SOUTH TAMPA THERAPY FREE RESOURCES BLOG
The Illusion of Control in Relationships: A Path to Autonomy and Acceptance
While controlling behaviors may offer temporary relief, they can undermine the long-term health of the relationship. By shifting away from control and towards acceptance, we can foster a stronger, more resilient partnership.
Embrace the journey of self-awareness and growth. As you learn to manage your own emotions and reactions, you can cultivate a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship that values autonomy, mutual respect, and open communication.
Control in relationships can give us a false sense of security, leading us to believe that by exerting influence over our partner, we can manage our needs and desires. However, this approach often has the opposite effect, pushing our partner further away and potentially causing resentment or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Let's explore why control is detrimental and how we can shift towards autonomy and acceptance instead.
The False Security of Control
The urge to control often stems from a desire to manage our emotions and meet our needs. We may think that by guiding our partner's actions or responses, we can create a sense of stability and predictability. This belief can be rooted in underlying fears of uncertainty or anxiety about unmet needs.
However, control is a double-edged sword. While it may provide short-term relief or gratification, it can ultimately harm the relationship. Over time, it can erode trust, diminish intimacy, and create distance between partners.
The Importance of Autonomy
Autonomy is a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships. It allows each partner to maintain their individuality, make independent choices, and feel respected in their decisions. When one partner attempts to control the other, it infringes on their autonomy and can lead to feelings of suffocation or resentment.
Tolerating Discomfort and Embracing Acceptance
To move away from controlling behaviors, it's essential to learn to tolerate discomfort and difficult emotions. This process involves reaching a point of acceptance for things beyond our control, such as our partner's thoughts, feelings, and choices.
Here are some strategies to cultivate acceptance and autonomy in relationships:
Self-Regulation: Learn to manage your emotions and responses to challenging situations. Practice mindfulness and breathing exercises to stay calm and centered.
Awareness: Reflect on your feelings and needs in the moment. Ask yourself what you're trying to achieve through controlling behavior and whether there are healthier ways to meet your needs.
Identify Payoffs: Recognize the short-term gains you receive from controlling behaviors. While these payoffs may provide immediate comfort, they can reinforce unhealthy patterns in the long run.
Communicate Needs: Openly express your needs to your partner without attempting to control their response. This fosters mutual understanding and collaboration.
Practice Empathy: Try to understand your partner's perspective and respect their autonomy. This can help you approach situations with more compassion and less control.
Embrace Acceptance: Acknowledge the things you can't control and focus on what you can influence, such as your own behavior and responses.
Finding Long-Term Fulfillment
While controlling behaviors may offer temporary relief, they can undermine the long-term health of the relationship. By shifting away from control and towards acceptance, we can foster a stronger, more resilient partnership.
Embrace the journey of self-awareness and growth. As you learn to manage your own emotions and reactions, you can cultivate a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship that values autonomy, mutual respect, and open communication.
Book a session with Author Chelsea Reeves, MFTI here: https://southtampacounselor.com/bookappointment
Suicide Awareness and Assessing Signs of Risk in Loved Ones:
When I work with clients who are struggling with suicidal ideation, I start by normalizing those thoughts and taking some of the weight and judgement away. I explain that it’s natural for our minds to search for escape routes from life’s struggles. For some people, that escape route looks like “I just want to drop everything and move to a remote island where I know no one and have no responsibilities.” For others, it may look like suicidal thoughts. The theme of escaping life’s responsibilities is the same — and we can share empathy about how hard it can be to face overwhelming difficulty, especially when we don’t have enough support.
Suicidal thoughts can be very isolating for an individual. Letting someone know that you are aware of their struggles and here as a helpful support for them can make all the difference. Know that it can help to talk with the individual openly about their suicidal thoughts, make it known that it’s okay that they are dealing with this, and always share that there are resources to help.
According to the CDC, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Nearly 46,000 people died by suicide in 2020, which would equate to an average of 1 death every 11 minutes. But suicide can be preventable, and there are resources available to help.
On July 16th of this year, 988 became the nationwide suicide hotline number. All texts or calls made to 988 are directly rooted to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline where you will be supported and helped by trained mental health professionals.
YOU can also help!
Noticing signs of suicide:
If you hear or notice any of the following thoughts or behaviors in someone you know, they may be at risk for suicide.
Talking about wanting to die
“I just can’t take it anymore”
“I wish everything could end”
“I feel too much guilt or shame to continue on”
“I feel like a burden and people would be better off without me”
Expressing feelings surrounding:
Loneliness, feeling isolated and that there is no one to live for
Hopelessness, feeling like there is no “light at the end of the tunnel”
Trapped, feeling stuck in a difficult situation with no foreseeable way out
Sad, depressed, anxious feelings
Strong emotional or physical pain
Low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love and connection
Behaviors:
Researching ways to die
Making a suicide plan
Purchasing lethal weapons (guns, knives, pills, rope)
Withdrawing from social circles and saying goodbye to loved ones
Giving away important keepsakes
Writing a will
Dangerous risk-taking behaviors, such as driving reckless
Exhibiting extreme mood swings
Eating and/or sleeping less
Increased substance use (drugs and/or alcohol)
Poor self-hygiene
The first step in being a helpful resource to someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts is knowing and understanding the signs above. If you notice someone who is exhibiting any of these signs, it’s important to talk directly with them about it. It’s also important not to pass judgment or shame on the individual for having these thoughts.
When I work with clients who are struggling with suicidal ideation, I start by normalizing those thoughts and taking some of the weight and judgement away. I explain that it’s natural for our minds to search for escape routes from life’s struggles. For some people, that escape route looks like “I just want to drop everything and move to a remote island where I know no one and have no responsibilities.” For others, it may look like suicidal thoughts. The theme of escaping life’s responsibilities is the same — and we can share empathy about how hard it can be to face overwhelming difficulty, especially when we don’t have enough support.
Suicidal thoughts can be very isolating for an individual. Letting someone know that you are aware of their struggles and here as a helpful support for them can make all the difference. Know that it can help to talk with the individual openly about their suicidal thoughts, make it known that it’s okay that they are dealing with this, and always share that there are resources to help.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 is available 24/7, 365 days a year.
Also, helping that individual find a supportive therapist can help with long-term improvement and maintaining safety plans. Book an appointment for you or a loved one today.
Author: Jamie Rudden, MFTI https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/JamieRuddenMFTI
For more facts on suicide visit:
A special thank you to Jamie Rudden for all of the supportive work that you have done with us and prior to your hard work at South Tampa Therapy! It takes a special compassionate and supportive person to BE THERE and STAY ATTUNED.
I appreciate you.
Liz