu of sharing how I felt. I used to get so annoyed whenever my partner vented to me. After quite some time, I learned that she was just expressing to me how she felt and was not looking for a solution.

After using this approach, we’re able to understand and convey our feelings better. I’ve slowly improved my ability to explain my emotions. It has helped us to better communicate and rebuild the confidence in our relationship.

Vulnerability requires a lot of courage. A therapist can help you healthily express your feelings better, and get you in the habit of exposing vulnerable emotions. Being vulnerable with each other requires each partner expressing their deeper thoughts, feelings, and desires. This step really began to build up a lot of trust between my partner and me. Fully opening up to my partner about my insecurities, fears, and aspirations helped us feel more connected.

Attunement builds intimacy and will ultimately boost trust in the relationship.

Phase 3: Attach

The final stage for trust revival deals with sex.

An essential subject to talk about after a physical affair.

This topic may feel especially burdensome to talk about because the betrayed partner may naturally feel anger, resentment, and fear when they talk about physical intimacy.

My partner personally had a very hard time engaging in physical intimacy because she felt I was tainted. She could not have sex with me without the image of my past mistake popping up in her head.

Sexual intimacy that is pleasurable to both partners is a necessary component for the relationship to start again.

In order to move past this trauma, Gottman advises a steady diet of intimate conversations talking about sex. In the attunement phase, you discuss very personal and intimate topics. Now, in the final phase, you sprinkle in discussions about sex to discover your partner’s feelings, attitudes, and preferences in bed.

Having enjoyable, intimate sex requires good communication. Partners are not going to have much satisfying sex if they have a hard time talking about their desires. Practice asking your partner what they like in bed.

Some examples of questions to ask each other are:

What areas do you like to be kissed?

What makes sex more romantic for you?

What’s your favorite part of my body?

Where do you like to be touched the most?

Would you be interested in using sex toys?

Do you believe you are a good kisser?

Give me the details on how you want me to initiate sex?

What is your favorite position?

What is a fantasy in bed that turns you on?

What do you like to see me wear or not wear?

How often do you masturbate?

What instantly turns you on?

Gottman lays out a large variety of questions on a number of sex topics along with questions laid out in What Makes Love Last? that you can easily reference.

We tried mixing sexual topics into our day-to-day conversations. Both of us would inquire about each other’s sexual preferences by asking intimate questions. Again, what was difficult about this phase was that my partner struggled with being engaged during sex. The thought of me cheating clouded her head. She shuddered at the idea of me having sex with another person.

Gottman’s approach was helpful because these conversations slowly mended and deepened our emotional connection. We would have fun, lighthearted talks about our sexual preferences and how we could meet each other’s needs.

After a healthy daily dose of communication with my partner about sexual preferences, pleasures, and desires, we were able to enjoy sex again. These conversations of our sexual needs gave us the spark we needed to reignite the passion in the bedroom without being hindered by my past mistakes.

Learning to communicate about sex is an important skill to make progress towards couples overcoming betrayal.

Here’s to restoring relationships after an affair

Our society perceives cheating as a simple lack of discipline or moral ethics in the face of sexual temptation…

In actuality, research shows that the majority of affairs are not caused by lust. If a relationship is strong and each partner is getting their needs met, there is no temptation for lust outside of their partner.

If your relationship is not getting your needs met, better communicating and working together with your partner is a much safer route to take than cheating to try to fix things.

It does take a lot of effort to overcome infidelity, but if you and your partner are up for it, I wish you both the best on your journey!

Gottman Trust Revival Method: Atone Attune Attach

"Not Just Friends" Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

Not Just Friends: Is Your Relationship Too Friendly Quiz?

Compassionate Communication Do’s and Don’ts from Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass

Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so tr...

Can couples recover from an affair? In this brief video clip, Julie Gottman describes each phase of the Gottman Trust Revival Method, for guiding couples re...

Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of Seattle's Gottman Institute, studies relationships in order to better understand what makes love last. He has found that ther...

The renowned marriage expert explains how trust may be the most vital ingredient to a successful relationship.

The renowned marriage expert explains that couples build trust in the small moments of a relationship, when we're emotionally attuned to our partner.Learn mo...

The Stages of Actual Change: There's A Hole In My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson

(Autobiography in Five Chapters, from There's A Hole In My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson)

Chapter One

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost . . . I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in . . . it’s a habit . . . but,

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

5 Life-Altering Lessons From Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability

Brown has published an audiobook titled after that first TED talk which “draws from all three of my books-it’s the culmination of everything I’ve learned over the past 12 years.”

Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.

– Brené Brown

Whether you’re new to Brown’s work and incredible research or you’re looking for a quick, digestible summary of the most important lessons, look no further.

Here are five life-altering lessons from Brené Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability.

1. Don’t bottle up your emotions, become self-aware

Most of us were taught to hide our emotions or run away from them. However, this causes nothing but continuous pain and stress. The consequences are far-reaching and the longer we keep those emotions bottled up, the worse the situation gets.

Instead, Brown says we need to become more self-aware and explore our emotions, asking questions to get in touch with how we’re feeling and thinking in a given moment.

Find a method for coxing these feelings out which works best for you such as writing, meditation, or talking to a friend.

2. Vulnerability takes courage

Most modern cultures err on the side of suppressed feelings in an effort to display strength. However, as Brown demonstrates in her pivotal research, vulnerability is anything but weakness. In fact, it takes true strength and courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

The cool part about it, though, is the gifts we unlock by being willing to be vulnerable far outweigh the difficulty in doing so. By having the courage to be vulnerable and open up to ourselves and the world around us we come directly in touch with our most authentic self. And, in doing so, can live a much more fulfilling and happier life.

3. Show up, face fear, and move forward

In everything that we do, fear and criticism will always be there to greet us. Fear is the great restrictive force, as it stops most people from ever stepping more than one foot outside their comfort zone towards realizing their true desires.

Because fear and criticism will always be there in some form, the best course of action is always to show up anyway and move forward. No matter what you’re doing, show up every day to do what you were meant to do and don’t let these hindrances stop you.

The more you stand up to these negative forces, the more you’ll flex your courage and resilience and come out stronger for it.

4. Seek excellence, not perfection

Brown says perfectionism is, “the belief that if we live perfectly, look perfectly and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.”

Perfectionism isn’t about growth, improvement, or personal achievement, it’s about fear and avoidance. Therefore, what you should really be focused on is realizing excellence, the best version of yourself despite your flaws. This perspective is healthy and inclusive and leads to real personal growth as opposed to a flawed perfectionism.

5. Dare to be yourself

The final and perhaps most important lesson of all is that you must dare to be yourself– at whatever the cost.

The forces of fear, insecurity, and doubt will never go away no matter how hard you try to avoid, hide from, or attempt to bury them. Instead, face them with courage and confidence in your authentic self and know that you’ve been given the gifts necessary to overcome whatever is in front of you.

Dare to be yourself in all your glory– your strengths, skills, and beauty as well as your flaws and insecurities. In doing so, you can realize true strength of spirit.

Visit http://TED.com to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized talk recommendations and more.Brené Brown studies human ...

Cognitive Dissonance, Mental Biases and Health Choices

Cognitive Dissonance

Why human beings twists what is happening around their beliefs, instead of allowing what is happening to inform their beliefs

When Behavior and Beliefs Disagree 

By Kendra Cherry  Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD on July 18, 2019

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cognitive-dissonance-2795012

The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feelings of discomfort that result when your beliefs run counter to your behaviors and/or new information that is presented to you.1 People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so when what you hold true is challenged or what you do doesn't jibe with what you think, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance (lack of agreement). A classic example of this is "explaining something away."

Definition

Psychologist Leon Festinger first proposed a theory of cognitive dissonance centered on how people try to reach internal consistency.2 He suggested that people have an inner need to ensure that their beliefs and behaviors are consistent. Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs lead to disharmony, which people strive to avoid.

In his 1957 book, A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger explained, "Cognitive dissonance can be seen as an antecedent condition which leads to activity oriented toward dissonance reduction just as hunger leads toward activity oriented toward hunger reduction. It is a very different motivation from what psychologists are used to dealing with but, as we shall see, nonetheless powerful."2

Influential Factors

The degree of dissonance people experience can depend on a few different factors, including how highly they value a particular belief and the degree to which their beliefs are inconsistent.

The overall strength of the dissonance can also be influenced by several factors: 

• Cognitions that are more personal, such as beliefs about the self, tend to result in greater dissonance.

• The importance of the cognitions; things that involve beliefs that are highly valued typically result in stronger dissonance.

• The ratio between dissonant (clashing) thoughts and consonant (harmonious) thoughts

• The greater the strength of the dissonance, the more pressure there is to relieve the feelings of discomfort.2

Cognitive dissonance can often have a powerful influence on our behaviors and actions.

Examples

Cognitive dissonance can occur in many areas of life, but it is particularly evident in situations where an individual's behavior conflicts with beliefs that are integral to his or her self-identity. A common example of cognitive dissonance occurs in the purchasing decisions we make on a regular basis.2 Consider a situation in which a man who places a value on being environmentally responsible just purchased a new car that he later discovers does not get great gas mileage.

• It is important for the man to take care of the environment.

• He is driving a car that is not environmentally friendly.

In order to reduce this dissonance between belief and behavior, he can sell the car and purchase another one that gets better gas mileage, or he can reduce his emphasis on environmental responsibility. In the case of the second option, his dissonance could be further minimized by engaging in actions that reduce the impact of driving a gas-guzzling vehicle, such as utilizing public transportation more frequently or riding his bike to work.

Most people want to hold the belief that they make good choices. When a purchase turns out badly, it conflicts with their previously-existing belief about their decision-making abilities.

In A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger offers an example of how an individual might deal with dissonance related to a health behavior by discussing individuals who continue to smoke, even though they know it is bad for their health.

According to Festinger, a person might decide that they value smoking more than health, deeming the behavior "worth it" in terms of risks versus rewards.2

Another way to deal with this dissonance is to minimize the potential drawbacks. The smoker might convince himself that the negative health effects have been overstated. He might also assuage his health concerns by telling himself that he cannot avoid every possible risk out there.2

Festinger suggested that the smoker might try to convince himself that if he does stop smoking then he will gain weight, which also presents health risks. By using such explanations, the smoker is able to reduce the dissonance and continue the behavior.

Common Reactions

When there are conflicts between cognitions (thoughts, beliefs, opinions), people will take steps to reduce the dissonance and feelings of discomfort. They can go about doing this a few different ways:

• Focus on more supportive beliefs that outweigh the dissonant belief or behavior. People who learn that greenhouse emissions result in global warming might experience feelings of dissonance if they drive a gas-guzzling vehicle. In order to reduce this dissonance, they might seek out new information that disputes the connection between greenhouse gasses and global warming. This new information might serve to reduce the discomfort and dissonance that the person experiences.

• Reduce the importance of the conflicting belief. A man who cares about his health might be disturbed to learn that sitting for long periods of time during the day is linked to a shortened lifespan. Since he has to work all day in an office and spends a great deal of time sitting, it is difficult to change his behavior in order to reduce his feelings of dissonance. In order to deal with the feelings of discomfort, he might instead find some way to justify his behavior by believing that his other healthy behaviors—like eating sensibly and occasionally exercising—make up for his largely sedentary lifestyle.

• Change the conflicting belief so that it is consistent with other beliefs or behaviors. Changing the conflicting cognition is one of the most effective ways of dealing with dissonance, but it is also one of the most difficult, particularly in the case of deeply held values and beliefs, such as religious or political leanings.2

A Word From Verywell

Cognitive dissonance plays a role in many value judgments, decisions, and evaluations. Becoming aware of how conflicting beliefs impact the decision-making process is a great way to improve your ability to make faster and more accurate choices.3 Mismatches between your beliefs and your actions can lead to feelings of discomfort (and, sometimes, coping choices that have negative impacts), but such feelings can also sometimes lead to change and growth.

For example, if you believe that exercise is important for your health but you rarely make time for physical activity, you may experience cognitive dissonance. This resulting discomfort may lead you to seek relief by increasing the amount of exercise you get each week. In this instance, altering your behavior to increase consistency with your belief and reduce the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing can play a positive role in your life and health.

The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feelings of discomfort that result when your beliefs run counter to your behaviors and/or new information that is presented to you.1 People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so when what you hold true is challenged or what you do doesn't jibe with what you think, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance (lack of agreement). A classic example of this is "explaining something away."

Definition

Psychologist Leon Festinger first proposed a theory of cognitive dissonance centered on how people try to reach internal consistency.2 He suggested that people have an inner need to ensure that their beliefs and behaviors are consistent. Inconsistent or conflicting beliefs lead to disharmony, which people strive to avoid.

In his 1957 book, A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger explained, "Cognitive dissonance can be seen as an antecedent condition which leads to activity oriented toward dissonance reduction just as hunger leads toward activity oriented toward hunger reduction. It is a very different motivation from what psychologists are used to dealing with but, as we shall see, nonetheless powerful."2

Influential Factors

The degree of dissonance people experience can depend on a few different factors, including how highly they value a particular belief and the degree to which their beliefs are inconsistent.

The overall strength of the dissonance can also be influenced by several factors: 

• Cognitions that are more personal, such as beliefs about the self, tend to result in greater dissonance.

• The importance of the cognitions; things that involve beliefs that are highly valued typically result in stronger dissonance.

• The ratio between dissonant (clashing) thoughts and consonant (harmonious) thoughts

• The greater the strength of the dissonance, the more pressure there is to relieve the feelings of discomfort.2

Cognitive dissonance can often have a powerful influence on our behaviors and actions.

Examples

Cognitive dissonance can occur in many areas of life, but it is particularly evident in situations where an individual's behavior conflicts with beliefs that are integral to his or her self-identity. A common example of cognitive dissonance occurs in the purchasing decisions we make on a regular basis.2 Consider a situation in which a man who places a value on being environmentally responsible just purchased a new car that he later discovers does not get great gas mileage.

• It is important for the man to take care of the environment.

• He is driving a car that is not environmentally friendly.

In order to reduce this dissonance between belief and behavior, he can sell the car and purchase another one that gets better gas mileage, or he can reduce his emphasis on environmental responsibility. In the case of the second option, his dissonance could be further minimized by engaging in actions that reduce the impact of driving a gas-guzzling vehicle, such as utilizing public transportation more frequently or riding his bike to work.

Most people want to hold the belief that they make good choices. When a purchase turns out badly, it conflicts with their previously-existing belief about their decision-making abilities.

In A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance, Festinger offers an example of how an individual might deal with dissonance related to a health behavior by discussing individuals who continue to smoke, even though they know it is bad for their health.

According to Festinger, a person might decide that they value smoking more than health, deeming the behavior "worth it" in terms of risks versus rewards.2

Another way to deal with this dissonance is to minimize the potential drawbacks. The smoker might convince himself that the negative health effects have been overstated. He might also assuage his health concerns by telling himself that he cannot avoid every possible risk out there.2

Festinger suggested that the smoker might try to convince himself that if he does stop smoking then he will gain weight, which also presents health risks. By using such explanations, the smoker is able to reduce the dissonance and continue the behavior.

Common Reactions

When there are conflicts between cognitions (thoughts, beliefs, opinions), people will take steps to reduce the dissonance and feelings of discomfort. They can go about doing this a few different ways:

• Focus on more supportive beliefs that outweigh the dissonant belief or behavior. People who learn that greenhouse emissions result in global warming might experience feelings of dissonance if they drive a gas-guzzling vehicle. In order to reduce this dissonance, they might seek out new information that disputes the connection between greenhouse gasses and global warming. This new information might serve to reduce the discomfort and dissonance that the person experiences.

• Reduce the importance of the conflicting belief. A man who cares about his health might be disturbed to learn that sitting for long periods of time during the day is linked to a shortened lifespan. Since he has to work all day in an office and spends a great deal of time sitting, it is difficult to change his behavior in order to reduce his feelings of dissonance. In order to deal with the feelings of discomfort, he might instead find some way to justify his behavior by believing that his other healthy behaviors—like eating sensibly and occasionally exercising—make up for his largely sedentary lifestyle.

• Change the conflicting belief so that it is consistent with other beliefs or behaviors. Changing the conflicting cognition is one of the most effective ways of dealing with dissonance, but it is also one of the most difficult, particularly in the case of deeply held values and beliefs, such as religious or political leanings.2

A Word From Verywell

Cognitive dissonance plays a role in many value judgments, decisions, and evaluations. Becoming aware of how conflicting beliefs impact the decision-making process is a great way to improve your ability to make faster and more accurate choices.3 Mismatches between your beliefs and your actions can lead to feelings of discomfort (and, sometimes, coping choices that have negative impacts), but such feelings can also sometimes lead to change and growth.

For example, if you believe that exercise is important for your health but you rarely make time for physical activity, you may experience cognitive dissonance. This resulting discomfort may lead you to seek relief by increasing the amount of exercise you get each week. In this instance, altering your behavior to increase consistency with your belief and reduce the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing can play a positive role in your life and health.

Only Listening to Health Advice That Confirms Existing Beliefs

By Kendra Cherry  Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD  Updated on May 28, 2017

https://www.verywellmind.com/mental-biases-that-influence-health-choices-4071981

Mental Biases and Health Choices

We all make mistakes with our health and our relationships. Sometimes these errors can be relatively minor, but oftentimes the everyday choices we make can have long-term negative impacts on our physical and mental well being.

Bad decisions can happen to anyone, but in many cases these mental mistakes are caused by sneaky and surprisingly subtle cognitive biases. Let's take a closer look at how some of these mental biases can influences the health choices you make each and every day, from small decisions about what to eat for lunch to bigger choices that may have a long-term impact on both your physical and psychological health and well-being.

1 Confirmation Bias

People have a natural tendency to seek out information that affirms what they already believe to be true, a phenomenon known as the confirmation bias. It's the reason why we often give greater credence to news stories that support the things we believe while at the same time discounting stories that are contrary to our views of the world.

So how does this confirmation bias influence your health? Sometimes we tend to focus on news stories or research reports that affirm our current health or lifestyle choices, yet dismiss possibly useful and relevant stories because they conflict with our behavior or health decisions. For example, if you exercise a few times a week but otherwise spend most of your time sitting at a desk, you might be more inclined to ignore health reports warning that too much sitting might be hurting your health.

So what can you do to combat this bias and make more objective decisions when it comes to your health? Simply being aware of this tendency is a great place to start. The next time you find yourself dismissing information because it does not immediately confirm your beliefs or support your behaviors, spend a little time analyzing why you are so quick to reject it.

Challenging your preconceptions can be a great way to expand your mind and explore new ways of thinking, and even accepting this contrary information does not necessarily mean that you have to restructure your life to accommodate it. Instead, look for small changes that you might make in your daily routine that might ultimately lead to better health.

In our earlier example, you certainly don't need to rush out and buy a standing desk or treadmill desk simply because you read a news article saying that sitting is bad. Instead, try to be conscious of how much you sit in a day and look for small changes you can make that might help get you up and moving more throughout your day.

2 Optimism Bias

Being Overly Optimistic About Your Health

People are also prone to being more optimistic about their own chances of success and good health, a phenomenon often referred to as the optimism bias or illusion of invulnerability. If you ask people to estimate how likely it is that they will ever experience something such as an accident, serious illness, divorce, or job loss, they will likely underestimate the true probability that such events will impact their lives.

Conversely, people are also more likely to believe that their lives will be filled with positive events such as earning high incomes, owning their own homes, and living long lives.

So what roll can the optimism bias play in the decisions you make each day about your health?

Because we tend to overestimate the chances of good things happening to us and underestimate the chances of bad things affecting our lives, we are also more likely to believe that engaging in unhealthy or risky behaviors will not have a negative effect on our health.

This can be particularly true if we believe that the negative outcomes are rare or unlikely. If you believe that skin cancer is a relatively rare disease, you might continue tanning and neglecting sunscreen use because you simply think that it is highly uncommon for anyone to be affected by the ailment. You not only underestimate the overall prevalence of skin cancer, but the optimism bias also leads you to underestimate the likelihood that skin cancer would ever affect you, regardless of your health choices and behaviors.

This certainly does not mean that being optimistic is a bad thing. Having a positive outlook and believing that our actions can make a difference is often what inspires us to pursue our goals and engage in healthy activities in the first place.

Unfortunately, researchers have found that overcoming the optimism bias can actually be quite difficult. In one study that attempted to reduce the bias using methods such as listing risk factors and listing reasons why they might be at risk, all methods used to decrease the bias ended up serving to increase it.

One strategy that might work involves comparing yourself to individuals who are very close or similar to you. For example, if you have close friends and family members who have been affected by skin cancer, you might be more realistic in your assessments of your own risks.

3 Probability Neglect

Worrying About Less Likely Risks and Ignoring More Likely Dangers

When people are making decisions, particularly those in the face of uncertainty, they have a tendency to disregard the probability of each possibility. For example, most people don't find themselves filled with dread and terror every time they start their car but many people do experience significant amounts of anxiety when flying on a plane. This is despite the fact that dying in a car accident is far more likely than dying in an airplane crash.

Social psychologist Cass Sunstein labeled this tendency probability neglect, a cognitive bias that often causes people to dramatically overinflate small risks or simply ignore them altogether. This bias can affect a number of everyday decisions, including those that impact your health and well-being.

One example that researchers have investigated is how this bias can impact people's decisions to wear seat belts when riding in a car. Some individuals might fear that wearing a seat belt might pose a greater risk in the case of an accident where a vehicle becomes submerged in water or engulfed in flames, suggested that the restraining device might actually lead to an individual becoming trapped an unable to escape.

This scenario represents a very low probability event, yet the probability neglect bias might lead some people to overinflate the chances it may occur or ignore the probably of much more likely accident scenarios. Such overestimations can lead to poor health choices—in this instance, failing to wear a seatbelt even though it is statistically more likely protect the individual's life in the event of a collision.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that millions of American adults fail to use seat belts for every trip, despite the fact that seat belt use is the most effect way to reduce injuries and fatalities during vehicular accidents.

So what can you do to minimize the possibility that the probability neglect bias might lead to poor decision-making when it comes to your health? The research is not clear, but giving yourself time to weigh the options, taking a serious look at the probabilities associated with each scenario, and following health guidelines provided by medical professionals can help guide you to better choices.

4 Status Quo Bias

Sticking With the Status Quo and Refusing to Accept Change

If you are like many people, you might find yourself looking over your health insurance options every year to determine which plan is best for you and your family. Do you stick with your current plan or go with a new one? One sneaky little cognitive bias that can play a role in determining which option you choose is known as the status quo bias. People tend to prefer that things stay the same as they are now, even if making certain changes might potentially lead to big benefits. In other words, people are more prone to stick with what they know rather than take a risk on the unknown.

One study found that while younger workers more willing to switch to a health plan that featured lower premiums and deductibles, older workers were less likely to switch and preferred to stick with their old "tried and true" plans.

The status quo bias is one reason why those who are closer to retirement age might be less willing to take a risk on a potentially better, but also potentially riskier, health plan. The possible losses that might result from switching tend to loom larger in people's minds, making them place a greater emphasis on loss-avoidance rather than on maximizing benefits. This becomes particularly true as people approach retirement age and feel that they have more at stake and less time to make up for any potential mistakes.

The status quo bias might negatively impact health in situations such as those where people stick with a plan that offers poorer coverage out of fear of changing their current situation. In other cases, however, the status quo bias can actually offer some health protective benefits. By minimizing risks, people are less likely to experience losses that might negatively influence their health and well-being.

Final Thoughts

The decisions you make each and every day can have both minor and major impacts on your overall health and well-being. Some choices will be good, some choices okay, and some can be downright disastrous. Being aware of some of the often subtle mental biases that play a role in the decisions you make might help you make better decisions when it comes to your health.