How Erikson’s Theory Helps Us Understand Ourselves~ At Every Age!

Growth doesn’t end when childhood does.

That’s one of the most powerful messages from Erik Erikson’s psychosocial theory of development. Unlike some models that focus only on early life, Erikson believed that every stage of life—infancy to late adulthood—presents us with meaningful emotional tasks. And these tasks continue to shape how we see ourselves and relate to others throughout our lives.

Whether you’re navigating identity in your 20s, intimacy in your 30s, or legacy in your 50s, Erikson’s work offers a helpful roadmap for understanding why certain questions keep surfacing—and what they’re asking of us now.

Life Stages as Emotional Milestones

Erikson outlined eight stages of development, each with a core question or “tension” between two emotional needs:

• Infancy: Trust vs. Mistrust
  Can I rely on others? Is the world safe?

• Early Childhood: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt
  Is it okay to be myself and make choices?

• Adolescence: Identity vs. Role Confusion
  Who am I? Where do I belong?

• Young Adulthood: Intimacy vs. Isolation
  Can I be close to someone without losing myself?

• Middle Adulthood: Generativity vs. Stagnation
  Am I making a meaningful impact?

• Older Adulthood: Integrity vs. Despair
  Did my life matter? Can I accept the journey I’ve lived?

Each stage builds on the one before it. If trust was hard to form early in life, it might ripple into struggles with intimacy or identity later on. But the beauty of Erikson’s model is that it’s never too late to revisit, repair, or explore a developmental task in a new light.

Why This Matters in Therapy

Most people don’t walk into therapy saying, “I’m stuck in the autonomy stage.” But they do say things like:

• “I have a hard time setting boundaries.”

• “I feel like I’ve lost myself in this relationship.”

• “I don’t know what my purpose is anymore.”

These are echoes of emotional tasks we may not have fully completed. In psychodynamic therapy, we don’t just look at behavior—we explore the why beneath it. What emotional needs weren’t met? What patterns are still playing out? What internal questions are still unresolved?

When we understand where these struggles come from, we can stop judging ourselves—and start healing.

You’re Not Behind—You’re Human

Erikson’s stages aren’t a checklist. They’re not a race. Life events like loss, trauma, illness, caregiving, or major transitions can pull us back into emotional territory we thought we’d left behind.

A betrayal might resurface old trust wounds. A divorce might trigger identity confusion. A career change might lead to questions about meaning and legacy. This isn’t regression—it’s being alive.

Therapy can help you re-engage with these stages, not by “fixing” the past, but by creating space to grow in the present.

Growth Is Ongoing—and So Are You

Erikson’s theory reminds us that we are always becoming. Even in adulthood, we’re not finished. We’re still growing, integrating, and shaping who we are. And if you’re struggling with a particular theme—identity, connection, trust, purpose—it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re in the middle of something meaningful.

And that’s where therapy can help.

Thanks for reading.

I’m Amber, a Master’s-level counselor here at South Tampa Therapy. I offer warm, collaborative psychodynamic therapy that honors your story, your complexity, and your capacity for healing—no matter what stage of life you’re in. If this work resonates with you, I’d love to connect.

👉 Book a session with me here. https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/Amber

The Art of Comprise and Core Needs

Core Needs Exercise

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” -Stephen Covey

 What is a Core Need?

A core need is something that you need to feel like yourself in any situation. When a core need is met you are able to be more present to what is actually happening, rather than being over-focused or desperate about that need. The desperation can be a symptom or a signal that a core need is not being met, and your mind is trying to address it by giving it your mental/emotional attention. 

Consider, for example, that you are taking a long hike in the hills and after a few miles you reach for your water bottle and it isn’t where you thought you put it. Your mind will be driven to search for it, because on this hike adequate hydration is a core need. If you can’t find the water bottle and the sun is bearing down on you, then most of your actions are going to be focused on getting that water to meet that core hydration need. It is going to bug you, compel you and drive you until you can address the water issue. Once the water core need is met, you will be able to continue the hike and be more present to the fuller experience of your surroundings.

Here is another example: You work hard all day with mental problems and when you arrive home, your head is still mulling over those problems. There is an argument with family members soon after you arrive home. When you step back and look at what is actually happening, you discover your head is still in work mode from the day while you are trying to connect with your family members. 

Therefore, you might have the core need of “transition time". To address that core need, one option might be a 30 minute buffer time to change clothes, acclimate to being home, and allow your head to power down from the flow of mental problem-solving.

Let us say you don’t get that buffer and you put yourself in the middle of the family. Most likely you will be pulled inside in two different directions: trying to disconnect mentally and emotionally from the work of the day and trying to connect in the present moment with the family. This often results in feelings of frustration and fights about things that usually are not stressful, because you are torn inside with competing interests. A 30-minute buffer and transition time--especially if the family understands your need and it makes sense to them--would make it more possible for you to “feel like yourself” at home and be more present to what is actually occurring there.

As you can see, core needs are by their nature inflexible: you NEED the water and you NEED your transition time or you will be hurting yourself physically and/or emotionally. 

So in working things out with others, it is best not to compromise a core need. You function best from where you are flexible. You may find that as you discuss the issue of work/home transitions with your family, that they each have a core need to be “greeted” when you arrive home. Since you would know you are going to get your transition time, you might be flexible to delay it a few minutes so you could check in on each member and say hello. If there is an agreement about your transition time—your family knows you need your 30 minutes and they are aware of the benefit when you have that time--they could encourage you and support you in taking that time after the greeting. Everybody wins with these agreements, and compromise does not sacrifice any core needs.

NOTE: Core Needs are more possible to identify when you are applying this process to an actual situation, such as: when I get home in the afternoon from work I need a transition time, rather than a generalized core need say, to get “respect.” It is more effective to explore the core need of “ respect” IN the situation of when you arrive home from work. Be as specific about a circumstance as possible and avoid generalizations and “always” and “never” narratives. 

____________________________________

This is the format for discovering core needs and flexible needs for each person in a relationship or just for your own insight into yourself.

Note:

• COMPROMISE happens in the FLEXIBLE NEEDS area of the circle. NOTE that there is a much larger circle for FLEXIBLE NEEDS than the CORE NEEDS. It is important to work to get the core needs circle as clear and accurate as possible.  CORE NEEDS content will be smaller than the flexible needs.  However, it may FEEL larger when trying to trick or convince someone to be flexible with a CORE NEED. This will create attention to the smaller circle and create a gridlock. 

• Understanding and discovery happens in the core needs. Not compromise. These are non-flexible. And if they are flexible and that is ok, then they are still important to you but are not core needs but flexible.

• Sometimes you think something is a core need and you may find upon discussion it is actually flexible. Sometimes you find a flexible need might be core as you get insight. Allow continuing understanding to happen as you work with this.

 It is often best to start learning this exercise using a very focused issue such as “where do we go on vacation’ or “what movie do we want to watch this weekend together.”  You can choose “our marriage,” as a focus but know that this is a broader focus and might need to be broken down into areas of the marriage such as ‘friendship” or “parent” and "sexuality" "affection" and other areas. It is ok to choose“the marriage” as the focus, just know that if you get bogged down to bring the target focus into a more specific topic about “the marriage.” Then this can be done with many conversations instead of one big one. Marriage is actually one life-long conversation.

Once you each have completed your two lists, set a time aside to each have a turn where you listen to your partner's circles, and only ask questions for your understanding THEIR point of view. Once both have had a turn WITHOUT criticism or commentary, THEN, move into a discussion and how a negotiation and agreements can be made with the flexible/adaptive areas.  This is to be done while valuing and protecting your partners core needs: the non-flexible areas. It is often amazing how many new options open up when a couple stops trying to change their own or their partner's core needs on an issue, and move to a discussion of the flexible areas.  Happy couples do more than that. They PROTECT and ADVOCATE for their partner's core needs. 

Use the GETTING TO YES questions A a guide to help come to a negotiated agreement regarding the issue or focus at hand:

Remember the principles of the Sound Relationship House below, especially avoiding the Four Horsemen! There are more instructive articles on the CORE NEEDS EXERCISE below.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”

"More than one thing can be true at the same time."

"There is nothing wrong with you, life it just far harder than you ever expected.

Yield to Win: Compromise like I am someone you love. The art of compromise exercise. Discuss the questions with your partner.