5 Ways to Make Decisions When You Have Anxiety

I’ve been hearing the phrase “full body yes” a lot lately. Maybe your favorite travel influencer moved to Bali because she felt in her whole body that it was the right decision. Maybe your favorite podcast host decided to finally write a book because everything in them said “YES.” It’s gaining traction in casual conversation and the concept has good intentions and can be very helpful to some people in their decision making. However, what happens when you have anxiety and nothing is a full body yes? Actually, everything right now might feel like a “full body absolutely not we should just stay home” but you have to make decisions and live your life anyway. 

The physical symptoms of anxiety include sweating, shaking, gastrointestinal issues (fancy words for stomachache), clenching of the jaw or muscles, and plenty of other unhelpful things that can show up even when you’re not doing anything. They might even show up when doing something you love. If you’re looking for cues from your body about what the right decision is and you have anxiety, that might not be the first, and certainly not the only, place to look. 

Here are a few ways to make your decision making easier and clearer so even when you feel anxious, you can stand firm in what you’ve decided:

• Recognize your anxiety for what it is and what it is not
  

  • Reflect on the situation at hand. Is there something distressing happening in the present moment that your worrying and hypervigilance is helping you overcome? If not, chances are it is the anxiety clouding your experience of reality and misjudging the gravity of what you’re doing. When those symptoms like muscle tension, nausea, or whatever else comes up, ask yourself “are these worries legitimate?” Some may be but some might also be fear of failure, judgement and the unknown.
    
    

• Allow Good Enough to be Good Enough
  

• Not every choice we make will be life changing and most things are not permanent. When anxiety shows up, it can make people feel like they’re not qualified to do anything unless they are experts and know how to do it perfectly. This is a lie. Trying is better than never making a move or any decisions. If you’re afraid of failure, one of my favorite affirmations to repeat to myself is “I embrace my mistakes because they mean I’m trying and learning.” Even when the anxiety is present, you can still be bold and try new things.
  
  

• Pro & Con Lists
  

• Man, I love a good pro and con list.
  
  Let’s look at the pros: get all your thoughts out (even the frantic ones), force yourself to look at BOTH possibilities, allow yourself to slow down and think through the problem without feeling rushed
  
  Now the Cons: you could be tempted to only focus on the negatives
  
  When making a pro and con list, be factual and honest with yourself and recognize if something is in the con list because of the anxiety or a valid reason. Both are possible and it is worth differentiating between the two.
  
  

• Find coping skills that work for when you notice your anxiety
  

• There are plenty of coping skills out there for when anxiety comes around. Although, two people who may both have anxiety won’t automatically benefit from the same coping skills and strategies. My favorite strategies are mindfulness based because anxiety usually takes you away from the present moment and bringing yourself back to it can help ease distress. A good way to do this is to take a moment to relax, breathe, and focus first on 5 things you can see, then 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. You can do this anywhere in the comfort of your own brain and it’s a great tool to try.
  
  

• Focus on what you can control
  

• Being that you’re probably not psychic, the future is a mystery. To help us survive, our brains are wired to think of what could go wrong. When you add anxiety on top, it can be crippling and stop you from making life changes because you only see what can go wrong. There are a lot of things that are out of our control but there is plenty that IS in our control. Your goals and dreams are bigger than the anxiety and you can grow and do scary things even while it’s present. Focus on doing what you can to make the best decisions for you and follow through on your plans and goals.

Amanda Kohl

Amanda is an experienced supervised therapist who values creating connection and an environment where clients feel accepted and free to express their authentic selves and move towards healing. She enjoys providing therapy to children, teens, and adults and has helped clients with various issues including anxiety, depression, trauma, relational conflict, behavioral problems, self-esteem issues, and identity issues. Her goal is to support and encourage her clients’ journey while providing them with the tools needed for growth and positive change. Both In-Person Sessions (Mondays & Tuesdays) and Virtual Sessions Available.

Amanda Kohl, MHCI 727-967-8992 Akohl@usf.edu PsychologyToday Profile: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/amanda-kohl-tampa-fl/932283 Book with Amanda: https://SouthTampaTherapyBOOKAPPT.as.me/AmandaKohlMHCI Virtual Visits: https://doxy.me/amandakohl

New Year New Me

Blog Post: By Bailey McConnell, RMCI

New Year New Me:

At the start of each New Year, we come up with resolutions, goals, and plans to make ourselves look/ feel better for the new year and onward. Although we have the best intentions of making the resolutions, we often do not follow through on these goals or stop them after a short time of starting them. You might be wondering why it is so hard to follow through on your intentions. Well, most times we make goals for ourselves without making plans on how to incorporate our goals into our everyday lives. Some of our goals might be too big to accomplish at the beginning. We might not know where or how to start our goals. Well, what do I do? Listed below are some steps to making and accomplishing our New Years' goals. 

1. Make goals for ourselves that are reasonable and achievable: When making New Year's resolutions we often make grand plans. For instance, I want to lose 100 lbs., and take a vacation in Jamaica this year. Yes, that might be a great goal, but we need to take into consideration how likely it is that you might meet these goals. Make goals for yourself that are realistic to your current situation. That might mean scaling back your goals to losing 50 lbs. this year and taking a non-specific vacation. Research has found that making goals that are approach-oriented are more successful than making avoidance-oriented goals (Oscarsson et al., 2020). This means that making goals that encourage one to go out and do things end up being more achievable than goals of avoiding things. For instance, a goal of working out more throughout the year is easier to maintain than not eating fast food all year. Make goals that work best for the betterment of yourself.

2. Make short- and long-term goals: Oftentimes when we make goals for ourselves, we think in terms of one big goal. Big goals are great overarching ideas, but we need smaller goals to get ourselves moving towards that bigger objective. For example, if you want to read more this new year you might want to make a small goal of finding a day to go to a bookstore to buy a new book. Then you would want to make another small goal to start reading the book and reading so many pages by the end of the week. Making achievable small steps is a part of the way to completing your resolution.

3. Form an accountability group: It can be hard to hold yourself accountable to your goal when you are the only one who knows about your plan. Try to tell others your intentions as they can ask you about how you are doing. You and another person, whether that be a friend or a partner, could start a resolution together. This way you have someone to work on our goals with. You each can hold the other accountable when it might seem difficult to keep going.

4. Don't be too hard on yourself if you do not make your goal: If you do not make your small or end goal do not be hard on yourself. Life is not only about succeeding but is making mistakes and failing. Recognize where you could change things or could have done better. Learn from your mistakes or missteps.

5. Celebrate the small successes: When you do meet those small goals, celebrate. Be proud of yourself that you were able to stick to your plan and carry it through. Make sure to experience and remember what it feels like to accomplish your goals. This feeling can be so helpful when you hit a speed bump and do not feel like you can go on. Allow yourself to feel your emotions.

Bailey McConnell

A dedicated intern student who has experience leading undergraduate peers in mental health awareness and suicide prevention. Bailey is a warm and caring skilled supervised therapist who is focused on building a safe and open environment for children, teens, adults, families, and couples to navigate and help process their thoughts and feelings. She has provided counseling to adults going through addiction and homelessness with various diagnoses. She can work with all different populations in a judgment free zone. Her goal is to work with and aid clients through their respective journey and help them learn new positive ways to view and cope with life’s stressors. Both In-Person sessions (Mondays, Tuesdays, Sundays) and Virtual sessions available.

Resources 

Oscarsson, M., Carlbring, P., Andersson, G., & Rozental, A. (2020). A large-scale experiment on New Year’s resolutions: Approach-oriented goals are more successful than avoidance-oriented goals. PLoS ONE, 15(12). https://doi-org.ezproxy.lib.usf.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0234097

Key Assumptions and Intentions of NVC

Key Assumptions and Intentions of NVC

Assumptions Underlying the Practice of Nonviolent Communication

Following are key assumptions that NVC practice is based on. Many traditions share these assumptions; NVC gives us concrete, powerful tools for putting them into practice. When we live based on these assumptions, self-connection and connection with others become increasingly possible and easy.

1. All human beings share the same needs: We all have the same needs, although the strategies we use to meet these needs may differ. Conflict occurs at the level of strategies, not at the level of needs.

2. Our world offers sufficient resources for meeting everyone's basic needs: The scarcity experienced by so many people arises because we have not designed our social structures to meet everyone's needs. We can attribute any apparent scarcity to a current systemic limitation, a crisis of imagination, or a lack of skills for fostering connection.

3. All actions are attempts to meet needs: Our desire to meet needs, whether conscious or unconscious, underlies every action we take. We only resort to violence or other actions that do not meet our own or others' needs when we do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.

4. Feelings point to needs being met or unmet: Feelings may be triggered but not caused by others. Our feelings arise directly out of our experience of whether our needs seem to us met or unmet in a given circumstance. Our assessment of whether or not our needs are met almost invariably involves an interpretation or belief. When our needs are met, we may feel happy, satisfied, peaceful, etc. When our needs are not met, we may feel sad, scared, frustrated, etc.

5. All human beings have the capacity for compassion: We have an innate capacity for compassion, though not always the knowledge of how to access it. When we are met with compassion and respect for our autonomy, we tend to have more access to our own compassion for ourselves and for others. Growing compassion contributes directly to our capacity to meet needs peacefully.

6. Human beings enjoy giving: We inherently enjoy contributing to others when we have connected with our own and others' needs and can experience our giving as coming from choice.

7. Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships: We meet many of our needs through our relationships with other people and with nature, though some needs are met principally through the quality of our relationship with ourselves and for some, with a spiritual dimension to life. When others' needs are not met, some needs of our own also remain unmet.

8. Human beings change: By virtue of the constantly unfolding nature of needs and strategies to meet them, all of us are dynamic processes, not static entities.

9. Choice is internal: Regardless of the circumstances, we can meet our need for autonomy by making conscious choices based on awareness of needs.

10. The most direct path to peace is through self-connection: Our capacity for peace is not dependent on having our needs met. Even when many needs are unmet, meeting our need for self-connection can be sufficient for inner peace.

Key Intentions when Using Nonviolent Communication

We hold the following intentions when using NVC because we believe that they help us contribute to a world where everyone’s needs are attended to peacefully.

Open-Hearted Living

1. Self-compassion: We aim to release all self-blame, self-judgments, and self-demands, and meet ourselves with compassion and understanding for the needs we try to meet through all our actions.

2. Expressing from the heart: When expressing ourselves, we aim to speak from the heart, expressing our feelings and needs, and making specific, do-able requests.

3. Receiving with compassion: When we hear others, we aim to hear the feelings and needs behind their expressions and actions, regardless of how they express themselves, even if their expression or actions do not meet our needs (e.g. judgments, demands, physical violence).

4. Prioritizing connection: We aim to focus on connecting open-heartedly with everyone’s needs instead of seeking immediate and potentially compromised solutions, especially in challenging situations.

5. Beyond "right" and "wrong": We aim to transform our habit of making "right" and "wrong" assessments (moralistic judgments), and to focus instead on whether or not human needs appear met (need-based assessments).

Choice, Responsibility, Peace

6. Taking responsibility for our feelings: We aim to connect our feelings to our own needs, recognizing that others do not have the power to make us feel anything. This recognition empowers us to take action to meet our needs instead of waiting for others to change.

7. Taking responsibility for our actions: We aim to recognize our choice in each moment, and take actions that we believe will most likely meet our needs. We aim to

avoid taking actions motivated by fear, guilt, shame, desire for reward, or ideas of duty or obligation.

8. Living in peace with unmet needs: We aim to work with our feelings when we experience our needs as unmet, connecting with the needs rather than insisting on meeting them.

9. Increasing capacity for meeting needs: We aim to develop our internal resources, particularly our NVC skills, so we can contribute to more connection and greater diversity of strategies for meeting needs.

10. Increasing capacity for meeting the present moment: We aim to develop our capacity to connect in each moment with our own and others' needs, and to respond to present stimuli in the moment instead of through static stories about who we and others are.

Sharing Power (Partnership)

10. Caring equally for everyone’s needs: We aim to make requests and not demands, thus staying open to the other's strategies to meet their needs. When hearing a "No" to our request, or when saying "No" to another’s request, we aim to work towards solutions that meet everyone’s needs, not just our own, and not just the other person’s.

11. Protective use of force: We aim to use the minimum force necessary in order to protect, not to educate, punish, or get what we want without the other’s agreement, and only in situations where we find that dialogue fails to meet an immediate need for physical safety. We aim to return to dialogue as soon as we have re-established a sense of physical safety.

© 2008 Inbal Kashtan and Miki Kashtan • nvc@baynvc.org • www.baynvc.org

Four Components of NVC

Four Components of NVC

The four components of Nonviolent Communication are the tools that help us communicate more effectively. Once you are familiar with these tools and how to use them, you will be in a position to shift your communication dramatically.

We will start by looking at each one of the components separately.

Observation

The first component of Nonviolent Communication is observation. Observations are simply the facts of a situation. What you heard someone say or what you saw someone do, without adding any evaluations or judgments. For instance, if someone said, "I like the red dress better," the observation is, "You said that you liked the red dress better" because the speaker is simply repeating back what the other person said. An observation that is mixed with evaluations or judgments might be "You said that you don't like me in the blue dress" because the speaker is interpreting what the other person meant by the statement. Do you notice the difference?

This distinction is important because most of us would argue with someone who repeated the second sentence. The argument would be about our interpretation of what the other person meant by their statement, or the other person defending their statement, rather than what is really important- gaining clarity about their intention or being heard about our hurt feelings that were stimulated by the statement.

Another form of observation is when we state the facts of what we saw or experienced, such as "You came home at 5:30," where the speaker simply states the actual event. An evaluation would be "You were late again. You're always late." How do you think you would respond to this? Most of us would defend ourselves by arguing about our lateness this time or we might reflect on all the times we were on time starting with February 2, 1972. Can you relate?

The observation, then, helps us stay focused on what was actually said or done and it helps us avoid needless arguments that serve to cover up the primary issue.

Feeling

The second component of Nonviolent Communication is feelings. We state how we feel about the situation directly after we have clarified the observation. This may seem like an unimportant step because many people think that their feelings should be obvious to the other person.

Unfortunately, what we are feeling isn't always obvious. Fear and excitement have the exact same physiological effects on our bodies and hurt and anger often look the same: heavier breathing, red face, elevated voice and tone, and increased pace in speech. Why take the chance that the other person will understand how we feel about the situation when we can tell them? Expressing how something affects us improves our opportunities for connection, understanding and ultimately resolution.

The following is a partial list of feelings:

happy, sad, joyful, scared, angry, ticked off, ecstatic, absorbed, involved, comfortable, cozy, calm, contented, peaceful, affectionate, loving, energetic, enthusiastic. Here's a more complete list of feelings.

Sometimes we confuse our feelings with our judgments about other people. This comes out when we say things like, "I feel like you're manipulating me." Or, "I feel that you don't care." Both these statements are emotionally charged and sound like feelings, yet no emotion is actually expressed. Instead, the speaker is saying what he thinks the other person is doing- manipulating or that she doesn't care.

Because these statements are emotionally charged, they will likely ignite the conversation. Often the argument will not move beyond this point because one person is arguing that the other is manipulative and the other person is arguing that she isn't manipulative. The argument becomes a verbal tug of war that rarely leads to peaceful resolution. In the end one of you is dragged through the mud leaving both people feeling like losers. One way to avoid these exceedingly frustrating moments is to clearly state your feelings, rather than your judgments about the other person, such as "I feel angry", or, "I feel hurt."

Here are a few additional examples of statements that sound like feelings, but are really thoughts about the other person:

I feel like you are ignoring me.

I feel you are spending too much time at work. I feel disrespected.

I feel judged.

Notice that many of these statements start out either, "I feel like?", or "I feel you." Whenever you catch yourself starting a sentence in this way, be aware that you are probably about to state a thought instead of a feeling!

Being clear about our feelings can help us and the other people in our life gain clarity.

Need

The third component of Nonviolent Communication is needs. Needs are anything that a person needs to sustain life no matter their race, religious preference, financial status, location or culture. Needs then are the basic things all people need to support life. The following are a few examples of needs:

love, food, shelter, caring, collaboration, support, appreciation, to be heard, comfort

Here's a more complete list of needs.

Another important distinction about needs is that everything someone does or says is an attempt to meet their needs. Therefore, it is an attempt to sustain life in some way.

For example, say that your teenage son mowed the lawn as you asked but didn't complete the project as well as you would have liked. Can you imagine what need or needs motivated his behavior? Could he have been trying to meet his need for autonomy, fun, relief, or ease?

Can you imagine the underlying needs that drive a parent to respond to his son by saying, "How is it that you can never finish a job?!?" Is it possible he has a need for completion, trust (that his son will complete a project without more intervention), order or maybe beauty (wanting the yard to look a certain way).

The son and parent both choose specific methods to meet their needs. Neither of them are bad people, they are simply employing the methods they have learned to meet their needs.

The tragic thing is that many times we try to get our needs met by using methods that will guarantee our failure! The parent and son both illustrate how this can happen. For instance, is it likely that the son's needs for ease, autonomy, fun, or relief will be met if he doesn't finish the lawn as agreed upon and then has to deal with his parent's disappointment later on? He may meet some of these needs in the moment but none of them long-term. His behavior, then, actually prevents him from meeting his underlying needs.

Similarly, the parent isn't likely to meet his needs for order, beauty, trust or completion if he says, "How is it that you can never finish a job?!?"

When we understand that our behaviors are an attempt to meet our needs, we can become more skilled at choosing behaviors that will help us succeed at this. The result is more ease, fun, depth, and joy in our relationships and in our lives.

Request

The fourth component of Nonviolent Communication is making a request. Where the need is general (everyone has the same needs), the request is specific. It is the strategy we would like to use to help us meet our unmet needs.

For instance, say that you said to someone:

1st Component - Observation: "When I see you kick the dog

2nd Component - Feelings: I feel worried and scared

3rd Component - Needs: because I value respect for all beings."

The 4th component clarifies what you would like the other person to do to meet your need for respect for all beings. Do you have an idea of what you might like to ask? How about this:

4th Component - Request: "Would you be willing to sit with the dog for a minute to make sure she's okay?"

Once we have clarified our unmet need, there are literally countless ways to meet that need. The request, then, becomes the way that seems to fit best with us. In this case some additional requests could have been: Would you please tell me why you kicked the dog? Would you go outside and play catch with the dog for a half-hour? Would you please take a few minutes to write down five other ways that you could release your tension that would also meet my need for respecting all beings?

The request is the specific action you'd like done to help you meet your need. There are two kinds of request a person could make. They are:

1. Action Request- where you ask someone to do a specific task, such as pet the dog, go to the store and buy milk, call the babysitter, or write a 10-page report.

2. Connection Request- where you ask someone to do something that will help you connect with them or that will help them connect to you. This usually comes up when one person wants to be heard or understood, or when someone wants to know how another person feels about what he said.

Effective requests have a few basic parts to them:

They are specific - If you want your teenage son to mow the lawn before 7:00 p.m., be specific. Don't ask him to mow the lawn and assume (or hope) that he'll mow it by 7:00 p.m.

They use positive language - Ask for what you want, not what you don't want. This adds clarity and positive energy to your request.

They use present language - Ask for something in the present that the other person could do or say right now. If the agreement you want will happen in the future, ask the other person if they are willing to make an agreement on that item now. In the next section you will learn how to use the four components of NVC to enhance and enrich your communication and relationship with other people.

Marathon Couples Therapy

Marathon Couples Therapy is a dynamic alternative to traditional weekly sessions. It’s a condensed and focused approach to marriage or couples counseling that will provide you with the time you need to address specific issues and get your relationship back on track. In this powerful therapy format, you’ll meet with Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D a highly trained and experienced therapist for either one day or three consecutive days, depending on your needs.

Couples that participate in Marathon Couples Therapy receive a scientific evaluation of their relationship from the GOTTMAN ASSESSMENT originating from the  Gottman Love Lab, the only one of its kind in the world. The comprehensive relationship assessment will pinpoint the areas in which you can achieve the greatest growth so you can move forward to a place of strength, reconnection, and hope.

Gottman Love Lab Assessment

The Gottman Love Lab has gained worldwide recognition for John Gottman’s breakthrough research on marital stability and divorce prediction. He has video recorded and studied over 3,000 couples, some for as long as 20 years. The revolutionary couples research lab, first opened in 1986 at the University of Washington, has been reimagined in downtown Seattle for the high-tech modern age.

Marathon Couples Therapy starts with an assessment. When we meet, we’ll talk about how you see your relationship right now. We’ll discuss your relationship and conduct an initial intake.

Then after that, we’ll help you identify areas of continuing disagreements in your relationship.

Based on all of this information, along with your responses to a comprehensive relationship questionnaire, we’ll do a mathematical analysis of your interaction patterns to simulate what your relationship will look like over time.

Dr. Mahaney will walk you through the findings and what they mean, and will explain to you the specific changes you can make to generate the most effective improvements in your relationship.

At the conclusion of your work with South Tampa Therapy, you will receive an extensive report outlining all of the interpreted data. This report is an amazing tool to be able to give in-depth insight into how to best support you to maintain the progress you have made.

Marathon Couples Therapy

Marathon Couples Therapy is offered either for one day or for three consecutive days for six hours a day. In most cases, we recommend a three-day marathon. A one-day marathon is appropriate for couples seeking preventative care, couples with a solid relationship that have some minor issues to work out, and couples interested in premarital preparation.

You will have time to talk in depth about the struggles and challenges of the relationship that simply cannot happen in the tradition style of couples therapy. There is time to process past injuries that have never healed, and time to understand how these injuries have impacted the relationship. There is time to learn and practice new communication skills to help you have more productive conversations. There’s time to rebuild.

Dr. Elizabeth Mahaney will provide an environment of safety for both partners. You will be treated with dignity and respect, without judgment, throughout the process. Couples who have experienced this form of therapy usually describe it as life-changing and transformative.

Marathon Couples Therapy offers some practical benefits as well. It’s a good fit for couples who want intensive therapy. It’s also a good fit for couples whose schedules do not allow for consistent weekly therapy sessions. And finally, it’s a great fit for couples who need to get help immediately.

It is important, however, that you also understand the risks involved. Despite the “nuts and bolts” approach of this method, the Marathon Couples Therapy format may move you more quickly and intensely into the areas of difficulty to be addressed. Therefore, you and/or your partner may experience uncomfortable feelings like sadness, guilt, anxiety, anger, loneliness, and helplessness. Your therapy may also involve recalling unpleasant aspects of your history together and/or individually.

Please reach out if you are interested in MARATHON COUPLES THERAPY.

You may book an appointment HERE and select ADD ON TIME.

Or text Dr. Mahaney directly #813-240-3237

Why I Only Accept 50% of Insurance Clientele & 50% Self-Pay In My Private Practice (50/50/❤️ MODEL)

WHY I ONLY ACCEPT A FEW NEW INITIAL INTAKE INSURANCE APPOINTMENTS

USING MY MORAL COMPASS AND COMPASSION FOR HUMANITY, I’M CHOOSING TO CREATE A 50/50/❤️ MODEL:

50/50/ ❤️= 50% SELF PAY 50% INSURANCE ❤️SLIDING SCALE FEE

Sliding Scale Fees help advocate for affordable mental health care and create an opportunity for highly qualified INTERNS to co-counsel clients in need. I interview interns extensively, decide selectively, and supervise very closely and yet very trustingly. I will be an active participant in each session.

I initially started accepting insurance 15 years ago when I felt a strong need to support my community, who needed financial support, to get consistent help. Despite hearing horror stories from colleagues about insurance paperwork and clawbacks, I joined a few insurance panels. I loved every minute of being a therapist! I hated everything about the administrative process when it came to dealing with insurance companies. Don’t get me wrong, I love my insurance peeps! We have connected over the years and I will continue to support my clients who choose to use insurance as they should!

I too, have health insurance. I get it, we have health insurance for a reason, pay high monthly premiums, and should be able to use insurance when we need it!

Regardless, I will show-up powerfully for ALL of my clients.

I feel good about my choice to create a 50/50/ ❤️BALANCE in my Private Practice!

As a healthcare member and a private practice provider, I’ve had the unique experience of seeing both perspectives of the healthcare system in the US.

As my specialty has continuously evolved, I have realized that mainly accepting insurance no longer make sense for the advanced work that I do. Ultimately, my decision came down to acting with integrity and practicing what I preach to my clients.

Here are some key points to help you understand my decision to create this model for my Practice:

LACK OF PRIVACY & CONFIDENTIALITY

When insurance companies pay for your treatment, it also means that their employees (clinicians or not) will audit my treatment plans and read what we talked about in my session notes. These employees are paid to save the insurance company money by searching for fraud and determining whether you're overusing your insurance coverage. In turn, the insurance company may decline authorization of additional sessions because you're not progressing fast enough; our work in psychotherapy does not qualify as "a medical necessity": or because my treatment approach isn't recognized by the insurance company as an "evidence-based treatment" (that's code for short-term, as in 6-8 sessions).

Hell, some insurance providers don't reimburse for 60-minute sessions anymore!

This doesn’t seem right.

I recently got audited by an insurance company. This audit took me countless hours, staying up late at night, time away from my family, unnecessary stress and scrutiny to provide tedious paperwork and specific details to prove that my clients needed the services provided. This is just not okay in my book. I totally understand documentation for integrity but demanding extra proof during a pandemic when I am already submitting the necessary information and feel overwhelmed and overworked helped me create the awareness and opportunity for me to reflect on MY CHOICE to accept insurance.

At first, I reactively felt angry resulting in thoughts and hopes that the insurance company would fire me! However, when I pause and feel to respond intentionally, I honestly and truly feel honored to hold space and care for ALL of my clients and I would feel disappointed if I were unable to offer insurance as an option.

In conclusion, I believe that everyone has a right to confidentiality of your medical records. You also have the liberty to progress through treatment at a pace that's best for YOU - one that allows you sufficient time to process everything that you're experiencing. Things unfold differently for each person, especially when our world seems chaotic (Global Pandemic)! If the insurance company fires me, they rip the therapeutic relationship apart that my clients and I have securely built over the years. Emotional injuries and attachment issues can be easily re-traumatized within seconds.

DIAGNOSIS OF ILLNESS

Insurance companies operate on a medical model, which means they require a diagnosis to establish that you have "a medical necessity" to seek services in order to pay providers. To justify that you have a "medical necessity" I have to assign you a diagnosis to be reimbursed for our work together when there may not be one that really fits what you're going through. The vast majority of insurance companies don't consider relationship issues like couples or family therapy, developmental/attachment trauma, existential issues, life-transitions, personal development, or self-improvement as "medical necessities" because there are no diagnoses for these in the DSM-V.

And even if there are appropriate diagnoses, there are some diagnoses that insurance companies don't consider debilitating enough to pay for. So, if I know what diagnoses are and are not paid for, l'd have to label you with a more severe diagnosis they will pay for, but one that may not really reflect your situation. I am not ok with this either!

You're probably wondering, "What's the harm in that? A little truth-bending never hurt anyone." Well, that's just it - it can. It can come back to bite my clients in the ass... your medical record. While that might not be such a big deal right now, it may become one later on if you want to: get life insurance, work in the financial sector managing other's assets, regularly handle firearms, or seek employment in any sector in which your decision-making might be called into question due to your emotional state. Call me crazy, but I feel that people should get the help they need without fear, stigma, or reprisal for making their mental health and personal growth a priority.

FRAUD

If I engaged in the aforementioned truth- bending, I'd essentially be committing insurance fraud. There are providers out there that are willing to walk this fine line and take this risk. In my opinion, the penalties and professional consequences of insurance fraud are huge, and frankly, not worth it. I have a strong need for peace of mind that comes with integrity.

LOW RATES

In order to be "in- network" with an insurance company, I have to agree to accept a lower fee in exchange for the insurance company listing my practice in their directory of providers and sending me referrals. In the spirit of transparency, most of my clients find me through friends, family and through searching online. And each year, insurance companies continue to cut the rates they pay therapists for their work.

Here's an example with real numbers and real circumstances of how this happens: My fee is $170 per session. But I joined XYZ Insurance Co.'s network because I had a client in need of services. I chose to help and chose to agree to the insurance reimbursement rate of $60 per session. My client would also be responsible for a co-pay of $0-$40 per session depending on his plan, bringing the total to $60-$100 per session. That means I'm waiving at LEAST $70-$110 for each session. As a healthcare professional, I want to help! I have made these types of choices for the 20 years that I have been in private practice. I will keep choosing to advocate for my clients who have insurance because I also have insurance for myself and my family.

Would you be willing to forgo ~65% of your salary?:-/

I will also continue to set boundaries with ALL of my clients and companies that I choose to work with. If you no-show as a self pay or insurance client, I will treat you the same and ban you from being able to book an appointment until we have a meeting. I get it. I want to understand one another and use empathy. Life happens. I want to turn toward these curveballs

Additionally, insurance companies have been increasing their members' premiums, deductibles, and co-pays in the last few years claiming rising costs of care. You'd think that that would translate to higher reimbursement rates to care providers, but it doesn't...at least not in the mental health fields. In fact, insurance reimbursement rates have actually decreased over the same period of time. You're probably wondering, "How do the therapists and psychologists that take insurance afford to?

For such insurance-based practices, taking on more clients than is clinically prudent is the only way to make up the difference and keep their doors open. This then leads to another problem...

BURNOUT & EXHAUSTION

Here's the reality, many providers that accept insurance overbook their schedules in order to turn a modest profit after rent, utilities, malpractice, and other expenses.

Additionally, these providers often only offer a 30-50-minute session to maximize the number of clients in a day (10 vs 8) and the chances of insurance reimbursement (remember, most insurance companies don't pay for 60-minute sessions anymore). Also, if you use the 60 min codes, you are flagged for audits which take hours and hours to complete.

DELAYED (OR NON) PAYMENTS

Despite the insurance companies agreeing to a set reimbursement rate, these companies require therapists to jump through a bunch of hoops to get paid. It is common practice for most insurance companies to reject submitted paperwork to delay payments. When they're not seeing clients, these therapists are drowning in insurance paperwork and resubmitting billing claims in order to get paid, or spending hours on the phone contesting unpaid claims.

On average, it takes an additional 1.5 hours of UNPAID work outside of the session to get paid for sessions. And remember, the therapist is already making less by agreeing to take insurance. (In my previous example, it would cost $255 of my time ($170x1.5) to get paid my $60 reimbursement rate from XYZ Insurance Co.)

The alternative is to pay a medical billing company 8-10% of the claims' costs to do the aforementioned, but that increases expenses and cuts into that modest profit I mentioned before. But let's say that I or my medical billing admin ARE able to see the claim through the labyrinthine insurance payment process, the payment will finally arrive in my bank account anywhere between 3-6 months after the session took place IF everything goes smoothly.

RETROACTIVE CLAIM DENIALS (AKA CLAW BACKS)

Now imagine that, after all that trouble, that insurance company asked you to give the money back, even years later. Yep, this really happens and, unfortunately, it's a common practice among insurance companies. They'll audit your claims and paperwork for several years back. If they find any mistakes or inconsistencies in the therapist's paperwork they missed when they originally approved the therapist's claim, the insurance company will request that the therapist return the fees she was paid.

Pretend that your employer sent you a bill requesting that you repay the income you'd earned 3 years ago. Would that seem fair to you? I didn't think so. Claw backs can amount to thousands of dollars that can bankrupt a small business like a private practice. Many insurance- based clinicians live in fear of such retroactive audits.

Before reflecting and reassessing the insurance-based private practice I founded, I recently heard from a friend and colleague that a major insurance company requested thousands of dollars be returned by the end of the month. Talk about stressful!

All together that's a recipe for a tired, overworked, and stressed out therapist.

This may have been the problem if you've ever been to therapy that you felt didn't "work" with a provider from your insurance company. I should know. I started to experience the symptoms of burnout after two years of insurance-based practice. And that's when I realized, "Crap! I'm doing the things I tell my clients not to do!" Talk about incongruence!

So I changed my business model for the sake of the well-being of myself and my team to preserve the quality of care we want to provide every client. It breaks my heart to REDUCE ACCESS to care for people in need, but I realized early on that we can't help anyone if we're stressed/burned out or have to close our doors. I am choosing the 50/50/❤️ MODEL to advocate for mental health and well-being for all!

This makes sense to me!

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF PRIVATE SELF-PAY AND/OR A 50/50/❤️MODEL FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE?

No Labeling - You don't have to carry an unnecessary diagnosis on your medical record. Although, if you’d like to create awareness and assess for diagnostic criteria, I would invite this curiosity and self exploration.

Confidentiality & Privacy - You and your psychotherapist are the only people that will know you're in therapy. You get to choose who you disclose this information to. Session notes are private records so there won't be intimate details to “prove medical necessity/ diagnosis info”.

I am highly confidential and keep minimal notes. I naturally remember our sessions together because I truly care and our therapeutic relationship is genuinely important to me.

Self-Determination - You get to work with a psychotherapist that is free to use the best therapeutic approach to help YOU meet YOUR goals. You and your psychotherapist are the only people involved in the decision about the length of your care. You won't have to seek additional authorization to continue your work or return to psychotherapy, if you have new goals you'd like to explore.

Quality Care & Attention - You'll get a psychotherapist that's alert and engaged during your session, remembering the details of previous conversations. You'll have the help of a professional that's invested in your process of growth because they've taken the time to do the same for themselves. She will be able to use the healing methods that are most appropriate for you.

You might be thinking that this is just one therapist's rant against insurance companies. Don't take my word for it. Feel free to do your own research!

If you tried psychotherapy and were disappointed with the results or the treatment didn't seem to "fit" after working with a provider from your insurance company, I hope you have a better understanding of what might have been happening behind the scenes. We urge you to reconsider getting some support now that you do. There are great providers in the healing professions on both sides of the insurance divide that can help you.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING ABOUT WHY I HAVE DECIDED TO CHOOSE THE 50/50/❤️ MODEL!

50/50/ ❤️= 50% SELF PAY 50% INSURANCE ❤️SLIDING SCALE FEE

Call or TEXT with any questions:

📱#813-240-3237 or ***Book Now: —> ❤️

Gottman Marriage Therapy in South Tampa, Florida with Counselor Elizabeth Mahaney

GOTTMAN MARRIAGE THERAPY

Elizabeth Mahaney, LMHC, MFT, NCC, Ph.D will help her clients:

1. Choose an intervention that is appropriate for the clients at the moment.

2. Recognize the Four Horseman when one member of a couple exhibits the behavior.

3. Stop the couple’s dyadic interaction when one member exhibits one of the four horseman. Describe the Four Horseman to the couple.

4. Explain the antidote to the relevant horseman clearly and accurately.

5. Coach the person with an alternative way to express him- or herself using an appropriate antidote.

6. Re-direct the couple to resume communication in a dyadic way. Continue to monitor for the four horsemen and intervene if they reemerge.

7. Identify when one or both partners are physiologically flooded (and not just upset) and stop the interaction between the couple.

8. Provide a brief explanation of flooding in clear, sensitive language.

9. Intervene by guiding one or both partners through a relaxation technique before continuing.

10. Explain the Dreams Within Conflict process and goals clearly.

11. Instruct couple on the Dreams Within Conflict intervention.

12. Assist one partner to ask the other partner questions about the dream or deeper meaning imbedded in their specific gridlocked issue.

13. Provide The Dream Catcher Questions handout and coach one partner to ask the other questions from the handout to increase understanding of their partner’s underlying dreams or deeper meaning embedded in the specific gridlocked issue; help the couple hold to the questions to go deeper vs. getting into their own point of view.

14. Introduce the concept of softened start-ups and explain why it helps (i.e., it is easier for their partner to hear and understand their point).

15. Explain research showing that the first three minutes of a discussion predicts whether that discussion will go well and whether their overall relationship will go well.

16. Explain importance of expressing needs in positive terms and instruct the partner to restate their point without criticism and then direct them to resume dyadic interaction.

17. Stop couple’s interaction when one or both partners are not accepting influence.

18. Explain the need for accepting influence (which may include reference to research). This includes finding a way to understand and honor some aspect of their partner’s position, with a focus on yielding and accepting influence rather than on persuading.

19. Stop couple and instruct in the concept of offering and accepting repairs and why it is useful.

20. Provide the Repair Checklist and explain the use.

21. Ask appropriate Gottman Oral History questions and stay on track with sensitivity to couple’s issues.

22. Conduct History interview with appropriate timing.

23. Conduct History interview with sensitivity to issues of co-morbidity.

Clear Communication!

You are not allowed to complain about not getting something that you never asked for.

Read that again^.

Do you find yourself getting upset at your partner for things you never communicated to them?

Take this scenario for example: you get home and make your partner a delicious dinner. You put so much time and thought into it—they’re bound to help you with the dishes, right? But they don’t do the dishes, and now you’re upset with them. They notice and ask you what’s wrong, but you respond with a sour, “Nothing.” They should know that you expected them to clean up after dinner.

Is this starting to sound a bit “off”? Your partner can’t read your mind.

You must ask for what you want in order to receive it.

There’s many ways to ask for what you want, and some work better than others. Learn more about putting your feelings into words without contempt or criticism. Book an appointment to deepen your connection, build trust and commitment, and communicate more openly with tools and exercises designed to bring you and your partner closer together.

The next time you get angry about your partner not doing something, ask yourself, “Did I verbally ask them to do this?”

Communicating your needs with your partner can clear up misunderstandings and help avoid hurt feelings.

You’ve probably done this before.

You come home from a long day at work, and nothing sounds better to you than a nice back scratch. You snuggle up to your partner so that their hands are placed perfectly on your back. You roll your shoulders in a motion that universally signals, “scratch my back.” But they don’t get the hint.

Slightly frustrated, but not yet defeated, you position yourself behind them and start scratching their back. As soon as you’re finished, they turn to you and say, “Gee, thanks, honey. That was sure sweet of you.”

And then, nothing. They don’t return the favor.

Wait. What?

You feel hurt and resentful. They broke the #1 rule every logical person should know! If someone scratches your back, you must scratch theirs!

Back scratching isn’t the only area where you see this kind of nonverbal agreement that one would think shouldn’t have to be spoken and everyone should just know.

For example:

• If you buy your partner flowers and chocolate, they’ll want to have sex with you, right?

• If you spend the evening making a delicious dinner for your partner, they’re bound to help you with the dishes, right?

Is this starting to sound a bit ridiculous? Your spouse can’t read your mind.

You have to ask for what you need

Why is it so hard to ask for what you want? Like, with spoken and specific words—not just unspoken signals or secret codes?

One evening, I was babysitting my sister’s adorable two-year-old girl. It was time for her to go to bed, and I was helping her to put on her jammies.

“I want the purple ones.”

“No problem! Purple jammies it is!”

“Read stories.”

“Alright, let’s read a book!”

After we read of few of her favorites, which she had no hesitation pointing out to me, I placed her in her crib to go to sleep. She immediately grabbed my arm and said, “Ang-uh-winn sing song?” in her adorable voice.

As I started singing her a lullaby, she said, “Scratch my back?” I started scratching her back while singing her a song, and it wasn’t too long before she fell asleep.

That little girl, at two years old, let me know exactly what she wanted from me in order to go to sleep peacefully. She set me up for success by expressing her needs in a clear and positive way so that I could fulfill them.

But what happens when we get older?

Sadly, the older my niece gets, people won’t be so kind or willing when she asks them what she wants. She might ask someone to scratch her back and they’ll tell her, “No.”

In fact, people might start telling her that asking for what she wants is selfish or rude. There may come a time when she thinks to herself, “It’s best if I just keep quiet.”

There was a time in your life when this happened to you, too. You asked for something you wanted and got rejected. You learned how bad it can hurt when someone willfully dismisses your request, especially if it’s important to you. You learned that it can be scary to ask for what you want, and that makes you vulnerable to let someone in on your hopes and desires.

No wonder it’s hard to ask for what you want! The second a request leaves your mouth, it’s up to the other person to decide whether or not to grant that request. It’s out of your control. And who likes to feel out of control?

Instead, you keep your mouth shut. If your partner doesn’t pick up on your subtle clues, at least you don’t have to admit that it was something you wanted in the first place. Instead, you’re just secretly angry at them while they wonder what they did wrong.  

Though it softens the blow of the rejection when you don’t speak up about what you need, it also doesn’t leave you any less resentful over not getting what you want. Plus, it practically guarantees that you WON’T get what you want.

What would be a better alternative to secret cues, signals, and non-verbal agreements that leave us disappointed and set our partners up for failure?

Simple. Learn to ask for what you want!

Use your words, and use them well

Nate and I have a motto in our marriage that came from Terry Real’s book, “The New Rules of Marriage.”

“You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.”

You are not allowed to complain about not getting something that you never asked for.  The next time you get angry about your partner not doing something, I want you to ask yourself, “Did I verbally ask them to do this?”

Now, there are many ways to ask for something that you want, and let’s just say that some ways work better than others. Let’s use an example such as doing the dishes by yourself while your partner watches TV.

“I’m always cooking your dinner and you never help me with the dishes. You always just sit there in front of the TV while I do it? Why don’t you help me for a change?”

Woof. Using words like “always” or “never” is a surefire way of putting your spouse on the defense. This example of asking isn’t really asking at all. It’s criticizing your partner, and heavily so. This puts all the attention on how they’re the bad guy, instead of choosing to be vulnerable and respectfully expressing what you really want.

I can see this turning into a never-ending argument of, “Oh yeah? Well, you always do this, and you never do that,” going back and forth until the dishes get moldy and you forget about them entirely.

“Maybe, you know, you could help me with the dishes, if you want.”

Or, “If you have time, if it’s convenient for you, maybe you could try and help me with the dishes?”

Or even more classic, “Do you want to help me with the dishes, or would you rather just watch TV?”

These are all different ways of saying the same thing. In this situation, you are not expressing what you want. Instead, you are implying with your request that it is actually your partner who wants it, that it’s actually their idea. It takes the pressure off of you, and it puts the blame on them for not fulfilling a promise they never made.

This reminds me of a time we were helping with a social gathering at a neighbor’s house. Nate was in charge of putting out the snacks. He had left them in their original plastic container and just set them on the table.

The host of the party came to the snack table, turned to Nate, and in that passive-aggressive sing-song voice we all know said, “Do you want to put these treats on a separate platter?”

Nate replied, “No, I think they are fine in the plastic.”

She looked at him like he had just slapped her in the face.  He quickly realized his error and said, “I mean, yeah, of course, I want to put them on a separate platter. There’s nothing more in this world that I want than to have these treats on a platter!”

It was awkward.

The answer to the question she asked him was, indeed, “No.”

No, he didn’t want to put them on a separate platter. He didn’t see the need to do so.

But, that wasn’t the question she was really asking, was it?

Can you see how it would have been so much easier if she had just said, “Hey, I’d love it if you put these on a separate platter so that it looks nicer for the guests.” Nate would have known exactly what she wanted and would have happily fulfilled her request.

“Can you please help me with the dishes?”

This example is better than the first two, and it’s a good place to start. Saying “please” is wonderful, respectful, and it makes it much easier for your spouse to want to help.

However, the request falls a little, well, flat. It doesn’t get across how much it would mean to you to receive that help you are asking for.

I can see getting a response like, “Sure honey, just let me finish this game first” or “How about we just do them in the morning?”

There’s still too much room for failure with this example. You’ll need to communicate why you need the help, or how it’s important to you to receive help from your partner.

“Honey, I’d love some help with the dishes. I worked hard on making dinner tonight and I’d appreciate it if you helped clean up. Can we do the dishes together? It would really make me feel loved.”

This hits the nail on the head. First, you make your desire known—you’d really love some help with the dishes.

Second, you tell them why you’d like to help with the dishes, because you worked really hard on dinner!

You give your partner clear expectations on when you’d like it done right now.

And lastly, you tell them what it would do for you if they granted your request. It would help you feel loved.

How to set your partner (and you) up for success

Can you see why this would make it much easier for your spouse to say yes to your request? You’re giving them everything they need to give you what you need. You’re setting them up for success!

Mastering the skill of asking for what you want effectively, efficiently, and respectfully is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your partner.

Do I Need to Heal Before Starting A New Relationship?

The critical question: “Do you have to heal completely before you can start a new relationship?”

THE GRIEF PROCESS AND HEALING

First, let’s go deeper into the question. What do we mean by healing? Does anyone ever “completely” heal? How can you know when you are ready to start again?

Grief is a constellation of emotions you experience when you lose someone with whom you had emotional attachments. The feelings you have when grieving are normal, but most of the time, they are unpleasant. People tend to want them to go away. What needs to be realized though is that these feelings have a purpose. Sadness helps you to step away from others and to look inward. It gives you time to assess yourself and come to terms with your own responsibilities and mistakes. It gives you time to think about the future you want and to slowly take steps forward. 

There are other feelings when you grieve. Anger is a powerful emotion that helps you make changes, but it often becomes a source of bonding that can cause problems. Grieving people can join with one another in a relationship based on their anger at their ex-partners and quickly bond over that commonality. These relationships can grow fast and feel very powerful, but they need much more than shared anger as a basis. 

William Worden in his book “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy” discusses recovery as a four-step process. First, you must accept the reality of the loss and begin to see the opportunities for a new future. Second, you need to feel the feelings of loss. This is the step most avoided but it’s necessary. Third, you must adjust to the realities of life without the other. The fourth step is letting go of the lost partner and finding new, meaningful relationships. These new relationships might be romantic or they might be something else.

FINAL THOUGHT

How long does it take? People try to put a time frame on this process, but it’s hard to measure things that way. You may never feel “completely healed.” If you wait for that, you may never move forward. How do you know you are healed enough? When are you really ready? When the feelings of sadness and loss begin to lift when you are alone with your thoughts, and your imagination starts accepting thoughts of a brighter future… you are starting to get there. 

Tips to Build Trust in Relationships

When you think of trust in relationships, you likely think of rebuilding after an incident where trust was challenged and/or lost. Some common reasons trust becomes an issue in relationships are dishonesty, unreliability, and betrayal. 

Let’s be PROACTIVE and focus on building a foundation of trust from the start of the relationship. To prevent the pitfalls of the issues listed above, here are four practical, concrete ways to establish trust and maintain it. 

BUILDING EVERYDAY TRUST

• Say what you mean and mean what you say. Your word is important, so it is important to match actions with words. An example of practicing this is honoring commitments. If you say, “I’ll be there to help you move on Saturday,” you should make sure to be there on Saturday. It is extremely easy to promise the world (especially in new relationships) because you care for the person. But you do MORE damage when you make promises that you can not keep. This is not to say that you are not allowed to change your mind about something. Just be sure to communicate this to your partner. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say allows your partner to know they can trust your words.

• Communicate your intentions clearly. Having effective and clear communication is important in maintaining a successful relationship professionally and with friends and family. It is just as important in romantic relationships. Your partner is NOT a mindreader, so state your intentions and state them often. An example of practicing this: if you want to do movie night on Wednesday, you communicate this with your partner. Another example is, if you are contemplating making major life changes in the future, inform your partner (not necessarily asking permission). Communicating your intentions keeps your partner informed of what you are thinking so they do not have to guess, make assumptions, and get caught off guard.

• Admit your mistakes. Reliability and accountability are important in all relationships. Your partner wants to know that you will admit when you have made a mistake! We all make them. Building trust within a relationship is taking accountability for your mistake, asking how you can make it better, and making a commitment that you will not make that particular mistake again (or at least making a plan to limit that particular mistake).

• Always tell the truth. This one may seem like a no-brainer, but you would be surprised how many good-hearted people lie. Good people lie to avoid conflict, to get out of situations, and to please the person in front of them. When you are dishonest about small things (think white lies), it makes it hard for others to trust you when it comes to bigger issues. An alternative to telling a white lie is allowing yourself time to think about the issue. “I’m not sure yet, can I get back to you?” or “I am feeling emotional about this topic, I would like to table it and come back when I am feeling more grounded” are better options than lying.  Always telling the truth is the first step in establishing everyday trust in relationships.

• BE CONSISTENTLY CONSISTENT

  These four practical tips to building trust in everyday relationships will help start your relationship off with a strong foundation.  If you are in a relationship now, I ask you to look inward and ask yourself if you are practicing these four tips. If you are not, pick one to actively work on. Practice the tip for two weeks before moving on to the next tip. Building trust is a marathon, not a sprint. Be patient and take your time. Your relationship will be better for it.

Finding Harmony in LGBTQIAPK Relationship Conflict

TWO MUSICIANS ON DIFFERENT NOTES

Michael and Jonathan sat uneasily on the couch with a safe distance between them for the first Oral History Interview.  For me to see both of them on the computer screen, I asked them to move closer and they laughed nervously.  

Both are gifted musicians who support their partner’s career path. They had spent months in a long-distance relationship due to different touring schedules. The recent pandemic meant spending more time together. 

Maintaining the relationship had not been easy because they would have frequent disagreements that left both feeling misunderstood and attacked.  Jonathan now avoided bringing up discussions about things like finances because it seemed to get out of control so quickly.  His avoidance only served to make Michael feel more blamed and eager to defend his position.  

They were gridlocked in recurring conflict.

PERFECT HARMONY

They reminded me of an old song by Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney that opens with: “Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony / Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don’t we?”  Apart from complaining that it was cheesy, they tolerated my sparse Baby Boomer musical knowledge.  Jonathan smiled and said, “It’s a long time since we’ve experienced perfect harmony!” However, they did remember those times.

Both men spoke fondly of the early days when they were smitten with each other.  Almost a decade later they were determined to work things out.  The commitment was there but they needed to learn how to manage conflict.

THE GOTTMAN METHOD IN PRACTICE

I introduced them to the “Dreams within Conflict” exercise.  This is my absolute favorite Gottman intervention. It works like magic in helping clients move from fighting to caring about each other.

Each of them played the role of “Listener” and “Speaker” to truly understand the dreams and the stories behind their different positions about money.  Michael was a spender who did not want worries about money to hold them back from living the life they wanted. That meant having a place of their own instead of sharing with Jonathan’s parents.  In contrast, Jonathan was much more conservative and fearful of debt. He did not want their choices to be restricted in the long term by taking on a large financial burden. Yet, he accepted they could not live with his parents indefinitely.  

I did a lot of interrupting when it seemed that the conversation was going downhill, specifically, when the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” made an appearance.  It took considerable coaching to help both men find something they could validate about the other’s opinion.  

The turning point came when they each shared feelings of vulnerability.  Michael explained his distress about feeling judged as irresponsible because of his approach to money.  It was upsetting for him to feel like he was once again the bad one in the family.  Jonathan felt threatened by Michael becoming so excitable and physical in discussions. 

It was helpful for them to share childhood stories of when Jonathan had to hide his own emotions to avoid provoking his elder sister who had angry physical outbursts.  That was a light bulb moment. It suddenly made sense to Michael why Jonathan so often got overwhelmed.  No wonder their arguments escalated!  It wasn’t actually Michael’s fault, but it did give him a clue on how to communicate in a way that meant he would be heard. 

At that moment,  both of them reached out across the divide, apologized, and held each other’s hand.  They looked like they were back on the same team working together to fix the problems.

STRIKING THE RIGHT CHORD IN AND OUT OF SESSION

In follow-up sessions, both men complained about how much easier it was to do the right thing and speak respectfully in therapy.  Of course, it is human nature to be on your best behavior when we are being observed!  But now they had a script to follow to discuss future disagreements. The challenge was to make the new skills second nature so Jonathan and Michael could use them in real-life settings.  

In later sessions, I taught them how to follow the guidelines of “How to Process a Regrettable Incident.”  We also worked through the homework of a “7-week guide for Creating Fondness and Admiration.” I explained that if they worked on building a stronger friendship and noticed each other’s good points it would make conflict easier and help them to be more willing to compromise.

It was not a quick fix. Gradually, they started to use the skills more regularly to talk about their disagreements and to listen compassionately to the other’s point of view.  They were happy for me to write about their progress in this blog post. They hoped that it would encourage other gay couples to seek counseling for relationship difficulties. 

Gottman Institute Robyn Blake-Mortimer Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Same-sex Relationships

Nonviolent Communication for Anger

“The cause of anger lies in our thinking – in thoughts of blame and judgment.”

– Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

Many people want to know how to use Nonviolent Communication for anger because it can be such a scary emotion for so many people. Feeling it, expressing it — and being on the receiving end of it — can be extremely unsettling!

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) helps us navigate anger in a holistic way. Using NVC for anger is a healthy and empowering way to rewire our responses to this powerful emotion.

Because anger is so often associated with violence, it’s common for people to avoid anger — as they might avoid conflict — out of their need for safety.

But anger itself is simply an emotion.

How we choose to handle it — including how we hold it within ourselves and how we express it — can make all the difference.

Just as importantly, how we handle another person’s anger, especially when it is directed toward us, can also make the difference between conflict and connection. Let’s take a deeper look at how Nonviolent Communication for anger works with our internal dialogues….

Healthy Ways to Handle Anger Inside Ourselves

Nonviolent Communication gives us healthy ways to handle anger inside ourselves.

Employing Nonviolent Communication for anger first requires acknowledging that this is an incredibly powerful emotion, and that we probably need to find more healthy ways to handle it inside ourselves.

One of the main challenges to finding healthy ways to deal with anger inside ourselves is that by the time anger arises we have usually already lost control.

By using Nonviolent Communication for anger, we rewire our capacity and skills for handling anger constructively. At first, our attention centers on how soon we can recover from an anger episode, and with what intention and how soon do we engage in any necessary relationship repair and clean-up.

As we cultivate healthy ways to handle our anger, we begin to catch it sooner. We start to notice subtle shifts and changes before we’ve erupted in anger! We can notice where we’ve made an assumption or an interpretation that in the past would have led to us feeling angry. This helps us calm down and deconstruct the story that has led to anger. It also gives us the opportunity to question it or check it out with others, before lashing out in anger.

As we cultivate healthy ways to handle anger inside ourselves, we begin to discern the deeper Universal Human Needs and values that underlie an expression of anger. Once a person has connected with their own (and/or others’) underlying needs and values, what we find is that the emotion shifts. At that point it’s usually not anger anymore. The shift from right/wrong thinking to connection with the underlying needs or values comes with a shift in the feeling which now might be frustration or sorrow, but no longer anger.

When we connect with our feelings and needs, and we allow our feelings to flow in a space of presence, healing begins to happen. At this point, we are getting closer to a place of mourning, forgiveness, and self-forgiveness.

Healthy Ways to Deal with Anger from Other People

Learning healthy ways to handle anger inside ourselves is only one part of how Nonviolent Communication and anger relate. Another part involves learning healthy ways to deal with anger from other people. Being on the receiving end of anger can be incredibly scary for reasons of our emotional, mental, and physical safety.

In these situations, besides high-level NVC skills, we want reassurance that we will be safe. (See the distinction between protective and punitive use of force.)

If we are certain of our physical safety, sometimes another’s anger is disconcerting for other reasons:
They have judgments of us which are hard to hear and/or,
We are taking responsibility for their feelings, telling ourselves that we made this person feel bad, and/or,
We’re concerned about some damage to an important relationship, as well as all that that can mean and imply.

The tools of NVC come in handy when cultivating healthy ways to deal with anger from other people. These tools include self-empathy, empathy toward others, and the ability to express truthfully or authentically with the intention to create a connection and refraining from using words that would cause more harm.

Imagine working on anger — your own or receiving others’ — to the point where you felt safe and comfortable around it, and knew how to handle it confidently and effectively, able to defuse conflicts and guide them toward more connection!

How does this look in an everyday context?

Let’s consult Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on NVC and anger to find out….

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on NVC for Anger

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. had revolutionary insight on the relationship between NVC and anger. According to Dr. Rosenberg, anger means we are disconnected from our needs. He taught us that anger is one of the four emotions that are disconnected from needs because of what we are telling ourselves. (The other three are shame, guilt, and depression).

In a practical context, these are the types of questions we can ask ourselves to see if we are progressing on using NVC for anger:

When someone speaks to me in anger, do I stay self-connected? Can I give myself self-empathy rather than judge them back or blame myself?

When someone speaks to me in anger, how soon does my attention go to what their needs might be? Am I able to give them empathic presence (perhaps after giving myself self-empathy) rather than judge them back or blame myself?

When someone speaks to me in anger, to what degree am I able to hang in there with the conversation? Am I able to express my honesty from the heart, my feelings and my needs — perhaps in addition to empathic presence, possibly with moments of self-empathy throughout — rather than judge them, blame myself, lash out, disconnect, or rush to a solution for short term relief?

To what extent can I hang in there in a tough conversation for the possibility of deeper connection and a mutually satisfying outcome?

If I notice we’re both angry, and both want to be heard at the same time, can I call a time-out in a way that we can get support in order to come back to the conversation?

With NVC for anger, we also learn how to own the causes and express anger fully. This means deconstructing the story we have and getting to the underlying needs. When we do this we can express what we value and cherish — rather than focusing on our judgments of others or becoming entrenched in who was right or wrong. In this way, NVC for anger helps us shift the feeling of anger to other, more life-connected feelings.

Content by PuddleDancer Press. Use of content okay with attribution. Please visitwww.nonviolentcommunication.comto learn more about Nonviolent Communication.

Nonviolent Communication Skills in Intimate Relationships

“NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people. ”

– Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

The connection between Nonviolent Communication and Intimate Relationships is strong and vital — and perhaps not obvious to those unfamiliar with NVC.

For those of us with NVC skills who are also in intimate relationships, we can’t imagine being in a relationship without NVC!

Intimate relationships are some of the most meaningful connections with the people who are most important to us.

This is why when disconnection happens it can be more painful than in other types of relationships.

In intimate relationships the stakes are higher, in part because our emotional investment is greater.

For all these reasons and more, learning NVC skills to prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts in intimate relationships can help us deepen and enjoy those relationships more fully!

The Importance of Communication in Intimate Relationships

An intimate relationship without communication is like a bird without wings, or a tree without leaves. Communication is one of the primary mediums for connection, and without connection how intimate can a relationship be?

The importance of communication in intimate relationships — now, today —can be summed up by the proverb: “dig your well before you’re thirsty.”

What does this mean?

In this metaphor, thirst is the need for connection, for mutual understanding, for the trust and good will that take us to mutually satisfying ways of living. The well would be access to NVC tools and the practice to become skillful with them.

Your NVC skills can take you to mutual understanding and deeper connection — consistently!

However — there is a big difference between having a tool and being skillful with it.

Can you understand why it might serve NOT to wait until you’re in a full-blown conflict to decide that you want to develop your communication skills?

Communication helps us each know where we’re at, what we’re each feeling, what’s important to us, and what we would like.

There’s another apt proverb here: “An ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure.”

The importance of communication in intimate relationships goes way beyond resolving conflicts.

As you develop your skills you begin to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. And this allows you to conserve mental and emotional energy, and prevent angst and suffering.

Beyond misunderstandings and conflicts, the importance of communication in intimate relationship is that it contributes to an ongoing deepening of your most important connections.

Common Communication Problems in Relationships

There are many common communication problems in relationships.

Fortunately, NVC has principles, insights, and tools that address every one of them!

One of the most common communication problems in relationships is when we listen to respond rather than to understand.

When you are present, and listening to understand, you will still have a chance to respond later! But first, help the other person experience being understood. This is not the same as agreement; simply understanding.

When the other person feels understood they are much more open to hearing you out! And the dynamic of hearing each other deeply as each person reveals vulnerably, allows the conversation to deepen to a place of authentic connection in which conflicts often resolve themselves.

Sometimes you might be in a conversation that is going just fine, and a little while into it you and the other person find yourselves in a very uncomfortable place — a disagreement, a disconnection, or even a full-blown conflict — and you’re wondering, how did we get here?

This is actually quite a common experience, and is related to the previous communication problem. Sometimes there is even a slight miscommunication — for example one person says red and the other hears blue — and nobody notices.

These situations easily lead to misunderstandings which can lead to conflicts.

A true-life example: a woman said to her male partner, “I don’t want to be so wifey.”

What she meant: “I don’t want to be the only one doing the housework.”

What he heard: “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

This couple ended up divorcing — true story — and is an example of a small miscommunication that can spiral out of control quickly if we don’t catch it. So slowing down, listening to understand, and asking clarifying questions can save us all a lot of heartbreak! (In the example of the couple above, their large group of friends also went through a form of heartbreak.)

Another common communication problem in relationships is rushing to a solution in a way that skips the connection. Often the person who does this has positive intentions of wanting to resolve an issue or fix a problem.

However, when we skip the connection the other person rarely feels included in the solution. Furthermore, we have little guarantee that the solution will meet their needs because we haven’t taken the time to find out what they are! NVC encourages us to connect first — get clear on each person’s observations, feelings, needs, and requests — and then, once the needs are clear and there is mutual understanding, together arrive at a strategy that meets all or most of the needs.

Connection before solution!

Nonviolent Communication is also known as life-connected, life-serving communication. As such, it has its opposite: life-disconnected, life-alienating communication, which is defined as the type of thinking and language which takes us away from the quality of connection for which we are seeking.

Most of the common communication problems in relationships can be identified in this life-disconnected thinking and language. These include:

Diagnosing others: This includes judgments, name-calling, and criticism. Diagnoses also include assuming we know what another person is thinking, feeling, or needing. (“You’re obviously very angry about that!”) And they include any static language that would explain why someone is acting the way they are (the problem with you is you are [an egomaniac; an Aries; a troubled soul; a rebel, etc.]).

Denying responsibility: This includes any language that implies that we lack choice. I had to. I had no choice. You made me. I can’t. This does not mean that we always like the options of which we’re aware. Sometimes we dislike every option, and yet, within that we still have choice. And sometimes we’re not aware of other possibilities because we are in a “crisis of imagination.” Rather than owning our choices we act as if we are powerless. I have no choice, it’s (the law, company policy, superiors’ orders). Accusatory blame would fit in this category.

Placing demands on others: In NVC we take responsibility for what we are wanting by expressing clear requests. In a request, the other person’s needs matter too, and so no is an option. In a demand, ‘no’ is not an option. In a demand, by definition, the other person’s needs do not matter equally to the person issuing the demand. The reason this hurts relationships is that, if I am on the receiving end of demands it communicates that my needs don’t matter. This, in turn, leads to resentment and disconnection. Over time, it is quite likely that the needs of the person placing the demands cease to matter to the person on the receiving end.

Life-alienated motivations: The key insight here can be summarized by a phrase often emphasized by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, creator of NVC: The energy with which we do anything for each other is just as important as the action itself. Life-alienated motivations include fear, guilt, shame, duty/obligation, to obtain an extrinsic reward, to avoid punishment, or acting out of “shoulds” or have-tos.” When we do something for each other out of these motivations, it creates disconnection, resentment, and serves to break down trust. We want to do things for each other when we are connected to how it serves life, how it also contributes to our needs.

Using Compassionate Communication in Relationships

The key to using Compassionate Communication in relationships consists of remembering three things: Purpose, Intention, and Attention.

It’s extremely helpful to remember that the purpose of Compassionate Communication (another name for NVC) is to create a high quality of connection out of which people naturally and spontaneously enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being. This is how we find win-win or mutually satisfying outcomes: out of the connection.

The purpose is not to get others to do what you want, or to get your way, or to get a particular thing to happen!

So when you enter a conversation or are in an interaction, remember that the purpose is first to connect.

And so it helps if this is our intention.

When connecting with another, check your intention. What do I want here? Is my intention to be right? Am I willing to let go of being right and my preferred outcome in order to connect first? Do I trust that once we connect we can together find a mutually agreeable outcome?

And one of the outcomes of developing in NVC is skillful deployment of your attention.

Using Compassionate Communication in relationships means being able to put our attention on feelings and needs, rather than on who’s right and who’s wrong. It means putting our attention on our own, and the other person’s, humanity in order to connect and find a way of being with each other that is mutually fulfilling.

This is how using Compassionate Communication in relationships teaches us to use purpose, intention, and attention to create deeper and more satisfying relationships.

Using NVC to Improve Communication in a Relationship

Using compassionate communication in relationships is simple, though it is not necessarily easy.

The reason is that it helps us become aware of and re-configure old, unconscious patterns that get in the way of the quality of connection we’re looking for. Sometimes discovering these old patterns is painful, and shifting them can take time.

The good news is that as you get better at it, it becomes more fluid and takes less time.

How do we do it?

First, a clarification. We can think about communication in intimate relationships as consisting of a spectrum:

In this simple diagram, we can see that informal NVC could be indistinguishable from a normal conversation. That’s because connection is happening — which after all is the purpose of NVC.

At the other end of the spectrum we see “formal” NVC, which has certain key differentiations and follows a particular structure and syntax. Formal NVC keeps our communication extra clear, and helps us keep the key differentiations clear in our mind.

The dance of connection refers to the steps we take to move toward connection. A simple mnemonic device is ABABAB, referring to person “A” and person “B.”

Here’s how “the dance of connection” works:

1) Person A speaks with honesty from the heart.

2) Person B reflects back their understanding of what Person A said.

3) Person A confirms they were heard accurately.

4) Person B speaks with honesty from the heart.

5) Person A reflects back their understanding of what Person B said.

6) Person B confirms they were heard accurately.

7) Return to the top, to #1. This process is continued until the two people feel connected and they trust that they are understood by the other. Then they can proceed to brainstorm or propose strategies and/or solutions.

Though somewhat of an oversimplification, this illustrates the process we undergo to allow a conversation to wind deeper and deeper, until there is a high quality of connection out of which people co-create mutually satisfying outcomes.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication Skills in Relationships

There is so much we can learn from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication Skills in relationships.

He knew that intimate relationships are some of the most important relationships — and sometimes some of the most challenging ones.

Dr. Rosenberg explained that if you meet your needs at the expense of another, your needs will also not be met. Anytime you create a win-lose, you also lose — because we are all interconnected, interrelated, and interdependent.

When we coerce others or place demands on them, the quality of the connection suffers.

When we can let go of being right and put our attention on making life more wonderful, then we can create a high quality of connection out of which it’s easy to explore outcomes, solutions, and ways of living that are mutually satisfying.

Content by PuddleDancer Press. Use of content okay with attribution. Please visitwww.nonviolentcommunication.comto learn more about Nonviolent Communication.

The Grief of an Affair (Your partner cheated. Now what? Part 2)

The revelation of a partner’s affair (sexual or emotional) comes as a shock to the hurt partner, even when doubts exist. The loss of trust in a relationship is no different from a physical loss. The closeness of the relationship and the hurt partner’s perception of preventability were identified as predictors of the grieving process’s intensity and duration in a study on human grief by Bugen. The predictors wouldn’t be different in the case of trust loss as well.

The process of grief includes five emotional stages to recovery from loss, as per the Kubler-Ross model. This process is not linear, and the hurt partner can find themselves at any stage throughout varying timelines. The stages of trust loss, applying the grief model to the aftermath of an affair, would be as follows:

DENIAL

The hurt partner struggles to comprehend what happened and is often unaware of the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass betrayal cascade that the betraying partner experienced or is experiencing . The hurt partner tends to minimize the pain of the affair initially and goes through the phase of “something is amiss, and it will be set right.” There is a strong need to confirm with the partner by asking questions in several different ways as they feel that this cannot be happening.

ANGER

The hurt partner starts to piece together the incidents from the past, and the reality gradually emerges. There is apparent anger about the betrayal, hurt for being let down, and sadness about losing the relationship. The anger can be toward oneself for letting this happen, the partner who did this to them, and the liaison who shouldn’t have crossed the boundaries. But then, there is also the fear that the anger may push away the very person they still love. The fear of losing the partner results in suppressing anger, which may erupt abruptly at different points as the entirety of the situation sinks in. There may also be self-doubt about their role in the case, which is overwhelming, given the immense emotional stress already persisting.

BARGAINING

The feelings of confusion, pain, anger, and other emotions seem unbearable and threaten the loss of control. It is a helpless state intensified by powerful emotions and therefore comes a need to regain control. The hurt partner tries to reset the past by exploring different paths, such as “if only I had stopped her that day when I saw her messaging,” “what if the other person had misused the situation and my partner is not at fault,” etc. There is a struggle to heal the pain faster by providing logical explanations and intellectualizing feelings. The hurt partner may try premature closure to postpone experiencing painful emotions.

DEPRESSION 

Here one feels the full impact of losing a trusted relationship. The affair erases everything the hurt partner believed. While the first three stages are more cognitive and solution-oriented, this stage is emotional and experience-oriented. It might involve heaviness and isolation. The hurt partner experiences intense emotions of anger, sadness, and doubts that can feel like there is no more running away. Questions may arise like, “does my partner love me at all?” “I should have given more time and attention before,” “What do I do now?” etc. These questions address the concerns at a deeper level, releasing intense emotions. It is a difficult phase that can feel foggy. Though depression may feel like a comfort zone as the inner conflict lessens, dwelling here indefinitely is unhealthy and would need counseling assistance to move on.

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance comes concerning what happened and what it means in the future. It is not a perfect resolution and permanent closure (with emotions and interpersonal realities) but a transformative stage following a significant change. The hurt partner may start to have thoughts like, “I am aware of what went wrong and can understand the reasons,” “I will be able to forgive and move on,” etc. At this point, the perspective is more on the present moment and future rather than the past. Hope is renewed about the restoration of the relationship. This stage feels different as the outlook towards several aspects of life changes.

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)

Shirley Glass noted that the hurt partner often suffers from a PTSD reaction following an affair’s discovery. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, if the below symptoms persist, then the chances are that the hurt partner is experiencing PTSD. 

1. Recurrent recollections and intrusive visualizations: “Deja vu” events, days, locations, etc., tend to trigger flashbacks of affair specifics. For example, recurring dates of when the hurt partner had found out about the affair trigger memories and related emotions that can induce flooding (stress) and panic attacks.

2. Oscillating moods, confusion, irritability, and outbursts: As the hurt partner struggles between feelings of betrayal and acceptance, there are periods of emotional numbing followed by explosions.

3. Intense emotions of anger, hurt, shame, grief, and frustration: There are ambivalent fears of anger, guilt, self-doubts, etc., that can overwhelm the hurt partner. Empathetic listening goes a long way in healing.

4. Hyper-vigilance and startling: Hurt partners can become startled and vigilant about mundane things like message notifications, phone rings, delay in replies, etc., and may seem to make impossible demands. Compassion and assurance will help.

5. Avoidance, detachment, and seclusion: The overwhelming feelings appear challenging, and isolation may seem like the only option. The betraying partner often misunderstands it as distancing and tends to stay away. It may enhance the feelings of rejection in the hurt partner when what is needed is emotional support.

6. Loss of focus and interest: The depression symptoms of demotivation, loss of interest, lack of energy, irregular sleep, no appetite, low feelings, etc., can persist.

7. Hopelessness about the future: As the world, they know, collapses, there may be hopelessness and helplessness about the relationship.

Although not all partners hurt by an affair will develop PTSD reactions, many will experience grief and depression. Hurt partners may become obsessed with the affair’s details, feel powerless with their emotions, and need therapeutic assistance at such times. It is important to note that these reactions are normal responses and can benefit from couple therapy.

FINAL THOUGHT

An affair shakes everything that the hurt partner believes in their understanding of themselves and the world. Gottman Method Couples Therapy can help a couple learn to atone, attune, and attach as they restore new purpose and meaning together.

Jinashree Rajendrakumar

References:

Bugen, L. A. (1977). Human grief: A model for prediction and intervention. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 47(2), 196–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1939-0025.1977.tb00975.x

Glass, S. (2007). NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017a). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017b). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript,  Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X

Hall, C. (2011). Beyond Kubler-Ross: recent developments in our understanding of grief and bereavement. InPsych: The Bulletin of the Australian Psychological Society Ltd, 33(6), 8.

Holland, K. (2018, September 25). What You Should Know About the Stages of Grief. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief

How Do Affairs Happen? (See the cascade of events that can lead to infidelity) PART 1

WHAT WENT WRONG?

It is hurtful and devastating when an affair shatters a relationship’s trusted stability. It leaves both partners to pick up the pieces before starting all over again, which is painful. One of the questions that plague partners recovering from an affair is “What went wrong?” Even when individuals and relationships are unique, is there a commonality across affairs?

Dr. John Gottman with Dr. Caryl Rusbult and Dr. Shirley Glass explained an affair as a cascade of steps that culminate in a transgression. It all starts with the bid for attention. If it sounds like a simplified excuse for an affair, it is not. When one can’t count on their partner to be available in their time of need, it leads to unfavorable comparisons, emotional distance, and eventual betrayal, if not the demise of love. Based on research, the steps that lead to betrayal (the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass Cascade) are as follows.

TURNING AWAY

Partners can make an emotional bid that is met with turning away or against instead of turning toward. Turning away would include ignoring or being preoccupied with something else while turning against would be a retort or a lash back. When “Would you like to plan for the weekend?” is met with silence or “Can’t you see that I am busy?” the bidding partner feels rejected and hurt. Over time repeated failed bids lead to reiterating the belief that “you are not there for me,” and trust associated with the partner starts to erode gradually. An anticipatory rejection starts to flood (stress) the bidding partner, making them feel vulnerable, insignificant, or unwanted.

NEGATIVITY AND AVOIDANCE

The bidding partner soon enters the negative absorbing state, which is the negative affect from past failed bids building up with every new failed bid. It gets easier to get into the negative state but challenging to exit, resulting in a persistent negative state of mind. Soon unheeded requests turn out to be stressful and pointless arguments. Therefore bidding partner suppresses feelings and needs, leading to avoidance of conflict and self-disclosure.

INVESTING LESS AND COMPARING MORE

When partners favorably evaluate the relationship compared to other alternatives, they are more likely to stay committed to the relationship, as Thibaut and Kelley suggest. Therefore, the unfavorable comparisons propel a relationship towards a lack of commitment and betrayal. The bidding partner starts negatively comparing the partner with a real or imaginary partner who would make them feel cherished. As approaching the partner with an emotional bid is found futile, bidding and investing in the partner reduces, while substituting begins.

FEELING LESS DEPENDENT AND MAKING FEWER SACRIFICES

As Rusbult notes, commitment is a gradual process of making a good comparison level for the relationship within alternatives. Similarly, the opposite process of un-commitment is a gradual process of damaging comparison levels with other options. Commitment leads people to make sacrifices while building interdependency. It also leads to disparaging alternatives in comparison to their partner. As reliability or dependability on the partner lessens, trust reduces. The partner opens up to others and engages in talks (or self-talks) that magnify the relationship’s negative qualities.

TRASHING VS. CHERISHING

As one maximizes the partner’s negative qualities, one also minimizes positive characteristics. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. Dr. Gottman suggests that people committed to their relationship cherish their partner by reminiscing about the positives with gratitude, even when not together. An essential part of a relationship, cherishing and expressing gratitude, is replaced with trash-talking the partner (directly and in front of others).

RESENTMENT AND LONELINESS IN RELATIONSHIP

Gratitude for the partner becomes replaced with bitterness. Resentment seeps in with silent arguments such as feeling the partner is selfish and uncaring. There is loneliness enhanced with unfavorable comparisons like “my ex would have understood me better” or “my colleague is more there for me than my partner.” With loneliness, vulnerability to other relationships increases. The built-up resentment results in low sexual desire and impersonal sex. The refusal to have sex may result in the partner’s blaming, leading to further feelings of rejection, and the affair cascade intensifies.

IDEALIZING ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIPS

There is less dependency on a partner, less reliance on the relationship for meeting essential needs, less investment in the relationship while idealizing alternative relationships, and thinking fewer positive pro-relationship thoughts. Instead, anti-relationship thoughts take over like “maybe we will be better off without each other,” “it may be a relief to let go of the relationship than hold on,” etc. The window between the partners is replaced with a wall, as the window opens up to outsiders. Other harmless liaisons provide the safe house.

SECRETS AND CROSSING BOUNDARIES

Secrets begin with omission. The other patterns such as inconsistencies, lies, confidence violations follow. While in cherishing relationships, interactions with others that hurt the partner are avoided, in denigrating relationships, ties with others are sought to fill the prevailing emotional gaps. As the hiding increases with the partner, there is an active turning toward others, and at a vulnerable moment, boundaries are crossed, and actual betrayal unfolds.

As one partner goes through the cascade of betrayal, the other partner experiences the ground sinking beneath their feet. Trust is broken and, over time, may develop into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Jinashree Rajendrakumar

References:

Gottman, J. (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript,  Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X

Haan-Rietdijk, S. D., Gottman, J. M., Bergeman, C. S., & Hamaker, E. L. (2016). Get Over It! A Multilevel Threshold Autoregressive Model for State-Dependent Affect Regulation. Psychometrika, 81(1), 217–241. doi: 10.1007/S11336-014-9417-X

Hawkins, M. W., Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M. (2002). Marital Sentiment Override: Does It Influence Couples’ Perceptions? Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(1), 193–201. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00193.x