SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
Intentionally Living Compassionately: 28 Days of Nonviolent Communication ~A Daily Guide to Transforming Your Relationships with Empathy and Understanding
Are you struggling to express yourself clearly, feel heard in your relationships, or resolve conflicts peacefully? Live Compassion is a 28-day guided journey designed to help you master the principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to cultivate deeper connections, emotional intelligence, and harmonious relationships.
At South Tampa Therapy, Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney specializes in relationship counseling, communication coaching, and emotional wellness, guiding individuals and couples to foster healthy conversations, meaningful connections, and conflict resolution.
If you are ready to transform the way you communicate and strengthen your personal and professional relationships, this guide is for you.
Live Intentionally and Compassionately: A 28-Day Journey to Transform Your Communication and Relationships
A Guide to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) for Deeper Connection
Are you struggling to express yourself clearly, feel heard in your relationships, or resolve conflicts peacefully? Live Compassion is a 28-day guided journey designed to help you master the principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to cultivate deeper connections, emotional intelligence, and harmonious relationships.
At South Tampa Therapy, Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney specializes in relationship counseling, communication coaching, and emotional wellness, guiding individuals and couples to foster healthy conversations, meaningful connections, and conflict resolution.
If you are ready to transform the way you communicate and strengthen your personal and professional relationships, this guide is for you.
What You Will Learn in 28 Days
Each day introduces a key theme, reflection, and practical exercise to help you apply compassionate communication in everyday situations. You will:
✅ Break free from unhealthy communication patterns
✅ Learn to express your needs without conflict
✅ Listen more effectively and deeply understand others
✅ Turn conflicts into opportunities for connection
✅ Strengthen relationships with your partner, family, friends, and colleagues
Let’s begin your journey toward mindful, compassionate communication.
Week 1: The Foundation of Compassionate Communication
Day 1: The Power of Awareness
📝 Reflection: How present are you in your daily conversations? Do you truly listen, or are you waiting for your turn to speak?
💡 Exercise: Notice your internal dialogue today. Write down moments when you feel reactive or disengaged. Awareness is the foundation of change.
📖 Quote: "Awareness is the greatest agent for change." – Eckhart Tolle
Day 2: Observing Without Judgment
📝 Reflection: Separating observations from judgments reduces misunderstandings and defensiveness.
💡 Exercise: Think of a recent disagreement. Rewrite the situation neutrally, avoiding interpretations or assumptions.
Day 3: Identifying Feelings
📝 Reflection: Instead of saying, “I feel ignored,” which is an interpretation, express the true emotion, like "I feel lonely."
💡 Exercise: Label your emotions accurately throughout the day. Use an emotions list if needed.
Day 4: Connecting with Needs
📝 Reflection: Every emotion signals a met or unmet need.
💡 Exercise: When frustrated, ask yourself, “What need is not being met?” Shift from blaming others to recognizing your own needs.
Day 5: Expressing Needs Clearly
📝 Reflection: Stating your needs in a collaborative, non-defensive way fosters understanding.
💡 Exercise: Practice this formula:
"I feel [emotion] because I need [need]. Would you be willing to [request]?"
Day 6: Active Listening & Presence
📝 Reflection: True listening requires full presence—not just hearing, but understanding.
💡 Exercise: Today, summarize what someone says before responding. Notice how this deepens connection.
Day 7: Practicing Empathy
📝 Reflection: Empathy is about feeling with someone, not fixing their problems.
💡 Exercise: Next time someone shares their struggles, avoid giving advice. Instead, ask, “Would you like support or just someone to listen?”
Week 2: Deepening Connection Through Expression
Day 8: Self-Compassion First
You can’t give true compassion to others without first offering it to yourself.
💡 Exercise: Write yourself a self-compassion letter about a recent mistake, using the same kindness you would offer a friend.
Day 9: Making Requests, Not Demands
💡 Exercise: Take a past demand and rewrite it as a request that allows the other person choice.
Day 10: Handling Conflict with Curiosity
💡 Exercise: When triggered, pause and ask: “What else could be going on here?”
Day 11: Understanding Triggers
💡 Exercise: Identify one emotional trigger and reflect on how past experiences shape your reaction.
Day 12: Saying No with Compassion
💡 Exercise: Think of a time you said “yes” when you meant “no.” How could you express your boundary with kindness and clarity?
Day 13: Transforming Conflict into Connection
💡 Exercise: Choose an unresolved conflict and apply NVC’s four steps:
Observation (What happened?)
Feeling (How do you feel?)
Need (What need is unmet?)
Request (What would you like to happen?)
Day 14: Cultivating Presence in Conversations
💡 Exercise: Engage in a conversation without formulating your response in your head. Just listen.
Week 3: Strengthening Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence
Day 15: The Role of Self-Compassion in NVC
💡 Exercise: Write a self-compassionate letter about a recent mistake.
Day 16: Speaking Your Truth Without Fear
💡 Exercise: Identify one area where you’ve withheld your truth and write an NVC statement to express it clearly.
Day 17: Moving from Criticism to Curiosity
💡 Exercise: Next time you want to criticize, pause and ask a genuine question instead.
Day 18: The Power of "Yes, And…"
💡 Exercise: Reframe a disagreement using "Yes, and…" instead of "Yes, but…".
Day 19: Honoring Boundaries with Compassion
💡 Exercise: Write a boundary statement using NVC principles.
Day 20: Releasing Resentment Through Empathy
💡 Exercise: Write a letter from the perspective of someone you resent. What needs might they have been trying to meet?
Week 4: Transforming Relationships Through NVC
Day 21: The Art of Listening Without Fixing
💡 Exercise: In your next conversation, avoid offering solutions. Just hold space.
Day 22: Understanding and Expressing Anger
💡 Exercise: Identify what unmet need is beneath your anger.
Day 23: Holding Space Without Absorbing Others' Emotions
💡 Exercise: Before responding to someone’s distress, check in with your own emotional state.
Day 24: The Power of Gratitude in Relationships
💡 Exercise: Express one specific appreciation to someone daily.
Day 25: Navigating Disagreements with Compassion
💡 Exercise: Pause and separate the person from their behavior before responding.
Day 26: Making Requests Instead of Demands
💡 Exercise: Rewrite an ignored request as an NVC-based one.
Day 27: The Power of a Pause
💡 Exercise: Before reacting emotionally, pause for five seconds.
Day 28: Choosing Connection Over Being Right
💡 Exercise: Before arguing, ask: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be connected?"
Ready to Transform Your Relationships?
This 28-day guide is just the beginning. At South Tampa Therapy, Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney helps individuals and couples master healthy communication, emotional intelligence, and relationship skills.
📅 Book a session today to continue your journey toward deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Core Principles from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg
This structured approach ensures both theoretical understanding and practical implementation, leading to real-world transformation in communication and relationships.
By Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, South Tampa Therapy Owner, Counselor & Supervisor
Core Principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
1. Observations vs. Evaluations
• Separate factual observations from interpretations or judgments.
• Example: Instead of saying, “You’re always late,” say, “You arrived 15 minutes after our agreed time.”
2. Feelings vs. Thoughts
• Distinguish emotions from thoughts and interpretations.
• Example: Instead of saying, “I feel like you don’t care about me,” say, “I feel hurt and unimportant when you cancel our plans.”
3. Needs vs. Strategies
• Identify core needs behind feelings rather than focusing solely on solutions.
• Example: Instead of “I need you to text me every morning,” say, “I need connection and reassurance.”
4. Requests vs. Demands
• Formulate clear, actionable, and voluntary requests.
• Example: Instead of “Stop interrupting me,” say, “Could you wait until I finish my sentence before responding?”
5. Empathic Listening & Honest Expression
• Listen with presence, reflect feelings and needs, and express with vulnerability.
• Example: “Are you feeling overwhelmed because you need more support?”
Action-Focused Summary with Implementation Steps
Step 1: Self-Awareness Practices (Days 1-7)
• Daily Reflection: Identify moments where you react with judgment and rewrite them using NVC.
• Feeling Journal: Track emotions and link them to unmet needs.
• Self-Compassion Exercise: When judging yourself, ask: “What need was I trying to meet?”
Step 2: Empathic Listening & Reframing (Days 8-15)
• Active Listening Challenge: Spend a full conversation reflecting the speaker’s feelings and needs without giving advice.
• Daily Practice: Replace criticism with observations and curiosity.
• “Guess the Need” Game: Identify the needs behind other people’s words in conversations or social media posts.
Step 3: Expressing Needs & Making Requests (Days 16-23)
• Request Rewrites: Take past conflicts and transform them into clear, needs-based requests.
• Role-Playing Conversations: Practice expressing emotions and needs with a friend or mirror.
• “Needs Before Solutions” Drill: When frustrated, identify and state your need before suggesting an action.
Step 4: Conflict Resolution & Real-Life Application (Days 24-30)
• Use NVC in a Difficult Conversation: Approach a real-life disagreement using the four-step NVC model.
• “Compassionate Self-Talk” Practice: When self-critical, express your emotions and needs with kindness.
• Empathy Buddy System: Pair with someone to check in daily and debrief difficult conversations.
Knowledge Application Score
Assess your progress (0-10 scale):
1. Can you observe without evaluating in daily situations?
2. Are you able to identify your own emotions clearly?
3. Can you pinpoint the underlying needs behind emotions?
4. How often do you transform demands into requests?
5. Can you listen empathically without fixing or judging?
Scoring Guide:
• 0-4: Awareness stage—keep practicing self-reflection and journaling.
• 5-7: Growth stage—begin applying NVC in low-stakes conversations.
• 8-10: Mastery stage—consistently using NVC in high-stress situations.
Real-World Test Scenarios for NVC Practice
1. Handling Criticism at Work:
• A colleague says, “You never finish projects on time.”
• NVC Response: “Are you feeling frustrated because you need reliability in teamwork?”
2. Conflict with a Partner:
• Your partner says, “You don’t care about me.”
• NVC Response: “Are you feeling hurt because you need more connection and reassurance?”
3. Addressing Family Tension:
• A parent says, “You never call me.”
• NVC Response: “Are you feeling lonely because you need more communication?”
4. Expressing a Need at Work:
• Instead of saying, “I’m overworked and stressed,” say:
• “I feel overwhelmed because I need more balance. Can we discuss redistributing some tasks?”
5. Managing Internal Self-Judgment:
• Instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough,” reframe:
• “I feel insecure because I need reassurance and growth.”
This structured approach ensures both theoretical understanding and practical implementation, leading to real-world transformation in communication and relationships.
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist
❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩❤️👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA
Breaking Down Nonviolent Communication (NVC) into 5 Core Principles
1. Observations vs. Evaluations – “The Security Camera vs. The Judge”
• Metaphor: Imagine a security camera recording a scene. It captures exactly what happens—no opinions, no judgments. Now imagine a judge—interpreting, blaming, or assuming intentions.
• Real-World Example: Instead of saying, “You’re rude!” (judgment), say, “You interrupted me twice while I was speaking.” (observation).
2. Feelings vs. Thoughts – “The Weather Report vs. The News Opinion Piece”
• Metaphor: A weather report states the temperature and conditions without judgment. A news opinion piece adds interpretation and bias.
• Real-World Example: Instead of saying, “I feel like you don’t care about me,” say, “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together.”
3. Needs vs. Strategies – “The Hungry Child vs. The Candy Bar”
• Metaphor: A child crying for a candy bar isn’t just craving sugar; they need food. The candy bar is one strategy, but the core need is nourishment.
• Real-World Example: Instead of demanding, “Call me every night,”say, “I need connection and reassurance; would you be open to checking in once a day?”
4. Requests vs. Demands – “The Invitation vs. The Command”
• Metaphor: An invitation gives a choice, fostering goodwill. A command pressures and creates resistance.
• Real-World Example: Instead of saying, “Stop interrupting me!” say, “Could you let me finish my sentence before responding?”
5. Empathic Listening & Honest Expression – “The Mirror vs. The Megaphone”
• Metaphor: A mirror reflects back what it sees, creating understanding. A megaphone amplifies only its own voice.
• Real-World Example: Instead of reacting, “You’re overreacting!” try, “Are you feeling frustrated because you need to be heard?”
Mini-Challenges to Test Understanding
• Day 1: Observe a conversation and write down only factual observations.
• Day 2: Spot the difference between feelings and interpretations in your thoughts.
• Day 3: Identify a personal need and separate it from any strategies you use to meet it.
• Day 4: Rephrase a demand you’ve made recently into a request.
• Day 5: Practice reflecting someone’s emotions and needs in conversation.
• Day 6: Have a conversation where you only listen and ask clarifying questions.
• Day 7: Apply all steps in a real conflict or disagreement.
7-Day Mastery Path with Quick-Win Milestones
(Each day focuses on a simple action for immediate clarity and impact.)
Day 1: See Clearly (Observations vs. Evaluations)
• Quick Win: Journal an event using only objective observations.
• Mini-Test: Spot 3 judgments in past conversations and reframe them.
• Clarity Score: [ ] Identified all judgments → 10
[ ] Missed a few → 7
[ ] Struggled → 5
Day 2: Feel the Difference (Feelings vs. Thoughts)
• Quick Win: Write 5 emotions and 5 thoughts; separate them.
• Mini-Test: Identify emotions in three past conversations.
• Clarity Score: [ ] Clear on the difference → 10
[ ] Mixed some up → 7
[ ] Struggled → 5
Day 3: Get to the Root (Needs vs. Strategies)
• Quick Win: Identify one unmet need from today’s emotions.
• Mini-Test: Find a time you mistook a strategy for a need.
• Clarity Score: [ ] Can name needs easily → 10
[ ] Somewhat clear → 7
[ ] Still blending needs & strategies → 5
Day 4: Invite, Don’t Demand (Requests vs. Demands)
• Quick Win: Reframe a demand into a request.
• Mini-Test: Make a small request today and notice the response.
• Clarity Score: [ ] Request felt natural → 10
[ ] Some pushback → 7
[ ] Felt awkward or forced → 5
Day 5: Reflect & Connect (Empathic Listening)
• Quick Win: Listen to a friend and reflect their emotions/needs.
• Mini-Test: See if they correct or confirm your reflection.
• Clarity Score: [ ] Felt deeply connected → 10
[ ] Some clarity but not fully engaged → 7
[ ] Struggled to reflect correctly → 5
Day 6: Deep Listening Challenge
• Quick Win: Have a conversation where you only listen and clarify.
• Mini-Test: Did the other person feel heard?
• Clarity Score: [ ] They felt fully heard → 10
[ ] Partial clarity → 7
[ ] Struggled to stay engaged → 5
Day 7: Real-World Test
• Quick Win: Apply all steps in a challenging conversation.
• Mini-Test: Reflect on how it changed the interaction.
• Clarity Score: [ ] Transformed the conversation → 10
[ ] Some progress → 7
[ ] Felt challenging → 5
This step-by-step mastery path ensures deep understanding, practical use, and immediate improvement in communication!
Self-Care: Nurturing Yourself Amidst Life's Demands
Incorporating self-care into a busy schedule may require intention and creativity, but the benefits are well worth the effort. By making self-care a priority, even amidst life's demands, you can cultivate greater balance, resilience, and well-being, enabling you to show up fully and authentically in all areas of your life.
In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to put self-care on the back burner, especially when juggling multiple responsibilities and commitments. However, even in the midst of busy schedules, prioritizing self-care is essential for maintaining balance, well-being, and resilience. Here are some practical tips for incorporating self-care into your busy life:
Schedule it in: Treat self-care activities as non-negotiable appointments in your calendar. Block out time each day—even if it's just a few minutes—for activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Whether it's a quick meditation session, a brisk walk outdoors, or a relaxing cup of tea, prioritize these moments as you would any other important task.
Keep it simple: Self-care doesn't have to be elaborate or time-consuming. Look for simple activities that you can integrate seamlessly into your daily routine. This could be as basic as taking deep breaths throughout the day to center yourself, practicing gratitude before bed, or indulging in a favorite hobby during your lunch break.
Multitask mindfully: While multitasking is often seen as a necessity in busy schedules, it can also be an opportunity to incorporate self-care. For example, listen to uplifting podcasts or audiobooks while commuting, practice mindfulness while doing household chores, or engage in gentle stretches while watching TV.
Set boundaries: Learn to say no to activities or commitments that drain your energy and detract from your well-being. Prioritize tasks that align with your values and goals, and don't hesitate to delegate or ask for support when needed. Setting boundaries around your time and energy is essential for maintaining balance and preventing burnout.
Practice self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself on days when self-care feels challenging. Remember that self-care is not about perfection but about making a conscious effort to prioritize your well-being amidst life's demands. If you miss a self-care session or feel overwhelmed, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it's okay to prioritize rest and recharge.
Find creative solutions: Get creative with how you incorporate self-care into your routine. Look for opportunities to combine activities or adapt them to fit your schedule. For example, invite a friend to join you for a workout or meditation session, or turn your daily commute into a mindfulness practice by tuning into your surroundings and savoring the moment.
Start small and build momentum: If incorporating self-care into your routine feels overwhelming, start with small, manageable steps and gradually build momentum over time. Set achievable goals and celebrate your progress along the way. Remember that consistency is key, and even small acts of self-care can have a cumulative and transformative impact on your well-being.
Incorporating self-care into a busy schedule may require intention and creativity, but the benefits are well worth the effort. By making self-care a priority, even amidst life's demands, you can cultivate greater balance, resilience, and well-being, enabling you to show up fully and authentically in all areas of your life.
By Brianna Roskamp
Book with her here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/BriannaRoskamp
I Will Help You Connect On A Deeper Level With Your Partner!
I can help couples slow down, communicate more effectively, and build a deeper emotional connection.
I’m looking forward to meeting you and helping connect with your partner now…
Slowing partners down during a session to facilitate deeper connection can be crucial in helping them communicate more effectively and understand each other's emotions more fully. Here are some strategies you we can use together during a session:
1. Mindful Breathing Together
What: Invite the couple to engage in a few moments of mindful breathing together before they begin discussing difficult topics.
Why: This can help ground them in the present moment, reduce anxiety, and create a calmer atmosphere for deeper connection.
2. Reflective Listening
What: Encourage each partner to take turns speaking without interruption while the other listens attentively. After one partner speaks, the other should reflect back what they heard, focusing on understanding the emotions and needs expressed.
Why: Reflective listening ensures that each partner feels heard and validated, which fosters empathy and deeper emotional connection.
3. Use of "I" Statements
What: Guide the couple to use "I" statements (e.g., "I feel..." or "I need...") instead of "You" statements, which can often feel accusatory.
Why: "I" statements help each partner express their feelings and needs without blaming or attacking the other, which slows down reactive responses and opens the door for more meaningful dialogue.
4. Pausing and Checking In
What: Introduce pauses during the conversation where each partner can check in with themselves and each other. Ask them to reflect on what they are feeling in the moment and how they are responding to what is being said.
Why: Pausing helps interrupt automatic reactions and allows both partners to process their emotions and thoughts more deeply before continuing the conversation.
5. Emotional Validation
What: Encourage partners to acknowledge and validate each other's emotions before moving on to problem-solving or responses.
Why: Validation shows understanding and empathy, which can slow down the pace of the conversation and allow for a deeper emotional connection.
6. Use of Metaphors or Visualizations
What: Introduce metaphors or visualizations to help partners understand each other's emotional states or experiences more deeply (e.g., “Imagine your partner is carrying a heavy backpack. What might be inside?”).
Why: Metaphors and visualizations can shift the conversation from surface-level issues to the underlying emotional dynamics, facilitating deeper understanding.
7. Focused Eye Contact
What: Ask the couple to make and maintain eye contact for a few moments without speaking.
Why: Eye contact can be a powerful way to foster connection, allowing partners to feel more emotionally attuned and connected.
8. Slow Down the Pace of Speech
What: Encourage each partner to speak more slowly and deliberately, focusing on their tone and word choice.
Why: Slowing down speech helps reduce defensiveness and allows for more thoughtful, intentional communication.
9. Set Time for Self-Reflection
What: Suggest that each partner take a few minutes to silently reflect on their emotions and needs before responding during a discussion.
Why: Self-reflection helps partners understand their own emotions more clearly, leading to more meaningful exchanges.
10. Highlighting Positive Interactions
What: During sessions, focus on and amplify moments where partners successfully connect or show understanding towards each other.
Why: Reinforcing positive interactions can help partners slow down and appreciate these moments, fostering a deeper connection.
By implementing these strategies, I can help couples slow down, communicate more effectively, and build a deeper emotional connection.
I’m looking forward to meeting you and helping connect with your partner now…
By Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D
SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY, WELLNESS, MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY
Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Marriage & Family Therapist
❤️ Marriage & Family Therapist 💍 Gottman Relationship Counselor 🧠 Licensed Mental Health Counselor 🏫 Harvard Trained ❤️🩹 Emotion Focused Therapist 👂🏽 Non-Violent Communication Facilitator 🌎 National Certified Counselor👩🏼⚕️ Private Practitioner 📈 Entrepreneur, Author & Mentor 🎓Qualified Supervisor for State Licensure ⚖️ FL Supreme Court Family Law Mediator 🥅 Solution Focused ✌🏻Conflict Resolver 🥰 Self Compassion & Self Care Advocate 🧘🏼♀️ Mindfulness Meditating Yogi 🤔 Daily Intentions & Reflections 👩❤️👨 Attachment Theorist 🗣 Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner ✏️ Agile Learning Center Founder 📚 Self Directed Education Alliance 🧑🌾 Grower: Fruit Trees & Herbs 🍽 Psychology of Eating & Nutrition 👩🏫 Life Long Learner... 📍 Tampa, FL & Jurisdiction to practice in FL, CT, NC, SC, MD, VA
The Power of Assertive Communication: Why It Matters and How to Master It
Assertive communication is a powerful tool for improving relationships, enhancing emotional intelligence, and reducing stress. Recognizing when we're being passive or aggressive and consciously communicating assertively can create more respectful, fulfilling interactions in every area of our lives.
In a world where communication styles can make or break personal or professional relationships, understanding how to communicate assertively is crucial. Assertive communication is about standing up for our rights while respecting others. It's a delicate balance between being passive, letting others walk all over us, and being aggressive, where we might overpower others to get our way.
But why is assertive communication so important? And how can we recognize when we're being passive or aggressive? Let's dive into these questions and explore how mastering assertiveness can transform our interactions and relationships:
Assertiveness isn't just about getting what we want—it's about expressing our needs and feelings in a healthy, respectful way. When communicating, we build relationships by clearly stating our needs without attacking or blaming others. This creates a foundation of mutual respect and understanding, fostering more robust, trusting relationships. Recognizing and expressing our emotions and needs also helps us develop deeper emotional intelligence. This self-awareness allows us to better understand not only our feelings but also the feelings of those around us.
Moreover, assertive communication reduces stress and resentment. When we fail to communicate assertively, we often bottle up our emotions, leading to anxiety and resentment. Assertiveness allows us to express ourselves openly, preventing these negative feelings from building up. It also promotes accountability. Assertive communication encourages us to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. By acknowledging our role in interactions, we avoid the pitfalls of blaming others and instead focus on finding constructive solutions.
Understanding passive, aggressive, and assertive communication is vital to mastering assertiveness. Passive communicators often avoid conflict at all costs. They might say "yes" when they mean "no" or stay silent when disagreeing. This can lead to frustration and powerlessness, as their needs and desires are never addressed. Common signs of passive communication include averted gaze, slouched posture, and phrases like "maybe" or "I guess."
On the other hand, aggressive communicators express their needs and desires in a forceful, often hostile manner. They might dominate conversations, interrupt others, or use sarcasm and put-downs. While this style can sometimes achieve short-term goals, it often damages relationships and creates a hostile environment. Signs of aggressive communication include loud, condescending speech, invading personal space, and making demands.
In contrast, assertive communicators express their needs and feelings honestly and directly while also respecting the rights and feelings of others. They use "I" statements, maintain eye contact, and speak in a clear, firm tone. This communication style leads to mutual respect and healthier interactions.
In specific contexts, particularly in industries that prize competition or in cultures that value machismo, aggressive communication can be seen as a sign of strength or assertiveness; however, while it may be effective in these environments, it often comes at a cost. Aggressive communication can damage relationships, create a toxic atmosphere, and lead to long-term consequences like isolation or burnout. In contrast, assertive communication allows us to maintain integrity while achieving our goals. It's a more sustainable way to navigate personal and professional interactions, leading to more meaningful and respectful relationships.
If you recognize passive or aggressive tendencies in your communication, don't worry—assertiveness is a skill that can be developed with practice. Start by identifying unassertive thoughts that might be holding you back. For example, beliefs like "I shouldn't say what I want because it's selfish" or "If I assert myself, people won't like me" can undermine your ability to communicate assertively. Once you've identified these thoughts, challenge them. Ask yourself whether they're true. Reframe them into more positive, assertive beliefs, such as "I have the right to express my needs" or "Assertive communication builds stronger relationships."
Next, practice assertive statements. Use "I" statements to express your needs and feelings without blaming others. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when I must take on extra work at the last minute. I would appreciate it if we could plan ahead." Learning to set boundaries and say "no" when necessary is a critical part of assertiveness. Remember that you have the right to protect your time and energy, at the same time respecting others' rights. Assertiveness isn't just about meeting your needs but also respecting others'. Listen actively, acknowledge others' perspectives, and seek mutually beneficial solutions.
Finally, tools like thought diaries and behavioral experiments from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you track your progress and refine your assertive communication skills. Assertive communication is a powerful tool for improving relationships, enhancing emotional intelligence, and reducing stress. Recognizing when we're being passive or aggressive and consciously communicating assertively can create more respectful, fulfilling interactions in every area of our lives.
Start practicing assertiveness today, and see its positive impact on your personal and professional relationships!
By Ari Leal, Therapist
Book with Ari here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AriLeal
Cultivate A Secure Attachment Style... without Being Anxious or Avoidant
individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.
People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.
All relationships are unique - one explanation won't describe them all
Every human being craves a sense of belonging, either toward family, friends, or a spouse. When humans become attached to someone, the influence of one on the other regulates their natural states. It influences each other's psychological and emotional well-being.
Humans need to form close bonds with others in order to feel secure and safe in life.
Relationship problems can be excruciating; they encompass the innermost core of people's lives.
No one has a finite description that fits the bill as each case of relationship issues is unique and personal, coming from an endless number of possible root causes.
You may suffer from constant tension and emotional problems if your partner cannot meet your basic needs, which can have severe consequences on your emotional well-being, self-esteem, and even physical health. That's why it's essential to understand your attachment style and the attachment style of people close to you, especially your spouse.
Research has shown there are three main attachment styles or manners in which people see, understand, and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. These findings are parallel to those found in children:
Secure attachment style
Anxious attachment style
Avoidant attachment style
If you are someone with an anxious attachment style, you'll spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about whether your partner loves or cares for you. You will also be bothered about if they're spending enough time with you and what is going on in their mind when they don't call you back within a few minutes of missing your call.
The avoidant attachment style indicates that you value your independence and time alone more than your relationship. A secure attachment style fits between both styles. It is an ideal balance between caring enough and not worrying too much.
People with each of these attachment styles show lots of differences in:
The way they see intimacy and togetherness.
The way they deal with conflict.
Their behavior towards sex.
Their ability and means to communicate their wishes and needs.
Their expectations and desires from their partner and the relationship.
In this summary, you will learn more about how you develop attachments to other people and how to enhance your relationships and become closer. After all, isn't that what we all want?
Attachment styles are dictated by your upbringing
Your current attachment style is determined by how you were cared for as a baby. In other words, if your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you would have a secure attachment style. If your parents were inconsistent and inappropriately responsive, you would likely develop an anxious attachment style. If they were distant, rigid, uncaring, and unresponsive, you would probably display an avoidant attachment style.
But this doesn't mean you can't change your attachment style over time; you would need to have positive experiences with partners, friends, and family members in order to turn the tide to help rewire your brain into thinking a new way.
The way you were treated as a child affects your life in a huge way. You learn how to love, feel, and react from your parents.
However, total change isn't always necessary.
Sometimes it's better to understand your current style of attachment, work out the negative elements and twist them into something positive, and learn to get the most out of your situation.
Someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to be more at ease when away from their partner. That doesn't mean they're instantly going to be comfortable with it and have no issues from that point onwards. It simply means that they're making baby steps towards changing a harmful habit. Whether a person can ever entirely change their attachment style is very debatable. What you can do is identify your partner's attachment style and be more understanding.
Did you know? The "dependency paradox" states that the closer you are to your partner, the more independent you're able to become on your own.
It means that you know you have someone close to you if you need support or help.
When you understand attachment, you're able to connect more meaningfully with other people.
Understanding your specific attachment profile will help you know yourself more, achieve more goals, and guide you in your relations with others, bringing happiness and fulfillment to your relationships.
When people hear about relationship attachment styles, they usually have no difficulty recognizing their style. Some people declare right away, "I'm anxious," "I'm avoidant," or, "I think I'm secure," while others have a more challenging time figuring it out.
Attachment styles are stable most of the time but still subject to change.
If you find it difficult figuring out your attachment style, the following guide will help:
If you feel quite relaxed around your partner and you're not constantly questioning the connection, you're secure in your union.
Suppose you desire and long for intimacy and closeness, but you have many insecurities, are unsure where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does sets you off and anger you. In this case, you're probably anxious.
You're probably avoidant if you feel uncomfortable when things become steamy and intimate, or you value your independence and freedom more than any relationship.
Discovering other people's attachment styles is usually more stringent than identifying your own. You alone know yourself best, but knowing yourself is not just how you behave; it's also what you feel and think when in a relationship. To make this easier, most people give away all the clues about their attachment style by how they live their lives and their actions without even knowing it. The deal is to know what to look for.
Golden Rules for discovering your partner's attachment style:
Find out whether they seek intimacy and closeness.
Discover how preoccupied and involved they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection.
Don't focus on one "symptom," look for various signs.
Assess their reaction to effective communication.
Be alert and look for what they are not saying or doing
Things to note before getting serious with a partner
When getting involved with someone, carefully tread; the stakes are high, and your happiness depends on it, especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which love attaches us.
People with an anxious attachment style are quick to notice changes in others' emotional expressions. They are also sensitive to other people's cues. However, they also jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people's emotional states.
Practicing patience is an essential lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style.
If you can wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will be able to understand the world around you and use it to your advantage.
If you're anxious, you may want to learn a lot about dating someone avoidant because of the following reasons:
You want closeness and intimacy, and they want to maintain some distance - emotionally and physically.
You are very sensitive to any rejection, and they send mixed signals that you often interpret as rejection.
You often find it challenging to read verbal and non-verbal cues during communication and they don't think it's their responsibility to do so.
You need to be reassured, shown love, and feel loved, but they tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their own attachment system.
Effective communication means that you communicate in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot but allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.
Learn what suppresses your ability to attach to others in a meaningful way
Your attachment style decides what you expect in relationships, how you interpret and see romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner.
Avoidant attachment types may try to keep people at a distance, even in a serious relationship.
Here are some popular strategies that suppress one's attachment system:
Acting or thinking, "I'm not ready to commit"
Focusing on minute imperfections in your partner
Flirting with others without caring about your partner's thoughts
Not saying, "I love you," often
Avoiding physical closeness
If you're avoidant, you may unconsciously act out these small, everyday deactivating strategies to ensure that the person you love won't get in the way of your freedom.
Imagine if a parent couldn't read their infant's cues. The parent wouldn't tell whether their baby is hungry or tired, wanting to be held or left alone, wet or sick. How difficult life would be for the baby and the parents. The baby would have to labor hard and cry so much longer to be understood.
An avoidant attachment style can often make you feel like this. You will not be firm at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover's mental state, causing a lot of problems in your relationship.
However, the good news is that there are things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away, such as:
Identifying deactivating strategies.
Removing emphasis on self-reliance and focusing on mutual support.
Being with a very secure partner.
Knowing your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.
Avoidants should embrace the idea of finding a partner who is a fit for them to help push down their avoidant behaviors and thoughts so they can focus on the positives.
Cultivate the secure attachment style to enjoy higher levels of satisfaction.
Many experts agree those with avoidant attachment styles tend to be less happy and satisfied in their relationships, because they can never totally connect with their partner. They will always have something on their minds that makes them question whether it's right, safe, and appropriate to be there.
It is believed that each attachment style evolved and improved to increase the survival chances of humans in particular environments.
Studies have demonstrated that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher satisfaction levels in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Happiness is the primary measure of satisfaction.
People with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. Secure people naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.
People with secure attachment styles fare better in relationships and create fantastic effects, raising their insecure partner's relationship satisfaction and functioning to a greater level.
So, if you're with someone secure, they will nurture you into a more confident stance.
Some of the following characteristics influence every aspect of romantic relationships:
Great conflict deflators
Mentally flexible and smart
Effective and great communicators (NVC)
Avoids game playing
Comfortable with closeness and boundaries
Quick to forgive
Practices and views sex and emotional intimacy as one
Treats their partners like royalty, with respect
Secure and confident in their power to improve the relationship
Responsible for their partners' overall wellbeing
There is evidence to show that a secure attachment style doesn't originate from a single source. Many factors, aside from parenting, such as genes and romantic experiences as adults, come together to create a safe attachment pattern.
Making a secure base for your partner entails that you do the following:
Manage conflict effectively
Don't play games
Set boundaries
Be quick to forgive
Learn more about Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples
Have mental flexibility
Communicate compassionately and effectively
Be secure in your power to improve the relationship
Treat your partner like royalty
Non-violent Communication NVC Skills can help tremendously
Conclusion
Genes sometimes affect the way we act and the decisions we make. However, to become attracted and attached to another, we must use our willpower and focus on learning the nature of attachment to create healthy and strong connections. Connections are essential for a happy life, after all.
Always remember that your attachment needs are legitimate. Do not feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to - it is part of your genetic makeup. A relationship or attachment should make you feel more confident, happier and give you peace of mind. If it doesn't, this is a wake-up call to make things better. Above all, remain true to your authentic self; avoid playing games - it will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding real joy and happiness, be it with your current partner or someone else.
It's easy to focus on the things you deem to be negative about yourself, but the truth is that nobody is perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take but there also about trust and weaknesses. Concentrating on your weaknesses too much will not allow your strengths to shine, and as such, you'll beat yourself up for minor mistakes you make. Relationships are about give and take, but they're also about trust and forgiveness.
It's time for a bit of soul searching. Do you avoid commitment, or do you run towards it too fast?
How do you interact with your partner? Do you truly listen to them, or do you speak over them all the time? Sometimes we make small mistakes without realizing it, purely because they're part of our genetic makeup. However, that doesn't mean you can't identify them and then work to change their adverse effects.
Try this:
• Practice using NVC Nonviolent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication).
• Learn to listen as much as you speak! Effective communication isn't just about saying words in the right way; it's also about listening to your partner and reading body language to get the whole picture.
• Identify your attachment style. Do you avoid attachment out of fear? Understanding your attachment style will allow you to make progress and overcome any blocks between you and relationship happiness
• Have trust and patience in your partner.
• Learn about the Gottman Approach.
Sometimes it takes people a little longer to open up, and that's okay! Rushing the situation will only lead to a negative outcome. Take your time!
Book an appointment with Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney to learn more about your attachment style:
https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ElizabethMahaneyLMHCMFTPhD
Transform Anger Into Connection
When anger arises in a relationship, couples often fall into destructive communication patterns, exacerbating the initial pain and creating a cycle of suffering. However, NVC offers a way to break this cycle and foster understanding and connection.
Transforming anger into an opportunity for connection and growth in intimate relationships is possible through the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
When anger arises in a relationship, couples often fall into destructive communication patterns, exacerbating the initial pain and creating a cycle of suffering. However, NVC offers a way to break this cycle and foster understanding and connection.
Marshall Rosenberg's insight into anger helps shed light on its underlying dynamics. When someone is angry, it indicates a strong need that they urgently want to be met. However, in an attempt to ensure their needs are met, they may employ moralistic rules, which often lead to unpleasant treatment of others. Recognizing these underlying needs and shifting the focus from moralistic rules to unmet needs is crucial for transforming anger into understanding and connection.
To identify the unmet needs behind anger, it is important to look beyond the rules and reactions of the person expressing anger. One approach is to set aside one's own reactions and inquire about the person's upset. Asking questions like, "When I hear that you are upset about this, it tells me there was a way you wanted to be treated that didn't happen. Am I right?" opens up the conversation and invites the person to share their perspective.
Continuing the exploration of unmet needs, asking questions about the ideal way they would have liked to be treated can help uncover their desires and dreams for the relationship. This can include questions such as, "If you could have been treated in a way that was perfect for you, what would that look like? What would have happened?" This process encourages them to think about the positive outcomes they envision and articulate their needs more explicitly.
The answers provided serve as clues to identify their unmet needs. By presenting different possibilities and allowing them to decide what resonates, it becomes easier to narrow down and understand their specific needs. This process is akin to trying on different clothes until the right fit is found. It requires empathy, active listening, and an open mind to accurately grasp the underlying needs being expressed.
By delving deeper into their needs and offering empathy and understanding, the initial anger can be transformed into a sense of relief, relaxation, and genuine connection. This process of uncovering and addressing needs is a form of deep empathy that brings joy and closeness to the relationship.
While learning this approach may take time and practice, it cultivates a sense of eagerness to explore the needs underlying anger and fosters a stronger bond between partners. Through NVC, anger can be seen as an opportunity for growth, understanding, and strengthening the connection in intimate relationships.
Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships
NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills can greatly benefit intimate relationships by promoting understanding, preventing conflicts, and deepening connections.
In intimate relationships, the emotional investment is high, making disconnections and conflicts particularly painful. NVC provides a framework for conscious and empathetic communication, allowing partners to navigate misunderstandings and conflicts with compassion and respect.
Communication is essential in intimate relationships because it is the primary means of connection. Without effective communication, relationships lack intimacy and can become strained. By developing NVC skills, individuals can establish mutual understanding, build trust, and create satisfying ways of relating.
The importance of communication in intimate relationships can be likened to the metaphor of "digging a well before you're thirsty." It emphasizes the need to invest in communication skills before conflicts arise. Rather than waiting until a full-blown conflict occurs, it is beneficial to proactively develop communication skills to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts from escalating. This proactive approach allows couples to conserve mental and emotional energy and avoid unnecessary suffering.
NVC skills not only help resolve conflicts but also contribute to the ongoing deepening of connections. By practicing active listening and understanding each other's feelings, needs, and desires, partners can nurture a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness. This deeper level of communication enhances the overall quality of the relationship.
Common communication problems in relationships, such as listening to respond instead of understand, can be addressed through NVC. By actively listening to understand without immediately offering solutions or judgments, partners can create a safe space for open and vulnerable communication. When individuals feel understood, they are more receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. This empathetic dynamic promotes authentic connection and often leads to the resolution of conflicts.
It is important to note that NVC is not about agreement but understanding.
It allows partners to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting and acknowledging each other's perspectives. This approach fosters a sense of empathy, which is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious intimate relationships.
In summary, NVC skills are invaluable for intimate relationships. By cultivating conscious and empathetic communication, couples can prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and deepen their connections. The practice of NVC not only contributes to a more fulfilling relationship but also enhances personal growth and emotional well-being.
These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.
A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”
What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”
What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”
This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)
Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in relationships involves remembering three key elements: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.
The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection that allows individuals to naturally contribute to each other's well-being. It is not about getting others to do what you want or achieving a specific outcome. By focusing on connection first, mutually satisfying solutions can be found.
When entering a conversation or interaction, check your intention. Is it to be right or to connect? Willingness to let go of being right and preferred outcomes can pave the way for genuine connection and collaborative problem-solving.
Using NVC in relationships requires skillful deployment of attention. Instead of focusing on who's right or wrong, direct your attention to feelings and needs. Recognize the humanity in yourself and your partner, allowing for deeper understanding and mutual fulfillment.
Improving communication in a relationship through NVC involves becoming aware of and transforming old, unconscious patterns that hinder the desired quality of connection. While it may take time and effort, as you practice NVC, it becomes more natural and efficient.
Remember that NVC encourages connection before finding solutions.
Taking the time to understand each other's observations, feelings, needs, and requests is crucial for arriving at strategies that meet the needs of both partners. By using purpose, intention, and attention, NVC can lead to deeper and more satisfying relationships.
Book an appointment with author Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney and learn better communication skills:
Supporting Your Partner Through Difficult Times
Life is filled with ups and downs, and during challenging moments, having a supportive partner can make all the difference. As a couple, navigating difficult times together can strengthen your bond and foster personal growth. Drawing from the perspective of a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), this blog post will explore effective ways to help your partner during tough moments, promoting a healthy and thriving relationship.
Life is filled with ups and downs, and during challenging moments, having a supportive partner can make all the difference. As a couple, navigating difficult times together can strengthen your bond and foster personal growth. Drawing from the perspective of a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT), this blog post will explore effective ways to help your partner during tough moments, promoting a healthy and thriving relationship.
Foster Open Communication
Effective compassionate communication forms the foundation of any strong relationship. During difficult times, encourage your partner to express their thoughts and feelings openly. Provide a safe and non-judgmental space where they can freely share their concerns, worries, or frustrations. Actively listen, validate their emotions, and refrain from offering immediate solutions. Sometimes, all they need is a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.
2. Cultivate Empathy and Understanding
Empathy plays a vital role in supporting your partner through challenging times. Put yourself in their shoes, trying to understand their perspective and emotions. Recognize that their experience may differ from yours, and avoid dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Show genuine compassion and validate their experiences, even if you cannot fully relate to their circumstances. Offering empathy allows your partner to feel heard and understood, strengthening the connection between you.
3. Be Present and Available
During difficult times, your partner may need your presence more than ever. Demonstrate your commitment by making time for them, ensuring your availability. Be physically and emotionally present, offering your support and undivided attention. Engage in activities they enjoy or simply spend quality time together. Your consistent presence and active involvement will foster a sense of security and reassurance during their challenging moments.
4. Provide Practical Support
Practical support can alleviate some of the burdens your partner may face. Assess their needs and identify practical ways you can assist them. This could involve helping with household chores, running errands, or taking on additional responsibilities. By sharing the load, you show your partner that you are in this together, reinforcing the idea that you are a team working through adversity.
5. Encourage Self-Care
Encourage and facilitate self-care practices for your partner. During difficult times, individuals may neglect their well-being. Help them prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, therapy, or pursuing hobbies they find fulfilling. Offer to join them in these activities, or support them by giving them space and time for themselves. By nurturing their well-being, you contribute to their overall resilience and ability to cope with challenges.
6. Avoid Judgment and Criticism
In moments of vulnerability, it is crucial to avoid judgment and criticism. Negative or critical remarks can be detrimental to your partner's well-being, exacerbating their difficulties. Instead, practice empathy, understanding, and unconditional positive regard. Create an environment where your partner feels safe expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. Remember, your role is to support and uplift, rather than criticize or belittle.
7. Seek Professional Help if Needed
Recognize when professional help may be beneficial. If your partner's challenges persist or intensify, encourage them to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor. Professional intervention can provide valuable insights, coping strategies, and personalized guidance to navigate their difficulties. By encouraging this step, you demonstrate your commitment to their well-being and the health of your relationship.
Supporting your partner during difficult times is a testament to the strength and resilience of your relationship. By fostering open communication, empathy, and understanding, you create a safe space for them to share their struggles. Being present, offering practical support, and encouraging self-care can significantly alleviate their burdens. Remember, each individual's journey is unique, and seeking professional help when necessary is a sign of strength and commitment.
Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment
Nonviolent Communication Between Parents and Children
Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, and this holds especially true in the parent-child dynamic. Cultivating nonviolent communication between parents and children creates a harmonious environment that fosters understanding, trust, and empathy. In this blog post, we will explore the principles of nonviolent communication and provide practical tips for implementing them in your interactions with your children. By embracing these strategies, you can build strong connections, resolve conflicts peacefully, and promote emotional well-being within your family.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, and this holds especially true in the parent-child dynamic. Cultivating nonviolent communication between parents and children creates a harmonious environment that fosters understanding, trust, and empathy. In this blog post, we will explore the principles of nonviolent communication and provide practical tips for implementing them in your interactions with your children. By embracing these strategies, you can build strong connections, resolve conflicts peacefully, and promote emotional well-being within your family.
Empathy as the Foundation:
Nonviolent communication begins with empathetic understanding. Put yourself in your child's shoes, seeking to understand their feelings and needs without judgment. Listen attentively and reflect their emotions back to them. By acknowledging their emotions, you create a safe space where they feel heard and valued.
Cultivate Open and Respectful Dialogue:
Encourage open dialogue by creating an environment where your children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions. Avoid dismissing or belittling their feelings, as this can discourage open communication. Practice active listening, maintain eye contact, and respond with empathy and respect. This fosters trust and promotes a sense of equality in your interactions.
Use "I" Statements and Express Feelings:
When discussing concerns or conflicts, use "I" statements to express how you feel rather than blaming or criticizing. For example, say, "I feel hurt when you speak to me in that tone," instead of, "You're always disrespectful." This approach encourages your child to empathize with your perspective and facilitates a more constructive conversation.
Focus on Needs and Solutions:
Shift the focus from blame to identifying underlying needs and finding mutually beneficial solutions. When conflicts arise, explore the underlying needs of both parties involved. Collaboratively brainstorm solutions that meet those needs. By involving your child in problem-solving, you teach them valuable negotiation and conflict resolution skills while fostering a sense of autonomy.
Encourage Emotional Intelligence:
Help your child develop emotional intelligence by teaching them to identify and express their emotions appropriately. Encourage them to articulate their feelings and needs, and guide them in finding healthy ways to manage their emotions. Validate their emotions and provide a nurturing environment where they feel safe to express themselves.
Practice Nonviolent Discipline:
Discipline is an important aspect of parenting, but it can be done in a nonviolent and respectful manner. Instead of resorting to physical or verbal aggression, focus on teaching, guiding, and setting clear boundaries. Utilize logical consequences, time-outs, or loss of privileges as appropriate. Explain the reasons behind the discipline and ensure your child understands the lesson being taught.
Lead by Example:
Children learn through observation, so it is crucial to model nonviolent communication in your own interactions. Show empathy, express emotions constructively, and demonstrate effective conflict resolution skills. When you make mistakes, be willing to apologize and take responsibility, teaching your child the importance of accountability and repair.
Nonviolent communication between parents and children builds strong emotional connections and nurtures a peaceful and respectful family dynamic. By prioritizing empathy, practicing open dialogue, focusing on needs and solutions, encouraging emotional intelligence, implementing nonviolent discipline, and leading by example, you lay the foundation for positive and healthy relationships with your children. Remember, effective communication requires ongoing effort and patience, but the rewards of a strong and harmonious parent-child bond are immeasurable.
Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment
Are You Arguing with Your Spouse?
Many couples believe that arguing with their spouse is a sign of a troubled relationship. However, the truth is that disagreements are a natural part of any healthy relationship. In fact, it's normal and even healthy for couples to have arguments from time to time. Here are some reasons why it's okay to argue with your spouse.
Many couples believe that arguing with their spouse is a sign of a troubled relationship. However, the truth is that disagreements are a natural part of any healthy relationship. In fact, it's normal and even healthy for couples to have arguments from time to time. Here are some reasons why it's okay to argue with your spouse.
It allows for honest communication: Arguing with your spouse can provide an opportunity for honest communication. When couples argue, they are expressing their true feelings, thoughts, and concerns. This kind of communication is essential to building a strong and healthy relationship.
It helps to resolve conflicts: Disagreements can provide an opportunity to resolve conflicts. When couples argue, they are addressing issues that need to be resolved. By working through these conflicts together, couples can strengthen their relationship and create a deeper understanding of each other.
It shows that you care: Arguing with your spouse can also be a sign that you care about each other. When couples argue, they are expressing their passion, which is a sign of emotional investment in the relationship. It shows that you are willing to stand up for your beliefs and values, which can create a more meaningful relationship.
It leads to growth and learning: Arguing with your spouse can also lead to personal growth and learning. When couples argue, they are challenging each other's perspectives, which can lead to new insights and understanding. By working through conflicts and disagreements, couples can learn from each other and grow together.
It can bring you closer together: Finally, arguing with your spouse can actually bring you closer together. When couples argue, they are working through difficult issues together, which can create a stronger bond. By being willing to engage in difficult conversations, couples can create a deeper connection and a more intimate relationship.
Arguing with your spouse is a natural and healthy part of any relationship. It allows for honest communication, helps to resolve conflicts, shows that you care, leads to growth and learning, and can bring you closer together. The key is to approach arguments with respect, empathy, and a willingness to listen to each other's perspectives. By doing so, you can turn disagreements into opportunities for growth and strengthen your relationship in the process.
Author: Crystin Nichols
Book Appointment: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/CrystinNicholsMFTI
Couples Therapy: Like you’ve never experienced before…
I am here for you both! I want to help you uncover the root of the problem, rekindle your relationship, and equipped you with the right tools for future success. most likely, the issues are learned behaviors. The beauty of working with learned behaviors is that we can learn how to SHOW UP in our relationships with ourselves and our partner in a much healthier and powerful way.
In a Nutshell, What Is Couples Counseling?
If you're reading this, your relationship is likely struggling right now. You might even be considering divorce.. Let me start by telling you I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time.
If you're like most couples I see, you've probably come across an online article claiming that all of your relationship's difficulties can be traced to communication breakdowns.. If you could effectively communicate with your partner, you would be able to fix things.…
And that’s true! I have the tools to teach you how.
That's the problem: it is ineffective advice when you're in the middle of a disaster.. Obviously, if you could communicate better, your relationship would be better. But you can’t, so it’s not.
But there is hope! I will guide you in session and give you evidence based tools to use between sessions, to apply 4 easy steps to communicate to get to the root of the issues.
Whenever you and your partner try to communicate – Even deciding what to have for dinner can be tough, You may as well forget about trying to have an actually meaningful conversation. – it just turns into another fight, nothing gets resolved, and makes everything even worse.
Then it is just brushed under the rug to linger... until the next argument. Ugh... How exhausting!
And sure, that might be because your partner is trying to pick a fight (not realizing that all attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get a need met). And more than likely, there was an emotional injury at some point in time that went unaddressed – a crack in your friendship that never healed. Over time, you’ve grown more distant and further apart, until you’re constantly feeling resentful, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and down right angry.
Oftentimes, we know something is wrong but can't seem to put our finger on the problem. If this is where you're at, don't worry.
I am here for you both! I want to help you uncover the root of the problem, rekindle your relationship, and equipped you with the right tools for future success. most likely, the issues are learned behaviors. The beauty of working with learned behaviors is that we can learn how to SHOW UP in our relationships with ourselves and our partner in a much healthier and powerful way.
4 Ways Couples Therapy Is Different with Me:
I get to the CORE of the issue.
Too often, couples therapists begin couples work without adequately assessing for each person’s background and the couple’s joint history related to the presenting problems.
This is where the Gottman Assessment really helps me to conceptualize the problem to formulate a game plan from the get-go!
If you only go to therapy and talk about the problems you're having RIGHT NOW, it's like putting a band aid on a wound when the actual problem is internal bleeding. If you want to work through your problems more effectively, we’ll get to the root cause of the issues you’re experiencing based on each of your needs.
When we work together, I will begin by asking you to tell me more about:
your individual narratives
your family dynamics and how you saw your parents argue (or not)
your communication styles when fighting
how your relationship started
the current state of your relationship and how you got here
what your ideal relationship looks like (among other questions)
I hear it time and time again from clients about how the assessment procedure was beneficial to them, how it helped everything click for them to finally start seeing a difference in their relationship.
I also understand that talking about your history might make you feel vulnerable and taking this step requires bravery, but I assure you it's worth it..
2. I equip you with the tools and know-how to achieve long-term relationship success..
Oftentimes, clients come to me and say that couples therapy has failed them in the past because it didn't provide concrete tools for long term success and accountability. While addressing particular issues or complaints can be beneficial, without the necessary communication and listening abilities to interact with one another empathically – and listen compassionately - any discussions we have about your challenges will be ineffective.
So, we start working on specific skills. Such as:
How to initiate a conversation in a softened way
How to repair or de-escalate heated conversations
How to emotionally self-regulate when you feel triggered
How to come into dialogue in a productive way
How to compromise based on feelings and needs
Couples are surprised at how quickly they’re able to talk with each other in a calm, compassionate, and respectful manner.
Once you and your partner have worked through some tension and built up resentment in an emotionally safe way, you will be able to understand each other on a much deeper level. Trust builds when we learn how to implement compassionate communication (NVC).
“Well,” you may ask, “Isn't it rather simple? Why haven't we been able to solve this on our own"? "Please understand, this isn't your fault".
When you've been stuck in this vicious cycle and these patterns are ingrained, you may tend to keep creating these predictable bad habits of how you deal with conflict. You start to make assumptions about your partner, your armor goes up and you go into self-protection and defensiveness mode. It becomes less and less easy to give each other the benefit of the doubt that is necessary to sustain a long-term compassionate relationship.
My goal is to help you rediscover that grace, that softness. And ultimately, to help you hit the rest button to INTENTIONALLY create the relationship that you desire and rediscover yourselves too.
3. I help you recognize and understand the role comorbidity (anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, addiction, etc) may play in your relationship.
Basically, comorbidity means your brain is wired a little differently.
And honestly, the more I learn about comorbidity, the more I see just how common it is. Yet so often, it is either not acknowledged, or is seen as something that is wrong – something to blame.
Even if you don’t have comorbidity in your relationship, this approach is still highly applicable. The basis of comorbidity couples counseling is to help each partner understand, accept, and embrace their differences while working together as a team to overcome obstacles together without blame.
Comorbidity or not, in working with me your way of seeing the world will be acknowledged, not criticized.
For many couples I see, discovering comorbidity may be a freeing discovery. It allows them to reframe their relationship, and everything begins to make sense.
With my trainings in both the Gottman Method, Compassionate Communication, and Comorbidity Couples Counseling, I’m able to provide an organized framework for you to work within, while still flexibly tailoring my approach to your specific relationship needs.
4. We don’t have to stop at the 50 minute mark. I offer add-on time to customize sessions to meet your needs
You can choose to do 90- 150 minute sessions (or more), not just 50-minute sessions.
If you've been to couples counseling before, then you know the drill. You describe the problem, communicate your feelings, make steps in the right direction… but just when you really start to dig into it, and peel back the layers~ time's up. You have so much left to say. And by next week’s session, you’ve lost your train of thought, and there are new and more pressing issues to address.
By offering longer sessions, I’m able to devote the time needed for you to see real progress each week.
We're able to take on large-ticket items and actually reach a resolution that you may put into practice immediately.
The Power of Connection in Addiction Recovery
My message here is to offer what I have learned about the power of connection as a healing force against addiction and shame. I do not intend to invalidate the real suffering of millions living moment to moment amidst the chaos of chemical dependency and behavioral addictions. The experience of the addicted brain, body, or even “spirit” is extremely real. Anecdotal wisdom and tired truisms, when offered flippantly, hurt the suffering. Addiction is not simple, you can breathe. You are safe here. I will not offer you a magic cure.
My message here is to offer what I have learned about the power of connection as a healing force against addiction and shame. I do not intend to invalidate the real suffering of millions living moment to moment amidst the chaos of chemical dependency and behavioral addictions. The experience of the addicted brain, body, or even “spirit” is extremely real. Anecdotal wisdom and tired truisms, when offered flippantly, hurt the suffering. Addiction is not simple, you can breathe. You are safe here. I will not offer you a magic cure.
Ok, so let’s talk about Connection!
One of the most shame inducing parts of addiction is isolation. Even if you are a part of the minority of sufferers and you’ve rallied the bravery to share your experience it is still common to have thoughts such as…
“No one understands me. People see me as an addict, broken, helpless.”
“I can’t tell X because I would lose my job, my kids, my leadership role!”
“Even when I am with my partner I feel inexplicably alone”
Brene Brown, popular researcher and public speaker, defines shame as “the fear of disconnection” (Brown B, 2010). People hide in shame because they fear that if they were fully honest or vulnerable it might jeopardize their connection to others. Shame is viewed as a negative emotion in pop psychology but from this perspective, the instinct for shame stems from the pure desire for connection to others.
If we follow this logic, then certainly we shouldn’t add additional shame on ourselves for experiencing shame. Shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is not inherently bad, but it hurts. We are sensitive to the pain of shame because it makes us feel isolated and impairs our authenticity.
If we fear disconnection to the point of letting shame isolate us, we remain unseen and misunderstood even by those whom we have a “connection” with. You might be able to pull off a certain level of inauthentic connection with others, but this leaves you starved of true connection that comes from living in the “shame free zone” where you feel safe to be honest about what you are experiencing in any given moment. This is true connection. Safety, acceptance, and mutual vulnerability.
But at this point, we face another obstacle. Many have experienced the thing they fear most when stepping into authenticity and vulnerability: Rejection and Disconnection from others. For some, the people they trusted with their honesty weren’t deserving of it. These experiences reinforce the shame-instinct. These experiences break my heart, and they are real, and they hurt. But here’s the good news. Each day, given your unique situation ability and access, you can work towards building connections that are worthy of your trust. You can have corrective connections. Your brain is made to regenerate its physical matter and to rewire toxic neurological pathways. Your heart can be healed through the power of pure love and connection. It is possible to live a meaningful life of connection that does not require you to escape from.
Once again, it is not this simple. Addictions are complex and multifaceted, but research has shown that authentic and safe connection is one of the most powerful forces in overcoming addiction. This is one reason why therapy is effective in treating addiction, it might not just be the cognitive tools and intellectual processing that heals addiction. It might just be the power of a loving and safe connection.
In closing, I will share with you the results of a study published by a Canadian psychologist Bruce Alexander (Hayes, 2020). In this study, the scientists observed rats in empty cages with two bottles. One bottle was filled with water and one bottle was filled with heroin laced water. Each rat observed, was isolated in the cage with the two bottles. Over time, each isolated rat became addicted to the heroin water and eventually all of them overdosed and died. Sad, I know.
Bruce Alexander was bothered by the size of the cage and began to consider “maybe it was the lack of stimulation and other pleasures that reinforced the rats to get high. What else did they have to do?” This is when the team created what is now referred to as “Rat Park.” This cage was over twenty times the size of the first cage and included all sorts of fun and stimulating objects and activities for the rats to enjoy. This cage was full of delicious foods, and over 20 rats of different genders were placed there. The same two water bottles were placed in “Rat Park,” one with pure water and one with heroin laced water. Guess what? All twenty of the rats ignored the heroin water and simply lived in their natural bliss of connection, play, nourishment, and mating.
The outcomes of this study reinforce my deep conviction that authentic connection is the opposite of addiction. Is it possible that the success rates of therapy and even twelve step programs have less to do with “rigorous morality” or professional expertise as much as they have to do with connection?
Honest, Authentic, Safe, Shame-Free, Fearless, and Vulnerable Connection. This is my hope for the suffering and alone. To experience “Rat Park” in real life and experience the transformative power of connection.
Author: Shaundra Mcguire, MFTI
Book an appointment with Shaundra online here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI
References
Dr. Brené Brown on “The Power of Vulnerability” – Whitney Johnson. (2010). Whitney Johnson’s Distuption Advisors. https://whitneyjohnson.com/brene-brown-vulnerability/
Hayes, T. (2020, November 13). The opposite of addiction is . . .. Integrated Addiction Care. https://www.integratedaddictioncare.com/2020/11/12/the-opposite-of-addiction-is/
Practice Empathy in Three Ways: Cognitively, Emotionally, and Somatically
We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.
You must first take off your own shoes to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
We stretch our hearts and minds beyond our own experiences, viewpoints, and feelings in order to imagine what it's like to be inside someone else's head. We employ imagination, creativity, and instinct to envision what life is like for them.
Listening with empathy is a fundamental component of coming from curiosity and care, as well as the foundation of discussion. Here are three strategies to start practicing incorporating more empathy into your daily life that integrate living purposefully and empathetically.
PRACTICE: Empathy
It's important to remember that practicing this doesn't have to be limited to situations in which you are the center of attention. Its easier to feel for others when you aren't being attacked. Remember that empathy isn't something you put into words; it's a quality of presence in your heart. Aim to comprehend the other person's situation and let the conversation unfold organically.
SILENT EMPATHIC PRESENCE: Practice listening completely, with the heartfelt intention to understand and "feel into" what the other person is saying. How is this issue for them?
PARAPHRASE: After listening, summarize the gist of what you've heard. What are the key features of what they've said? It's also possible that repeating just a few words will be enough.
EMPATHIC REFLECTION: After listening, check that you understand by reflecting what you hear is most important to them. This may include how they feel and/or what they need. What's at the heart of this individual's narrative? What can you do to assist them to feel understood? Remember to phrase your reflections as questions and double-check that you're correct.
There are other methods for conveying compassion. We may convey empathy by giving a kind word, with a loving touch, or by describing how we're feeling in response to what we've heard. By expressing interest with open-ended questions like "Tell me more," "What else?"
As an example, my daughter's friend a freshman who is usually cheerful and bubbly, began showing up early to practice. I struck up a conversation and realized how much she was struggling. This friend was saying, "I don't want to go to this school anymore," and was thinking about dropping out. I noticed the impulse to go into problem-solving mode, an old habit of mine. Having just finished another book on empathy, I paused and decided to try listening instead. "Tell me more. What's going on?"
She began to open up. She was being bullied. She felt sad, alone, and depressed. Every time I noticed the urge to fix or solve, I attended to feeling the weight of my body and my feet on the floor, and resisted the temptation to offer solutions. I focused my attention on what she was feeling and reflected what I was hearing. She began to cry, oscillating between speaking, sobbing, and awkwardly making eye contact as if to check whether all of this was okay. There were a lot of tears, tissues, and long moments in which I simply held her gaze.
She spoke more about her feelings of sadness, loneliness, and not feeling valued. "I've felt like this since first grade," she mentioned. "Was that the first time you felt so sad and alone?" I inquired. No, it started when she was three, when her dad left. They looked at each other, realizing they'd hit the root of her pain. Eventually they explored what she might need at school. They came up with some strategies to address the bullying. She decided to stay in school and to make a public art piece for the classroom about depression.
This is the power of which empathy may help us. With a listening spirit, we can absorb each statement made, each emotion felt. Healing and change are possible if we come from a place of curiosity and care rather than our usual mode of behavior.
PRINCIPLES
People are more likely to be willing to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.
KEY POINTS
The desire to comprehend is frequently expressed through listening, which entails putting away our own ideas, emotions, opinions, and views temporarily.
We can listen in many ways:
• With complete, wholehearted presence
• To the content of what someone says
• To the feelings and needs beneath the content
Staying connected in conversation helps us build understanding and
collaborate:
DON'T LET THE CALL DROP: Seek to establish and maintain connection in conversation.
REFLECT BEFORE YOU RESPOND: Confirm that you're hearing each other accurately before moving on. This "completes a cycle' of communication.
At the heart of listening is empathy, which includes:
• Cognitive empathy: seeing things from another's perspective
• Affective empathy: feeling another's emotions
• Somatic empathy: sensing another's embodied experience
Q & A
Q: What if someone wants advice? Is that ever okay?
Of course. When someone asks for advice, you might try offering empathy
first. I'll often say, I'm happy to share some of my ideas, but first I just want
to take in what you've said. I'll follow that with an empathic reflection of
what I'm hearing and check if I've understood. This can help the other
person process their experience and clarify what matters. I then circle back
to inquire if they still want advice; sometimes it's no longer relevant.
If the tables are turned and you want to give someone advice, check
first. Let them know: "I have an idea that I think might be helpful. Are you
open to some advice?" This honors their autonomy, minimizes the chances
that your input will be disempowering, and guards against giving advice
as a way of soothing your own anxiety.
Q: I've been exploring these empathy tools with close friends and family
and my new approach creates a lot of awkwardness. What do you do
when others expect you to communicate in a certain way?
It can be confusing when our attempts to create more connection backfire.
Part of what you are experiencing is the relational dimension of communication habits. They occur in a dynamic, so when we shift it affects others.
It also may simply be the learning curve; it takes time to find an authentic
voice with these tools.
Let go of the form and focus on your genuine intention to connect.
What would help this person to feel heard? If someone is used to us
showing care by asking questions or agreeing and we respond by reflecting
their needs, that may throw them off. Try to tune in to what they want.
When all else fails, let people know that you're trying something new that
you hope will bring you closer. Ask them to humor you while you learn.