How to Find the Best Therapist in Tampa (or the Best Virtual Online Therapist in Florida) for YOU

Tips for Finding the Best Counselor in Tampa, Florida

If you’re considering therapy — whether it’s to restore a relationship, recover from a trauma, adjust to a new life phase, or improve your mental health — finding the best counselor for you is the first hurdle to cross.

Researchers have found that the bond between you and your therapist is likely to have a big impact on your growth. That’s why it’s important to do your research, ask questions, and pay attention to your own responses in your search for the therapist that’s right for you.

You may do a search by typing in any of the below examples based on your specific needs:

“best therapist Tampa” “best counselor tampa” “best online counselor in Florida” “top rated marriage counselor in Tampa” “best marriage therapist in Tampa” “best online couples counselor in Florida”

How do YOU decide who the best psychotherapist, counselor, or psychologist is for YOU when this is very SUBJECTIVE?

It is important to do your research and trust your gut!

Here are some other tried-and-true methods for finding a therapist to help you reach your therapeutic goals.

1. Consult a provider directory 

If you plan to pay for therapy through your insurance plan, your first step might be to look through your plan’s provider network.

It’s also a good idea to find out whether your plan limits the number of sessions you can attend each year and whether using an out-of-network therapist will affect your out-of-pocket costs.

Insurance Provider Directory, www.Psychologytoday.com , www.therapyden.com , www.goodtherapy.org

2. Ask someone you trust

Ask for a recommendation from a friend, colleague, or doctor you trust to find a therapist who might be a good fit for you.

A referral is a good place to start. it’s important to realize that you may have different needs and goals for your therapy than the person giving you the referral.

So, “the best counselor” for one of you might not be as beneficial to the other.

3. Use reliable national online databases 

There are quite a few mental health organizations that maintain up-to-date, searchable databases of licensed therapists.

Your search could start by ZIP code, city, state, specific specialities, and so on including:

• American Psychological Association

• American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists

• Association of LGBTQ+ Psychiatrists

• Gottman Referral Network

4. Explore local resources

Your community may also have resources for example:

Students (all ages), your school may provide access to a counseling center.

Employees, your human resources team might offer a list of therapists through a workplace or employee assistance program.

Local advocacy organizations are available through 211

5. Reach out to organizations that address your area of concern

If you’re looking for a therapist to help with a specific mental health issue, you might find local therapists through a national association, network, or helpline:

• National Eating Disorders Association

• Anxiety and Depression Association of America

• National Center for PTSD

If your job is a source of stress and anxiety, you might find local therapists through a professional organization.

Many trade unions have resources to assist with mental health needs:  

International Association of Firefighters offers help with mental health, PTSD, and substance abuse.

Resources for people of color

Access to culture-conscious therapists and best practices for your well-being. Here are some resources to consider when looking for a therapist:

• The Yellow Couch Collective, an online support group for Black women

• Therapy for Black Girls

• Black Mental Health Alliance

• The National Asian American Pacific Islander Mental Health Association

• WeRNative

• Nina Pop Mental Health Recovery Fund and Tony McDade Mental Health Recovery Fund, a group that offers therapy sessions to help Black transgender people

• Therapy for Latinx

6. Think about your goals

What do you want to accomplish in therapy? 

Are you looking for a specific treatment approaches?

Your goals may change as you work with a therapist. It’s okay to change the direction of your treatment plan as your needs evolve.

7. Online therapy

Online counseling helps you explore convenient and effective ways to implement therapy in your busy schedule.

8. Ask lots of questions

When you meet your therapist, whether it’s online, on the phone, or in person, ask lots of questions and get a feel for whether a therapist is “the best therapist” for YOU!!

Jot down questions as they come up for you.

The American Psychological Association suggests a few questions for you to consider asking your therapist during your first session:

• Are you a licensed in this state?

• How many years have you been in practice?

• How much experience do you have?

• What do you consider to be your specialty or expertise?

• What kinds of treatments have you found that are effective?

• What insurance do you accept?

• Will I need to pay you directly and then seek reimbursement from my insurance company, or do you bill the insurance company?

• Are you part of my insurance network?

9. Pay close attention to your “gut” to find your “best therapist near me”

No matter how many professional accreditations your therapist has, your own feelings of trust and comfort should be your top priority. Will therapy be uncomfortable from time to time? Possibly. After all, you’ll likely be discussing difficult, personal topics.

But if you feel uncomfortable with your therapist for any other reason, it’s all right to look for someone else.

You don’t need a reason to switch therapists. It’s enough that you don’t feel comfortable.

Here are a few things to notice as you talk with your therapist:

• Does the therapist interrupt you, or do they listen carefully to what you’re saying?

• How does your body feel during a therapy session? Do you feel tense?

• Does the therapist respect your time?

• Does the therapist brush off or invalidate your concerns?

• Do you feel seen, heard, and respected during your session?

The bottom line

Whether you’re coping with grief, trauma, or relationship issues, or want treatment for a mental illness, finding a helpful, and the best therapist for you can make a big difference in your journey.

To find a therapist who’s a good fit, start by considering practical matters like licensure, insurance coverage, location, and specialties.

You may find that friends, colleagues, and your healthcare providers are a good source of referrals. You may also find options by using search tools provided by organizations that address your specific concerns.

When you’ve narrowed down your choices, you may find it helpful to think about your goals and questions, so you can be sure you and your therapist are well matched and aligned on your treatment plan.

Ultimately, finding the “BEST” therapist is a SUBJECTIVE personal matter. Human connection is at the heart of effective therapy, and you can build that sense of connection in person, on the phone, or online.

WISHING YOU THE VERY BEST! If you reach out to me and make an appointment, if for ANY reason, we are not a good fit, I will do my very best to find the “best therapist” for YOU!!!

Liz

Book Appointment

The Gottman Method and The Power of Storytelling

Our stories are critical pieces to understanding and being understood

Dr. Satira Streeter Corbitt

As a Clinical Psychologist who has worked with families for more than 20 years, I was immediately drawn into the Gottman Method because it aligned with my strong belief that our stories are critical pieces to understanding and being understood.

Griots: The storytellers

In African traditions, storytellers were called “Griots,” and they were often the most important people in the village.  They ensured that lessons were learned, history was passed on, and that people were entertained, often because of the connection and interrelatedness that stories can bring.  

The Griot of my family was my Grandma Edna. She was a loving, gregarious woman who raised seven children while serving every week as a Sunday School teacher and church deaconess.  I would sit by her side for hours as she put together jigsaw puzzles and told me stories about her father who was once enslaved, her childhood, and the many eccentric people that made up our family who had long passed on.  

Her stories were peppered with laughter and songs as she reflected on a life of many trials and tribulations mixed with joy and triumph.  These stories shaped my childhood as I listened during our Saturday night press and curl beauty sessions, our Sunday morning walks to church, and our early mornings on the fishing pier.  

Storytelling with the Gottman Method

Forty years ago, around the time that I was listening to my grandmother’s stories as a little girl, Dr. John Gottman was figuring out some stories of his own.  Just as I was curious about my grandmother and all of her adventures, he was curious about relationships and how some broke apart and others stayed together.  It appears that the stories that he heard led him to hear even more stories.

He wanted to encourage couples to tell their stories to each other.  Because of this curiosity—along with the science that stated that sharing in relationship matters—stories became a cornerstone to many of the pivotal exercises that we use to move couples forward in therapy. Stories help them through their difficulties and differences.  These stories take center stage in three interventions.  

Listen and learn

As a trainee, the first Gottman exercise that I learned was the Gottman Rapport.  Now let’s be clear, I did not love this exercise right away. Initially, it was painful watching a partner ask probing questions that were seemingly just answered but required more depth.

You see, in the Gottman Rapport, couples take turns as the speaker and listener. The listener is prompted to ask a question, after question, after question to understand the heart of their partner.  There is no problem solving, no immediately fixing the issue, no arguing your point, no persuasion. They can only use just questions—questions to open the heart.

How did that make you feel?

When have you felt that way before?

Tell me a story about that.

The Gottmans tell us that a big part of listening is witnessing and being present for your partner so that your partner doesn’t feel so alone.  This process can be started through a good storytelling session where you listen and learn. The understanding that I see manifested following this exercise quickly turned my uncomfortableness to complete appreciation of the time we spend going deeper into each individual’s world.  

Telling your dreams

In the “Dreams Within Conflict” intervention, we delve into even more storytelling, but this time to work through a gridlocked or perpetual problem.  We have a dreamer and a dream catcher. Once again the speaker is encouraged to tell their story about their dream and its source so that the dream catcher can understand where their partner’s dream comes from and what it symbolizes.  The listener asks more questions, but with a goal of making their partner feel safe enough to share their story.  These stories are used to strengthen the friendship and understand the meaning of their partner’s dream with no judgment and no arguing a point of view. Understanding and connecting dreams is truly a hallmark of a healthy relationship. 

Storytelling in conversation

Lastly, we explore stories once again in the Stress-Reducing Conversation.  These stories are extremely important because, as Drs. John and Julie share in their workshops, of all of the exercises that we use, regular implementation of this conversation has been found to be the most enduring, long utilized intervention that we teach. 

The Stress-Reducing Conversation can help couples shield their relationship from the outside stressors of work, society, and extended family so that they can be more available to focus on their family and home life.  In this exercise, each partner makes space for 15 to 20 minutes of what…..yes, of stories.  Stories about their day including frustrations, irritations, ups, and downs. They are stories that bring about connection and understanding of their lives apart from each other.  The listener renders no judgment, advice, never sides with the enemy, and doesn’t try to problem-solve.  They just provide a listening ear full of empathy, support, and validation. 

This daily exercise strengthens the relationship by providing a connection, insight, and a safe space just to vent and process the events of the day.  Couples repeatedly report that knowing that their partner is there for them, having their back is a relationship strengthener.  

So there you have it, whether you consider yourself a world-class griot or someone that has great fish tales, learning to tell your true, authentic story and learning to deeply listen to the stories of your partner is the root of understanding, compromising, managing conflict, healing, and strengthening both your love and your friendship. 

Empathy Instead of Opinion

🥰 empathy brain 🧠💗

Voice Dialogue

Voice Dialogue is the main intervention used in a modality called the Psychology of the Selves developed by psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone, who had such diverse influences as Jung, Skinner, Kazantzakis and Hermann Hesse. Their theory suggests that various parts of self coexist within each of us and determine our thoughts, behaviors and relationships with others.

Each of us "contains multitudes". We are made up of many selves, identifying with some and rejecting others. This over-identification with some selves and the loss of wholeness that comes from the rejection of others, can create imbalances and blind spots. This work is about embracing all the selves. This dance of the selves is an amazing process and we see the dynamics of the world around us shift as our internal world changes.

Rather than making choices based on a given criteria (the most rational, what feels right, what other people want, etc.), Voice Dialogue encourages a discussion between the parts of self at odds with one another. The understanding and expression of these selves helps us increase our self-awareness and even function better within a relationship. Although it does turn a couple into a group rather quickly.

1. When would a clinician use Voice Dialogue?

When there is a sense that the client has a feeling that he or she has different selves or parts.  For example, let us say that John goes to a party that he doesn't really feel like going to.  Once there he has a few drinks and soon he is the life of the party.  In the middle of the night when he awakens he is a bit depressed. In his session he may say something like:  "I don't understand how I get into these things.  I really didn't feeling like going and again it is as if something just takes over and there I am again doing something I don't really feel like doing."  In a situation like this Voice Dialogue could be a very effective intervention.

2. What does it look like?

The therapist might say: "It really does sound like there are two very different ways of being or value systems that are operating in you.  There is you the party person, the more extraverted self who generally needs some alcohol or drug to get him going.  On the other side is a more introverted part of you trying to come out and be heard but he seems to have less authority than the other one.  How would you feel about my talking to these two feelings or ways of being in the world to see if this might help clarify some of the conflict that you are describing?"

The therapist starts always with the self that is the more primary, that leads his life in the world.  For this the client actually moves over physically to a different position and the conversation or interview begins.  When finished John would go back to the center for a discussion of the work so far.  In this, or the next session, the therapist might have a conversation with the less developed, often totally disowned self.

3. How does it help the client?

It helps the client in three ways.  First he gets to hear in a very objective way what these different "voices" or selves have to say, what they want and need, how they developed -- the family forces that shaped them. Just knowing that the voices are real can be a total revelation.  A woman might say that she can't stand looking in the mirror in the morning. To discover that she has a voice in her, the Inner Critic, that embodies all of her self criticism can initiate a major shift in her life.  

Secondly, the therapist helps to develop a new place between the opposites, a place that can help the client hold the introversion with one hand and the extraversion with the other.  It is a new "center" of personality that we call the Aware Ego.  It is this Aware Ego Process that can learn to embrace the vast system of opposites that live within each of us.  

The third advantage is that from this Aware Ego Process the client is in a better position to make conscious choices.  A conscious choice is one that honors both sides of the conflict no matter which choice is actually made.

4. In your opinion what makes Voice Dialogue a cool intervention?

First of all it is way of working that is fun and alive and brings in all kinds of different thoughts, feelings and emotions.  It is impossible as a therapist to be bored or tired doing this work.  It the therapist gets tired or bored it is because he or she has fallen into a pattern of being overly responsible or overly mental or some primary self that limits possibilities of enjoying the work.  

Secondly there is the constant excitement of new discovery.  Discovering and separating from a primary self is like waking up from a dream and discovering whole new worlds of possibility.  

Thirdly, what you judge in the world are generally expressions of selves in you that have been shut down or rejected over time.  What a ride it is and how relationships do change as you begin to learn how to catch hold of these judgments.  

Fourthly, how different it is to learn how to allow your own vulnerability to live in the world of relationship.  So many people look for more meaning in their lives. Learning how to use vulnerability in a conscious way is really the royal highway to a more deeply felt and experienced life.

The Empty Chair

The term gestalt refers to a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. Gestalt therapy, formulated by Fritz Perls (1893-1970) is based on the idea of a whole being as connected with their environment, loved ones and memories. Therapy works toward creating full awareness of the here and now, both within the client and between client and therapist. The empty chair is one of many interactive techniques used to help engage the client's feelings, thoughts and behaviors.

The ol' empty chair has had quite a tongue-lashing over the years. Clients have given a piece of their mind to innumerable spouses, bosses, best friends and dead relatives thanks to this simple tool. But the chair is none the worse for wear, and millions of people have a greater understanding of feelings and communication as a result.  

1. When would a clinician use the empty chair technique?

The empty chair technique is characteristic of some styles of gestalt therapy. It is often effective at facilitating clients' integration of different aspects or "disowned parts" of their personality in order to further psychotherapeutic insight. It is one of a variety of interventions that help people move from talking about something towards the fullness of immediate, present experience - sensation, affect, cognition, movement. The less people are "in touch," or "verbalizing," or abstractly thinking, the more likely therapists are to use this as an expressive technique. It is not used for clients whose emotionality is already dramatic and who may be already subject to emotional "flooding."

2. What does it look like?

As first popularized by Fritz Perls, one of the founders of gestalt therapy, an empty chair faced the client. The client imagined someone (or himself, herself, or parts of him or herself) in it, and spoke, gestured, or otherwise communicated to the "empty chair," which was now not so empty. The client then sat in the chair, continuing the conversation, this time reversing roles. Variations of the "empty chair" developed over the decades in order to fit the clinical needs of the situation - and as gestalt therapy evolved. The client might participate in this technique without the "prop" of an actual empty chair. Importantly, the technique today always includes attention to the relational dynamic between the client and the psychotherapist.

3. How does it help the client?

This technique often brings clients into present or immediate experiences. Abstractions or verbalizations become enlivened moments. Clients may be able to experience different aspects of their own conflicts in a new manner through empty-chair dialogue. Gestalt therapy is more than a collection of techniques, despite the notoriety of the empty chair. This technique is one of the many interventions within gestalt therapy, all with the common purpose of facilitating discovery and psychotherapeutic insight.

4. In your opinion, what makes the empty chair a cool intervention?

Any intervention that challenges the passivity of the clinician and turns psychotherapy into a creative collaboration is a cool technique. Further, if the empty chair is a new approach to the clients, it offers a new perspective on the therapy process.

The Miracle Question!

The Miracle Question – an old standby for many different types of therapy! This question can be used in individual therapy as well as couples therapy, and it can be applied to a wide range of situations, issues, or problems.

The general idea of this technique is to both help the client (or couple) explicate their needs or desires and help the therapist better understand what his or her client(s) is hoping to achieve in therapy. It is especially helpful for those who have never really taken the time to clarify what they want out of their relationship, either for themselves or for their partners.

This question can generally be worded as such (Howes, 2010):

“Suppose tonight, while you slept, a miracle occurred. When you awake tomorrow, what would be some of the things you would notice that would tell you life had suddenly gotten better?”

Even if one or both clients give describe a scenario that is absolutely impossible to achieve, their answer can still be useful for understanding their goals. In the scenario of an impossible ideal future state, the therapist can dig deeper into the couple’s “miracle” by asking, “How would that make a difference?” (Howes, 2010).

This question helps the couple believe in a more positive future for themselves, a future in which their problems are solved. This exercise can result in greater motivation to work at improving their relationship, enhanced confidence in the efficacy of couples therapy, and even instantaneous (but incremental) improvement in interactions between the two people.

Solution Focused Therapy (aka Brief Therapy) emerged in the 1980's as a branch of the systems therapies. A married therapist couple from Milwaukee, Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg, are credited with the name and basic practice of SFT. The theory focuses not on the past, but on what the client wants to achieve today. By making conscious all the ways the client is creating their ideal future and encouraging forward progress, clinicians point clients toward their goals rather than the problems that drove them to therapy. 

The Miracle Question fits perfectly with this model. Imagining an ideal future and connecting it to the present immediately actualizes the work. Clients are challenged to look past their obstacles and hopelessness and focus on the possibilities.

It's cool because it's a relatively simple intervention that can have a powerful impact. Just take a look at the question (response #2). You're probably crafting your response already. It's creative, bold, healing, a bit mysterious and definitely has a cool name. The Top Ten designation is well deserved. 

Don't just listen to me, hear it from an expert. Linda Metcalf, Ph.D. is founder of the Solution Focused Institute of Fort Worth, Texas and author of ten books including The Miracle Question: Answer It and Change Your Life. Beyond writing and therapy, she speaks internationally to schools, agencies and universities. She was kind enough to share her wisdom with us today. 

1. When would a clinician use the Miracle Question?

The Miracle Question is a goal setting question that is useful when a client simply does not know what a preferred future would look like. It can be used with individuals to set the course for therapy, with couples, to clarify what each person needs from each other and with families, who too often see one person as the culprit. By using the Miracle Question and asking each person what a better life would look like, it is apparent, perhaps for the first time, what others need from each other.

2. What does it look like?

"Suppose tonight, while you slept, a miracle occurred. When you awake tomorrow, what would be some of the things you would notice that would tell you life had suddenly gotten better?"

The therapist stays with the question even if the client describes an "impossible" solution, such as a deceased person being alive, and acknowledges that wish and then asks "how would that make a difference in your life?"  Then as the client describes that he/she might feel as if they have their companion back again, the therapist asks "how would that make a difference?"  With that, the client may say, "I would have someone to confide in and support me."  From there, the therapist would ask the client to think of others in the client's life who could begin to be a confidant in a very small manner.

3. How does it help the client?

It catapults the client from a problem saturated context into a visionary context where he/she has a moment of freedom, to step out of the problem story and into a story where they are more problem free. But, more importantly, it helps the therapist to know exactly what the client wants from therapy...and this is what makes Solution Focused Therapy so efficient and brief.

4. In your opinion, what makes the Miracle Question a cool intervention?

It helps the therapist see where the client wants to go. Too often, therapists assume that a client needs to grieve, leave their spouse, quit their job, after the client describes why he/she has come to therapy. The Miracle Question helps the client and therapist to address exactly what the client wants, not what the therapist thinks is best.

Listening Accurately Worksheet

Non Violent Communication and Listening Accurately. Let’s listen to understand, instead of listening to change the way the other person feels.

4 Tips to Have a Great Date

I hear these comments fairly often in my practice:  “I’m not good at dating,” “I never know what to say” or “I can’t get past a 2nd or third date.” I also hear from my couples that their date nights are “boring” or “lacking connection.” Dating isn’t so much about what you say, but more about how you listen. Like Dale Carnegie wrote about in his classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, focus on being interested, not interesting. Although this advice was more about being a good salesmen, it can be applied to any relationship you have in your life. Everyone genuinely wants to feel understood and appreciated and nothing makes a person feel more understood than sincerely listening to him or her. If you keep this in mind, it can take some of the pressure off of you to feel like you need to have a bunch of interesting things going on in your life to share with the other person.

Based on John Gottman’s decades of observing people, here are 4 tips on how to have a great date, whether it’s a first date, 10th date, or a date with the spouse you’ve been with for 10 years!

Tip #1 Ask open-ended questions

There is a fine balance between asking a question that is too open such as “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” People tend to give one word responses to those questions, possibly because they aren’t sure you want to know the full answer. Instead ask questions that are still open but more directed, such as “How has your summer been going? Have any plans for vacations?” It might be a good idea to ask questions about goals or visions of the future.  This will allow you to get to know the person’s aspirations and dreams. Be careful to watch your audience and gage if your questions are uncomfortable for the person and find the right level of disclosure.

“How’s your summer going? Have any vacation plans?”

“If you could have a job in another field, what type of job would you want to have?”

Tip #2 Listen to the person’s answers and find commonalities

As you ask open-ended questions, listen to the person’s answers and share something you have in common with what they are saying. People are more attracted to people who can relate to them and to those people with whom they share common ground. After you share a bit about yourself put the conversation back to them. Share enough to establish commonality and then ask a follow-up question to what they said earlier.

“Oh, you’re a teacher? My roommate is a teacher. He’s getting pretty stressed thinking about this upcoming school year. What do you do to prepare for the beginning of the school year? Maybe I could give him some tips from you.”

If your date had said he or she had returned from a vacation in California, a follow-up might be: “I love California, it’s such a diverse state, something for everyone! When I went there a few years ago we saw the Redwoods, I remember they were so tall and majestic. What did you see when you went there?”

Tip #3 Paraphrase what the person said and show non-verbally that you are listening

If you paraphrase what the person said, it shows them that you are listening. This is also helpful when asking questions or when mentioning a commonality.

“You seem to really love your job! How did you know you wanted to be a veterinarian?”

“You used to live in Lincoln Square? I love that neighborhood and spend a lot of time there! Have any gotta-go to places?”

Another helpful thing to do that shows people you are listening is to nod briefly or respond with a verbal cue “uh huh, yeah?, hmm.”

Tip #4 Let go of your own agenda

Try not to focus so much on the outcome of the conversation. It’s hard to focus on listening when you are trying to come up with your next interesting question to ask the person. Instead, focus on what the other person is saying in that moment and ask follow-up questions to further your understanding of what they are saying. Look for those emotional cues where you can empathize with what they are saying.

Above all, just listen to the other person with your full attention. Your ability to draw people out with a general curiosity about them will go further than if you were the most interesting person in the world.

How is The Gottman Method different from other types of couples therapy?

Infographic based on Gottman’s research

Infographic based off on Gottman’s research

• Researched-Based

• Dyadic and allows couples to apply skills during session in order to modify arguments so that they are more productive outside of session.

• Designed to increase admiration for one another and enhance friendship—providing partners with the mutual understanding and skills that will serve them long after therapy is complete.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy

What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute, Gottman Method Couples Therapy is a research-based approach to strengthening relationships.

Dr. John Gottman has been studying relationships for decades, gaining insight about what makes relationships last. Over 3,000 couples participated in long-term research studies, which led to the development of one of the leading methods of couples therapy.

What are the goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

-To increase respect, affection and closeness,
-Break through and resolve conflict when partners feel stuck,
-Generate greater understanding between partners,
-And keep conflict discussions calm.

How do we accomplish this?

Drs. Gottman developed “The Sound Relationship House” which includes the 9 components of a healthy relationship. A therapist who is trained in The Gottman Method can keep your therapeutic work on track by including activities in session which help your relationship in these areas:

1. Build Love Maps (or how well you know your partner’s inner world).

2. Share Fondness and Admiration (the antidotes to contempt).

3. Turn Towards (small moments of relationship bonding).

4. The Positive Perspective (maintain positive view of your partner even in times of conflict).

5. Manage Conflict (how to manage conflict even when there isn’t a clear resolution).

6. Make Life Dreams Come True (encourage the couple to share honestly about hopes, values and aspirations).

7. Create Shared Meaning (understand the important stories and dreams for your relationship).

8. Trust (creating a secure feeling in the relationship).

9. Commitment (believing and acting as committed life partners).

As a relationship therapist in Tampa, Florida

I’ve had the privilege of training with the Gottmans  and have completed Gottman Method Couples Therapy Levels I and II. Depending on your needs, I blend Gottman Method, NVC Communication and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)  to give your relationship the best chance of success!

Make an appointment: www.SouthTampaCounselor.com/BookAppointment

Six Hours to a Better Relationship

Minor shifts in the way you interact with your partner can have a major impact on your relationship. The research of Drs John and Julie Gottman has uncovered some clear patterns of couples who's relationship improved over time compared to those who did not. These successful couples simply devoted a few minutes a day to connect with their partner and to maintain a positive relationship. That's it. Not some dramatic relationship overhaul, but rather small efforts throughout the week that took only minutes at a time, accumulating to 6 hours total. Test it out for yourself.

Top Rated Marriage Counselor In Tampa

I am honored to be among the top 3 rated marriage counselors in Tampa!

Thank you so very much for this recognition. I love what I do!

Feeling Honored and Passionate About Helping Couples & Families! ~Liz

Building Love Maps

THE RESEARCH

Dr. John Gottman has spent over 40 years studying marital stability through direct scientific observations of more than 3,000 couples. His research has provided him with valuable in- sight into what makes relationships succeed and fail. In fact, after sitting down with a couple for as little as 15 minutes, he can predict whether or not that couple will divorce with over 90% accuracy!

Together with his wife Dr. Julie Gottman, Dr. John Gottman developed the Sound RelationshipHouse Theory of successful relationships based on his breakthrough research findings. He considers this to be more rewarding than his divorce prediction model because it provides couples with scientifically proven tools to strengthen and divorce-proof their marriage.

BUILDING LOVE MAPS

Do you know what kind of salad dressing your partner likes? Do you know what their biggest stressor is right now? Is religion important to them? What are some of their deepest fears?

These are examples of details you may or may not know about your partner, and they restored in what Dr. Gottman calls your Love Maps. Enhancing your Love Maps is the first level of the Sound Relationship House, and Dr. Gottman uses this term to describe the part of your brain where you keep all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Emotionally intelligent couples remember all the major events in each other’s history, and continuously update their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s would change.

Knowing your partner not only deepens your bond, but also prepares you better for stressful events and conflict. In one study, Dr. Gottman found that after the birth of the first baby,67% of couples experiences a decline in marital satisfaction, while the other 33% did not experience this decline. In fact, half of these couples saw an improvement in their marriage.

What caused the difference in satisfaction between these two groups? Love Maps. The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had a deep understanding of each other’s worlds. The couples who didn’t start off with a deep knowledge about each other were thrown off course when they faced a dramatic shift in their lives.

Detailed Love Maps protected couples in the wake of this dramatic upheaval. Because husband and wife were already in the habit of keeping up to date and were intently aware of what each other was feeling and thinking, their marriage remained stable. But if couple don’t start off with a deep knowledge and understanding of each other, it’s easy for a marriage to lose its way when lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.

Having a baby is just one life event that can cause couples to fall apart if they don’t have a detailed Love Map. Any major change - such as the loss of a job, an illness, or retirement - can have the same effect on your relationship. This is why it’s crucial to keep up to date on your partner’s Love Map. The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to stay connected when life swirls around you.

WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS?

Enhancing your Love Maps is really just about building your friendship on an intimate level.Research shows that the determining factor in whether wives and husbands feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So get to know each other! Ask your partner about their day and remember the little things about them. In times of conflict and despair, it will be your intimate friendship that strengthens your relationship.

THE LOVE MAPS 20 QUESTIONS GAME

Now that you understand the importance of building Love Maps, and have assessed the quality of you and your partner’s current Love Maps, play a fun, light-hearted game with your partner. The more you play, the more you’ll learn about the Love Maps concept and how to apply it to your relationship.

Step 1: Both you and your partner take a piece of paper, and with a pen, write down twenty number between 1 and 60.

Step 2: On the next page is a list of numbered questions. Beginning with the top of your column, match the numbers you chose with the corresponding question. Each of you should ask your partner this question. If your spouse answers correctly (you be the judge), he or she receives a point. If your partner responds incorrectly, neither of you receives any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the higher score after you’ve both answer all twenty questions.

Play this game as frequently as you’d like. The more you play, the more you’ll come to understand the concept of a Love Map and the kind of information yours should include about your spouse.

1. Name two of my closest friends (2)
2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)
3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)

4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)
5. Where was I born? (1)
6. What stresses am I facing right now? (4)
7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)

8. When is my birthday? (1)
9. What is the date of our anniversary? (1) 

10. Who is my favorite relative? (2)
11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5) 

12. What is my favorite website? (2)
13. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)
14. What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking? (3)
15. What makes me feel most competent? (4)
16. What turns me on sexually? (3)
17. What is my favorite meal? (2)
18. What is my favorite way to spend an evening? (2) 

19. What is my favorite color? (1)
20. What personal improvements do I want to the least? (3)

21. What kind of present would I like best? (2) 

22. What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)
23. What was my favorite vacation? (2)
24. What is one of my favorite ways to relax? (4) 

25. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)

30. What is my favorite movie? (2)

31. What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them? (4) 

32. What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)
33. Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)
34. What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)
35. Name one of my major rivals or enemies. (3) 

36. What would I consider my dream job? (4)
37. What do I fear the most? (4)
38. Who is my least favorite relative? (3)
39. What is my favorite holiday? (2)
40. What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3) 

41. What is my favorite TV show? (2)
42. Which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)
43. What am I most sad about? (4)
44. Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)
45. What medical problems do I worry about? (2) 

46. What was my most embarrassing moment? (3) 

47. What was my worst childhood experience? (3) 

48. Name two people I most admire. (4)
49. Name my favorite ice cream flavor. (2)
50. Of all the people we both know, who do I like
51. What is one of my favorite desserts? (2) 

52. What is my social security number? (2)
53. Name one of my novels. (2)
54. What is my favorite restaurant? (2)
55. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, make in my life? (4)
56. Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? (4) 

57. What foods do I hate? (2)
58. What is my favorite animal? (2)
59. What is my favorite song? (2)
60. Which sports teams is my favorite? (2)

ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

Now that you understand the concept of Love Maps, we will provide you with a list of open-ended questions to ask your partner. These are questions that can’t be answered with a quick “yes” or “no.” You and your partner will take turns being the speaker and the listener. After your partner answers your question, follow up with an open-ended question of your own, then answer the original question you asked your partner. Then your partner asks you an open-ended question, and so on. These questions take longer to answer, so you don’t have to answer all of them in one sitting. This will be an enlightening way to build your love maps over time.

1. How would you like your life to be different three years from now?

2. Do you see your work changing in the future? How?

3. What is your opinion of your physical home? Would you make changes if you could?
4. How do you think your life would be different if lived a hundred years ago?

5. How would you compare yourself as a mother (father) to your mother (father)?

6. What kind of person do you think our child(ten) will become? Any fears? Hopes?

7. How are you feeling about your jobs these days?

8. If you could redo a five-year periods of your life, which would you choose?

9. How are you feeling right now about being a parent?

10. If you could change one thing in your past, what would it be?

11. What is the most exciting thing happening in your life right now?

16. What were the best and worst things that happened to you when you were a teen?

17. If you could live in another time in history, when would you choose and why?

18. If you could choose a different career or vocation, shat would it be, and why?

19. What is the one thing you would most lie to change about your personality? Why?

20. Do you feel like certain things are missing from your life? What are they?

21. Do you think you’ve changed in the last year? How so?

22. If you could design the perfect home for us, what would it be like?

23. If you could live another person’s life, whose would you choose?

24. Have any of your life goals recently changed?

25. What are some of you life dreams now?

26. What are your goals for us as family?

27. What goals do you have just for yourself right now?

All of the above questions will help you develop greater personal insight and a more de- tailed map of each other’s life and world. Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self with your partner is an ongoing process. In fact, it’s a lifelong process. So think of questions to ask your partner; the key to sustaining a happy marriage is to periodically ask what’s going on in their life.

For all of their power, Love Maps are only a first step. Happily married couples don’t “just”know each other. They build on and enhance this knowledge in many important ways. There are six other levels of the Sound Relationship House that are key to a happy relationship, including nurturing fondness and admiration, turning towards each other, letting your partner influence you, solving your solvable problems, overcoming gridlock, and creating shared meaning. 

Turning Toward vs Turning Away vs Turning Against

Turning Towards Instead of Away

Let’s say your eccentric uncle Kevin gives you $10,000 on your wedding day. The only catch is that you have to invest it for six years with one of two firms that Kevin suggests. Firm A is well respected on Wall Street for both its ethics and its returns, and most clients are very happy even with sometimes modest gains. Firm B guarantees they’ll squander your money and blame you for it. Which one would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, you get a diagnosis of a rare blood disease that usually kills its victims within six years. Your wacky aunt Cathy had that same disease and she knows of the only two doctors in the world that work with it. One doctor is actively doing research, testing new treatments, and curing patients with great success. The other is a drunk. Which doctor would you choose?

Or let’s say that on your wedding day, the universe starts a giant egg timer set for six years. When the egg timer goes off, you’ll either be divorced or you won’t. You’ve heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but Kevin and Cathy know some tips that can increase your odds of making it. More importantly, they know of a single strategy that would virtually guarantee that you would divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know it?

Of course you would. You would invest with Firm A. You would choose the sober doctor. And you will do whatever it takes to ensure that you protected yourself from divorce. As it turns out, your aunt and uncle are onto something: there really is a secret.

As part of his research, Dr. Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing — the third level of the Sound Relationship House, Turn Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards.

I think this is a pretty incredible piece of data. It suggests that there is something you can today that will dramatically change the course of your relationship. More importantly, it suggests that there is something that you can not do that will lead to its demise. So, how do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.

Bids can get tricky, however, and admittedly I sometimes miss more bids than I don’t. Indeed many men struggle in this regard, so it’s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer – the true meaning behind the words. Call it the the difference between text and subtext. A few examples to get your brain going:

How do I look?Can I have your attention?

Let’s put the kids to bed.Can I have your help?

I talked to my sister today.Will you chat with me?

Did I tell you the one about…?Will you enjoy me?

Want to cuddle?Can I have your affection?

Want to play Cribbage?Will you play with me?

I had a terrible lunch meeting today.Will you help me destress?

To “miss” a bid is to “turn away.” Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else.

It is important that you learn to recognize bids and that you commit to making them to one another. Make the word “bids” part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It’s okay to say, “I’m making a bid for attention now” as you get to know each other in this early phase of your relationship. You can also practice discerning subtext together. Pick a show that is new to you both and watch it on mute. See if you can interpret the bids that the characters are making based only on non-verbals. Once you start to get intentional about your bids, you can concentrate on “turning towards.”

Turning towards starts with paying attention. Your work on bids will come in handy here. Simply recognizing that a bid has been made opens the door to response. If you’ve really been paying attention, you’ll respond to both the text and the subtext. As bids get more complicated, so will the nature of turning toward. For now, start simple. Take an inventory of the bids and turning in your relationship and share your responses with one another.

• What do I know about how I make bids?

• Could or should I get better at making bids? How?

• How good am I at recognizing the difference between text and subtext?

• What keeps me from making bids?

• What is my impulse for turning?

• Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?

• When it comes to turning towards, am I closer to 33% or 86%?

• What does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me?

• How can I get better at turning towards?

As you continue moving through life together, you will undoubtedly have to risk heading into more vulnerable territory. This will be easier if you’ve committed to building a solid friendship based on Building Love Maps, Sharing Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away. Your eccentric uncle Kevin and wacky aunt Cathy would be proud.

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

What "Turning Against' Really Means 

In our post on Monday, we discussed Dr. Gottman’s findings on the deeply destructive nature of “turning against” your partner’s bids. “Turning against” or “away” describes the behaviors in your interactions between you and your partner that, upon accumulation, categorically spell disaster for your relationship. Today, we would like to part the storm clouds a bit by offering you findings from Dr. Gottman’s research about the true causes of much of the behavior we described on Monday – the real reasons for which your partner may “turn against” you, lash out unexpectedly, or say things that they don’t really mean. We share this information with you in hopes that it will help you to learn the ways in which you can manage conflict constructively. We would like, in short, to offer you help in coping with the most trying interactions in your relationship.  

The first step in building the skills that Dr. Gottman teaches in his marital therapy is understanding – answering the question that may come up when such interactions unexpectedly throw themselves into your life – when your partner snaps at you out of nowhere. Dr. Gottman has discovered that there is an enormous difference between what you think your partner is saying when they “turn against” your bids and what their behavior’s cause usually is! Here is what Dr. Gottman has found “turning against”  says and what it actually means.

“Turning Against” Says:

• Your need for attention makes me angry.

• I feel hostile towards you.

• I don’t respect you.

• I don’t value you or this relationship.

• I want to hurt you.

• I want to drive you away.

“Turning Against” Usually Means: In a direct quote from Dr. Gottman himself, “Unlike ‘turning away’ responses, ‘turning against’ has a bite to it. It’s hard to hear such responses without thinking, ‘That’s mean’ or ‘That was uncalled for.’ Still, I doubt that most people who turn against their loved ones really intend to cause as much harm to their relationships as they do in these exchanges. Rather, they may simply have developed a personal style of relating that’s characteristically crabby or irritable.” Dr. Gottman’s research has revealed that such prickliness is often “the result of many factors, such as having too many demands on your time, not having enough peace of mind, or the lack of a satisfying purpose or direction for your life. Often it’s a spillover of self-criticism that has its origins in the distant past. The problem may also be biologically based irritability that is chemically related to depression.”

Whatever the source may be of your partner’s choice to “turn against” your bids for attention, affection, or support, it still hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a LOT. The build up of ignored bids can end up causing long-term problems in relationships. When your partner habitually responds to you by “turning against” your bids for connection, you feel that you can’t ask them for support and the two of you may drift apart entirely, because it feels impossible to sustain your relationship. Again, we have to stress: You are not alone! Hopefully understanding that the underlying causes for your partner’s behavior are rarely as malicious as they may feel, that what they say and what they mean are usually oceans apart, can help you to take these sudden attacks less personally. 

Of course, these words offer sparse comfort on their own – to understand is only the first step in the journey towards moving away from dangerous patterns of interaction. But it is a necessary first step. We will take you through the next steps (applying this new knowledge) in the next few weeks on The Gottman Relationship Blog. For more details, make sure to find a copy of Dr. Gottman’s bestselling books in a bookstore near you: The Relationship Cure, Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, and of course, his new book, What Makes Love Last!

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-turning-against-really-means/

The Art of Comprise and Core Needs

Core Needs Exercise

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” -Stephen Covey

 What is a Core Need?

A core need is something that you need to feel like yourself in any situation. When a core need is met you are able to be more present to what is actually happening, rather than being over-focused or desperate about that need. The desperation can be a symptom or a signal that a core need is not being met, and your mind is trying to address it by giving it your mental/emotional attention. 

Consider, for example, that you are taking a long hike in the hills and after a few miles you reach for your water bottle and it isn’t where you thought you put it. Your mind will be driven to search for it, because on this hike adequate hydration is a core need. If you can’t find the water bottle and the sun is bearing down on you, then most of your actions are going to be focused on getting that water to meet that core hydration need. It is going to bug you, compel you and drive you until you can address the water issue. Once the water core need is met, you will be able to continue the hike and be more present to the fuller experience of your surroundings.

Here is another example: You work hard all day with mental problems and when you arrive home, your head is still mulling over those problems. There is an argument with family members soon after you arrive home. When you step back and look at what is actually happening, you discover your head is still in work mode from the day while you are trying to connect with your family members. 

Therefore, you might have the core need of “transition time". To address that core need, one option might be a 30 minute buffer time to change clothes, acclimate to being home, and allow your head to power down from the flow of mental problem-solving.

Let us say you don’t get that buffer and you put yourself in the middle of the family. Most likely you will be pulled inside in two different directions: trying to disconnect mentally and emotionally from the work of the day and trying to connect in the present moment with the family. This often results in feelings of frustration and fights about things that usually are not stressful, because you are torn inside with competing interests. A 30-minute buffer and transition time--especially if the family understands your need and it makes sense to them--would make it more possible for you to “feel like yourself” at home and be more present to what is actually occurring there.

As you can see, core needs are by their nature inflexible: you NEED the water and you NEED your transition time or you will be hurting yourself physically and/or emotionally. 

So in working things out with others, it is best not to compromise a core need. You function best from where you are flexible. You may find that as you discuss the issue of work/home transitions with your family, that they each have a core need to be “greeted” when you arrive home. Since you would know you are going to get your transition time, you might be flexible to delay it a few minutes so you could check in on each member and say hello. If there is an agreement about your transition time—your family knows you need your 30 minutes and they are aware of the benefit when you have that time--they could encourage you and support you in taking that time after the greeting. Everybody wins with these agreements, and compromise does not sacrifice any core needs.

NOTE: Core Needs are more possible to identify when you are applying this process to an actual situation, such as: when I get home in the afternoon from work I need a transition time, rather than a generalized core need say, to get “respect.” It is more effective to explore the core need of “ respect” IN the situation of when you arrive home from work. Be as specific about a circumstance as possible and avoid generalizations and “always” and “never” narratives. 

____________________________________

This is the format for discovering core needs and flexible needs for each person in a relationship or just for your own insight into yourself.

Note:

• COMPROMISE happens in the FLEXIBLE NEEDS area of the circle. NOTE that there is a much larger circle for FLEXIBLE NEEDS than the CORE NEEDS. It is important to work to get the core needs circle as clear and accurate as possible.  CORE NEEDS content will be smaller than the flexible needs.  However, it may FEEL larger when trying to trick or convince someone to be flexible with a CORE NEED. This will create attention to the smaller circle and create a gridlock. 

• Understanding and discovery happens in the core needs. Not compromise. These are non-flexible. And if they are flexible and that is ok, then they are still important to you but are not core needs but flexible.

• Sometimes you think something is a core need and you may find upon discussion it is actually flexible. Sometimes you find a flexible need might be core as you get insight. Allow continuing understanding to happen as you work with this.

 It is often best to start learning this exercise using a very focused issue such as “where do we go on vacation’ or “what movie do we want to watch this weekend together.”  You can choose “our marriage,” as a focus but know that this is a broader focus and might need to be broken down into areas of the marriage such as ‘friendship” or “parent” and "sexuality" "affection" and other areas. It is ok to choose“the marriage” as the focus, just know that if you get bogged down to bring the target focus into a more specific topic about “the marriage.” Then this can be done with many conversations instead of one big one. Marriage is actually one life-long conversation.

Once you each have completed your two lists, set a time aside to each have a turn where you listen to your partner's circles, and only ask questions for your understanding THEIR point of view. Once both have had a turn WITHOUT criticism or commentary, THEN, move into a discussion and how a negotiation and agreements can be made with the flexible/adaptive areas.  This is to be done while valuing and protecting your partners core needs: the non-flexible areas. It is often amazing how many new options open up when a couple stops trying to change their own or their partner's core needs on an issue, and move to a discussion of the flexible areas.  Happy couples do more than that. They PROTECT and ADVOCATE for their partner's core needs. 

Use the GETTING TO YES questions A a guide to help come to a negotiated agreement regarding the issue or focus at hand:

Remember the principles of the Sound Relationship House below, especially avoiding the Four Horsemen! There are more instructive articles on the CORE NEEDS EXERCISE below.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”

"More than one thing can be true at the same time."

"There is nothing wrong with you, life it just far harder than you ever expected.

Yield to Win: Compromise like I am someone you love. The art of compromise exercise. Discuss the questions with your partner.