When Motivation Comes from Shame

Shame and fear can look like motivation. They might be what gets you out of bed in the morning or keeps you pushing when you are tired or overwhelmed. For a while, it can feel like they work.

From a psychodynamic perspective, this kind of drive usually has a history. Often there is a younger part of you that learned to stay safe by being hard on yourself. Maybe you believed you had to be exceptional to be loved. Or that mistakes meant you were a failure. That kind of pressure can feel normal when it is all you have ever known.

But living this way takes a toll.

Your Body Can Feel It

When shame is running the show, the nervous system stays on high alert. You might feel tension in your jaw or shoulders. Your stomach might hurt when you rest, or you may find yourself wired but exhausted. Over time, the stress becomes chronic and your body begins to carry the cost.

On the outside, you may look like you are functioning well. You may even be praised for your achievements. But if your inner world is filled with pressure, urgency, and self-criticism, you are likely suffering far more than others can see.

The Inner Critic Is Trying to Help

Psychodynamic theory views the inner critic as an adaptation. It usually formed in response to something painful or uncertain. It has a job. Most often, it tries to protect you from shame by using shame. And it may not realize there is another way.

That voice can sound convincing. It might feel like the truth. But just because it is loud does not mean it is wise. This is where therapy can help.

Curiosity Changes the Relationship

In therapy, the goal is not to argue with the critic or silence it. The goal is to understand it. Where did it come from? What is it trying to protect? How long has it been working so hard?

When you start to get curious about that part of yourself, something begins to shift. The urgency eases. The shame softens. You begin to realize you are not broken, behind, or bad. You are human. You adapted. You survived.

Motivation Can Come from Care

You can be kind to yourself and still be accountable. You can make changes without punishing yourself into them. When you relate to yourself differently, motivation shifts. It starts to come from something sturdier. Something that does not burn you out in the process.

You deserve that kind of relationship with yourself.

Thanks for reading.
My name is Amber, and I’m a Master’s-level mental health counselor, practicing under supervision at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy rooted in insight, self-compassion, and a deep respect for your lived experience. If this kind of work speaks to you, you can book a session with me here.

Suicide Awareness and Assessing Signs of Risk in Loved Ones:

 According to the CDC, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Nearly 46,000 people died by suicide in 2020, which would equate to an average of 1 death every 11 minutes. But suicide can be preventable, and there are resources available to help.

On July 16th of this year, 988 became the nationwide suicide hotline number. All texts or calls made to 988 are directly rooted to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline where you will be supported and helped by trained mental health professionals.

YOU can also help!

Noticing signs of suicide:

If you hear or notice any of the following thoughts or behaviors in someone you know, they may be at risk for suicide.

• Talking about wanting to die

  • “I just can’t take it anymore”

  • “I wish everything could end”

  • “I feel too much guilt or shame to continue on”

  • “I feel like a burden and people would be better off without me”

• Expressing feelings surrounding:

  • Loneliness, feeling isolated and that there is no one to live for

  • Hopelessness, feeling like there is no “light at the end of the tunnel”

  • Trapped, feeling stuck in a difficult situation with no foreseeable way out

  • Sad, depressed, anxious feelings

  • Strong emotional or physical pain

  • Low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love and connection

• Behaviors:

  • Researching ways to die

  • Making a suicide plan

  • Purchasing lethal weapons (guns, knives, pills, rope)

  • Withdrawing from social circles and saying goodbye to loved ones

  • Giving away important keepsakes

  • Writing a will

  • Dangerous risk-taking behaviors, such as driving reckless

  • Exhibiting extreme mood swings

  • Eating and/or sleeping less

  • Increased substance use (drugs and/or alcohol)

  • Poor self-hygiene

The first step in being a helpful resource to someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts is knowing and understanding the signs above. If you notice someone who is exhibiting any of these signs, it’s important to talk directly with them about it. It’s also important not to pass judgment or shame on the individual for having these thoughts.

When I work with clients who are struggling with suicidal ideation, I start by normalizing those thoughts and taking some of the weight and judgement away. I explain that it’s natural for our minds to search for escape routes from life’s struggles. For some people, that escape route looks like “I just want to drop everything and move to a remote island where I know no one and have no responsibilities.” For others, it may look like suicidal thoughts. The theme of escaping life’s responsibilities is the same — and we can share empathy about how hard it can be to face overwhelming difficulty, especially when we don’t have enough support. 

Suicidal thoughts can be very isolating for an individual. Letting someone know that you are aware of their struggles and here as a helpful support for them can make all the difference. Know that it can help to talk with the individual openly about their suicidal thoughts, make it known that it’s okay that they are dealing with this, and always share that there are resources to help.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 is available 24/7, 365 days a year.

https://988lifeline.org/

Also, helping that individual find a supportive therapist can help with long-term improvement and maintaining safety plans. Book an appointment for you or a loved one today.

Author: Jamie Rudden, MFTI https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI

For more facts on suicide visit:

https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/index.html#:~:text=Suicide%20rates%20increased%2030%25%20between,one%20death%20every%2011%20minutes.&text=The%20number%20of%20people%20who,attempt%20suicide%20is%20even%20higher.

A special thank you to Jamie Rudden for all of the supportive work that you have done with us and prior to your hard work at South Tampa Therapy! It takes a special compassionate and supportive person to BE THERE and STAY ATTUNED.

I appreciate you.

Liz