Embracing Self-Compassion: The Path to Genuine Accountability

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it's all too easy to become our own worst critics. We often believe that being hard on ourselves is the key to motivation and success. However, this self-critical approach can backfire, leading to feelings of demotivation, procrastination, and even harmful forms of perfectionism. Contrary to popular belief, self-compassion is a powerful tool that fosters genuine accountability and helps us align our actions with our values and goals.

The Demotivating Nature of Self-Criticism

Self-criticism often masquerades as a motivator, but it usually has the opposite effect. When we berate ourselves for our perceived shortcomings, it creates a negative feedback loop that can be incredibly demoralizing. This harsh inner dialogue can lead to:

• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards and feeling paralyzed by the fear of not meeting them.

• Procrastination: Avoiding tasks because we are afraid of failing or not doing them perfectly.

• Low Self-Esteem: Constantly feeling inadequate and unworthy, which can sap our motivation and energy.

In essence, being overly critical can cause us to fall even further from our values and ideals, perpetuating a cycle of self-doubt and inaction.

The Empowering Force of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a friend. It involves three core components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

1. Self-Kindness: Instead of harshly judging ourselves for our mistakes and failures, we offer ourselves warmth and understanding.

2. Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, reducing feelings of isolation.

3. Mindfulness: Observing our thoughts and feelings without over-identifying with them, maintaining a balanced perspective.

By integrating these elements into our lives, we can foster a healthier, more supportive inner environment.

How Self-Compassion Enhances Accountability

Self-compassion doesn’t mean letting ourselves off the hook or ignoring our responsibilities. Rather, it encourages us to be honest and accountable in a loving and supportive manner. Here’s how:

1. Reduces Fear of Failure: When we know we will treat ourselves kindly, even if we fail, we are more likely to take risks and pursue our goals without the paralyzing fear of making mistakes.

2. Promotes Self-Awareness: Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our flaws and mistakes without self-condemnation, leading to greater self-awareness and personal growth.

3. Sustains Motivation: Kindness and understanding boost our intrinsic motivation. We are driven not by fear, but by a genuine desire to improve and succeed.

4. Encourages Persistence: With self-compassion, we are more likely to persevere in the face of setbacks because we see them as opportunities for learning rather than as definitive failures.

Practicing Self-Compassion for Future Success

Self-compassion is, in essence, an act of self-love that extends to our future selves. When we practice self-compassion, we are investing in our long-term well-being and success. Here are some ways to incorporate self-compassion into your daily routine:

• Practice Self-Compassionate Dialogue: Replace negative self-talk with supportive and encouraging words. For example, instead of saying, "I can’t believe I messed up again," try, "It's okay to make mistakes. I can learn from this and do better next time."

• Set Realistic Goals: Break down larger goals into manageable steps and celebrate your progress along the way. Acknowledge that setbacks are part of the journey and use them as learning experiences.

• Mindful Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself. Reflect on your actions and decisions with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask yourself how you can support your growth and well-being.

• Self-Care Practices: Engage in activities that nurture your body, mind, and spirit. This could be anything from physical exercise to meditation to spending time with loved ones.

By fostering self-compassion, we hold our future selves in mind, creating a foundation of kindness and accountability. This compassionate approach not only helps us stay motivated but also ensures that we remain aligned with our values and aspirations, leading to a more fulfilling and successful life.

In the end, self-compassion is not about making excuses for ourselves; it’s about creating a supportive inner environment where we can thrive. By treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we cultivate the strength and resilience needed to achieve our goals and live in accordance with our highest values. So, let’s embrace self-compassion and unlock the true potential of accountability.

By Chelsea Reeves, MFT-I 

Book a session with me using the link below:

https://southtampatherapybookappt.as.me/ChelseaR

Therapy for Anxiety & Depression in Tampa

Seeking therapy for Anxiety & Depression?

Consider Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) offered by Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney, a South Tampa Counselor and Therapist specializing in these concerns. We use this in combination with several other evidence based approaches.

Depression and Anxiety often coexist, and they stem from different focuses. Depression dwells on the past, fostering thoughts of regret and helplessness. Anxiety, on the other hand, fixates on the future, causing worries and stress.

Both conditions share a commonality: they pull attention away from the present moment. Mindfulness, the practice of being fully present, can shift this focus.

By dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, you miss the beauty of the present. Mindfulness is about anchoring yourself in the here and now, appreciating life's moments.

I'm here to guide you away from fixating on past regrets or future worries and lead you toward embracing the present moment.

Contact/ Text me at (813) 240-3237, and together, let's alleviate Anxiety and Depression from your life.

Book a session here: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/initialintake

TAMPA (BLOOM) – Therapist Kaitlin Lowey of South Tampa Therapy joined Gayle Guyardo

Therapist Kaitlin Lowey of South Tampa Therapy
joined Gayle Guyardo the host of the global health and wellness show Bloom to share ways to bring confidence into everyday situations.

Therapist Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy, recently appeared on the global health and wellness show "Bloom" with host Gayle Guyardo. During the segment, Lowey shared valuable insights on how to cultivate confidence in everyday situations.

Therapist Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy, recently appeared on the global health and wellness show "Bloom" with host Gayle Guyardo. During the segment, Lowey shared valuable insights on how to cultivate confidence in everyday situations.

"Confidence, derived from a Latin word meaning 'to trust,' is about believing in yourself, recognizing your inherent worth, and having faith in your ability to handle life's challenges," explained Lowey.

She emphasized that genuinely confident individuals exude a magnetic quality because they embrace their true selves. They acknowledge their strengths, manage their weaknesses, and firmly believe in their significance, regardless of whether they fit society's standards of intelligence, attractiveness, or social prowess.

Lowey also pointed out that, often, individuals hinder their own confidence.

"We can be our own biggest obstacle when it comes to confidence. We carry around certain core beliefs like 'I should,' 'I can't,' and 'I'm not worthy.' Let's dissect these," she urged.

Lowey provided three key areas to focus on in order to bolster confidence:

1. Addressing "I should": This belief often stems from unhealthy comparisons and manifests as thoughts like "I should know how to do this" or "I should be more confident." Lowey encouraged individuals to challenge these notions, emphasizing that each person's journey is unique. Comparing oneself to others is like transplanting a rainforest vine to a desert and wondering why it's struggling. Instead, acknowledge your strengths and recognize your own superpower.

2. Confronting "I can't": When we've faced setbacks or failures, we tend to adopt a mindset of "I can't." Lowey recommended replacing it with "I won't" to acknowledge it as a choice. Then, delve into what's holding you back. Ask probing questions like "What am I trying to avoid?" This often reveals old wounds that need healing. Identify your needs and wants to shift from a stagnant state to one of hope and action.

3. Challenging "I'm not worthy": Society often imposes external criteria for measuring our worth, but Lowey advocated detaching from these expectations. She emphasized that we don't need to be everyone's cup of tea, as not everyone shares the same taste. Instead, embrace what makes you uniquely valuable and worthy. Your distinct qualities contribute positively to the world. When you allow your authentic self to shine, you attract the right people and opportunities while inspiring others to do the same.

In summary, Lowey's insights provide a powerful framework for cultivating genuine confidence and embracing one's authentic self. Trusting in your worth, acknowledging your strengths, and letting your true self shine can lead to meaningful connections and opportunities.

How to navigate the transition from the 20s to the 30s

This month Supervised Therapist Kaitlin Lowey was featured on WFLA’s Bloom. She provided tips on how to navigate the life stage transition many people undergo during their 30s. You can watch the full segment here. Below is a summary of the clip.

20’s are a time of self-discovery and paving your life path, but as many reach their 30’s, that transitions into getting married, having kids, and leaving a legacy.

Mental Health Counseling Professional, Kaitlin Lowey, from South Tampa Therapy joined Gayle Guyardo, the host of the global health and wellness show, Bloom, to share more about transitioning into your 30’s.

Typically at some point in their 30s, individuals move into the middle adulthood stage of their lives. Between ages 18 and up to age 40 in some cases, people work through what famous psychologist Erik Erikson called the intimacy versus isolation stage, which is about finding and forming fulfilling romantic relationships and friendships. This stage can be completed at different times for different people, but the main task associated with intimacy versus isolation is forming close, enduring relationships. 

Erikson called the stage after this generativity versus stagnation, and it’s all about developing a sense of purpose, caring for others, and contributing to the world. In this stage, individuals – having developed strong relationships with others – may focus on their work, raising families, or contributing to their community. While Erikson generally felt this stage should start by age 40, many people begin to shift their focus on these contribution-focused tasks earlier, often in their 30s. 

So, how does one successfully complete the task of learning how to care and contribute to the world in a way that brings them meaning during this phase of life?

1. Developing a sense of purpose: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must find meaning and purpose in their lives beyond their own personal needs and desires. To successfully navigate this transition from intimacy versus isolation, individuals must begin to explore and cultivate their own sense of purpose. This could involve pursuing career goals, volunteering for a cause they care about, or developing a hobby or passion that provides a sense of fulfillment and purpose.

2. Building and maintaining relationships: Intimacy versus isolation is all about developing close relationships with others, and this remains important in generativity versus stagnation. However, the focus shifts from romantic partnerships and friendships to broader social connections, such as their community. To navigate this transition successfully, individuals must continue to invest in their relationships and develop new ones, while also learning to balance their own needs with the needs of others.

3. Leaving a legacy: In Erikson's stage of generativity versus stagnation, individuals must begin to think about the mark they will leave on the world. This could involve having children and raising them well, contributing to their community in meaningful ways, or leaving behind a creative or intellectual legacy. Individuals must begin to think about their impact on the world and take actions that align with their values and goals. This may involve taking risks, trying new things, and stepping outside of their comfort zone in order to make a meaningful contribution to the world around them.

Counseling top tip: Identify your values

One powerful exercise you can do to ensure you are spending their time on meaningful, generative, and purposeful activities during this stage is to identify your values. In order to complete the exercise, find a list of values (there are several values lists online as well as values card decks for purchase). Sort the values into 3 piles: very important to me, kind of important to me, and not important to me. Then, select your top 5 values from the very important to me pile. Map your activities onto these values to determine how closely what you are spending your time on aligns with these values. This enables you to make a better-informed decision about living with intention during the middle adulthood years. Just think: 30 years from now, you’ll be able to look back on this time of your life and know you made the most of it!

A Lesson for those who feel Unworthy or “Never Enough”

The topic of self-worth is common amongst therapists who are passionate about guiding their clients towards relief from negative thinking, anxiety, and low self-esteem. To gain a sense of self-worth it is important to identify what subconscious (or conscious) beliefs you hold that might be blocking you from offering yourself UNCONDITIONAL positive regard.

The term unconditional positive regard was coined by the American psychologist Carl Rogers. Carl Rogers believed that all humans are inherently “enough” and “worthy.” It was Rodger’s mission to bestow upon all his clients the experience of being treated with unconditional positive regard. Spoiler alert: that is also my mission! 

Ok, but for the sake of this post let’s define the terms. I want to focus on the “unconditional” part. Unconditional means that no condition sets you up against your inherent worthiness. To believe you are worthy of unconditional positive regard you must identity what Rodgers called “conditions of worth.” Conditions of worth are the beliefs that block you from accepting unconditional positive regard and from feeling worthy for just being you. 

Conditions of worthy might go something along the lines of……

• If I am funny, people won’t notice my insecurities

• I am safe and worthy if I keep this job or make x amount of money

• If I am agreeable and quiet, I am acceptable.

• It is not okay to show who I truly am I can be a chameleon and be loved

• I must make peace; conflict will show that I am an angry person

• As long as I stay beautiful, my husband will love me

I could probably write thirty pages of hypothetical “Conditions of worth” but I will spare you from that. The point is that we all have internalized “conditional worth” beliefs learned from caregivers, parents, teachers, cultural messages, or religious institutions. 

Once you have taken in these messages as fact, your brain starts to scan for evidence that will validate that belief. 

For example, if you believe that “good people are agreeable and don’t pick fights,” every time your partner picks a fight or confronts you, you might push down your feelings or reactions to appease them.

You do this because, “good people don’t fight back” right? “Good people are agreeable” right? You can’t possibly share your truth or advocate for your feelings because if you do, you won’t be good, and everyone wants to believe they are good right? 

Do you see the danger in this type of thinking? Continuing to live in reaction to these beliefs, with a brain that is wired to scan for evidence that bolsters them, is essentially what creates the “inner critic” in our heads. The voice that does not sound warm and fuzzy. The voice that certainly does not speak unconditional positive regard to our dear souls. 

So, step one is to think about your parents, your family, your spouse, or your religious organization. Try to identify any messages you’ve learned that set you up against your inherent worthiness with any “condition” that you must meet. 

Once you are aware of these messages you can begin to externalize them. For example, when you hear the thought: 

“I shouldn’t speak up because I will be seen as too much” you might say “I notice I am having the thought that I shouldn’t speak up because I will be seen as too much.” You might say, “I am hearing my moms voice in my head.” At that, you might begin to chuckle as you notice that some of the thoughts in your head are not your true thoughts but merely conditioned beliefs that your little child brain absorbed as absolute truth. 

At this point, you have awareness which is a powerful tool. Once you’re aware you can choose not to put energy towards that thought and more importantly you can choose not to act in reaction to that thought. 

Sometimes we have all these negative feelings towards ourselves and fears that drive us. We identify with them and think they are us. What a relief when we can understand that those thoughts aren’t us. The inner critic is not you and you don’t have to act in reaction to it. 

My final thought is that when you experience anxiety when trying to go against the thoughts, remember that you can tolerate it. The only reason it feels scary is because you have never opposed those thoughts in the past. The more you notice them, do the scary thing and act from your thoughts (not your conditioned thoughts) the more you essentially become you. 

Maybe it is just me, but I don’t want to live in a world where I must earn my worth or worthiness. Most people when looking at an innocent child, inherently know there is something worthy about them regardless of what they do, how they look, what they say, etc. We are still those innocent children deep down. The more we live from a place of worthiness the freer we become to treat others with such unconditional positive regard. 

I hope this blog taught you something or sparked an insight. If you have questions about this topic or want to explore your past and conditions of worth, I offer free 15 min consultations and would love to get to know you. 

Shaundra McGuire, MFTI 813-298-8905

Book With Shaundra: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

SELF COMPASSION IN EATING DISORDER RECOVERY

SELF COMPASSION IN EATING DISORDER RECOVERY  

Many of my clients express to me that as their symptoms and eating disorder behaviors increase so does the volume of the eating disorder “Ed” voice. Let me tell you, Ed’s voice could not be further from one of compassion but rather it is critical, shaming, cruel, persuading, and even violent. Some clients have told me “It’s like a drill segreant. If I do not obey my safety feels threatened.” I am not suggesting that people suffering from eating disorders literally have another person living in their head, but once eating disorders are triggered the thought patterns that fuel the behaviors are par for the course and addressing Ed’s voice is a fundamental part of treatment and treatment outcomes.

I will make a quick statement that as one becomes nutritionally rehabilitated (regardless of weight) with a balanced meal plan provided by a registered eating disorder dietician the voice will quiet naturally. Addressing malnourishment is the first step of recovery but that does not mean that starting the work of self-compassion cannot go hand in hand. Self-compassion is a life practice not just a recovery practice. 

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION? 

Dr. Kristen Neff is widely recognized as one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion. She was the first person to operationally define and measure the construct around 20 years ago. You can check out her website here. Here is how Kristen understands self-compassion. 

“Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.” 

Kristen’s three key ingredients to self-compassion are: 

1. Mindfulness -a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them.

2. Common humanity-suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience rather than isolating.

3. Self-kindness -being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.

TIPS TO START PRACTICING SELF COMPASSION IN RECOVERY

Imagine you are carelessly strolling down the street and suddenly you catch your reflection in the shop window and BOOM Ed voice says…

 “I can’t believe you chose to eat that gelato with lunch. I told you not to and now look at you, you’re bloated. Honestly your stomach is disgusting. You are so weak. I can’t believe you have the nerve to be out in public right now. You need to get your act together and (insert ED behavior) exercise, restrict, purge, isolate, cut etc.” 

Instead of mindlessly obeying Ed you could instead take a Self-Compassion Break.  Even if you end up following through with the behavior pausing and trying something different is building towards your recovery and diminishing the power of ED. 

 SELF COMPASSION BREAK: 

Mindfulness: Recognize you are experiencing some form of struggle. Emotional, physical, or mental pain. Identify the pain and in a compassionate tone, you might say “This is scary, I am afraid I gained weight. I am afraid if I don’t punish myself for the gelato I have failed. I feel guilty.” The goal is to recognize and validate the difficulty with a compassionate tone.

Common Humanity: Remind yourself that everyone (especially others suffering with ED’s) have experienced this form of suffering and know how you feel. You are not alone, and it is exactly suffering and relating to one other through empathy, validation, and compassion that binds humans closer to one another.  

Self-Kindness: The final steps is offering yourself kindness amidst the suffering ( fear, guilt, and ED’s mean voice) through giving yourself kind words and actions. Kristin Neff has called this the yin and yang of self-compassion. The yin being kind words to oneself and yang being kind actions. Kind words could be “You are brave for facing your fears and pursuing recovery. You enjoyed that Gelato and it was so such a fun lunch with your friend. There are others who would be inspired by your recovery action today.” For a kind action you can choose any out of your self-care toolbox as long as it represents kindness towards self-amidst the suffering and goes against the will of Ed’s voice. 

I encourage you to try using Self-Compassion Breaks as much as you can. The Ed voice will not get any weaker unless we become mindful of it, validate and feel our feelings, and respond with kindness. 

Follow this link for more tools to practice self-compassion! 

By Shaundra McGuire, MHCI

Book an appointment with Shaundra Mcguire:

https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/ShaundraMcguireMFTI

REFERENCES: 

https://self-compassion.org/

https://www.edcatalogue.com/3-mindful-self-compassion-tools-eating-disorder-recovery/

START YOUR HEALING JOURNEY By Creating Awareness & Self Compassion

Key Facts About Compassionate Awareness

What is it, why do we value it, and what are the benefits?

Compassionate Awareness is the integration of 4 things:

1 - Consciousness: a set of principles that support living a life of compassion, collaboration, courage, and authenticity. Showing-up in a way you intend to.

2 - Language: understanding how words contribute to connection or distance (to self or others).

3 - Communication Skills: knowing how to ask for what we want, how to hear others even if in disagreement, and how to move towards solutions that work for all.

4 - Means of Influence: sharing “power with others” rather than using “power over others”.

Compassion serves our desire to do 3 things:

1 - Increase our ability to live with choice, meaning, intention, and connection.

2 - Connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.

3 - Sharing of resources so everyone is able to benefit.

Why do we value Compassionate Awareness?

Most of us could brush up on our skills to improve the quality of our relationship with ourselves and others, to deepen our sense of personal empowerment or simply help us communicate more effectively. Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to mix OBSERVATIONS with comparisons to compete, judge, demand and diagnose; to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“.

This habitual way we THINK and REACT sabotages our intentions to get our needs met. We fail to communicate our actual need which further creates disconnect, misunderstanding, and frustration. And still worse, this can cause anger, suffering, and escalation. As this way of communicating escalates, this may lead to violence.

As a result, reactions from negative thoughts, even with the best of intentions, generate needless conflict.

On the flip-side, compassionate awareness helps us reach to the core need and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all of our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. We learn to develop a vocabulary of FEELINGS and needs that helps us more clearly express what is happening internally in us, and understand what is going on in others, in real time.

When we understand and acknowledge our NEEDS, we develop a shared foundation for much more satisfying relationships.

Living Intentionally

The intention to connect with ourselves and others is one of the most important goals of practicing and living NVC. We live our lives from moment to moment, yet most of the time we are on autopilot, reacting out of habit rather than out of awareness and presence of mind. By creating a space for attention and respect in every moment, NVC helps create a pathway and a practice that is accessible and approachable. Studying and practicing NVC creates a foundation for learning about ourselves and our relationships in every moment, and helps us to remain focused on what is happening right here, right now.

Four Components of Compassionate Communication

Observation:

Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment, and to simply observe what is there.

Feeling:

When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step to the NVC process.

Needs:

All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and to live empathically.

Request:

To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s -3- transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Two Parts Empathy:

Receiving

from the heart creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feelings and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also gives us the means to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations that are often difficult to handle.

Honesty:

Giving from the heart has its root in honesty. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.