SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
The Grief of an Affair (Your partner cheated. Now what? Part 2)
The revelation of a partner’s affair (sexual or emotional) comes as a shock to the hurt partner, even when doubts exist. The loss of trust in a relationship is no different from a physical loss. The closeness of the relationship and the hurt partner’s perception of preventability were identified as predictors of the grieving process’s intensity and duration in a study on human grief by Bugen. The predictors wouldn’t be different in the case of trust loss as well.
The process of grief includes five emotional stages to recovery from loss, as per the Kubler-Ross model. This process is not linear, and the hurt partner can find themselves at any stage throughout varying timelines. The stages of trust loss, applying the grief model to the aftermath of an affair, would be as follows:
DENIAL
The hurt partner struggles to comprehend what happened and is often unaware of the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass betrayal cascade that the betraying partner experienced or is experiencing . The hurt partner tends to minimize the pain of the affair initially and goes through the phase of “something is amiss, and it will be set right.” There is a strong need to confirm with the partner by asking questions in several different ways as they feel that this cannot be happening.
ANGER
The hurt partner starts to piece together the incidents from the past, and the reality gradually emerges. There is apparent anger about the betrayal, hurt for being let down, and sadness about losing the relationship. The anger can be toward oneself for letting this happen, the partner who did this to them, and the liaison who shouldn’t have crossed the boundaries. But then, there is also the fear that the anger may push away the very person they still love. The fear of losing the partner results in suppressing anger, which may erupt abruptly at different points as the entirety of the situation sinks in. There may also be self-doubt about their role in the case, which is overwhelming, given the immense emotional stress already persisting.
BARGAINING
The feelings of confusion, pain, anger, and other emotions seem unbearable and threaten the loss of control. It is a helpless state intensified by powerful emotions and therefore comes a need to regain control. The hurt partner tries to reset the past by exploring different paths, such as “if only I had stopped her that day when I saw her messaging,” “what if the other person had misused the situation and my partner is not at fault,” etc. There is a struggle to heal the pain faster by providing logical explanations and intellectualizing feelings. The hurt partner may try premature closure to postpone experiencing painful emotions.
DEPRESSION
Here one feels the full impact of losing a trusted relationship. The affair erases everything the hurt partner believed. While the first three stages are more cognitive and solution-oriented, this stage is emotional and experience-oriented. It might involve heaviness and isolation. The hurt partner experiences intense emotions of anger, sadness, and doubts that can feel like there is no more running away. Questions may arise like, “does my partner love me at all?” “I should have given more time and attention before,” “What do I do now?” etc. These questions address the concerns at a deeper level, releasing intense emotions. It is a difficult phase that can feel foggy. Though depression may feel like a comfort zone as the inner conflict lessens, dwelling here indefinitely is unhealthy and would need counseling assistance to move on.
ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance comes concerning what happened and what it means in the future. It is not a perfect resolution and permanent closure (with emotions and interpersonal realities) but a transformative stage following a significant change. The hurt partner may start to have thoughts like, “I am aware of what went wrong and can understand the reasons,” “I will be able to forgive and move on,” etc. At this point, the perspective is more on the present moment and future rather than the past. Hope is renewed about the restoration of the relationship. This stage feels different as the outlook towards several aspects of life changes.
POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)
Shirley Glass noted that the hurt partner often suffers from a PTSD reaction following an affair’s discovery. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, if the below symptoms persist, then the chances are that the hurt partner is experiencing PTSD.
Recurrent recollections and intrusive visualizations: “Deja vu” events, days, locations, etc., tend to trigger flashbacks of affair specifics. For example, recurring dates of when the hurt partner had found out about the affair trigger memories and related emotions that can induce flooding (stress) and panic attacks.
Oscillating moods, confusion, irritability, and outbursts: As the hurt partner struggles between feelings of betrayal and acceptance, there are periods of emotional numbing followed by explosions.
Intense emotions of anger, hurt, shame, grief, and frustration: There are ambivalent fears of anger, guilt, self-doubts, etc., that can overwhelm the hurt partner. Empathetic listening goes a long way in healing.
Hyper-vigilance and startling: Hurt partners can become startled and vigilant about mundane things like message notifications, phone rings, delay in replies, etc., and may seem to make impossible demands. Compassion and assurance will help.
Avoidance, detachment, and seclusion: The overwhelming feelings appear challenging, and isolation may seem like the only option. The betraying partner often misunderstands it as distancing and tends to stay away. It may enhance the feelings of rejection in the hurt partner when what is needed is emotional support.
Loss of focus and interest: The depression symptoms of demotivation, loss of interest, lack of energy, irregular sleep, no appetite, low feelings, etc., can persist.
Hopelessness about the future: As the world, they know, collapses, there may be hopelessness and helplessness about the relationship.
Although not all partners hurt by an affair will develop PTSD reactions, many will experience grief and depression. Hurt partners may become obsessed with the affair’s details, feel powerless with their emotions, and need therapeutic assistance at such times. It is important to note that these reactions are normal responses and can benefit from couple therapy.
FINAL THOUGHT
An affair shakes everything that the hurt partner believes in their understanding of themselves and the world. Gottman Method Couples Therapy can help a couple learn to atone, attune, and attach as they restore new purpose and meaning together.
Jinashree Rajendrakumar
References:
Bugen, L. A. (1977). Human grief: A model for prediction and intervention. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 47(2), 196–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1977.tb00975.x
Glass, S. (2007). NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Simon & Schuster.
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017a). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017b). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript, Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X
Hall, C. (2011). Beyond Kubler-Ross: recent developments in our understanding of grief and bereavement. InPsych: The Bulletin of the Australian Psychological Society Ltd, 33(6), 8.
Holland, K. (2018, September 25). What You Should Know About the Stages of Grief. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief
How Do Affairs Happen? (See the cascade of events that can lead to infidelity) PART 1
WHAT WENT WRONG?
It is hurtful and devastating when an affair shatters a relationship’s trusted stability. It leaves both partners to pick up the pieces before starting all over again, which is painful. One of the questions that plague partners recovering from an affair is “What went wrong?” Even when individuals and relationships are unique, is there a commonality across affairs?
Dr. John Gottman with Dr. Caryl Rusbult and Dr. Shirley Glass explained an affair as a cascade of steps that culminate in a transgression. It all starts with the bid for attention. If it sounds like a simplified excuse for an affair, it is not. When one can’t count on their partner to be available in their time of need, it leads to unfavorable comparisons, emotional distance, and eventual betrayal, if not the demise of love. Based on research, the steps that lead to betrayal (the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass Cascade) are as follows.
TURNING AWAY
Partners can make an emotional bid that is met with turning away or against instead of turning toward. Turning away would include ignoring or being preoccupied with something else while turning against would be a retort or a lash back. When “Would you like to plan for the weekend?” is met with silence or “Can’t you see that I am busy?” the bidding partner feels rejected and hurt. Over time repeated failed bids lead to reiterating the belief that “you are not there for me,” and trust associated with the partner starts to erode gradually. An anticipatory rejection starts to flood (stress) the bidding partner, making them feel vulnerable, insignificant, or unwanted.
NEGATIVITY AND AVOIDANCE
The bidding partner soon enters the negative absorbing state, which is the negative affect from past failed bids building up with every new failed bid. It gets easier to get into the negative state but challenging to exit, resulting in a persistent negative state of mind. Soon unheeded requests turn out to be stressful and pointless arguments. Therefore bidding partner suppresses feelings and needs, leading to avoidance of conflict and self-disclosure.
INVESTING LESS AND COMPARING MORE
When partners favorably evaluate the relationship compared to other alternatives, they are more likely to stay committed to the relationship, as Thibaut and Kelley suggest. Therefore, the unfavorable comparisons propel a relationship towards a lack of commitment and betrayal. The bidding partner starts negatively comparing the partner with a real or imaginary partner who would make them feel cherished. As approaching the partner with an emotional bid is found futile, bidding and investing in the partner reduces, while substituting begins.
FEELING LESS DEPENDENT AND MAKING FEWER SACRIFICES
As Rusbult notes, commitment is a gradual process of making a good comparison level for the relationship within alternatives. Similarly, the opposite process of un-commitment is a gradual process of damaging comparison levels with other options. Commitment leads people to make sacrifices while building interdependency. It also leads to disparaging alternatives in comparison to their partner. As reliability or dependability on the partner lessens, trust reduces. The partner opens up to others and engages in talks (or self-talks) that magnify the relationship’s negative qualities.
TRASHING VS. CHERISHING
As one maximizes the partner’s negative qualities, one also minimizes positive characteristics. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. Dr. Gottman suggests that people committed to their relationship cherish their partner by reminiscing about the positives with gratitude, even when not together. An essential part of a relationship, cherishing and expressing gratitude, is replaced with trash-talking the partner (directly and in front of others).
RESENTMENT AND LONELINESS IN RELATIONSHIP
Gratitude for the partner becomes replaced with bitterness. Resentment seeps in with silent arguments such as feeling the partner is selfish and uncaring. There is loneliness enhanced with unfavorable comparisons like “my ex would have understood me better” or “my colleague is more there for me than my partner.” With loneliness, vulnerability to other relationships increases. The built-up resentment results in low sexual desire and impersonal sex. The refusal to have sex may result in the partner’s blaming, leading to further feelings of rejection, and the affair cascade intensifies.
IDEALIZING ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIPS
There is less dependency on a partner, less reliance on the relationship for meeting essential needs, less investment in the relationship while idealizing alternative relationships, and thinking fewer positive pro-relationship thoughts. Instead, anti-relationship thoughts take over like “maybe we will be better off without each other,” “it may be a relief to let go of the relationship than hold on,” etc. The window between the partners is replaced with a wall, as the window opens up to outsiders. Other harmless liaisons provide the safe house.
SECRETS AND CROSSING BOUNDARIES
Secrets begin with omission. The other patterns such as inconsistencies, lies, confidence violations follow. While in cherishing relationships, interactions with others that hurt the partner are avoided, in denigrating relationships, ties with others are sought to fill the prevailing emotional gaps. As the hiding increases with the partner, there is an active turning toward others, and at a vulnerable moment, boundaries are crossed, and actual betrayal unfolds.
As one partner goes through the cascade of betrayal, the other partner experiences the ground sinking beneath their feet. Trust is broken and, over time, may develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Jinashree Rajendrakumar
References:
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript, Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X
Haan-Rietdijk, S. D., Gottman, J. M., Bergeman, C. S., & Hamaker, E. L. (2016). Get Over It! A Multilevel Threshold Autoregressive Model for State-Dependent Affect Regulation. Psychometrika, 81(1), 217–241. doi: 10.1007/S11336-014-9417-X
Hawkins, M. W., Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M. (2002). Marital Sentiment Override: Does It Influence Couples’ Perceptions? Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(1), 193–201. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00193.x
How to Find the Best Therapist in Tampa (or the Best Virtual Online Therapist in Florida) for YOU
How to Find the BEST Therapist for YOU!
Tips for Finding the Best Counselor in Tampa, Florida
If you’re considering therapy — whether it’s to restore a relationship, recover from a trauma, adjust to a new life phase, or improve your mental health — finding the best counselor for you is the first hurdle to cross.
Researchers have found that the bond between you and your therapist is likely to have a big impact on your growth. That’s why it’s important to do your research, ask questions, and pay attention to your own responses in your search for the therapist that’s right for you.
You may do a search by typing in any of the below examples based on your specific needs:
“best therapist Tampa” “best counselor tampa” “best online counselor in Florida” “top rated marriage counselor in Tampa” “best marriage therapist in Tampa” “best online couples counselor in Florida”
How do YOU decide who the best psychotherapist, counselor, or psychologist is for YOU when this is very SUBJECTIVE?
It is important to do your research and trust your gut!
Here are some other tried-and-true methods for finding a therapist to help you reach your therapeutic goals.
1. Consult a provider directory
If you plan to pay for therapy through your insurance plan, your first step might be to look through your plan’s provider network.
It’s also a good idea to find out whether your plan limits the number of sessions you can attend each year and whether using an out-of-network therapist will affect your out-of-pocket costs.
Insurance Provider Directory, www.Psychologytoday.com , www.therapyden.com , www.goodtherapy.org
2. Ask someone you trust
Ask for a recommendation from a friend, colleague, or doctor you trust to find a therapist who might be a good fit for you.
A referral is a good place to start. it’s important to realize that you may have different needs and goals for your therapy than the person giving you the referral.
So, “the best counselor” for one of you might not be as beneficial to the other.
3. Use reliable national online databases
There are quite a few mental health organizations that maintain up-to-date, searchable databases of licensed therapists.
Your search could start by ZIP code, city, state, specific specialities, and so on including:
4. Explore local resources
Your community may also have resources for example:
Students (all ages), your school may provide access to a counseling center.
Employees, your human resources team might offer a list of therapists through a workplace or employee assistance program.
Local advocacy organizations are available through 211
5. Reach out to organizations that address your area of concern
If you’re looking for a therapist to help with a specific mental health issue, you might find local therapists through a national association, network, or helpline:
If your job is a source of stress and anxiety, you might find local therapists through a professional organization.
Many trade unions have resources to assist with mental health needs:
International Association of Firefighters offers help with mental health, PTSD, and substance abuse.
Resources for people of color
Access to culture-conscious therapists and best practices for your well-being. Here are some resources to consider when looking for a therapist:
The Yellow Couch Collective, an online support group for Black women
The National Asian American Pacific Islander Mental Health Association
Nina Pop Mental Health Recovery Fund and Tony McDade Mental Health Recovery Fund, a group that offers therapy sessions to help Black transgender people
6. Think about your goals
What do you want to accomplish in therapy?
Are you looking for a specific treatment approaches?
Your goals may change as you work with a therapist. It’s okay to change the direction of your treatment plan as your needs evolve.
7. Online therapy
Online counseling helps you explore convenient and effective ways to implement therapy in your busy schedule.
8. Ask lots of questions
When you meet your therapist, whether it’s online, on the phone, or in person, ask lots of questions and get a feel for whether a therapist is “the best therapist” for YOU!!
Jot down questions as they come up for you.
The American Psychological Association suggests a few questions for you to consider asking your therapist during your first session:
Are you a licensed in this state?
How many years have you been in practice?
How much experience do you have?
What do you consider to be your specialty or expertise?
What kinds of treatments have you found that are effective?
What insurance do you accept?
Will I need to pay you directly and then seek reimbursement from my insurance company, or do you bill the insurance company?
Are you part of my insurance network?
9. Pay close attention to your “gut” to find your “best therapist near me”
No matter how many professional accreditations your therapist has, your own feelings of trust and comfort should be your top priority. Will therapy be uncomfortable from time to time? Possibly. After all, you’ll likely be discussing difficult, personal topics.
But if you feel uncomfortable with your therapist for any other reason, it’s all right to look for someone else.
You don’t need a reason to switch therapists. It’s enough that you don’t feel comfortable.
Here are a few things to notice as you talk with your therapist:
Does the therapist interrupt you, or do they listen carefully to what you’re saying?
How does your body feel during a therapy session? Do you feel tense?
Does the therapist respect your time?
Does the therapist brush off or invalidate your concerns?
Do you feel seen, heard, and respected during your session?
The bottom line
Whether you’re coping with grief, trauma, or relationship issues, or want treatment for a mental illness, finding a helpful, and the best therapist for you can make a big difference in your journey.
To find a therapist who’s a good fit, start by considering practical matters like licensure, insurance coverage, location, and specialties.
You may find that friends, colleagues, and your healthcare providers are a good source of referrals. You may also find options by using search tools provided by organizations that address your specific concerns.
When you’ve narrowed down your choices, you may find it helpful to think about your goals and questions, so you can be sure you and your therapist are well matched and aligned on your treatment plan.
Ultimately, finding the “BEST” therapist is a SUBJECTIVE personal matter. Human connection is at the heart of effective therapy, and you can build that sense of connection in person, on the phone, or online.
WISHING YOU THE VERY BEST! If you reach out to me and make an appointment, if for ANY reason, we are not a good fit, I will do my very best to find the “best therapist” for YOU!!!
Liz
The Gottman Method and The Power of Storytelling
Gottman wanted to encourage couples to tell their stories to each other. Because of this curiosity—along with the science that stated that sharing in relationship matters—stories became a cornerstone to many of the pivotal exercises that we use to move couples forward in therapy. Stories help them through their difficulties and differences. These stories take center stage in three interventions.
Our stories are critical pieces to understanding and being understood
Dr. Satira Streeter Corbitt
As a Clinical Psychologist who has worked with families for more than 20 years, I was immediately drawn into the Gottman Method because it aligned with my strong belief that our stories are critical pieces to understanding and being understood.
Griots: The storytellers
In African traditions, storytellers were called “Griots,” and they were often the most important people in the village. They ensured that lessons were learned, history was passed on, and that people were entertained, often because of the connection and interrelatedness that stories can bring.
The Griot of my family was my Grandma Edna. She was a loving, gregarious woman who raised seven children while serving every week as a Sunday School teacher and church deaconess. I would sit by her side for hours as she put together jigsaw puzzles and told me stories about her father who was once enslaved, her childhood, and the many eccentric people that made up our family who had long passed on.
Her stories were peppered with laughter and songs as she reflected on a life of many trials and tribulations mixed with joy and triumph. These stories shaped my childhood as I listened during our Saturday night press and curl beauty sessions, our Sunday morning walks to church, and our early mornings on the fishing pier.
Storytelling with the Gottman Method
Forty years ago, around the time that I was listening to my grandmother’s stories as a little girl, Dr. John Gottman was figuring out some stories of his own. Just as I was curious about my grandmother and all of her adventures, he was curious about relationships and how some broke apart and others stayed together. It appears that the stories that he heard led him to hear even more stories.
He wanted to encourage couples to tell their stories to each other. Because of this curiosity—along with the science that stated that sharing in relationship matters—stories became a cornerstone to many of the pivotal exercises that we use to move couples forward in therapy. Stories help them through their difficulties and differences. These stories take center stage in three interventions.
Listen and learn
As a trainee, the first Gottman exercise that I learned was the Gottman Rapport. Now let’s be clear, I did not love this exercise right away. Initially, it was painful watching a partner ask probing questions that were seemingly just answered but required more depth.
You see, in the Gottman Rapport, couples take turns as the speaker and listener. The listener is prompted to ask a question, after question, after question to understand the heart of their partner. There is no problem solving, no immediately fixing the issue, no arguing your point, no persuasion. They can only use just questions—questions to open the heart.
How did that make you feel?
When have you felt that way before?
Tell me a story about that.
The Gottmans tell us that a big part of listening is witnessing and being present for your partner so that your partner doesn’t feel so alone. This process can be started through a good storytelling session where you listen and learn. The understanding that I see manifested following this exercise quickly turned my uncomfortableness to complete appreciation of the time we spend going deeper into each individual’s world.
Telling your dreams
In the “Dreams Within Conflict” intervention, we delve into even more storytelling, but this time to work through a gridlocked or perpetual problem. We have a dreamer and a dream catcher. Once again the speaker is encouraged to tell their story about their dream and its source so that the dream catcher can understand where their partner’s dream comes from and what it symbolizes. The listener asks more questions, but with a goal of making their partner feel safe enough to share their story. These stories are used to strengthen the friendship and understand the meaning of their partner’s dream with no judgment and no arguing a point of view. Understanding and connecting dreams is truly a hallmark of a healthy relationship.
Storytelling in conversation
Lastly, we explore stories once again in the Stress-Reducing Conversation. These stories are extremely important because, as Drs. John and Julie share in their workshops, of all of the exercises that we use, regular implementation of this conversation has been found to be the most enduring, long utilized intervention that we teach.
The Stress-Reducing Conversation can help couples shield their relationship from the outside stressors of work, society, and extended family so that they can be more available to focus on their family and home life. In this exercise, each partner makes space for 15 to 20 minutes of what…..yes, of stories. Stories about their day including frustrations, irritations, ups, and downs. They are stories that bring about connection and understanding of their lives apart from each other. The listener renders no judgment, advice, never sides with the enemy, and doesn’t try to problem-solve. They just provide a listening ear full of empathy, support, and validation.
This daily exercise strengthens the relationship by providing a connection, insight, and a safe space just to vent and process the events of the day. Couples repeatedly report that knowing that their partner is there for them, having their back is a relationship strengthener.
So there you have it, whether you consider yourself a world-class griot or someone that has great fish tales, learning to tell your true, authentic story and learning to deeply listen to the stories of your partner is the root of understanding, compromising, managing conflict, healing, and strengthening both your love and your friendship.
Voice Dialogue
Voice Dialogue is the main intervention used in a modality called the Psychology of the Selves developed by psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone, who had such diverse influences as Jung, Skinner, Kazantzakis and Hermann Hesse. Their theory suggests that various parts of self coexist within each of us and determine our thoughts, behaviors and relationships with others.
Each of us "contains multitudes". We are made up of many selves, identifying with some and rejecting others. This over-identification with some selves and the loss of wholeness that comes from the rejection of others, can create imbalances and blind spots. This work is about embracing all the selves. This dance of the selves is an amazing process and we see the dynamics of the world around us shift as our internal world changes.
Rather than making choices based on a given criteria (the most rational, what feels right, what other people want, etc.), Voice Dialogue encourages a discussion between the parts of self at odds with one another. The understanding and expression of these selves helps us increase our self-awareness and even function better within a relationship. Although it does turn a couple into a group rather quickly.
1. When would a clinician use Voice Dialogue?
When there is a sense that the client has a feeling that he or she has different selves or parts. For example, let us say that John goes to a party that he doesn't really feel like going to. Once there he has a few drinks and soon he is the life of the party. In the middle of the night when he awakens he is a bit depressed. In his session he may say something like: "I don't understand how I get into these things. I really didn't feeling like going and again it is as if something just takes over and there I am again doing something I don't really feel like doing." In a situation like this Voice Dialogue could be a very effective intervention.
2. What does it look like?
The therapist might say: "It really does sound like there are two very different ways of being or value systems that are operating in you. There is you the party person, the more extraverted self who generally needs some alcohol or drug to get him going. On the other side is a more introverted part of you trying to come out and be heard but he seems to have less authority than the other one. How would you feel about my talking to these two feelings or ways of being in the world to see if this might help clarify some of the conflict that you are describing?"
The therapist starts always with the self that is the more primary, that leads his life in the world. For this the client actually moves over physically to a different position and the conversation or interview begins. When finished John would go back to the center for a discussion of the work so far. In this, or the next session, the therapist might have a conversation with the less developed, often totally disowned self.
3. How does it help the client?
It helps the client in three ways. First he gets to hear in a very objective way what these different "voices" or selves have to say, what they want and need, how they developed -- the family forces that shaped them. Just knowing that the voices are real can be a total revelation. A woman might say that she can't stand looking in the mirror in the morning. To discover that she has a voice in her, the Inner Critic, that embodies all of her self criticism can initiate a major shift in her life.
Secondly, the therapist helps to develop a new place between the opposites, a place that can help the client hold the introversion with one hand and the extraversion with the other. It is a new "center" of personality that we call the Aware Ego. It is this Aware Ego Process that can learn to embrace the vast system of opposites that live within each of us.
The third advantage is that from this Aware Ego Process the client is in a better position to make conscious choices. A conscious choice is one that honors both sides of the conflict no matter which choice is actually made.
4. In your opinion what makes Voice Dialogue a cool intervention?
First of all it is way of working that is fun and alive and brings in all kinds of different thoughts, feelings and emotions. It is impossible as a therapist to be bored or tired doing this work. It the therapist gets tired or bored it is because he or she has fallen into a pattern of being overly responsible or overly mental or some primary self that limits possibilities of enjoying the work.
Secondly there is the constant excitement of new discovery. Discovering and separating from a primary self is like waking up from a dream and discovering whole new worlds of possibility.
Thirdly, what you judge in the world are generally expressions of selves in you that have been shut down or rejected over time. What a ride it is and how relationships do change as you begin to learn how to catch hold of these judgments.
Fourthly, how different it is to learn how to allow your own vulnerability to live in the world of relationship. So many people look for more meaning in their lives. Learning how to use vulnerability in a conscious way is really the royal highway to a more deeply felt and experienced life.
The Empty Chair
The term gestalt refers to a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. Gestalt therapy, formulated by Fritz Perls (1893-1970) is based on the idea of a whole being as connected with their environment, loved ones and memories. Therapy works toward creating full awareness of the here and now, both within the client and between client and therapist. The empty chair is one of many interactive techniques used to help engage the client's feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
The ol' empty chair has had quite a tongue-lashing over the years. Clients have given a piece of their mind to innumerable spouses, bosses, best friends and dead relatives thanks to this simple tool. But the chair is none the worse for wear, and millions of people have a greater understanding of feelings and communication as a result.
1. When would a clinician use the empty chair technique?
The empty chair technique is characteristic of some styles of gestalt therapy. It is often effective at facilitating clients' integration of different aspects or "disowned parts" of their personality in order to further psychotherapeutic insight. It is one of a variety of interventions that help people move from talking about something towards the fullness of immediate, present experience - sensation, affect, cognition, movement. The less people are "in touch," or "verbalizing," or abstractly thinking, the more likely therapists are to use this as an expressive technique. It is not used for clients whose emotionality is already dramatic and who may be already subject to emotional "flooding."
2. What does it look like?
As first popularized by Fritz Perls, one of the founders of gestalt therapy, an empty chair faced the client. The client imagined someone (or himself, herself, or parts of him or herself) in it, and spoke, gestured, or otherwise communicated to the "empty chair," which was now not so empty. The client then sat in the chair, continuing the conversation, this time reversing roles. Variations of the "empty chair" developed over the decades in order to fit the clinical needs of the situation - and as gestalt therapy evolved. The client might participate in this technique without the "prop" of an actual empty chair. Importantly, the technique today always includes attention to the relational dynamic between the client and the psychotherapist.
3. How does it help the client?
This technique often brings clients into present or immediate experiences. Abstractions or verbalizations become enlivened moments. Clients may be able to experience different aspects of their own conflicts in a new manner through empty-chair dialogue. Gestalt therapy is more than a collection of techniques, despite the notoriety of the empty chair. This technique is one of the many interventions within gestalt therapy, all with the common purpose of facilitating discovery and psychotherapeutic insight.
4. In your opinion, what makes the empty chair a cool intervention?
Any intervention that challenges the passivity of the clinician and turns psychotherapy into a creative collaboration is a cool technique. Further, if the empty chair is a new approach to the clients, it offers a new perspective on the therapy process.
The Miracle Question!
The Miracle Question – an old standby for many different types of therapy! This question can be used in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, and it can be applied to a wide range of situations, issues, or problems.
The general idea of this technique is to both help the client (or couple) explicate their needs or desires and help the therapist better understand what his or her client(s) is hoping to achieve in therapy. It is especially helpful for those who have never really taken the time to clarify what they want out of their relationship, either for themselves or for their partners.
This question can generally be worded as such (Howes, 2010):
“Suppose tonight, while you slept, a miracle occurred. When you awake tomorrow, what would be some of the things you would notice that would tell you life had suddenly gotten better?”
Even if one or both clients give describe a scenario that is absolutely impossible to achieve, their answer can still be useful for understanding their goals. In the scenario of an impossible ideal future state, the therapist can dig deeper into the couple’s “miracle” by asking, “How would that make a difference?” (Howes, 2010).
This question helps the couple believe in a more positive future for themselves, a future in which their problems are solved. This exercise can result in greater motivation to work at improving their relationship, enhanced confidence in the efficacy of couples therapy, and even instantaneous (but incremental) improvement in interactions between the two people.
Solution Focused Therapy (aka Brief Therapy) emerged in the 1980's as a branch of the systems therapies. A married therapist couple from Milwaukee, Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg, are credited with the name and basic practice of SFT. The theory focuses not on the past, but on what the client wants to achieve today. By making conscious all the ways the client is creating their ideal future and encouraging forward progress, clinicians point clients toward their goals rather than the problems that drove them to therapy.
The Miracle Question fits perfectly with this model. Imagining an ideal future and connecting it to the present immediately actualizes the work. Clients are challenged to look past their obstacles and hopelessness and focus on the possibilities.
It's cool because it's a relatively simple intervention that can have a powerful impact. Just take a look at the question (response #2). You're probably crafting your response already. It's creative, bold, healing, a bit mysterious and definitely has a cool name. The Top Ten designation is well deserved.
Don't just listen to me, hear it from an expert. Linda Metcalf, Ph.D. is founder of the Solution Focused Institute of Fort Worth, Texas and author of ten books including The Miracle Question: Answer It and Change Your Life. Beyond writing and therapy, she speaks internationally to schools, agencies and universities. She was kind enough to share her wisdom with us today.
1. When would a clinician use the Miracle Question?
The Miracle Question is a goal setting question that is useful when a client simply does not know what a preferred future would look like. It can be used with individuals to set the course for therapy, with couples, to clarify what each person needs from each other and with families, who too often see one person as the culprit. By using the Miracle Question and asking each person what a better life would look like, it is apparent, perhaps for the first time, what others need from each other.
2. What does it look like?
"Suppose tonight, while you slept, a miracle occurred. When you awake tomorrow, what would be some of the things you would notice that would tell you life had suddenly gotten better?"
The therapist stays with the question even if the client describes an "impossible" solution, such as a deceased person being alive, and acknowledges that wish and then asks "how would that make a difference in your life?" Then as the client describes that he/she might feel as if they have their companion back again, the therapist asks "how would that make a difference?" With that, the client may say, "I would have someone to confide in and support me." From there, the therapist would ask the client to think of others in the client's life who could begin to be a confidant in a very small manner.
3. How does it help the client?
It catapults the client from a problem saturated context into a visionary context where he/she has a moment of freedom, to step out of the problem story and into a story where they are more problem free. But, more importantly, it helps the therapist to know exactly what the client wants from therapy...and this is what makes Solution Focused Therapy so efficient and brief.
4. In your opinion, what makes the Miracle Question a cool intervention?
It helps the therapist see where the client wants to go. Too often, therapists assume that a client needs to grieve, leave their spouse, quit their job, after the client describes why he/she has come to therapy. The Miracle Question helps the client and therapist to address exactly what the client wants, not what the therapist thinks is best.
Listening Accurately Worksheet
Non Violent Communication and Listening Accurately. Let’s listen to understand, instead of listening to change the way the other person feels.
4 Tips to Have a Great Date
I hear these comments fairly often in my practice: “I’m not good at dating,” “I never know what to say” or “I can’t get past a 2nd or third date.” I also hear from my couples that their date nights are “boring” or “lacking connection.” Dating isn’t so much about what you say, but more about how you listen. Like Dale Carnegie wrote about in his classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, focus on being interested, not interesting. Although this advice was more about being a good salesmen, it can be applied to any relationship you have in your life. Everyone genuinely wants to feel understood and appreciated and nothing makes a person feel more understood than sincerely listening to him or her. If you keep this in mind, it can take some of the pressure off of you to feel like you need to have a bunch of interesting things going on in your life to share with the other person.
Based on John Gottman’s decades of observing people, here are 4 tips on how to have a great date, whether it’s a first date, 10th date, or a date with the spouse you’ve been with for 10 years!
Tip #1 Ask open-ended questions
There is a fine balance between asking a question that is too open such as “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” People tend to give one word responses to those questions, possibly because they aren’t sure you want to know the full answer. Instead ask questions that are still open but more directed, such as “How has your summer been going? Have any plans for vacations?” It might be a good idea to ask questions about goals or visions of the future. This will allow you to get to know the person’s aspirations and dreams. Be careful to watch your audience and gage if your questions are uncomfortable for the person and find the right level of disclosure.
“How’s your summer going? Have any vacation plans?”
“If you could have a job in another field, what type of job would you want to have?”
Tip #2 Listen to the person’s answers and find commonalities
As you ask open-ended questions, listen to the person’s answers and share something you have in common with what they are saying. People are more attracted to people who can relate to them and to those people with whom they share common ground. After you share a bit about yourself put the conversation back to them. Share enough to establish commonality and then ask a follow-up question to what they said earlier.
“Oh, you’re a teacher? My roommate is a teacher. He’s getting pretty stressed thinking about this upcoming school year. What do you do to prepare for the beginning of the school year? Maybe I could give him some tips from you.”
If your date had said he or she had returned from a vacation in California, a follow-up might be: “I love California, it’s such a diverse state, something for everyone! When I went there a few years ago we saw the Redwoods, I remember they were so tall and majestic. What did you see when you went there?”
Tip #3 Paraphrase what the person said and show non-verbally that you are listening
If you paraphrase what the person said, it shows them that you are listening. This is also helpful when asking questions or when mentioning a commonality.
“You seem to really love your job! How did you know you wanted to be a veterinarian?”
“You used to live in Lincoln Square? I love that neighborhood and spend a lot of time there! Have any gotta-go to places?”
Another helpful thing to do that shows people you are listening is to nod briefly or respond with a verbal cue “uh huh, yeah?, hmm.”
Tip #4 Let go of your own agenda
Try not to focus so much on the outcome of the conversation. It’s hard to focus on listening when you are trying to come up with your next interesting question to ask the person. Instead, focus on what the other person is saying in that moment and ask follow-up questions to further your understanding of what they are saying. Look for those emotional cues where you can empathize with what they are saying.
Above all, just listen to the other person with your full attention. Your ability to draw people out with a general curiosity about them will go further than if you were the most interesting person in the world.
How is The Gottman Method different from other types of couples therapy?
Infographic based on Gottman’s research
Infographic based off on Gottman’s research
Researched-Based
Dyadic and allows couples to apply skills during session in order to modify arguments so that they are more productive outside of session.
Designed to increase admiration for one another and enhance friendship—providing partners with the mutual understanding and skills that will serve them long after therapy is complete.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute, Gottman Method Couples Therapy is a research-based approach to strengthening relationships.
Dr. John Gottman has been studying relationships for decades, gaining insight about what makes relationships last. Over 3,000 couples participated in long-term research studies, which led to the development of one of the leading methods of couples therapy.
What are the goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy?
-To increase respect, affection and closeness,
-Break through and resolve conflict when partners feel stuck,
-Generate greater understanding between partners,
-And keep conflict discussions calm.
How do we accomplish this?
Drs. Gottman developed “The Sound Relationship House” which includes the 9 components of a healthy relationship. A therapist who is trained in The Gottman Method can keep your therapeutic work on track by including activities in session which help your relationship in these areas:
Build Love Maps (or how well you know your partner’s inner world).
Share Fondness and Admiration (the antidotes to contempt).
Turn Towards (small moments of relationship bonding).
The Positive Perspective (maintain positive view of your partner even in times of conflict).
Manage Conflict (how to manage conflict even when there isn’t a clear resolution).
Make Life Dreams Come True (encourage the couple to share honestly about hopes, values and aspirations).
Create Shared Meaning (understand the important stories and dreams for your relationship).
Trust (creating a secure feeling in the relationship).
Commitment (believing and acting as committed life partners).
As a relationship therapist in Tampa, Florida
I’ve had the privilege of training with the Gottmans and have completed Gottman Method Couples Therapy Levels I and II. Depending on your needs, I blend Gottman Method, NVC Communication and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) to give your relationship the best chance of success!
Make an appointment: www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment
Six Hours to a Better Relationship
Minor shifts in the way you interact with your partner can have a major impact on your relationship. The research of Drs John and Julie Gottman has uncovered some clear patterns of couples who's relationship improved over time compared to those who did not. These successful couples simply devoted a few minutes a day to connect with their partner and to maintain a positive relationship. That's it. Not some dramatic relationship overhaul, but rather small efforts throughout the week that took only minutes at a time, accumulating to 6 hours total. Test it out for yourself.
Top Rated Marriage Counselor In Tampa
I am honored to be among the top 3 rated marriage counselors in Tampa!
Thank you so very much for this recognition. I love what I do!
Feeling Honored and Passionate About Helping Couples & Families! ~Liz
Building Love Maps
Enhancing your Love Maps is really just about building your friendship on an intimate level.Research shows that the determining factor in whether wives and husbands feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So get to know each other! Ask your partner about their day and remember the little things about them. In times of conflict and despair, it will be your intimate friendship that strengthens your relationship.
THE RESEARCH
Dr. John Gottman has spent over 40 years studying marital stability through direct scientific observations of more than 3,000 couples. His research has provided him with valuable in- sight into what makes relationships succeed and fail. In fact, after sitting down with a couple for as little as 15 minutes, he can predict whether or not that couple will divorce with over 90% accuracy!
Together with his wife Dr. Julie Gottman, Dr. John Gottman developed the Sound RelationshipHouse Theory of successful relationships based on his breakthrough research findings. He considers this to be more rewarding than his divorce prediction model because it provides couples with scientifically proven tools to strengthen and divorce-proof their marriage.
BUILDING LOVE MAPS
Do you know what kind of salad dressing your partner likes? Do you know what their biggest stressor is right now? Is religion important to them? What are some of their deepest fears?
These are examples of details you may or may not know about your partner, and they restored in what Dr. Gottman calls your Love Maps. Enhancing your Love Maps is the first level of the Sound Relationship House, and Dr. Gottman uses this term to describe the part of your brain where you keep all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Emotionally intelligent couples remember all the major events in each other’s history, and continuously update their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s would change.
Knowing your partner not only deepens your bond, but also prepares you better for stressful events and conflict. In one study, Dr. Gottman found that after the birth of the first baby,67% of couples experiences a decline in marital satisfaction, while the other 33% did not experience this decline. In fact, half of these couples saw an improvement in their marriage.
What caused the difference in satisfaction between these two groups? Love Maps. The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had a deep understanding of each other’s worlds. The couples who didn’t start off with a deep knowledge about each other were thrown off course when they faced a dramatic shift in their lives.
Detailed Love Maps protected couples in the wake of this dramatic upheaval. Because husband and wife were already in the habit of keeping up to date and were intently aware of what each other was feeling and thinking, their marriage remained stable. But if couple don’t start off with a deep knowledge and understanding of each other, it’s easy for a marriage to lose its way when lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.
Having a baby is just one life event that can cause couples to fall apart if they don’t have a detailed Love Map. Any major change - such as the loss of a job, an illness, or retirement - can have the same effect on your relationship. This is why it’s crucial to keep up to date on your partner’s Love Map. The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to stay connected when life swirls around you.
WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS?
Enhancing your Love Maps is really just about building your friendship on an intimate level.Research shows that the determining factor in whether wives and husbands feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So get to know each other! Ask your partner about their day and remember the little things about them. In times of conflict and despair, it will be your intimate friendship that strengthens your relationship.
THE LOVE MAPS 20 QUESTIONS GAME
Now that you understand the importance of building Love Maps, and have assessed the quality of you and your partner’s current Love Maps, play a fun, light-hearted game with your partner. The more you play, the more you’ll learn about the Love Maps concept and how to apply it to your relationship.
Step 1: Both you and your partner take a piece of paper, and with a pen, write down twenty number between 1 and 60.
Step 2: On the next page is a list of numbered questions. Beginning with the top of your column, match the numbers you chose with the corresponding question. Each of you should ask your partner this question. If your spouse answers correctly (you be the judge), he or she receives a point. If your partner responds incorrectly, neither of you receives any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the higher score after you’ve both answer all twenty questions.
Play this game as frequently as you’d like. The more you play, the more you’ll come to understand the concept of a Love Map and the kind of information yours should include about your spouse.
1. Name two of my closest friends (2)
2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)
3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)
4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)
5. Where was I born? (1)
6. What stresses am I facing right now? (4)
7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)
8. When is my birthday? (1)
9. What is the date of our anniversary? (1)
10. Who is my favorite relative? (2)
11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)
12. What is my favorite website? (2)
13. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)
14. What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking? (3)
15. What makes me feel most competent? (4)
16. What turns me on sexually? (3)
17. What is my favorite meal? (2)
18. What is my favorite way to spend an evening? (2)
19. What is my favorite color? (1)
20. What personal improvements do I want to the least? (3)
21. What kind of present would I like best? (2)
22. What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)
23. What was my favorite vacation? (2)
24. What is one of my favorite ways to relax? (4)
25. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)
30. What is my favorite movie? (2)
31. What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them? (4)
32. What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)
33. Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)
34. What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)
35. Name one of my major rivals or enemies. (3)
36. What would I consider my dream job? (4)
37. What do I fear the most? (4)
38. Who is my least favorite relative? (3)
39. What is my favorite holiday? (2)
40. What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3)
41. What is my favorite TV show? (2)
42. Which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)
43. What am I most sad about? (4)
44. Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)
45. What medical problems do I worry about? (2)
46. What was my most embarrassing moment? (3)
47. What was my worst childhood experience? (3)
48. Name two people I most admire. (4)
49. Name my favorite ice cream flavor. (2)
50. Of all the people we both know, who do I like
51. What is one of my favorite desserts? (2)
52. What is my social security number? (2)
53. Name one of my novels. (2)
54. What is my favorite restaurant? (2)
55. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, make in my life? (4)
56. Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? (4)
57. What foods do I hate? (2)
58. What is my favorite animal? (2)
59. What is my favorite song? (2)
60. Which sports teams is my favorite? (2)
ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
Now that you understand the concept of Love Maps, we will provide you with a list of open-ended questions to ask your partner. These are questions that can’t be answered with a quick “yes” or “no.” You and your partner will take turns being the speaker and the listener. After your partner answers your question, follow up with an open-ended question of your own, then answer the original question you asked your partner. Then your partner asks you an open-ended question, and so on. These questions take longer to answer, so you don’t have to answer all of them in one sitting. This will be an enlightening way to build your love maps over time.
1. How would you like your life to be different three years from now?
2. Do you see your work changing in the future? How?
3. What is your opinion of your physical home? Would you make changes if you could?
4. How do you think your life would be different if lived a hundred years ago?
5. How would you compare yourself as a mother (father) to your mother (father)?
6. What kind of person do you think our child(ten) will become? Any fears? Hopes?
7. How are you feeling about your jobs these days?
8. If you could redo a five-year periods of your life, which would you choose?
9. How are you feeling right now about being a parent?
10. If you could change one thing in your past, what would it be?
11. What is the most exciting thing happening in your life right now?
16. What were the best and worst things that happened to you when you were a teen?
17. If you could live in another time in history, when would you choose and why?
18. If you could choose a different career or vocation, shat would it be, and why?
19. What is the one thing you would most lie to change about your personality? Why?
20. Do you feel like certain things are missing from your life? What are they?
21. Do you think you’ve changed in the last year? How so?
22. If you could design the perfect home for us, what would it be like?
23. If you could live another person’s life, whose would you choose?
24. Have any of your life goals recently changed?
25. What are some of you life dreams now?
26. What are your goals for us as family?
27. What goals do you have just for yourself right now?
All of the above questions will help you develop greater personal insight and a more de- tailed map of each other’s life and world. Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self with your partner is an ongoing process. In fact, it’s a lifelong process. So think of questions to ask your partner; the key to sustaining a happy marriage is to periodically ask what’s going on in their life.
For all of their power, Love Maps are only a first step. Happily married couples don’t “just”know each other. They build on and enhance this knowledge in many important ways. There are six other levels of the Sound Relationship House that are key to a happy relationship, including nurturing fondness and admiration, turning towards each other, letting your partner influence you, solving your solvable problems, overcoming gridlock, and creating shared meaning.